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Lethal Lullaby
02-05-2013, 07:56 PM
Well. Do you?? Feel free to add your favorites here. ;)

I can't think of any at this moment besides this one I heard from a friend (which I posted in Chatter)

"If you have a bladder infection,
Then urine trouble."

Jester
02-05-2013, 07:58 PM
What nationality are you when you have to pee?
You're a Russian.

What nationality are you when you get to the restroom?
European.

ToTheNines
02-05-2013, 08:18 PM
What did Tennessee?

Same thing Arkansas!

Guitar_Raph
02-05-2013, 08:44 PM
I once heard this joke on both Hee Haw & The Gong Show. Roy Clark & The Unknown Comic were the joke tellers & Archie Campbell & Chuck Barris were the straight men.

"Hey, I'm doing a taste test here. Can you tell me what this is?"

The other person takes a drink & immediately spits it out!

"That's gasoline!"

"I know, but is it regular or premium?" (LOL)

gobo
02-05-2013, 10:30 PM
What nationality are you when you get to the restroom?
European.
EUROPE ISN'T A NATION! :x

Voltron
02-06-2013, 07:32 PM
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A horse jumped in a puddle of mud.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
I just took a shower.


These aren't jokes. Jokes are supposed to offer humor of some kind. This is like a doctor offering someone medicine, and then just standing there staring at the patient, waiting for them to get better.

I feel cheated. It took seconds of my life to read this, and I'll never have those back. In a way, you kind of murdered me. You kind of murdered us all.

Just because we aren't dead doesn't mean we all haven't died inside, even if just a little bit.

On top of that, you robbed us. You promised us mirth and gave none, whilst at the same time brutishly grabbing the joy of our anticipation right from our bosom. You, with sickly grin stretched upon your gray and hateful face forced your hand through our chest and, like a burglar, took what was good and sweet and left only want in our hearts. It is akin to rape, this deed.

Why, now the sun rises cold on our days. The sweet water no longer quenches parched lips! Food becomes bland upon our tongues, and our stomachs never hunger yet never full give no rapture in mastication.

DO YOU SEE, sir? DO YOU KNOW? Graves offer sweet embrace to the dead, but not to us! We walk damned in the noise of these "jokes." The misdirection of these words lead only to Hell! To fates worse than death! The angels cry! The devil gnashes his teeth with this torment unknown to Perdition!

From hence forth, we shall never speak of this travesty again. . . lest the Lord find reason to end this story He has written. . . lest the world stop and die. . . :cry:

Lethal Lullaby
02-06-2013, 07:45 PM
These aren't jokes. Jokes are supposed to offer humor of some kind. This is like a doctor offering someone medicine, and then just standing there staring at the patient, waiting for them to get better.

I feel cheated. It took seconds of my life to read this, and I'll never have those back. In a way, you kind of murdered me. You kind of murdered us all.

Just because we aren't dead doesn't mean we all haven't died inside, even if just a little bit.

On top of that, you robbed us. You promised us mirth and gave none, whilst at the same time brutishly grabbing the joy of our anticipation right from our bosom. You, with sickly grin stretched upon your gray and hateful face forced your hand through our chest and, like a burglar, took what was good and sweet and left only want in our hearts. It is akin to rape, this deed.

Why, now the sun rises cold on our days. The sweet water no longer quenches parched lips! Food becomes bland upon our tongues, and our stomachs never hunger yet never full give no rapture in mastication.

DO YOU SEE, sir? DO YOU KNOW? Graves offer sweet embrace to the dead, but not to us! We walk damned in the noise of these "jokes." The misdirection of these words lead only to Hell! To fates worse than death! The angels cry! The devil gnashes his teeth with this torment unknown to Perdition!

From hence forth, we shall never speak of this travesty again. . . lest the Lord find reason to end this story He has written. . . lest the world stop and die. . . :cry:

:blanksta: :teek: meh. Sorry. :tanime:

Yeah I know I suck at this whole joke telling thing. :P I just wanted to see if anybody got any good ones. You know, cause laughter is the best medicine. (Not to mention that I was bored) so *slowly backs away with hands up* :tcouch:

I'm sorry, Voltron. Was that whole thing meant to be taken seriously? Because I don't take it the wrong way.

AT-Man
02-06-2013, 07:58 PM
Pyramid Head: knock knock!
Nurse: Who's there?
Pyramid Head: Lettuce.
Nurse: Lettuce who?
Pyramid Head: Lettuce in.
Nurse: *opens the door* dohohohoho!
she was violently raped to death

Voltron
02-06-2013, 08:59 PM
:blanksta: :teek: meh. Sorry. :tanime:

Yeah I know I suck at this whole joke telling thing. :P I just wanted to see if anybody got any good ones. You know, cause laughter is the best medicine. (Not to mention that I was bored) so *slowly backs away with hands up* :tcouch:

I'm sorry, Voltron. Was that whole thing meant to be taken seriously? Because I don't take it the wrong way.

No, it was sarcasm for the most part. They were awful jokes, though. I wish you didn't delete them in embarrassment.

Lethal Lullaby
02-06-2013, 10:24 PM
No, it was sarcasm for the most part. They were awful jokes, though. I wish you didn't delete them in embarrassment.

Well. I feel less confused now. :) most of time it's things I say or text my friends that they find funny. (Not those dead jokes from earlier. 2 were from my brother. One from a teacher.) But I don't want to really say much here. Since most of you are grown ups. And probably won't find my randomness all too hilarious. I will put something I would randomly say just as like a teaser. :P

:sweatdro: Idk why... but I kinda want to set a toilet on fire. It's probably impossible, but DON'T RUIN MY DREAMS! O_O

joefsas
02-07-2013, 02:59 AM
Pyramid Head: knock knock!
Nurse: Who's there?
Pyramid Head: Lettuce.
Nurse: Lettuce who?
Pyramid Head: Lettuce in.
Nurse: *opens the door* dohohohoho!
she was violently raped to death

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: WTF!!!

Lethal Lullaby
02-07-2013, 05:44 AM
Well aware that this isn't a joke, but I find these lyrics amusing. (Maybe I should have called this the Comedy Thread?)

Hey I thought we had an interview with DJ Clue
([Em:] No I had an interview not you two)
You gonna be late for soundcheck
Man I ain't goin' to soundcheck
But our mics are screwed up and his always sound best
You know what man I'ma say something
Hey yo Em
([Em:] You got something to say?!)
Man no
I thought you bout to tell him off, what's up
Man I'ma tell him when I feel likeit, man shut up

Jester
02-07-2013, 07:42 AM
Well aware that this isn't a joke, but I find these lyrics amusing. (Maybe I should have called this the Comedy Thread?)
How are those funny/amusing?

BubblyShell22
02-07-2013, 08:20 AM
They didn't make me laugh.

Here's my joke:

There was a girl who was on her way to school, and she met another girl. The second girl said, "Hello, my name's Mary. What's your name?"

"Happy Butt," the first girl replied.

"Come on, you have to have a real name," said Mary. "Now, what is it?"

"Happy Butt," the other girl answered.

The two girls went to school, and the teacher was taking down names for the record. She approached the girl and asked for her name.

