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Lil G
11-15-2008, 11:18 PM
i think we need a thread that will cheer things up when people are having a bad day. so this is a joke thread! what we pretty much do is tell jokes. i dont know if anybody did this before but i thought i might as well try it out. heres the first joke:

three men were waiting to go to heaven. the better you were to your wife the better vehicle you get. so the first guy goes up to the gate. the guy who admits people in asks him how good he was to his wife. he said he loved her a lot, respected her, and never cheated on her. he got a lamborghini. a second guy came up to the gate. the guy who admits people in asks him how good he was to his wife. he said he loved her, respected her a little, and cheated on her a little. he got a beat down mustang. a third guy came up to the gate. the guy who admits people in asked him how good he was to his wife he said he loved her, didnt respect her, and cheated on her a lot. so he got a powerwheel.:lol: so then the first guy was riding down on his lamoughini and saw his wife go by on roller blades.:lol::lol::lol: i love that one!

CudleyCowlick
11-16-2008, 01:14 AM
Oh jeez - do I know any jokes that are anywhere near all-ages appropriate???


Lessee... OH YEAH! BEST JOKE EVER!

So this cow goes to a horse track and bets the fastest horse there that she can win in a one-on-one endurance race.
The horse says "Are you insane, Cow? I'm a champion pedigree! You don't stand a chance!"
So the cow says "We'll see about that, let's go, Horse!"
And so they race, and they go around and around, 5 laps, 10 laps, and the cow starts to lag behind and then drops in exhaustion.
The horse dances around and says "See, Cow? No way you can beat me."
And so the cow ask for another chance, and she goes off and just trains, trains, trains.
When she comes back, they race again.
This time, 5, 10, 15, 20 laps and the cow once more drops in exhaustion.
The horse dances around and says "See, Cow? No way you can beat me."
And the cow asks for one more chance. She goes off and trains, trains, trains, trains, trains, trains, like her life depends on it.
When she comes back, they race for the last time.
This time, 5, 10, 15, 20 laps, and the cow is still going strong. 25, 30, 35, 40 laps, and still the cow is kicking butt. 80 laps and the Horse finally drops DEAD, foaming at the mouth.
So the cow dances wildly and, turning to a dog sitting near the track, she asks "Did you see that Dog? Did you see that? I beat the Horse!"
And the Dog says "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING COW!"

NightwatchersOnlygirl
11-16-2008, 10:23 AM
Why did the monk cross the road?

Cos it was the chickens day off

What's yellow a goes slam-slam-slam-slam?

A four door banana!

Guitar_Raph
11-16-2008, 07:49 PM
Have you heard about the woman who lost her bank card?

A woman named Dorothy went to the bank & found a variation of an ATM machine, called an NTM machine.

So she placed her bank debit card into the NTM machine. When she tried to make a transaction, the money wouldn't come out & neither did her card.

She cried, "I can't get my card out! Thieves! I'm frightened, NTM. Give it back, give it back!"

Just then, an evil teller appears on the screen & says...

"NTM, NTM, come back! I'll give you NTM, my pretty!" (Cackling)!

Bigfoot
11-17-2008, 08:00 PM
3 guys walk into a bar... the 4th one ducks...


LOL

Jester
11-17-2008, 08:10 PM
Blast you Bigfoot....:P But I've always heard it, 3 blonds walk into a bar, you think one of them would have seen it.

Ok...here's an old one:
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are standing in a field with a huge sack of money and are trying to decide how much to give to charity.
The rabbi says, "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money way up in the air and what ever lands inside the circle, that's what we give to charity."
The priest says, "No! We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money way up in the air and what ever lands outside the circle, that's what we give to charity."
The minister says, "No! We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he can keep."

Ahhhh....Short Circuit.

Bigfoot
11-17-2008, 08:58 PM
< Starts running around

More input! More input!

Evenstar227
11-18-2008, 11:53 AM
I am lousy with jokes, so I memorize one at a time and use it for a while before moving on. My current one is:

What do you call a clairvoyant midget that just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

:lol:

Jester, your joke reminds me of the one I heard earlier this year (am going from memory, so it might not be 100% accurate):

Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were in a plane, en route to a debate. Obama says, "You know, I could toss a $1,000 bill out the window and make one person extremely happy." Clinton, not to be outdone, says, "I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy." McCain responds, "I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make one hundred people happy!" The pilot, overhearing the conversation, leans over to the copilot and says, "I could toss the three of them out the window and make 300 million people happy."

