TMNT Movie Script

[ZariusTwo]

WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

http://i1092.photobucket.com/albums/i412/Emma_Shortland/TMNTposter_text_zpse9e258bd.jpg

Poster courtesy of the talented and supportful Blossombrooks

After reading the TANT script, I decided to pretty much begin writing a feature-length TMNT movie script of my own.

This is strictly for fun, but if someone WANTS to do something with it, it'll be here for thier use.

I will be using this thread to share snippets from the script, details about the plot, and even supplying you with some of the songs from the "soundtrack" I'm putting together for it. I've also written two original songs (there just lyrics though, no music) for the movie.

Give me your thoughts on the snippets I'll provide over the next few weeks

Keep in mind that, as an experiment, and just for the sake of debate, I will be taking SLIGHT liberties, TMNT has always been about reinvention, so I won't be 100% faithful to the comics



THE PREMISE


"Magic Monday" is the day a city-renowned building meets it's final curtain call....but what will cause it's downfall? What has been at the center of so many recent demolition jobs, ones that involve no explosives? Journalist April O'Neil is determined to uncover the truth, but as she peers into the rabbit hole, she, her good friend Irma Langestien, and April's boyfriend Casey Jones are swept into an altogether more sinister, warped version of wonderland. Saved from near-death by four strange creatures highly skilled in an ancient art of combat yet heavily influenced by the modern world and the odd hormone or two, April and Casey embark on a wondrous journey, discovering a secret lair beneath the streets, bonding with new friends, and uncovering another wild and eccentric world that must stay hidden. To most of contemporary civilisation, they are shadows, to others, they are guardian angels, to others like the ruthless Saki and his underlings, they are a target. For April and Casey, they're just too weird for words.

They are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.


Read the Novelization here
(http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9147756/1/We-Are-Shadows)

SCRIPT SAMPLES

SAMPLE ONE
CROOK ONE:
What is that thing?

BEBOP:
Dunno…looks like something from Power Rangers

(The Turtle snaps back at them)

TURTLE:
Hey! I’m not THAT old

SAMPLE TWO

(April comes to her half-senses, slightly unnerved, a combination of anxiety and enthusiasm)

APRIL
…Giant…my god, Casey, there were…giant Turtles, well, ok , they were about the same size as you and me, but they were all over the place. Casey they saved me.

CASEY:
Something seemed to scare those bums off. Wonder if it was a bunch of homeless war vets, you get them a lot in these places…

APRIL:
I’m not joking Casey, there were GIANT TURTLES IN THE PARK

CASEY:
…Have to admit, it’s less forced a meme than Alligators in the Sewer…

SAMPLE THREE


(We take a peek inside a THE CENTER OF A HIVE OF SEWER TUNNELS, and QUICKLY ZOOM IN, we go DOWN A RIVER OF PURE SEWAGE AND TURN RIGHT TOWARDS A BARRICADED ENTRANCEWAY, we seep through the wooden barricade and enter a COMPACT, BUT LIVELY MAKESHIFT HOMESTEAD. THERE IS A SKATEBOARD RAMP, A MOULDY, SPRING-RIDDEN COUCH, AND A WORN-OUT SHEET OF CARPET FLOORING.. This is the home of the four highly-skilled Turtles who came to the aid of April

Here we see the Turtles engaged in different activities. Michelangelo is riding his skateboard across the length and bridth of the lair, not just the ramp. Donatello is quietly seated at the couch, staring at an I-PAD TABLET)

Two of the Turtles, Leonardo and Raphael, are engaged in a training session, pitted against each other in battle. Leonardo DEFLECTS SEVERAL ERRATIC ATTACKS BY RAPH, armed with his Sais, with his two kitana blades. He frequently critiques Raph for his perceived slowness)


LEONARDO:
Faster Raphael!

(Raphael does his best to oblige Leonardo, throwing his feet forwards, wildly throwing his sais in the multiple directions aimed at Leonardo’s body, hoping to prod it and score a “hit”, and thus bring the conflict to an end, but Leonardo continues to put up a fight, countering the erratic combative skills of Raph. AGAIN he criticises him for dragging in battle)

LEONARDO:
FASTER

RAPHAEL:
You’re getting most of me!

LEONARDO:
I want all …or Nothing.

(Raph lets out a scream of rage and desperation and pours his aggresion into a final strike, but opens himself up for a hit, Leonardo twists his body around, and, in a tornado-like way, deflects one of Raph’s sais with one kitana, and delicately “stabs” Raph in the stomach with the second. Raph throws his sais down, forfeiting the battle)

LEONARDO:
Game. Set.

RAPHAEL:
…Match?

LEONARDO:
…You weren’t one

RAPHAEL:
I don’t need to prove anything to you, I can hold it together in proper combat, just turn me loose up top and you’ll see what kind of damage I can do.

LEONARDO:
We’re not out to “cause damage”. We’re here to…

RAPHAEL:
…Here to what? What ARE we doing Leo? While we’re here playing “tag”, people are getting hurt up there. Everytime I walk the streets I see muggings, assault, and worse…hell look at what we prevented last night

LEONARDO:
That was meant to be a meditative retreat and it escalated into something else. We are not heroes, we are students

RAPHAEL:
Wake up already Leo….SCHOOL. IS. OUT.

(A sharp voice rings out)

VOICE:
RAPHAEL! COME HERE AT ONCE

(Leonardo folds his arms and shakes his head)

LEONARDO:
…Never say that when the TEACHER is present

(Raphael gives Leonardo a disproving stare and heads towards a tunnel entranceway, heading towards the source of the voice. Leonardo looks over to the couch, and then to Michelangelo, who is trying out all sorts of freestyle moves on his skateboard)

LEONARDO:
Donatello? You and Mike are up next.

(Donatello remains fixated on the I-Pad)

LEONARDO:
DONATELLO?

DONATELLO:
In a sec Leo.

(He is constantly refreshing the CHANNEL 6 BLOGSPOT HOMEPAGE, waiting for an update from April. Michelangelo pulls up his skateboard, leaps off of it and crashes down onto the couch, putting his feet up atop the sofa while hanging upside down. Donatello ignores the bravado on display and remains transfixed…finally, a NEW UPDATE APPEARS. Donatello becomes ecstatic)

DONATELLO:
THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT GUYS

MICHELANGELO:
…Donny boy, finally looking up girls are we?

DONATELLO:
Not just any girl Mike

(Michelangelo takes a peek at the I-Pad and instantly gets giggidy at the sight of April’s new tout)

MICHELANGELO:
SWEET DUDE!

LEONARDO:
I knew we shouldn’t have picked up that I-Pad….maintenance crews down here should have them on some kind of chain-link…

MICHELANGELO:
What are you waiting for dude? Switch the video on

(Donatello clicks “play” on the tout. April can be seen talking from what appears to be a DERELICT ALLEYWAY)

APRIL:
Hey Five O’Clock Shadows, this is April O’Neil with the promised exclusive you’ve been waiting for. Months away from “Magic Monday”, Channel 6 can exclusively reveal the secrets of it’s inevitable success. What causes the destruction of these proud historical relics without explosives? Suffice to say…

(she produces the robot and parades it up close to the camera)

APRIL:
…It’s because of THESE Perly whites

(Michelangelo seems more interested in April than what she has in her hand, but Donatello reacts differently to the LOGO on the right of the robot, which appears to resemble an IMPRINT OF THE HUMAN EYE)

DONATELLO:
…Hold everything. HOLD. EVERYTHING.

(He pauses the video, which annoys Michelangelo. Donatello gets up, taking the I-tablet with him)

DONATELLO:
I gotta go check something

(Michelangelo despairs at the lack of the I-Pad)

MICHELANGELO:
The least you can do is leave her with me

(Donatello races off through another tunnel leading out of the main chamber. Leonardo sighs and pulls his blades out)

LEONARDO:
Guess I’ve got double duty today. Ok Mike, you’re up. You and me. Come on.

(Michelangelo puts his hands on his face)

MICHELANGELO:
I do not wanna talk about fight club.

THE SOUNDTRACK
1. "I Try So Hard" by Tribal Ink (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24cZZB5r0AY)
2. "Life Again" by Decypher Down (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMUKDzFpR00)
3. "World On Fire" by Sarah McLachlan (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0O2LMqnHGg)
4. "We Are Shadows" by David Blyth (http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3053755/5/The-Mission-Is-Midnight) (Original song)
5. "Towards The Day" by David Blyth (http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3053755/6/The-Mission-Is-Midnight) (Original Song)
6. "These Days Are Ours" by Emma Hewitt (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtmakOoB1cI)
7. "Secrets From The Underground" by The Offspring (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdZRX0AvkmE)
8. When You're Young By 3 Doors Down (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HnKEYz1vEQ) (Leo's theme)
9. Something New by Girls Aloud (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHSFTrcJYmM) (April's theme)

PROMOTIONAL ARTWORK


Art by Blossombrooks[/center]

http://i1092.photobucket.com/albums/i412/Emma_Shortland/Snapbucket/CB606C0C.jpg

http://i1092.photobucket.com/albums/i412/Emma_Shortland/Snapbucket/42A3BB82.jpg

[ZariusTwo]

Updated with a new script sample

SAMPLE FOUR


SHREDDER:
You are alone

LEONARDO
Maybe…but My brothers, my mentor, guide me in spirit

SHREDDER:
I was, until a few days ago…a rational man. I did not believe in the supernatural, I did not believe that the great warriors of the past, ny ancestors, were driven by anything other than their own superstition and self-confidence…but your kind? You are like the great reptilian delusion come to life. A bane sent from the Otherworld. It must fall to me to cleanse this planet of it before it overwhelms us all.

LEONARDO:
We do not come to tip the balance of power, merely to sustain it’s harmonious flux. Your “voiceless” intend to make this city scream until you are heard, to restore balance, we have had to silence it

SHREDDER:
And now you are here…to silence me

LEONARDO:
I do not kill in cold blood. You can surrender peacefully, avoid conflict, end this pointless war

SHREDDER:
History will be written by the victor . You are the demon’s head. If I remove it, the remainder of the body will wither and die.

LEONARDO:
If that is your choice, let us settle this with honour

(Leonardo bows his head in respect to his opponent. Shredder does not return the courtesy)

SHREDDER:
LOOK at me

(Leonardo obliges, he raises his head, he looks into Shredder’s cold, merciless, unemotional eyes, he looks for something, anything, to justify holding back)

SHREDDER:
What do you see?

LEONARDO:
If evil had a form, a face, it would be yours.

SHREDDER:
A judgement. From one who is so used to be judged himself by the ignorant world he foolishly protects.

LEONARDO:
I have seen the world, and while it can be grey, even black, I need only look at those noble souls I have seen in action this last week, I need only look at the country in and outside of the city. The truth is this land, this world, is altogether very GREEN.

SHREDDER:
Then I will ensure you join your lush green country…six feet beneath it

(With nothing left to say, the two give in to their conflictive impulses and CHARGE towards one another, their swords CLASH, THE BATTLE IS JOINED).

[Azrael Macool]

All right, not trying to be too nitpicky here.... Bit all your references to the IPad app they have? I think you mean IPad tablet. An app is an application. At first I thought you were just using the term awkwardly, but when you started saying things like hand me that app... Yeah, I think Inigo Montoya said of best: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means" :P

Beyond that, it looks okay enough, I guess, but something seems a little... Off about the dialogue. I wish I could be more specific, nothing sucks more than vague criticism, but a lot of of just doesnt seem very... Natural, I guess. I find it sometimes helps to by a friend or two to read the parts like you're rehearsing a play. If there's something wrong with it, one of you will notice. Course, I could be wrong anyway, I've done very little in the way of screenplay writing (Stan few scenes of a Mega Man X movie, and a pilot for a proposed Teen Titans revamp. Neither were seen by anyone worth mentioning), so I may very well.be talking out my ass.

But it looks promising, keep at it.

[ZariusTwo]

All right, not trying to be too nitpicky here.... Bit all your references to the IPad app they have? I think you mean IPad tablet. An app is an application. At first I thought you were just using the term awkwardly, but when you started saying things like hand me that app... Yeah, I think Inigo Montoya said of best: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means" :P.

I'm not a savy person in that area, thanks for the corrections there. :P

I guess the dialouge could be a little more...loose and fluent, at least on the human side. I'll look up some examples just to get a better feel. A lot of comics I've read have this sort of dialouge (including TMNT books)

Thanks for the interest, always appreciate help.

[Azrael Macool]

Another thing hat helps me and my friend, who both write on occasion, is for us to edit each others work. It's not only good for spelling and grammar, its great for continuity and clarity. Sometimes something that makes sense to you won't to someone else. That may help, just in general. Of course, my sister writes probably more than both of us, and doesn't use an editor, so again, different strokes, different folks, etc.

[ZariusTwo]

Beleive me, there's going to be things in this that will only make sense to me and that's half the fun of sharing it.:lol:

[ZariusTwo]

Added plot synopsis

Added new samples

SAMPLE FIVE

INT: APRIL’S HOME
(SCROLLING TEXT READS “FIVE HOURS LATER”)

(April returns home to find the place RANSACKED, TABLES HAVE BEEN TURNED OVER, DRAWERS AND CABINETS ARE OPENED, Casey is in the living area, sitting on the rim of a TITLED-OVER SOFA. April is NOT pleased)


APRIL:
…What the hell is this?

CASEY:
April, they had authority


APRIL:
…Why didn’t you stop them?

CASEY:
I’m in enough ****, you think assaulting a federal officer is gonna clean up the dirt?

APRIL:
So you let them turn my Home INTO ****?…Wait…federal?

(a figure appears in the hallway, it is the mystery man who was talking with April a few hours earlier)

MYSTERY MAN:
I guess that’s my cue

APRIL:
You’re the asshole who was on the phone right?

MYSTERY MAN:
I do apologize for the mess Miss O’Neil, we were taking precautions

APRIL:
Precautions? Listen you horses ass,,,

CASEY:
April, calm down, they didn’t find anything.

MYSTERY MAN:
Not yet.

(another “man in black” joins him)

MYSTERY MAN:
Check her car

OTHER MAN:
Yes sir.



MYSTERY MAN:
Give him the keys. Now. Or Mr Jones comes with us.

(April reluctantly hands over her keys to the man, he walks out of the front door)

APRIL:
Sir?

MYSTERY MAN:
Agent Bishop. F.B.I

APRIL:
“Frightened Bastards Incorporated” to the average truth seeker

AGENT BISHOP:
And just what is the truth to you Miss O’Neil? The trigger to a much-needed revolution? Or a promising start to a life of mass media privileges? People like you are all the same, you use truth as a catapult, to launch yourselves into the stratosphere with no consideration for what goes on to keep the concerns of this city, the fears of this country, at rest and allow life as we all know it to go by just a little more peacefully

APRIL:
Your Big Brother attitude doesn’t scare me

AGENT BISHOP:
I was told specifically not to scare you Miss O’Neil, and I think I’ll keep to that promise.

(looks at Casey)

AGENT BISHOP:
…You I WILL scare.

CASEY:
Hey, I’ve been co-operating, but hey, you want to talk tough, I’ll show you tough

AGENT BISHOP:
Casey Jones. 28. High School drop-out. Went off the grid for four months before resurfacing in Detroit engaged in vigilante operations

CASEY:
Hey, some guys were messing up my aunt’s neighbourhood, the cops were doing nothi…

(Bishop cuts him off)

AGENT BISHOP:
…NOT Finished.

(continues)

AGENT BISHOP:
…Police in the area didn’t approve but they took a strong shine to you ‘cause you gave them a few weeks off dealing with the scum it was THEIR job to take out, so despite their better judgement they booked you for a mere two week stretch in jail in exchange for an immediate cease-and-desist upon release. Desist you did, but you couldn’t quite quit the knack to make a difference, you got more than desperate for release, you got drunk ,started bar brawls with as many unsavoury souls as you could meet thinking noone was watching, but I ASSURE you Mr. Jones, you were watched.

You Impressed a girl around the same time...Her name was Gabrielle. A few drinks later, you two were flying, got serious, but for you and your attitudes, a month was an eternity too long. You ended things with her, but left your mark in more ways than one. She comes back a month later scarred with that mark, the scar’s gotten pretty big since then…in a few more months, it’s clawing it’s way out of that body, and it’ll be wondering just what kind of man etched it’s form into flesh?

(Bishop turns to April)

BISHOP:
…Your next exclusive is to tell the enlightening story of how a punk like this was able to walk the straight and narrow long enough to see his legacy come into the light…failure to keep your eyes solely on HIM and NOTHING ELSE will lead your man directly into the darkness on the charges I brought up earlier as well as a hell lot more. .

(Bishop’s fellow agent walks back into the front door and hands Bishop the robot)

BISHOP:
Thanks Berger.

(Bishop makes his exit, Berger following him)

BISHOP:
Have a nice life Miss O’Neil

(They leave. April is distraught, she is trying to keep her cool, but the events of the day, coupled with the tiring hours she spent driving back home, begin to take their tolls. Casey tries to settle her down)

CASEY:
April..I…

APRIL:
…I had it. I had it all. The perfect story. The perfect moment…,my god Casey…what did I do?

CASEY:
It’s ok, you can let it out

APRIL:
LET IT OUT? Casey, I…just wanted people to know how a few dumb buildings were coming down, I didn’t expect THIS. ANY of this. And now he’s going to do stuff to YOU if I press further with…with

(April finally looses it, she grabs the nearest thing she can find, a lamp, raises it above her head, and savagely drops it to the floor. Rattled, she starts to get teary-eyed. Casey walks over and embraces her. April breaks down. The phone suddenly starts ringing)

APRIL:
Who is that?

CASEY:
Nobody. Nothing. It’s just you and me right now. Ok? Don’t let the world into your life just yet. C’mon.


SAMPLE SIX



THE TURTLES LAIR

(We journey into another part of the Turtles’ lair, into a DARKENED TUNNEL, ALIGHT WITH SCENTED CANDLES, Leonardo can be seen seated on a TORN VELVET CARPET, locked in a MEDATATIVE POSE, HIS EYES CLOSED. A CALM, ANCIENT, AND EMPOWERING VOICE, SPEAKS TO HIM FROM THE SHADOWS, it is the Turtles teacher, their MASTER)

MASTER (VOICE):
Speak your mind Leonardo. What do you possess this day? Knowledge…or concern

LEONARDO:
Concern master

MASTER (VOICE):
It is always concern, you are letting it cloud your learning.

LEONARDO:
My brothers grow curiouser by each passing month Master, curious about the world, about how humans thrive up there, they are developing traits shared by humans, traits that you have not taught us.

MASTER (VOICE):
There is more to the mighty current than just the simple stream

LEONARDO:
…I am afraid my brothers will be swept from the stream and head down the mightiest of waterfalls. I cannot embrace my more crucial lessons until I am confident all will join me in learning them

MASTER (VOICE):
Perhaps it is you that needs to join THEM

LEONARDO:
…I…I cannot Master. I feel we belong in the dark. We are shadows.

MASTER (VOICE):
All shadows have some shape, all shadows have the same colour. All shadows move in silence, but some shadows can be clearly seen, some even wish to be. There will come a time where all of my sons will give shape to theirs

LEONARDO:
But when is the right time?

MASTER (VOICE):
The time has come for time itself to wait as patiently as you have

I should point out that these samples arent neccersarily in chronological order.

[ZariusTwo]

Added some promotional artwork (something incredibly simple, I'm not Picaso where this is concerned:lol:)

[ZariusTwo]

Rats, had to do some proof-reading on this, my dyslexia got the better of me at some points:ohwell:

Update time

New bit of promotional artwork and another script sample.

SAMPLE SEVEN

SUBURBAN NEIGHBOURHOOD
NIGHT

(Back at the suburban neighbourhood that is frequented by Michelangelo, Mrs Ester is providing young Zack with some candy treats)

MRS. ESTER:
Here you go Zack. Should be enough for all your friends here

ZACK:
Thanks ma’am

MRS ESTER:
It’d be nice if I could meet this friend of yours, getting back my valuables shouldn’t go without a proper thank you.

ZACK:
I’ll let him know how grateful you are.

MRS ESTER:
…You sure it’s wise to hang out with someone who’s such a mystery?

ZACK:
If you ever met him, I think you’d understand why he prefers his privacy. All I know is he’s always come through for us as a friend

MRS ESTER:
Well if he’s got your approval, he’s earned mine. You run along now, summer vacation’s over, you’ve got school to think about.

ZACK:
Thanks for the treats, see ya

(He runs off, heading in the direction of Klunk’s Avenue, where his friends are being entertained by Michelangelo, who is telling them a story)

MICHELANGELO:
…And then, with the gateway to their home dimension rapidly closing, Kirby turned to the gallant Donny and told him to go in ahead of him. Donny complied, but as he returned home, there was only enough room left for a small piece of paper to be sent through, a note that said very little, but whose message meant a big It read “Don, life at best is bittersweet…Kirby”

(One of the kids, a girl, dries her eyes)

GIRL:
That was beautiful.

(another kid, male, isn’t impressed)

BOY:
Gay.



MICHELANGELO:
Oh c’mon, it was totally “band of brothers”

BOY:
You talked about flaky Vikings and rainbow bridges man

MICHELANGELO:
It’s a FANTASY

BOY:
That’s why I can’t take to it. Not anything I can relate to.

MICHELANGELO:
In reality, a lot of stories have the same bittersweet endings, fantasy’s just a better way of coping with something you might not be able to handle if push comes to shove.

BOY:
I can handle anything.

MICHELANGELO:
You screamed like a girl when you met me for the first time.

BOY:
That’s what they did in E.T. Didn’t stop the kid rising to the occasion and saving the day later did it? That’s me

MICHELANGELO:
…What’s an E.T?

BOY:
Extreme Twit where you’re concerned

(the kids laugh, Michelangelo gets ups and towers over the boy)

MICHELANGELO:
So…you’ve got a real high opinion of yourself. A bit of a critic aint’cha? Well here’s how I best deal with criticism

(Michelangelo starts playfully wrestling with the kid, grabbing him in a headlock and giving him a loogie)

BOY:
Hey, cut it out…

(he starts to laugh, so does Mike and the others, Zack shows up with the treats)

[ZariusTwo]

Two illustrations inspired by scenes in my fanfilm script

First, one from Casey Jone's introduction

http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/263/4/c/casey_jones__tmnt_fanfilm__by_zt4-d5fcalz.png

And Leonardo from the Turtles battle in the park

http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/263/9/9/evasive_manuvers_in_the_park__tmnt_fanfilm__by_zt4-d5fd87b.png

Leonardo and Splinter have a conversation while Don works away in his lab

http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/264/3/5/leonardo__splinter__and_don__tmnt_fanfilm__by_zt4-d5fev5a.png

[ZariusTwo]

Update time!

Whew, 70 Pages in with more to come, but things are finally coming together, as I finally got to the scene April meets the Turtles face to face. This is where the story kicks into higher gear, as next comes our first meeting with Splinter, Casey fends off home invaders, and one of Shredder's "pet" projects visits a kindly old woman, prompting Mikey into action! It's all yet to come in this script.

For now, enjoy another sample, taken from April and Irma's first meeting with Donatello and Raphael, when the four are interupted by two armed thugs, what kind of fireworks will ignite?

IRMA:
April let’s get out of here…

APRIL:
Not without my story

1ST MAN:
Can it broad.

(he turns to his friend)

1ST MAN (instructing him to go after Raph)
Take him

2ND MAN:
He’s armed man.

1st MAN:
You heard his pal, there scared of this getting out of hand, he won’t dice ya, take him. I’ll get what I want from the chicks

(his friend plucks up the courage to do as instructed, he slaps himself in the face a few times to zone himself up, he shakes his head, lets out a yell, and charges Raph. Just as he approaches him, Raph KICKS HIM VICIOUSLY IN THE STOMACH, and RAMS HIS RIGHT ELBOW DOWN ON HIS BACK, he steps over the shattered man and heads towards his partner, but he grabs Irma)

APRIL:
Hey! Let her go!

( he slowly but surely begins to back out of the alley with Irma)

1ST MAN:
You’re not a good enough general for this war pal, now it’s gonna escalate.

RAPHAEL:
Go ahead. Test my speed, I may just surprise ya

1ST MAN:
One step further and her neck slides clean off

(Raph stalls. Unsure of what to do, the man sneers, he thinks he has the upper hand.

