He killed herself

[Anarky]

Thoughts of a twisted mind: He’s killed herself

6:45 am, Sunday. My doorbell rings. I wouldn’t even be up at such an hour if I would have had a job. Anyways, it rings and in front of me is my best friend since I was eight. He tells me, crying, that „he“ is dead.

Okay, maybe I need to go into detail. I moved after second grade and changed schools, lost contact with said buddy for a long time. About 5 years ago, he suddenly called, in summer, asking me whether I wanted to go swimming with him and a friend of his. There I met him. I met him twice in total. Two afternoons, that’s all. My buddy on the other hand knew that guy very well. They were close friends until they lost contact about two years ago.

So, my buddy’s friend is dead now, I’m shaking, I’m nervous, I don’t know what to do. I drove my buddy home, told him to go to sleep, his girlfriend just waiting for something big to happen, like she always does. His mother and a woman I didn’t know were sitting in the kitchen, where I decided to get myself a hot chocolate, since I had to drive home again, with my buddy’s car and no license and I was tired, so I needed the sugar rush. He’s going to pick the car up later today, which actually doesn’t matter. I am confused, I honestly don’t know. I have no idea what to do now.

So, my friend’s buddy committed suicide. He hanged himself. Of course, he left a note, explaining why he committed suicide and who doesn’t need to be sorry and all that. I haven’t read it, but I know its content. I left my friend at his place and drove home. Now I’m sitting here, waiting for a thought that comforts me, something I could tell my buddy, who is most likely at home, sleeping and crying like he always did during the hard times. It wasn’t the suicide that messes with his mind, I know that. Also, his repeated phrase while lying on the backseat of his car “If I only knew” makes sense now.

The reason why he killed himself, man, this is so hard to write out, not because of the vocabulary, the grammar or anything language-related, but because he wasn’t himself but still, he was. Apparently, he didn’t feel like a he… he was a her. I hope you get what I mean. She felt she was a woman, and not a man. She was not Andreas; she was someone else whose name we’ll never know. Apparently she killed herself because she felt, she knew, that she would never ever be accepted as a woman. That’s why she hanged herself.

And now, I’m looking for something to say. Of course, she was still the same person, of course she was Andreas, but yet she wasn’t. So, my buddy said “If only he knew” and I ask myself “What would have happened then?” And I know that suicide was maybe the best solution, as sick as it sounds. We live in a small city of about 16,000 people. In our neighbourhood, everyone knew everyone. If neighbour A burped to loud, neighbour B through Z knew it within 5 minutes. She lived in a similar place, smaller flats, older buildings, it doesn’t matter. I know that her neighbourhood would have disrespected her in every way possible, being the retarded morons they are. She wouldn’t have been able to live near our city ever again.

And then, being the enemy of the state I am, the questions came. Who are we to judge over a person’s inner life? Who are we to tell people “You’re a guy” or “You’re a girl”? Can we even do that? Who allows us to do that?

And of course, now, that I have calmed down a little (although I’m almost crying here), the more existentialist questions come up, which can mainly be summed up into one question: Does the body always match the mind?

What can I tell my buddy? He’s blaming himself, since he was apparently mentioned by name in that last letter of hers. But I don’t know what it said, and to be honest, it is none of my concern. That note had nothing to do with me.

Thank you.

Rest in peace – nameless, young woman
1985 – 2005

[Ryona]

That's horrible. :( I'm so sorry for your friend and his recently passed away friend.

It's a shame that as technologicaly advanced as humans are, they still think, act, and react in a primitive way.
Why can't people just accept others for who they are? No one is born perfect. Obviously, this poor soul was born with the wrong physical sex, yet the majority treat transgendered people as ****ed up individuals.

Like you said, Anarky, who is anyone to say that a person is so and so just based on their physical looks.
The physical appearance of a person is usually missleading and deceptive. Like, a person can look happy, sweet, and nice on the outside, but be sad, cold, and bitter in the inside.
Like the old saying... Don't judge a book by it's cover.


Suicide in general is such a sad thing. I myself, like many, have come close to commiting suicide at least once.
How sad does a person have to be to do such an act? It's a terrible thought.