"Happy Butt," the girl responded.

"You must have a real name," the teacher told her. "Now, what is it?"

"Happy Butt," the girl answered.

"Either tell us your real name, or we're going to the principal's office," the teacher commanded.

"Happy Butt," the girl responded.

So they took her down to the principal who asked her name, and she responded with, "Happy Butt." The principal then asked to speak to the parents and wanted to know their phone number, so the girl gave it to him. He talked with the parents and then faced the girl.

"Your parents tell me your name is Gladys," he said.

"Glad Ass, Happy Butt, same thing," the girl said.

2222

Another joke:

What did the baby corn ask the mom corn?

"Where's pop corn?"

Why was the chicken arrested?

Because he was suspected of fowl play.

Why was the bluejay arrested?

Because he was caught jaywalking.

Jester
02-07-2013, 08:38 AM
2 blondes walk into a bar.

You think one of them would have seen it...

Type 97 Chi-ha
02-07-2013, 08:53 AM
"Eat your Wheaties, Johnny, you have to go to school!"

"But I don't want to go to school!"

"You know you have to go to school, Johnny!"

"But really, I don't want to. The kids don't like me, the teachers don't like me. Why should I have to go to school?"

"Well, here are two reasons. First, you're 42 years old. And second, you're the principal."

AT-Man
02-07-2013, 09:27 AM
Pyramid Head walks in to a bar.
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
There were no survivors.

AT-Man
02-07-2013, 09:37 AM
What do you get when you cross an octopus and the Abyss?

I don't know, but it's damn good at staring back at you!

Lethal Lullaby
02-07-2013, 11:12 AM
Um. :-? Here's my attemp at another one. (a simple :tmad: :x 'BOO!' will do if you hate it. Thank you very much ;) oh and please don't come in here with a chainsaw and try cutting off my head. :tanime: )

Dude One: And what do you learn from "Cinnamon Toast Crunch"?
Other Guy: :tgrin: That cannibalism is OKAY!
Dude One: *_*

(Okay that sucked. :toops: Oh well. )

Jester
02-07-2013, 11:28 AM
You're trying to hard NCG.

The Stryker
02-07-2013, 11:36 AM
Pyramid Head: knock knock!
Nurse: Who's there?
Pyramid Head: Lettuce.
Nurse: Lettuce who?
Pyramid Head: Lettuce in.
Nurse: *opens the door* dohohohoho!
she was violently raped to death

Holy sh*t

NOTHING in this thread is funny but....what the hell is this even attempting to be?

ToTheNines
02-07-2013, 11:42 AM
What does an angry pepper do?

He gets jalapeno face!

LH
02-07-2013, 12:14 PM
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

....

To get to the bottom! :tlol:

Guitar_Raph
02-07-2013, 12:27 PM
CORNFIELD TIME

(Crow caws)
CpHYegtKr8U
GRANDPA: Have you heard about the one about the rope?
JUNIOR: I don't think so?
GRANDPA: Skip it.

CHARLIE: I heard the the high school principal wore nothing!
MISTY: Maybe she wanted to get the boys attention!

BUCK: Roy, they came up with a new tonic made out of yeast & shoe polish.
ROY: Yeast & shoe polish? Who would buy that?
BUCK: For those who want to rise & shine!

MINNIE: What's a Colt 45?
LULU: A middle aged horse.

LAVERN: My friends tell me that you would look great on the cover of Vogue or Bazaar.
IDA LEE: Why thank you. Wish they could see that through my messy face.
LAVERN: They do. People tell me that they never seen anyone look more out of vogue or as bizarre as you do!
(Ida Lee hits Lavern with rolling pin)

SCARECROW: Has Guitar_Raph gone country? He's a hick @ heart.
(Crow caws @ him)

KATHY: That's all!

snake
02-07-2013, 01:56 PM
Um. :-? Here's my attemp at another one. (a simple :tmad: :x 'BOO!' will do if you hate it. Thank you very much ;) oh and please don't come in here with a chainsaw and try cutting off my head. :tanime: )

Dude One: And what do you learn from "Cinnamon Toast Crunch"?
Other Guy: :tgrin: That cannibalism is OKAY!
Dude One: *_*

(Okay that sucked. :toops: Oh well. )

:trazz::x BOO

snake
02-07-2013, 01:58 PM
This thread belongs in the disintegrator unit.

AT-Man
02-07-2013, 02:10 PM
http://botcrawl.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/can-you-find-this-humerus.jpg

AT-Man
02-07-2013, 02:17 PM
Another Nietzschean joke:

What is brown and lies dead in the gutter?
Rusty God.

Jester
02-07-2013, 02:19 PM
http://botcrawl.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/can-you-find-this-humerus.jpg
Ok...that was kinda funny.

Blossombrooks
02-07-2013, 02:27 PM
I said to my husband 'Hand me that newspaper'
'Don't be silly,' he said, 'Here use my iPad'

That spider never knew what hit it....

XERO
02-07-2013, 03:21 PM
How did the Grim Reaper die?

He touched himself.

Lethal Lullaby
02-07-2013, 04:34 PM
:tdead: Why?! Have I been cursed to be BORING? Could it be that I'll never be able tell anything funny? (Yes because you suck) I can't even make fun of myself without it failing! (Are you done yet?) NO- okay yeah I am.

Warning: possible bad joke, but I just gotta try again.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The-
*slams the door shut*

The Stryker
02-07-2013, 04:57 PM
Even your attempts at quirky self deprecation are awful.

Voltron
02-07-2013, 08:03 PM
I have to agree with Stryker here, Ghost. You may be one of those people who're funny when they aren't trying to be.

I had a friend who only dated fat, white trash girls. He believed he could see ghosts and insisted he killed one with his car once. He rarely showered, was covered in cat hair, and failed out of remedial community college courses.

The moment he tried to make a joke, I stopped laughing at him.

Jester
02-07-2013, 08:17 PM
I have to agree with Stryker here, Ghost. You may be one of those people who're funny when they aren't trying to be.

I had a friend who only dated fat, white trash girls. He believed he could see ghosts and insisted he killed one with his car once. He rarely showered, was covered in cat hair, and failed out of remedial community college courses.

The moment he tried to make a joke, I stopped laughing at him.
Right....a "friend"....

Voltron
02-07-2013, 08:31 PM
Listen, my friends laugh at me when I do stupid things or make poor life choices. It's what guys do. If I end up being a fat moron with an even fatter girlfriend, and the two of us form some sort of schizophrenic scooby-doo mystery inc. thing with my magic ghost killing car, I expect to be laughed at. In fact, it's the only humane thing to do.

The problem with the world today is that stupid people aren't laughed at and ridiculed enough.

Hell, if we were just a little crueler, we could fix Congress in a week-tops.

Lethal Lullaby
02-07-2013, 08:32 PM
Even your attempts at quirky self deprecation are awful.

I like your comments. :rolling:

I have to agree with Stryker here, Ghost. You may be one of those people who're funny when they aren't trying to be.

I had a friend who only dated fat, white trash girls. He believed he could see ghosts and insisted he killed one with his car once. He rarely showered, was covered in cat hair, and failed out of remedial community college courses.