SUDDENLY, Donatello DASHES UP TO RAPH, LEAPS ONTO RAPH’S SHOULDERS, AND JUMPS OFF, CLENCHING A FIST IN MID-AIR AND COMING DOWN ON TOP OF THE THUG.

Irma is released from the man’s grip as his and Donatello’s bodies collide and fall down onto the hardened concrete. Donatello’s hat falls off as Irma rushes to April’s side. As Donatello pins the thug to the ground and holds him long enough for Raphael to take over, Irma observes the activity and is keen to comment)

IRMA:
Pfft, and you said they were Turtles

(Donatello turns around, his face completely exposed. Sure enough, April’s suspicions are confirmed. They ARE Turtles.

Irma stares upon it and begins to SCREAM IN PANIC. April quickly covers Irma’s mouth with her right hand.

The thug begins to stir, Raph HEADBUTTS HIM, knocking him out. Raph takes one of his sais and hovers it over the thug’s left eye. Donatello reacts to this in an alarmed fashion)

DONATELLO:
What are you doing?

RAPHAEL:
I reckon this guy could do with seeing a lot less of the world he’s in…might even open up his senses

DONATELLO:
He’s not a threat anymore, leave it be. Stay calm, center yourself, this is not what our sensei taught us.

(Raph sighs, and puts his sais away, stashing them in his jacket pocket)

RAPHAEL:
Yeah, yeah, I know the drill, just wishful thinking

(He addresses April and Irma, the latter still being held back from screaming by her friend)

RAPHAEL:
What do we do with these two?

DONATELLO:
Depends on what they want to do…your call Miss O’Neil. If you choose to run, we won’t try to stop you.

RAPHAEL;
Yeah but we’re compromised…

DONATELLO (putting his foot down)
..We WON’T stop you

APRIL:
I’m not going anywhere. You’re…you’re…so unreal, but…I was right…see Irma? I was ABSOLUTELY right

IRMA (Muffled)
Ok, ok, you’re right, Lemme go, I’m cool…I’m cool

APRIL:
…Promise?

IRMA:
Promise

(April releases her grip, Irma, still a little shaken, stays close to her friend as Donatello walks over)

DONATELLO:
Didn’t mean to startle you ma’am

IRMA:
…Didn’t mean to cry out for help because the martians were clearly invading Mister.

DONATELLO:
Please, just call me Donatello

IRMA:
I think I’ll stick with maritan

[BubblyShell22]

Wow. This is an awesome script, Zarius. I really like it, especially Leo's and Splinter's conversation. It was just so spot on and something they'd discuss. Nicely done on this so far. I'll be eagerly awaiting more.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks for your poitive comments Bubbly, I appreciate it. It's been a bit since I worked on this so it's nice to know someone's paying attention to it.:)

[BubblyShell22]

No problem, Zarius. I'm always happy to lend my support and review when I feel something is good.

[Blossombrooks]

I love the Irma comment at the end there! Made me smile. This is good, there's a really nice genuine interplay between the characters.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks for the kind words. I'm cramming a lot of characters into this, from all aspects of the franchise, I'm quite keen to make them all have a part to play here.

[ZariusTwo]

Another sample, while it's taken from a much deeper portion of the story, it doesnt spoil much. Donatello meets a certain scientist we ALL should know by now..

MAXWELL:
Ah, and here’s the man behind the magic…Donatello, Doctor Baxter Stockman. Baxter, Donatello

(Baxter does not make eye contact with Donatello, instead turning to Max)

BAXTER STOCKMAN:
Max, I thought we agreed you weren’t to touch me

MAXWELL:
…I got excited Baxter

BAXTER:
…Sir

MAXWELL:
I’m your BOSS Baxter

(Baxter, stern as a stone, repeats himself)

BAXTER:
…SIR.

(He motions to grab Maxwell by his shirt collar. Maxwell puts both hands up)

MAXWELL:
Sir. Sir ok? Now, if you’d care to say hello to…

BAXTER:
…No.

MAXWELL:
No?

BAXTER STOCKMAN:
I don’t do interims.

MAXWELL:
There not interims. There intruders. But they're NICE intruders.

BAXTER:
Procedure is NOT kind to intruders. Why arent you dealing with them?

(Donatello taps Baxter on the shoulder)

DONATELLO:
..Erm, sir?

(Baxter freezes. His face becomes increasingly stoney. He closes his eyes briefly and tries to compose himself)

MAXWELL:
…****.

BAXTER:
…He touched me.

DONATELLO:
…Yeah. I did. That happened.

BAXTER:
…He’s an intruder and he touched me.

MAXWELL:
Baxter I think you should just….

(Baxter gets further into Maxwell’s face)

BAXTER:
You let an intrusive and unpredictable element touch a senior member of your personnel, putting our security, specifically MINE, at risk. Are you going to stand for that?

MAXWELL:
Baxter, just please turn around and…

BAXTER:
…And what? And WHAT Maxwell? Stare in awe at this latest bungling on your watch? Fine, just WATCH me turn around and deal with...

(He freezes when he sees Donatello up close)

BAXTER STOCKMAN:
…Oh crap.

DONATELLO:
…Hi. I come in peace. Don’t worry

MAXWELL:
Baxter, meet Donatello.

(he extends his hand. Baxter shakes it)

BAXTER:
A pleasure to meet you.

DONATELLO:
Likewise.

BAXTER:
You’re a Turtle. A big…green, scaly, mutant…Turtle. I really am not pleased. I’m terrified.

MAXWELL:
..And, unfortunately, very honest.

BAXTER :
But very formal.

DONATELLO:
I’m sure the fear’ll pass

BAXTER:
Don’t bet on it.

(Maxwell claps both hands loudly, trying to break the tension)

MAXWELL:
Right…now that we’ve…cleared the air, let’s get to talking shall we?

BAXTER:
You’re letting him walk. Now you’re letting him talk. To me.

MAXWELL:
Yes Baxter, you’re the most qualified to answer his questions

BAXTER:
..You’re letting a giant, mutant scaly Turtle ask questions about this establishment?

MAXWELL:
Yes.

BAXTER;
…Right. Right. Of course. Fine. Who am I to judge? Come with me freak

DONATELLO:
Pardon?

BAXTER:
…GEEK. Come with me GEEK. I was talking to him.

(points to Maxwell)

DONATELLO:
But he’s your boss

BAXTER;
And?

[BubblyShell22]

Wow. This was great. You have one mistake though. There should be they're as in they are. Other than that, good job. Can't wait to see more.

[ZariusTwo]

Wow. This was great. You have one mistake though. There should be they're as in they are. Other than that, good job. Can't wait to see more.

Ah right, thanks for the correction. I've fixed it up now.

Glad you enjoyed that. Baxter's been a lot of fun to write.

[BubblyShell22]

No problem. Always glad to help out a fellow writer.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample. Leonardo finally gets quality time to spend with one of his brothers...unfortunatly, that brother uses it as a platform to talk about his favourite spy movie.

INT: SEWER NETWORK

(In another part of the sewer hub, we rejoin Leonardo. His eyes are shut, he is taking deep breths. Suddenly, a pair of green fingers shaped like a gun point themselves to the side of Leo’s temple. It is Michelangelo)

MICHELANGELO:
Take the shot 007!

LEONARDO:
Mikey, please, you’re supposed to sit down and take in the experience…

MICHELANGELO:
Take the shot, what are you waiting for?

(Leo sighs)

LEONARDO:
Why do you have to do this every time I bring THIS out?

(he points to what he has in a GREY CASE opposite him. He opens it up. There, inside the case, is a BEAUTIFUL, THOUGH SLIGHTLY SCRATCHED, CELLO)

MICHELANGELO:
It’s not every day you get to see magic

LEONARDO:
It’s a CELLO, it’s a musical instrument…what does it do other than help sooth wild souls to assured stillness?

MICHELANGELO:
You can use it as a sleigh too. C’mon, we can try it down the stream just south of us

LEONARDO:
We are not riding this down any stream. Cellos are meant to be played and enjoyed, not be part of some wayward attempt to imitate some spy film

MICHELANGELO:
The Living Daylights is THE Spy film

LEONARDO:
And just why is that?

MICHELANGELO:
It’s got a back and forth plot where the good guys are not so clearly defined, you got fake assasinationss, you got this awesome looking car that rockets across a snow-covered landscape, you got that insane General and his action figure death machines

(starts making machine gun noises and mimics small explosions. Leonardo groans)

MICHELANGELO:
…And then there’s the tussel in the airplane, and the guy grabs Bond’s shoe and falls to his death WITH the shoe

(Mike flaps his arms about, simulating freefalling in the air)

LEONARDO:
I shouldn’t have asked.

(Mikey stops, folds his arms behind his back and leans towards Leo with a big grin on his face)

MICHELANGELO:
…And then of course there’s Cello girl.

LEONARDO:
Cello girl?

MICHELANGELO:
Bond’s girlfriend in the film. Well, she’s technically the girlfriend of the bad guy, but he starts treating her badly and she falls for Bond half-way through the movie. Really good looker too.

LEONARDO:
I’m trying to salvage something from this…but is the cello used for anything other than a sleigh and being the instrument of choice for a generic Bond chick”

MICHELANGELO:
Oh it gets played through the movie. Everything stops when that happens though

LEONARDO:
Good, I like it when everything stops.

(Leonardo lifts up the cello and makes preperations to play it. Mikey realizes the conversation has shifted in Leo’s favour, and his face begins to sag)

LEONARDO:
Sit down Mikey, and prepare to be left a little more cultured…

(Mikey sighs, and sits down, he places one hand on the right side of his face and looks on at Leo with a bored expression.

Leonardo begins to smile, relishing the captive audience of one. Just as he is about to perform however, Mikey sits upright, hearing something…voices)

MICHELANGELO:
Hey, I think the guys are back

(Leonardo is more than a little annoyed as Mikey gets up and dashes for the nearest exit tunnel)

LEONARDO:
Mikey, this is “WE” Time…

MICHELANGELO (shouting back as he continues to run)
It’ll be less of a drag if we’re all sitting down to hear ya play

LEONARDO (Muttering to himself):
Yeah, all so you can make faces and pester everybody while there trying to listen…

(Leonardo takes a look at the Cello, and gently places it down. An opportunity lost. It is now his turn to look glum and down-heartened)

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome interaction. You have two mistakes though: Breathes should be breaths and chelo should be cello. Other than that, good job. I really like where this is going.

[ZariusTwo]

Awesome interaction. You have two mistakes though: Breathes should be breaths and chelo should be cello. Other than that, good job. I really like where this is going.

Thanks. For some reason my word document programme didnt pick up on the mispelling of Cello. Will fix the other mistake. Glad you're enjoying it. I'm getting the script done a lot faster due to encouragement and advise.

[BubblyShell22]

Ah, I see. Bad word document. Bad!

Yeah, I've been getting a lot of stories done myself. Can't wait to post more stuff. I definitely want to post my sequel to Hide and Seek on Friday for sure.

[ZariusTwo]

Ah, I see. Bad word document. Bad!

Yeah, I've been getting a lot of stories done myself. Can't wait to post more stuff. I definitely want to post my sequel to Hide and Seek on Friday for sure.

Looking forward to it. I've also got another TMNT-related project in the works...and it's not the one I told you about over on FF.Net:)

[BubblyShell22]

Ah, I see. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it myself, but it depends on my mood. We're supposed to get rain tomorrow, so I don't know if I'll have a headache or not. That usually determines whether I post stuff or not.

[ZariusTwo]

Another sample, this one actually takes place just a few minutes after the last one I posted, rightafter Mikey meets April and Irma (and in the process of "dropping in" on them, injures his toe, explaining why he's hopping about in this scene), Leonardo isnt far behind...leading to a tense moment

LEONARDO:
Back away from them Don. Slowly.

DONATELLO:
Leo, calm down, they're with us. This is April O’Neil. Remember? From the park?

LEONARDO:
You were told about this.

DONATELLO:
Leo, we need her help

LEONARDO:
We need noone.

(April steps forward, extending her hand)

APRIL:
Hey, I’d like to thank you for saving my…

(Leo swings his blade in her direction)

LEONARDO:
Take your friend and go.

(Raph places his hand on the blade and aggressively presses it down)

RAPHAEL:
Back off Leo. You heard Donny, she…

(Leonardo propels the blade up again, placing it directly below Raph’s chin. Raph is unphased)

LEONARDO:
Don’t push it Raph.

RAPHAEL:
Push? I don’t push Leo…I prod

(he removes his trench coat and swiftly unveils his sais, and, sure enough, prods Leo’s hand with them. Leo backs away slightly, positioning to attack)

APRIL:
Hey, HEY, I didn’t ask for this, let’s all cool our jets here

IRMA:
…Are you guys on the same side or not?

(Raph and Leo move about in a circle, weapons in hand, eyes fixated on the other)

RAPHAEL:
What do you say Leo?

LEONARDO:
We don’t say anything at this stage. There is only action.

RAPHAEL:
I don’t see you making any moves.

(Leo points to April and Irma)

LEONARDO:
If those two take another step further, I move in.

RAPHAEL:
And you’ll be stopped

LEONARDO:
Not by you.

(Raph notices something...he smiles)

RAPHAEL:
…You’re right. Not by me.

(April backs away slightly)

RAPHAEL:
,Move forward April

LEONARDO:
I’m warning you.

RAPHAEL:
Move April.

APRIL:
I’m not…

(Raphael motions for her to look to her right. She does. She gilmpses something. She catches on and nods to Raph, confirming that she understands. She grabs Irma’s hand and clutches it tightly)

APRIL:
Come on Irma. It’s safe

IRMA:
…He probably would hit someone with glasses April…ah why the hell not?

(EXTREME CLOSE-UPS of Leonardo and Raphael’s faces through SPLIT-SCREENS, sweat glands dripping down their foreheads, they tighten their hold on their weapons)

LEONARDO:
I’m warning you Raph. You try me, you WILL lose. This isn’t a game.

RAPHAEL:
You’re right. It isn’t….

(April and Irma move forward. Leonardo dashes for them…suddenly, Michelangelo, still hopping about the place in pain with his injured toe, SMASHES HEAD FIRST INTO LEONARDO. The Two turtles spill onto the ground, Leo’s blade drops also. Raphael takes the opportunity to laugh at Leo’s humiliation)

RAPHAEL (finishing his sentence):
…It’s totally a cartoon.

(Leonardo looks on at a dazed and baffled Mikey)

MICHELANGELO:
Sorry Leo…

(Leo shakes his head and shoves Mikey off of him, he brushes himself off)

LEONARDO:
…This doesn’t settle things Raph.

(Raph picks up the blade and aims squarely at Leo’s head)

RAPHAEL:
You’re right…school’s still in session. But we can get a time out over one simple word….just say it

LEONARDO:
Put that down you idiot

RAPHAEL:
Not until you say it.

(Leonardo staes Raph down again. Raph’s teeth grit.

SUDDENLY, A VOICE RINGS OUT)

VOICE:
RAPHAEL! STAND DOWN!

(Leonardo smiles. Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo, April and Irma all look upwards. HIGH ABOVE THEM, IN THE CENTER OF THE TUNNE HIGH ABOVE, AN OMNOUS FIGURE CLOACKED IN SHADOW ADDRESSES THEM.

Donatello instantly recognizes the shadow. Each Turtles’ reaction is different, some filled with alertness (Don), joy (Mikey), reassurance (Leo), and dread (Raph))

DONATELLO:
SPLINTER

MICHELANGELO:
…Papa.

LEONARDO:
Sensei.

RAPHAEL:
Grounded.

(Raphael drops the blade. Leonardo picks it up and places it back in his shell. He gets up. The figure, identified in name as SPLINTER, remains barely visible to April and Irma)

SPLINTER:
What is this about?

LEONARDO:
Two of your sons have returned from the surface…they have brought humans with them…

(Mikey cuts him off)

MICHELANGELO:
Hey lemme tell the story…ok papa, Leo was all like “I gotta play”, and I’m like “yawn”, then I hear “yatter yatter” so I totally go “Geronimo”, I hit the floor, BAM, then…

(points to April)

MICHELANGELO (cont):
…I go “Va Va VOOM”

(April laughs)

MICHELANGELO:
…Then…

(points to foot)

MICHELANGELO:
…Ouch.

LEONARDO:
You done?


MICHELANGELO:
…Very ouch.

(another awkward pause)

MICHELANGELO:
Ok. Totally done.

LEONARDO:
…I tried to prevent them advancing. There was insurrection.

DONATELLO:
Master, this woman can help us join the dots and help me unravel more about the great struggle Raph went through some nights ago. It could help to save more lives affected by that foe.

LEONARDO:
This is not our concern.


SPLINTER
And what is our concern Leonardo?

LEONARDO:
Inevitability

SPLINTER:
Do they prepare us…or do we prepare them?

APRIL;
Look, me and my friend came down here voluntarily, we’re not asking for trouble

SPLINTER:
Then I shall ask for your company

LEONARDO:
But Master…

SPLINTER:
Remember what I told you about time, for it has been patient enough. Now we must make time for others

RAPHAEL:
Well it’s about time

DONATELLO:
Well that was timely

(Donatello and Raph move past a dumbstruck Leonardo and begin scaling the ladder leading back to the higher tunnel. Mikey hops over to it but can’t put weight down on his foot)

MICHELANGELO:
Um…guys? STILL Ouch

(April approaches him, she places her hands on his foot and examines it)

APRIL;
Here, let me look at it, I did physical therapy at college.

IRMA:
April, you don’t know where he’s been…

APRIL:
He went through hell in the park for me Irma, the least I can do is offer him relief from this.

(Mikey sits down, April does a little bit of tweeking and twisting with his injured toe. In next to no time, the pain is lifted. Mikey wiggles it a little, then a lot, then jumps up with a spring in his step, he twirls around)

APRIL:
Better?

MICHELANGELO:
Right as Rain

(he motions to scramble up the ladder, but politely makes way for April as she approaches it, he gives her a courtesy bow)

MICHELANGELO:
Miracles first.

APRIL:
Thankyou Mike…Micha…sorry, what’s your full name again?

MICHELANGELO:
Stick with Mike. Everybody else does.

APRIL:
Mike it is.

(she climbs the ladder, Mikey follows, as does Irma, who comments on the situation)

IRMA:
A Martian with a name that doesn’t sound like a deviant art account. Who says this ancient universe doesn’t adjust?

(they all move up the ladder except Leo, who is the last to do so)

LEONARDO:
They're making a big mistake.

[ryu238]

I think Leo was a bit too harsh here, otherwise you are a fantastic script writer.

[ZariusTwo]

I think Leo was a bit too harsh here.

There's a storyline reason why he's like that, all will become clear.

[BubblyShell22]

Ooh, awesome job on this. Loved the stand off with Leo and Raph. You have a few mistakes though. There with us should be they're with us, ackward should be awkward, and there making a mistake should be they're making a mistake. Other than that, good job. I can't wait to read more.

[ZariusTwo]

"There's only one P in rapist Lois"[/Perry White]

Thanks for keeping me informed of my errors Bubbly, will fix them up.

[BubblyShell22]

No problem. Always happy to help out with that.

[ZariusTwo]

A scene from much earlier in the film, in which we meet someone addressed in the script as "Bebop's Boss", but you all know what THAT means


INT: WAREHOUSE

(Bebop walks into the dimly lit innards of the warehouse compound. A SNOOKER TABLE is situated in the Middle of the room, while a HUB OFSURVELANCE MONITORS can be seen stationed on the SECOND FLOOR. Bebop sees a few HEAVIES scattered around the room, some playing Snooker, one of them has a guitar strapped to him. Another is shining up what appears to be a RIFLE. Each of the men give Bebop cold and eagle-eyed stares. There is TREMENDOUS TENSION in the room.

On one of the many monitors, we see Bebop’s lackeys being led away by POLICE via a FIRST-PERSON WEBCAM PERSPECTIVE. Bebop looks up. Someone, a figure attired in a BROWN COAT, BLACK TROUSERS, his hair is SMOOTH, HALF-SHAVEN, LIKE A MILITARY CUT. He is wearing a HEAVY METALLIC FACEPLATE COVERING HIS FEATURES AND JAW-LIN. Attached to his right hand is a GAUNTLET, with TWO SHARP BLADES ATTACHED

The monitors show, still in first-person POV, one of the captured theives being FORCED up against the side of a POLICE CAR, the arresting officers begin to examine something on the back of his neck

The figure in the metal mask delicately moves a finger towards a button on the CENTRAL CONSOLE in front of him, and flicks a switch.

Bebop suddenly REACTS as an ELECTRIC SHOCK stuns him. The first-person POV on the monitors also indicates the captured theif being examined is also suffering from the same disorientation. Finally, the images on the monitors go completely blank.

Bebop reaches for the back of his neck and TEARS OFF a small METALLIC CIRCULAR OBJECT with an INFRA-RED LENS. It appears to be short-circuiting, producing tiny sparks. He tosses it on the floor.
The man in the metal mask, seemingly THE MASTER OF THE HOUSE, BEBOP‘S BOSS so to speak, rises from his seat)

BEBOP’S BOSS:
New York City is part of a land. A land of plenty. Rich in abundance with whatever you need to survive the harsh conditions of this unkind thing we call existence….why is it, that you return…with nothing?

BEBOP:
There was hardly anything worth taking from where you sent us.

BEBOP’S BOSS
A pity it was YOU that returned…you with so little detail…I am most disappointed in Shark, it was his assignment, he should have informed you of the true reason I sent you to that specific address.

BEBOP;
I told you, there was nothing. We found Trinkets. A watch, a photograph, some…

BEBOP’S BOSS:
Photograph?

BEBOP:
…Yeah. Some teenager. Probably the old broad’s son. But like I said, nothing valuable.

(This sets off the master, he MARCHES down the staircase. The assembled men quickly scatter. The figure steps into the delicate light area, Bebop takes a few steps back, which angers the figure more, he walks faster, Bebop, as if realizing his mistake, holds himself still, but it is not enough to save him from unimaginable pain and unendurable punishment. His master THRUSTS one of his RIGHT GAUNTLETS into Bebop’s shoulder. Bebop yells, he is clearly in great pain. His boss begins to pick up speed, RAMMING Bebop into the wall with his gauntlet still embedded in the shoulder area)

BEBOP’S BOSS:
You are deaf. Even to the voiceless. We are all children of someone. Some have great stature, some have made minimal impact. In the end, it is the connections that strengthen our bonds with reality, it is unification that provides us with motivation, to strive to be better than what we are without a past, without a link, and without…hope. A photograph is a vital, visual link to the past, it can affect the memories and aspirations of the present, and shape the future. The future, our most vital of treasures, a priceless piece of insight…

(he twists the gauntlet ever so slightly)

BEBOP’S BOSS:
…Something you…clearly…lack

(Slowly, his boss removes his gauntlet from Bebop’s wounded shoulder. Bebop slumps to the floor. The master turns to his underlings, and gives a simple order)

BEBOP’S BOSS:
Prepare him

(Two of the heavies at the snooker table leave their posistion and walk over to the row of grey canisters. Scooping up one of them, they move in on Bebop.

They drag him away towards another roo. Bebop, realizing his fate is sealed, cries out)



BEBOP:
I DIDN’T KNOW MAN! NOBODY TOLD ME! NOBODY TOLD ME!

(his boss addresses the remainder of the men)

BEBOP’S BOSS:
Send someone else over tomorrow. We need to have proper identification

(the heavy with the guitar speaks out)

GUITAR MAN:
Should we be as “direct” as last time?

BEBOP’S BOSS:
No. No, it hasn’t worked, we’ve lost two men. Progress softly

(he stares upwards at the monitors as they replay the entire fight between Shark, Bebop, their friend, and Michelangelo)

BEBOP’S BOSS:
And find out all you can about this…freak.

[Blossombrooks]

Wow, excellent scene! I actually feel really sorry for Bebop, can't wait to read some more. :)

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome job on this. You have two mistakes: Collum should be column and the strive to be better should be to strive to be better. Other than that, good job. I feel sorry for Bebop as well. Sounds like they either killed him or tortured him. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks Bubbly.

All I can say is...Bebop isnt being killed or tortured...it's something worse

[ryu238]

Something worse than torture or death? Yikes. Also great work as usual, please update sooner please.

