[Fanfic] TMNT Movie Script

[ZariusTwo]

Finally have some free time to continue the script, here's a short sample...with a touch of product placement.

Spoiler:

(the pursuit of Baxter continues)

LOUDSPEAKER:
Attention! Until further notice, this facility is in lockdown. We apologize for any inconvenience

RAPHAEL:
We need to slow him down, so you better think fast!

DONATELLO:
You're not yourself right now.

RAPHAEL:
Yeah well I'm hungry.

DONATELLO:
You want a snickers?

RAPHAEL:
Any better ideas?

DONATELLO:
I guess Mikey's birthday present's gotta come early

RAPHAEL:
What do you mean by that?

DONATELLO:
This.

(he produces something from his shell. Raph's face beamed. It is a grappling hook)

RAPHAEL:
Just the thing

(he aims at Baxter and fires the grappling hook, it wraps around Baxter's legs and sends him to the floor. Raphael presses a button on the compact device and the hook and it's quarry find themselves being dragged back to them)

DONATELLO:
Nice aim. Strong catch

RAPHAEL:
Thanks. Now hand it over.

DONATELLO:
Hand what over?

RAPHAEL:
The snickers doofus.

(Donatello sighs and reaches in to his shell. He pulls out the snickers)

DONATELLO:
Better?

RAPHAEL:
Better

(he takes a bite out of it)

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome sample though Snicker's needs to be capitalized as it's a proper noun. I did like the exchange of "Better?" "Better." as a nod to the famous commercials. Nicely done.

[Whatswiththeheadbands?]

Leo's quite a jerk in this so far

[ZariusTwo]

Originally Posted by whatswiththeheadbands?

Leo's quite a jerk in this so far

Yep, he's got issues...all of which are explained

[Refractive Reflections]

Hey ZariusTwo,

I finished reading Ch. 1-12, and I can see where the T rating is coming from now with the language, alcohol/drug references, and brutal punishments of Bebop and Rocksteady. But it's not bad or anything, just different. So far it seems like it's 90% OT "gone darker in combination with the 1990 TMNT movie" so far from what I've read, but I guess I'll see some other TMNT incarnations soon enough after reading some later reviews .

I enjoy the multiple story lines here with the buildings being mysteriously destroyed (by the robots apparently), an apparent connection between the photograph of Ms. Ester's teenage relative and a mutated animal along with Bebop who has mutated, the complicated April and Casey relationship, and Leo's insistence to remain "in the shadows."

As I pointed out earlier in ff.net, it's a little unusual to see Raphael be more heroic in wanting to stop crime and Leonardo wanting to remain reclusive. Leonardo is much more stoic here, and I'm wondering if he's more Mirage Leonardo here. (I'm vaguely familiar with the comics' versions of the Turtles.) I guess I'm unsure how far, or how long this story is, but so far the Turtles seem to remain "in the shadows" so to speak by not being in the forefront yet, while April and Saki seem to be though. I'm predicting you're still trying to set up the plot and lay the foundation for everything, which is fine too...

Besides small grammar or very minor word errors, the story looks generally fine. But there's one thing that's lacking a bit, and it's the emotional description of the story. (One example is in my review for Ch. 7 with the motorcycle-car chase scene. It's totally up to you, but adding some "heart racing" descriptions, the fear, the blur of the environment and cars as Casey and April weaved through traffic, the tense anxious muscles of April trying to fight back, etc.). I don't know how much you want to emphasize it, but it can dramatically increase the suspense and can "plant" the reader into the tense situation right there with the character. In your OT novella fanfics, you displayed this when April was explaining how she distanced herself from the Turtles and felt emotionally lost in the sixth book "The Flies That Came To Dinner". It's just a small suggestion of mine, that's all, but doing so could help tug at the emotions of the reader and help relate more to those characters, if it's what you want in this particular fanfic.

If there are any particular aspects of the story you want me to keep a heavy eye on (i.e. character development, story suspense/plot, tone of the story, emotional/physical descriptions, pacing, etc.) that you're curious about what a reader may think of it, feel free to tell me and I can give you my small, humble opinion on it.

Looking forward to the next segment of chapters.

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks for all your helpful reviews J, it's appreciated

Yeah, the descriptive portions are lacking in places because I'm working word for word off the script, a lot of the prowse is actually what was in there and I didnt put a lot of time into...well..the parts that required "acting". Not to mention the script was written almost a year ago so I hadnt picked up on a few things I would apply to my more concurrent novella work

I think I get a bit better in the descriptions as the book goes on, but I'll leave that for you to judge. Yeah, so far the story is slow, but everything is being pecied together as you suspect, and when we get rolling, it all gets a lot faster.

