Our Girlfriend's Parents

[Spitfire]

Anyone else here have problems with their girlfriends parents? I'm thinking maybe some people here have gone through what I'm going through and can offer some help...or maybe you have a problem and I can help.
Here is my problem
My girlfriend's(Mai) parents found out about me after we were togther for 4 months. Her Mom gave me a big speech about the things her culture demands me to do and all this other BS. The culture she was describing wasnt even her culture. Mai's Dad just went up stairs and didnt say a word. Then Mai went to Seattle and everything seemed okay. I didnt have to deal with them anymore. I had bought Mai a birthday present...I was planning on giving her something special, I told it was so I would always be near here even when she was all the way in Seattle. I was going to give it to her on the 10th. We were going to go to the movies. Her Mom didnt know I was going to be there however, and still doesnt know. Mai was just going with friends as far as her Mom knew. So she asked her Mom and her Mom said to ask her Dad. Her Dad said she doesnt trust her anymore and if she wants to go anywhere Mom has to go with her. No matter where it is, and to top it all off now the Mom and Dad are being really harsh on her brothers and sister. Their yelling at them and making them do labor around the house. Their also restricted to 1 hour of personal time <_< That made Mai feel awful. She's almost 18 and her Dad expects Mai to go out with her Mom. I would just say "F*** your Mom I'll give it to you anyways" But her Mom freaks out when people give her presents. One time a friend gave Mai a teddy bear and her Mom freaked out and said it was an engagement present. Like for marriage! GAH her Mom is so non-senseable I dont understand her logic or thinking! Makes me want to rip my hair out. So we made another plan to get around that. Mai is going to Davis and has to do this 3 day thing there to get to know the school. So on Tuesday I was going to go there and see her for an hour and give her the present. The only person who could take me cant because it's his anniversary with his wife. That isnt his fault but it just makes things look impossible. That is the ONLY time she wont be near her parents. That and when she is at the airport. She flew down here just for the Davis thing. And she leaves on the 15th. She just flew in today. I feel bad she has to be with them for 3 days. Atleast she can stay in the dorm thing and be away from them for a bit. They want total control over her and expect her to obey them even after she turns 18. Which is on August 17th. But she wont be here and I cant give her the present. So I was going to give it to her before she goes back to Seattle. I dont know what to do, I get to angery sometimes. I just punched my desk again...poor thing. I abuse it alot when Im mad. I know it's something that wont break if I beat on it. I used to punch the walls but I hit them so hard now I leave holes so I cant do that anymore...I cant wait until she's 18 and then she can move out. She wants to live with me but as much as I would like that she wont get to go to collage if she does >_< I got to see her like I would normally in Seattle but now when she is no more then a few blocks away from me I cant see her. So close yet further then ever.

[damnhooligan]

It definitely sounds like there's a huge culture gap between you and her parents. Sounds to me as if they are immigrants with more traditionalist ideals and your girlfriend is, more or less, a first-generation American who's not so routed in that tradition. Its a very delicate and potentially explosive situation.

I can't sit here and say "Oh my God, her parents are so unfair! That's so mean!" because honestly, its how they were raised and how their parents were raised, and so forth. Wanting to preserve a bit of their own culture is admirable, but I think not at the expense of your own child's happiness. Bottom line, they're concerned parents and they're just looking out for her. I don't suspect her turning 18 will magically cure all of her problems. She'll still be their daughter, and regardless of legality, she'll probably still feel as if she'll have to live up to their standards.

I think you need to have a talk with her parents. If not in person, at least by way of handwritten letter. They may very well see you as just an outsider who is trying to take their daughter away, and not the man their daughter has chosen to love. Show them you're responsible, kind, compassionate, honorable and worthy of their daughter.

[ThirdMarioBro]

Well, in my opinion a family that holds your college education over your head as a means to gain control over your life once you legally can do what you want, is no family.

They're fu*king psycopaths in my opinion. This sounds like one of those things where after she graduates from college, they can fu*k off. I really don't know how to help you man :(

Congrats Spitfire, you offically have the Technodrome title for worst future in-laws. I have an idea, but where are they from anyway?

[Mecha Cow]

Sorry man, I hate to be a b*tch, but please add some paragraphs because that big hunk of text is hurting my eyes.

Anyway, take DH's advice and show her dad you're a reliable guy. I know guys like him, you have to treat him with respect and show you're a man worthy of his.

Good luck.