[ZariusTwo]

Something worse than torture or death? Yikes. Also great work as usual, please update sooner please.

Luckily there's enough in the script right now to cover more immediate updates, but if there is a longer gap, please try to understand it's due to my other commitments.

Anyway, back to samples, and I've got TWO of 'em.

Casey recieves a housecall while sinister forces make preperations...

CUT TO:
INT: APRIL’S HOME

(Back at April’s house, Casey is lying down on the sofa staring at the ceiling. There is a SUDDEN KNOCK AT THE DOOR. Casey jumps up, alert, he swings his legs over the sofa, and ends up crashing them into the assorted heap of books and coffe mugs on the table. He looks at the mess briefly, before the knocks on the door repeat. He scrambles into the kitchen and grabs a sheet, darts back into the living room and drapes it over the mess on the floor. He combs his hair with his hands, using his own saliva to moisten it, and goes to open the door.

There, standing outside, is Gabrielle)

CASEY:
Hey…you’re here. You look…you look…

GABRIELLE:
Just be honest.

(Casey obliges)

CASEY:
…Pissed off.

GABRIELLE:
Cab driver didn’t know which street to comb, I ended up paying double the amount because he took so damn long. Was praying I started contractions just so he’d give me some kind of pity and spare me the pay-off.

CASEY:
Too bad you didn’t,. If he did, you could have named the kid “Mercy”

(Gabrielle doesn’t crack one grin)

CASEY:
“Mercy”…you know, nice, sound name…maybe put a French spin on it….

GABRIELLE:
Just let me in.

CASEY:
Oh sure, sure, right, by all means

(Gabrielle enters the house, she looks impressed by how well kept it is)

GABRIELLE:
Not a bad place.

(she spots the draped sheet on the floor of the living room)

GABRIELLE:
…Almost.

CASEY:
Decorators.

GABRIELLE:
Uh-huh.

CASEY:
…Would you like anything to drink?

GABRIELLE:
At this time of day?

CASEY:
…This isn’t like my pad Gabe, we DO have fruit juice.

GABRIELLE:
Alright. I’ll have that then

(she sits down on the sofa and spread herself out, taking deep breaths)

CASEY:
…You feeling ok?

GABRIELLE:
I’ve got your magic bean turning into a ****ing beanstalk, how do you THINK I feel?

CASEY:
Fair enough, fair enough

(he goes into the kitchen and looks through the fridge, he sees a half-empty bottle of orange and a purple concotion)

CASEY
Not much in here Gabby…we got some purple stuff

GABRIELLE:
Hit me with that. Never did like Sunny D.

CASEY:
Gotcha

(takes out the purple concoction and pours it into a glass)

GABRIELLE:
April’s blog being pulled made a few papers, so if you want to make the whole afternoon about how much grief you’re getting with her…

CASEY:
…Forget that. April can take care of her own problems.

GABRIELLE:
Oh. So it’s all about you again is it?

CASEY:
You’re a part of this too

GABRIELLE:
Yeah. Sad thing is it was by CHOICE.

CASEY:
I kinda got a scare recently. Made me reevaulate what I’m doing

GABRIELLE:
That skirmish you were involved in at the leisure centre’s car park finally snap your eyes open?

CASEY:
…How’d you know about that?

GABRIELLE:
C’mon Casey, your little attempt at playing Shia Lebuff was seen by every other zero you work with. I hang out in the places you keep April well away from remember?

CASEY:
Yeah, well…it wasn’t exactly that that woke me up

GABRIELLE:
So what was it?

CASEY;
Doesn’t matter. All I care about right now is making sure every interest is protected.

GABRIELLE:
…Nice to know you think I’m interesting.

CASEY:
I need a new job. I want you to help me look for one.

(Gabrielle laughs)

GABRIELLE:
Christ, you really are scared shitless.

(she looks at him, and sees the sincerity in Casey’s eyes, whatever he‘s trying to sell her, he means every word of it. Casey awkwardly scratches the back of his head)

CASEY:
What do you say Gabby?

GABRIELLE:
…Ok. Ok, if you really mean it, sure

(Casey hugs her)

CASEY:
You’re the best

GABRIELLE:
Then why do you always settle for the worst?

CASEY:
Oh behave yourself

(The two disengage from the hug and set themselves to work. As they scramble to clear up the mess on the floor, we ZOOM OUT of the living area’s main WINDOW and FOCUS on an EXTERIOR SHOT OF A BLACK VAN PARKED ON THE OTHER END OF THE ROAD. We CUT TO THE INTERIOR OF THE VAN)

INT: BLACK VAN
(Inside the van, a man, one of the men playing at the snooker table at Saki’s warehouse earlier, is seated at the driver’s seat, he looks over at April’s home, seated next to him is Rocksteady. Behind them, we can hear a faint HISS, and a GROWL, followed by HECTIC BANGING on the HEAVILY FORTIFIED BACK. Something is trying to get through)

ROCKSTEADY:
He’s restless in there. We need the order to go in soon before he attracts attention.

POOL MAN:
The order comes down tonight. Not before. Besides, O’Neil hasn’t turned up yet.

ROCKSTEADY:
Eliminating Jones would have a more permanent effect than giving O’Neil the luxuries of death.

MAN:
Is this eagerness to jump the gun for Bebop’s benefit or for yours?

(Rocksteady lights up a cigarette)

ROCKSTEADY:
Stick to your job and call it in Cue-Ball

(the man, identified by nickname as “Cue-Ball, takes out his cell phone and calls in to H.Q)

CUE-BALL:
Saki? Yeah…still no show from O’Neil. What’ll we do when we get to the allocated time?

(Cue-Ball hears and absorb unheard instructions. Rocksteady continues to smoke, looking at his reflection in the van’s mirror)

CUE-BALL:
…Ok. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah, I think he’ll keep. Thanks. Cue-Ball out.

(Cue-Ball puts the phone down and addressses Rocksteady)

CUE-BALL:
Saki says if she doesn’t turn up, we’re to go in anyway. Happy now?

(Rocksteady breaths out a whisp of smoke)

ROCKSTEADY:
Oh I’m good now. I am most definatly good.



And a (breif) excerpt from April's first face-to-face meeting with Spinter, just after he concludes a flashback to the Turtles origins

IRMA:
So…wait a minute, something doesn’t quite add up, and that’s saying a lot given this, ALL of this, doesn’t synch up with life in general…if you were always a rat before you “evolved“…how did your master teach you ANYTHING about Martial Arts? About the renaissance painters? Anything as complex and rich in history like that?

(Raph leans over and whispers to her)

RAPHAEL:
He doesn’t know

(Leonardo elbows Raph, having heard him)

LEONARDO:
Quiet.

SPLINTER:
The miracles provided by my master are well versed in secrecy, but locked deep within the complex matters of the mind, the solutions to those years of learning are beckoning. Constant meditation, constant preparation, has provided me many an insight into how my world functions, and what my master achieved…


APRIL:
You don’t have a clue do you?

SPLINTER:
…No.

[BubblyShell22]

Okay, this is great. I like where it's going. A few mistakes though. Besr should be best and worsr should be worst. Also, renascence should be Renaissance. Other than that, good job on this script. It's getting better and better each time. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ryu238]

Uh, i think you broke the suspension of disbelief by questioning how Splinter learned the martial arts.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks Bubbly, I take the full blame for the mispelling of "best" and "worst" (combination of typing too fast and a wonky keyboard that misses out some letters even when you press them), but I put "Renaissance" in the spellchecker and it came out like how it was spelt there. Obviously it got it wrong, will polish up.

Uh, i think you broke the suspension of disbelief by questioning how Splinter learned the martial arts.

Again, there's a reason for this.

[BubblyShell22]

No problem, Zarius. I can't believe your spellchecker did that. Pretty freaky. Good job though. Can't wait to see more.

[ZariusTwo]

A quickie sample, this time taking place before the flashback. Irma puts her foot in it

INT: TURTLES' LAIR

(The Turtles, April and Irma enter the Turtles' home. For the two women, it is an eye-opening experience, and, even though the place still looks by standard evaluation unkempt, they admire at least the effort to look like a structured accommodation)

DONATELLO:
Welcome to our humble little abode ladies.

IRMA:
…Wow. It’s homely I’ll give them that

APRIL:
This is so unreal…this place even has a bit of a fragrance to it.

RAPHAEL:
Yeah, our master’s keen on freshness. I’d rather have it full of teen spirit.

APRIL:
Speaking of your master, where is he? He kind of vanished once we reached the upper tunnels.

LEONARDO:
Probably in his chamber.

IRMA:
Really? I thought being in a place like this you could take a whiz anywhere…

(Leonardo glares at her)

LEONARDO:
His meditation chamber.

IRMA:
Oh. Oops.

[BubblyShell22]

Ah, Irma. Open mouth insert foot. Good job on this, Zarius. Only mistake I caught was that Turtles home should be Turtles' home.

[ryu238]

Can't really avoid toilet humor when the story moves into the sewer I suppose, thanks for the update.

[ZariusTwo]

Can't really avoid toilet humor when the story moves into the sewer I suppose, thanks for the update.

Don't worry, that's about as far as that kind of humor goes, just thought I'd throw one in there to break the tension.

Another sample, taken from the same scene

APRIL:
My story, I completely forgot about it.

(Donatello points to a corridor to the right of them)

DONATELLO:
Just down here April, I have what you want in my lab.

IRMA:
You have a lab? You Martians know what a lab is?

DONATELLO:
We CAN read and write Ms Langenstien

IRMA:
Call me Irma

DONATELLO:
Only if you stop calling us Martians.

IRMA:
Won’t do. You hate when I do that. I think that’s cute.

(Donatello pulls April aside)

DONATELLO:
Is she flirting with me?

I think I'll try to post snippets of a big action scene in the near future, so far the samples have been swamped with conversations.

[ryu238]

Fight scenes soon? Good.

[ZariusTwo]

I promised more action, and you're going to get it in another sample. This is from the latter stages of the film, where things have been going badly for the Turtles, and a revelation as to who's helped bring about their current struggles all too quickly lights a fire under Raphael...

INT: MAX’S OFFICE,

(Donatello and Raphael approach Max)

MAXWELL:
Don, Raph, what can I do for…

RAPHAEL:
Where’s Baxter?

MAXWELL:
In his lab. Why?

(Raph walks towards the glass door leading to the main labs)

DONATELLO:
Raph, wait…

(Raph ignores Don and walks through the door)

MAXWELL:
What’s this about?

(Donatello produces the chip taken from the mouser and deposits it on the desk)

DONATELLO:
Hook this up to your PC. Trace the route on the network.

INT: BAXTER’S LAB

(We find Baxter seated on a revolving chair, he is locked in conversation on the phone)

BAXTER:
…Yeah well if you could kindly tell Karai that if she wants the blueprints handed over to her contacts in China she’s going to have to reach deep down into her purse and…

(Baxter looks up. Raphael has entered the lab)

BAXTER (meekly):
...I’ll call you back.

(he puts the phone down. Raphael walks slowly up to him. Baxter‘s demeanour changes, he can sense the anger in the Turtle…and that he‘s been rumbled)

BAXTER:
…Oh. It’s you. Hi. Nice day.

(Raphael doesn’t answer. He is bottled up with anger. Baxter notices the mouser in his hand, and chooses the wrong moment to make light of the tension)

BAXTER:
…So…how’d the upgrade go?

(Raphael charges at Baxter and DECKS HIM WITH A STRAIGHT UPPERCUT, Baxter is THROWN off his seat. Raphael grabs him by the collar and throws ANOTHER punch)

RAPHAEL:
STAY DOWN! You snivelling little BASTARD

(Raphael viciously KICKS Baxter square in the gut as he tries to rise to his feet. Raphael grabs Baxter's head and SMACKS it off the floor, Baxter’s glasses are crushed in the impact)

RAPHAEL:
DON’T YOU TRY TO GET UP

(Raphael delivers another stern kick to Baxter’s head, before placing his right foot squarely on Baxter’s head, holding him down. Baxter futilely tries to break free of the grip, he tries to wiggle his arms, flapping them about helplessly, he also throws his legs about)

BAXTER:
Ah..god…stop! STOP! AHH

RAPHAEL:
Thought you could sweep us all under the rug did you? You hate the idea something like me can exist? I’ll make every fear you have come to fruitiion.

(he raises his foot and brings it down hard again on Baxter‘s head)

BAXTER:
DAMMIT…AW GOD

CUT TO
INT: MAX’S OFFICE

(Max and Donatello examine the Mouser network on the main computers, taking a look at the diverted channel. Max is horrified)

MAXWELL:
Holy ****, what’s he done?

(they hear a loud clutter of noise, a combination of broken glass, and hectic yelling)

MAXWELL:
What in hell’s colours was that?

DONATELLO:
We’d better get down there. NOW.

(Max reaches for the intercom)

MAXWELL:
Can I get security down at enhanced robotics please?

(Don heads towards the lab)

CUT BACK TO
INT: BAXTER’S LAB

(Raphael continues to inflict punishment on Baxter)

RAPHAEL:
Had enough?

BAXTER:
Nice to know…I have a say in this…

RAPHAEL:
I was asking MYSELF that question

(he kicks him again, then picks him up and head butts him, Baxter reels back, falling into another table full of glass beakers, which shatter upon impact)


RAPHAEL:
There’s something I‘m always asking of my brother…a word. Pretty simple one actually. I want you to say it.

BAXTER:
S-say what?

RAPHAEL:
Oh I didn’t expect you to know, you didn’t show ANY of it to us. DID you? But you’re a smart man, you’ll figure it out very quickly

(Baxter tries to slip by Raph, but the Turtle grabs him by the shoulder and slams him back on to the table, Raph produces one of his sais and aims it at Baxter’s eye)

RAPHAEL:
You can watch the birdie and pray it doesn’t eat worms…or you can say it

(Baxter shakes, visibly terrified, the sai gets closer)

RAPHAEL:
Say it!

(Donatello enters with Max and security guards, and spots what’s happening.)

DONATELLO;
RAPH!

(He runs up to Raph and restrains him, grabbing both of his hands)

RAPHAEL:
Let me go! He’s gotta pay

DONATELLO:
I know…I know, but not like this ok? This isn’t what we do.

RAPHAEL:
He led them to the lair…all of them, the damage done there…all down to him. We trusted him…and he sold us out

DONATELLO:
It’s ok. It’s ok

(Don lets Raph go, he sinks n despair, placing his head on one of the tables, and buries it in his hands. Donatello pats him on the back, and focuses on Baxter, who staggers back to his desk)

DONATELLO:
Why?

BAXTER:
Donny, man, you gotta keep that bro of yours in check…

DONATELLO:
Don’t play innocent, I’ve seen the trail you left on the network, why did you do it?

(Baxter slyly reaches into a concealed locker in his desk)

BAXTER:
What can I say?

(he pulls out a gun)

BAXTER:
…I’ve always thought this place could do with some re-branding.

(He produces the gun in clear view, Donatello quickly reacts and throws himself in front of Raph as Baxter pulls the trigger. Donatello and Raph hit the floor and crawl on all fours to a safe distance. Maxwell’s security guards exchange fire. Baxter ducks the blasts and returns more bullets as he makes his way to the back entrance, which in turn leads into another corridor. Maxwell checks on the two Turtles)

MAXWELL:
You guys ok?

DONATELLO:
Yeah, thanks

(Raph gets up and heads down the same route Baxter has taken)

MAXWELL:
Where are you going?

DONATELLO:
I’d better get after him. He’s hot in the head. Lock this area down, keep Baxter isolated.

(Donatello takes off after Raph. Maxwell beckons his security guards over)


MAXWELL:
DONNY, TAKE THESE GUYS WITH…

(He’s too late. Donatello has vanished down the corridor in pursuit of Raph, who in turn is in pursuit of Baxter)


MAXWELL:
…Great. Just…great.

[Blossombrooks]

Awesome! Really well written piece, as much as I like your Irma humour I think this has been my favourite excerpt so far. :D

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome job on this as always. I loved how Raph kicked Baxter's a**. You have one mistake though. Futility should be futilely. Other than that, good job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks Bubbly, although when rereading it, I found I actually made two mistakes, as I referred to Raph as Donatello at least twice. It's been fixed now.

[BubblyShell22]

Ah, I didn't catch that. My bad. But I'm glad you caught it, so that's cool.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample. I'm knee-deep in jotting out some action scenes right now, so here's another conversation-heavy peice where Mikey gets a little too nit-picky


RAPHAEL:
Do you have any idea who attacked that truck that night?

MAXWELL:
We’ve had our suspicions for a time, and the possibility of an investigation was brought up in the aftermath , but it was dropped as part of a need to disavow anything to do with our research. When our current project came up, someone in our employ believed, rightfully it now seems, that we may cause a bit of a noise with it, and that our enemies may strike again, so he offered up his services to trace information about them

LEONARDO:
Can you give us details on him?

MAXWELL:
Yes. Yes, if you feel it can help you.

MICHELANGELO:
Woah, wait a sec, brain freeze moment… you’re gonna trust the four of us mutated misfits, who are complete strangers to you, with classified information?

(April nudges him)

APRIL:
Don’t be so over-analytical Mike.

MAXWELL:
…You make a good point, but what can I say? You lot just have such honest faces

(Maxwell walks over to the computer mainframe on his desk and punches a few keys, opening up an index of photographs and names. Finally, Maxwell finds what he is looking for, and the image of an all too-familiar man appears. A man we recognize from the opening scenes)

MAXWELL:
Here we are. Delgado Prince. 35. He broke contact with us a few months ago and hasn’t showed up for work since.

(Raphael studies the photograph closely, he recognizes the face)

RAPHAEL:
Ah nuts.

MAXWELL:
You recognize him?

RAPHAEL:
Let’s just say we met on a disenchanted evening. Saved his tail from a robot.

MAXWELL:
Robot?

DONATELLO:
It’s a long story.

(he looks at the damaged mouser in his hand)

DONATELLO:
Can you can take us to where you manufacture these?

MAXWELL:
I don’t see the harm. Fine by me.

MICHELANGELO:
Woah…TWICE you let four strangers waltz around your base in a row? Why are you in charge of this place again?

(April nudges Michelangelo again)

APRIL:
Cut it out Mike

DONATELLO:
If it’s alright with you guys, I think I’m the best qualified for this. Leo will be distrustful of the slightest stare in his direction from strangers, Raph will get bored pretty easily, and Mike will just touch everything

(Michelangelo, who is now playing around with Maxwell’s computer, protests this)

MICHELANGELO:
I will not.

(Donatello sighs)

DONATELLO:
In your own time Mr. Hudson


(Maxwell gets up and leads Donatello into the door at the back)

MAXWELL:
This way please.

(they enter the door)

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome snippet. I liked it and didn't see any mistakes. Good job. I'l be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

I've went back and did a little rewriting on some scenes. Instead of April questioning where Splinter got his knowledge from, it's Irma, and I've given Shredder more of a distintivly familiar look in describing his apperance when he reprimands Bebop.

New sample

INT: DON’S WORKBENCH

(Donatello throws off the sheets concealing the robot, or what is left of it)

DONATELLO:
Ta-Da!

(There is an awkward silence as April analyzes it)

APRIL:
It’s a mess.

DONATELLO:
Of course it’s a mess. Raph wasn’t exactly formal in his waltz with it

APRIL:
It’s hi-tech, I’ll give you that. Far more complex than what I found. What do you want to do about this?

DONATELLO:
Blow the whistle on it in your next report.

APRIL:
I can’t. Feds brought the hammer down on my expos, that’s why my site was taken down in the first place

(Michelangelo suddenly bursts in, he’s sporting a TWIRLY FAKE MOUSTACHE)

MICHELANGELO:
Look, look…guess who I am?

DONATELLO:
I don’t even know what that thing is on your face

MICHELANGELO:
It’s called a disguise Don. Found a whole trunk of fancy-dress garments at the junkyard, figured we could go topside using whatever’s in there.

DONATELLO:
That’s it! Mikey, you’re a genius.

MICHELANGELO:
Great, it’s “talk like a pirate day” up top, I’ve got something that’ll fit you just right

DONATELLO:
I’m not touching anything you have in there, I mean you’ve just helped me work out what we can do to get April’s story out there.

APRIL:
Disguise?

(She realizes what Don means)

APRIL:
Break the story anonymously. Of course.

DONATELLO:
I’ve been working on some home brew websites down here, I can set you up with one on my laptop, you can use my old tape recorders to put the story together

MICHELANGELO:
You’ve had a laptop this whole time and you never told us?

DONATELLO;
You’re not the only one who searches the Junkyard. Wasn’t it in too bad shape, which it would have been if you guys found out about it.


APRIL:
Ok, you focus on getting the site prepped, I’ll prepare the report…but…

DONATELLO:
..But what?

APRIL;
I’ll need to disguise my voice somehow.

MICHELANGELO:
Just use mine. You write the lines, I’ll utter ‘em

APRIL:
Really? You’d do that for me?

MICHELANGELO:
Sure, I’ve got a voice radio is just dying for


APRIL:
How long will this take?

DONATELLO;
Depends on how quickly you can get that report prepped.

APRIL:
Let’s get to it then

(We PAN UP towards a Clock atop Donatello‘s lab, the time reads 5:45 PM. WE DISSOLVE FADE, REMAINING FIXED ON THE CLOC.K. It now reads 8:35 PM. We find April and Mikey are STILL trying to put together the report)

APRIL:
Take 45...and…go.

MICHELANGELO:
CYBORG KILLERS FROM PLANET X INVADE EARTH AS CITY SLEEPS! GOVERNMENT BAFFLED!

APRIL:
Cut, Cut, CUT

MICHELANGELO:
…Aw no fair, I finally nailed my 50s b-movie thriller narrative voice

APRIL:
…Planet X? Seriously?

MICHELANGELO:
Yeah, good call, “planet x“ is a little corny, it‘ll also attract the conspiracy nuts…I got it, Cyborg killers from DIMENSION X. How’s that for a hook?

(April groans., she turns over to Donatello)

APRIL
How’s the website going?

(Donatello presents the website, a custom blogspot called “T.N.N”)

DONATELLO:
It’s been ready for an hour. I was just waiting ‘till Mikey was off planet IN-FREAKING-SANE before telling you.

APRIL:
Right, we’re gonna try this one more time, and I don’t want to hear ONE utterance of “Planet X”, “Arc of the Covenant”, and especially nothing about life being an illusion for anyone who takes anything at the stroke of 4:20. Understood?

MICHELANGELO:
Can I at least keep my username?

APRIL:
Fine. Fine….just stick to the script I’ve got

(Mikey grins, and nods in agreement)

MICHELANGELO:
Alright cats, you’re listening to “Viral Shell-Shock” with the first edition of “T.N.N”, and we begin with a hot topic that you’re all being kept in the cold about…until now.[/quote]

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome job on this, and I agree that Mikey would make a good radio host for sure. One mistake I noticed: Anonamously should be anonymously. Other than that, good job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks Bubbly, fixed it up. I guess that's another word my spellchecker had trouble with.

[BubblyShell22]

No problem. That spellchecker of yours is being bad. What do you usually type this in? I know I type my stories on Microsoft Word, and it usually lets me know if I have an spelling mistakes.

[ZariusTwo]

No problem. That spellchecker of yours is being bad. What do you usually type this in? I know I type my stories on Microsoft Word, and it usually lets me know if I have an spelling mistakes.

I think whenever I type up the errors, they're too close grammaticly to other words, so it doesnt pick up and match the words to what I mean. It's worse whenever I type in caps, because the checker doesnt pick up wording like that at all.

New sample:

INT: SEWER LAIR!

(April is in a rush, gathering up the tape recorders and even Donatello’s laptop, she begins to franticly make her way to the exit tunnel)

APRIL:
I’ve gotta get home

DONATELLO:
Weren’t you told not to go back?

APRIL:
Since when did I ever listen to my boyfriend?

MICHELANGELO:
Donny’s right girl, it could be the same bozos we saved you from that night, they were pretty sleazy.

APRIL:
I can handle it, ok?

RAPHAEL:
Not without us you won’t

APRIL:
What do you propose?

MICHELANGELO:
We totally go with you?

(Leonardo butts in)

LEONARDO:
Out of the question.

RAPHAEL:
So this is what they teach in school these days? Sit around and do nothing while innocent lives are endangered.

