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View Full Version : Ninja Turtles Foodabunga #1- TMNT POPSICLES!


snake
06-08-2016, 08:58 PM
Written by snake

I was just browsing the drome this morning and a thought crossed me. I've never really contributed anything. Like, compared to most people here I've done jack sh*t. I've just kinda chimed in and caused fights most of the time. So I weighed my options here on what I could do that was low effort enough to still be considered content and I came to the conclusion of writing about turtles food that comes out. Most of this stuff is just regular food, just slapped with the same goddamn image of the Nick turtles we've seen 1000 times over on everything from sunglasses to music players. The small percentage of it that isn't just a cheap cash grab and is actually worth celebrating is far and few.

Today we have the former, in the shape of TMNT Popsicles, made by the Popsicle company!

https://i.imgur.com/WjnZN9Sh.jpg

Wow what amazing packaging. I just love that copy pasted image of the turtles onto the same old yellow box like it's nothing. These things shouldn't just be popsicles, they should be an EVENT! The whole box should be green, dripping with ooze, and if they really wanted to sell these things, the popsicles would have a gimmick with them. I'm a sucker for popsicle gimmicks; pushups, hard shelled, printed drawings etched onto the treat ala WWF Ice Cream Bars, you name it. If I was the man in charge of the Popsicle company, I would've gone with a green outer shell with purple goo in the middle, complete with images of the turtles ON THE BARS! Load the back of the packaging with bios and TRADING CARDS! Glow in the dark trading cards! Cards with no value whatsoever and always look like sh*t when you cut them out

Or y'know I could just attach sh*tty, vaguely related turtle jokes to the stick and call it a day.

I wonder what being the head of the popsicle company is like. It must make talking with non popsicle-affiliated folk extremely awkward when work related talk comes up. "Oh yeah, I work for Popsicle. I guess you can say I'm a pretty big deal."

Maybe it's just me or I can't see working as someone important in the company without wearing a get up that isn't a mix between a child predetor and Wily Wonka

The "gimmick" here is pretty simple. 4 different flavors representing the 4 brothers. The flavors are appropriately named "Orange Fury", "Cherry Crush" (Like the pornstar!), "Blue Raspberry Blast", and "Smashing Grape".

It looks like Donnie won out of all these names. His sounds pretty intimidating, like there's regular grape, and then there's SMASHING grape. Big difference. Mikey's popsicle (god that's dirty) sounds wayyyy too much like "Orange
Furry".

Raph's shares the name of a pornstar, which might be pretty accurate. Maybe Raph called up Popsicle and gave them the name as a joke and they, ignorant of what Raph polishes his sai to, decided it was good enough.

Leo has "Blue Raspberry Blast" which is way too generic for a f*cking TMNT popsicle. Why not Booyakasha Blast instead?

Donnie has SMASHING GRAPE. Hell yeah. That name reeks of greatness.

NUTRITION FACTS
-40 calories per popsicle (HOLY MOLEY)

The Nutrition Facts were actually a shock to me, clocking in at 40 calories. Usually this stuff is loaded with sh*t, so I guess it's nice to see a change.

Continued below

snake
06-08-2016, 09:04 PM
https://i.imgur.com/HXyofvyh.jpg

Now it's time to pick a popsicle. Now everyone objectivly knows that red is the best base popsicle flavor, followed by grape, then blue, and then a power gap the size of the Mariana Trench, and then Orange. Orange is for sh*theads.

The popsicles come bagged in twos, symbolic of the turtles relationships I guess. Or not.

PLEASE BE RED PLEASE BE RED IGNORE THE FACT I CAN SEE THROUGH THE WRAPPER

https://i.imgur.com/NIBXTb2h.jpg

I pick my popsicle and HOLY HELL ITS RED. ITS REDDER THAN A USED TAMPON. ITS REDDER THAN CHERRY CRUSH'S USED TAMPON.

https://i.imgur.com/hrXlSZmh.jpg

This thing is beautiful, and wait, what's this? ITS A JOKE! I KNEW I HAD A FUTURE IN THE POPSICLE BUISNESS.

https://i.imgur.com/9hc4IGCh.jpg

It's a turtle penis, see?

https://i.imgur.com/GBD84Huh.jpg

I finished the popsicle and the not even turtle related joke was revealed to me. "Why was the baby comforter so sad?" It asks. The correct response is a dreary "I dunno why". Go on, ask it.

