The Technodrome Forums

Go Back   The Technodrome Forums > TMNT Fan Creations > Fan Works Discussion

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-10-2013, 03:01 PM   #121
Refractive Reflections
Mad Scientist
 
Refractive Reflections's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,305
Hey ZariusTwo,

So I just finished reading your fic story for "Mutants and Miracles" and to start off the writing was great, the characters were spot-on, and the plot especially with the Rat King and a child stopping the fight was a unique and intriguing plot twist.

But...the last two chapters kind swerved the tone of the story, what I thought was going to be a bubbly, optimistic story of friendship transformed the tone to an intense, long awaited romance. And it's just that the last two chapters brought up some red flags (if you still wanted to preserve the original OT tone), but it wasn't just the romance itself but the detailed description of a more K+ description with lines like:

Spoiler:
Chapter 10:
Irma's eyes welled up, she looked at the dog as it lovingly darted across the room, she looked back at Donatello, and, without any further hesitation, gently kissed him on the mouth.

The two were anchored to the spot, suspended in a sense of timelessness, revelling in the merry moment, the pull of the holidays and the complexity of loneliness had conspired for real magic to unfold this fateful afternoon, and neither would just forget about it when it was over. This was now and forever. In this spark of passion, a lifetime of possibility was unfolding for the pair of them."

Chapter 11: "What if it doesn't have to be a joke?" April said, wrapping her arms around Michelangelo's neck. The Turtle got hot and heavy very quickly as uncertainty coursed through him.

"You said you couldn't find someone" Michelangelo said.

----
If you used tamer words/sentences it wouldn't be too bad, for example with Michelangelo's emotions, "the Turtle immediately blushed and a rush of affection bubbled up." But something like "hot and heavy" and "spark of passion" implies a more "grownup" form of love. Do you know what I mean?


In the episode "Green With Jealousy", I know April was saying this to Rocksteady but she said "I keep telling you, you're not my type I go for human beings" and Irma shocked and disappointed at the end saying "You?!? A trio of Turtles?!? **sobbing**". In addition, I remember April saying in "Michelangelo Meets Bugman" when she self-questions herself upon seeing the bug-form of the dashing, good-looking human side of Bugman, saying "...And to believe I actually fell for that thing." I could see Irma maybe being love desperate and following down that path, but April would be far more difficult to persuade in falling for a mutant especially when there would be many human guys lining up to date her.

Usually the couples in love in the OT were more playful and hilariously cute and on the surface, these descriptions show a deeper, soul-yearning for romance with Irma and April. Again, I'm completely fine with whatever direction you take but the romantic descriptions were crossing past the line similarly with the "gross out factor" in "My Seer, My Secretary". I just didn't know if you were loosening up your rules/guidelines in following the OT tone strictly or not, but I just wanted to say that the tone made an abrupt change in those last two chapters...that's all.

Again, I'm fine with whatever route you take, it's just it was a bit surprising. I'm still looking forward to the the next wave ZariusTwo! Can't wait and all the best!

Last edited by Refractive Reflections; 03-10-2013 at 03:12 PM.
Refractive Reflections is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2013, 05:23 PM   #122
ZariusTwo
Overlord
 
ZariusTwo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Britain, DINO THUNDER...POWER UP!
Posts: 16,014
Thankyou for the reviews and kind words JLS.

I've rewritten this story more times after publication than any of my previous books, but it's all been to improve the overall product.

To be honest, I didnt think the descriptions were that strong in wording 'till you brought it up, just the way I operate I guess...I take extravagant things very casually in my writing mentality, maybe it's down to my eagerness to elevate the source material above it's station the way many fanfiction writers tend to do with the childhood shows they love. I've done the same with fics for shows like M.A.S.K. I'll probably change the age rating to reflect it's maturity.

Don't worry, I've done my homework, I've seen the episodes where April has said those things (including "Enter the Fly" where she said it wouldnt work out between her and the Turtles in "that way"), and I have a ready-made explanation for everything in chapter two of my sixth book, which will also include a reference to what was perhaps April's "darkest moment" in the old cartoon and what really prompted her to think that way. I think you will definatly appreciate where I'm going with this.

My take on things is that there's only so many times a certain someone can save a person and call her a laundry list of pet names before that person takes a strong fancy to him. Life's a funny old thing, just when you think you know in your head what you want, time and years of close friendship does a lot of things to your heart.