LEONARDO:
In this instant, I'd help, but this wouldn’t be like what happened in the park. It’s a larger community with more people.

DONATELLO:
Leo’s right. What if we’re seen?

MICHELANGELO:
Disguises. Duh.

RAPHAEL:
Yeah, just use the trench-coats we got stashed.

MICHELANGELO:
…I want my pirate day dammit!

APRIL:
I don’t have time to argue guys. Take a vote or something, I’ve got a ten minute walk back to the beach waiting for me, and then a fifteen minute drive back home. I need to get moving.

RAPHAEL:
You heard the lady…let’s vote. I’m in.

MICHELANGELO:
Two out of four over here

(Donatello rubs his ribs)

DONATELLO:
I got banged up pretty badly last time, I don’t think I’ve recovered, I may have to sit it out if needed

RAPHAEL:
So it’s a no?

DONATELLO:
I’d never forgive myself if something happens and I wasn’t there to at least do something…so if Leo agrees to go, I will too.

(Raph turns to Leo, who is in a contemplative mood)

RAPHAEL:
Hate that it’s come to this, but this your call Leo. Stick to the shadows, or stick to your gut?

(Leo’s eyes snap open)

CUT INSTANTLY TO:
INT: APRIL’S CAR

(We find ourselves inside April’s car, well on it’s way to the scene of the crime. April is at the wheel, whilst the Turtles are all huddled together, wearing trench coats and hats. Michelangelo is wearing his Halloween moustache)

DONATELLO:
…How do you move around in these things at night? Seriously

RAPHAEL:
Hey, it’s your fault for wearing pants AND a buckle.. I go commando.

MICHELANGELO:
Are we there yet?

(Leonardo pulls the moustache off Mikey)

[ZariusTwo]

New Sample

(Suddenly, Rocksteady hears something, he is greeted by blinding flash lights as APRIL’S CAR SMASHES INTO HIM, COMING TO A HALT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. Casey opens his eyes. April and the Trench-coated Turtles exit.)

CASEY:
April?

APRIL:
You ok?

CASEY:
Yeah…

(he looks at Rocksteady’s body. Despite being hit hard, he is able to still make slight movements)

APRIL:
Did I kill him?

CASEY:
No. Your driving TOTALLY sucks.

(she smiles, rushes over, and embraces him)
.
CASEY:
I told you to stay clear of here.

APRIL:
When it comes to me looking after you, I’m ALL clear

MICHELANGELO:
Aww that’s so cute. Group hug guys

(he motions for one with the other Turtles, Raph smacks him on the head)

CASEY:
Who’s your friends?

APRIL:
They’re helping me with the story.

DONATELLO:
Yeah, we’re…erm…detectives. Private detectives

(Raph slings his arm around Leonardo’s shoulder)

RAPHAEL:
Yeah, this one’s a real solid dick.

LEONARDO:
Quit it.

CASEY:
Listen…April, I appreciate the help, I do, but you gotta get moving, there’s this…thing back there, he’s been tearing up the whole neighbourhood just to get at me.

APRIL:
Noone’s bothered to help you?

CASEY:
They must be too scared to try. Knowing what’s back there, I don’t blame them,
.
MICHELANGELO;
Just for clarification…what exactly is back there anyway?

(The right side of April’s house suddenly EXPLODES IN A MESH OF GLASS AND CEMENT AS BEBOP POUNDS HIS WAY OUT OF IT AND DASHES TOWARDS THE CAR)

MICHELANGELO:
Aliens!

(April and Casey try to enter the car but Bebop catches up to them, Casey pulls April out of the way as Bebop raises his hands high, claps them together and BRINGS THEM DOWN ON THE HOOD OF THE CAR, PARTIALLY COMPRESSING IT.

Bebop lifts the car high in the air and tosses it at the fleeing group, everyone jumps in left and right directions as the car lands and skids across the tarmac.

Casey and April, sprawled on someone’s lawn, try to gather their thoughts, they look upon the damage inflicted on the car)

CASEY:
We’re ok right?

APRIL:
Totally. Insurance covers attacks by wild manimals…I mean animals.

(The Turtles step in front of April and Casey and stand off against the advancing Bebop, brandishing their weapons)

CASEY:
…Those detectives of yours have weapons?

APRIL:
Yeah, they’re into civil defence. Lots of perks.

CASEY:
Oh.

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome samples. Found two mistakes on the second one. "These detectives of your have weapons?" should be "These detectives of yours have weapons?" Also, cival should be civil. Other than that, nice job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks for the corrections Bubbly. "Civil" was actually picked up on the checker this time, but I was in a rush to post.

Short new sample


(Bebop charges forth, Leonardo jumps high in the air, spins around, and kicks him in the head. Bebop falls backwards, turns around slightly, and is greeted by another fierce high knee, this time from Raph. He sways to the left, Donatello thrusts his bo staff into Bebop’s gut and then catches him beneath the chin with it, he then brings it down on Bebop’s head. Bebop throws an uppercut and tries catching Donatello with it, but Donatello ducks and then jabs Bebop straight in the right eye with the staff. Bebop, now partially blinded, runs in Mikey’s direction)

RAPHAEL;
Mikey, he’s heading your way

MICHELANGELO:
Alright big boy, come and get ‘chucked

(He twirls the nun-chucks around, grazing both sides of Bebop’s face with them, Bebop shakes off the attacks and smacks Michelangelo across the face, the force is so great it sends Michelangelo meters across the street, his hat flies off. He plants his feet on the concrete but can’t stop his momentum, and he tumbles backwards and slams himself hard on the back of Cue-Ball’s van.

Raph turns to Leo)

RAPHAEL:
I told you we should have got him a grapping hook.

[BubblyShell22]

Oooh, awesome sample. One mistake though: Have gave should be have given. Other than that, good job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Changed it to "got" instead, but thanks

[BubblyShell22]

No problem. Always glad to help out.

[ZariusTwo]

New, short sample


MICHELANGELO:
Uh-Oh

DONATELLO:
What is it?

MICHELANGELO;
Reality slap

DONATELLO:
…A reality slap?

MICHELANGELO:
I get these all the time, nothing to worry about

DONATELLO:
What are they?

MICHELANGELO:
They’re the part of my brain that lets me know just how dumb and unrealistic my ideas can be, and how they’d never work. Like I said, nothing to worry about. Everything’s cool.. This is totally going to work.

(he shakes his head the same way again)

DONATELLO:
What is it now?

MICHELANGELO:
I don’t usually get two reality slaps in a row

DONATELLO:
Oh brother.

[BubblyShell22]

Loved this little sample. Ah, Mikey, you gotta love him. Good job on this. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample. April proves she doesnt slither away

APRIL:
Agent Bishop. Good to see you keeping up the neighbourhood watch

BISHOP:
Easy to keep watch when there’s been a circus in town…too bad this one let loose it’s elephants, and I don’t like Clowns, so none of this is funny to me

APRIL:
It’s a shame my site was pulled, I’d be covering one hell of a story…unknown element tears through helpless neighbourhood, cops and firemen nowhere in sight, doesn’t make for a very accommodating headline on their end does it? Or yours for that matter now you’ve gotten yourself involved

BISHOP:
You needn’t worry about us, so long as you keep to our little pact, and so long as you disappear

APRIL:
Excuse me?

BISHOP:
You think I haven’t been connecting the dots? This ruckus happens in your neck of the woods so soon after we pull your scoop of the century? You’ve attracted quite a clan, including a clan we’ve been eyeing up for quite some time.

APRIL:
This clan have a name?

BISHOP:
Not your concern. You’re going to prioritise yourself with picking the best places off island to settle down on, we’ll handle the remainder of the arrangements, all you and your man-child have to be is quiet and complacent. No small task but I think you’ll pull it off now you’ve gotten a scare as big as this.

APRIL:
So…just like that, you’ll settle me somewhere off the grid, call me “Robin” and let me fly away with some kind tag on my leg? Leave you with some kind of hold over me?

BISHOP:
Leaning towards that being the plan, yes.

APRIL:
Forget it.

BISHOP:
Christ, they told me you were a pessimist when it came to authority types, but I didn’t think you’d prefer a death wish over the opportunities we can provide

APRIL:
I’m a New Yorker. This city is my blood. My family clawed their way up from nothing and built the world I lived in all my life. Something took that from me, and you want me to slither away while the real rattlesnakes coil around my home?

BISHOP:
I can’t guarantee your safety

APRIL:
You haven’t made many guarantees I’m comfortable with to start with.

BISHOP:
So this is what you want? No help, no home, no occupation?

APRIL:
Always could land on my feet.

BISHOP:
Be careful whose sandbox you’re playing in Kitten.

APRIL;
I’ll be careful

(Bishop turns to leave. As he does, he bumps into Casey)

BISHOP:
You. Stay out of trouble.

(Casey points to himself and silently says “Me?” and shakes his head, he motions a “hand on heart” action. Bishop says nothing and walks away)

[BubblyShell22]

I love April's toughness and how she won't back down. Saw one mistake. Settled down should be settle down. Other than that, good job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks Bubbly. It's fixed.

Page count now stands at 142

[ZariusTwo]

New sample

SPLINTER:
How do you see the day?

APRIL:
Every moment I wake to every hour I sleep, I’m energized, almost like I’m ready for anything, I know what I want, and that’s revenge

SPLINTER:
Vengeance ages the youth in the heart, and embitters the grace in your spirit

APRIL:
Yeah, well the moment your home comes crashing down before your eyes, be sure those words are on the menu served with plenty of crow

(Splinter points to his head)

SPLINTER:
Home is here. It will be downed only by death

APRIL:
You don’t believe in some kind of afterlife? A better place?

SPLINTER:
Afterlife is an afterthought, best reserved when you understand all that there is about life, but life is an eternal question, forever changing even when you leave it behind.

(April smiles faintly, she doesn’t quite buy into what Splinter means, but she has come to an understanding of his ways and is at peace with his words)

APRIL:
I just…don’t get how you and the others can be so at peace with the world when so much pain has passed before your eyes. Don’t you want to show yourselves? Shout at the world and make them realize how special you are?

SPLINTER:
We are sons of a silent age. A part of history not yet ready to imprint itself on the official version.

APRIL:
What will it take for you to step away from the shadows?

SPLINTER:
Nature is delicate, ever testing itself, tempered by a division of beauty and chaos. For there to be a beginning, there must be a blend

APRIL:
That’s a tall order

SPLINTER:
Everything comes to order. In time.

[ZariusTwo]

New short sample. Irma subjects the Turtles to a rant about an ex-boyfriend

IRMA:
…And I threw my shoes away and told him “No, these are not made for walking”, he said they were better “made for running”, which was the last straw for me, nobody tells me to walk out of a date. He said something about participating in a marathon the following day, but I couldn’t get past the insult…or was it an insult? Did I make a mistake? Oh shoot I probably did, but anyhow, that’s how I cope with rejection, which came in handy when the next suitor came along...

SPLINTER:
…You are truly an unrestrained spirit Mss Langenstien, perhaps your testimony would best be spent in periods of more peaceful re-examination

IRMA:
That sounds like really solid advice. Wish I had a solid understanding of it

RAPHAEL:
He’s telling you to shut up lady

IRMA:
Are you mister?

SPLINTER:
How one interprets the word of the wise is how the many conclusions are drawn

DONATELLO:
Leave her alone Raph

IRMA:
Thanks, can I continue?

DONATELLO:
No.

[Blossombrooks]

You do a good script. I still really like the way you write Irma's humour. I hope you don't mind me pointing it out but is there a word missing in the first sentence? 'he said they better' sounds like it might need 'were' in there, just trying to help. :)

[ZariusTwo]

You do a good script. I still really like the way you write Irma's humour. I hope you don't mind me pointing it out but is there a word missing in the first sentence? 'he said they better' sounds like it might need 'were' in there, just trying to help. :)

Yeah, thanks mate, that was sort of intentional as I thought it would sound better in my head as "he said they better made for running", but it probably makes more sense to include "were". I'll add it in. Thanks for the encouraging words.

[Blossombrooks]

You're welcome, no worries. :)

[ZariusTwo]

New sample

APRIL:
Hey, It’s me. Wanna give us a hand?

LEONARDO:
You led ANOTHER person down here?

RAPHAEL:
Don’t worry, he only hits proper girls. Fear for your boyfriend.

CASEY:
That thing’s insulting me again isn’t it? The one in red.

RAPHAEL:
Times like this I wish we all wore red. Just to mess with him.

LEONARDO:
What’s this about April?

(April climbs up the ladder and joins them, Casey remains below, unable to climb up due to the amount of luggage obstructing his vision)

APRIL:
…We’re moving in.

LEONARDO:
Excuse me?

MICHELANGELO:
Alright.

RAPHAEL:
Please don’t tell me the boyfriend is part of the deal.

DONATELLO:
This is insane

IRMA:
I’ll say. What’s stopping you moving in with me?

APRIL:
Can’t risk it. Whoever wants me on a platter could track us down and strike where you are too. This is the only place on short notice I can think of

(Casey yells)

CASEY:
A little help down here?

(Aprils yells back)

APRIL:
In a second honey.

LEONARDO:
We must consult Master Splinter on this

RAPHAEL:
Oh that’s a change. Not feeling up to threatening a girl this time schoolboy?

DONATELLO:
I don’t want to pick sides here, but…we barely know these people, why should we entertain ourselves with their company?

APRIL:
You guys put your trust in me and let me into your world, you risked your neck to protect me three times. I owe you.

DONATELLO:
I’m still not sure…

APRIL:
I’ll pay you rent

DONATELLO:
I’m sold. They stay.

MICHELANGELO:
First things first, let’s make you comfortable. I’ll be your personal tour guide to the sights, the sounds, the smells…well, ok scratch the smells…although I don’t think you could avoid that if your life depended on it, just know that I’m the right one to call if the weight of the world is too great for one person…

CASEY:
A little help?

MICHELANGELO:
Raph, Don, help the man

(Raphael and Donatello stare at each other, shrug, and descend the ladder to help Casey out)

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome job on these. I really like Splinter's words of wisdom as well as Irma's humor. Nicely done on these, Zarius. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks Bubbly.

While I've finished up the latest action scene, I'm now at a portion of the story where it's altogether much mellower. In many ways this will contain all the stuff I've been wanting to write since the project began and I've been more excited to do this stuff than the action beats. Samples may be shorter going forward so as to avoid spoilers.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample

APRIL:
You guys ever get lonely down here?

MICHELANGELO:
US? Lone Rangers? You tonto?

(April laughs, and playfully hits Mike on the shoulder)

APRIL:
I’m serious. Four guys. Male. Teenagers. You ever…think about, the heavy stuff y’know?

MICHELANGELO:
You sure you don’t want to trade Turtles on this ? Raph can tell you stories, but Leo is a crack at the deep stuff

APRIL:
Yeah but I’m putting you on the spot here. C’mon. Surprise me. You’ve done a good job so far

MICHELANGELO:
I have?

APRIL:
I’m a good observer. You dance while everyone else sits still. You’re wrapped up in wise cracks, you read the funny pages in newspapers, you’re willing to risk yourself out in public to make children happy. You’re very worldly Mike, I think you’re the best qualified to talk a little about how you guys view yourselves going forward on this planet.

(Michelangelo scratches his head, not sure how to take in this complimentary analysis of his characteristics. April smiles, and takes another bite of Pizza)

APRIL:
So shoot. What is it you want out of life?

MICHELANGELO:
I guess….um…wow…I-well, the easy things ought to come first. Recognition obviously, this is a mug that belongs on a cereal box. It’d be great to have a fan club, I could give guided tours of the old homestead, stay in and watch a few movies, entertain the kids, and then…

APRIL:
..Then?

MICHELANGELO:
…Ah it’s silly. Impossible.

APRIL:
You guys are walking impossibilities. Give your dreams a chance.

(There is a pause, Michelangelo stares into the distance, smiles, and turns back to April)

MICHELANGELO:
…I want to settle down, not just have an odd, fun little fling, I want a real relationship. With someone who doesn’t judge you on colour or appearance, who’ll accept you for what you are. Like I said…impossible. Who’d have the nerve to stick their neck out for me forever?

APRIL:
We live in very taboo times Mike. We indulge in things that the eyes of regular society find questionable. Degrading. Blasphemous if you’re religious. But the people they look down on…the people they reject…for better or for worse, don’t care what anyone thinks, they stay true to themselves.

(she places her hand on his shoulder)

APRIL:
Your desires? The fact you want to be loved, and loved long-term? That’s the most normal thing anyone can ever think, and if someone lucky enough to know you wants to give you what you deserve, they should take their cues from the misfits that exist on the fringes of this change-fearing world and go with their gut, because you’ve earned thier trust, respect, and more

MICHELANGELO:
That’s deep. Really deep.

APRIL:
Never swim in the shallow end Mike.

[BubblyShell22]

Wow. A very awesome insight on how April views the guys and what they should do. I liked this little exchange between April and Mikey. Nicely done on this. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[Blossombrooks]

Aw, this is great! It's good to see depth of character in Mikey, it gets overlooked sometimes. Good stuff. :tgrin:

[ZariusTwo]

New sample


INT: DONATELLO’S LAB

(Irma is seated next to Donatello, his back is turned, he is operating on some sort of object)

IRMA:
What are you working on?

DONATELLO:
Recalibrating the sensors on this thing

IRMA;
..And what thing would that be

(Donatello swings around, Irma reacts in alarm)

DONATELLO:
What?

IRMA:
W-where did one of your eyes go?

(Donatello points to his right eye, which appears to be a clear white)

DONATELLO:
This?

(Irma nods)

DONATELLO:
Relax

(he reaches towards the eyepiece and removes it, Irma is grossed out)

IRMA:
Stop freaking me out, stop freaking me out

DONATELLO:
There. See? Nothing to worry about.

IRMA:
What is that thing?

DONATELLO:
It’s a special type of lens I’ve been developing to help us see better in the dark

IRMA:
Couldn’t you just eat a whole heap of carrots instead?

DONATELLO:
You really do find something to laugh about all the time don’t you?

IRMA:
Laughter’s my best defence in this place

DONATELLO:
It’s been two months, you’re still freaked out?

IRMA:
Not really. I’ve worked out what keeps me at ease. Like watching you work

(Donatello gets all flustered)

DONATELLO;
Oh stop it

IRMA:
I’m serious. I get such a kick out of what you come up with, your creativity isn’t something you can just ignore. You’re a real genius.

DONATELLO:
If only I could marry the mother of invention.

IRMA:
Incidentally, I’m great at that sort of thing.

DONATELLO:
Really now?

IRMA:
Well… nothing as complex as what you do. Mainly cooking. Original recipes.

DONATELLO:
That’s an essential skill

IRMA:
It’s so simple though. Nothing like what you do.

DONATELLO:
Sometimes it pays to be simple. Noone works on empty stomachs.

IRMA:
Is this real encouragement, or are you just trying to get me to handle your tv dinners for you?

DONATELLO:
If cooking makes you happy, I don’t see why such a task would dampen your spirits

IRMA:
Why does every conversation I have with a guy lead to making them a sandwich?

DONATELLO:
Oh, that’d be great

[BubblyShell22]

Ah, love that little conversation between Don and Irma. Really great. I did see one mistake though. Recopies should be recipes. Other than that, nice job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Ah, love that little conversation between Don and Irma. Really great. I did see one mistake though. Recopies should be recipes. Other than that, nice job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

Thanks Bubbly. Damned spellchecker did it to me again.

[BubblyShell22]

Hey, no problem. Always happy to help out a fellow writer.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample.

CUT TO:
INT: TURTLES LAIR

(Michelangelo is seated on the couch, April, Casey, Donatello, and Raphael all beside him. Leonardo is pacing back and forth, giving him a stern interrogation)

LEONARDO:
What were you thinking? Were you thinking at all?

MICHELANGELO:
Sorry

LEONARDO:
And is this where you got your obsession with that stupid James Bond movie? What else were they showing you up there? What did they poison your mind with?

MICHELANGELO:
Sorry.

LEONARDO:
And what if they had adults with them? What if their parents were going to call them in for lunch and went to look for them?

MICHELANGELO:
Sorry

LEONARDO:
What if they had gotten the stupid urge to follow you?

MICHELANGELO:
Sorry.

(April puts her arms on Michelangelo’s shoulders)

APRIL:
Leave him alone Leo, he gets it.

RAPHAEL:
Yeah Leo, I go topside all the time, and are you forgetting the time of day me and Don met April to begin with?

LEONARDO:
Adults are one thing. Children are another, they’re delicate

RAPHAEL:
And you’d know all about that?

DONATELLO:
Raph, come on, don’t go there with Leo…

RAPHAEL:
Is he going to do something about it?


LEONARDO:
You truly do lack a heart don’t you?

RAPHAEL:
Can’t blame me for having a grip on reality, all while you prefer to lock up a view of the world to play happy homestead

LEONARDO:
I feel like I don’t know any of you anymore. You’ve all slipped from my control

RAPHAEL:
This is about control now? We’re EIGHTEEN, we’re well past the age to be leashed, that’s how it works up there

LEONARDO:
That is not our way. We are not them.

DONATELLO:
No offence Leo…but that’s just not true. Master Splinter taught us things that humans developed and practiced over whole centuries, even the code of conduct you carry. We’ve all picked up various traits perfected by that race. I’ve never been exactly sure why, but I do have a theory as to…

LEONARDO:
…Don’t bother me with it.

RAPHAEL:
Hey, Einstein has a point, Splinter always told you a good leader listens.

LEONARDO:
I’m no leader. I’m failing, I’m letting you all down, just like I let…

(he stops in mid-sentence, looks into the distance, turns, and walks away)

APRIL:
Raph, go after him

RAPHAEL:
Oh no, I’m not bringing THIS one up…

APRIL;
Bring WHAT up?

MICHELANGELO:
Sorry.

CASEY;
I’ll talk to him

APRIL:
You sure?

CASEY:
Hey, I gotta remind your pals here I exist.

(he turns to follow Leonardo, the remaining four in the room try their best to enjoy an awkward silence)

DONATELLO:
Does anyone want to hear my theory?

RAPHAEL:
Nah.

[BubblyShell22]

Wow. Awesome sample. Poor Leo. I wonder who he let down. Could it be Splinter, or someone else from his past? The mystery is intriguing. Nicely done. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update. And thanks for reviewing my story as well.

[ZariusTwo]

And thanks for reviewing my story as well.

No problem, I really get a kick out of how true-to-show your fics are

New sample

SHREDDER:
…Awake I see

SPLINTER:
…Your voice…a most familiar echo…

SHREDDER:
It’s a voice you would do well to fear if you do not answer my questions

SPLINTER:
You seem…to have all the answers…

SHREDDER:
Do I now?

(Splinter examines Shredder’s outfit)

SPLINTER:
You wear the solution to end meaningful life on your wrists and shoulders…

SHREDDER:
The power of life and death. Most observant. Which will you choose?

SPLINTER:
The questions brought forward by life can only be given and answered by the living…

SHREDDER:
Life it is then. Answer my questions and it shall be granted to you.

SPLINTER:
..I am…prepared. We will learn together

(Shredder slaps him across the face, a small trickle of blood runs down a gash in Splinter’s cheek)

SHREDDER:
This is not a school.

SPLINTER:
Such…familiar wording. As foreboding as you may seem, you are very much a student.

SHREDDER:
Answer my questions

SPLINTER:
You have yet to give any. Do you…desire my permission?

SHREDDER:
I do not see you as an equal to me.



SPLINTER:
Is this a form of self-assurance?

(Shredder smacks him again)

SHREDDER:
I ASK THE QUESTIONS

SPLINTER:
…Ask.

SHREDDER:
What are you?

SPLINTER:
By nature, or through learning?

(another smack)

SHREDDER:
THE TRUTH!

SPLINTER:
…My truth requires belief.

SHREDDER:
I do not question your existence. We patched your freak’s DNA through a source, that source confirmed none of them were human….are you?

SPLINTER:
We are one with the ways, but not with the source. No. We are not human.

SHREDDER:
…Good, we’re getting on splendidly.

(He suddenly stops, eyeing something, he reaches out to Splinter’s head and wrenches it forwards, he examines the split ear of the rodent sensei)

SHREDDER:
…A most peculiar attribute…

(he realizes something)

SHREDDER:
…Of course.

SPLINTER:
…Recognition for both of us it would seem.

