View Full Version : Spawn Guy: The RPG of the century

Spawn Guy
06-16-2007, 03:53 PM
You are Spawn Guy, all mighty embodiment of awsome.


You are at the local comic book store. You're items are: A bottle of finest Canadian beer, some cheese and a stick with a peice of gum on the end. You're feeling in a so so mood today, so you may do anything. You decide to:

(A) Approach Andy, the badass comic book store guy with a heart of gold.
(B) Ignore this sad sack in the Green Lantern shirt (Kyle Rayner owns bitch!) and browse the racks.

06-17-2007, 06:45 AM
Canadian beer? Well ok...I guess...

go up to him. why the heck not :ohwell:

Spawn Guy
06-17-2007, 08:17 AM

Uh oh! Apparently Andy hasn't been taking his happy pills, because the second you enter his personal space he undergoes a horrifying transformation. This metamorphosis is a secret shared in awed whispers across comic book racks and internet sites alike: The Angry Fanboy. You'd be honoured to see it up close if the only thing Andy wanted to rip to shreds more than the Hulk movie is you.

Do you:

(A) Fight.
(B) Talk about the new Transformers movie.
(C) Urinate in sheer terror.

06-17-2007, 08:22 AM
Since I've recently been hitting the gym, I don't pee myself, and he's a comic book nerd who probably hates the idea of Michael Bay doing the Transformer movie, I'll go with

(A) Fight

Spawn Guy
06-17-2007, 10:02 AM

Fortunatley you were prepared for this. With fingers as nimble as a genetically altered acrobat you grab your beer botttle, give it a shake, then squirt a thin jet of the contents all over Andy. Because as we all know Canadian beer is the unholy equivelent of holy water. Screaming like Paris Hilton waking up sober, Andy sucumbs to the acidic properties of the god awful beverage, shriviling away and leaving only a faint scent of brimstone and Mountain Dew.

Well that was eventful. Thank God you didn't need to use the cheese.
The rest of your day stretching out in front of you, you decide to do what you actually came here for and examine the racks.

Blah blah blah, X Men, blah blah blah, Daredevil, blah blah blah, oh the JLA's back, blah blah...

Aha! This looks promosing...


Wait a second...can it be?!


It is! It really is! X Ray specs! Oh Calloo Callay, some weird Lewis Carroll sh*t! But wait...can it really be that simple?

Do you:

(A) Order now.
(B) Try and find out if there's a catch.
(C) Wonder what Batman would do.

Sewer Bull
06-17-2007, 10:19 AM
Batman shall lead my path. I choose C.

Spawn Guy
06-17-2007, 10:32 AM
Drawing on your unlimited knowledge of comic book characters, you come to the conclusion that Batman wouldn't wait for no stinking X ray specs! He'd make his own! And if it's good enough for Batman, by God it's good enough for you!


Unfortunatley you don't have a billion dollars.

However the answer is so simple a retarded five year old could come up with it. You have to:

(A)Rob a bank
(B)Steal some radioactive waist.

06-17-2007, 02:04 PM
Dude, (B) radioactive waste.

Spawn Guy
06-17-2007, 02:55 PM
Thinking about it a little, robbing a bank sounds like work. Knowing that Batman would use his incredible detective skills to track down that pesky waste and probably solve the whole Grassy Knoll thing you resolve yourself to doing the same thing. However that also sounds like work. Know what was designed so you wouldn't have to work?

You got the internet!


Cracking your knuckles, you get down to the nitty gritty...after reseting each and every bone in both your hands. Gotta be some radioactive stuff laying around...your living in the west for God's sake!

Aha! Apparently there's a Nuclear plant near by. Just outside your house as a matter of fact.

That explains a lot. The chaep price for one thing. The super powered zombies trying to break your door down for another.



Do you:

(A) Search for a way to rid yourself of zombies on the internet.
(B) Make peace with God.
(C) Scream.