The moment he tried to make a joke, I stopped laughing at him.

Okay. New plan. You guys do the joke telling. :D

EDIT: Of course. This says, "Got any Jokes??" Meaning that I shouldn't be telling the jokes, but you guys should be. (I think I'm one of the few that find AT-Man's jokes kinda amusing. Then again I like dark humor)

Jester
02-07-2013, 08:44 PM
As the say, Voltron, "there shouldn't be a death penalty for stupidity, just take the warning labels off of everything and let nature take its course."

Guitar_Raph
02-07-2013, 09:14 PM
What did the electrician say to the physician when he couldn't pay the light bill?

Watt's up Doc!

Lethal Lullaby
02-07-2013, 09:48 PM
As the say, Voltron, "there shouldn't be a death penalty for stupidity, just take the warning labels off of everything and let nature take its course."

Haha :lol: I agree.

gobo
02-07-2013, 10:15 PM
2 blondes walk into a bar.

You think one of them would have seen it...
What does an angry pepper do?

He gets jalapeno face!
I said to my husband 'Hand me that newspaper'
'Don't be silly,' he said, 'Here use my iPad'

That spider never knew what hit it....
As the say, Voltron, "there shouldn't be a death penalty for stupidity, just take the warning labels off of everything and let nature take its course."
:thumbsup:

BubblyShell22
02-08-2013, 08:49 AM
Okay, here's one my friend told me:

A robber and his blonde accomplice drive up to a bank. The robber gives the accomplice instructions on what to do then asks, "Do you understand what I want you to do?"

The blonde nods. "Yes, I got that," she says.

"Okay, go," the robber says.

So the blonde goes into the bank and comes out with the safe all tied up. The robber slaps a hand to his forehead in exasperation.

"You idiot!" he yells. "You didn't follow my instructions!"

"Yes, I did," she contradicts. "I did what you asked me to."

"No, you didn't," he says. "My instructions were to tie up the security guard and blow the safe!"

Lethal Lullaby
02-08-2013, 09:15 AM
Anybody got any funny insults. I found this one online.

"Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory."

Of course I know a few of you could do better. :twink:

tmntpower1988
02-08-2013, 09:51 AM
Found these on the internet, they're ok compared to the other jokes.

1) A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

2) A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

Her husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde screams: “Shut up… you’re next!”

3) Harry Dunne: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu.
Mary Swanson: Really? Thats weird.
Harry Dunne: Yeah, we called it a Bull Sh*t.

The third one is a quote from Dumb and Dumber. Harry's laugh makes it funnier lol

Cure
02-08-2013, 10:26 AM
Anybody got any funny insults.

You have a flat face.

The Stryker
02-08-2013, 10:29 AM
http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/lakers-reaction-kobe.gif

02-08-2013, 10:32 AM
This crap belongs in Forum Games.

Lethal Lullaby
02-08-2013, 02:57 PM
This crap belongs in Forum Games.

Yeah... I probably should have put it here in the first place now that I think 'bout it. :toops:
Well. Thanks for doing that. :tcool:

Vivi
02-09-2013, 09:12 AM
I saw one on reddit the other day -it's pretty offensive so perhaps don't read it if you have a delicate disposition:

How do you castrate a priest? By kicking the altar boy's chin.

Lethal Lullaby
02-09-2013, 09:43 PM
Found this here http://www.jokes.com/funny-insults/ifpd0l/definition-of-diplomacy. So it is not mine. Okay?! Thank you :D

Guitar_Raph
02-23-2013, 05:13 AM
Have you heard about what happened @ the bank?

A woman named Dorothy placed her ATM card in the machine & the machine didn't return her card. She was histeric that Miss Gulch, the bank president saw the commotion.

DOROTHY: Don't do this to me. Return my ATM, come back ATM, come back!

MISS GULCH: ATM, ATM, come back. I'll give you ATM, my pretty! (Cackling)

AT-Man
02-23-2013, 07:53 AM
http://www.imagerape.com/images/2013/02/23/SQmYg.png

TheSmartOne
03-17-2013, 07:46 PM
My all time favourite. It's an old one, but it still cracks me up:

Three recently deceased men are standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter, the Gatekeeper, checks his book and in an apologetic voice, says "I'm sorry, but we don't have room for all three of you. So how about this. The person who had the most horrific death will be allowed to enter. The other two will have to take the elevator downstairs."

The three men agree to this and the first one steps up.
"Alright, Imagine this," He says, "I've suspected that my wife had been cheating on my for some time. So I left work early today, and hurried up to our apartment on the 10th floor. Sure enough, I find her naked in bed, with a champagne bottle and two glasses, but no other guy. I'm raging mad. I tear the entire apartment up trying to find him, when all of a sudden, out on the balcony, I see two hands holding on for dear life. So I ran over and started stepping on the guys fingers. He falls to the concrete below, but the sucker still wasn't dead! So I threw our mini refrigerator at him. I guess the excitement was too much for me, because I died of a heart attack a few moments later."

"That is very sad," Said St. Peter. "What about you?"

The second man steps up.
"Alright, Imagine this." The man says. "Every afternoon, I exercise out on the balcony of my 11th floor apartment. I must have slipped or something, because I suddenly fell over the edge. I got lucky and managed to grab onto the balcony directly below mine, but then this crazy man appears and starts stepping on my fingers! I fall ten stories and land on the concrete, miraculously alive. But then that same idiot throws his refrigerator at me! I died on impact."

"That is also very sad." Said St. Peter. "And what's your story?"

The third man steps up.
"Alright, Imagine this." He says. "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator."

Type 97 Chi-ha
03-17-2013, 09:19 PM
Since religion has become the latest trend:

In Biblical Israel, a woman is about to be stoned to death by a crowd for adultery. Jesus comes up and addresses the crowd, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!", knowing that there were many among them also guilty of such a crime, but who have gone unpunished. Aware of this, members of the crowd drop their stones-all except one woman. Seeing this, Jesus says, "Put that stone down, Mummy!"

BubblyShell22
03-19-2013, 04:06 PM
Awesome jokes, Smart One and T-97. They were really funny.

Guitar_Raph
04-18-2013, 02:12 PM
What would President Obama say to Congress when he leaves office?
MhWhy2VGaY8

ObiWanFan4life
04-18-2013, 02:16 PM
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl use the restroom?, the P is silent

BubblyShell22
04-18-2013, 04:30 PM
That's a good one. I've never heard that one before.

ObiWanFan4life
04-18-2013, 04:32 PM
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl use the restroom?, the P is silent

Hey, it's no worse than any of the other jokes on this forum

gobo
04-18-2013, 05:47 PM
Are the plops silent too? O_o

RaphAndDonnie
04-18-2013, 07:33 PM
I've always found Little Timmy/Johnny jokes to be funny so here are some I found on the Internet:

one day lil timmy was headed to his fathers house for the weekend.
so, he packed up all his materials for the next couple of days and put it in his wagon.
on his way to his fathers he passed a church and so happens the priest was raking some leaves.
lil timmy yelled "god damnit" while pulling his wagon

the priest says "you know you shouldn't swear god can hear you, he's every where"

lil timmy replies" is he in my wagon."

the priest exclaims "yes hes in your wagon to"

lil timmy shouts back " well, tell him to get the f*ck out this bitch is heavy."