SHREDDER:
Distant is the memory, but it is there.


SPLINTER:
…Yes, I remember now. Saki. Saki was your name.


SHREDDER:
…And you, Hamato’s little…Splinter.

[BubblyShell22]

Hey, I try, and I guess I'm doing a good job, so that's a good thing.

Awesome sample. I loved it and how the conversation between Splinter and Shredder flows. Splinter's comebacks are awesome. Nicely done on this. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[Blossombrooks]

Love the 'Hamato's little Splinter' bit, really great exchange going on there. :)

[ZariusTwo]

New sample Sorry it took so long, I've been writing other unrelated fanfics and got sidetracked.


(We see April O’Neil in the living quarters of the Turtle’s lair, crouched down on the floor, she is reading a newspaper article. The page reads “AUTUMN ARRIVES, APRIL NOWHERE IN SIGHT- SIGHTINGS OF INTERNET JOURNALIST DRY UP AFTER HOME TRAGEDY IN JUNE”.)

APRIL (VOICE-OVER):
…Tuesday the 22nd. My life is over according to some local papers.

(She smiles and opens up a blue book placed beside her. We discover it is some kind of journal. She browses past a couple of recent entries, we find there is no entry for June or July. Putting pen to paper, she begins to write)

APRIL (VOICE-OVER):
…..Many have come forward with their own opinions on the matter. Friends speak out of concern and support, enemies speak of the evils of my profession and how they came back to “bite me” and ruin my handsome home, they use my name as a cautionary tale. A warning to others not to peer down the rabbit hole. If only they knew the wonderland we’ve stumbled on. It’s like nothing I can describe.

CUT TO
INT: TURTLES LAIR, TRAINING ROOM
(Casey is MAKING SWIFT JABS AT A PUNCHING BAG. Gabrielle is watching on, yelling words of encouragement to Casey)

APRIL (VOICE-OVER):
Casey’s taken this harder than I have. I think it’s come down to feelings of inadequacy. Like I was his call to duty, his job was to protect me from the bad and the ugly, and lately he’s found himself so…powerless. I insisted he go visit Gabrielle as much as possible in the meantime. She’s taken all of this incredibly well, she shows a sense of wisdom and tolerance I don’t think anyone would expect of her calibre of character .

(Casey takes a breather. Gabrielle apporaches him and offers him a back-rub. Casey lets her know he appreciates it. After Gabrielle is done with the therapy, Casey resumes his aggressive assault on the bag)

APRIL (VOICE-OVER)
To help Casey sharpen his focus, we both encouraged him to finally put himself into the boxing programme held at the local church. He’s made the most of what’s available down here get into shape…that’s right, we’re pretty well accommodated where we are. We owe that to the keen interests of our landlords.

CUT TO
INT: TURTLES LAIR
(Another scene, where April watches as the Turtles train with one another)

APRIL: (VOICE-OVER):
If anyone is reading this in the future…I’m not about to tell you what’s going on here. I owe my friends their privacy, you won’t know them by nature, all you will know of them is through character. Through vitality. Through spirit.

(Michelangelo takes a break from training to wave at April. She waves back, Michelangelo waves with both hands wildly, but is met with a swift kick from Leonardo. April laughs)



APRIL (VOICE-OVER):
How best would I describe them? They’re…troubled, they’re reflective, they’re…wild. They are youth. Some of them like to think they’re older than they act, and that’s fine, that happens with all of us at that age, but others in the pack embrace their adolescence

CUT TO
INT: DONATELLO’S LAB

(Donatello is working on the dismantled remnants of the robot brought back by Raphael. Donatello is operating on the neck of the robot with some kind of probe, causing small metallic muscles to flex and move, the robot’s severed head vibrates across the table, Donatello smiles and places the probe into the head)

APRIL (VOICE-OVER):
The older ones indulge in certain hobbies and habits that go beyond what us normal folks would consider “beyond their realm of possibility”. Take Donatello for example, pretty tame combatant, but has a keen mind for machines, always wanting to know what causes things to tick

(There is a sudden malfunction and the robot’s head explodes. Donatello looks on, he briefly sports a damp expression, but quickly flexes his fingers and examines the burning probe to find out what caused the malfunction)

APRIL (VOICE-OVER)
…Though sometimes he tends to overstep his boundaries. Still, it’s the try that counts where he’s concerned, and even after a major malfunction, he shrugs it off and gets back on track. A real workaholic.

CUT TO:
IN: TURTLES LAIR

(We see a STEREO SITTING ATOP A STOOL, PLAYING LOUD PARTY MUSIC. April twirls around like a ballerina to the flow, clapping her hands and sways from side to side. Raphael suddenly chimes in with his own “unique” dance moves, demonstrating lack of real co-ordination, allowing his arms and legs to flap all over the place in poor attempts at mimicking April’s own routine)

APRIL (VOICE-OVER)
..Unlike Raphael. So far off-the tracks, yet keeps our morale in motion
-
(Raphael lies down flat on his shell and SPINS HIMSELF AROUND. April and Irma laugh. Michelangelo and Donatello cheer Raph on. Splinter is bopping his head up and down to the rhythm.

Leonardo, however, is distant, and after Casey and Gabrielle take to the floor to join in, he takes off down the corridor. April watches him go. She expresses some concern

We see several shots of Leonardo training, swinging his Katana blades into thin air, he takes on several different defensive poses with them, his eyes focused, his face steeled in regards to emotion)

APRIL (VOICE-OVER):
Leonardo is a courageous and admirable leader type, he keeps the guys together in moments where they feel lost and confused, out of respect for him they rise to the occasion, he is dedicated to his studies, and is fiercely protective of what he calls his home…too feirce at times. Out of all four I think he’s the one that needs to sharpen his focus on more delicate matters than training. Raphael is always trying to get something out of him…I can’t imagine what it is, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt Leo to try and give him, to let others into his world, even just a tiny fragment of it.

CUT BACK TO:
INT: TURTLES LAIR (PRESENT DAY)

(We see the back of April. Michelangelo approaches her, his hands behind his back)

APRIL (VOICE-OVER):
And then there’s Michelangelo. Mike.

(Mikey creeps up on April, his head looms over her shoulder)

APRIL (VOICE-OVER):
…He’s a challenge.

MICHELANGELO:
Boo

(April turns around, a grin on her face)

APRIL:
Hi.

MICHELANGELO:
What’cha writing?

APRIL:
Stories. About you. Me. The others. This wild dream of ours.

MICHELANGELO:
So this isn’t real yet?

APRIL:
It’s as real as you want it to be

MICHELANGELO:
Two months isn’t a reality check.

APRIL:
Whatever mister. All in your own time

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome job on this. I really liked this sample. You have three mistakes though. Explode should be explodes, kitana should be katana, and feirce should be fierce. Other than that, good job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

And don't worry about getting sidetracked. It happens to all of us.

Happy Holidays!

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks Bubbly, mistakes corrected.

[ZariusTwo]

Very short sample

APRIL:
He sounds pretty mad

MICHELANGELO:
Relax, just how steamed can he be?

(Michelangelo gets off the ladder, and turns. There is Leonardo, with an increasingly sour look on his face]

MICHELANGELO:
Yeah. This is a steam room right about now

[BubblyShell22]

Ha, pretty damn funny. Yeah, Leo can get steamed when the situation calls for it. I know I wouldn't want to cross him if he's like that. Nicely done on this, Zarius. Have a happy holiday.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample

INT: SEWER NETWORK

(Splinter is out for a stroll across the vast sewage tunnels, humming a soothing tune to himself.

All of a sudden, he picks up something. His ears begin to twitch. He titlts his head to the right as he hears the sound of metallic grinding and a loud stomp echo nearby. He tries picking up a scent with his nose.

Hearing the sounds get closer, he ducks behind a wall and scales up it, hiding in the pipes above. The uncanny sounds are soon given form, as an ARMY OF ROBOTIC CONTRAPTIONS TURN RIGHT AND MARCH THROUGH THE TUNNEL. The creatures resemble the robot found by April months earlier, the robot that inspired Donatello to reach out and contact her…here they were now in their HUNDREDS, coming down the tunnel

Splinter examines the robots as they teem past him, his eyes trained on the centre, eyeing up an opening to strike, we get a FIRST-PERSPECTIVE SHOT of his gaze, centering on one particular robot, Splinter readies his walking stick,clasping it with both hands, clinging on to the pipes by the top of his long toes.

Then, with a sudden and cold spot of calcuation, SPLINTER DESCENDS AND THRUSTS HIS STICK INTO THE BACK ONE OF THE CREATURES. There is A SHOWER OF SPARKS THAT DANCE ACROSS SPLINTER. HE REMAINS UNPHASED. The creature’s legs cease to function, but it remains very much alive. It’s head bops up and down and twists around in maverick directions, it seems to be confused.

Splinter picks up the creature and skirts past the remaining robots as they completely ignore the events that have unfolded, continuing to pour down the tunnels and eventually out of sight)

[BubblyShell22]

Wow. Awesome sample for sure. Caught a few mistakes though. Titls should be tilts, coming down the is an incomplete sentence so there should be something else there to complete it, hi should be him, thursts should be thrusts, and that's all I could find. Other than that, good job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks. I did sort of just finish up that sample and I got overexcited and posted without checking.

For some reason, the spellcheck doesnt count sentences written in massive capitals either.

[BubblyShell22]

No problem. Always glad to help.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample

CASEY:
Hey, it’s me.

LEONARDO:
Leave me alone

CASEY:
Yeah, I think we do enough of that already, and you don’t exactly become the life of party that way

LEONARDO:
Life is no party

CASEY:
Tell that to the others.

LEONARDO:
Just what is it you want?

CASEY:
A little insight.
Based on how I’ve seen you act, you’re the lean, green version of me from a few months back when me and April first crashed down here. I couldn’t get it into my head how these two worlds of ours could care let alone collide, now I’m warming to the notion. You? You’re still cold about it, and I don’t think that’s just because nature intends it.

LEONARDO:
I tire of this belief I am cold to anyone. I have raised concerns for I am myself concerned. Everyone’s so eager to embrace what the world can give, that none of them truly wants to remember what this world has taken away. One of us has to carry that memory, so we’re all cautioned, so that none of us will ever be lost in the same way.

CASEY:
Maybe they’ve just decided to let go of that memory…let go of the past. Like all of us have to. Surely you can open up about this

LEONARDO:
…Maybe you DO need to understand…maybe if you do, you’ll side with me.

CASEY:
I’m all ears

LEONARDO:
Alright. I’ll tell you.

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome sample. Love that little conversation between Leo and Casey. I see one mistake though. Based on I've seen you act should be Based on the way I've seen you act. Other than that, good job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks Bubbly, it's been corrected now.

[ZariusTwo]

Breif sample taken from Leonardo's flashback


LEONARDO (VOICE-OVER):
Even as a youngling, I kept to myself a lot. I didn’t let anyone in except my master…our father. It must have been difficult for him all those years, managing all those combustible elements…forces as wild as nature. Most of us igniting the sewers, our energy as white hot as summer, but I remained as still as an autumn leaf. Everyone tried to get me to join in, look to the middle of the road…

(Young Leonardo ignores his playful siblings and walks towards a ladder, he stares up. Above him, he can see a manhole…a portal to the world topside)

LEONARDO (VOICE-OVER):
…but I was always looking upwards.

[BubblyShell22]

Oooh, very interesting flashback to say the least. Good job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

More from Leo's flashback

CUT TO:
EXT: ALLEY WAY

(We see a manhole open and Leonardo stepping out of it)

LEONARDO (VOICE-OVER):
One day. One… foolish…day. I broke away from the pact, I went above ground.

(Leonardo stares up at the beautiful night sky)

LEONARDO (VOICE-OVER:
I went to where the stars came out.

(Young Leonardo is wowed by the sights above him. A shooting star captivates his attention. He points to it, and even tries following it's path with his finger.

Suddenly…he hears a series of loud noise and frantic intakes of breath. Sensing danger, he ducks behind a large dumpster and peers around it as a MAN, in a CREAM TRENCHCOAT, runs around the corner and into the alley way, he is pursued by a MAN A RAGGED COAT, WITH A HIDEOUSLY TATTERED PURPLE SCARF AROUND THE NECK. He chases after the man, who resigns himself to his fate when he realizes he has nowhere to go. The ragged man grabs his victim and pins him against the wall. The young Leonardo watches on)

FIRST MAN:
Last chance to talk. Where did they go?

SECOND MAN:
Off the grid, that’s all I was given in the paperwork…

FIRST MAN:
Nothing as big as them can just vanish like that, people on the circuit MUST still know something. Tell me the truth…

SECOND MAN:
I don’t have what you want

FIRST MAN:
Then I will take what I want from you.

SECOND MAN:
I have no knowledge of the matter

FIRST MAN:
Knowledge isn’t what I intend to take…

(He raises his right hand to reveal a bladed steel dagger attached to his wrist. His victim reacts in fright)

SECOND MAN:
No, no please…

LEONARDO (VOICE-OVER):
I shouldn’t have tried anything, but a part of me remembered the savagery I witnessed on the day I was transformed. I had seen true malice and the devil given form that night…out of some hot-headed loyalty to my father, I opted to tempt hell this one time

(Leonardo puts both hands on the dumpster, and charges it towards the ragged man, who reacts to the prescience of the dumpster, Leonardo does not allow himself to be seen)

FIRST MAN:
What in…

(Before the ragged man can react, the dumpster strikes him, sending him reeling. Leonardo tries to make himself scarce. . As he rushes away, he is spotted by the victim. Leonardo cheekily puts a finger to his lips, urging the man to keep quiet. The man, perplexed by what he has seen, just nods and follows Leonardo out of the alley. When he exits it however, the strange creature who saved him is nowhere to be seen. He looks around…no sight, he looks back into the alley and finds his attacker stirring. He makes good his escape, he rushes past one of the tipped over trashcans, little realizing young Leonardo is hiding inside of it).

[ZariusTwo]

New Sample

INT: DONATELLO’S LAB

(We see the partially moving robotic creature Splinter attacked dropped on Donatello’s workshop table. The Turtles, Splinter, April, Casey and Irma are all gathered around it)

RAPHAEL;
I don’t get it. Don’t we already have one of these?

SPLINTER:
The fish that still seeks a river will not drown on dry land

RAPHAEL:
And that means…what?

DONATELLO;
He means the previous one we had wasn’t quite as lively as the one he’s caught for us. It had long ceased functioning, and, aside from teaching me a few new tricks about electronics, wasn’t offering us many more clues on it’s origins.

IRMA:
So by keeping it alive, you think you can work out where it actually came from?

DONATELLO:
If I can bring it back to full “health” so to speak, I won’t have to work anything out, we’ll just follow it to its destination. It appears to be following some kind of homing signal, its evident on the little LCD map at the base of the neck. Look.

(he points to the small map, particularly at a red dot. Just a few meters above it is a field of yellow dots)

DONATELLO:
See? The red dot is meant to be this unit, the remaining dots are the ones that have made it home. All we have to do is repair it’s motor functions and let it go on it’s merry way

LEONARDO:
I don’t know about this.

MICHELANGELO:
C’mon Leo, it’ll help April out with her story. She’s been trailing the weirdoes behind these things for months now…

APRIL:
And the sooner I get any kind of answer to what’s been going on, I can set about taking parts of my life back, and nobody will have any leverage to keep me where they want to keep me. I can move out and about the world again

MICHELANGELO (sounding disappointed):
Really?

APRIL:
Oh Mike. You guys have been so kind to me, but I have an obligation to the world, to tell it the truth so it can learn to function with a sense of honesty it really lacks. The story, no matter how dangerous the sources surrounding are, has to be told to it. It’s an honourable thing to do. You guys are all about that aren’t you?

RAPHAEL:
Oh she’s using your favourite word Leo

(Leonardo turns to Splinter)

LEONARDO:
Master? What do we do?

SPLINTER:
Our world, the shadows, have power, but many can play God with it besides us. Life depends on what we can and cannot risk in our pursuit of our safeguarding of heart and home…family, and friends

LEONARDO:
He’s right. Wherever these things come from, their creators may branch out and stumble on our dwelling, endangering us all, including those under our care. To protect our lair, we must know of theirs.

(he turns to Donatello)

LEONARDO:
Let it lead the way.

DONATELLO:
I’m on top of things. While I’m at it, can I interest you in a few little gimmicks I came up with from working on the older models?

RAPHAEL:
Stick to the task and not your hobbies

(Don becomes a little downhearted at the notion noone wants to hear about his other projects)7

DONATELLO:
Yeah..sure

(Everyone, with the exception of one, walks out of the lab to allow the Turtle peace to get on with his work. Irma pulls up a chair and stares at him, giving him a thumbs up. Donatello smiles and sets about repairing the robotic creature)

[Blossombrooks]

Still looking good Zarius, I really like how you write Splinter's words of wisdom.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks for the kind words. Splinter's speeches are a favourite of mine

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome job on these samples, Zarius. I really like where this is going and also love Splinter's wise words. You do have one mistake though. It's should be its, and you have this in both samples. Other than that, good job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks Bubbly. Have fixed the errors. I noticed another mistake, I should have said "Leonardo does not allow himself to be seen", which I omitted in the bit where he attacks the man with the dumpster.

[BubblyShell22]

Ah, glad you caught that mistake. How could I have missed that? Oh, well, you caught it. Can't wait for more.

[ZariusTwo]

Been a while since we had an update (due to work on the OT audio scripts and novelizations), but now that I have time, I've had time to work on it again

APRIL;
Guys, look out

(SECURITY TEAMS ATTIRED IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE ALL-BLACK AND GREY STORMTROOPER GEAR POUR OUT FROM A STAIRCASE LEADING TO A LOWER LEVEL OF THE CHAMBER, THEY ARE HEAVILY ARMED WITH REGULAR LOOKING MACHINE GUNS. THEY SURROUND THE TURTLES)

MICHELANGELO:
Hands are in the air dudes…I’ve saved you a couple of lines already.

LEONARDO:
We don’t want to hurt anyone.

STORMTROOPER:
Shut up

(he talks through a communicator on his pocket)

STORMTROOPER:
Sir, sights set on intruders. Awaiting further orders

VOICE:
We’ll sort this out when they’re not so evenly matched. Take their weapons.

(April recognizes the voice)

APRIL:
…Is that…? It is

(she walks over to the stomrtrooper)

MICHELANGELO:
Woah, keep your hands up Babe

DONATELLO:
Be careful

APRIL:
Alright Bishop, you can calm your nerves. It’s me

VOICE:
O’Neil?

STORMTROOPER:
Stay where you are and don’t move

APRIL:
Oh you bet I’m not moving. I’ve only gotten what I spent months looking for, no way am I turning ‘round and leaving it behind now.

STORMTROOPER;
I said shut up!

CASEY:
Don’t talk to her like that

APRIL:
Relax, I got this…

(she shouts at the top of her voice, the researchers and scientists all stop work to marvel at the scene)

APRIL:
What’s it gonna be Bishop? You’ve tried everything to cage this bird and I’ve flown straight into your nest, you going to clip my wings? ‘Cause if you do, I don’t think you’ll get on the bright side of my friends here, did I mention they saved me and my boyfriend from the assholes who ripped the neighbourhood apart?

(there is a pause)

BISHOP (VOICE):
Make sure they don’t move, I’m coming down

STORMTROOPER:
Yes sir.

(he points at April)

STORMTROOPER:
You heard him

APRIL:
I think the important thing to remember here…is he heard ME.

(Bishop comes out of the same stairwell the security team emerged from. At his side is a SLIGHTLY BALDING OVERWEIGHT MAN WITH GINGER HAIR AT THE SIDES AND A GLEAMING BALD SPOT, HE IS WEARING SPECTACLES AND SPORTS A “WORLD’S GREARTEST VIRGIN” T-SHIRT UNDERNEATH A LAB COAT. HE IS PARTIALLY EATING CHOCOLATE)

Bishop eyes up April and Casey)

BISHOP:
Ms O’Neil..Mr. Jones…

(he turns his attention to the Turtles)

BISHOP:
…And what’s the story here?

(he grabs Michelangelo’s cheeks)

MICHELANGELO:
Hey, let go

(Bishop reels back)

BISHOP:
…That’s real.

MICHELANGELO:
For real.

BISHOP:
What’s going on here?

APRIL:
Bishop, meet my Turtles.

BISHOP;
They’re a little too big to be domestic pets O’Neil

RAPHAEL:
At least we were there for her Mr. “Missed a call of duty”

BISHOP:
You have a lip. Great. The more of the mouth I get, the longer the hours spent in a quiet cell

RAPHAEL:
Just try to shut me up

(Bishop grins, he looks at Leonardo)

BISHOP:
How about you? Huh? What do you make of yourselves? Who are you?

LEONARDO:
We are shadows.

BISHOP:
Really now? Green is the new black right?

(he turns back to the storm troopers)

BISHOP;
Take them to the cells.

MAXWELL:
Wait

MAXWELL:
Mutants.


BISHOP:
Mutants?

MAXWELL:
They’re mutants. I know it.

RAPHAEL:
Is he being racist?

MICHELANGELO:
No, he just totally gets it is all.

MAXWELL:
Are you…

(he pauses)

MAXWELL:
Call this a crazy hunch, but…you’re Turtles…what age are you?

MICHELANGELO;
Eighteen.

MAXWELL:
Eighteen…Turtles, right, do one thing for me.

MICHELANGELO:
Name it.

MAXWELL:
Do something physical. Now…it could be anything,, go with what you know, go with what comes naturally to you.

MICHELANGELO:
Right, step back my man!

(Michelangelo puts on a feverish, and slightly over-exaggerative martial arts expo for Maxwell. His eyes widen and his face lights up, he puts his hands together)

MAXWELL:
AMAZING! TURTLES. TEENAGE. MUTANT. NINJA. TURTLES!

MICHELANGELO:
Can I get that trademarked?

APRIL:
Still thinking about that cereal box Mike?

MICHELANGELO:
Bring on the perks

(the two high-five)

STORMTROOPER:
Move aside sir, we’ll escort them to the cells

MAXWELL:
Cells? Heavens not. They’re honoured guests.

BISHOP;
How do you figure?

MAXWELL:
Because they belong to this place Bishop. We created them.



Also, I can now confirm I will be novelizing this script towards the end of the year, under the title "We Are Shadows"

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome sample. I really liked this, especially Mikey's line about getting TMNT trademarked. The only mistake I see is that you have a capital S in aSide which should be lowercase.

And you're going to novelize this? Awesome. Can't wait to read it.

[Blossombrooks]

Excellent! This will make for a great novel! I agree with Shell, the trademark line is great. Love April's attitude in this bit.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample


CUT TO;
INT: OFFICE

(April is escorted by the storm troopers into a small room, Bishop is seated at a table. He’s in deep thought. He looks up)

BISHOP:
Alright

APRIL:
Alright?

BISHOP:
What is it you want to keep this quiet?

APRIL:
A few months ago I’d be giving you a list of things…selfish, possessive, immature stuff…but these last few months I’ve been in such compassionate company, that all I want…is a guarantee for the preservation of that. Preservation for my friends.

BISHOP:
Those things? If Max is to be believed, they’re our government property. We can’t afford them running around the sewers…and from YOUR accounts, they’re not even content with doing that.

APRIL:
Think about it. They’re allowed to walk out of here and back to their world, without being tailed, and we vow not to spill any of these details, where you’re located, the whole works.

BISHOP:
And you’re content to run around with them?

APRIL:
It’s a tough life, but I’m willing to live it

(she puts her feet up on the table)

APRIL:
Besides…they could be a great asset to you. A stealth combat team who strike at night, taking out all kinds of unpredictable criminal elements, keeping the streets safe in the event you can’t answer the count. Twice they stuck their necks out for me, and in that second attempt, they helped keep a whole lot of other people secure. It’s a tight C.V they have, you should give them a chance to chat.

BISHOP:
You’re really buying into your wonderland aren’t you Alice?

(April folds her arms behind her head and relaxes)

APRIL:
I’ve always had my eye on a story, what better than the story of my life?

[BubblyShell22]

Wow. Awesome convo between Bishop and April. You have one mistake though. They're are property should be they're our property. Other than that, good job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks, no idea why I went all "I.R Baboon" there....:P

[BubblyShell22]

No problem. Always glad to help out.