Lil G
11-20-2008, 05:02 PM
i just learned two. but ill do the one that i think is more funny first.

there was a bear chasing a rabbit. the rabbit tripped over a turtle on the road. then the bear tripped over the turtle. the turtles called to them saying "if you two stop running i will give you two wished each!" so they stopped in their tracks. the turtle asked who goes first. the bear went first. he wished he was bigger and muscular. so he grew bigger and more muscular within seconds. the rabbit went next. he wished he had a motorcycle. so a motorcycle appeared out of nowhere. then the bear went next again, for his last wish. he wished all of the other bears in the world were girls. the rabbit then hopped on the motorcycle, started the engine and said, " i wish the bear was gay!" :lol::lol::lol:

that ones a classic.

KROW
11-24-2008, 09:57 PM
A proctologist was going through the motions one day when he received a very difficult patient. Things were just going haywire, causing the doctor to constantly take rectal temperatures and mark them on the patient's chart. This went on for about an hour until the patient's temperature finally stabilized. He finished his work with the patient and left.

The proctologist then got paged to another room. While walking down the hall, he reached into his front pocket to mark an extra statistic on the previous patient's chart and pulled forth a thermometer. "Dammit..." he muttered, to which a nearby nurse asked, "What's the matter, doctor?" The proctologist looked at her and said, "Some asshole walked off with my pencil!"

Archon_Turtle
11-25-2008, 06:53 PM
What's brown and sticky?

...








A STICK!

KROW
11-28-2008, 02:10 PM
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing Mozart's 21st concerto.

"Where on earth did you get that?" asks the bartender, incredulous.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp. Suddenly, a gust of smoke wafts from the spout and a wondrous genie forms from the mist. It towers before him and says in a bellowing voice, "I will grant you one wish -- just ONE wish. Each person is allowed only one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitation he says, "I want a million bucks!" The genie raises his arms, breathes in deeply, claps his hands, creating a very sharp sound like the crack of a whip, then disappears.

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another, and another, until pretty soon the entire bar is filled with ducks. Yet they keep coming!

The bartender nonchalantly turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The man scoffs and says, "Tell me about it! Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?!"

Lil G
12-01-2008, 12:33 PM
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing Mozart's 21st concerto.

"Where on earth did you get that?" asks the bartender, incredulous.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp. Suddenly, a gust of smoke wafts from the spout and a wondrous genie forms from the mist. It towers before him and says in a bellowing voice, "I will grant you one wish -- just ONE wish. Each person is allowed only one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitation he says, "I want a million bucks!" The genie raises his arms, breathes in deeply, claps his hands, creating a very sharp sound like the crack of a whip, then disappears.

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another, and another, until pretty soon the entire bar is filled with ducks. Yet they keep coming!

The bartender nonchalantly turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The man scoffs and says, "Tell me about it! Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?!"

i wanted a 12 inch pianist:(but instead he gave me a 12 inch penis!:cry:

KROW
12-03-2008, 08:22 PM
i wanted a 12 inch pianist:(but instead he gave me a 12 inch penis!:cry:

And you're crying about it? Not everyone should live up to their username, ya know.

Lil G
12-05-2008, 03:59 PM
And you're crying about it? Not everyone should live up to their username, ya know.

:lol::lol::lol: that was a good joke right there. well, i bet you live up to your username.:P

Bigfoot
12-05-2008, 05:07 PM
Whats better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on my organ.

cMac44111
12-21-2008, 06:42 PM
hmm ok here's one of my favorites.


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten
apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or youll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The
second one replied, I couldnt help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples.

XERO
12-21-2008, 09:16 PM
How did the Grim Reaper die?






He touched himself.

*rimshot*

The Stryker
12-22-2008, 03:32 AM
How do you get Chris Benoit to stop hanging around your house?

Cut him down.

Lil G
12-22-2008, 11:47 AM
hmm ok here's one of my favorites.

oh... my... god... cant... stop... laughing... hysterically... BLAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. omg that was hilarious!

XERO
12-22-2008, 12:25 PM
"What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord, hmmmm?



...

... My ass. Nah-ha-ha-ha..."

Guitar_Raph
12-22-2008, 08:44 PM
Why dd Bob Cratchit's son wanted a ukulele for Christmas?

