View Full Version : jokes come and laugh youre head off
08-25-2002, 04:13 PM
An Old Man's Dying Request
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live.
So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here,
because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor.
Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.
When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said,
"I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills.
But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."
The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church.
It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two
taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it in!"
08-25-2002, 04:13 PM
A hillbilly walks into a bar, orders three mugs of Budweiser and sits in
the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after
I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The hillbilly replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers, one is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Tennessee. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank
together. So I drink one
for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The hillbilly becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way.He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss and this round is on me."
The hillbilly looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he
laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that my
wife had us join that
Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. It hasn't affected my brothers
08-25-2002, 04:14 PM
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship.
On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain
passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse
stumbles and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts,
walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes and says, "That's one!"
The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree.
The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!"
He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again
lost its footing on a mossy slope.
The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man.
Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly
says, "That's three," removes a
pistol from his vest, and shoots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband,
"That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
08-25-2002, 04:15 PM
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear
a "redneck" joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should
know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is
6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three
08-25-2002, 04:18 PM
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness,
faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving
your fellow man during your life
has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the
gates without delay and are granted
free access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader,
including the Father without prior appointment."
"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the
mysteries which have puzzled and
confounded theologians through the ages.
Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations
between God and the prophets of old?
I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library
and explained how to retrieve the various documents.
The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels
came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word
on a parchment, repeating over and over -
There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"
08-25-2002, 04:20 PM
An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began
passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new
diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced...
"It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"
08-25-2002, 04:21 PM
so post back and tell me what u think
08-27-2002, 10:46 AM
JOKES JOKES JOKES POST YOURE JOKES HERE
Heh heh those were pretty funny. Unfortunately I can't think of any good jokes at the moment.
08-27-2002, 11:08 AM
Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.
"Hey johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, " those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen! "
"Yes, sir" the young man answered.
"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the D.I again
"And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?"
"Yes, sir", answered the recruit.
"So why didnt you get a haircut?"
"I was saving up for shoes, sir!"
08-27-2002, 02:33 PM
A duck goes to a store and asks "Got any grapes?" The clerk says no and the duck leaves. 2 minutes later the duck is back and asks again "Got any grapes?" Once again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. After another 2 minutes the duck asks again and the man now irritated says no again. 2 minutes later the duck comes back and asks again about the grapes and the clerk says "If you ask again I'll nail you're beak to the floor". So the duck leaves, and 2 minutes later comes back and asks
"got any nails?"
"good, got any grapes?"
Ok so that wasn't very funny but its the best I know :P
08-27-2002, 10:22 PM
08-28-2002, 08:04 AM
:lol: welcome back Nicko!!!! :P
08-28-2002, 08:26 AM
HE HE THATS FUNNY
08-29-2002, 04:58 PM
ya, it's kinda good to have a thread devoted to jokes.
08-29-2002, 09:08 PM
:lol: welcome back Nicko!!!! :P
Thank you Nturtle :anime:
ya, it's kinda good to have a thread devoted to jokes.
:nod: i think it's a neat idea :)
08-30-2002, 07:23 AM
Obi Wan Kenobi and Luke were sitting at a Japannese restraunt one day. And Luke was having trouble with the chop sticks so Obi Wan said "Use the fork Luke" :P
sorry another bad joke
08-30-2002, 08:51 AM
no that was quite funny
08-30-2002, 08:53 AM
Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex
It's legal to play hockey professionally.
The puck is always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts a full hour.
You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.
You can count on it at least twice a week.
Your parents cheer when you score.
You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
08-30-2002, 08:54 AM
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she
wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God,
please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to
church...." And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got
back up she began praying again, "Please, God don't let me be late to
church -- but don't shove me either!"
08-30-2002, 08:56 AM
A lady approaches a priest at a restaurant and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
'They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's terrible!' the priest exclaimed, 'but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to the rectory and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the
bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.'
'Oh Thank you!' the woman responded.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His
two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The
lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'
One male parrot looks over at the other male and exclaims, 'Put the beads away, Our prayers have been answered!!!'
08-30-2002, 08:57 AM
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use
more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all
along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study
results. It read "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."
The wife thought for a while, then finally said to her husband, "It's
we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"
Hi. Those were some of the better jokes I have heard. I especially liked the Parrot one, Redneck, and the hick joke.
Thanks. Here is one:
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the Assembly line for the automobile... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.
Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.
Now, I have a few jokes that are more adult, ie, cursing. Is that allowed or discouraged?
Have a good one.
08-31-2002, 02:36 AM
That joke was hillarious ryan :lol:
I have no idea if cursing is allowed...it's not prohibited in any of the 4 rules, but i think it was not allowed in tmnt discussion...this is general discussion tho..ahhh, im confused now :-? i have no idea, ask someone else :lol: :)
Eh, strong cursing is definitely not a good idea. We try and keep things PG to PG-13 around here, in case younger kids are around.
But I love that last joke.
09-01-2002, 12:40 AM
but i didnt think young people under 13 would be on a chat room well forum
09-01-2002, 10:18 AM
hey I'm 14 I'm here, come to think of it I'm probebley the youngest person here :goofygri: I've heard of 9 year olds on forums before though so don't count on it :dead: Still you could just censor the jokes a little or something :dead:
09-01-2002, 10:53 PM
I've met someone as young as 11 posting on one of the TMNT message boards (not this one, however). So yes, there are young kids who may lurk or even post on these message boards. Like Kali said, no excessive cursing. ;)
09-02-2002, 11:48 AM
well you are not the yongest one here n turtle cause im 13 14 in october
but i am still older than 13 :evilgrin: :evilgrin:
09-02-2002, 01:19 PM
i'm 14 but all those jokes are funny i almost peaed my pants on the parrot one and i like ur's too ryan that was funny
09-02-2002, 07:15 PM
thats good to know, I was feeling small :dead:
09-03-2002, 09:14 AM
soz if the parrot one was to funny :P :P :P
09-10-2002, 09:02 PM
This bar is on top of a high building and this guy has been drinking there so this new guy comes in and the drunk guy invites him for a drink so they drink and drink and talk and talk, and the drunk guy then says:
"see that window over there? it's magical because you can jump out the window and not die"
The drunk guy keeps explaining him that if you jump outta that magical window you'll fall all the way down 10 feet before you hit the ground and stop in midair then go all the way back up...The new guy thought he was drinking too much and told him, but the drunk guy...he jumped out the window and he's falling and falling...then he slows down to a stop, then goes back up through the magical window, the new guy didn't believe his eyes so the new guy tries it, then he falls and....
He dies...the drunk guy was like.."oh s#%t it didn't work" so he closes the window goes back to the bar, asks for another drink and the bartender says:
" You're a jerk when your drunk Superman!"
:goofygri: heard it in an irc chat room :P
09-10-2002, 09:56 PM
Oh that Superman... I bet he's the life of every party he attends. :D
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