[ZariusTwo]

Added a new poster and two illustrations inspired by the script by Blossombrooks to page one

[BubblyShell22]

Wow. Awesome poster. Thanks for sharing it, Zarius.

[ZariusTwo]

Wow. Awesome poster. Thanks for sharing it, Zarius.

Thank Blossom for making it. I'll definatly be using it as the image for the novelization on FF.Net, and, permission withstanding, the cover for the script on Deviantart

[Blossombrooks]

Thank Blossom for making it. I'll definatly be using it as the image for the novelization on FF.Net, and, permission withstanding, the cover for the script on Deviantart

No problem Zarius, and of course you can use it however you want :tgrin:

[BubblyShell22]

Thanks for making an awesome cover, BB. It's great.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample

(Donatello and Baxter observe the manufacturing of the mousers)

DONATELLO:
Remarkable, the mousers operate on that level of frequency? That's the type perfected by the sonar of bats.

BAXTER:
Oh it's much, MUCH sharper than that, watch how quickly the mouser maneuvers through this brick maze towards the exit

(Baxter eyes up the mouser, he pulls out a stop watch, he places the mouser in the maze and activates his watch, the two keen minds look on as the mouser chews through the brick walls and towards the end of the maze)

DONATELLO:
It just chewed its way out

BAXTER:
Just look at the time it took to accomplish that

(Baxter stops his watch, Donatello reads the time)

DONATELLO:
Fifteen.eight seconds. Incredible

BAXTER:
Average time for an average task. That's why we always aim big.

DONATELLO:
And how long does it take a building to come down with things like this working away at it?

BAXTER:
You watch the news don't you?

DONATELLO:
Whenever I can...brothers permitting

BAXTER:
They know us to be sixty-minute mysteries...we always try to aim a little shorter though. Our work on "The Portal" took us a record setting forty-two minutes. Come Monday, we'll be aiming for thirty.

DONATELLO:
Half the time? Meh, not a bad score

BAXTER:
And you can do better?

DONATELLO:
I only repaired the mouser unit we tracked in fifteen.

BAXTER:
Fifteen.

DONATELLO:
Fifteen.

BAXTER:
Minutes?

DONATELLO:
...And thirty-eight seconds. Someone was timing me.

BAXTER:
Really? Interesting...I could do with a quick hand on one of my units...you wouldn't mind taking one back to whence you came and toy with it a little?

DONATELLO:
With permission, I'd love to toy with it a lot. I barely scratched the surface of how it worked the last time, with more minutes I could even hasten its productivity, and give you the means to get your demolition jobs done in even more of a record time

BAXTER:
You're green, not human, your type are all color coordinated like gay pride for ninjitsu... and impossible is written all over you...but...to some frightening degree I think I can trust you on this. You've got a deal

DONATELLO:
I do? Awesome. Thank you so much Mr. Stockman, I really feel we can help each other.

BAXTER:
Come, I'll arrange the handover of the unit personally

(the two walk past the testing of a large container. A scientist, partially shielded by a blast wall, uses a hook to press down on a button and the water content in the container begins to drain, triggering a countdown on a grey capsule visible within it)

DONATELLO:
What is that anyway?

BAXTER:
A dive bomb. A new type of explosive held in check by tight levels of water pressure. When the container is drained, it triggers an optional countdown procedure

DONATELLO:
And that ticks away to...what?

BAXTER;
Well what do you THINK bombs are for?

DONATELLO:
Don't know. Never seen one in action.

(The container drains, the timer hits "zero", and the capsule ignites, triggering a small explosion that rips the container apart)

BAXTER:
A mind of science and no concept of war....I envy you with every passing second Mr. 'Tello

DONATELLO:
..Dona...

BAXTER:
... is for girls. I'll call you Mr. 'Tello. Trust me, you'll do fine with Italian

[BubblyShell22]

Oooh, nice conversation between Baxter and Donnie here. You have a few mistakes I noticed: It's just chewed it's way out should be It just chewed its way out, and it's productivity should be its productivity. Other than that, nicely done. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Whoops. Thanks, it's been corrected now

I caught another mistake, "sixty-men mysteries" should have been "sixty-minute mysteries".

[ZariusTwo]

Working on more pages of this this week, though I sometimes think I'm going overlength (189 pages so far)

[Refractive Reflections]

Working on more pages of this this week, though I sometimes think I'm going overlength (189 pages so far)

LOL, my mind has questioned that about my own fannovel many times. :lol: But when I reread the content I wrote, I can see it was worth it for what I'm trying to accomplish.

Is this still going to be a script? Or are you making it into a story? Since you have 189 pages now.

If you have any questions ZariusTwo that I could help you with, feel free to PM me about it and I'll try my best to help. :)

[ZariusTwo]

Is this still going to be a script? Or are you making it into a story? Since you have 189 pages now.

It's going to be both a script AND a novel actually, much like how the audio scripts started out. I'm looking forward to doing the latter more.

Here's a quick sample

INT: WAREHOUSE

(Conduit is working at the main computer hub, looking over a large map of what appears to be the sewer network. He notices a small blip)

CONDUIT:
Saki, we've got something.

(Saki walks over to the computer hub)

SAKI:
Are you tracking it?

CONDUIT:
They're as good as ours

(Saki turns around and addresses his men)

SAKI:
Stir the beasts. Tonight we dine on Turtle soup.

And a slight tweeking of something I posted earlier in here (had to do some rewrites)

INT: TRAINING ROOM,
TURTLES LAIR

(April is seen practicing martial arts, she is barefoot and dressed in loose purple jeans and a blue bikini, Her hair is tied back. Master Splinter walks in on her training just as she finishes. She wipes the sweat from her head and notices him. She turns around and smiles)

APRIL:
Hey

SPLINTER:
I see you have been inspired by my students

APRIL:
All in case I come under fire again. Girl can't be tied to the railroad tracks forever, we all can get bored of that routine. I feel I now know what I want, and that’s to get an army prepped, it’s time for revenge

SPLINTER:
Vengeance ages the youth in the heart, and embitters the grace in your spirit

APRIL:
Yeah, well the moment your home comes crashing down before your eyes, be sure those words are on the menu served with plenty of crow

(Splinter points to his head)

SPLINTER:
Home is here. It will be downed only by death

APRIL:
You don’t believe in some kind of afterlife? A better place?

SPLINTER:
Afterlife is an afterthought, best reserved when you understand all that there is about life, but life is an eternal question, forever changing even when you leave it behind.

(April smiles faintly, she doesn’t quite buy into what Splinter means, but she has come to an understanding of his ways and is at peace with his words)

APRIL:
I just…don’t get how you and the others can be so at peace with the world when so much pain has passed before your eyes. Don’t you want to show yourselves? Shout at the world and make them realize how special you are?

SPLINTER:
We are sons of a silent age. A part of history not yet ready to imprint itself on the official version.

APRIL:
What will it take for you to step away from the shadows?

SPLINTER:
Nature is delicate, ever testing itself, tempered by a division of beauty and chaos. For there to be a beginning, there must be a blend

APRIL:
That’s a tall order

SPLINTER:
Everything comes to order. In time.

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome samples. I really liked them a lot, especially the April and Splinter one even if I have seen it before. Nicely done. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Yeah, I just restructured that one a bit. Sometimes I write out-of-sequence and I didnt exactly know where to place the scene when I came up with it a while back. I finally found a place in the script where I could include it.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample

INT:
GRAVE'S LABORATORY

(Inside one of the facility's glass chambers, the man identified earlier as Graves is watching a rat make his way through a maze towards a stack of cheese. The rat looks at the cheese and refuses to eat it)

GRAVES:
Good...hunger strike, the desired reaction

(Leonardo walks in, flunked by a storm trooper guard)

LEONARDO:
I'm sorry...Graves is it? I asked around.

GRAVES:
Who wants to know?

LEONARDO:
I do...I need a question answered

(Graves looks at the trooper)

GRAVES:
I told you cowboys never to come in here

STOMRTROOPER:
Can't do that sir, I'm on orders

GRAVES:
Pal, everyone in either a suit or a lab coat gives you orders, and I'm giving you a straight one now. Get out.

STORMTROOPER:
Sir, I really don't think...

GRAVES:
...Yeah, well if you did think, you'd be able to process what Max said earlier. This thing belongs with all the other things, it's our job to learn from them.

STORMTROOPER:
...Yes sir, if you're sure...

LEONARDO:
It's ok, I mean no harm, I just need to know something.

(The trooper turns to leave)

STORMTROOPER:
I'll be outside

GRAVES:
So long as you're out.

(The trooper leaves)

LEONARDO:
Thank you. I tried shaking him earlier, but this place seems to have eyes everywhere, I couldn't evade him

GRAVES:
Don't sweat it, I specialize in process of elimination, people with guns go first, guns can shatter anything and these guys NEVER put them away, they're always pointing them, or worse, putting them to the side, itchy trigger fingers, understandable in a place like this but completely inappropriate in a place like this at the same time, get what I mean?

LEONARDO:
I think...

GRAVES:
Good answer. You THINK. Now, ask away so you can get out too

LEONARDO:
You were called "Rat King the Second" by one of the people here.

GRAVES:
Yeah

LEONARDO:
...This..I'm not sure why I'm so sure myself, but just as the mention of that other name set us off, something about this does the same.. Your people work closely with creatures of all kinds.

GRAVES:
Correct

LEONARDO:
And rats are your thing right?

GRAVES;
Yes, though truth be told I inherited the task from my mentor.

LEONARDO:
...Who was the first "Rat King"

GRAVES:
Answered your own question. Smarter move. Now you can get out much quicke

LEONARDO:
Please...what was his name?

[ZariusTwo]

New sample

(Michelangelo and Maxwell join them, they are in the middle of their own conversation, talking about Mikey's favourite movie, "The Living Daylights")

MICHELANGELO:
...And then they take out the bridge just like that, BOOM. Those resistance fighters are the kind I want in my back pocket when the going gets tough

MAXWELL:
That's all well and good, but...when you think about it...you realize Bond was being helped by what would come to be known as theTaliban right?

MICHELANGELO:
...What's a Taliban?

(Maxwell shakes his head. Michelangelo spots Donatello)


MICHELANGELO:
How we doing bro?

DONATELLO:
I've got some homework to do, and I'd like to get started as soon as possible. Let's gather everyone up and head on home

MICHELANGELO:
But this place is awesome

DONATELLO:
It'll still be here when we get back...that is, if we're allowed back

MAXWELL:
You're more than welcome. You're our living legacy, you can expect the best of care from us should you require it

DONATELLO:
We'll be back as soon as we can, come on Mike

(As Michelangelo and Donatello make their way out of the department, Michelangelo turns back and waves)

MICHELANGELO:
We'll keep in touch, you guys have got to make me something for Christmas

(Donatello drags him away)

DONATELLO:
Let's be humble about all this shall we?

MICHELANGELO:
Dude, let them spoil us, after all they're family

MAXWELL:
It's a promise son.

(After they leave, Maxwell turns to Baxter)

MAXWELL:
Speaking of promises Baxter...when are you getting my answering machine fixed? I sent it to the shop months ago

BAXTER:
Oh it's on the way Max, though you really should settle for a cell phone

MAXWELL:
I'm old fashioned.

BAXTER:
To a stubborn degree

Also...some exciting news on the way. More details later.

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome samples. I noticed one mistake in the first one though: You can get out much quicke should be You can get out much quicker or you can get out quicker. Other than that, good job. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[Refractive Reflections]

The two above samples look good so far, but for me script samples are a little more difficult to interpret the scenery and emotional environment.

But anyways, in regards to the content it seems good and intriguing so far with getting a chance to know about the enigmatic Rat King's backstory. As for the second sample. Hmmm.... the Taliban....? Baxter....? This seems interesting. It appears this Maxwell character knows a lot.

By the way ZariusTwo, is this supposed to be in a particular universe? Or is it a combination of several universes? I saw the line, "Keep in mind that, as an experiment, and just for the sake of debate, I will be taking SLIGHT liberties, TMNT has always been about reinvention, so I won't be 100% faithful to the comics", so that's why I was asking. :)

[ZariusTwo]

By the way ZariusTwo, is this supposed to be in a particular universe? Or is it a combination of several universes?

It's a completly new continuity. A bastard child blending of the comics and bits and bobs of the original 'toon, and a LOT of my own original ideas for the characters.

The Taliban thing doesnt have much to do with the plot, I was just making a wry comment about Mikey's favourite Bond movie looking a lot more ackward in the context of history, don't look too far into that.

If you're having difficulty with the visuals, don't worry, the novelization will be more up your street...and it's coming sooner than even I thought.

[Refractive Reflections]

If you're having difficulty with the visuals, don't worry, the novelization will be more up your street...and it's coming sooner than even I thought.

Eh...it's not necessarily difficulty with the visuals, and I don't mind scripts in themselves, but sometimes (at least with other writers) it's hard to line up what the writer is trying to convey and what the reader is trying to interpret from the scene beyond just the dialogue. That's all... :)

[ZariusTwo]

Eh...it's not necessarily difficulty with the visuals, and I don't mind scripts in themselves, but sometimes (at least with other writers) it's hard to line up what the writer is trying to convey and what the reader is trying to interpret from the scene beyond just the dialogue. That's all... :)

I completly understand, though are bits in the script that are a lot more detail freakish, which makes novelizing it a lot easier later down the line

[ZariusTwo]

New sample


MICHELANGELO:
Alright Bat-Fink, this party dude is calling time on yours

WINGNUT:
...Where is the woman?

MICHELANGELO:
Wait. Hold everything...say that again

WINGNUT:
The woman, where is she...

MICHELANGELO;
No, no, say it EXACTLY the way you said it last time. For a minute there you sounded exactly like Nuclear Man..

(Wingnut looks at him funny)

MICHELANGEO:
You know...from Superman IV? I caught it on Netflix just a few hours ago. He was infatuated with this chick and he went out searching the city for her. He was all "where is the woman", and Superman was all "give it up, you'll never find her", and then he was all "If you do not tell me, I will hurt people" . He didnt hurt them though, he just lifted them really high in the air. That film was so lame

WINGNUT:
You're a joker.

MICHELANGELO:
I try my best

WINGUNT:
I led a whole pack of jokers.

MICHELANGELO:
Cool. What happened to 'em?

WINGUNT:
They died.

MICHELANGELO:
Woah...tough room for their jokes or something?

(Wingnut lunges at Michelangelo and swipes away at him with his talons, Mikey does his best to avoid them, but one talon hits the target, cutting Mikey across the chest)

MICHELANGELO:
Not funny. That is NOT funny.

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome sample. I love the last line the best. Not funny indeed.

[ZariusTwo]

Alrighty folks, here the exciting news I promised.

I reckon I have enough of the script completed to the point wher I can actually commence publishing the novelization.

[Blossombrooks]

Excellent news Zarius! I can't wait to read it. Your sig is looking damn cool by the way. ;)

[ZariusTwo]

Excellent news Zarius! I can't wait to read it. Your sig is looking damn cool by the way. ;)

Thanks, I thought it was about time I gave it a polish and give my fic projects some smoother representation. Have to thank you and your talent for making my sig look as polished as it is.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample

INT: SEWER HUB

(FIRST PERSON POV as Michelangelo's eyes open, he sees the kindly features of April staring back at him ,a wet cloth in her hand, Casey is with her, as are Raphael and Leonardo)

APRIL:
He's stirring

(We CUT TO A GROUP SHOT as Michelangelo awakens)

MICHELANGELO:
What...what happened?

APRIL:
It's alright Mike, you're ok.

MICHELANGELO:
No I'm not.

APRIL:
Can't lie about that one can I?

MICHELANGLO:
The others, what happened to....

RAPHAEL:
Don't worry, we got away.

MICHELANGELO:
How...

RAPHAEL:
Oh you know us...something that took a risk...something that took everyone by surprise

LEONARDO:
They spared us

MICHELANGELO:
...They...spared us? Like...let us go?

RAPHAEL:
...Simple idea isn't it? Put so much little of a fight and stand as little as a chance as possible and you can make even the hardest nail bend to your whims.

(Michelangelo looks around and finds Donatello seated to his right, looking at his laptop computer, Irma is beside him wrapping a bandage over his head)

DONATELLO:
I don't get it. How could our location have leaked like that?

IRMA:
Will you hold still? This gaping hole in your head isn't done leaking either

(The main hatch opens, Bishop and a few guards emerge)

BISHOP:
What the devil is going on here?

RAPHAEL:
Easy on the use of the religious iconagraphy Bishop...we have just been through hell after all

LEONARDO:
We must regroup quickly, and plan as much as we can for the rescue mission ahead

MICHELANGELO:
Rescue mission?


APRIL:
Take a look around. Notice anyone missing?

(Michelangelo gets his bearings and counts how many are there, then stops when he realizes someone of vital importance is missing)

MICHELANGELO:
...Dad.

[BubblyShell22]

Whoa. Awesome sample. Yep, it's not good that Splinter is missing. And I'll be sure to read the novelization over on FF for sure. Nicely done. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Whoa. Awesome sample. Yep, it's not good that Splinter is missing. And I'll be sure to read the novelization over on FF for sure. Nicely done. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

Thanks, I've got about three chapters of the novelization up right now, I hope to add another three tommorow (time permitting, after all, Doctor Who is back tommorow so I'll be glued to the tv and online stuff regarding that):)

[Slade]

So I had to read what you had for the novelization first. I love what you have so far. I haven't read the script yet, but I'm going to go back through the thread and do so.

I do have to ask, in chapter 1, was he actually using daggers or was it sais?

And in 3, you have the countdown go from 18 to 19, then in I think the next paragraph it counts from 30 to 28 and later on 18 to 19 again.

Also is Casey swinging the puck or the stick?


Sorry if I sound like I'm nitpicking.

[ZariusTwo]

I do have to ask, in chapter 1, was he actually using daggers or was it sais?

It was sais, but I was trying to go for an outsiders perspective who might not be aware they are called "sais". I actually describe them as "sais" in the script though....maybe I should change it

Whoops on the countdown mess-up. Good catch.

Also is Casey swinging the puck or the stick?

...I'm going to sound really stupid here, but I always assumed those two meant the same thing:(

Sorry if I sound like I'm nitpicking.

Not at all mate, you're pointing out genuine mistakes I can fix and being quite helpful. It happens a lot with my fics, Bubbly helps out with spelling mistakes and other things too. I don't know if it's got something to do with my mild dyspraxia or not, but I keep having misfires like that. However, I do polish them up once they're pointed out to me (and sometimes I'm able to catch them as well on rereading the stuff)

Glad you like what I have so far. I tried to get three more chapters up last night but Doctor Who got in the way.

[Slade]

Damn you Dr. Who! :D Nah, but I'm really looking forward to it. Like I said I've got to go back and read the script. Probably today.

I do think it would be more gruesome if Casey was hitting him with the puck!

[ZariusTwo]

Damn you Dr. Who! :D Nah, but I'm really looking forward to it. Like I said I've got to go back and read the script. Probably today.

Just a heads up, you won't find the full script in here, just samples, and the samples arent neccersarily in the right story order either. The full thing will be released on Deviantart in the summer.

I've managed to upload at least one new chapter of the novel today, so you have that to tie you over.

I do think it would be more gruesome if Casey was hitting him with the puck!

Heh, true, now that I know the difference, I could have really made him one resourceful mofo:)

[Gokhan]

I like this script

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks, it's always nice to know I'm leaving a good impression:)

[ZariusTwo]

New sample

(April and Casey are seen exiting the building, heading into the crammed, noisy “car park”. The two are spotted by a shady man in BLACK GLASSES, with a SPIKED HAIRDO, he swiftly moves away and heads towards a small group of people amassed near a BLACK LAND ROVER.

CASEY:
…Wanna go cruising down the motorway?

APRIL:
Sure my car’s just over…

CASEY:
Forget that jalopy for an hour. I’m taking you on a rough and very real ride

(He leads her towards a nearby MOTORCYCLE, sandwiched in between two cars. It‘s a motorcycle that has seen better days, even some dust remains on the tattered seats)

CASEY:
Found it abandoned outside the garage. Just got it fine tuned yesterday

(Casey is beaming with pride, April, however, cannot help but be perfectly honest)

APRIL:
It looks like crap. Can it go?

CASEY:
Like a dream.

APRIL:
If it doesn’t kill me in the middle of one, I’m good to go.

[ZariusTwo]

New sample (this scene has been posted in the novelization so it's safe to put it here)

EXT: EASTMAN LEISURE CENTER
DAY

(An establishing shot of the building)

WE SWIFTLY CUT TO:
INT: EASTMAN LEISURE CENTER

(A CLOSE-UP of a MID-THIRTIES MALE, WITH LONG BLACK HAIR, TALL BUILD, REELING BACK IN PAIN, he is reacting to a punch to the face. His Nose is BLOODIED.

This is CASEY JONES, April O’Neil’s boyfriend, engaged in some heavy handed STREET FIGHT taking place on the dangerous, slippery ICE RINK.

As he is pushed back, we hear the ROAR of a FEVERISH CROWD of DEGENERATE OLDER MEN AND WOMEN, all stationed in the seats surrounding the Ice Rink. Their fury held back by the PLEXI-GLASS

Casey takes his time recovering, and his opponent, a MUSCULAR, but FAT BLONDE MALE with a RHINOSAUROUS TATOO, is content to let him recover. He crunches his GLOVED KNUCKLES with pure relish. He spits out some tobacco)

He charges towards Casey,, but he is able to duck clear in time. The muscular man SMASHES HEAD-FIRST into the wall, but, incredibly, isn’t fazed or downed by the impact. Aggravated, he turns around and charges at Casey again, this time, the charge is SUCCESFUL, the young fighter is picked off his feet and both men go tumbling into the HOCKEY BENCHES. The Crowd reacts with an “OOOH”, and then more heckling bombards them.

Casey tries to get up, but his adversary seizes a window and gets on top of him, he scoops Casey’s head up in the heavy palm of his right hand)

MUSCULAR MAN:
Time to start punching the clock JONES

(He begins DEALING BLOW AFTER BLOW TO CASEY WITH HIS LEFT HAND)

.MUSCULAR MAN:
55...54...53

(As he continues reigning down the blows, the young fighter manages to catch a glimpse of a DIGITAL CLOCK HIGH ATOP THE STAGE, COUNTING DOWN FROM 52 SECONDS. The muscular Man, as well as the crowd, are chanting the countdown.

The valiant young fighter, in what could be his last active chance at defiance, HEAD BUTTS the muscular man, he reels back, equally pained by the maverick effort. The countdown continues, the digital clock now reaching 19...18...

The young fighter looks around for something, ANYTHING, to keep his opponent down for the count. He spots a SPORTS BAG containing a HOCKEY MASK and a STICK Thinking fast, he grabs the mask and stick. He places the mask on his face and swings the hockey stick around

CASEY JONES:
Alright

(The crowd continues to chant the ominous countdown. On the Digital clock high above the rink, we are now down to 31..30...29...

Casey stands up, his face now bears protection, and he arms himself with the stick. The muscular man stands up, cracks his knuckles again. He moves forward, Casey cautions him with the puck, his opponent laughs)

MUSCULAR MAN:
This ain't Friday the 14th Jason Voorhees

CASEY JONES:
13th. It’s the 13th you useless ****

MUSCULAR MAN:
14...13...doesn’t matter. You aint lasting THOSE kinda seconds with me

CASEY JONES:
Kinda like all your girlfriends right…come late to the party don’t cha?

(This upsets the Muscular Man. BIG TIME. He starts swinging PUNCHES, some CONENECT to Casey’s face, his hockey mask shields him from the brunt of the blows .Casey retaliates, swinging the stick into his opponent, he reels back, but doesn’t fall. Casey swings again, this time THRUSTING THE STICK INTO HIS FOES’ CHEST the man smiles and grabs Casey with both hands, gripping him in a tight BEAR HUG. The crowd and the clock are now down to 20 seconds…19.…18.

Almost out of time, Casey looks somewhere to score a critical hit. He finds it. He KNEES HIS OPPONENT IN THE GROIN. The man howls, he lets go. Casey hoists the puck above his head and brings it down on the back of his foe. Another hit, AND Another. The man is floored, he turns his body around, his face is met with a thunderous barrage of hits from a hockey puck Casey has found, fourteen hits follow in succession, all in retaliation for busting up Casey’s nose. The clock is down to 10...9...8...)