I am slightly loosening my guidelines for the next half...but things won't get too dark or too adult, I'm trying to make this function while still passing off as something you can be very familiar with, I've had the romances mapped out in my head for years, I'm proud to have finally put it to paper, anc I'm going to have a blast fleshing it out. I hope you will have as much fun reading it.

Last edited by ZariusTwo; 03-10-2013 at 06:20 PM.
ZariusTwo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2013, 10:16 PM   #123
Refractive Reflections
Mad Scientist
 
Refractive Reflections's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,305
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZariusTwo View Post
I am slightly loosening my guidelines for the next half...but things won't get too dark or too adult, I'm trying to make this function while still passing off as something you can be very familiar with, I've had the romances mapped out in my head for years, I'm proud to have finally put it to paper, anc I'm going to have a blast fleshing it out. I hope you will have as much fun reading it.
I'm absolutely sure I'll enjoy it!
It's just that it's a bit hilarious in hindsight when I was looking too deep into what I thought was the subtle, slightly flirtatious relationship between Lotus and Leonardo in "The Lotus and The Sun" (which there wasn't anything there). ...And then suddenly in "Mutants and Miracles" **BAM!** the last two chapters kind of disoriented me there.
And I was thinking..."Hey I thought Zarius wasn't going to have such romantic scenes"...unless that was plan all along to surprise us readers! LOL

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZariusTwo View Post
maybe it's down to my eagerness to elevate the source material above it's station the way many fanfiction writers tend to do with the childhood shows they love.
I can completely understand where you are coming from. As you probably read before, I'm trying to perform the same balance in my fanfic, of trying to captivate both sides of the reader (adult and inner-child) without abandoning either one.

For example in my sample excerpt, the detail descriptions of the environment clearly categorize my writing to a T level because of the eerie emotional description of the sewers. While it may not have been that intense in the actual OT, it still engages the reader as if they are accompanying Michelangelo and that's my goal. To fully immerse the reader in that environment as if they are with the Turtles.
BUT... at the same time I'm keeping on eye on the content, so it doesn't go too far.(...am I making sense? LOL). The only dilemma I'm facing is that if I want profound character development sometimes darker elements have to be used, and I'm trying to navigate away from making the fanfic too dark where the fanfic turns out to be too unrecognizable from the OT. (I'm constantly mentally debating with a scene: "Okay maybe too much description with that injury", "Maybe I need comic relief here", "How destructive should I make this action scene?", etc.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZariusTwo View Post
Don't worry, I've done my homework, I've seen the episodes where April has said those things (including "Enter the Fly" where she said it wouldnt work out between her and the Turtles in "that way"), and I have a ready-made explanation for everything in chapter two of my sixth book, which will also include a reference to what was perhaps April's "darkest moment" in the old cartoon and what really prompted her to think that way. I think you will definatly appreciate where I'm going with this.

My take on things is that there's only so many times a certain someone can save a person and call her a laundry list of pet names before that person takes a strong fancy to him. Life's a funny old thing, just when you think you know in your head what you want, time and years of close friendship does a lot of things to your heart.
Okay Zarius...... I know you're gonna hate me for throwing in a "monkey wrench" in your fanfic stories but ***hunkers down for the reaction***
...you may want to deal with the "age issue" too because I know a lot of benign harmless parodies make fun of April O' Neil, being a woman in her late 20s hanging out with Teenage Turtles, is a source of jokes. If the Turtles were in their early 20s, okay then... but aren't they supposed to be ranging from 15-17...right?

It's just that with a reader if you introduce more grown themes, sometimes the reader will start bringing their own grown beliefs into your fanfiction story as well...and it can be really tricky because a reader might try to reason, "Whoa, okay here the author introduced this heavy romance scene (which is a bit grown) but yet the character isn't aware of this?!?"
Or one better example to help in what I'm trying to convey in being careful on how far you "open the door on grown themes" and readers taking their "own grown beliefs with them through that door", would be in your first story "So Long, No Thanks For All The Fish" when you opened the door on adult humor in the first scene about size and some (i.e. Coola Yagami) were turned-off by it but some (i.e. me) weren't.
I hope I'm making sense...
(Sorry if I created any plot holes..)