06-17-2007, 09:55 PM
The internet hasn't steered me wrong yet!

Eagerly I choose A!

Spawn Guy
06-18-2007, 07:08 AM
Fingers moving like a hyperactive limbo dancer with his feet on fire, you rush through zombie website after zombie website. You don't have time for this raise an army from the dead and conquer small villages crap, zombie Captain America's head is surprisingly strong, and zombie Thor and zombie Iron Man have managed to put enough limbs together to form a crude zombie battering ram out of it. They've just managed to bust the door open (weird, since it wasn't locked) when your rapid searching overloads your computer, sending out a burst of lightning that smites the horrendous smelling heroes like the blow of God on his own red headed step children.


Once again the internet conquers all. And so with that done you

(A) Wait for the computer to reboot to get the internet back.
(B) Start planning your crime.
(C) Go get a beer.

06-18-2007, 11:34 AM
The internet was helped my twice it's time to make it thrice.

(A) Wait for the computer to reboot to get the internet back.

Spawn Guy
06-18-2007, 03:14 PM
Now where were you before you were so rudely interrupted by a legion of the undead? Searching the intramanet, that was it! Hmm...press any key to begin...strange, there dosen't appear to be an any key...this one looks like a question mark...maybe it will let you ask where the any key is...oop, no t time for that, the computers starting!

You have required the internet!


Now about this plant...hmm, "Built in 1980 over a vast network of caves said to posses deadly mystic properties, or possibly an Indian burial ground, why the hell not? Used to smuggle everything and everyone, from Satanists to republicans who were more than "just friends". Maybe there's treasure down there while we're at it, its a bunch of space made out of rock what possible use could any of this be to anyone?"

You, that's who!

Treasure or not (although that'd help) there's a way to sneak in and out to acquire some cheap Russian nuclear reactor droppings. But where do you start looking for those caves? You really just have to make a phone call to someone who can get you there, but even if they get you in you have no idea where to go. Mind you Vincent Van gogh played it by ear, and that never hurt him right?

Just then there's a sound at your window. Breaking glass as a matter of fact, caused by a boot.

You got a boot!


Smells like chicken dipped in more chicken back in the dark ages, but with this econemy it's finders keepers. Peering out the window to either thank
your new best freind or return fire on your new rival, you come nose to stench with Ninja Harry, friendly neighbourhood tramp.


What's the lovable old douche bag (by smell alone, your sure he's got a nice personality) rambiling about today? He's decided to forsake the life of a revenge seeking mercenary to take up the life of an hounerable monk. Hense the boot through your window apparently. He wishes he'd started this all way back when he was a tour guide for the caves under the nuclear plant?

That's...narratively convenient.

Hmm, decisions, decisions. Do you:

(A) Go talk to the Harry.
(B) Throw stuff at Harry until he goes away.
(C) Call up a certain someone and go to work on those caves.

06-19-2007, 03:59 PM
(A) Go talk to the Harry.

Its the natural choice! We gotta get into dem caves!!!

Spawn Guy
06-19-2007, 08:15 PM
Grabbing an oxygen tank you got half price at Woolworth’s, you leave the radioactive glow of the internet in the hopes of this conversation somehow leading to you basking in a different kind of radioactive glow. Negotiations ,however, don't go so great.


"Buggerit! Millenium hand and shrimp!"


"Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, banana phone!"


"It's so damn hot...milk was a bad choice!"

Well you...sort of got that...

Just then there's a noise behind you. Or rather an absence of noise. Only one thing on the planet is that quite...


Great Gatsby's Ghost, you were right! A squad of Ninja Fanboys! Doubtless Andy's clan seeking revenge for the gold hearted badasse's demise at your perfectly manicured hands.

A couple of shots of Canadian beer should take care of this...but do you have enough for all of them? Time's running out, the heavily armed fanboys are advancing, high pitched voices shrieking curses against Rob Leinfeild and George Lucas. Do you:

(A) Go for the beer. It worked before.
(B) Use the boot.
(C) Hid behind Harry.

