| Voltron |
02-26-2019 06:44 PM |
It was a Sunday morning when I woke up to the sound of my dog screaming at the microwave. Apparently, it had overheated his doggy breakfast hot pocket again. That's what I assumed, anyway. I'm trying to learn Portugese, but he speaks an odd dialect and the foreign languages were never my forte.
I tried to calm him down the best I could, but I wasn't having much luck. It was probably my pants, or lack there of. After the incident with the meteor where all the dogs learned how to talk, a lot of things changed. One of the more vexing was their insistence that humans remain clothed at all times in the presence of canines. Dogs, however, were free to remain nude. According to translators, the dogs insisted this was the way of nature. This was the way of the universe.
The meteor was total bull crap. Everyone was ready for a totally killer zombie apocalypse. When that didn't come, the Doom's Day preppers were pretty crest fallen. When the first dogs started speaking up, everyone was totally stoked, though. Dogs became overnight celebrities. They appeared on talk shows, sitcoms, and a couple even tried their hand at getting high profile jobs in Fortune 500 companies.
However, the afterglow faded quickly. Even though the dogs could speak, there were some problems. First, and perhaps most frustrating, was that none of them spoke the same language as their masters, nor was the language even particularly useful. As I have mentioned, mine spoke an odd dialect of Brazilian Portugese. My sister's dog barfed out some incomprehensible Yorkshire nonsense. My poor neighbor spoke ancient Mesopotamian. It wasn't like we could all just go out and learn "Dogese".
The second problem was the continued inability to fully integrate with human society. Despite their newfound ability to talk, the dogs still had no idea that no one wanted to see them lick their own butts. Or drag their butts across the floor. Or sniff each others butts. Basically, dog butt culture became the center of political discussion almost as fast as the dogs rose to prominence. Again, that didn't last long.
Many of the rising stars fell for various but obvious reasons. A lot of them couldn't hold a conversation because no one was going to learn how to speak Hmong slang to talk with their poodle, and most of them didn't have much to say outside of "butt talk".
The dogs who tried to enter the private sector were quickly fired due to flagrant sexual harassment accusations. The dogs, in their defense, said it never seemed to be a problem when they humped people's legs before the meteor incident. But things had changed more than they had seemed.
In response, the dogs formed their own political movement and demanded equal standing with their human counter parts. There was, of course, a lot of push back from religious and conservative groups about this. While liberals and the ACLU initially seemed to side with the dogs, when it became apparent that PeTA was for the dogs, everyone (including the dogs) just decided enough was enough and the entire terrorist organization was blasted into the Sun.
Afterwards, tensions eased a bit. New industries popped up around the new dog culture. New dog goods and media entered the market with some success. As I mentioned before, my dog woke me up that Sunday morning screaming Portuguese swears at my microwave.
The reason I'm telling you this is because if I didn't go and help him, he'd going to pee on the microwave again to assert his dominance. I've explained to him many times that microwaves don't respond to that kind of stimuli, but again. . . reasoning with a dog that only understands Portuguese is an up hill battle.
Anyway, I was late. He peed on it and that's why I'm here. Again. To buy a new microwave. Is it at all possible to get one laminated for easier clean up and pee proofing?
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