Anyway, I'm so sorry for her. If only she had lived in a more modern environment, she could have lived her life the way she would have liked to.

Anarky, please give your poor friend my condolences. :(

[Sewer Bull]

And I know that suicide was maybe the best solution, as sick as it sounds. We live in a small city of about 16,000 people. In our neighbourhood, everyone knew everyone. If neighbour A burped to loud, neighbour B through Z knew it within 5 minutes. She lived in a similar place, smaller flats, older buildings, it doesn’t matter. I know that her neighbourhood would have disrespected her in every way possible, being the retarded morons they are. She wouldn’t have been able to live near our city ever again.


Suicide is never the answer. She could have moved from your town to some bigger Swiss city and changed the unfriendly environment. I know it's so easy to say but much harder to do. I wonder if she ever talked to her family about her identity problems. I guess not.

I'm sorry to hear about your buddy's friend. I remember that you said on the Drome chat yesterday you were not in the mood and got that feeling something was going to happen. And hell, it did happen.

Honestly, I'm not sure if you could really help here. Of course every type of support is highly recommended but the guy will keep on blaming himself for some time for sure. I know what I am talking about. My close friend committed suicide last year in May. He jumped out of the window - and it was the 11th floor of my university's building, so you can imagine it was quite a hot topic for all of the students of my college. He had broken up with his girlfriend one hour before - and I saw him 2 hours before his death. Everything happened so damn fast. The guy was always so impulsive. He didn't even leave a note.

He had told me before they had problems with understanding each other and their relationship was on the brink of splitting up. However, he ignored the advices I gave him and told me not to talk with his girl about that (I offered him I could explain her she shouldn't tease so much with him). So I did not. Plus, I kinda ignored the guy for the last week of his life. I was so preoccupied with other stuff I had to deal with and since he said he didn't need my help...

But then THAT happened. And I was feeling very, very low for more than 2 months. I blamed myself for being such a useless pile of crap instead of a true friend. People I know persuaded me I was wrong, because I couldn't really help him out. But hell, I kept on remembering certain fragments of our past chats and conversations. I remembered how he told me a few times he couldn't imagine living without her (and other stuff like that)... Half of the guys I know might say that and nothing would really happen if they split up afterwards. But in this case it was different. I considered them as some clear indications to the inevitable tragedy. I imagined I could have just grabbed his hand and tell him to promise me he would never ever considered such a solution. Heh, like that could help in anything. But when you are down, you have lots of strange thoughts. I believed that if I had tried to chat with him on that day, 2 hours before his jump, he wouldn't have done that. Plus I reckoned if I had talked to his lady despite his warnings, he would have been pissed, but nevertheless he could have lived.
And one day, it came to me that I virtually couldn't have done anything with that. I offered my help, he refused it, moreover, he didn't tell me about everything. And after 2 months I finally stopped blaming myself. And smoking.

So, to sum up my longish story - your friend is probably going to recall all of the past moments, maybe he's going to read more into some phrases that were expressed by her. And even if you tell him not to do that, he will. Maybe he's going to think he screwed up as a friend and he's useless. But he'll cease, I hope. Just don't say he could do something and don't let the others to do so. Plus, try to accompany him as much as your can. She was on her road to perdition and saving her was probably beyond him, especially when she didn't tell him anything, just suggested a few times she was not that ok.

I hope (s)he didn't put the blame on him too in her very last note. Otherwise he'd be totally ****ed up and even I wouldn't know what to say.

And as for your existentialist question - the answer is of course "not always" but the society doesn't understand that fully. For lots of people it's hard to make a distinction between a homosexual person and someone "trapped in the wrong body"

[Anarky]

My buddy showed up two hours ago to get his car, sat on my bed and cried. He lost a good friend there.

What makes me angry is that people these days must hide who they are, who they want to be. Damnit, we have the internet, we fly to the moon, cell phones do everything aside from being a phone. But actually, those things are but decoration, things we hide behind, things we have just to define who we are, and god forbid if we don't define ourselves after these things. I mean, when my friend admitted that she was lesbian, I wasn't shocked or anything. Infact, it took tension off me, but made her many enemies withing bloody seconds. I helped her where I could, but she couldn't live a normal life anymore, she was just "that lesbian", while she stayed the same. Same would've gone for Andreas (more on her case later). If people would just realize that people would stay the same no matter what they look like... the world would be much easier these days. Why do you think all these teens are depressive these days? They are told who they are, what they are, there's no room for themselves. There's just TV-show here, brand-clothing there... We hide. All the time.