So he could perform "Tip Toe Through The Tulips" like Tiny Tim!

cMac44111
12-23-2008, 01:17 PM
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

KROW
01-03-2009, 06:01 AM
A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding and began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable (stare downs, unnecessary pauses, etc.). It didn't seem to phase the motorist, so the trooper finally got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle Flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies." So the cowboy says, "Well, Circle Flies are common on ranches. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops, slowly looks up and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "No, sir. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, good," and goes to finishing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says casually, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Bigfoot
01-07-2009, 07:42 PM
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

KROW
01-11-2009, 09:01 PM
A man walks into a tavern and sits at the bar. Noticing he was alone, he was about to motion to the bartender when he heard a voice say, "You're looking good, have you lost weight?"

Surprised, the man looked down to where the voice emanated and saw a bowl of pretzels. "Huh?" he asked, to which the pretzels said, "You look great in that shirt."

As the bartender neared, the man asked, "What's with the pretzels?"

The bartender said, "They're complimentary."

KROW
02-07-2009, 08:11 PM
Three nuns die in a horrible car accident. They appear before the pearly gates of Heaven and meet Saint Peter. Peter looks at them and says, "Welcome. Before I let you in, I must ask each of you a question. Are you ready?" The nuns collectively nod.

He asks the first one, "What was the name of the first woman?"
"Eve," she responds.
Peter nods and says, "Go on through."

Up comes the second nun. Peter asks her, "What was the name of the place where Eve lived?"
The second nun replies, "The Garden of Eden."
"Go on through."

Then, the third nun steps up. St. Peter says, "Okay, now, since you're the Mother Superior, I am going to have to make this question a little more tricky. Are you ready?"
The nun slowly nods and says, "Yes."
Peter asks, "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?"
The nun thought about it for a while and said, "Mmm, that's a hard one."
"Go on through."

Cowabunga Kiefer
02-12-2009, 08:44 AM
What do you call a bunch of guys sitting in a large room, drinking beer, and watching the Superbowl???






The Detroit Lions!

Ginny
02-17-2009, 01:16 PM
A 7 year old at my church told me this one;

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Cowgo!

Cowgo who?

No, not "Who!" Cowgo, "MOOO!"

Cowabunga Kiefer
02-18-2009, 12:27 PM
There was 3 different people that happen to be in desert for some odd reason. There was a Cubs fan, Osama Bin Laden, and a Vietnam veteran. Suddenly, they stumble upon this magical light fixture, and a magical genie pops out giving them each one free wish. The Cubs fan went first asking for the Cubs to make it to the World Series and win for once, so with the snap of the genie's fingers it was done, and the Cubs would have an undefeated season. Osama Bin Laden came next and wished for a huge wall to surround the Middle East so no one could bother their terrorist organization. We want a land for all of us terrorists only and no one else. So, with the snap of the genie's finger it was done.

Finally, it's the veteran's turn. He asked the genie to describe this wall built around the Middle East. The genie claimed that it is 2 miles high, 200 feet thick, and nothing can possibly get in or out of this wall. So the veteran thinks for a minute....opens his can of beer(which he conveniently has in the desert)...and thinks some more about this wall. Finally, he tells the genie.....,"Fill it up with water!"

KROW
02-23-2009, 05:53 PM
A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet for some help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, claiming that this will stop the snoring. She rolls her eyes and says, "Yeah right!"

That night, just a few minutes after going to bed, the wife awakes to the dog's persistent snoring, as usual. She tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

"Well, I'll be damned," she whispers, amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home inebriated from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly. Woken up once more, and quite irked, the woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! Grinning, the woman slides into bed, closes her eyes, and sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head with a furrowed brow, looks at the dog, and whispers, "I don't know where we were... or what we did... but, by God, we took FIRST and SECOND place!"

Cowabunga Kiefer
02-23-2009, 06:16 PM
There were once these three friends who did everything together. They took a pact that everyday, they would walk into their usual bar, and order one drink each. After a few months of doing so, two of the friends suddenly had to serve their time in the military, leaving one behind. So it was that sole person's responsibility to keep the tradition alive.

So everyday, he would walk in and order a beer for himself and 2 more for himself (for his friends). He does this stunningly for the next few months. He gets to slowly know people in the bar, have good connections with people, talk sports and cars. He still drank these 3 beers.

Then one day, he walks into the bar, and only orders 2 beers. Suddenly the bar goes silent, as they are awestruck. The bartender comes over to his usual table and pours two drinks, and he says," Now, I'm sorry about what happened to one of your friends. Just remember that happy memories live a long time, and sure enough he will still be with us." The guy says," What the heck are you talking about!?" The bartender explains that since he ordered two beers that one of his friends died while serving in the military. The guy laughs and says," Oh no, my friends ain't dead!" "My wife made me take a vow to stop drinking beer!"