"IT WAS A LITTLE DOWN"

What.

What the f*ck. This is what I'm talking about with the child predetor Wily Wonka sh*t. Only he would come up with this joke.

The popsicle was pretty decent. It had that faint taste of wood from the stick and a nice cherry ring to it. As a popsicle, pretty decent. As a Turtles popsicle, disapointing. So yeah, they should've taken advantage of the license, and why wouldn't they? You can do so much with turtles food. I don't think I'm alone when I say that I will eat anything that advertises itself as food with EDIBLE slime or ooze. Gooey, good, slime food.

Snake's rating- 3/10

I hope everyone liked this long winded thread about Turtles popsicles, and I'm not gonna stop this either. Give some feedback below. Did you ever try these? Thoughts?

I gotta give props to Matt from X-Entertainment and now Dinosaur Dracula.com for influencing my writing style so much. He and circa 2009-2010-2011 Cracked.com had a huge influence on the way I write and I love it.

Thanks for reading! Next up is something that handles the TMNT license a little bit better. Scratch that, a lot better.

I'm out!

IndigoErth
06-08-2016, 10:04 PM
:lol: You're such a snarky bugger. Well done.


Haven't had those. But I agree, there's a lot of stuff companies just aren't even trying anymore. What disappointed me in this regard most recently: the movie Fruit by the Foot/Roll-Ups. They already press patterns into the Fruit by the Foot and images on the Fruit Roll-ups. It would not have killed them to at least press/print the classic 80s face(es) on it. Or a shell logo, or the film title. Something. But no. Not even specially selected flavors, unlike the popsicles.


Yes, feel fee to make these reviews a habit.

snake
06-08-2016, 10:17 PM
:lol: You're such a snarky bugger. Well done.


Haven't had those. But I agree, there's a lot of stuff companies just aren't even trying anymore. What disappointed me in this regard most recently: the movie Fruit by the Foot/Roll-Ups. They already press patterns into the Fruit by the Foot and images on the Fruit Roll-ups. It would not have killed them to at least press/print the classic 80s face(es) on it. Or a shell logo, or the film title. Something. But no. Not even specially selected flavors, unlike the popsicles.


Yes, feel fee to make these reviews a habit.

I wasn't even aware of the existence of Movie Fruit Roll Ups. I assume they came out for the 2014 movie, right?

Powder
06-08-2016, 10:24 PM
I will definitely follow your reviews! I laughed out loud a bunch of times. :tlol:

Your mere presence is a fine contribution, Snake. You are one of the few people on here who comes off as real & witty without trying, a far more sharp & mature dude than most people here, all while being one of our youngest members.

Anyway, word, most promotional tie-in products these days are such crap. It's sad. When I was a little kid & turtlemania was in full force, there was sooooo much stuff, & almost all of it had unique packaging. Original art for each brand, with a unified look. Besides Playmates', it's almost like there was a Halston TMNT Universe at one point, for example. Mini comics, bowls, clocks, tons of box art, you get the idea. You'd get toys, stickers, cards, & if not, whatever your item came in might even be worth keeping. The food would be legitimately themed, rather than re-branded, & a lot of the time was an exclusive. All the Nick turtle merch we get is cool, I'm glad to see a market saturated with ooze, but not a whole lot of it is worth having. I'm sure I've seen 50 completely different items all with the same stock art action pose renders.

The new cereal is pretty cool in concept, but it's so horrible I'd never have you or your folks waste money on by my suggestion.

CylonsKlingonsDaleksOhMy
06-08-2016, 10:33 PM
I laughed so loud I think I woke up the neighbors. Seriously, I just saw a light turn on in their window. :tlol:

I DEMAND more Foodabunga. This was:

A. Well-written
B. Frakking hilarious
C. A legitimately good review
D. All of the above

IndigoErth
06-08-2016, 10:37 PM
I wasn't even aware of the existence of Movie Fruit Roll Ups. I assume they came out for the 2014 movie, right?
Nah, they're new, out for the current film. Was disappointed that the print on the food itself is just the brand's annoying tv commercial characters.

At least they have mini posters on the back. The box I found with Leo is Strawberry Sensation flavor. Hm. (Raph was on the larger pack with more than one flavor, but not sure which.)



The cereal that bad Powder? :ohwell: I've seen it, haven't tried it. The cereal pieces are creepy looking imo. If they were white it might look like their skulls. Maybe it should be Shredder's cereal...


