Lymph Node Cancer

[XERO]

Thank you guys. I miss her so much. But she's not suffering anymore.

[Katie]

Sorry to hear that. I know she fought as hard as she could. Cancer is the biggest b!tch out there.

Thoughts and prayers for your family, Ben.

[Refractive Reflections]

My deepest condolences to you and your family.

[Katie]

Tis a fearful thing
to love what death can touch.

A fearful thing
to love, to hope, to dream, to be –

to be,
And oh, to lose.

A thing for fools, this,

And a holy thing,

a holy thing
to love.

For your life has lived in me,
your laugh once lifted me,
your word was gift to me.

To remember this brings painful joy.

‘Tis a human thing, love,
a holy thing, to love
what death has touched.


Yehuda HaLevi

[plastroncafe]

I'm so so sorry for your loss.
Eff cancer.

[XERO]

Originally Posted by Katie

Tis a fearful thing
to love what death can touch.

A fearful thing
to love, to hope, to dream, to be –

to be,
And oh, to lose.

A thing for fools, this,

And a holy thing,

a holy thing
to love.

For your life has lived in me,
your laugh once lifted me,
your word was gift to me.

To remember this brings painful joy.

‘Tis a human thing, love,
a holy thing, to love
what death has touched.


Yehuda HaLevi

This just made me tear up.

I mean, I get it. I get that death is a part of life that we all have to go through eventually. I get that death can happen at anytime to anyone. I get that, but the irrational part of my mind and the selfish part of me says that she didn't deserve to die. This a f*ckin' pain that I won't shake off for a long time.

Michael Jackson's death broke me. My close friend's suicide drained me. F*ckin' Chester from Linkin Park destroyed the emotion I had left. But THIS... the reason I became an uncle in the first place?

It marvels and boggles my mind how people who live up to their 60s, 70s, and 80s managed to get through sh*t like this. They've experienced agony, tragedy, and emotional breaking points for generations. I'm only 33-years-old, and I feel like I'm already shattered. I guess me being disabled at 24 kinda started this whole spiral, but that's just an excuse.

I need to get better at sh*t like this. I NEED to. I'm tired of being pissed off and I'm tired of not being spiritual anymore. But my anger took over my heart for so long, I don't know how to reset it. And my niece dying is not helping at all.

[Refractive Reflections]

I'm certainly not familiar with your situation, but one way you try to put the pieces together is speaking with either the elderly, or survivors of suffering, hardship, and abuse (i.e. those who experienced financial hardship, war combat, abuse, life-changing illnesses, being orphaned). Seeing how they dealt with the traumas of life.

I don't know if you have any elder family members or family friends who are elderly, that you can speak to, but they can certainly provide some insight and advice into dealing with coping with hardships of life. Our grandparents (the "Greatest Generation") dealt with the Great Depression and WWII, while our parents dealt with the culturally tumultuous 60s & 70s, as the environmental backdrop of their own personal lives. Their experiences would likely dwarf our generation's experience of hardship, and can provide a hindsight perspective on the path of their lives, and the crucial crossroads locations of their lives.

...Just be a bit wary of accepting everything at face value though, because in my experience in talking with the very elderly (80 years or older), most of them have either made peace with how things went in their life and their relationships, or there's either a inner festering discontentment that they carry with them til the end, or sometimes there's something in between.

Best wishes on finding the peace you are looking for.

[Katie]

My entire life has been guided by death. Anger is 100% natural and part of the process.

When my fiance died I found that poem and it 100% spoke to me. I was angry and scared and hurt and in shock. I mourned not only what had been but what COULD have been. He was 29. I shut down completely. I understand the not knowing how to live after something so lifechanging.

Then I saw it again when Stryker’s mother died and he and his little brother were utterly alone. The anger was real. There were alot of months... years...where uncertianty ruled them.

And then my dad died. And the anger burns again but in a different way and I think why do I have to do all this before I even really get to my full adulthood but I remember this poem and I realize that even though it feels like the universe/God/whatever you believe is against me, really the gift was having these people in the first place and the memories we have of them are our life treasure.

It is safe to close yourself up and be angry at the universe and the situation. It’s fearful to love people and know there’s a real possibility that you will feel all these things again. But the experiences and memories and love are what keeps me on the side of life instead of shutting down and lingering with death.

You and the people that knew those that died all hold memories that are pieces of that person’s life and when you come together and speak of them they are there in the fullness and richness of those memories. You know things others don’t and they know things you don’t. Their life continues with you. Pieces are lost when you close down.

As much as it sucks I wouldn’t trade my life experience for any closed off safeness. Every life touches us and everything we go through is a lesson. The person I once was is long gone, but I have evolved by carrying those experiences and lives with me.

This past April my beloved dog that my fiance got me just before he died passed away of old age and many memories went with her. She saved me in that dark time, brought Stryker and his brother around, and layed her head in my lap as my dad died. Death comes, but life persists. I have alot of life left to live and love to give and memories to keep alive.

[newfan]

I know I am not familiar with you so I will just say that I am sorry to hear of such as sad loss, death is all the more tragic when it strikes the young, I hope you have some support.

[XERO]

I'm doing what I can to stay strong and positive for my family and for myself. It's not gonna happen overnight, but I hope I can get back to what I used to be before this all happened.

[Katie]

You will.

The pain does not go away. But it becomes more tolerable. The very bad memories of the last days will fade and the very good memories will remain. I was a zombie for months. Just going through motions. Changing my routine to keep my mind off things. Staying busy by pouring myself into my work.

It doesn’t seem like it now, but it will be ok eventually.