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

gobo
04-19-2013, 07:07 AM
A horse walks into a bar. The bar says "watch where you're going, jackass!"
I just made that one up.

A kid dressed up as a pirate for Halloween. He goes to his neighbor's with his bag ready. He yells "trick or treat" as a lady opens the door. The woman exclaims, "Oh, what a cute little pirate! Where are your buccaneers, little pirate?". The kid replies, "Under my buccanhat".
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
:lol::thumbsup:

BubblyShell22
04-19-2013, 08:10 AM
I like the one with Lil' Timmy and the priest. That's hilarious.

Those are some nice ones, too, Gobo.

AT-Man
05-16-2013, 06:10 AM
Please stop telling gay jokes, cum on guys!

joefsas
05-16-2013, 06:26 AM
Iv'e got a few but don't think there quite appropriate :lol:

BubblyShell22
05-16-2013, 08:08 AM
Here's one:

A baby duck and a baby skunk were walking with their moms. The moms crossed the road but got hit by a car and died. The duck began crying and said, "My mom's dead and I don't really know who I am."

The skunk replies, "I can tell you who you are. You have webbed feet and you swim. You're a duck." Then the skunk also cries and says, "I never knew who I really was either. "

The duck replies, "Well, I can tell you that. You're black, you're white, your mom died. You're O.J. Simpson's son."

I heard this one while the O.J. trial was going on.

AT-Man
05-16-2013, 10:01 AM
I would tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long.

BubblyShell22
05-17-2013, 08:04 AM
Nice one, AT.

Lethal Lullaby
05-22-2013, 03:19 PM
This one I heard from a friend.

Dear Math,
Stop telling me to find your 'X'. It's not coming back.

BubblyShell22
05-22-2013, 04:14 PM
Oooh, good one, Ghost.

DONATELLO DUZMACHINES
06-14-2013, 09:39 AM
Who wants to hear a pizza joke? Nah its too chessey.:tlol:

Lethal Lullaby
06-14-2013, 10:47 AM
Who wants to hear a pizza joke? Nah its too chessey.:tlol:

cute :lol:

gobo
06-14-2013, 12:39 PM
A blonde walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"
Another vlonde walks into the same bar and says "Ouch! How come the preist and rabbi can always do it right?"
A duck walks into a bar and says "AFF***!!"
A bar walks into a bar and says "Whoa! Hold on a sec. Since when do I have legs?? :-?"
A mormon walks into a bar and I say "When's it my turn to be in one of these jokes? They're my jokes, for cryin' out loud!"
I walk into a bar and say "Finally!"
Everybody in the bar looks at me and I say "'Sup?"
The bar walks out of the jokes and I say "Was it something I typed? O_o"

BubblyShell22
06-14-2013, 03:50 PM
Nice ones, Gobo. Also a good one from you, DDM.

Guitar_Raph
06-22-2013, 09:21 AM
Have you heard about the diner that only serves pancakes & instant rice?

That's because the owners are Uncle Ben & Aunt Jemima!!

gobo
06-24-2013, 08:46 AM
Have you heard about the diner that only serves pancakes & instant rice?

That's because the owners are Uncle Ben & Aunt Jemima!!
:blanksta: Either I'm looking for the funny too hard or that's equivalent to saying:
You know why I like Frosted Flakes? Cuz they're grrrrreat!
Is that all it was? O_o

Luke795
06-24-2013, 08:13 PM
Do you know why the skeleton went to the library?
To bone up on a few things.

BubblyShell22
06-25-2013, 07:38 AM
Where do writing utensils go on vacation?

To Pennsylvania.

Voltron
06-25-2013, 06:49 PM
A compliment to Gobo's:

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

If a blonde and a brunette fall off a cliff at the same time, which one will hit ground first?

The brunette, since the blonde will have to stop and ask for directions.


A man bit his tongue, so he went to the doctor.

"Doctah!" He says. "I bid my tong! Id hurds!"

The doctor looks him over and says "Here is some aspirin. Take a few and call me in the morning."

The man thanks the doctor and leaves. He hops in a cab and, after some confusion (with the speech impediment due to the bit tongue) gets the cabbie to take him home. Suddenly, the man realizes that he's forgotten his aspirin at the doctors!

"Dwivah! Dwivah!" He shouts, in a panic. "My assbirns! My assbirns!"
The driver, who prides himself on being a problem solver, says "Oh! Quick! Stick in out the window!"

Jester
06-25-2013, 07:02 PM
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave.

Storm Eagle
06-25-2013, 07:20 PM
What do you get when you cross an insomniac with a dyslexic with an agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't black?
Ever tried taking a rib from a black guy?

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? I'm the one she's going to eat."

What did Ellen DeGeneres say to Kathie Lee Gifford?
"Can I be frank with you?"

What happened when Napoleon went to Mt. Olive?
Popeye got pissed.

What do your boss and a Slinky have in common?
They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.

How do you circumcise a whale?
Four skin divers.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

Who makes more money? A drug dealer or a prostitute?
A prostitute. She can always wash her crack and sell it again.

What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican with an Italian?
An offer you can't understand.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 2,000 people went down on the Titanic.

Lorena Bobbit married a Russian guy. What's her new name now?
Lorena Kutyakokov.

Did you hear about the car accident involving Lorena Bobbitt?
Some dick cut her off.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe with that thing?"

Jester
06-25-2013, 07:26 PM
WMDkzwl6ApY

gobo
06-25-2013, 08:31 PM
If a blonde and a brunette fall off a cliff at the same time, which one will hit ground first?

The brunette, since the blonde will have to stop and ask for directions.
XD Hilarious.
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave.
XD Another one I never heard before.
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."\
Do not get. 'Splanation, please.
Your others made me lol tho.
WMDkzwl6ApY
Come on, dude. You stole those from that movie. :roll:

Jester
06-25-2013, 08:35 PM
Do not get. 'Splanation, please.
Your others made me lol tho.
Really? Come on now...
"Make me one with everything" = Enlightenment or a fully loaded dog.
8bhsKlz8xkg

gobo
06-25-2013, 08:42 PM
Still don't see the connection. :ohwell:

Jester
06-25-2013, 09:30 PM
QU0tU9iAekE

Storm Eagle
06-25-2013, 10:12 PM
Still don't see the connection. :ohwell:

You had to have learned about Buddhism at some point.

Voltron
06-26-2013, 02:20 AM
Still don't see the connection. :ohwell:

In Buddhism, the goal is to become enlightened, or to realize that everything is connected. In fact, I believe the word "zen" is Japanese for "everything." To reach Heaven, a Buddhist must become "one with everything". The joke is that he's making such a monumental task seem trivial and vice versa.

BubblyShell22
06-26-2013, 03:07 PM
Awesome jokes, Storm Eagle. I got the Buddhist one right away.

Jester
06-26-2013, 03:16 PM
It's one of the oldest jokes in the book....

oldmanwinters
06-26-2013, 03:20 PM
Really? Come on now...
"Make me one with everything" = Enlightenment or a fully loaded dog.
8bhsKlz8xkg

I like that one!

