If you're a woman, how old is too old to have kids?

[Andrew NDB]

For a woman, at exactly what age does the risk to the baby and the mother become too high to consider getting pregnant? Assuming there is no other health issues going on.

Asking for a friend.

[Leo656]

I've read/heard that somewhere after the late-30s, the likelihood of the kid being born autistic or with some other issues start to skyrocket, with mid/late-40s being almost a guarantee, but I'm sure that's being disputed by some people who'd prefer not to believe it. The math seems to line up, but I'm not a doctor.

But putting that specifically aside, I've still heard that it's generally too risky after 40.

[Prowler]

My mum had me when she was 39 years old already, which was actually a bit late. And she had my brother when she was 32 years old. Nowadays that's probably a rather standard age for a woman to have their first kids in developed nations.

I'm not a woman, so I can't say I know best, but I don't think it's a good idea to have your first child before you're 25 these days. That's a bit early, imo. In fact, having kids in your 20s is quite early nowadays. Not that I have talked to many girls about this subject but the few I've heard talk about this told me they don't really plan on becoming mothers until they're like 30. Granted they were university students and girls who planned to get a master or a post-grad after being done with their bachelors, but most of the girls I know who had kids when they were teenagers or under 25 were of poorer and less educated backgrounds.

[Leo656]

Well, nobody under 25-30 has the intelligence, resources, or life experience to have a kid, anyway. I know a ton of people do, but... they shouldn't. It's more and more a question of, "Exactly how many lives do I wanna ruin with this incredibly short-sighted decision?" the younger you are.

People having kids in their 30s? Probably only going to ruin their own lives, and they've probably already made peace with that. In their 20s, it's their lives AND the kids' lives that are gonna be screwed up. Teens? Your lives, your kids' lives, the lives of your parents who now have to raise your kid for you because you're too young to have any sense of responsibility... all wrecked.

30-40 seems to be the safe window. After 40 you can't even guarantee that you'll have a few decent "Friend Years" with your kid once they're out of college, since lots of people still just up and drop dead in their early 60s. Seems irresponsible (and self-defeating) to birth a child you may only get to put through school and that's it.

[Prowler]

Originally Posted by Leo656

Well, nobody under 25-30 has the intelligence, resources, or life experience to have a kid, anyway. I know a ton of people do, but... they shouldn't. It's more and more a question of, "Exactly how many lives do I wanna ruin with this incredibly short-sighted decision?" the younger you are.

People having kids in their 30s? Probably only going to ruin their own lives, and they've probably already made peace with that. In their 20s, it's their lives AND the kids' lives that are gonna be screwed up. Teens? Your lives, your kids' lives, the lives of your parents who now have to raise your kid for you because you're too young to have any sense of responsibility... all wrecked.

30-40 seems to be the safe window. After 40 you can't even guarantee that you'll have a few decent "Friend Years" with your kid once they're out of college, since lots of people still just up and drop dead in their early 60s. Seems irresponsible (and self-defeating) to birth a child you may only get to put through school and that's it.

Yeah nowadays, considering the economic situation of the world and how no one knows if yet another big crisis/recession won't just blow up tomorrow anymore, people have become more cautious. Plus, it takes longer for people to finish their studies nowadays and to get stable jobs and careers. So no wonder people are marrying and having kids later.

I do wish people stopped talking about having kids as if it's something everyone ends up having eventually. "oh wait until you have kids!"... and when you say you don't want them they either don't take you seriously because "oh when I was your age I used to say that too!" or they think you're some sort of weirdo for not wanting to produce offspring. My brother is turning 36 this year and he's not married nor does he have kids, nor is he interested in either. A few older people have asked me before if he is either, and when I say "no" they find it a bit odd. Because, apparently, that's something society just wants you to do when you're in your 30s: getting married and having kids.

[Leo656]

Having kids is not too much different than smoking, in my mind. Everyone I know personally who's dabbled in either would give anything to take it back, but it's way too late.