But anyways, like I said, I'm sure I'm going to enjoy it! And it's never my intention to sway an author's original vision or plot plans for their stories, it's just that I have to recalibrate my reviews for your new expectations/guidelines that's all. Keep doing that awesome writing Zarius!

And again, I can't emphasize enough that the plots and the twists are captivating reading and the characters are spot-on in terms of speech and behavior!

Last edited by Refractive Reflections; 03-10-2013 at 10:48 PM.
Refractive Reflections is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2013, 05:22 AM   #124
ZariusTwo
Overlord
 
ZariusTwo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Britain, DINO THUNDER...POWER UP!
Posts: 16,014
Quote:
Originally Posted by JLS View Post
...you may want to deal with the "age issue" too because I know a lot of benign harmless parodies make fun of April O' Neil, being a woman in her late 20s hanging out with Teenage Turtles, is a source of jokes. If the Turtles were in their early 20s, okay then... but aren't they supposed to be ranging from 15-17...right?!
The question was answered very slightly when I referenced seven years had gone by since the Red Sky era (Rat King's prison sentence), so I think the Turtles are in their early twenties by now or at least the legal age to be having these kinds of relationships.

I am curious what age you think the Turtles were at the end of the last couple of seasons though.
ZariusTwo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2013, 01:16 PM   #125
Refractive Reflections
Mad Scientist
 
Refractive Reflections's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,305
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZariusTwo View Post
The question was answered very slightly when I referenced seven years had gone by since the Red Sky era (Rat King's prison sentence), so I think the Turtles are in their early twenties by now or at least the legal age to be having these kinds of relationships.
Sorry, okay, LOL... Duh on me! **Facepalm**
I think in a review I tried to "do the math" with the Rat King telling about his 7 year stint in jail, but I forgot to bring that up when I read the last two chapters.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZariusTwo View Post
I am curious what age you think the Turtles were at the end of the last couple of seasons though.
LOL, honestly with the OT I'm really open for anything (from barely aging at all to each season being one year). I remember pannoni1 remarkably trying to piece all the tiny references together to create a time span for the OT: http://forums.thetechnodrome.com/sho...9&postcount=37 As impressive as the analysis is, saying it was within a 1989-1994 time span, I don't think the writers of the OT consciously considered a time frame and there was too much conflict between the references to particular years, technology, pop culture and the viewers' experience in the passing seasons/years to have any solid, concrete understanding of just how much time exactly passed in the 10 seasons.

This time frame dilemma/debate fits the saying here (within the forums) regarding the OT; sometimes logic "goes out the window" when you try to make sense of certain events. (Another prominent example is when Splinter's mothballs saved the balloon-inflated Turtles in "Michelangelo's Birthday", LOL.)

In hindsight upon my reading of "Mutants and Miracles", I think, besides the romantic descriptions what partially contributed to the surprise was that I was thinking these Turtles may have been near 18-19, but there's still a significant maturity difference between them and Irma and April, at least in terms of age. (LOL, see this is the "grown beliefs" notion I was talking about in "opening the door" of romantic relationships, but I'm in no way intending to be critical or anything. )
With the OT time frame never truly resolved, the cartoon's series still depicting the Turtles as "teenagers" in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (and with the phrase "Fred Wold Cartoon lives on"), and the Turtles ages not explicitly stated in the beginning of the stories (i.e. a Turtle commenting on their age or celebrating Michelangelo's 22nd birthday; the first arcade game lists Leonardo as 16 and the others being 15, so I'm adding 7 years), but rather at the fifth book, the romantic scenes kind of shook up the foundation when I should have thought back about the 7 year stint with the Rat King.
Again, I'm just so interested and invested in your stories so that's why I'm explaining my small opinions and reasoning.

