Spawn Guy: The RPG of the century

[Spawn Guy]

You are Spawn Guy, all mighty embodiment of awsome.



You are at the local comic book store. You're items are: A bottle of finest Canadian beer, some cheese and a stick with a peice of gum on the end. You're feeling in a so so mood today, so you may do anything. You decide to:

(A) Approach Andy, the badass comic book store guy with a heart of gold.
(B) Ignore this sad sack in the Green Lantern shirt (Kyle Rayner owns bitch!) and browse the racks.

[Katie]

Canadian beer? Well ok...I guess...

go up to him. why the heck not

[Spawn Guy]

Uh oh! Apparently Andy hasn't been taking his happy pills, because the second you enter his personal space he undergoes a horrifying transformation. This metamorphosis is a secret shared in awed whispers across comic book racks and internet sites alike: The Angry Fanboy. You'd be honoured to see it up close if the only thing Andy wanted to rip to shreds more than the Hulk movie is you.


Do you:

(A) Fight.
(B) Talk about the new Transformers movie.
(C) Urinate in sheer terror.

[Duke]

Since I've recently been hitting the gym, I don't pee myself, and he's a comic book nerd who probably hates the idea of Michael Bay doing the Transformer movie, I'll go with

(A) Fight

[Spawn Guy]

Fortunatley you were prepared for this. With fingers as nimble as a genetically altered acrobat you grab your beer botttle, give it a shake, then squirt a thin jet of the contents all over Andy. Because as we all know Canadian beer is the unholy equivelent of holy water. Screaming like Paris Hilton waking up sober, Andy sucumbs to the acidic properties of the god awful beverage, shriviling away and leaving only a faint scent of brimstone and Mountain Dew.

Well that was eventful. Thank God you didn't need to use the cheese.
The rest of your day stretching out in front of you, you decide to do what you actually came here for and examine the racks.

Blah blah blah, X Men, blah blah blah, Daredevil, blah blah blah, oh the JLA's back, blah blah...

Aha! This looks promosing...



Wait a second...can it be?!



It is! It really is! X Ray specs! Oh Calloo Callay, some weird Lewis Carroll sh*t! But wait...can it really be that simple?

Do you:

(A) Order now.
(B) Try and find out if there's a catch.
(C) Wonder what Batman would do.

[Sewer Bull]

Batman shall lead my path. I choose C.

[Spawn Guy]

Drawing on your unlimited knowledge of comic book characters, you come to the conclusion that Batman wouldn't wait for no stinking X ray specs! He'd make his own! And if it's good enough for Batman, by God it's good enough for you!



Unfortunatley you don't have a billion dollars.

However the answer is so simple a retarded five year old could come up with it. You have to:

(A)Rob a bank
(B)Steal some radioactive waist.

[Swany]

Dude, (B) radioactive waste.

[Spawn Guy]

Thinking about it a little, robbing a bank sounds like work. Knowing that Batman would use his incredible detective skills to track down that pesky waste and probably solve the whole Grassy Knoll thing you resolve yourself to doing the same thing. However that also sounds like work. Know what was designed so you wouldn't have to work?

You got the internet!



Cracking your knuckles, you get down to the nitty gritty...after reseting each and every bone in both your hands. Gotta be some radioactive stuff laying around...your living in the west for God's sake!

Aha! Apparently there's a Nuclear plant near by. Just outside your house as a matter of fact.

That explains a lot. The chaep price for one thing. The super powered zombies trying to break your door down for another.



Okay.

Do you:

(A) Search for a way to rid yourself of zombies on the internet.
(B) Make peace with God.
(C) Scream.

[MadPirateBunny]

The internet hasn't steered me wrong yet!

Eagerly I choose A!

[Spawn Guy]

Fingers moving like a hyperactive limbo dancer with his feet on fire, you rush through zombie website after zombie website. You don't have time for this raise an army from the dead and conquer small villages crap, zombie Captain America's head is surprisingly strong, and zombie Thor and zombie Iron Man have managed to put enough limbs together to form a crude zombie battering ram out of it. They've just managed to bust the door open (weird, since it wasn't locked) when your rapid searching overloads your computer, sending out a burst of lightning that smites the horrendous smelling heroes like the blow of God on his own red headed step children.



Once again the internet conquers all. And so with that done you

(A) Wait for the computer to reboot to get the internet back.
(B) Start planning your crime.
(C) Go get a beer.

[Duke]

The internet was helped my twice it's time to make it thrice.

(A) Wait for the computer to reboot to get the internet back.

[Spawn Guy]

Now where were you before you were so rudely interrupted by a legion of the undead? Searching the intramanet, that was it! Hmm...press any key to begin...strange, there dosen't appear to be an any key...this one looks like a question mark...maybe it will let you ask where the any key is...oop, no t time for that, the computers starting!

You have required the internet!



Now about this plant...hmm, "Built in 1980 over a vast network of caves said to posses deadly mystic properties, or possibly an Indian burial ground, why the hell not? Used to smuggle everything and everyone, from Satanists to republicans who were more than "just friends". Maybe there's treasure down there while we're at it, its a bunch of space made out of rock what possible use could any of this be to anyone?"

