Joke thread

[Reznorite420]

A woman comes home from work one day. As soon as she comes in she notices that the dishwasher is still broken as it was the day before. She asks her husband, "Dear, why didn't you fix the dishwasher?"

The husband answered, "Who do I look like? The Maytag man?" Enraged, the woman goes to the bedroom and doesn't talk to her husband the rest of the night.

The woman then comes home from work the next day. She then sees that the dishwasher was finally fixed, but family van is in shambles as it was the day before. She then asks here husband, "Dear, why didn't you work on the van?"

The husband answered, "Who do I look like? GM Goodwrench?" The wife again rushes to here bedroom, locking the husband out.

The third day the woman comes home from work. She then sees the dishwasher repaired, the van in good condition, but the kitchen floor is completely caked in crud and grime, just as it was the day before. She then asks the husband, "Dear, why didn't you clean the kitchen floor?"

As usual, the husband gives the insolent reply, "Who do I look like? Mr. Clean?" Once again the woman runs to her bedroom and locks the door, thus forcing the husband to sleep on the couch for the night.

The husband then had been gone on business for a week. When he came home, there was nothing wrong with the house and saw his wife sitting on the couch watching TV. "Dear" she said, "I had to call the plumber this week. The toilet was backed up so bad that there was nothing I could do."

"But honey," the husband said, "we didn't have enough money to pay for a plumbing job that extensive!"

"I know," the wife told him. "When I explained to him our financial situation, he said he only take one of two alternatives: either I should bake him a cake, or I should sleep with him."

The husband said, "Well, I hope you baked him a cake!"

With an evil grin on her face, the wife looked straight at her husband and said in a very mocking tone, "WHO DO I LOOK LIKE? BETTY CROCKER?????

[The Defibrillator]

Originally Posted by PanMan

i heard that mountain joke as well, it's great . . . here's another one i remembered . . .

There was a pilot on a military plane in a practice run, but they had a problem. the plane had too much weight, so the pilot told someone to throw something off to lighten the load. so the guy threw off a handgun.

there was still too much weight on the plane so the pilot told him to throw something else off, so he threw down a machine gun. but there was still too much weight so the pilot told the guy to drop something else, so he dropped a bomb.

so when the pilot was walking home that day he saw this kid crying and asked him what was wrong. the kid says "i was just running around playing and i looked up and a handgun hit me in the head!" the pilot then saw another kid crying a couple of blocks down and asked him what was wrong. the kid said "i was just running around playing and i looked up and a machine gun hit me in the head!"

so the pilot kept on walking and a few blocks down he saw this kid laughing his head off. he asked him what was so funny and he said "I farted and my house blew up!"

A funnier twist to this joke is:

he asked what was so funny and the kid says, "my grandma was knitting in her rocking chair, and then she farted and the house blew up!"

[CookSux]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[Reznorite420]

Two men are exploring a jungle when one of them feels something sharp thrust itself into his rear end. He turns around and finds a poison dart sticking out from where he felt the pain. At that moment he falls to the ground and loses conciousness.

Panicking, the other man doesn't know what to do. They're thousands of miles away from civilization and there isn't a hospital anywhere in sight. Just then a native tribe emerges from the foliage.

The chief says to the unharmed man, "He no dead. Will die in 2 minute unless venom sucked out from rear."

The wounded man wakes up, oblivious to what is happening. He asks his friend, "What's going on?"

With a look of despair on his face, the other tells his friend, "You gonna die, buddy! You gonna die!"

[GK Punk]

what do you tell your drummer when he says "Hey.. when do you play my song?"

YOUR FIRED!

What do you call a drummer with out a girlfriend?

Homeless...

(Hey, ask a musician for jokes, this is the crap you get!)

[Jade Green]

19 blondes and one Brunette were hanging precariously from a frayed rope. After a while they began to talk amungst themselves about who would let go to save the rest.

The Brunette then went into a long, sad story about how she would sacrifice her own lives to save the rest.

The blondes clapped.

[cqb101]

All the jokes are great....Kepp em comin!!!!!!!!

[The Defibrillator]

here goes

There was this Blonde Convention where blondes came from all over to prove to people that blondes weren't dumb.

The head blonde picks a random blonde out of the crowd and asks her, "What is 2+2?"

"uuhhh, 3!" she replies. Then the crowd roars, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The head blonde agrees, and tells the random blonde to try again.

"errr, is it 5?" is the answer.

Then the crowd roars, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The head blonde again agrees again, and tells the random blonde to try again.

"It's 4 isn't it!" the blonde says.

Then the crowd roars, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

[R-iZZy]

Here's one:

Two blondes came from the mall to find that they locked the keys inside the car. One blonde says, "Oh no... the keys are inside and we can't get in."

The other replied, "Hurry, it's about to rain and the top is down on the Convertible!"

Yeah... not as laughable as my others.

[GK Punk]

That's it, yer gettin' more drummer jokes....

Why do bands need Roadies?
To translate what the drummer says.

Two girls are walking along when they hear...
"Psst! Down here!"

They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.

The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"

The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

This one maybe only musicians will get..
A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"

"You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"

"This is a travel agency."

[Jade Green]

Heeeeey, G.Kitty, I've got an uber hot friend who's a drummer. He don't fit the stereo type, (but I'll tell them those jokes when I see him next anyways).