[Spitfire]

It definitely sounds like there's a huge culture gap between you and her parents. Sounds to me as if they are immigrants with more traditionalist ideals and your girlfriend is, more or less, a first-generation American who's not so routed in that tradition. Its a very delicate and potentially explosive situation.

I can't sit here and say "Oh my God, her parents are so unfair! That's so mean!" because honestly, its how they were raised and how their parents were raised, and so forth. Wanting to preserve a bit of their own culture is admirable, but I think not at the expense of your own child's happiness. Bottom line, they're concerned parents and they're just looking out for her. I don't suspect her turning 18 will magically cure all of her problems. She'll still be their daughter, and regardless of legality, she'll probably still feel as if she'll have to live up to their standards.

I think you need to have a talk with her parents. If not in person, at least by way of handwritten letter. They may very well see you as just an outsider who is trying to take their daughter away, and not the man their daughter has chosen to love. Show them you're responsible, kind, compassionate, honorable and worthy of their daughter.

Her parents were raised here and her grandparents are NOTHING like that. They dont care that we are togther. Only her Mom cared and she bitched at the Dad until he cared too. Mai's grandma tries to talk to her Mom and tell her not to be like that but she doesnt listen. Even though she tells Mai to listen to her because she listens to her Mom. BS lie! It's nothing like you could imagine. I cant gain their trust. I never could. Her Mom told me even if we told her the day we got togther the same thing would have happened. There is no reasoning them. Her Mom thinks what ever she thinks is what everyone else should too. She thinks shes right even if she's been proven wrong. And when you prove her wrong she changes the subject and tries to make you look bad. It's so hopeless...There is no getting through to them. I just have to wait until she moves out. Mai hates her parents and she said once she turns 18 she never wants to see them again...they have killed her senses. She got picked up by them no longer then 2 hours before they made her feel like **** again...

TMB their from New York, but the mother was raised in Peru. But she follows the custom of her husband, customs he doesnt care to follow himself. She's also a religious freak and tells me Im a bad person because of the music I like.

[Ra]

What the hell?!? Everyone has the right to listen to whatever music they want! Even though the parents are caring, they should be happy that their daughter is happy with her boyfriend. Heck, they should be happy because she is in love

No offence Spitfire, but these parents remind me of 18th century English folk! Or Romeo and Juliet. Anyway, it's a very weird situation

As for the trust thing, just try and find out why they don't like you so much...besides from the music. Try and get them to understand that you love their daughter, and it doesn't matter if the parents can't see that, because love is the only thing that matters

[愛]

Sounds like more relationship junk. It happens with everyone, you're not the only one. I have a saying that holds true 9 times out of 10. "It all works out in the end." It's cliché in a way, but it's true.

[ThirdMarioBro]

TMB their from New York, but the mother was raised in Peru. But she follows the custom of her husband, customs he doesnt care to follow himself. She's also a religious freak and tells me Im a bad person because of the music I like.

I was thinking either South America or Aisa. There has to be something wrong with her mother if she was born in New York and following the customs of a man who dosen't care about them. absoultely f*cking nutso. They need to go.

[Spitfire]

What the hell?!? Everyone has the right to listen to whatever music they want! Even though the parents are caring, they should be happy that their daughter is happy with her boyfriend. Heck, they should be happy because she is in love

No offence Spitfire, but these parents remind me of 18th century English folk! Or Romeo and Juliet. Anyway, it's a very weird situation

As for the trust thing, just try and find out why they don't like you so much...besides from the music. Try and get them to understand that you love their daughter, and it doesn't matter if the parents can't see that, because love is the only thing that matters
Her Mom is insane by any standards. She would drive any of you crazy with-in 5 minutes of talking to her.
RA I'll tell you why she doesnt like me, why they both dont like. I've had more then one Viet and Chinese person tell me. It's because I'm white. That bothers them more then anything. Her Mom is so childish about it my girlfriend told me this today
pissed me off when i got to my room. not cuz my blankets were all missing from my bed, my animals were all set neatly in a row in a corner of my bed, or one of my stuffed dolphins wasn't on my bed anymore (thanh long found it for me, it was on mai tien's bed >.>;;) but cuz the pic of me and chris from prom in my picture frame that po-po gave me that i put in my bed was put face down. i asked my sibs what happened to my blankets and i think it was nam viet, but yah, told me that it my blankets were in the wash and it was my mom that did the stuff to my bed. ****ing touching my stuffed darlings and putting my picture of me and chris face down.

i don't like people touching my things, especially if it's my parents and especially if they treat my things like that. the stuffed animals were fine, though i still didn't like the fact that she touched them, but my picture. *shakes my head* that really made me mad and, i mean, it's not like she could have done that on accident either. she set up all my stuffed animals all nice and pretty and then there was my picture set face down in front of them.