Storm Eagle
06-26-2013, 04:23 PM
Awesome jokes, Storm Eagle. I got the Buddhist one right away.

Well I've got some more.

Why don't black people take Tylenol?
Because they're too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle.

What's blue and sits on a toilet bowl?
A cop doing his duty.

What has six legs and goes "ho-dee-doe ho-dee-doe"?
Three black guys running to catch an elevator.

Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cupboard.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because even in the future, they're still not working.

What was the last thing that went through Kurt Cobain's mind before he died?
His teeth.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
When she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

How do you stop an Italian from talking?
Cut his hands off.

Why couldn't the blonde pass her road test?
Because every time the car stopped, she'd jump in the back seat.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's butt?
A mechanic.

What's the difference between Marv Albert and Madonna?
Madonna doesn't wear panties.

A duck, a frog, and a skunk go to a fair, but only two can get in. Which two can get in and which can't?
The duck, because it had a bill, and the frog, because it had a green back. The skunk couldn't get in because all it had was a cent.

It's one of the oldest jokes in the book....

I got it from Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist.

gobo
06-26-2013, 04:28 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Like chickens need reasons?
Really? Come on now...
"Make me one with everything" = Enlightenment or a fully loaded dog.
Enlightenment is a drunk kanine? O_o
In Buddhism, the goal is to become enlightened, or to realize that everything is connected. In fact, I believe the word "zen" is Japanese for "everything." To reach Heaven, a Buddhist must become "one with everything". The joke is that he's making such a monumental task seem trivial and vice versa.
So, the connection is the word "everything", Got it. I can smirk at that.

BubblyShell22
06-27-2013, 07:37 AM
Man, SE, you've got some other good jokes. Loved those.

Guitar_Raph
06-28-2013, 02:57 AM
MORE CORNFIELD TIME

(Crow caws)
CpHYegtKr8U

GOOBER: Our housekeeper went to a dude ranch for domestics only.
LISA: Where is this place?
GOOBER: ALICE, Texas!

JUNIOR: I plan to go on a diet recommended by Peter.
CHARLIE: What can you eat?
JUNIOR: Just PORK CHOPS & APPLESAUCE!

BUCK: Did you hear the sheriff was jealous of his superior officer after he won the lottery?
ROY: No, but how did he take it?
BUCK: He just grumbled MARSHALL, MARSHALL, MARSHALL!

RONNIE: You heard that Greg turned down a commercial for Tiki Punch soda?
MISTY: Yeah, what bad luck!

SCARECROW: If you ask me, this here's nothing but a Brady Bunch theme cornfield sketch.
(Crow caws @ scarecrow)

KATHY: That's all.

Whatswiththeheadbands?
07-08-2013, 04:08 AM
Ive got one

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.

The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham.

The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.

That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"

His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.

At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."

The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."

gobo
07-08-2013, 12:53 PM
Ive got one

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.

The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham.

The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.

That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"

His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.

At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."

The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."
gobo likes this post. :tthumbsu:

LivingMutagen
07-08-2013, 01:09 PM
I've got one: miru

Luke795
07-16-2013, 02:20 AM
What card game do girls like to play?
Poke-her.

The Sewer Lord
07-16-2013, 04:23 AM
I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves!

Guitar_Raph
07-16-2013, 04:33 AM
If NASA keeps sending up rockets, there won't be anyone left to perform @ Radio City Music Hall!

Storm Eagle
07-24-2013, 09:08 PM
What's the difference between a pizza pie and a black man?
The pizza pie can feed a family of four.

Captain PunchYouHard
07-24-2013, 09:28 PM
A pedophile and a little boy are walking in the woods when the little boy starts to cry. The pedophile says "What're you crying about? I'm the one who has to walk out of here alone."

A rabbi, a priest, and a pastor walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Did you hear about the lawyer who opened a sushi restaurant? It's called Sosumi.

A polar bear takes his car to the mechanic. While the mechanic looks at the car, the polar bear goes out for ice cream. When he comes back, the mechanic says "I dunno what's wrong with the car, but it looks like you blew a seal."

gobo
07-24-2013, 10:15 PM
Got Any Jokes??
Maybe .

BubblyShell22
07-25-2013, 08:02 AM
Awesome jokes, SE and DC. I couldn't stop laughing.

Luke795
07-25-2013, 05:19 PM
A horse walks into a bar and someone says why the long face?
Because horses have long faces.

Captain PunchYouHard
07-25-2013, 06:59 PM
My ex's favorite joke:

A man walks into a bar. Thunk!

Lethal Lullaby
07-25-2013, 09:10 PM
Maybe .

:lol: Wow. (I get entertained too easily)

Zany Orange Dude
07-25-2013, 09:20 PM
Maybe .

Damn Gobo, you sure know how to tell a joke!:tlol:

Vivi
07-26-2013, 04:43 AM
No joke (but there will be afterwards), I was in the pharmacy the other day and an old lady handed me a sheet of jokes. No ulterior motive, she was just a little...different. I will share some of them with you now, and if you want, I can add more, but be warned, they are pretty corny.

What's the healthiest insect?
A vitamin bee

What bird can never be trusted?
A lyre bird

What can you serve but never eat?
A tennis ball

What do you call a camel without a hump?
Humphrey

Whatswiththeheadbands?
07-26-2013, 04:49 AM
No joke (but there will be afterwards), I was in the pharmacy the other day and an old lady handed me a sheet of jokes. No ulterior motive, she was just a little...different. I will share some of them with you now, and if you want, I can add more, but be warned, they are pretty corny.

What's the healthiest insect?
A vitamin bee

What bird can never be trusted?
A lyre bird

What can you serve but never eat?
A tennis ball

What do you call a camel without a hump?
Humphrey

http://bfolder.ru/_ph/17/2/138174189.jpg

Vivi
07-26-2013, 04:54 AM
^

Hey, I gave a disclaimer. I prefer my jokes a little more salty, and not even under the category of jokes. I'm just sharing the love.

BubblyShell22
07-26-2013, 07:23 AM
Hey, those jokes were good, Vivi. I liked them.

Guitar_Raph
07-26-2013, 08:12 PM
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
You bitter?
Yeah, bit him too! (Yokel laugh)

raph27
07-26-2013, 08:40 PM
One day a kindergartener went to class. His teacher said at the end if the day, "tonight I want you to figure out the first five letters of the alphabet." The kid went home and asked his sister on the phone, "What's the first letter of the alphabet?" His sister got mad and yelled, "Shut up I'm on the phone!" So the kid went downstairs where his father was studing history. "Daddy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" "The President of the United States." the dad replied, sucked into his research. Outside the kid met a garbage man. He asked the man what the third letter was. "In the garbage, in the garbage!" the man sang. So the kid walked to a pizza shop. He asked the owner what the fourth letter was. He was giving his number to a customer. "1-800-PIZZA-YUM!" He walked outside and saw a hot dog cart. He asked the hot dog man......you get it. The hot dog man screamed, "My weenies are burning, my weenies are burning!"