You, that's who!

Treasure or not (although that'd help) there's a way to sneak in and out to acquire some cheap Russian nuclear reactor droppings. But where do you start looking for those caves? You really just have to make a phone call to someone who can get you there, but even if they get you in you have no idea where to go. Mind you Vincent Van gogh played it by ear, and that never hurt him right?

Just then there's a sound at your window. Breaking glass as a matter of fact, caused by a boot.

You got a boot!



Smells like chicken dipped in more chicken back in the dark ages, but with this econemy it's finders keepers. Peering out the window to either thank
your new best freind or return fire on your new rival, you come nose to stench with Ninja Harry, friendly neighbourhood tramp.



What's the lovable old douche bag (by smell alone, your sure he's got a nice personality) rambiling about today? He's decided to forsake the life of a revenge seeking mercenary to take up the life of an hounerable monk. Hense the boot through your window apparently. He wishes he'd started this all way back when he was a tour guide for the caves under the nuclear plant?

That's...narratively convenient.

Hmm, decisions, decisions. Do you:

(A) Go talk to the Harry.
(B) Throw stuff at Harry until he goes away.
(C) Call up a certain someone and go to work on those caves.

[discordiatookie]

(A) Go talk to the Harry.

Its the natural choice! We gotta get into dem caves!!!

[Spawn Guy]

Grabbing an oxygen tank you got half price at Woolworth’s, you leave the radioactive glow of the internet in the hopes of this conversation somehow leading to you basking in a different kind of radioactive glow. Negotiations ,however, don't go so great.



"Buggerit! Millenium hand and shrimp!"

Um...

"Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, banana phone!"

Uh...

"It's so damn hot...milk was a bad choice!"

Well you...sort of got that...

Just then there's a noise behind you. Or rather an absence of noise. Only one thing on the planet is that quite...



Great Gatsby's Ghost, you were right! A squad of Ninja Fanboys! Doubtless Andy's clan seeking revenge for the gold hearted badasse's demise at your perfectly manicured hands.

A couple of shots of Canadian beer should take care of this...but do you have enough for all of them? Time's running out, the heavily armed fanboys are advancing, high pitched voices shrieking curses against Rob Leinfeild and George Lucas. Do you:

(A) Go for the beer. It worked before.
(B) Use the boot.
(C) Hid behind Harry.

[Sewer Bull]

I choose Harry as my natural shield. C.

[Spawn Guy]

"Four score and seven years ago..."

Oxygen tank firmly secured you dive behind Harry as a hail of bullets and throwing stars rain down on the spot you were standing in. Fortunately fanboys are blind to the dirty grey colour surrounding every inch of Harry's unemployed being. Convinced they have killed you right down to the molecular level (that's what ninja vanish actually means) they bugger off to go whine about the continuity inaccuracies of Superman Returns. Bad move. The mere sight of ninjas send Harry into a rage that dwarfs anything mere annoyed comic fans could possibly conceive.




"MY NAME IS BIG HARRY, AND I WANT A BIG CEREAL!"

You turn your head away from the carnage, something wet and stinking of skin care products bouncing off your head.



You got an Angry Fanboy head!

Mop up the blood, and you have your own...severed head. Hey, don't judge. This is an RPG. Taking what you want is 100% of the law. And you have Harry to thank for it. But will he help you out?

"Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 % sure that I love you!"

You'll take that as a yes. And only a yes.

You got Ninja Harry!

Now, do you:

(A) Call in some extra help. It'll save on shovels.
(B) Get a shovel and get going.
(C) Get Harry a bath first. The stench of blood dosen't help.

[discordiatookie]

C. I wanna see how Ninja Harry and water will mix...

[MadPirateBunny]

Bring extra towels.

And soap.

Lots of soap.

[Spawn Guy]

Tying the severed Fanboy head to your stick, you lure Harry over an open manhole cover.

"Sweet Sally Struthers!"

It's actually a considerable compromise, no way in hell were you bathing the tub of out of date lard yourself. And this way all of his germs die as sweet smelling sewer bacteria commit mass genocide over what was once his skin. As the splash dies away you mull over events. God probably dosen't like you enough to make those the last of Andy's family out for your smoking hot plasma...but enough to make sure nothing nasty is waiting for you in those caves right?

Speaking of which you've got a phone call to make!



You got Madpiratebunny!

The perfect burying tool and the bestets friend you could have! Using the incredible absorbing properties of your cheese to dry Harry off (Not towel. No towel. Nuh uh) you lead your band of merry metrosexuals (That's a funny word! It dosen't matter if you don't know what it means!)to your target.



Unfortunately security is a little tight.




Fortunately there's a way in. Unfortunately it's a...well, take a guess.



Good for Harry, very likely lethal for you and Bunny, but time's running out here. Not for any real reason other than to add pressure to the story here and make it all action movieish.

Do you:

(A) Fight two of Lawdoms biggest badasses. With a rabbit and a hobo.
(B) Enter the incredibly gross and unnervingly dark sewer pipe.