NiNi
02-24-2009, 08:45 AM
Okay I got one; hopefully it hasn't been done yet:

A guy walks up to a woman as asks so boldly, "Hello, would you like to go out with me?"

The woman replies, "Well...I don't know..."

"I'll give you a cookie." the man offers.

"Okay." she answers and then the male gives her the cookie.

Then the two went out on their date. However, a little while later, the man asks for something else, "Do you wan to go to my place?"

The woman replies, "Well...I don't know..."

"I'll give you a cookie." the man offers.

"Okay." she answers and then the male gives her the cookie.

So they went to his place. Then he asks, "Would you like to have sex with me?"

The woman replies, "Well...I don't know..."

"I'll give you a cookie." the man offers.

"Okay." she answers and then the male gives her the cookie.

Then the two had sex. The woman being on top of him as they laid there and the man says, "You can get off of me now."

"Well I don't know..." she states.

"I'll give you a cookie." he offers.

"Okay"

Unfortunately he was out of cookies.

Cowabunga Kiefer
02-24-2009, 08:58 PM
On one certain Sunday morning, a pastor had spilled coffee on himself, got pulled over by a cop, and forgot to eat breakfast. So, this guy was really on edge, and he had to lead the sermon for his Sunday church service. With all this anger and tension in his mind, he lets off steam by stating to the congregation that every member of this church will feel the wrath of God, and die a horrible death! He looks around feeling better, after seeing the members of the congregation with wide eyes, and frowns on their face.

Then the pastor was stunned to see one man sitting in the front row with a smile on his face. The pastor even more angry repeats, "Every member of this church will feel the wrath of God, and die a horrible death!!!" He couldn't feel better though, because he saw that the man's smile grew even wider. With all his rage he screamed again, "EVERY MEMBER OF THIS CHURCH WILL SUFFER UNDER THE WRATH OF GOD, AND BE STRUCK DOWN, AND BEATEN SENSELESSLY, AND DIE THE MOST HORRIBLE OF DEATHS TO VER COME ACROSS THIS EARTH!!!!!" After blacking out for a little bit from being light-headed, he could see tears in children's eyes, and angry faces, but in the midst of his dizziness, he still saw this man with a face full of a smile with teeth and all. Being stunned, he sat down, and the service ended. While he was saying," Have a Blessed Day!" to the people leaving, he stopped the man who had been smiling. ( He wasn't hard to find, because he was the only one smiling). So, the pastor stops him and says," Now, I totally went nuts up there, and basically damned you all to hell. But I have to ask, why in the heck you kept smiling after all the mean things I said!?!" The man chuckled and simply replied, " Well, you see sir......................








............................I'm not a member of this church!!!"

Ginny
05-21-2009, 09:09 AM
Oh my...


A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BLLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.

I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

Slap-Happy
07-02-2009, 02:08 AM
A little deviation from NiNi's joke.

A slightly retarted man sits on a bench on the sidewalk, and a woman walks up.

She asks him "Would you like to got to my house?"

"Momma told me not to." he says.

"I'll give you a Butterfinger." The woman says.

He agrees, and they go to the womans's house.

She asks him "Would you like to go to my room."

The boy replies, "Momma told me not to."

"I'll give you a Butterfinger." the woman says.

He agrees and goes up to the woman's room with her.

She lays on her bed and asks him "would you like to have sex?"

"momma told me not to" he says.

"I'll give you a Butterfinger." She tells him.

He agrees and starts to have intercourse with her.

Suddenly, the woman's father bursts in screaming "GET OFF MY DAUGHTER!"

The boy stares at the father and says "Momma told me not to."

Bigfoot
07-13-2009, 08:59 AM
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog.

Ginny
07-17-2009, 03:15 PM
My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7..
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Bigfoot
09-21-2009, 04:34 PM
What do you call someone who never, ever passes gas in public?

A private tutor.:lol:

XERO
09-22-2009, 04:47 PM
What do you call a funny grandmother?

A 'graham cracker'.

Cowabunga Kiefer
09-22-2009, 08:22 PM
(This is corny)

Why did the golfer bring 2 pairs of pants???







Because he had a hole in one!!! Ha ha ha ha!

WinterMorning
09-25-2009, 12:25 AM
what do you call a deer with no eyes?


no idear.

XERO
10-09-2009, 10:03 PM
what do you call a deer with no eyes?


no idear.

What did the male deer say to the female deer when she tried to steal his food?

'Doe even think about it.'