Here's a long one:

A frog hugs into a bank and goes up the the Loan adviser, Patty Black.

"I'd like to take out a loan."

Naturally, Patty BLack was surprised to see a talking frog but was even more shocked to see one in a bank no less. She kept her composure, and asked. "Well, do you have any callatoral?" (sp, I know, don't have to tell me)

"Yes I do." The frog pulled out a small, nicked figurine.

Unsure what to do now, Patty Black took it and went to see her manager.

"Sir," She told the old man who was about to leave for the day, "There's frog outside who wants a loan, this is his collateral, what should I do?"

Tired from a long days work, the old man took one look at the figurine and said, "Its a nicked knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan; this old man is going home."

((Corny, but an old one in my family))

[Voltron]

Another Superman Joke

Superman was patroling the city one day when he saw Wonder Woman sun bathing nude upon a roof top. He stopped and thought to himself.

"You know, with my super speed, I bet I could have sex with her and fly off before she even knew what happened."

So after a few minutes he decides to try it out.

FWOOSH! He does it in record time and flies off.

"What the hell was that?" Wonder Woman shrieks as she sits up from her beach chair.

"I don't know. But my ass sure does hurt...." replied the Invisible Man.

[cqb101]

Originally Posted by Voltron

Another Superman Joke

Superman was patroling the city one day when he saw Wonder Woman sun bathing nude upon a roof top. He stopped and thought to himself.

"You know, with my super speed, I bet I could have sex with her and fly off before she even knew what happened."

So after a few minutes he decides to try it out.

FWOOSH! He does it in record time and flies off.

"What the hell was that?" Wonder Woman shrieks as she sits up from her beach chair.

"I don't know. But my ass sure does hurt...." replied the Invisible Man.

Ya I've heard that one before.

[kyabetsu]

A proctologist entered his local bank and pulled out a paycheck. At an open space at the counter, he turned the check over and attempted to sign the back of it with a rectal thermometer that he pulled out of his shirt pocket.

Realizing his mistake when the thermometer refused to write, he exhaled in disgust and exclaimed, "GREAT! JUST GREAT! This means some ASSHOLE has my pen..."



...butt doctors are funnier than blondes....

[PanMan]

there were three men, a canadian, american and chinese person. the saw this really hot girl which they all wanted to marry. the girl decided that whoever jumped off the CN Tower and survived would marry her.

so the american goes first and plunges to his death. the canadian then jumps off and dies.

next the chinese man jumps off and survives! so at the wedding the girl was dying to know how he survived. He replied "Me Chinese! Me no Dumb! Me stick pillow up my bum!"

BTW it's particularily funny how that last line is said so if you don't find it funny, that may be why.

[GK Punk]

Originally Posted by Jade Green

Heeeeey, G.Kitty, I've got an uber hot friend who's a drummer. He don't fit the stereo type, (but I'll tell them those jokes when I see him next anyways).

Here's a long one:

A frog hugs into a bank and goes up the the Loan adviser, Patty Black.

"I'd like to take out a loan."

Naturally, Patty BLack was surprised to see a talking frog but was even more shocked to see one in a bank no less. She kept her composure, and asked. "Well, do you have any callatoral?" (sp, I know, don't have to tell me)

"Yes I do." The frog pulled out a small, nicked figurine.

Unsure what to do now, Patty Black took it and went to see her manager.

"Sir," She told the old man who was about to leave for the day, "There's frog outside who wants a loan, this is his collateral, what should I do?"

Tired from a long days work, the old man took one look at the figurine and said, "Its a nicked knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan; this old man is going home."

((Corny, but an old one in my family))

lol i almost told that one

[Jade Green]

A Rabbi went on a mission to the island of Ked where a small population of Ilanders lived.

When he reached there, he was astonished to see that all the Keds were starving at the base of the moutain.

"If you are starving, why don't you move to the other side of the mountain." He asked thier cheif.

"One path to other side, Monster guard it." The chief replied sullunly. "Kick us off cliff if we pass."

Not believing a word of this, the Rabbit followed up the trail and found a large rock in the way that would only allow one person to squeeze by at the time. Carefully, he squeezed by and saw the monster sound asleep. He snuck by and followed the path to find that the other side of the mountain was so lush with food that it would have put Eden to shame! He visited the otherside each day for the next week and sure enough, the monster was alseep at the same time every day.

Joyfully, he told this news to the chieftain. "You can sneak past while he sleeps!"

And so the Keds packed up their things and went one-by-one up the mountain and dissapearing be hind the rock; the rabbi, who had been bringing up the rear finnaly was able to squeeze by only to find in his dismay that all the Keds lay dead on the rocks below!

"Oh Monster!" He wailed, "It is because of me that the Keds have died! Kick me off the cliff too for it is the fate I deserve!"

The Monster merely looked down at him and said, "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Keds."

[Duke]

Okay this came out of a craker jack box so its not that great but it made me snicker.

What kind of vehicle has wheels and flies but isn't an aircraft?

A Garbage Truck

[Nickokapo]

oh oh oh another joke thread
Hold on im gonna see if i can find the old joke thread here, i posted a joke here that i liked >.> brb
edit: omg voltron posted the same joke weird coincidence...well in that case...um...check this:

=p

[Duke]

lol