Edit: Now see, this is the way to do it. https://youtu.be/ZOYCp3IanUk Sad I missed out on that.

Powder
06-08-2016, 10:55 PM
The cereal that bad Powder? :ohwell: I've seen it, haven't tried it. The cereal pieces are creepy looking imo. If they were white it might look like their skulls. Maybe it should be Shredder's cereal...


Unfortunately, yeah. :tsad:

Recent posts of relevance-

The new cereal is AWFUL, don't try it. It's a Trix clone, which would be fine, except it's like having Trix after losing 90% of your taste buds- very little flavor at all. Aaaaaand the pieces are extremely hard, you can barely eat it dry.

I couldn't agree more about the new TMNT cereal. That was the one product I was really wondering why they hadn't made a TMNT version of again like during Turtlemania. But I wish they hadn't have made that version of TMNT cereal. It's really awful!

nellyp
06-08-2016, 11:21 PM
I bought the kids a box of TMNT cereal but I never tried it. It looks like it is made of corn,food colouring, and shame. With the popcicles they at least got the colours to match the masks but it looks very low effort indeed.

IndigoErth
06-08-2016, 11:27 PM
Blah, thanks for the warning. I only eat cereal dry and too much dental work to risk on a bad novelty.

TurtleWA
06-09-2016, 09:56 AM
http://www.candywarehouse.com/themes/animation-and-super-hero-characters/products/teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-lollipop-swords-12-piece-display/

Check these out. Light-up swords candy lollipops. A little better quality at first glance I would say, especially compared to those Popsicles.

Cure
06-09-2016, 03:02 PM
Haha, good job, homie. Try the mac & cheese next, although I'm not sure if that'll be as entertaining.

CylonsKlingonsDaleksOhMy
06-09-2016, 03:14 PM
Haha, good job, homie. Try the mac & cheese next, although I'm not sure if that'll be as entertaining.

Mac & cheese is ALWAYS entertaining. It's like a bowlful of cheesy gooey edible clowns.

Y'know, back when clowns weren't scary and horror icons.

thundermaster612
06-09-2016, 03:40 PM
I actually have the Mac and Cheese aswell as Pasta, Cookies, and *snort*... turtle soup...

:shredder:

nellyp
06-10-2016, 12:57 AM
Mac & cheese is ALWAYS entertaining. It's like a bowlful of cheesy gooey edible clowns.

Y'know, back when clowns weren't scary and horror icons.

My father made me kiss a clown on the cheek when I was a little kid while we were at the circus. I was scared and didn't want to do it. I never recovered. Everytime I see the crazy clownin' Mike figure I want to curl up into the fetal position. Something I hate mixed with something I love, so conflicted. My girlfriend makes fun of me for my clown fear but she wasn't there, to experience the horror!

Anyway, we never got the TMNT Kraft Dinner...I mean Mac & Cheese for ppl in the U.S. They had it in the grocery store flyers but it never came out so that kinda sucked.

CylonsKlingonsDaleksOhMy
06-10-2016, 08:34 AM
My father made me kiss a clown on the cheek when I was a little kid while we were at the circus. I was scared and didn't want to do it. I never recovered. Everytime I see the crazy clownin' Mike figure I want to curl up into the fetal position. Something I hate mixed with something I love, so conflicted. My girlfriend makes fun of me for my clown fear but she wasn't there, to experience the horror!

Anyway, we never got the TMNT Kraft Dinner...I mean Mac & Cheese for ppl in the U.S. They had it in the grocery store flyers but it never came out so that kinda sucked.

Clowns are terrifying, man. I'm here for you... we've all been there. Well, maybe not exactly.

But F clowns. Them scary.

ProactiveMan
06-11-2016, 10:44 AM
Haha, good review. I'm a big fan of Dinosaur Dracula / X-Entertainment too.

I kind'a want a popsicle now.

Etsyturtle2
06-18-2016, 04:58 PM
this is funny lol more pls

I Crave Pizza No More
06-18-2016, 05:34 PM
I saw some yogurt at Target that has some of the "classic" designs on it. Didn't buy it and don't want to eat that much sugar all at once, but I was intrigued.

Mew
06-18-2016, 06:44 PM
I saw some yogurt at Target that has some of the "classic" designs on it. Didn't buy it and don't want to eat that much sugar all at once, but I was intrigued.
I got that. Those extra sweet yogurts are yummy.