The next day the kid returned to school. The teacher asked, "who can tell me the first five letters of the alphabet?" The kid raised his hand and the teacher picked him. "What's the first letter?"
"Shut up I'm on the phone!"
The teacher was surprised. "Who are you talking to?"
"The president of the United States!"
"Where do you live?"
"In the gaaaaarbage, In the garbage!"
"What's your number?"
"1-800-PIZZA-YUM!"
"Do you have a problem?"
"My weenies are burning, my weenies are burning!":D

Captain PunchYouHard
07-26-2013, 10:36 PM
I know someone who thinks he's an owl.

BubblyShell22
07-27-2013, 07:37 AM
One day a kindergartener went to class. His teacher said at the end if the day, "tonight I want you to figure out the first five letters of the alphabet." The kid went home and asked his sister on the phone, "What's the first letter of the alphabet?" His sister got mad and yelled, "Shut up I'm on the phone!" So the kid went downstairs where his father was studing history. "Daddy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" "The President of the United States." the dad replied, sucked into his research. Outside the kid met a garbage man. He asked the man what the third letter was. "In the garbage, in the garbage!" the man sang. So the kid walked to a pizza shop. He asked the owner what the fourth letter was. He was giving his number to a customer. "1-800-PIZZA-YUM!" He walked outside and saw a hot dog cart. He asked the hot dog man......you get it. The hot dog man screamed, "My weenies are burning, my weenies are burning!"

The next day the kid returned to school. The teacher asked, "who can tell me the first five letters of the alphabet?" The kid raised his hand and the teacher picked him. "What's the first letter?"
"Shut up I'm on the phone!"
The teacher was surprised. "Who are you talking to?"
"The president of the United States!"
"Where do you live?"
"In the gaaaaarbage, In the garbage!"
"What's your number?"
"1-800-PIZZA-YUM!"
"Do you have a problem?"
"My weenies are burning, my weenies are burning!":D

Nice one.

I know someone who thinks he's an owl.

I don't get it.

Captain PunchYouHard
07-27-2013, 08:56 AM
I don't get it.

The usual response is "Who?", to which I say "Now I know two people who think they're owls!"

AT-Man
07-27-2013, 09:09 AM
The usual response is "Who?", to which I say "Now I know two people who think they're owls!"

That's brilliant!!

BubblyShell22
07-27-2013, 10:15 AM
The usual response is "Who?", to which I say "Now I know two people who think they're owls!"

Ah, I see. Should have caught that.

Captain PunchYouHard
07-27-2013, 11:01 AM
Ah, I see. Should have caught that.

I don't blame you; I actually only get a "Who?" 1/5th of the time, at which point I laugh hysterically at my own joke like the social r*tard I am.

gobo
07-27-2013, 06:38 PM
One day a kindergartener went to class. His teacher said at the end if the day, "tonight I want you to figure out the first five letters of the alphabet." The kid went home and asked his sister on the phone, "What's the first letter of the alphabet?" His sister got mad and yelled, "Shut up I'm on the phone!" So the kid went downstairs where his father was studing history. "Daddy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" "The President of the United States." the dad replied, sucked into his research. Outside the kid met a garbage man. He asked the man what the third letter was. "In the garbage, in the garbage!" the man sang. So the kid walked to a pizza shop. He asked the owner what the fourth letter was. He was giving his number to a customer. "1-800-PIZZA-YUM!" He walked outside and saw a hot dog cart. He asked the hot dog man......you get it. The hot dog man screamed, "My weenies are burning, my weenies are burning!"

The next day the kid returned to school. The teacher asked, "who can tell me the first five letters of the alphabet?" The kid raised his hand and the teacher picked him. "What's the first letter?"
"Shut up I'm on the phone!"
The teacher was surprised. "Who are you talking to?"
"The president of the United States!"
"Where do you live?"
"In the gaaaaarbage, In the garbage!"
"What's your number?"
"1-800-PIZZA-YUM!"
"Do you have a problem?"
"My weenies are burning, my weenies are burning!":D
:blanksta: Well... They can't all be winners, can they?
I know someone who thinks he's an owl.
Who? O_o
Sorry I wasn't around earlier... :P

Captain PunchYouHard
07-27-2013, 07:15 PM
Who? O_o
Sorry I wasn't around earlier... :P

Thanks for playing, dude. ;p

Storm Eagle
07-28-2013, 08:40 AM
In church, why do they sing "amen" and not "a-women"?
Because they sing hyms, not hers.

BubblyShell22
07-28-2013, 04:02 PM
Nice one, SE. I've never heard that one before.

DaVinci
07-29-2013, 01:23 PM
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?



A nervous wreck.

Retro-Specs
07-30-2013, 09:51 PM
So three guys are crossing this bridge, when a genie pops out from underneath. He claims, "I am the genie of this enchanted bridge! I will grant each of you your heart's desire. Simply jump off the side of the bridge and shout out what it is you want, and you will land upon an abundance of it!"

The three guys are skeptical, but decide to try it. The first guy runs and jumps off the side of the bridge and shouts out:

"Money!"

And lands in a giant pile of money. The second guy, seeing this, runs and jumps off the edge, then shouts:

"Diamonds!"

And like the previous guy, he lands in a giant pile of diamonds. The third guy, excited that the first two got their wishes, runs and goes to jump, but trips over the edge, stubbing his toes, and shouts:

"Ow, CRAP!"

BubblyShell22
07-31-2013, 07:57 AM
Oooh, nice one, RS. I've never heard that joke before.

MsMarvelDuckie
08-09-2013, 05:05 PM
A few of D&D -related jokes:

A human, an elf, and a dwarf walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.


Ever wonder why dwarves have such big nostrils? Have you seen the size of their FINGERS?!!


An Elf, Human, and Dwarf order a beer. When the beer arrives, a fly lands in each one.
The Elf shoves the beer away in distain.
The Human flicks the fly away and drinks the beer.
The Dwarf picks the fly up by the wings, holding it over his glass and screams, "Spit it all out you little *******!"


An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"
An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"
The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"
"What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"
The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"
Moral: Always chew your food.

BubblyShell22
08-09-2013, 05:25 PM
I've never heard of those jokes, but then again, I never knew of anyone who was a D&D fan. Nice ones though, Duckie.

MsMarvelDuckie
08-09-2013, 07:59 PM
Yup, I've been a player since right out of high school- going on 17 years, lol! And for reasons that should be obvious, I'm usually the DM (Dungeon Master/Game Master/Storyteller) in my groups. In other words, I get to come up with all the fun stuff that the players do or encounter!

Vivi
08-15-2013, 10:31 AM
Because you know you want more of this crap:

What do you call a lady that burns her bills?
Bernadette

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

What do you call a man on the stage?
Mike

Why can't bikes stand up?
They're too tyred


...and that's enough of that.

MsMarvelDuckie
08-15-2013, 02:13 PM
And one I came up with for a TMNT tale:

What do you call a weiner dog on a pizza? Pupperoni!

(another D&D one): A young goblin turns to his mother at the table and says, "Mommy, when are we having grandma for dinner?"
The mother goblin looks at him sternly and replies, "Hush! We haven't even finished your aunt yet!"