Last edited by Refractive Reflections; 03-11-2013 at 02:37 PM.
Refractive Reflections is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2013, 07:28 AM   #126
ZariusTwo
Overlord
 
ZariusTwo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Britain, DINO THUNDER...POWER UP!
Posts: 16,014
Quote:
Originally Posted by JLS View Post
Again, I'm just so interested and invested in your stories so that's why I'm explaining my small opinions and reasoning.
It's made for great reading mate, don't stop over-annalyzing, as it helps put things in perspective. You're very detailed and meticulous about the ins and outs of such a zany show and it can only help the pair of us in our fics
ZariusTwo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2013, 03:02 AM   #127
Refractive Reflections
Mad Scientist
 
Refractive Reflections's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,305
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZariusTwo View Post
It's made for great reading mate, don't stop over-annalyzing, as it helps put things in perspective. You're very detailed and meticulous about the ins and outs of such a zany show and it can only help the pair of us in our fics
I guess with me knowing "ins and outs" of the OT (though I don't claim to know all of them or anything like that) is because I'm usually interested in analyzing legendary movies, TV shows, and in this case...cartoons. The pieces of entertainment that seem to resonate with people in a large scale. Without a doubt, the OT exceeded far beyond the expectations that anyone could have conceived of, in terms of it becoming a pop cultural phenomena. That's why I have enormous respect for the OT's success compared to the 2K3 or 2012 versions, because the OT had so much "to prove" to a mainstream audience and couldn't depend on the past TMNT successes (except for the underground Mirage comics).

And as much as some may want to dismiss the OT for being too childish and slapstick, if it wasn't for the OT's massive success, all of the movies, merchandising, 2K3 and 2012 versions would be non-existent. In fact who knows if we would even be TMNT fans today (and the only thing that was part of TMNT were the underground Mirage comics)? Much less this forum even...existing? I know some of our peers (Generation Y) may in hindsight loathe the OT shows that they once used to adore as children, but the thing is the OT still managed to captivate them in the first place and started their interest in TMNT in the first place. Who knows if those same people would have developed an interest in Mirage TMNT if the OT failed miserably? Much less Mirage TMNT even being on their "radar of awareness" if the OT failed?

Nevertheless, the OT had a distinct magnetic charm to it that initiated Turtlemania and made it last for an unprecedented ten season run. So my interest is, and as I'm exploring my fanfic, is figuring out that specific charm that gravitated the imaginations and hearts of children toward it...and not many cartoons can claim that in such an enormous way like the OT did.

Last edited by Refractive Reflections; 03-13-2013 at 03:27 AM.
Refractive Reflections is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2013, 11:32 AM   #128
ZariusTwo
Overlord
 
ZariusTwo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Britain, DINO THUNDER...POWER UP!
Posts: 16,014
Synopsises for Wave Two as promised

"The Flies That Came To Dinner"

Synopsis: Grilled by a feverish scientific commite, Irma and Donatello have to keep a cool head as they recollect the chilling evening spent in the company of Professor Kim Sagin and some very uncommon house filies...

"The Dreggs of Society"

Synopsis: Three key charity players are working on commiting a major swindle. As the Turtles investigate, they come across the Intergalactic peacekepper Kershaw, who has arrived with an urgent warning...Lord Dregg's final revenge is about to be put into effect...

"A Radical Portrait of Dimension X"

Synopsis: The phrase "everyone's a critic" applies perfectly to everyone against the notion of fun in Dimension X, but what happens when even the Neutrionoes get a little critical? A challenge by their mentors forces the Turtles anarchist allies to scour the dimension looking to capture it's positive sides and convey it in illustration. When the Turtles embark on their own personal trip, they bump into them and together go on a whirlwind tour...in any normal situation, it's a thrill ride, in Michelangelo's case, it's every guy's worst nightmare...

"Tattoed Teenage Tournament Fighters"

Synopsis: When Master Splinter and several key ninja masters are abducted by creatures that seem to match the description of the Turtles, the fearsome foursome must travel to the farcest recesses of the galaxy to clear their names. Lying slightly about their age, and joined by a fighting fit April, they oppose their imposters and many other assortment of aliens in a grand cosmic tournament with a life-altering prize on the line, one that even Shredder has gotten into fighting shape to attain...but what are the secrets of the tournament? And just what does the master of the faux Turtles want with Splinter?

"How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The 'Drome"

Synopsis: The Turtles greatest fear has come to pass...the Technodrome is up and running, Shredder and Krang once more have a hold on the Earth...and for some reason the populace couldnt be happier about it. The Turtles, April, and their friends try to work out why such a great danger is putting so many smiles on people's faces.

Last edited by ZariusTwo; 03-17-2013 at 06:48 PM.
ZariusTwo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2013, 04:52 PM   #129
Refractive Reflections
Mad Scientist
 
Refractive Reflections's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,305
Great teaser summaries ZariusTwo!