GAH her Mom is impossible to reason with...But it will all work out in the end Ai. Once she turns 18...a day all to far away. August 17th I mark my calendar.

And TMB she's 5150. I mean seriously I don't understand her way of thinking and I think NO ONE does. She will talk to you but she won't listen to you. She asks you questions and starts talking over you when you go to answer. She is the ultimate control freak who wants complete control over every aspect of Mai's life. I can't wait to see how she reacts to what Mai does when she comes of age <_<

Man all this gives me a headache :|

[Ra]

*blinks* they hate you...because you're white...okay, I've said this once, but I'll say it again - WHAT THE HELL?!?

One word for those parents - raceist

All humans are the same, no matter what skin color. It's just how we are indaviual (besides hair color and accent) I definatly have to agree here, the Mom is definatly childish

[The Stryker]

Everyone has different cultures and customs and some people just don't like other races and thats their problem. Still don't make it better, Im black i know of the troubles.

Like Ai Said, Its most likely gonna work itself out and then everyone will be Hunky Doory.

[Spitfire]

*blinks* they hate you...because you're white...okay, I've said this once, but I'll say it again - WHAT THE HELL?!?

One word for those parents - raceist

All humans are the same, no matter what skin color. It's just how we are indaviual (besides hair color and accent) I definatly have to agree here, the Mom is definatly childish
The people I talked to said all asian parents are like that, atleast the "old school" ones. I used to say "What The Hell" To the way they think now but everytime I think they have done the worse possible thing they top it off with something 10 times worse. It's unbelievable really. I'm white, I have red hair, I like metal. Her Mom wants me to dye my hair back to brown, stop listening to the music I enjoy, get all A's, and not touch their daughter psychially*Even hugs* And then she might consider "allowing" Mai and me to go out, when Mai is in her third year of collage! I can't wait till that blows up in her face....I really can't

[Ra]

Okay, very strange. Okay a true story here. It might seem abit off topic at first, but hopfully someone might see the point. A girl once came up to me at the begining of class this year and talked to me. The conversation went abit like this

Girl: oh, Ra you havn't changed
Me: (Thinking she was refurring to my hair that I had failed to cut in the summer brake) Well, I was hoping to do something with it, but-
Girl: No, not like that. I mean your personality
Me: How can you change who you are?

The moral? You can't change who you are, what you like or whatever you want by yourself. It's all up to your soul

Well, as for the hair, the music and that, some asian people have beliefs and that, like the Hindu culture. My over-all advice? Well, after looking at the problem, I say take Ai's advice. Hopfully this will all blow over for you and it'll be AOK

[Spitfire]

Okay, very strange. Okay a true story here. It might seem abit off topic at first, but hopfully someone might see the point. A girl once came up to me at the begining of class this year and talked to me. The conversation went abit like this

Girl: oh, Ra you havn't changed
Me: (Thinking she was refurring to my hair that I had failed to cut in the summer brake) Well, I was hoping to do something with it, but-
Girl: No, not like that. I mean your personality
Me: How can you change who you are?

The moral? You can't change who you are, what you like or whatever you want by yourself. It's all up to your soul

Well, as for the hair, the music and that, some asian people have beliefs and that, like the Hindu culture. My over-all advice? Well, after looking at the problem, I say take Ai's advice. Hopfully this will all blow over for you and it'll be AOK

That's exactly how I see it...I'm confident that it will all blow over but I worry now. Mai is in distress, if you will, now. It just bothers me to see her unhappy. I feel like I have to help her. Like it's my duty to help her. I don't know why but I've always felt like that. Thanks for letting me vent a little. I'll probably be back in here tommrow with another problem though >_< I'll keep you guys updated

[ThirdMarioBro]

Yeah, I know how you feel. When someone you care about deeply is in distress or pain, it drives you to want to help them. The worst thing is when there isn't a damn thing you can do. It really hurts. Dealing with twisted in-laws who are so fu*ked up as you discribe is about as low as I've heard it go in the real world.

I wish we could help ya Spitfire. I really do.

[Spitfire]

Yeah, I know how you feel. When someone you care about deeply is in distress or pain, it drives you to want to help them. The worst thing is when there isn't a damn thing you can do. It really hurts. Dealing with twisted in-laws who are so fu*ked up as you discribe is about as low as I've heard it go in the real world.

