"I'm not the only one ..."

[Sahtori]

This topic might be a bit depressive, but I figured. I should write it out somewhere right? I know I'm not the only one and all my life I considered other their problems much worse than mines.

But I battled, cancer, abuse, bullied and right now I'm battling severe depression.

Whenever I have faith in something, I try so hard to show and give my all. But then the "talk" comes. CFS, PTSD. No matter how hard I try, since I was a kid, I try so hard to become a comic artist. My idol was Crisse and he used me to get a friend to work for him. Because, ... I wasn't good enough. My style was bad and I wasn't good enough. Can you imagine a kid, reading all his comics, copying his style to the end that my art style looked close to his?

Sometimes I see comics published that I wonder: "Why am I rejected?"

Few months ago, DDDT - a gallery said: "Wow, we want to publish your work! WE love it and I will personally assist you!"

The moment I got home, the words got different and by now I am forgotten.

I'm starting to give up, with everything. Life is becoming such a bore, it's like a cape on your body. It's like, each little bit you see. "Why am I here?" ... "To see more of this pain?"

I just had my birthday and it feels like torture to see a kid of 16 publishing a successful book, made later into a movie.

How can I believe people, all my life they say: "Your art is wonderful." yet no one wants to hire me.

Had a note of Kevin Eastman and even Rob Paulsen. But I feel from 'pity' or to just 'tell' everyone: "you're awesome for loving us!"


I don't know how to deal with all of it anymore. Maybe I should just "hibernate" - or face the facts that I'm not "good" enough and people lie to me.


sorry if this sounds so depressing, but after a while, when you see that and you try so hard with everything. To please people and forgetting in that process yourself. I guess there are people who can relate to this feeling right?

Sorry ...

- Kay

[Candy Kappa]

Depression makes things a lot harder, even the most mundane tasks can be over cumbersome, and it doesn't help that it's an invisible illness that very few people even those who like to pretend they are layman physicians understand.

And it's hard breaking into comics, be it as a writer or as an artist. A lot of people get in because off connections or just by sheer luck, and it's disheartening to see artists that really shouldn't be in the comic industry get work.

But, if you really want to work in comics, you just have to muster on, and maybe try to go on your own, like making a webcomic with routinely schedules (which you already do) and pimp yourself out on sites and places where you can get constructive critique. more often then not, pretty character art isn't enough, there's perspective work, dynamic poses and angles that might be awkward to draw, which is something all artists have to work on. Artists have to bring something unique to their mix to stand out the vast ocean of artists that is also thirsty for getting paid for their work.

Your Patreon seems to be going nicely, so instead off trying to get work from big publishers, self employment might be the way to go. But still apply to other companies while doing self work. Just keep fighting, cause if you toss in the towel there's no turning back.

[GoldMutant]

Sahtori, please don't hurt yourself. :cry: "Give up on yourself and you give up on the world."

I've had bad thoughts before, but I'm not willing to give up on anyone. It allows me to grow from my pain and become a strong and capable individual.

If you ever need to talk, PM me if you're feeling down.

[Katie]

A lot of everything in life isn't about what you know it's about who you know. Sounds like you are running into a lot of that and it sucks.

This kind of stuff is a constant battle for me. I work in a traditionally male dominated field In an area of this country where it is kind of an anomaly to see a female pursuing a career instead of pursuing Family and children.

I've been successful, but it has been because I am persistent and I refuse to give up when I keep getting roadblocks thrown up against me. If someone doesn't hire me or hires someone less qualified to do a job I want, I can get down and get a little depressed, but I can't stay like that. I gotta pull myself back up, realize that it's their loss if they don't hire me, and go find the next path forward.

Sometimes it isn't exactly what I thought I wanted, but I believe if I keep my eyes on my goal I'll find a way to get there. It may take awhile. It may be a hard and bumpy road. But I will get there.

[CylonsKlingonsDaleksOhMy]

Kay,

You are important, unique, and the only person ever that can do what you do. You have potential, and you have creativity. Even though you feel like you're drowning in shadows, there can be light again someday. One day at a time; I know you can do it.

Depression is scary, and becomes scarier the longer it goes. We all have demons to fight, but we don't have to do it alone.

And as far as your artwork... seeing people with less talent make millions is infuriating if you stop and think about it. 50 Shades of Edward/Bella/FanFic really really gets my goat. But I don't write to make money, though it'd be cool if I could. I write because that's who I am, and at the end of the day, my audience is ME. That's it; nobody else. Be an artist because that's who you are.

And finally, though it won't help at all, some mangoes in the hopes that you crack a smile:

:mango::mango::mango::mango:

[Mayhem]

Kay, you already know my thoughts on things, and that I'll be around to listen if you need someone to lend an ear, or more.

