[Leo656]

You could hear the hoofbeats pound
As they raced across the ground,
And the rattle of the wheels, as they went 'round and 'round...
An' he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west!

Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She lived all alone at Lindley Lane at Number 22...
They said she was too good for him,
She was haughty, fit and chic,
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week...

Good old Ernie!
(Ernie!)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west!

Sue said she'd like to bathe in milk,
He said "Alright, sweetheart,"
So one night when he'd finished work he loaded up his cart...
He said "D'you want it pasteurized? 'Cause pasteurized is best..."
"Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up through me chest!"

An' that tickled old Ernie!
(Ernie!)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west!

Now Ernie had a rival,
An evil, wicked man,
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington,
And he drove the baker's van...
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies,
It very near turned her head...

She did swoon at his macaroons,
An' he said "Now if you treat me right,
You'll have hot rolls every morning, and crumpets every night!"
An' when she saw his layer cake, he had his wicked way...
All Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day...

Poor old Ernie...
(Ernie!)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west...

One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's cart parked outside her door,
And it drove him mad to see it was still there at half-past four...
As he jumped down out of his van, hot blood through his veins did course,
An' he went over to Ernie's cart and didn't half-kick his horse...

Whose name was Trigger...
(Trigger!)
And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west!

Now Ernie ran out into the street, his gold top in his hand...
And said "If you want to marry Susie, fight me like a man!"
"Well why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied...
"An' just to make it interesting, we'll have a shilling on the side!"

Now Ernie pulled him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there face-to-face, and Ted went for his bun...
But Ernie was too quick,
Things didn't go the way Ted planned,
And a strawberry-flavored yoghurt sent it spinning from his hand...

Now Susie ran between them,
And tried to keep them apart,
And Ernie, he pushed her aside, and a rock cake hit his heart...
As he looked up in pained surprise, the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie hit him in the eye,
And Ernie bit the dust...

Poor old Ernie...
(Ernie!)
He drove the fastest milk cart in the west...

Now Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die...
And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky...
Where his customers are angels, and ferocious dogs are banned...
A milkman's life's a good'n, in that fairy dairy land...

Now, a woman's needs are many-fold, and Sue, she married Ted...
Strange things happened on their wedding night,
As they lay in their bed...
Is that the trees a-rusting, or the hinges of the gate?

...Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops, a-rattling in their crate...?

They won't forget Ernie!

Ernie!
Ernie!
He drove the fastest milk cart in the west!
Ernie!
Ernie!
He drove the fastest milk cart in the west!
Ernie!
Ernie!
He drove the fastest milk cart in the west!
Ernie!
Ernie!
He drove the fastest milk cart in the west!