I wish we could help ya Spitfire. I really do.
Well thank you, knowing people care, or people would help gives me a warm feeling. I'm glad you all understand. I'm now convinced it just isn't my family, Mai's family*expcet her parents*, and me who think Mai's Mom and Dad are insane. I'm going to go sleep on it Thanks for listening ^_^

[KROW]

Here's what you do:

Linger like a bad fart at their house, and laugh at their garbage.

Seriously. If her parents see that you could give a rat's ass about what they think, they might ease off. If it occurs to them that their trash doesn't affect you, they just might stop. You can't reason with them, so you might as well have as much fun with their b.s. as you can.

[愛]

Wait...your girlfriend is asian, right? No. Don't even bother. You can't reason with those people. I know a girl who can't even go across the damn street to a friend's house for more than a few hours. Ridiculous strict parents, indeed.

[Spitfire]

Wait...your girlfriend is asian, right? No. Don't even bother. You can't reason with those people. I know a girl who can't even go across the damn street to a friend's house for more than a few hours. Ridiculous strict parents, indeed.
Words like reason don't exisit to them. Their thoughts are martial law and they push their beliefs on their kids. Poor Mai's brothers having to do all that work >_<

[Dinny]

I had a similar problem two years ago with an Indian girlfriend I had. Whatever you do, don't take the dad out for a drink. I ended up getting drunk and offered to take him to a strip club. When he said "No", I said "Come on, I'll pay if you lend me some money". I still can't believe I was such a retard, I never dated her again.

[Spitfire]

I won't be taking the Dad anywhere. I have no intrest what so ever in getting to know her Mother or her Father. And Mai doesn't care either
lol and I think offering your girlfriends Dad out to a strip club would get you yelled at no matter what culture

[Dinny]

lol and I think offering your girlfriends Dad out to a strip club would get you yelled at no matter what culture

I know but what pisses me off more was that things were actually going great until then. I tried find some sort of common ground with him despite the fact that he scared the hell out of me. I said that I understand him being proud of his heritage, I said that I too am very proud of my Greek, Welsh and Irish backgrounds. There was a bit of an awkward moment when he said smugly to me "Oh really, what would you understand about national pride when you're from countries like that? What have they ever done?" and then in my slightly tipsy state I replied, "Well for one thing Greece conquered India".
I suggest that you, too try find some common ground. Explain that you understand where he's coming from even if you don't and say something like,"My parents are very similar".
Also, ask your girlfriend what your dad hates and slip that into the conversation somehow. For example, I found out that he loathed licking stamps, so at the bar I said, "Ewwww, this beer's gross, worse than the taste of a stamp."

[Spitfire]

Umm well both her parents hate me because I'm white. And when my girlfriend turns 18 she's leaving and never returning. So I don't think I have to get to know her Dad at all. I don't bend over backwards to please people. They either like me the way I am or sucks for them. There is no way I'm changeing who I am to please her parents. Mai likes me the way I am and doesn't want me to change so I don't have to. Her parents have nothing to hold against me. Their just mad because I'm with Mai and I'm not asian

[ThirdMarioBro]

Umm well both her parents hate me because I'm white. And when my girlfriend turns 18 she's leaving and never returning. So I don't think I have to get to know her Dad at all. I don't bend over backwards to please people. They either like me the way I am or sucks for them. There is no way I'm changeing who I am to please her parents. Mai likes me the way I am and doesn't want me to change so I don't have to. Her parents have nothing to hold against me. Their just mad because I'm with Mai and I'm not asian

Old cranks like that can not be reasoned with. I've seen it enough in this region to know. Hell, my parents would probobly disown me if I even went out with anyone who wasn't of their culture. Racism is the root of all evil and until a few generations die out, it will never go away.

People are people, period. And people like Mai's parent's do nothing but cause more hatred in this already hate filled world.

[Spitfire]

Old cranks like that can not be reasoned with. I've seen it enough in this region to know. Hell, my parents would probobly disown me if I even went out with anyone who wasn't of their culture. Racism is the root of all evil and until a few generations die out, it will never go away.

People are people, period. And people like Mai's parent's do nothing but cause more hatred in this already hate filled world.
Exactly! I don't feel like trying to help them any longer. They destoryed their relationship with their daughter, that's theur fault. I used to tell Mai her parents arn't that bad. Then I met them...*sigh* I can't wait until Friday when I can see Mai again and give her, her present. Then she's going to be gone for a month >_<