[Refractive Reflections]

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

Thanks for all your helpful reviews J, it's appreciated

As long as the reviews are helpful to you, then I'm always glad to help. As you already know, I just want to give some "meat on the bones" when it comes to some reviews, so at least you'll have some idea of how the reader is perceiving things.

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

Yeah, the descriptive portions are lacking in places because I'm working word for word off the script, a lot of the prowse is actually what was in there and I didnt put a lot of time into...well..the parts that required "acting". Not to mention the script was written almost a year ago so I hadnt picked up on a few things I would apply to my more concurrent novella work

I guess the title with "TMNT Movie Script", it should have given me a clue about that, in which it would be more script than a story. Even though I know you wrote this almost a year ago, I noticed that you started posting the "We Are Shadows" chapters after "Mutants and Miracles", so I figured maybe you did some small revisions from whatever experience you had from those 5 OT novellas and incorporated them into the "We Are Shadows" story before posting them. (What I was assuming, was using the experience from the emotional descriptions from "The Lotus and the Sun" and "Mutants and Miracles" and touching up the "We Are Shadows" chapters with that type of detail upon rereading it.) But don't worry about it or anything, I guess I was assuming a different method to your revision/editing style.

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

I think I get a bit better in the descriptions as the book goes on, but I'll leave that for you to judge. Yeah, so far the story is slow, but everything is being pecied together as you suspect, and when we get rolling, it all gets a lot faster.

Looking forward to more of the story!

[ZariusTwo]

New sample. This takes place just before Don and Raph find out about a certain someone's involvment with an incident from earlier in the story

Spoiler:

(Raphael approaches Donatello, who is scanning the mouser network)

RAPHAEL:
Anything?

DONATELLO:
A lot of things. It's hard to navigate through this.

RAPHAEL:
You seem pretty confident nobody in this outfit set us up

DONATELLO:
It's a trait Splinter taught me, to always read faces as easily as one comprehends a book, and make logical deductions based off character.

RAPHAEL:
I find that really funny since you're so busy with machines more than man.

(he spots some lipstick on Donatello's cheek)

RAPHAEL:
...And other things

DONATELLO:
Hmm?

RAPHAEL:
Is that...ketchup or something? On your face, I mean

DONATELLO:
Oh, Irma gave me it when I started running tests. She's off to get me some coffe

RAPHAEL:
You know what Master Splinter said about tatooes...

DONATELLO:
Will you relax already? It totally comes off

RAPHAEL:
I don't see you wiping it

DONATELLO:
My fingers are on the keys genius.

RAPHAEL:
It doesn't take a whiz to understand your fingers could all over something else sooner or later

DONATELLO:
There!

RAPHAEL:
What?

DONATELLO:
I KNEW there was something lying underneath all this...

RAPHAEL:
Well, women get funny like that, I read it in a magazine lying around the sewers once...

DONATELLO:
No, not that. What's on the network. There's some sort of diverted route hidden under some dummy encodes above the standard co-oridinated map outline for the mousers, someone was really lazy at this..

RAPHAEL:
And everyone else must have been just as lazy not to notice it

DONATELLO:
Oh, to even professionally trained minds, this sort of thing can go over their average gaze

RAPHAEL:
But not yours

DONATELLO:
I'm brimming with genius

RAPHAEL:
You're full of something alright

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome sample. Looks like Irma's been kissing Don, hasn't she? I spotted a few mistakes: coffe should be coffee, and tattoes should be tattoos. Other than those little errors, awesome job on this. I can't wait for more.

[ZariusTwo]

Small sample

Spoiler:

LEONARDO:
Master Splinter!

SPLINTER:
Fortunate that you are here...but your oasis lies in the Mirage

DONATELLO:
The theatre

LEONARDO:
Don and I will head over there, Raph, you look after Splinter

RAPHAEL:
Hey, I'm very likely the one everyone will have a great time reading about if you're dumb enough to get us on the cover of every major newspaper in the country, how come I get to stay home?

LEONARDO:
You've asserted yourself well in many things Raph, this is another test. Besides, if we fall, we need you and hopefully Mike to rise.

RAPHAEL:
Except Mike only ever rises when the alarm clock goes off.

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome sample, Zar. I loved Raph's last line about Mikey only getting up when the alarm clock goes off. That was funn. Nicely done on this. I'll be eagerly awaiting an update.