Never saw the point in kids. You spend all your money on them, so they can tell you they hate you whenever you try and mold them into a decent human being, then spend the few decades after they're grown only seeing you on holidays. The whole thing seems like an exercise in frustration.

I've had more than a few people in their 50s/60s admit to me and my wife that part of the strong push the older generation has on the younger generation to have kids, is because "We want you to know exactly how difficult it is, and how miserable you all made us. It's only fair." No kidding! Like "Man, way to sweeten the pot, that sounds great!"

Even when I was a kid, I hated kids and would do anything to avoid them. Not my scene, man.

[Prowler]

Originally Posted by Leo656

Having kids is not too much different than smoking, in my mind. Everyone I know personally who's dabbled in either would give anything to take it back, but it's way too late.

Never saw the point in kids. You spend all your money on them, so they can tell you they hate you whenever you try and mold them into a decent human being, then spend the few decades after they're grown only seeing you on holidays. The whole thing seems like an exercise in frustration.

I've had more than a few people in their 50s/60s admit to me and my wife that part of the strong push the older generation has on the younger generation to have kids, is because "We want you to know exactly how difficult it is, and how miserable you all made us. It's only fair." No kidding! Like "Man, way to sweeten the pot, that sounds great!"

Even when I was a kid, I hated kids and would do anything to avoid them. Not my scene, man.

Well I dunno. I think most people love their kids, even if they can give them a lot of headaches and white hairs. Especially when they're teenagers. I think having kids would be a much smoother experience if they could skip their teenage years entirely.

Also, part of the desire of people to have kids is their biological clock and instincts telling them to do so, since well, if most people didn't have kids the human species would die off. That's probably why sex feels so great as well. if sex didn't feel so great most people wouldn't bother with it and thus many less kids would be born.

And yes, I feel you. When I was a kid I hated other kids as well.

[Leo656]

Originally Posted by Prowler

Well I dunno. I think most people love their kids

Proof, and show your work.

In my experience, everything that Capt. Hook tells Peter's kids in the movie "Hook" is 100% accurate.

I mean, maybe SOME people, but "most"? That has not been my experience.

[Prowler]

Originally Posted by Leo656

Proof, and show your work.

In my experience, everything that Capt. Hook tells Peter's kids in the movie "Hook" is 100% accurate.

I mean, maybe SOME people, but "most"? That has not been my experience.

Well, it's not like I go around asking or know what happens behind closed doors

Although a couple of guys I had this discussion with once point blank told me "I need to have kids one day. Someone's gotta inherit my stuff", so who knows

[Roseangelo]

Originally Posted by Andrew NDB

https://cdn1.thr.com/sites/default/f...te_nielsen.jpg

For a woman, at exactly what age does the risk to the baby and the mother become too high to consider getting pregnant? Assuming there is no other health issues going on.

Asking for a friend.

I mean, this is seriously a question for a doctor. There is no black and white answer that applies to everyone.

Assuming all is healthy, the correct answer is when a woman is no longer willing to take on the responsibilities of raising a child for a minimum of 18 years.

[Toitlefan]

I think it’s all on an individual basis. I believe there are tests that are done while an older woman is pregnant to make sure things are developing normally nowadays anyway.

Most people I know with kids have told me almost exactly the same thing. Yes, kids are a pain in the ass. Yes, they are A LOT of work. But they always say it’s worth it. To see someone you’ve created making accomplishments and reacting to the world after what you’ve taught them does seem rewarding.
There’s also the point of making a family. Sure, families can be difficult on many levels but a lot of times families are the only people that can be counted on. Who honestly wants to grow old, lonely and surrounded by strangers that may not be trustworthy? I know family members can be unreliable as well but at least there’s a chance.

[Leo656]

Unless you get all that money you spent raising 'em back, plus interest, I think most people have a much different version of "worth it" than I do.