Sewer Bull
06-20-2007, 12:44 PM
I choose Harry as my natural shield. C.

Spawn Guy
06-20-2007, 02:26 PM

"Four score and seven years ago..."

Oxygen tank firmly secured you dive behind Harry as a hail of bullets and throwing stars rain down on the spot you were standing in. Fortunately fanboys are blind to the dirty grey colour surrounding every inch of Harry's unemployed being. Convinced they have killed you right down to the molecular level (that's what ninja vanish actually means) they bugger off to go whine about the continuity inaccuracies of Superman Returns. Bad move. The mere sight of ninjas send Harry into a rage that dwarfs anything mere annoyed comic fans could possibly conceive.



You turn your head away from the carnage, something wet and stinking of skin care products bouncing off your head.


You got an Angry Fanboy head!

Mop up the blood, and you have your own...severed head. Hey, don't judge. This is an RPG. Taking what you want is 100% of the law. And you have Harry to thank for it. But will he help you out?

"Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 % sure that I love you!"

You'll take that as a yes. And only a yes.

You got Ninja Harry!

Now, do you:

(A) Call in some extra help. It'll save on shovels.
(B) Get a shovel and get going.
(C) Get Harry a bath first. The stench of blood dosen't help.

06-20-2007, 02:48 PM
C. I wanna see how Ninja Harry and water will mix...

06-22-2007, 10:12 AM
Bring extra towels.

And soap.

Lots of soap.

Spawn Guy
06-22-2007, 12:48 PM

Tying the severed Fanboy head to your stick, you lure Harry over an open manhole cover.

"Sweet Sally Struthers!"

It's actually a considerable compromise, no way in hell were you bathing the tub of out of date lard yourself. And this way all of his germs die as sweet smelling sewer bacteria commit mass genocide over what was once his skin. As the splash dies away you mull over events. God probably dosen't like you enough to make those the last of Andy's family out for your smoking hot plasma...but enough to make sure nothing nasty is waiting for you in those caves right?

Speaking of which you've got a phone call to make!


You got Madpiratebunny!

The perfect burying tool and the bestets friend you could have! Using the incredible absorbing properties of your cheese to dry Harry off (Not towel. No towel. Nuh uh) you lead your band of merry metrosexuals (That's a funny word! It dosen't matter if you don't know what it means!)to your target.


Unfortunately security is a little tight.


Fortunately there's a way in. Unfortunately it's a...well, take a guess.


Good for Harry, very likely lethal for you and Bunny, but time's running out here. Not for any real reason other than to add pressure to the story here and make it all action movieish.

Do you:

(A) Fight two of Lawdoms biggest badasses. With a rabbit and a hobo.
(B) Enter the incredibly gross and unnervingly dark sewer pipe.

06-23-2007, 07:13 PM
Hmm, this is a tough one. Goodness knows what infections might be cought in that there sewer pipe, and there may be mutants down there. Yeuch! But Dredd AND Robocop? May as well go home now! Hopefully all the germs'll jump straight to Ninja Harry, thus making the sewer pipe safe. So (B) please!

Spawn Guy
06-24-2007, 09:34 PM
Fight a Megacity Judge and a robotic law enforcer dedicated to justice? What are you, nuts (You don't care what those doctors say! The frog can dance damn it!)? The only real option is subtle yet stinky trickery. Fortunately you have an idea: Hobo Rafting!


"Rubber ducky, your the one, who make bath time so much fun!"

Harry's layers of old overcoat is able to support you and Bunny, while keeping us all a float. Hopefully it'll keep the gnawing sewer germs and ugly ex marketing people (where did you think sewer mutants came from?) at bay, and maybe even purify the entire sewer supply. Your voyage is mostly uneventful, apart form Harry ploughing straight through a vital support beam, caving in much of the overhead parking lot. As the cries of Dredd and Robocop fade away, succumbing to the deadly sewer water, you see something shiny float by, quickly grabbing it before it become infected. Oh, by the great kicking ass of God...