Now the biggest thing is keeping my patience...LOL
...But take your time ZariusTwo, you can't rush good writing!

For the 6th story, I'm assuming Baxter The Fly will be involved and with the 7th, Lord Dregg. (It will be interesting to hear Dregg's backstory with him and Mung's falling out.)

8th Story: It's good to see the Neutrinos again. As for the last sentence with Michelangelo, LOL. I can imagine it will be an interesting love triangle between him, April and Kala

9th Story: Tournament Fighters? As in elements from the 1993 video game? Hmmm... I wonder if these imposters could be "Dark" versions of themselves just like in the Sega Genesis version of Tournament Fighters. That would be a great plot setup to for the Turtles to fight darker versions of the themselves.

10th Story: The ultimate last story! Well....with everybody happy, I think I know what it could be but I don't want to spoil it too much. But it could have to do with the final sentences Shredder and Krang said in "Turtles Forever"... I'm just sayin'....

Best wishes in all of your writing!
Refractive Reflections is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2013, 05:22 PM   #130
BubblyShell22
Leo-holic
 
BubblyShell22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 16,913
Wow. I can't wait for these stories. They sound awesome, Zarius. But I'll wait patiently for them. Goodness knows I've been keeping you guys waiting for one of mine.
__________________
"A warrior who never fails, never learns."-The Ancient One.

"Embrace your inner a**holiness."-Mr. Anderson.
BubblyShell22 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2013, 06:35 PM   #131
ZariusTwo
Overlord
 
ZariusTwo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Britain, DINO THUNDER...POWER UP!
Posts: 16,014
Hopefully both our fics come out around the same time. hell I'd love for my sixth book's yet-to-be-determined deadline to coincide with the release of JLS' story.

Keep guessing JLS, you might just be onto a few things...

Yes, the ninth story is my own take on the Tournament Fighters game. I actually once thought about novelizing the Turtles In Time game back in 2009 before Turtles Forever came out and gave me a whole other field of ideas
ZariusTwo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2013, 02:33 PM   #132
ZariusTwo
Overlord
 
ZariusTwo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Britain, DINO THUNDER...POWER UP!
Posts: 16,014
Added a new promotional image to the front and to my sig to reflect how the fics will look going forward into the second wave.

I'm in the midst of writing book six in between work on the fanfilm script. It'll still be a while before I get it up, but rest assured it will contain a lot of winks to the past and explain away things from events that baffled me in the red sky era in regards to characterisation

For now, here's a short sample from the second chapter

Spoiler:
The alarm clock buzzed loudly, awakening April O'Neil from her slumber.

She pulled her hands out of the bed sheets, her eyes half closed, and blindly scouted for the clock.

When she finally got a hold of it, she raised high above her head and dropped it to the ground with an almighty thud.

She rose out of the bed and rubbed her eyes gently, taking in the rancid smell of body odour and rank sewage.

She opened her eyes to find herself graced with a heap of unsorted, empty beds and half-eaten bowls of cereal.

Nearby, the loud hum of music and loud howls of laughter from a canned TV audience emitting from the television signalled all she needed to know.

There was doubt about it.

The Turtles were up.

And the unenviable responsibility of clearing up the cesspool that was their sleeping quarters had fallen to her.

She could march down the corridor, enter the living area, switch off the television, and berate the guys for not clearing up after themselves, but she figured, in her head, that getting the beds cleaned and the mess cleared was just as active an exercise for her as an active morning period of training was for them.

And after all the training she had done at the crack of dawn yesterday, she found it a much more manageable way to while away the minutes.

A moment to fold up and redress the sheets, followed by a dash of sweeping with a nearby broom, and the sleeping quarters looked good as new.

Examining herself and despairing slightly at another sight, April slipped a pair of pink fuzzy slippers and picked up a bowl of cereal, and, after emptying its contents in the bin, she headed to the kitchen to pour herself a fresh packet.

She did so, refusing to take milk as she didn't trust the Turtles to have picked up a fresh container, and munched down as she walked into the living area, where a source of great joy to her was lazily sprawled on the sofa, his right hand dangling off of it, his left hand holding the remote control, his head staring up at the lights. He began adjusting the volume on the television, not happy with the pitch.