CROWD:
…7...6...5...4..

(Casey finishes off his adversary with a fifteenth, devastating STRIKE TO HIS HEAD, and drops the puck as the Digital Clock, and the sheepish crowd, finally get to ZERO

There is an UPROAR from the feverish crowd, who have gotten their money’s worth. A LANKY MAN in a BLACK SHIRT raises Casey’s hand in victory. AN ANNOUNCER addresses the audience)

ANNOUNCER:
THE WINNER OF THE BOUT…CASEY JONES!

[ZariusTwo]

New sample


DONATELLO:
Maxwell, I need to patch into your network, is that ok?

MAXWELL:
Whatever for?

IRMA:
He needs patching up in the head. Get a doctor to look at it before you use that noggin for anything else

DONATELLO:
Look, I'm fine Irma, you don't need to molly-coddle me

IRMA:
You think I like seeing you like this?

DONATELLO:
You...like...seeing me.?

(Irma takes her glasses off to dry her eyes as she gets slightly emotional)

IRMA:
Of course I do. You're brave and so smart, so knowledgeable about the way things work, I envy that about you, and you make me laugh, usually the only person that can do that is me 'cause nobody gives me the time...except April...and now...

(Donatello reaches out to her and gently and tenderly strokes his right hand on her right cheek)

DONATELLO:
Tears like that tell me a lot of things. It's more than a "like" isn't it? Much more


IRMA:
..Oh it's a dream. A silly comic book wish-fulfillment fantasy.

DONATELLO:
Doesn't have to be.

IRMA:
I'm a realist.

DONATELLO:
I'm an optimist. That's the only way any progress gets made

IRMA:
...It wouldn't work. Just wouldn't. This world...it's all too black and white.

DONATELLO:
And yet all I've ever seen with you is living color

(they move closer to each other, their lips almost connecting, when Donatello spots Maxwell still standing there)

MAXWELL:
..You were saying something about the network?

(Donatello composes himself)

DONATELLO:
Yes, yes of course Maxwell

(Irma clicks her fingers in annoyance and quickly puts her glasses back on)

[Blossombrooks]

Awww!! Poor Irma you thwarted her fantasy! :D That is a really cute scene.

[Refractive Reflections]

Hey Zarius,

I just reviewed the first 5 chapters so far, and it's doing well so far. I can definitely see the T rated portions of this story (the language, Casey's baby mama drama, and Shredder skewering Bebop's shoulder). It's making me a bit curious as to just how far the subject matter will go (you don't have to tell me, you can leave it as a surprise :D), especially the more brutal and intense fights with the Turtles.

Since this fanfic has many more chapters, compared to the Fred Wolf fanfics, I'll probably give my broader reviews here after every 5-10 chapters or so. It all depends on the pacing and how quickly the events pass in the fic, so it could fluctuate.

Until next time...;)

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks again J, I'll try to correct some of the minor aspects you pointed out when I have time.

I need to finish this script sometime, we're still good at the moment with the novel updates, but I've yet to conclude this whole peice. I do have the ending written, just how to lead into the final act that's the current stumbling block.

[BubblyShell22]

Aww, poor Irma. She was so close to kissing Don and then Maxwell had to ruin it. Awesome sample, Zar.

[Whatswiththeheadbands?]

i like how the turtles in the fan art on the first post look like the ones i grew up with - the 2003 incarnation

[ZariusTwo]

Finally have some free time to continue the script, here's a short sample...with a touch of product placement.

(the pursuit of Baxter continues)

LOUDSPEAKER:
Attention! Until further notice, this facility is in lockdown. We apologize for any inconvenience

RAPHAEL:
We need to slow him down, so you better think fast!

DONATELLO:
You're not yourself right now.

RAPHAEL:
Yeah well I'm hungry.

DONATELLO:
You want a snickers?

RAPHAEL:
Any better ideas?

DONATELLO:
I guess Mikey's birthday present's gotta come early

RAPHAEL:
What do you mean by that?

DONATELLO:
This.

(he produces something from his shell. Raph's face beamed. It is a grappling hook)

RAPHAEL:
Just the thing

(he aims at Baxter and fires the grappling hook, it wraps around Baxter's legs and sends him to the floor. Raphael presses a button on the compact device and the hook and it's quarry find themselves being dragged back to them)

DONATELLO:
Nice aim. Strong catch

RAPHAEL:
Thanks. Now hand it over.

DONATELLO:
Hand what over?

RAPHAEL:
The snickers doofus.

(Donatello sighs and reaches in to his shell. He pulls out the snickers)

DONATELLO:
Better?

RAPHAEL:
Better

(he takes a bite out of it)

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome sample though Snicker's needs to be capitalized as it's a proper noun. I did like the exchange of "Better?" "Better." as a nod to the famous commercials. Nicely done.

[Whatswiththeheadbands?]

Leo's quite a jerk in this so far

[ZariusTwo]

Leo's quite a jerk in this so far

Yep, he's got issues...all of which are explained

[Refractive Reflections]

Hey ZariusTwo,

I finished reading Ch. 1-12, and I can see where the T rating is coming from now with the language, alcohol/drug references, and brutal punishments of Bebop and Rocksteady. But it's not bad or anything, just different. So far it seems like it's 90% OT "gone darker in combination with the 1990 TMNT movie" so far from what I've read, but I guess I'll see some other TMNT incarnations soon enough after reading some later reviews :P.

I enjoy the multiple story lines here with the buildings being mysteriously destroyed (by the robots apparently), an apparent connection between the photograph of Ms. Ester's teenage relative and a mutated animal along with Bebop who has mutated, the complicated April and Casey relationship, and Leo's insistence to remain "in the shadows."

As I pointed out earlier in ff.net, it's a little unusual to see Raphael be more heroic in wanting to stop crime and Leonardo wanting to remain reclusive. Leonardo is much more stoic here, and I'm wondering if he's more Mirage Leonardo here. (I'm vaguely familiar with the comics' versions of the Turtles.) I guess I'm unsure how far, or how long this story is, but so far the Turtles seem to remain "in the shadows" ;) so to speak by not being in the forefront yet, while April and Saki seem to be though. I'm predicting you're still trying to set up the plot and lay the foundation for everything, which is fine too...:D

Besides small grammar or very minor word errors, the story looks generally fine. But there's one thing that's lacking a bit, and it's the emotional description of the story. (One example is in my review for Ch. 7 with the motorcycle-car chase scene. It's totally up to you, but adding some "heart racing" descriptions, the fear, the blur of the environment and cars as Casey and April weaved through traffic, the tense anxious muscles of April trying to fight back, etc.). I don't know how much you want to emphasize it, but it can dramatically increase the suspense and can "plant" the reader into the tense situation right there with the character. In your OT novella fanfics, you displayed this when April was explaining how she distanced herself from the Turtles and felt emotionally lost in the sixth book "The Flies That Came To Dinner". It's just a small suggestion of mine, that's all, but doing so could help tug at the emotions of the reader and help relate more to those characters, if it's what you want in this particular fanfic.

If there are any particular aspects of the story you want me to keep a heavy eye on (i.e. character development, story suspense/plot, tone of the story, emotional/physical descriptions, pacing, etc.) that you're curious about what a reader may think of it, feel free to tell me and I can give you my small, humble opinion on it. :D

Looking forward to the next segment of chapters. :)

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks for all your helpful reviews J, it's appreciated

Yeah, the descriptive portions are lacking in places because I'm working word for word off the script, a lot of the prowse is actually what was in there and I didnt put a lot of time into...well..the parts that required "acting":P. Not to mention the script was written almost a year ago so I hadnt picked up on a few things I would apply to my more concurrent novella work

I think I get a bit better in the descriptions as the book goes on, but I'll leave that for you to judge. Yeah, so far the story is slow, but everything is being pecied together as you suspect, and when we get rolling, it all gets a lot faster.

[Refractive Reflections]

Thanks for all your helpful reviews J, it's appreciated

As long as the reviews are helpful to you, then I'm always glad to help. :) As you already know, I just want to give some "meat on the bones" when it comes to some reviews, so at least you'll have some idea of how the reader is perceiving things.


Yeah, the descriptive portions are lacking in places because I'm working word for word off the script, a lot of the prowse is actually what was in there and I didnt put a lot of time into...well..the parts that required "acting":P. Not to mention the script was written almost a year ago so I hadnt picked up on a few things I would apply to my more concurrent novella work

:P I guess the title with "TMNT Movie Script", it should have given me a clue about that, in which it would be more script than a story. Even though I know you wrote this almost a year ago, I noticed that you started posting the "We Are Shadows" chapters after "Mutants and Miracles", so I figured maybe you did some small revisions from whatever experience you had from those 5 OT novellas and incorporated them into the "We Are Shadows" story before posting them. (What I was assuming, was using the experience from the emotional descriptions from "The Lotus and the Sun" and "Mutants and Miracles" and touching up the "We Are Shadows" chapters with that type of detail upon rereading it.) But don't worry about it or anything, I guess I was assuming a different method to your revision/editing style. :P


I think I get a bit better in the descriptions as the book goes on, but I'll leave that for you to judge. Yeah, so far the story is slow, but everything is being pecied together as you suspect, and when we get rolling, it all gets a lot faster.

Looking forward to more of the story! ;)

[ZariusTwo]

New sample. This takes place just before Don and Raph find out about a certain someone's involvment with an incident from earlier in the story

(Raphael approaches Donatello, who is scanning the mouser network)

RAPHAEL:
Anything?

DONATELLO:
A lot of things. It's hard to navigate through this.

RAPHAEL:
You seem pretty confident nobody in this outfit set us up

DONATELLO:
It's a trait Splinter taught me, to always read faces as easily as one comprehends a book, and make logical deductions based off character.

RAPHAEL:
I find that really funny since you're so busy with machines more than man.

(he spots some lipstick on Donatello's cheek)

RAPHAEL:
...And other things

DONATELLO:
Hmm?

RAPHAEL:
Is that...ketchup or something? On your face, I mean

DONATELLO:
Oh, Irma gave me it when I started running tests. She's off to get me some coffe

RAPHAEL:
You know what Master Splinter said about tatooes...

DONATELLO:
Will you relax already? It totally comes off

RAPHAEL:
I don't see you wiping it

DONATELLO:
My fingers are on the keys genius.

RAPHAEL:
It doesn't take a whiz to understand your fingers could all over something else sooner or later

DONATELLO:
There!

RAPHAEL:
What?

DONATELLO:
I KNEW there was something lying underneath all this...

RAPHAEL:
Well, women get funny like that, I read it in a magazine lying around the sewers once...

DONATELLO:
No, not that. What's on the network. There's some sort of diverted route hidden under some dummy encodes above the standard co-oridinated map outline for the mousers, someone was really lazy at this..

RAPHAEL:
And everyone else must have been just as lazy not to notice it

DONATELLO:
Oh, to even professionally trained minds, this sort of thing can go over their average gaze

RAPHAEL:
But not yours

DONATELLO:
I'm brimming with genius

RAPHAEL:
You're full of something alright

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome sample. Looks like Irma's been kissing Don, hasn't she? I spotted a few mistakes: coffe should be coffee, and tattoes should be tattoos. Other than those little errors, awesome job on this. I can't wait for more.

[ZariusTwo]

Small sample


LEONARDO:
Master Splinter!

SPLINTER:
Fortunate that you are here...but your oasis lies in the Mirage

DONATELLO:
The theatre

LEONARDO:
Don and I will head over there, Raph, you look after Splinter

RAPHAEL:
Hey, I'm very likely the one everyone will have a great time reading about if you're dumb enough to get us on the cover of every major newspaper in the country, how come I get to stay home?

LEONARDO:
You've asserted yourself well in many things Raph, this is another test. Besides, if we fall, we need you and hopefully Mike to rise.

RAPHAEL:
Except Mike only ever rises when the alarm clock goes off.

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome sample, Zar. I loved Raph's last line about Mikey only getting up when the alarm clock goes off. That was funn. Nicely done on this. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Another short sample from near the end of the film


DONATELLO:
In case you can't tell, I'm red all over at the moment

IRMA:
That's ok. It's living color. Just the way you like it.

(They kiss)

MICHELANGELO:
Well, what do ya know...

RAPHAEL:
I've gotta get me one of those

MICHELANGELO:
Knowing your luck you'd prefer locking lips with something that smiles and doesn't talk back, like the mona lisa or something

[BubblyShell22]

Wow. Awesome sample. Loved Mikey's joke about the Mona Lisa. Nicely done as always, Zar.

[Refractive Reflections]

Hmm... where to start. :P

It seems like these chapters are placing April, Casey, and Gabrielle's love triangle to forefront of the story. I enjoyed how Chapter 13 revealed Casey's backstory with Bishop mocking him, and these chapters (13-31) seems to present how complicated April and Casey's relationship is. One thing that threw me off was in Chapter 13, when April was upset and throws a lamp, and I can understand Casey comforting her, but letting the phone ring after their lives are threatened with both Bishop and Saki's thugs? :-? To me, ignoring the phone call of another possible threat would make me very anxious.
It's interesting how Gabrielle still has feelings for Casey (could he have feelings for her too?), and Casey's jealousy toward Michelangelo, in which Michelangelo is able to comfort April in a way that Casey can't.

I guess the reason I said April, Casey, and Gabrielle seems to be in the forefront is that there hasn't been any heavy Turtle-focused chapters just yet. I mean there's the introduction they make with April and Irma, but the Turtle conversations are usually about fighting (in the present situation) or comedic situations/dialogue, with the exception of Michelangelo interacting with Zach and his friends (which is entertainingly warm and funny scene in Chapter 15.) I'm looking forward still to some brother-to-brother conversations, or Turtle-Splinter conversations to get to know the Turtles better.

I'm still interested to see how and why Leonardo is still reclusive to stay in the shadows. What really surprised me, was how Leonardo was willing to fight ("If you two take another step further in this direction, I move in") Raphael rather than asking to speak with Splinter first. The Leonardo in your fanfic is much more obdurate than how he was depicted in the OT, 4Kids, Nick, and movie versions. It's an unusual depiction of Leonardo because usually we (the readers) expect Leonardo to be very disciplined and firm, but still merciful and compassionate. Here he seems unrelentingly authoritative and I'm finding myself supporting Raphael's position.

One prominent shining moment in these chapters were the scenes with Splinter (Ch. 20-22), in his characterization (have some emotions beyond the wise stoic teacher), talking with April, and his description of the story about his master Hamato Yoshi and their beginnings. The fighting of Hamato Yoshi had both physical and emotional descriptions that brought the action/fighting scene to life. ...Maybe it was Splinter's narration that gave it that added emotional tone to it.

I do enjoy how you are able to add in Michelangelo humor and Raphael's quips in the story to balance out the seriousness of the story (action and suspense) with some comedic relief.

A couple of the fighting scenes and a story line did prompt my "analytical side": Hamato Yoshi's behavior with his hand being severed, and Bebop's still being conscious (after Leonardo made a "gash" on him and Raphael stabbing Bebop's arm), Bebop's strength (couldn't rip off the duct tape, but could tear out a street light reinforced by steel and concrete), and the plot hole with Irma (in Chapter 22 she's in the lair but then in Chapter 23, she's gone). :P But of course, you know me and details.:lol:

The story is evolving to be more complex, but not complicated, and I enjoy that, with Saki now wanting more mutants, the police communication "jammer" being used, Michelangelo's affectionate concern to April, April's house now destroyed, and the love triangle between April, Casey, and Gabrielle.
...I have a feeling later on in the story that I'm going to read about Leonardo finally confronting his brothers, on why he was so resistant to be involved with the humans and be on the surface.

Oh, I forgot to add one more thing. Love the hilarious Easter egg moments and references to the other versions of TMNT. :D

Until next time Zarius! :):D

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks again for the extensive series of reviews J.

Leonardo's overreactions absolutely do have a storyline purpose to them. I've already given you big clues as to why and a question you asked once plays a big part in why he is how he is, read on to find out.

I've put Irma back into Chapter 23, not a big role, I just gave her a c couple of redudnant lines of Aprils'. I needed to go back in and polish that chapter anyway. And the duct tape issue will be brought up in one of the final few chapters as a coy nod to your nit-picky nature, rofl

Since there's an action beat every few chapters, and so much is going on with so many characters to deal with, I don't think I've had time for many Turtle-Turtle interactions for most of the story I'm afraid, but there is a choice exchange between Leo and Splinter down the line that I think you'll like.

[Refractive Reflections]

Thanks again for the extensive series of reviews J.

Leonardo's overreactions absolutely do have a storyline purpose to them. I've already given you big clues as to why and a question you asked once plays a big part in why he is how he is, read on to find out.

Hmm...looks like I'll have to focus a bit more on that. ;) (Got a lot on my plate to review here, which is probably why I overlooked those clues. :P)


I've put Irma back into Chapter 23, not a big role, I just gave her a c couple of redudnant lines of Aprils'. I needed to go back in and polish that chapter anyway. And the duct tape issue will be brought up in one of the final few chapters as a coy nod to your nit-picky nature, rofl

"Nit-picky" nature. LOL, yeah... I guess when I'm seeing somebody trying to make a gem of a fanwork, I like to help the creator "polish" and make it brighter when I notice so much effort has been put into it. :D Maybe much more than what's wanted...:lol: As always, and of course you already know this :P, it's always just my lowly opinion and perspective. :)

Since there's an action beat every few chapters, and so much is going on with so many characters to deal with, I don't think I've had time for many Turtle-Turtle interactions for most of the story I'm afraid, but there is a choice exchange between Leo and Splinter down the line that I think you'll like.
I'm fine with that. As always, wherever you want to take the story Zarius. :) I write reviews sometimes with a bit of speculation and anticipation, just so the author knows where the reader is coming from and is expecting. For me at least, it's helpful if reviewers include some of that so I can take the aggregation of reviews from multiple different readers, and know if my foreshadowing and hints in the writing is coming off the way I expected or not. That's all.
So it's not disappointing or anything if there is few to no Turtle-Turtle interactions. :) The plot and twists are captivating!

Keep doing your great writing!

[ZariusTwo]

New sample


INT: MIRAGE THEATRE
(Inside the theatre, there was a faint flicker of light as Rocksteady and Bebop naviogated tyheir way thorugh dark corridors using a small lantern they had appropriated from elsdewhere in the building, they are looking for a place to place the bomb. Saki is behind them setting up a video recorder)

ROCKSTEADY:
Boss, can I ask you something?

SAKI:
Ask. But make it quick

ROCKSTEADY:
Why are you dressed like that?

SAKI:
Dressed like what?

ROCKSTEADY:
Like some kind of Samurai.

SAKI:
It's incognito.

ROCKSTEADY:
But why did you dress like that around us?

BEBOP:
Yeah, we all know what you look like

SAKI:
I have to get into character

BEBOP:
Character?

SAKI:
The world's great enemies need not a face, but a shadow. We will forever BE shadows, my mask, my outfit, my character, will convey that threat to those that watch the recording I'm setting up. Every great flight of a doomed bird requires a black box to go with it so when the fall is so great, those on the ground curious will reach for the box and find their answers..we will drop a name to associate with the shadow

ROCKSTEADY:
...You got this from the Doctor Who marathon didn't you? That Vashda Nerada whatdoyoucallit?

SAKI:
It matters not where the idea originated

ROCKSTEADY:
Oh you so got him Bebop....nerd

(Saki charges towards Rocksteady)

SAKI:
Do you wish to stand shoulder to shoulder' with Bebop?

(Rocksteady looks on as Bebop tensely rubs his wounded shoulder)

ROCKSTEADY:
Carry on, carry on...

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome sample. I really liked it and can't wait for more.

[Refractive Reflections]

First of all, sorry for the delay but you know stuff happens. :P
Phew...Get ready for this detailed review. :lol: (I'm putting some spoilers in the the review, just for any new readers that come across this thread.) This review may be choppy, so I'll organize it here by numbering my points.

1) I gotta ask was April's journal entry in Chapter 33, supposed to be a nod to the original TMNT movie when April was narrating in the movie when she discussing about each of the Turtles?

2) One thing I enjoyed was the bonding conversations especially with April & Michelangelo, and with Leonardo & Casey.
2a) It was good that you made April ask if Michelangelo explored "heavy stuff", because knowing how comical Michelangelo is (at least how you made him here) it would have appeared to be an awkward relationship between a juvenile, spontaneous fun-loving person with a serious, stubborn journalist without that conversation.

2b) As for Leonardo and Casey, it's a bonding moment I don't think I would have ever thought of before. Usually we're so used to seeing Raphael and Casey bond, but this was refreshingly different in a way. Was that intentional, or were just trying to find a way to reveal Leonardo's backstory here? As I mentioned before, Leo's hindsight narration brings the emotions out and it's an applaudable moment here.

So it finally made sense now with why Leonardo was angsty...
that he had a relationship of sorts with Venus, who was destroyed by Shredder. It would explain the feelings of inadequacy and guilt Leonardo is experiencing. The reason I was uncertain was because Leonardo was a child (3 years old here? Since they are 18 and the flashback said 15 years ago.) and I didn't know if it was his girlfriend or just a friend. These lines give it that poignancy: What once was a lively, slow but gentle creature was now a mess of barely recognizable goo. Leonardo gathered as much of the solid chunks of the trodden corpse as possible and nursed them in his hands. Tears welled up in his eyes. He stared up at the stars. The more you describe the mental and emotional thought process of the characters, the more it helps to engage the reader's emotions on why the tragic situation is so immense and heartbreaking. I don't know how emotionally in depth you want your writing, but if you describe the thought by thought process, it will help to create a more powerful emotional scene and give the reader more to emotionally relate to. Just my lowly two cents here.

3) As for Irma and Donatello, the potential kiss seemed a little rushed here. I guess I should consider the length of the story, but there wasn't a warmth between them like Michelangelo and April had. With Michelangelo and April, there was a serious heartfelt moment during the "heavy stuff" conversation, with Donatello and Irma... :ohwell: it was more or less humorous quipping. I guess I was looking for more of a "foundational principle" (if I'm making sense :P) on what was bonding them together, something more substantial like April and Michelangelo had here to elevate the Donatello-Irma relationship to a more serious romantic level.

4) I got to say that your twists on the TMNT elements are unexpected... to say the least. :P:lol: With the Technodrome being used by the government and operated by Bishop, Hamato Yoshi being known as the "Rat King", Utrom being used as an acronym for mutations project, the Turtles helping and aiding the government, Oroku Saki being a businessman/researcher before assuming leadership of the Foot Clan. It was a bit odd though that with so much secrecy, (yes I know that Maxwell sensed he could trust the Turtles) Maxwell was so willing to allow such a secret operation to be revealed to the Turtles. It could have been a bit more convincing if somehow Maxwell felt forced somehow to reveal it.

5) The humor is very good. The TMNT references are cleverly subtle, and the humor tone between the characters is properly dry and witty here; some examples: Irma and Donatello's exchange (Ch. 45), the brotherly joking between Raphael and Donatello (Ch. 50).

6) The action scene at Ch. 51 stood out, with its detail, especially with Raphael's anger and language. (I didn't mind the language. :lol:) The physical descriptions were fantastic: "Stay down, you sniveling little BASTARD" Raphael cried out and viciously kicked Baxter square in the gut as he tried to get to his feet. Raphael grabbed Baxter's head and smacked it off the floor, Baxter's glasses were crushed in the impact.
...But to give that real fiery spark, if there was a bit more description on Raphael's racing heated emotions, it would have highlighted the bitterness and betrayal here, of knowing that their only home, their "refuge" from the harsh world was ultimately... destroyed. ...Do you see what I mean?

7) Lastly, before I end, you're writing Splinter remarkably well here with his speech, wisdom, and outlook. One thing that bothered me a bit was that Splinter seemed a bit aloof with Leonardo (Ch. 45), I was expecting more fatherly warmth after Splinter noticed how troubled Leonardo looked (i.e. an embrace or some type of personal encouragement) rather than giving some "teachable deep wisdom."

For example in this scene: "It is not the method that moves us forward, but the choices. A good heart and a sane mind cannot be artificially constructed or programmed into us, it must be built by experience and enhanced by the care and attention we receive from others. We move forward through acceptance of the experience, of the memory, and the choice" Splinter advised.