How can I believe people, all my life they say: "Your art is wonderful." yet no one wants to hire me.
I was going to write something in response to this specifically, but then...

And it's hard breaking into comics, be it as a writer or as an artist. A lot of people get in because off connections or just by sheer luck, and it's disheartening to see artists that really shouldn't be in the comic industry get work.
...is exactly what I was going to say. It's like being an actor. You should do it because it makes you happy, and you enjoy it. If you don't, then you should stop. You start off small, and may always stay small. Fame and fortune only come to a small proportion of those involved, but it doesn't automatically mean they are better than the rest. They got a break.

Don't base your worth and value as a person on your success, or lack of it. It is based on your actions. Not being successful doesn't make you any less of a person. Not TRYING, or wanting to try, on the other hand, does. That is not you. You have worth.

[IndigoErth]

Ditto on so much others have already said.

The arts are inherently competitive and tough to break into anyhow (sans being a solo artist), I know it's easy to get down about it. I've felt the same way sometimes, seeing how easily some have run into a lucky break while I doubt luck even knows I exist. But if it's who you are, ya can't give up on it. It's like all the authors that get so many rejections before they finally get a chance one day and then some turn into a best selling author. Sometimes it's just finding that person, company, or whatever that has enough awareness to take notice of what you have. Don't doubt your talents... It may well just be luck and connections not lining up right just yet, but keep going and it probably will. You never know when it will happen. After all, the Turtles were born when their creators were just goofing off... Sometimes things don't happen quite how you thought, but still turn out good.

[pennydreadful]

You're not alone. We've actually got a few people here with depression (myself included) and other artists here who will agree that it's incredibly difficult to break into comics, or the publishing industry in general.

If you ever want to vent in a more private environment, you're always welcome to join us in the Despair Faction community group.

In the meantime, I'll just weigh in with this - I don't know you very well, but you strike me as a very talented and intelligent individual. IMO, getting some more exposure and positive feedback for your work would be really good for you - I've seen fan artists with not even half your skill with lots of fan followers on Tumblr and DeviantArt.

I hope none of this sounds trite and that it helps in some way; I'll echo GoldMutant and say you're always welcome to bend my ear if you're feeling down. We've got a lot of good folks here on the boards and everybody needs a bit of support sometimes. You are absolutely good enough, no matter what your depression is telling you.

[Sahtori]

I'm, shocked so many replied... It made me cry, because 'here' in this 'place' - my mother would tell me, how much her life was worse. I can't 'talk' about my problems.

I got pretty "deep" with mother's day. She should be around 9 now - I had this breathing problem, I couldn't hold my tears. I just 'gasped' for air.

Doctor wrote me 'duovent' and my other doctor now 'Dipiperon' - it seems to take the anxiety away but my "happy" self seems to vanish. It's like, I see work and I rather just lay down and sleep.

I've got CFS (Chronicle Fatigue Syndrome) so I'm constantly tired. Ever since those drops, I'm sleeping a tad more and I'm back a "doormat"

"yes, mom, whatever you say mom. Here's everything mom..."

we all go through so much, but my grandmother always told me, that I was the devil, and I had no emotions. My emotions started to come through a few years ago and I'm still learning how to deal with them. I still don't know some emotions and I get easy jumpy and in angst in sudden situations.

I'm in a depression before 2001 and I guess I attract all this negativity, even when I try the hardest. Stuff happen.

You get this: "No, I can't handle it anymore..." feeling

I'm so tired reading and hearing: "you are so, strong, I'm so proud of you, ... yes, you're so strong, you went through all of it..."

While because of being a "robot" for such a long time, I just stare in front of me and say: "Kids in Africa have it more worse... My pain is nothing"

While my mind is burning, it feels like my brain sometimes is on fire... my mind wants to scream. I don't know what's wrong with me lately....

Thank you for these lovely posts, you made n ol'lass sob. We can't turn back time, but if I could, I'd try harder.

It's because of 'Crisse' that I just, ... gave up. My best friend needed the money or she wouldn't have worked for him. But seeing her work on the shelves... Hurts me deeply. Because that man promised me to get there. But then the moment my friend said: "yes" to that work. He dumped me.

My friend, had to endure so much. My pain, my lashing out to her, while I was wrong. I was unkind. I begged her to dump me, "dump me, just like Susan and Janet, because I'm not good enough no more"

to this day, this girl is still here and feeling bad about taking the job at Crisse, since there's a chance for a third comic. She will come to Belgium a comic convention. But thanks to that man. I can't show my face anymore.