On the case of this morning. My buddy said, he was, as soon as everything calmed down a little, going to ask the parents whether they could bury her under a stone with the name "Andrea" on it, it would have been what she probably wanted.

... and I thought, I had problems.

[Nturtle]

I'm really sorry to hear that Anarky; there aren't many people out there who understand those types of situations, maybe I don't either, but I really do empathize with her and her friend.

However, suicide is never the best option, that's just another form of running away and like you said that's our biggest problem.

"Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It's getting hard to be someone, but it all works out
It doesn't matter much to me"

My condolences to your friend.

[Machias Banshee]

Jeez... I just dont know what to tell you Anarky. :( I wish I was over there with you. *lots of hugs*

[Spitfire]

Suicide...another victim claimed. People just can't deal with their inner demons sometimes. They need such a high level of support that the normal person could not have kept up. There was nothing anyone could have done but prolonged her doing it. Unless they got her put on watch, in which case she would just hate her life even more or she would snap out of it. I've been around and seen to much suicide for one life. I can only hope your friend doesn't let this hurt him. It's a horrible thing to happen but tearing yourself up over it only makes things worse.

[Kid Icarus]

I'm with Spit. Suicidal people, unless the situation changes drasticaly, are always going to have that thought in there head... "If it gets to hard... If I just can't take it... If it starts to hurt too bad again..". It's horrible.

Your friend should try to take comfort in knowing that her mind's finally at rest. There's no more constant fear of what could happen to her. That's the easiest way to cope with suicides. That and to realize that no matter what you did, if the person coulden't deal with their own problems it was going to happen eventually.

Pass on my condolences.

[ThirdMarioBro]

What makes me angry is that people these days must hide who they are, who they want to be. Damnit, we have the internet, we fly to the moon, cell phones do everything aside from being a phone. But actually, those things are but decoration, things we hide behind, things we have just to define who we are, and god forbid if we don't define ourselves after these things. I mean, when my friend admitted that she was lesbian, I wasn't shocked or anything. Infact, it took tension off me, but made her many enemies withing bloody seconds. I helped her where I could, but she couldn't live a normal life anymore, she was just "that lesbian", while she stayed the same. Same would've gone for Andreas (more on her case later). If people would just realize that people would stay the same no matter what they look like... the world would be much easier these days. Why do you think all these teens are depressive these days? They are told who they are, what they are, there's no room for themselves. There's just TV-show here, brand-clothing there... We hide. All the time.

I agree with every damn word of that. People are judgemental, vindictive, jackasses. A person has a right to live the way they wish. Weither their opinions allign themselves with those of someone else is irrelevant. If a person isn't harming anyone else mentally or physically, what right do people have to command them to conform to their ideals?

The entire global human society is pure garbage on a whole. There are the enlightened folk, but the majority believe that they are correct, and if they had half a chance, would gladly take the ability to force others to allign themselves with those opinions.

Anarky, I'm so sorry about your friend. I wish humans were not the way they are, but nothing I fear will ever change that outside of global extintion of people. People suck.

[Ra]

Damn. That's horrible :cry: Amazing even if we may never know some people in life, or not well, we still shed tears like the blood that flowed though their vains as if they were our best friends. By the time I finished reading the story, I was near tears. Even if the dragons and demons may no longer bear their fangs, they still have talons to rip and claw at whoever hears their cries of pain. Suicide...manslughter...it all comes down to murder by an other name

"Let the clouds of saddness part,
To show a new begining.
Staying and moarning in the past,
Shall never change anything, no matter how hard it is to accept."

I hope you and your friend get better soon Anarky. I really do *hands over a dragon statue of hope and peace with a hug*

[Mecha Cow]

That really sucks, man. I'm not gonna write up some story about suicide or who we really are or whatever, because I don't really have anything to say other than that I'm sorry to hear this.

My condoleances to you and your friend.