April beamed affectionately as her best friend of seventeen years and boyfriend of six months, Michelangelo, continued to be predictably and unapologetically indecisive.

"Morning" she said as she approached him, bending over to kiss him on the top of his head. Michelangelo gently dropped the remote and stroked April's hair gently, "How'd I do last night dudedette?" he asked.

"Well the good news is you didn't snore , first time in three months where that didn't occur" she said, "So top marks for that...BUT"

"But what?" Michelangelo said.

April reached down to something that was sticking to her yellow Night shirt, a number 6 plastered over the front, and peeled off a greasy mound of cheese and chilli Pizza from it, dropping it into Michelangelo's lap.

"You didn't go to bed on an empty stomach" she said.

"It all relates to a dream I had, trust me" Michelangelo said.

"Really now?" April said, her arms folded.

"Absolutely, I dreamt I was looking through the fridge, and only found one slice of the cheese and chilli special left, I realized I needed to give it shelter from the long cold nights it was enduring, so I brought it to the warmest recesses I could hope to venture to, and it enjoyed it's last few moments of existence in my capable hands"

"Sounds so literal, a real dream come true" April replied sarcastically.

"Well you should know all about that babe, you've been a reality for this long" Michelangelo said, raising his head up from the edge of the sofa and kissing his girl tenderly on the lips

Last edited by ZariusTwo; 03-23-2013 at 07:34 AM.
ZariusTwo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2013, 04:40 PM   #133
BubblyShell22
Leo-holic
 
BubblyShell22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 16,913
Wow. An awesome sample for sure. I can't wait to see how this plays out. Nicely done on this.
__________________
"A warrior who never fails, never learns."-The Ancient One.

"Embrace your inner a**holiness."-Mr. Anderson.
BubblyShell22 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2013, 05:02 PM   #134
Blossombrooks
Stone Warrior
 
Blossombrooks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: 'hero' turtle land
Posts: 946
Cool sample Zarius! I'm now getting a very amusing mental image of April and Mikey which I think will translate nicely into some fan art...
__________________
There's too much green to feel blue!
http://blossombrooks.deviantart.com/
Blossombrooks is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2013, 05:09 PM   #135
ZariusTwo
Overlord
 
ZariusTwo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Britain, DINO THUNDER...POWER UP!
Posts: 16,014
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blossombrooks View Post
Cool sample Zarius! I'm now getting a very amusing mental image of April and Mikey which I think will translate nicely into some fan art...
Thanks Blossom, glad to get you thinking in regards to ideas.

You'll have noticed I changed my mind about how much time had passed since "Mutants and Miracles". Common sense prevailed and it's now six months instead of six years. I figured I was getting ahead of myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BubblyShell22 View Post
Wow. An awesome sample for sure. I can't wait to see how this plays out. Nicely done on this.
Thanks Bubbly. I don't normally post samples of my fics but I was getting such a kick out of writing stuff I've waited five years to put down on paper that I thought I'd share some of that fun.

Last edited by ZariusTwo; 03-21-2013 at 05:31 PM.
ZariusTwo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2013, 11:36 PM   #136
Refractive Reflections
Mad Scientist
 
Refractive Reflections's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,305
Awesome stuff ZariusTwo!

Hey ZariusTwo,

Checked out the sample and it has significantly more depth. When I mean depth, I mean it has richer description in describing the characters thoughts, emotions, environment, and mental processing of things (with April waking up). For me personally (and as I've bugged you've before with my writing sample and numerous responses), I like that a lot because you "paint" the experience of the character with the descriptions, and it makes the reader relate easier to that character and thus the reader is able to see his/her viewpoint of things. When you make the reader able to relate more and more to the character, then of course that's when the reader develops an attachment to your characters.

...And that's probably one significant advantage stories has over comics. Even though it's a struggle for a writer to provide physical descriptions of the environment as vividly as a comic could (especially the action scenes), a story can substantially go in depth about the mental and emotional state of a character that comics can only allude to because of the restrictive "speech balloon".

The only weakness I would mention is the paragraph structure, from the "the alarm clock buzzed loudly" to "sleeping quarters had fallen to her" can be all one paragraph because its describing the journey of April's realization of her surroundings.