You got the Lawmaker!

Okay, so the rotting arm of it's former owner is still clinging to it like a psycho ex, you have a severed head about your person, you are not picky.
Let's see those girl scouts extort cookie money form you now!

While Harry's off river move turned out benifical, you use your stick to row down the river form now on. Your and Bunny's chanting of the time hounered "Row yer boat." grow silent as you come to a rocky shore; the caves under the power plant. Your way in.

Suddenly, a tablua of horrifying creatures lunge from the shadows.


"Excuse me sir, would you be interested in buying some encyclopedias?"

ACK! Sewer mutants! Their war crys are worse than the legends foretold!

Do you:

(A) Run away to a Scooby Doo style musical farce.
(B) Haggle.
(C) Turn this thing into an Evil Dead scene and put your new weapon (and Judge Dredd's arm) to use.
(D) Use the beer.
(E) Use the cheese.

06-24-2007, 10:44 PM
I'm in the mood for a musical. Entertain me with (A)... :evilgrin:

06-25-2007, 01:07 PM
Phew, had me worried there!! I was thinking "NOOO! If we pull the trigger on the lawmaster, it'll blow our arm off!!" Cos everyone knows only the Judge to whom the gun belongs to can use it. Anyone else tries, and it'll go up in their face. Boobytrapped y'see? But awesome forward thinking from this most GENIUS gamesmaster has seen us through with the severed arm it tow. You rock :tcool:

06-27-2007, 06:13 AM
Sheesh Tookie, no need to be all dramatic. We all know the only way to defeat something as hidious as a sewer mutant/lawmaster is via a Scooby Doo chase scene, right? Besides, blasters are way too cool to be used on those hidious things. It's better if we use them on things such as James Blunt :evilgrin:

Spawn Guy
06-27-2007, 12:50 PM
Pausing for a moment to set up some...atmosphere (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hKbyYcdn20), you burst into a wacky montage or running, farcical door jokes, disguises, and chase sequences involving mining cars and visual puns. well...you and Bunny do, Harry just sort of...ambles around quoting Star wars.

(I spent days on Youtube looking for a Scooby Doo chase sequence to no real avail. Best I could do right now, so use your imagination.)

Wasn't that fun?

In the process you managed to loose the mutants and your metrosexual compatriots (you just can't stop saying that word! It's funny!), and this mining cart your riding dosen't appear to possess any breaks...


Upon coming to, and removing the bricks form your hair, you note a strange tingling sensation over your skin. It's like that one time an entire clan of silverfishes crawled all over you. Good times. Good times. Not really.

It's coming from over there...


Aha, the nuclear plants power core, in all its glory! Now...to do what you came here for! X Ray Specks all round! Suddenly a red eyed shadow of unspeakable horror looms into view! Harry?


But...what happened to his face? Is it the fanboy head? If it is you can get rid of the Fanboy head. Really, no problem.



Apparently exposure to the high amount of radiation (Less than to microwave a chicken but not more than to cook a bag of popcorn) gave Harry an amazing sense of clarity and a voice as soft and soothing as the gentle tones of a British madman singing his daughter to sleep. Now that the has this clarity he has realized the ultimate flaw with the planet in general: he's not ruling it.
And so Harry steps straight into the reactor.

Ninja Harry evolved into King Harry!

Oh. Well. Didn't see that coming. Really. Totally unforeseen.

The newly appointed kings first order of business: destroy the distillery on the other side of town, stopping all alcohol reaching the rest of the planet. The fiend! You have to stop him and so grab your cell phone (Now automatically updated due to the radiation exposure) and call Bunny to go kick some 80 stories tall mutated hobo ass!

"Uh, sorry Spawny, I just realized...my...cat is sick. Gotta go back home to Albuquerque! See ya!"