Luigiperps
08-21-2013, 08:32 PM
I got this one from a comic book!(teen titans go! #25)

Why are there only 25 letters during the holiday season?

Because of "No el"!!!

WhitefinDolphin
08-21-2013, 09:24 PM
An 8 year-old boy told this joke to me last year. I was actually caught off guard and laughed pretty hard when he told me this one.

What's the difference between roast beef, mashed potatoes, and pea Soup?

You can roast beef, you can mash potatoes, but you can't pee soup.

BubblyShell22
08-22-2013, 07:58 AM
Wow. Those are some awesome ones, guys.

Rejected book titles:

Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts

Fifty Yards to the Outhouse by Willie Makit

Is There Love For Me? by Amanda Hugginkiss

You Crack Me Up by Hugh Jass

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go by Ivonna Tinkle

Guitar_Raph
08-25-2013, 08:58 PM
GREG: Patty, I had a terrible nghtmare. I dreamt that I was being pursued by lions & tigers & bears!
PATTY: Oh my! Were you in the jungle?
GREG: Nope, the Wizard of Oz Carousel! You can get on the broom Patty!
(Patty whacks Greg)
PATTY: I'll get you my pretty & your little dog too! (CACKLING)

Captain PunchYouHard
08-26-2013, 07:21 PM
My new favorite joke:

Police: *knock knock*
Me: "Who's there?"
Police: "There's been an accident."
Me: "There's been an accident who?"

*rolls*

Storm Eagle
08-26-2013, 11:19 PM
If there's H2O inside of a fire hydrant, what's outside of it?
K9P.

BubblyShell22
08-27-2013, 07:50 AM
Nice one, Storm Eagle.

If you're American outside of the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?

European.

Retro-Specs
08-27-2013, 10:13 AM
If you're American outside of the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?

European.

Not only that, but sometimes you're "Russian" on the way to the bathroom!

ObiWanFan4life
08-27-2013, 10:15 AM
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?
Christopher Reeve

Storm Eagle
08-27-2013, 10:30 AM
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?
Christopher Reeve

I heard that one before, except it was the reverse. I'd have posted it too, but I thought I might get chewed out for it.

BubblyShell22
08-27-2013, 03:36 PM
Never heard that joke before myself, but I can get the joke anyway.

MsMarvelDuckie
08-31-2013, 07:45 PM
A man walks into a bar and sits down, pulls a small piano out of his coat pocket, then pulls out a twelve-inch man. The little man begins to play the piano, and the bartender, amazed, asks the customer where he got the little performer.
"I found a bottle with a genie in it, and he granted me one wish," the man replies.
"I don't believe it!" says the bartender. "Prove it!"
"Okay, but I gotta warn you, you might regret it," the customer says, and pulls out this incredibly old bottle. He tells the bartender to rub it. He does, and a genie appears, just as the man had said.
"What is your wish?" says the genie.
"I wish for a million bucks!" the bartender says confidently.
"Granted!" the genie replies, and the bar is promptly filled with a million ducks flapping and quacking.
"What! That's not what I asked for!" The bartender screams at the man with the tiny pianist. "What am I going to do with all these ducks?!"
"I warned you! did you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

BubblyShell22
09-01-2013, 07:49 AM
Ah, I get it. That was hilarious, Duckie.

Whatswiththeheadbands?
09-01-2013, 08:27 AM
A man walks into a bar and sits down, pulls a small piano out of his coat pocket, then pulls out a twelve-inch man. The little man begins to play the piano, and the bartender, amazed, asks the customer where he got the little performer.
"I found a bottle with a genie in it, and he granted me one wish," the man replies.
"I don't believe it!" says the bartender. "Prove it!"
"Okay, but I gotta warn you, you might regret it," the customer says, and pulls out this incredibly old bottle. He tells the bartender to rub it. He does, and a genie appears, just as the man had said.
"What is your wish?" says the genie.
"I wish for a million bucks!" the bartender says confidently.
"Granted!" the genie replies, and the bar is promptly filled with a million ducks flapping and quacking.
"What! That's not what I asked for!" The bartender screams at the man with the tiny pianist. "What am I going to do with all these ducks?!"
"I warned you! did you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

:lol::tlol: that's a great joke lol

Lethal Lullaby
09-06-2013, 11:06 PM
One of my friends told this one (it's kinda dark)

What makes a cell phone and a child alike?

If they've been missing for more than 3 days they're probably dead.

BubblyShell22
09-07-2013, 02:15 PM
Yep, definitely dark, LL, but so true.

Storm Eagle
09-11-2013, 12:44 AM
A man walks into a bar and sits down, pulls a small piano out of his coat pocket, then pulls out a twelve-inch man. The little man begins to play the piano, and the bartender, amazed, asks the customer where he got the little performer.
"I found a bottle with a genie in it, and he granted me one wish," the man replies.
"I don't believe it!" says the bartender. "Prove it!"
"Okay, but I gotta warn you, you might regret it," the customer says, and pulls out this incredibly old bottle. He tells the bartender to rub it. He does, and a genie appears, just as the man had said.
"What is your wish?" says the genie.
"I wish for a million bucks!" the bartender says confidently.
"Granted!" the genie replies, and the bar is promptly filled with a million ducks flapping and quacking.
"What! That's not what I asked for!" The bartender screams at the man with the tiny pianist. "What am I going to do with all these ducks?!"
"I warned you! did you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Nice. I've heard that one before.
One of my friends told this one (it's kinda dark)

What makes a cell phone and a child alike?

If they've been missing for more than 3 days they're probably dead.

That's ****ed up.

Guitar_Raph
09-13-2013, 08:16 PM
Have you heard about the game show contestant on Million Second Quiz that thought he was on another game show?

When his question was re-doubled & didn't know the answer, he asked Ryan Seacrest if he could take the Physical Challenge!

Storm Eagle
09-15-2013, 10:09 PM
Have you heard about the game show contestant on Million Second Quiz that thought he was on another game show?

When his question was re-doubled & didn't know the answer, he asked Ryan Seacrest if he could take the Physical Challenge!

There's a "your mama" joke like that. It goes "Your mama is so stupid that when she was on Double Dare, they asked her what her name was and she said 'I'll take the physical challenge'".

Now I've got one of my own:
A duck, a frog, and a skunk were going to the fair. Only two could go and one couldn't. Why?
The duck could go because it had a bill, the frog could go because it had a green back, but the skunk couldn't because it only had a cent.

BubblyShell22
09-16-2013, 08:23 AM
Oooh, nice one, SE.