I was hoping for Splinter to personalize the advice more to Leonardo, of how unique and wonderful Leonardo was himself. It could have displayed the more doting, paternal side of Splinter here.


Looks like the story is coming into the home stretch here Zarius! It'll be interesting to see how everything ends. Keep doing your good writing! :):D

[Whatswiththeheadbands?]

Maybe Michael Bay should take a look at this script.

[ZariusTwo]

Wow, thanks for the compliment there Head Bands, that means an awful lot.

And thanks for your feedback as usual J.

1) I gotta ask was April's journal entry in Chapter 33, supposed to be a nod to the original TMNT movie when April was narrating in the movie when she discussing about each of the Turtles?

Got it in one there.

So it finally made sense now with why Leonardo was angsty...
I don't know how emotionally in depth you want your writing, but if you describe the thought by thought process, it will help to create a more powerful emotional scene and give the reader more to emotionally relate to. Just my lowly two cents here.

Sometimes that sort of thing comes to when I'm particularly inspired, other times I avoid it just to rush a chapter out. Not a good idea in principle I know, as it seems I'd rather have the result assessed rather than the effort. I'll try to sprouse up on that area in the closing chapters.

3) As for Irma and Donatello, the potential kiss seemed a little rushed here. I guess I should consider the length of the story, but there wasn't a warmth between them like Michelangelo and April had. With Michelangelo and April, there was a serious heartfelt moment during the "heavy stuff" conversation, with Donatello and Irma... :ohwell: it was more or less humorous quipping. I guess I was looking for more of a "foundational principle" (if I'm making sense :P) on what was bonding them together, something more substantial like April and Michelangelo had here to elevate the Donatello-Irma relationship to a more serious romantic level.

I kind of approached Don/Irma more matter of factly, being that Donatello is a little more logical about things, and Irma is more sheltered than April is and bottles herself up a lot, hiding behind cynacism and regualrity. I feel the subtle little teases hey had over the whole of the story were sufficient enough to justify their near kiss here. Besides, the story isnt over and you're going to get a real baptism of fire for the two coming up

4) I got to say that your twists on the TMNT elements are unexpected... to say the least. :P:lol: With the Technodrome being used by the government and operated by Bishop, Hamato Yoshi being known as the "Rat King", Utrom being used as an acronym for mutations project, the Turtles helping and aiding the government, Oroku Saki being a businessman/researcher before assuming leadership of the Foot Clan. It was a bit odd though that with so much secrecy, (yes I know that Maxwell sensed he could trust the Turtles) Maxwell was so willing to allow such a secret operation to be revealed to the Turtles. It could have been a bit more convincing if somehow Maxwell felt forced somehow to reveal it.

Yeah, Maxwell just caught up in the exicitability of seeing his organization's life's work yeild some interesting results. If it helps, Mikey even calls him out on his willigness to share information TWICE, a little wink to the audience that I'm unashamedly just trying to move the story along and not bog it down, and I'm having one of the characters reprimand me for it so that the audience doesnt:lol:

6) The action scene at Ch. 51 stood out, with its detail, especially with Raphael's anger and language. (I didn't mind the language. :lol:) The physical descriptions were fantastic:
...But to give that real fiery spark, if there was a bit more description on Raphael's racing heated emotions, it would have highlighted the bitterness and betrayal here, of knowing that their only home, their "refuge" from the harsh world was ultimately... destroyed. ...Do you see what I mean?

Perfectly. I can go back in there and add some emphasis if you want.

It could have displayed the more doting, paternal side of Splinter here.

I understand what you mean here, I was trying to make Splinter speak as if everyone was of a collective whole, that they were all his sons, and that keeping the components in check exceeded the need to address them individually. I might put something about that in Splinter's next scene in the story actually, thanks for that bit of inspiration

[ZariusTwo]

Well...we're just about done. I just completed and uploaded the final two chapters of the novelisation. Oddly, I havent actually finished the script yet, but I figured with only so few chapters to go I may as well wrap one manfiestation of the project up here and now.

Special thanks to JYX for his awesome commentaries and opinions (which are yet to end seeing as he's still reading this), Bubblyshell for keeping her eyes out for grammatical errors and other mistakes that often reared their head in this work (basicly boils down to overeagerness and dyspraxia on my end that leads to that), and everyone else who have kept their eyes open for this project and been incredibly gracious and kind

My next fanscript project isnt TMNT related, but if you think this is the end of the story, think again, I have a sequel in mind for this, I'd have to be daft to leave this world behind so readily.

[BubblyShell22]

I'll get to those chapters in a moment, Zar. It's sad to see this part of the script end, but I can't wait for the sequel and will be keeping my eyes out for it for sure. And you're welcome for everything I've done to help. It has been my pleasure to help you with any mistakes, and I will continue to do so as long as I can.

[Refractive Reflections]

With so many aspects of the story to review about, I'll try to categorize it: Here we go...:lol: (I'll try to use spoilers for any significant twists here.)

The Characters:
Leonardo:
His development was good here, you helped to explain why he was so resistant to go to the surface and his hardened, obdurate personality especially after that harsh experience when he went out before. I especially enjoyed how you put extensive detail in that vivid memory for Leonardo, which I believe is very crucial to understanding why Leonardo developed his personality and you nailed it well.

The dramatic fighting scene with Leonardo and Saki on the gantry was well-written with the details of the fire, the fire sprinklers, and the sparks coming off of the broken Mousers. You effectively "painted" the scene physically and emotionally as well, well done Zarius. :) The only problem I had was that after Leonardo was struck/stabbed(?) twice on the side, with a gash on his face... uh, maybe that needs to be addressed in Ch. 58 a bit. Otherwise for some readers, if you don't address the necessity of healing the protagonist's injuries (Ch. 58 ), it undermines the seriousness of the brutality of the fight (Ch. 57). ...Just something you may want to keep in mind, otherwise if it gets consistently ignored (not saying your fics do this), it could slip into melodrama territory. Because the reader will think, "If this writer ignores these serious injuries of the protagonist without having a period of recuperation, why should I take it seriously then?" Do you know what I mean?

One surprisingly good twist here was having Leonardo confide to Casey about his traumatic childhood experience. It was refreshing because usually the only way we know about Casey is either through bonding with Raphael or April.

The only thing I felt kind of lacking, was that I was kind of hoping the end to have Leonardo be comforted or encouraged a bit somehow after last speaking with Master Splinter about their accidental mutation, but then again you could be holding this out for the sequel.


Donatello & Irma:
:P I can tell when Irma was beginning to flirt with Donatello after first visiting his workshop, that you seem to be shipping this two pretty hard. :lol: Not saying it's bad or anything, but I don't know... I was kind of hoping for them to have a deeper connection (and conversation) with one another like April and Michelangelo did here, which would have solidified why their relationship works so well outside of the flirtatious humor, admiration, and quips. ...But that's just me.

You definitely got Irma's one-liners, and her having a good balance of being dryly sarcastic while still being characteristically clumsy.


Raphael:
Your version of Raphael was unique here because he seemed more "Leo"-ish in wanting save and help others than what we usually see from sulking Raphael, but he still had that fiery, irascible side to him that we are familiar with.

One thing I was confused about was the Splinter-Raphael conversation in Ch.56. As my chapter review, stated before:
I really enjoy these close character dialogues with each other and it was very well written, yet I'm wondering besides entering into this above ground world, Splinter letting go of secluding them to the sewers, and engaging in such a fierce battle with the Shredder for the first time, I wish there was a little more explanation as to what exactly is making these Turtles into "men". Is it the fighting or just going above on the streets? (Sorry if I'm kind of daft here. LOL)

It'll be interesting to see how Raphael could develop in your sequel.


Michelangelo, April, Casey, and Gabrielle:
For Michelangelo, he was probably the most covered Turtle (with Leonardo just a little bit behind) with his bond with April, Zach and the children. Besides having the children highlight Michelangelo's playfulness in front of April and his gregarious and warm personality, I was wondering if there was something a little more you were trying to convey there.

While I was a bit surprised at the depth of the April, Casey, and Gabrielle love triangle at first read, I see now from a hindsight perspective that it was used to help develop the characters before entering into the "wildness" and unfathomable world of Turtles, which was effective because it helped the reader to gradually transition into the sci-fi world of the story instead of just abruptly dropping the reader into it.
Yet I was surprised that things worked out so amicably between April and Casey, knowing how hot-headed he can be and jealous he was of Michelangelo beforehand, and that things were resolved between Casey and Gabrielle. But there's always that sequel, so... lol

Splinter:
Splinter was the most spot-on characterization here (not insinuating the other characters weren't) with his conversation, wisdom and behavior. But as I mentioned before and as you already know, there needs to be a bit more fatherly affection from him because as wise as he is portrayed here, it also comes off as being somewhat aloof without any type of sincere physical gestures (i.e. embrace, hugging, warm gaze) to give the Turtles the motivation they need.
I noticed in Ch. 56, Raphael's heart was stirred, but there was little description about Splinter's emotions (i.e. "Splinter watched on proudly."). Maybe if there was a description about how Splinter felt somewhat emotionally torn from letting his children go out into the harsh above-ground world versus needing to let them go, it would provide more poignancy to his character.

The Plot:
Wow, so many unusual twists that I couldn't have expected, of course the biggest with Saki as we talked about earlier on ff.net. Was that all just finding a clever way to use all the TMNT franchise elements to create a unique story? Or will all these have a significantly much deeper meaning that will make the reader see these established characters in a completely different light than before? As you know, Saki's backstory was the most surprising for me.

The fighting:
The fighting scenes were wonderfully detailed here, especially with the chase with April and Casey from Rocksteady, Bebop destroying April's home, and the final fights (Ch.55-58 ) and notably the Leo-Saki fight as I mentioned before.

One moment that stood out was with Raphael impaling his sai in Rocksteady's eye. Maybe it's just me, but that seemed a bit intense and solidified the T rating here since it seemed a bit more cruel rather than just using the sai anywhere else on the body. (It's because I'm more of a visual reader, and I was imagining the opthalmic artery (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opthalmic_artery) squirting out blood, even though you didn't describe the blood.) If there was any gory detail besides blood, then I would have suggested a M rating then. I don't mind any gory details, I'm just trying to get an understanding of how far you are taking the T rating, because the language certainly demonstrated that, but I was curious about how far you would be taking the violence.

The comedy:
Irma's and Michelangelo's characterization, the one-liners in incorporating references from other TMNT universes, and Raphael's quips brought the right balance of comic relief, which is needed in more serious stories. So I certainly commend you on that. The one-liner references are relentless Zarius! :P Was this all planned out or did they just come into your mind while in the middle of writing the dialogue/story?

So this is the end... or is it? ;) Besides informing us here on the thread, I noticed your last chapter hinting toward that, especially with Bishop talking about the "Leatherhead" cases.


Special thanks to JYX for his awesome commentaries and opinions (which are yet to end seeing as he's still reading this),

Awww, thanks Zarius.:) I'm glad I could help, and I hope my reviews were helpful in your writing. As you know, I like to give more "meaty" reviews to writers, rather than just a "bare bones" review of a couple sentences, so that they'll know what parts I liked or didn't like. In my opinion, at least it gives the writer something more concrete in giving the details, rather than something vague which leaves the writer wondering exactly what was good or bad. But looking back on these long reviews, they were more like BIG ol' meaty "steaks". :lol:

If there are any particular characters, subplots, or details I didn't mention, but you're curious about how they were received, just feel free to either post about it or PM me. I'll be happy to reply back. Thanks for the great fanfic adventure! Until next time... :)

[ZariusTwo]

With so many aspects of the story to review about, I'll try to categorize it: Here we go...:lol: (I'll try to use spoilers for any significant twists here.)

The Characters:
Leonardo:
His development was good here, you helped to explain why he was so resistant to go to the surface and his hardened, obdurate personality especially after that harsh experience when he went out before. I especially enjoyed how you put extensive detail in that vivid memory for Leonardo, which I believe is very crucial to understanding why Leonardo developed his personality and you nailed it well.

The dramatic fighting scene with Leonardo and Saki on the gantry was well-written with the details of the fire, the fire sprinklers, and the sparks coming off of the broken Mousers. You effectively "painted" the scene physically and emotionally as well, well done Zarius. :) The only problem I had was that after Leonardo was struck/stabbed(?) twice on the side, with a gash on his face... uh, maybe that needs to be addressed in Ch. 58 a bit. Otherwise for some readers, if you don't address the necessity of healing the protagonist's injuries (Ch. 58 ), it undermines the seriousness of the brutality of the fight (Ch. 57). ...Just something you may want to keep in mind, otherwise if it gets consistently ignored (not saying your fics do this), it could slip into melodrama territory. Because the reader will think, "If this writer ignores these serious injuries of the protagonist without having a period of recuperation, why should I take it seriously then?" Do you know what I mean?

I'm not going to ignore it, that's for certain. I look at the ending as very Back to the Future, and it will develop into one of those "for want of a nail" scenarios for Leonardo. If you know what that means, then you can get excited about what turns the character will take next:)

One surprisingly good twist here was having Leonardo confide to Casey about his traumatic childhood experience. It was refreshing because usually the only way we know about Casey is either through bonding with Raphael or April.

I just figured Leo was the one with the hottest head of the group in this particular peice and complimented Casey's bull-headedness, it made them kindred spirits. It was essential for the story to move forward and to give Casey more involvement, that way it freed up April for Mikey's own confessions.

The only thing I felt kind of lacking, was that I was kind of hoping the end to have Leonardo be comforted or encouraged a bit somehow after last speaking with Master Splinter about their accidental mutation, but then again you could be holding this out for the sequel.

There's a lot still to be said about Leo and Splinter, and yes the sequel will deal with things like that, mainly the frustrations. I know a lot of families who have cases where the fathers don't readily embrace their sons even if they're hurting, and it leads to both sides of the coin failing to reach a proper understanding, and with the bond between sensei and student, understanding is crucial, the will and intent for that is there, but the action is a considerable component that is missing and you might see conflict come out of that in the future.


Donatello & Irma:
:P I can tell when Irma was beginning to flirt with Donatello after first visiting his workshop, that you seem to be shipping this two pretty hard. :lol: Not saying it's bad or anything, but I don't know... I was kind of hoping for them to have a deeper connection (and conversation) with one another like April and Michelangelo did here, which would have solidified why their relationship works so well outside of the flirtatious humor, admiration, and quips. ...But that's just me.

My intent with Don and Irma was to make that the "old married couple" partnership of the peice. The reader is meant to understand right away they're going to be an item, and that everything building up to it is played for laughs. Besides, it's a more roundly accepted fanon pairing and little elloboration is required to appreciate it.

It'll be interesting to see how Raphael could develop in your sequel.

There was great deliberation in making Raph a little more centered and Leo-esque, there will be conflicts stemming out of that when it comes to judgement calls and leadership stances in the sequel, I feel by the end of the next one Raph may be more "in line" with how he's commonly portrayed.

Yet I was surprised that things worked out so amicably between April and Casey, knowing how hot-headed he can be and jealous he was of Michelangelo beforehand, and that things were resolved between Casey and Gabrielle. But there's always that sequel, so... lol

Absolutely. Keep in mind Casey and Gabe had JUST become parents, right now they're still in a fairy tale, but as we all know, eventually things can get stressful with kids. Diaper changes, trying to hold down a job, and wondering just what kind of life hsi ex April's going to have now that she's shacked up with a completly different species? That and reality will play a lot with his head

I noticed in Ch. 56, Raphael's heart was stirred, but there was little description about Splinter's emotions (i.e. "Splinter watched on proudly."). Maybe if there was a description about how Splinter felt somewhat emotionally torn from letting his children go out into the harsh above-ground world versus needing to let them go, it would provide more poignancy to his character.

See my point about Leonardo.

The comedy: Was this all planned out or did they just come into your mind while in the middle of writing the dialogue/story?

A lot of it was on the fly, relying on my memory and knowledge of the franchise.

So this is the end... or is it? ;) Besides informing us here on the thread, I noticed your last chapter hinting toward that, especially with Bishop talking about the "Leatherhead" cases.

Who knows what that was about...part of the next plot or a missing adventure? We'll see

Awww, thanks Zarius.:) I'm glad I could help, and I hope my reviews were helpful in your writing. As you know, I like to give more "meaty" reviews to writers, rather than just a "bare bones" review of a couple sentences, so that they'll know what parts I liked or didn't like. In my opinion, at least it gives the writer something more concrete in giving the details, rather than something vague which leaves the writer wondering exactly what was good or bad. But looking back on these long reviews, they were more like BIG ol' meaty "steaks". :lol:

More like wholesome helpings of fish...a dish that's good for the brain.

[Refractive Reflections]

There's a lot still to be said about Leo and Splinter, and yes the sequel will deal with things like that, mainly the frustrations. I know a lot of families who have cases where the fathers don't readily embrace their sons even if they're hurting, and it leads to both sides of the coin failing to reach a proper understanding, and with the bond between sensei and student, understanding is crucial, the will and intent for that is there, but the action is a considerable component that is missing and you might see conflict come out of that in the future.
Absolutely. Keep in mind Casey and Gabe had JUST become parents, right now they're still in a fairy tale, but as we all know, eventually things can get stressful with kids. Diaper changes, trying to hold down a job, and wondering just what kind of life hsi ex April's going to have now that she's shacked up with a completly different species? That and reality will play a lot with his head

I guess with my reviews I'm forgetting that there are a lot more developments in store for the characters. :P ...And this story isn't the end of it. :lol:
As for Casey and April, I just thought it was a bit fast that after April and Casey broke up at the Technodrome scene, that soon afterward we see him saving Michelangelo (which is understandable since the Turtles saved Casey's life), and in the end, Casey and April behaving as if they were friends again. I thought there would have been a bit of awkwardness, that's all...


My intent with Don and Irma was to make that the "old married couple" partnership of the peice. The reader is meant to understand right away they're going to be an item, and that everything building up to it is played for laughs. Besides, it's a more roundly accepted fanon pairing and little elloboration is required to appreciate it.

I didn't mind their shipping at all. I guess what I was focused on, was seeing exactly the how and why the Don/Irma relationship worked so well from the writer's perspective, and to see that explored deeper. With that, it would help convince the reader, on a far deeper level beyond the OT humor and humor within the fanfic, why their relationship works. :ohwell:


There was great deliberation in making Raph a little more centered and Leo-esque, there will be conflicts stemming out of that when it comes to judgement calls and leadership stances in the sequel, I feel by the end of the next one Raph may be more "in line" with how he's commonly portrayed.
That's a development that I'm looking forward to. :) Usually whenever we are introduced to Raphael, he's already hot-headed and irritable from the beginning, but very rarely is there a full explanation as to why he has become so irritable, and why he sulks into the character we are all familiar with. I applaud you for taking on this feat since very rarely is this particular character trait of Raphael, explored as deeply as we (the fans) want the official material to go into. So I'm interested to see how he will be transformed more and more into the personality we are traditionally introduced to.

[ZariusTwo]

I didn't mind their shipping at all. I guess what I was focused on, was seeing exactly the how and why the Don/Irma relationship worked so well from the writer's perspective, and to see that explored deeper. With that, it would help convince the reader, on a far deeper level beyond the OT humor and humor within the fanfic, why their relationship works. :ohwell:

You have a point, maybe I was too distracted by my OT fanfics and developing their relationship there, coupled with juggling the development of April and Mike's little get together, made me think I'd lose the pace of the plot juggling three pairings (in addition to Casey and Gabe), and it'd feel more like a hopeless romance novel than an action/adventure yarn. Definitely something to work on in the sequel too

[blindturtle02]

You've really put allot of hard work and passion into this. Great job. I haven't been able to read very much besides the first 2 chapters or so but hope to devote some time this weekend. It sure feels like TMNT to me.

[Refractive Reflections]

You have a point, maybe I was too distracted by my OT fanfics and developing their relationship there, coupled with juggling the development of April and Mike's little get together, made me think I'd lose the pace of the plot juggling three pairings (in addition to Casey and Gabe), and it'd feel more like a hopeless romance novel than an action/adventure yarn. Definitely something to work on in the sequel too

LOL, I understand where you are coming from, and it can be difficult trying to handle several relationships, subplots and plot lines to create a decent looking piece of storywriting "tapestry".

I guess what my long-winded self is trying to say here :P is that if Don & Irma had the same brief, deep moment like April and Mikey had, it would have given the Don/Irma pairing a bit of convincing depth. That's it, just one small scene. If there were multiple scenes of romance (i.e. being heartbroken, smitten, hopelessly infatuated, unrequited love), then yeah Zarius, it would have evolved the story into a romance novel. :P And you would have heard about it from me. :D

[ZariusTwo]

I thought I'd sort of given Don and Irma that kind of scene when they were bonding outside the Technodrome and Don made that remark about living colour, ah well, I sort of stick by my creative choices with those two, and nobody else seemed to take issue with it, but I appreciate that you just want me to give readers a more complete experiance8)

[Refractive Reflections]

I thought I'd sort of given Don and Irma that kind of scene when they were bonding outside the Technodrome and Don made that remark about living colour, ah well, I sort of stick by my creative choices with those two, and nobody else seemed to take issue with it, but I appreciate that you just want me to give readers a more complete experiance8)

Eh, it's just me and a tiny nit-picky thing... :goof:
It's totally cool how you want it. :)

You know that I wouldn't be that detailed about it, if I didn't think your story was already good stuff! ;)

[ZariusTwo]

The sequel won't be out for quite a while (I intend to finish my novellas and work on my next fanscript project, which will take me through much of early to mid 2014), but I've finalized a title for it. For extra fun, I'm only giving you one letter from all four words. Have a swell time guessing.

"B. O. T. L"

[ZariusTwo]

So the time has come to start commencing work on the sequel to this script

I can now reveal that the initials B.O.T.L stand for....

Blossom of the Lotus.

I will be doing something different from script samples for this one, instead I will be dropping samples of scene breakdowns...basically a synopsis of a scene that I will map out in a script and later a novelization.

Without further ado, here's what I've written up for the first act

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE

We begin IN DEEP SPACE, with a voice-over from APRIL O’NEIL, who talks about her father taking her stargazing as a child, she talks about how much we know of space, but that we can never extend our grasp far enough to understand it’s true potential.

She confesses there were many times she would stay up at night dreaming of a time where our efforts to touch the stars would be rewarded in kind by an attempt, somewhere beyond the other side, to give something back to us, to grasp our outreached hand and shake it in a firm bond of hope and understanding.

That’s what she would like to think.

A part of her however, wondered if the hand that reached out to us would want to hold it tight, or sever the hand from the body, to threaten the human race, to destroy it.

We suddenly ZOOM IN on a small TEAR in the fabric of reality, and SPEED THROUGH IT at an accelerated rate, to a far-off DISTANT PLANET located in DIMENSION X.

On the planet, several TURTELOIDS, one of whom is KERMA, are holding their ground against a battalion of ROCK SOLDIERS commanded by SHREEKA, mistress of LORD KRANG, an exiled Dimension X warlord who had been captured by the RESISTANCE.

We learn through the resistance that their planet had been swallowed up by the dimensional tear the opened and enveloped their entire quadrant. This is the means by which KRANG conquers whole galaxies, earning him the title of “twenty-four seven sovereign” based on his daily conquests.

The resistance leader asks KERMA if he has remembered the exact co-ordinates for something, having heard it off a dying trooper who previously had the information in his head, KERMA assures him he has. The resistance leader makes note of Kerma having a bad memory.

The small resistance group manage to put enough distance between themselves and the soliders and reach a RUN-DOWN LAB. Contained in the lab is a MATTER TRANSPORTER.
They reveal the cargo they are taking is in fact LORD KRANG. The aliens load up the transporter and send a rambling Krang into it.

SHREEKA and her ROCK SOLDIERS storm into the lab and brutally gun down the aliens, but not before the sole survivor, KERMA, destroys the transporter.

Mortally wounded by a blast from SHREEKA’s energy ring, KERMA defiantly tells her KRANG is out of her reach, he has dispatched him to the ICE ASTEROID OF MOR-TAL.

As he perishes, SHREEKA takes a look at the damaged control systems of the transporter and reveals to her minions that is hope...for the co-ordinates set do not match the ones that pinpoint MOR-TAL.

Instead, the co-ordinates point in the direction of a planet somewhere within the TERRAN SOLAR SYSTEM