I already have a niece who used to be a great kid, who turned out disrespectful and nasty, got into drugs, had a "boyfriend" who she willingly let cheat on her with other girls because "That's just the way relationships work nowadays", and started cutting herself. All the way, over a period of several years, any advice or guidance I offered was rejected for not being what she wanted to hear (although it was what she needed to hear, considering her parents couldn't be bothered to even try and keep her straight). Once she started getting nasty with my wife, that was the end and now we just don't talk.

As my niece, it's "just" supremely disappointing. If she was my KID and said/did any of that stuff... forget about it. I do empathize, because her parents (and her Dad dying of an overdose) are mostly why she turned out the way she is, but the truth is, we had almost the exact same upbringing (to the point where we both lost a parent to drugs, at the exact same age), BUT I got through it without completely losing my way. Thus, I did my absolute best to keep her head on straight while her parents were too busy digging a deeper hole. Didn't work. She decided at 14 that she was a "grown up" and started telling me and everyone else that we couldn't tell her anything. When I found out she was cutting herself, I told her Mom/my sister and they both flipped out on ME and told me to stay the f*ck out of everything, and that's about where we left it. My niece called me a couple times after that, when her Mom was being a bitch to her and she needed someone to vent to, but not long after that she cursed out my wife and called her a "retard", and that was the last time we had any contact at all.

I truly wish the best for her, but I can't be involved anymore. They don't want me there, and I refuse to just sit there and watch someone willingly self-destruct because "You can't tell me what to do" when it's easily preventable. She turned into her Mom/my sister, who ALSO turned into our Mom, who terrorized us. The cycle is disgusting, and I refuse to perpetuate it, or even be involved in it if I'm expected to just sit there helplessly while people kill themselves.

People say, "Well, that's all part of it," and you know what? No. I already went through a phase where I did the best I could for someone, every day, for no reason other than I loved them, only to (sometimes literally) have it thrown in my face while they lied to me, stole from me, and said they hated me; it was called "Birth" through "...And then my Dad died", and almost all of it sucked.

I've raised a cat since her moment of birth, for 19 years. To this day, if she smells me at all, she'll jerk herself out of a sound sleep just so she can get some petting, even if I'm all the way across the room. And when I tickle her, she latches onto my hand with her little claws and gives me a hundred kisses until she gets bored of it. I never have to worry about her getting into trouble, hanging with the wrong crowd, or telling me she hates me. I'm her entire world, and I know that, because she tells me constantly.

Every second of that, has been worth it. People should just get cats.

[newfan]

I don't think I'd look for Pregnancy advice on the technodrome but here we are.

It's a personal thing, not everyone has the same circumstances, obviously your friend is going to be aware of the risks and considerations for starting later. Are you talking like late 30s to early 40's, which while we know carries risks, is still something we see or do you mean older than that? which isn't heard of so much.

I mean among those almost 40 to early 40s who are still fertile and in good health/good support etc there are those who feel it's still personally too old for them (considering the long term for example as well as the risks during pregnancy) and those, especially if they never had the chance to have a child before weight it all up and decide to do that. Of the people I know who were around 40+ they had planned sections for birth and were monitored more closely throughout.

Beyond gaining medical advice your friend is the one who knows her situation and can weigh up if it is right for her or not.

[Andrew NDB]

OK, so the reason I ask is because since before I married my wife, there was an understanding we would have a couple of kids. At least one. A couple weeks ago she went to her OBGYN and came back with, "It's way too dangerous to have kids at 36! Possibly life-threatening!" and this seemed... very crazy to me.

[IndigoErth]

Did they give any specifics as to why it might be "life threatening"? (Not asking for info.) I mean I know there are health risks that are increased vs being in your 20s, but I don't think in most cases the percentage change is still all that large unless an increased risk is specific to a particular woman?

I mean more often than not we hear of women of this age group having a healthy pregnancy and child so long as they get all the care needed to ensure things are going well...