Teddy
09-16-2013, 08:54 AM
A man walks into a bar and sits down, pulls a small piano out of his coat pocket, then pulls out a twelve-inch man. The little man begins to play the piano, and the bartender, amazed, asks the customer where he got the little performer.
"I found a bottle with a genie in it, and he granted me one wish," the man replies.
"I don't believe it!" says the bartender. "Prove it!"
"Okay, but I gotta warn you, you might regret it," the customer says, and pulls out this incredibly old bottle. He tells the bartender to rub it. He does, and a genie appears, just as the man had said.
"What is your wish?" says the genie.
"I wish for a million bucks!" the bartender says confidently.
"Granted!" the genie replies, and the bar is promptly filled with a million ducks flapping and quacking.
"What! That's not what I asked for!" The bartender screams at the man with the tiny pianist. "What am I going to do with all these ducks?!"
"I warned you! did you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

Nice. :tlol:

Guitar_Raph
09-22-2013, 05:35 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v330/PCenter/Mystery%20Section/Democrat_zps6dc4a56b.jpghttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v330/PCenter/Mystery%20Section/Curly_Howard_actress_zpsa607d6fe.jpg

Guitar_Raph
09-26-2013, 04:44 AM
ROY: I'm sorry that you lost your pet grasshopper. What happeed?
CHARLIE: He committed pesticide!

Whatswiththeheadbands?
10-04-2013, 12:50 PM
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

BubblyShell22
10-04-2013, 05:16 PM
Nice one, Headbands, and some good ones from you, GR.

Guitar_Raph
10-07-2013, 07:15 PM
What kinda place would a chimpanzee visit to loosen up & get away from the jungle? A monkey ranch!

Whatswiththeheadbands?
03-24-2014, 02:25 PM
It's about time this thread came back. Right:

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."


And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."


He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Lethal Lullaby
03-24-2014, 02:33 PM
Yep. Just a couple pictures I found amusing.

http://www.monkeygag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Who-is-the-murderer.jpg

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/t_ku-medium/dxgyrwpw4fchtkj57tzp.png

Whatswiththeheadbands?
03-24-2014, 02:46 PM
Yep. Just a couple pictures I found amusing.

http://www.monkeygag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Who-is-the-murderer.jpg

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/t_ku-medium/dxgyrwpw4fchtkj57tzp.png

The first one was funny. To be honest, I didn't get the second

BubblyShell22
03-24-2014, 03:14 PM
Nice joke, Headbands.

LL, I agree that I understood the first one, but the second one confused me.

RaphAndDonnie
03-27-2014, 07:34 PM
My friends and I told a bunch of anti-jokes today.
What's worse then dropping your ice cream?
The Holocaust :|

What do you do when your baby falls down the stairs?
You get really stressed and call for an ambulance because your baby fell down the stairs. :|

MsMarvelDuckie
04-01-2014, 06:24 PM
It's about time this thread came back. Right:

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."


And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."


He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Great one!

snake
04-01-2014, 06:25 PM
Yep. Just a couple pictures I found amusing.

http://www.monkeygag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Who-is-the-murderer.jpg

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/t_ku-medium/dxgyrwpw4fchtkj57tzp.png

The second one made me spit out my drink.

ObiWanFan4life
04-01-2014, 06:27 PM
The second one was hilarious. Though I'd rather not remember the that movie.

Whatswiththeheadbands?
04-02-2014, 12:38 AM
The second one was hilarious. Though I'd rather not remember the that movie.

Is the second picture supposed to be 'The human centipede'?

Lethal Lullaby
04-23-2014, 10:59 AM
Is the second picture supposed to be 'The human centipede'?

Eeyup.

Some Anti-Jokes: (that I found via Anti-Joke Chicken)

Where did Sally go after the explosion? Everywhere

What's the difference between a blonde and your tooth brush? If you can't tell you need some serious help, now!

A horse walks into a bar... Seeing the potential danger everyone leaves.

Luigiperps
04-23-2014, 03:36 PM
That beef picture at the Mexican restaurant was really low RES!!!

Why can't you hear it when a pterodactyl goes to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent!!

http://rubbercat.net/text/sharkjokes.html

Lou 500
05-24-2014, 07:15 AM
What do Russians use when they need the bathroom but aren't within reach of a lavatory?

A poo tin.

Storm Eagle
06-16-2014, 01:48 PM
Twenty jokes that only geeks will understand.

http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2014/04/05/20-jokes-that-only-geeks-will-understand-pic/?utm_source=zergnet.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=zergnet_162544

electric_sheep
06-16-2014, 02:05 PM
Got some really bad ones, i can't seem to find them in english so i have to translate them from my language, some of the funny might be lost though :/

Why can't Jesus eat peanuts?
Because he has holes on his hands.


what do you do when you see a black man jumping on one leg in your back yard?
You stop laughing and shoot him in the other one.


where can you find the most jews?
In the atmosphere.

Why could Jesus walk on water?
**** floats.

What's the diference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
You take your boots off when you jump on a trampoline.

What's small, and shiny, and blue? A baby with a plastic baggy over its head.

Whatswiththeheadbands?
06-16-2014, 02:32 PM
Got some really bad ones, i can't seem to find them in english so i have to translate them from my language, some of the funny might be lost though :/

Why can't Jesus eat peanuts?
Because he has holes on his hands.


what do you do when you see a black man jumping on one leg in your back yard?
You stop laughing and shoot him in the other one.


where can you find the most jews?
In the atmosphere.

Why could Jesus walk on water?
**** floats.

What's the diference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
You take your boots off when you jump on a trampoline.

What's small, and shiny, and blue? A baby with a plastic baggy over its head.
Those are horrible.

http://i.imgur.com/CIR3cxo.jpg

Vivi
06-17-2014, 05:53 AM
What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint!

Luigiperps
06-17-2014, 10:48 AM
http://i1294.photobucket.com/albums/b612/luigiperps/9b70ac604ed5b847b158d4b1428775d5_zps80d4bde6.jpg

Lou 500
06-17-2014, 03:48 PM
So, Peter Pan can gather a child army and that's fine.

But when a black man does it....

----

What do you call an Indian man that travels a lot?

Bindair Dundat

----

I saw this old granny in the street today and said, "Show us your tits love."

So she lifted up her skirt.

MsMarvelDuckie
07-19-2014, 05:24 PM
Not exactly a joke, but..... If Krang got into fashion design, would he be the "brains of the outfit"?

When Krang is having dinner, is it considered "brain food"?

Sorry for these bad puns, but the hubby and I were having one of our weird" bedtime convos" this morning (No, it's not THAT kind of convo, just a weird dialog of off-the-wall topics; sometimes we have them when going to bed, sometimes when getting up in the morning) and he had me in stitches laughing at the lame jokes!

Example: "I had a stray thought, but it got picked up by the pound." Yeas, he actually said this..... :trolleye::toops::twink::tlol:

Lou 500
07-22-2014, 06:35 AM
http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs36/f/2008/254/1/8/Oh_Yea____That__s_Just_Right_by_THeFReCKLeDFINGeR. jpg

Guitar_Raph
01-13-2016, 05:29 AM
http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs36/f/2008/254/1/8/Oh_Yea____That__s_Just_Right_by_THeFReCKLeDFINGeR. jpg

Why the 3 bears got on Jerry Springer!

Guitar_Raph
03-01-2016, 06:22 PM
Today @ the polls, I decided to vote for Donald Trump. While waiting in line, a person said that anyone who voted for Trump is throwing their vote away! So I quoted, "Silly babbit, Trumps are for chumps!"

Mew
03-02-2016, 04:55 AM
Donald Trump was homeless. A rat climbed on his head and died. That's how he got his "toupee"