Because when he said: "you have a job with me." I told everyone, those who didn't believe in me. Now, all the shops I go too, people who got the news, my family: "When is that big comic coming with Crisse?"

While in September they wont see my name on that comic, but my best friend... I'm so, ... stupid, ... I ... I'm so ...

I think I better take 'Temesta', ... I don't feel so good...

[Sahtori]

I'm sorry to read that.

I think my english is in some cases horrible. My best friend and Crisse are introducing the 'dutch' version of the comics they did. Possible a third announcement.

It doesn't include me. I don't have the job, I just do web-comic stuff. I started an 'IndieGoGo' to work on my life long comic with my best friend. But so far one is interested.

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-heart-of-a-star#/story

If I could shut it down, I would. I kind of feel like it's 'mocking' me - I'm not good enough...

[Unworthy tinker]

Maybe if you spread the word a bit? And don't feel bad, because even the best artists could've improved, and there are waaay worse artist out there. Who knows, if you get out there enough, you'll get more chances. The power of positivity.

[Leo656]

Anybody who ever wants to vent about stuff like this but doesn't feel as comfortable doing it publicly can PM me for a DF invite. Some people seem to be comfortable going into greater detail when the potential "audience" is smaller. Just a heads up.

[BubblyShell22]

Sorry to hear about this, Kay. That's horrible that the comic artist chose your friend instead of you. But don't give up. Do what you love and that big break will come someday. Just try to keep your chin up. I know it's hard, but surrounding yourself with people who care about you is the best thing you can do. We're here for you if you need us.

[Sahtori]

I wrote a huge reply, but something happened and it's gone.

to make it short, cause it makes me cry that it just went away...
Had doctor today, I slept a bit, I feel a little better in my mind.

I explained in the long version that I keep helping my friend to get my one comic going. I want to pay her, because if Crisse does indeed start 'part 3' of Atalante, she'll be busy for a few years again. Trying to get this comic started since 2010

http://www.ethereal-worlds.com/comic/thoad/thod01.html

here are examples and it's 'Crisse' whom rejected this comic, because Standaard Uitgeverij wanted this comic.


I can't publish a 'tmnt' comic, even though that's the reason why I'm doing it. To show 'IDW' comics what I can do, though I know that it will be rejected. I just know it...

I feel so sad today, ... Really, I'm exhausted, even after a nap.

I'm doing all of this to help my friend, the IndieGoGo, all I want is to get my dream realized...

I'm just so tired right now...

[IndigoErth]

You do have a very lovely art style. Have you ever considered also teaming up with aspiring children's authors (or on your own if you write kid's stuff) to do their illustrations? Especially I'm thinking all those big, well illustrated, often hard cover, sort of books that my mother (and I too, and no doubt others) have a thing for. Even if it's not the main thing you want to do, getting some attention to something like that could be a way to start getting your name and work out there.

And if self publishing would be the go-to choice, then could get a few copies printed up and hunt around for small local shops that sell similar kinds of books (not only book stores, and prob not big book stores) and see if they would be interested in displaying a few for sale in their shop.

Case in point... I found this gem recently at a local craft store, in a section where they had some children's books. It quickly became a Mother's Day gift.
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51wrHBeu05L.jpg
Anyway, was just a thought after seeing the art on the indigogo page. If I came across a book like that with your illustrations, I don't think I could leave it in the store. :)



Edit: Saw these... :)
https://scontent.fash1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/t31.0-8/p180x540/11538971_511812255642900_6832377758892204969_o.jpg

https://scontent.fash1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/t31.0-8/p180x540/11415564_511812308976228_4989553762378960308_o.jpg

https://scontent.fash1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/t31.0-8/p180x540/11221680_511812262309566_4656810399280357391_o.jpg

https://scontent.fash1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/t31.0-8/p180x540/11393417_511812285642897_6484527929239782726_o.jpg

https://scontent.fash1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/t31.0-8/p180x540/11241802_511812305642895_5053528965691929006_o.jpg

https://scontent.fash1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/t31.0-8/p180x540/11402243_511812248976234_8081407404962487100_o.jpg
Just proof that greatness is possible even when at one time it couldn't be seen.

[SophieDem]

Hey, Kay :) Just wanted to say I love your style and your art is beautiful. Don't ever stop because you have a place in the comic industry!

Don't think you're alone. Because you are not. Just don't give up and go further! The greatest people achieve their dreams because they're persistent and believe. That is what keeps me going.

[ProactiveMan]

Asking for help when you're struggling is the right thing to do. Keep looking for opportunities. I know you're sick of hearing that you're strong etc. but based on what you have written, you have clear goals, and you are getting your work in-front of people, which is something you can be proud of.