I'm very impressed ZariusTwo by how much you advanced your writing. It advanced the depth of the material, but at the same time you were able to keep out more grownup/adult material (i.e. alcohol/drugs, sexual content, hyper-violence), which is FAR too easy for some writers to slip into. I know that you would never include those things, but for some bizarre reason some others think that's the ONLY way to make things deep is to add those adult topics. (Ugh....) In some cases it can be true, but there has to be a much bigger, and meaningful objective rather than just simply trying to shock the reader which inevitably gives a false appearance of being more grownup/mature (i.e. constant profanity).

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZariusTwo View Post
Thanks Bubbly. I don't normally post samples of my fics but I was getting such a kick out of writing stuff I've waited five years to put down on paper that I thought I'd share some of that fun.
Your enthusiasm does show in the writing ZariusTwo!


Okay...silly question time now, LOL.

In the story it says April knew "the Turtles were up", yet only Michelangelo was described there in the morning. So was it a one-Turtle party? Or did he invite his bros for an even wilder one? Michelangelo and or the Turtles, would SO not be able to get away with that mess back at the lair with Splinter around. LOL
...I guess I'll have to see when the story is posted.

Last edited by Refractive Reflections; 03-21-2013 at 11:54 PM.
Refractive Reflections is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-22-2013, 06:32 AM   #137
ZariusTwo
Overlord
 
ZariusTwo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Britain, DINO THUNDER...POWER UP!
Posts: 16,014
Quote:
Originally Posted by JLS View Post
In the story it says April knew "the Turtles were up", yet only Michelangelo was described there in the morning.
The sight of the empty beds are what conveys the message the Turtles are all up, but yeah, they're pretty much scattered in this chapter. Leonardo appears near the end of it and we find out where Don and Raph have gotten to.

Oh, and I slightly modified "Mutants and Miracles" a bit...I thought back to the line "that thing likes her" and came to the conclusion it was quite an insensetive thing for April to say about her impending boyfriend, Mike wouldnt be a "thing" to her, he'd be a person, so it's been changed to "he likes her"

Last edited by ZariusTwo; 03-22-2013 at 07:46 AM.
ZariusTwo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-22-2013, 08:18 AM   #138
Refractive Reflections
Mad Scientist
 
Refractive Reflections's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,305
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZariusTwo View Post
The sight of the empty beds are what conveys the message the Turtles are all up, but yeah, they're pretty much scattered in this chapter. Leonardo appears near the end of it and we find out where Don and Raph have gotten to.
Ohhh..okay, LOL. This is at the lair and not her apartment. Have no idea why I was thinking it was her apartment. Weird. Maybe I read the excerpt too fast.
Anyways, when I read this line, "She could march down the corridor, enter the living area, switch off the television, and berate the guys for not clearing up after themselves, but she figured, in her head, that getting the beds cleaned and the mess cleared was just as active an exercise for her as an active morning period of training was for them."

I was thinking "April...you've come a looonnng way from your 'A Thing With Rats' days over berating the Turtles then." LOL But if this is at the lair, I don't know if Splinter would have much of a tolerance for the Turtles' "rancid smell of body odour" and "rank sewage" (eh, I guess they're at the sewers right? lol) with the episode "Turtles, Turtles, Everywhere". LOL Plus, I don't know why but I keep remembering the line Hun says in "Turtles Forever": "I've turned into rotten mutant filth!" OT Raphael: "Not true, we shower regularly." LOL, just me I guess.
Refractive Reflections is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-22-2013, 08:38 AM   #139
ZariusTwo
Overlord
 
ZariusTwo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Britain, DINO THUNDER...POWER UP!
Posts: 16,014
Splinter normally would be getting on their case, but he's a bit distracted in the chapter (one of those great saturday morning "disturbences in the force" kind of meditations)

Good call on the showering, I added a bit in about that...and just wait 'til you read Mikey's alternate solution to handling laundry.
ZariusTwo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-22-2013, 08:44 AM   #140
Refractive Reflections
Mad Scientist
 
Refractive Reflections's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,305
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZariusTwo View Post
Good call on the showering, I added a bit in about that...and just wait 'til you read Mikey's alternate solution to handling laundry.
Laundry, huh? Didn't Raphael say back in "Mr. Nice Guy", "How is that Turtles who wear no clothes can create so much dirty laundry?" ROFL Looking forward to that Mikey scene...
Refractive Reflections is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:18 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.