God, the heart on that woman. Taking in a cat and nurturing to it like a mother. You didn't even know she owned a cat. And last time you checked she lived in Colorado.

Anyway, you are officially on your own and a gigantic monster hobo is out to destroy the planets way of life. Now what smart guy? You turn slowly to the reactor. If it worked for Harry...and you don't have a lot to loose.

Do you:

(A) Throw the cheese into the reactor.
(B) Throw the Lawmaker into the reactor.
(C) Throw the beer into the reactor.

06-27-2007, 08:25 PM
((Hehe, it's okay Spawny. The clip really did set the atmosphere... :lol: ))

(C) is a good choice. Besides, if we drink it, we get drunk. And we all know what Spawny is like when he's drunk... *shudders, remembering what happened last time*

06-27-2007, 11:25 PM
{And technically i'm not even in the middle states since I'm visiting my mum near the Pacific. As for the cat ... well, I plead the fifth. :D }

{on a side note, good choice with the Beer, Ra. Just keep Spawny away from the cheeze whiz}

Spawn Guy
07-03-2007, 09:22 AM
With a high pitched squeal you will latter make sure gets recorded by history as a manly cry of manliness, you wind your arm back, close your eyes to hold back the tears, whisper "I love you..." and hurl the entire bottle into the reactor. The light and noises are an unsubtle mix of deafening and nauseating, it's like if Michael Bay's head exploded.

Picking your self up from the rubble that was most of the power plant and trying to wipe off the mush that's all the left from an unlucky sewer mutant.
You suddenly realize it's become very dark. You're halfway through concocting a suitable excuse for the environmental people (mostly involving blaming someone else for the impromptu nuclear winter blacking out the sun)...then you tilt your head back. And up. And up. And up.

And up.

And up some more.


Beer evolved into Godzilla!

Okay...headcount. Your items include: Cheese, a stick with a piece of gum on the end, a lawmaker gun with the owner's arm clinging to it, the severed head of a demented ninja Fanboy, a boot, and the king of the monsters himself.

That hobo is the bastard child of dog meat and toast. Mounting (climbing on to) Godzilla's head, you combine your carpentry and musical skills (laugh if you must, but this stuff is going to save the world, so shut up) and turn the stick into a make shift Dragon Flute like the one from Power Rangers. It takes some practice and the untimely death of an entire office building, but you eventually get the hang of the notes needed to control the beast, and so, armed to the teeth of your teeth, you march off to confront Harry.


The fiend! He's almost to the only thing keeping half of the planet sane!

You play: Godzilla! In: Attack mode!

In a burst of thigh chaffing speed, Godzilla quickly writes an angry letter and sends it to Harry...with a vengeance!


Harry suffered 30% damage! Owned, bitch!

Uh oh, now Harry's mad! In a whirl of fury similar to that of an enraged Halo nerd after being killed fair and square, Harry unleashes his hobo breath.

Dear God...the musk! The scent of booze, sewer water and the vomit Harry had for dinner would be too much for any creature, and Godzilla crumbles to the ground, crashing through a Sunday school and filling your shorts with rubble.


Godzilla suffered 50% damage! You suffered 20% damage and a bruise on your ass! Time for the contingency plan, and by that you mean run the hell away!

You play: Godzilla! In: Defence mode!

This subtle blend of psychology combined with convenient plot points allows the player to hide behind something, somehow managing this in the same instance where the other player is rendered temporarily blind by a combination of UV rays and daytime television, thus rendering them invisible to their opponent


Ha ha! Let's see him find you now!

Convinced of his own superiority, Harry turns his attention back to the brewery, leaving himself wide open to an attack. What to do, what to do...

(A) Radioactive Breath
(B) Kick to the crotch
(C) Play a trap

07-03-2007, 10:36 AM
I say B, kick that crotch.

(Is it just m or does he have no arms? He has nubs)

07-04-2007, 01:20 AM

(I thought they were man boobs... :|)