[ZariusTwo]

Another short sample from near the end of the film

Spoiler:

DONATELLO:
In case you can't tell, I'm red all over at the moment

IRMA:
That's ok. It's living color. Just the way you like it.

(They kiss)

MICHELANGELO:
Well, what do ya know...

RAPHAEL:
I've gotta get me one of those

MICHELANGELO:
Knowing your luck you'd prefer locking lips with something that smiles and doesn't talk back, like the mona lisa or something

[BubblyShell22]

Wow. Awesome sample. Loved Mikey's joke about the Mona Lisa. Nicely done as always, Zar.

[Refractive Reflections]

Hmm... where to start.

It seems like these chapters are placing April, Casey, and Gabrielle's love triangle to forefront of the story. I enjoyed how Chapter 13 revealed Casey's backstory with Bishop mocking him, and these chapters (13-31) seems to present how complicated April and Casey's relationship is. One thing that threw me off was in Chapter 13, when April was upset and throws a lamp, and I can understand Casey comforting her, but letting the phone ring after their lives are threatened with both Bishop and Saki's thugs? To me, ignoring the phone call of another possible threat would make me very anxious.
It's interesting how Gabrielle still has feelings for Casey (could he have feelings for her too?), and Casey's jealousy toward Michelangelo, in which Michelangelo is able to comfort April in a way that Casey can't.

I guess the reason I said April, Casey, and Gabrielle seems to be in the forefront is that there hasn't been any heavy Turtle-focused chapters just yet. I mean there's the introduction they make with April and Irma, but the Turtle conversations are usually about fighting (in the present situation) or comedic situations/dialogue, with the exception of Michelangelo interacting with Zach and his friends (which is entertainingly warm and funny scene in Chapter 15.) I'm looking forward still to some brother-to-brother conversations, or Turtle-Splinter conversations to get to know the Turtles better.

I'm still interested to see how and why Leonardo is still reclusive to stay in the shadows. What really surprised me, was how Leonardo was willing to fight ("If you two take another step further in this direction, I move in") Raphael rather than asking to speak with Splinter first. The Leonardo in your fanfic is much more obdurate than how he was depicted in the OT, 4Kids, Nick, and movie versions. It's an unusual depiction of Leonardo because usually we (the readers) expect Leonardo to be very disciplined and firm, but still merciful and compassionate. Here he seems unrelentingly authoritative and I'm finding myself supporting Raphael's position.

One prominent shining moment in these chapters were the scenes with Splinter (Ch. 20-22), in his characterization (have some emotions beyond the wise stoic teacher), talking with April, and his description of the story about his master Hamato Yoshi and their beginnings. The fighting of Hamato Yoshi had both physical and emotional descriptions that brought the action/fighting scene to life. ...Maybe it was Splinter's narration that gave it that added emotional tone to it.

I do enjoy how you are able to add in Michelangelo humor and Raphael's quips in the story to balance out the seriousness of the story (action and suspense) with some comedic relief.

A couple of the fighting scenes and a story line did prompt my "analytical side": Hamato Yoshi's behavior with his hand being severed, and Bebop's still being conscious (after Leonardo made a "gash" on him and Raphael stabbing Bebop's arm), Bebop's strength (couldn't rip off the duct tape, but could tear out a street light reinforced by steel and concrete), and the plot hole with Irma (in Chapter 22 she's in the lair but then in Chapter 23, she's gone). But of course, you know me and details.

The story is evolving to be more complex, but not complicated, and I enjoy that, with Saki now wanting more mutants, the police communication "jammer" being used, Michelangelo's affectionate concern to April, April's house now destroyed, and the love triangle between April, Casey, and Gabrielle.
...I have a feeling later on in the story that I'm going to read about Leonardo finally confronting his brothers, on why he was so resistant to be involved with the humans and be on the surface.

Oh, I forgot to add one more thing. Love the hilarious Easter egg moments and references to the other versions of TMNT.

Until next time Zarius!

[ZariusTwo]

Thanks again for the extensive series of reviews J.

Leonardo's overreactions absolutely do have a storyline purpose to them. I've already given you big clues as to why and a question you asked once plays a big part in why he is how he is, read on to find out.

I've put Irma back into Chapter 23, not a big role, I just gave her a c couple of redudnant lines of Aprils'. I needed to go back in and polish that chapter anyway. And the duct tape issue will be brought up in one of the final few chapters as a coy nod to your nit-picky nature, rofl

Since there's an action beat every few chapters, and so much is going on with so many characters to deal with, I don't think I've had time for many Turtle-Turtle interactions for most of the story I'm afraid, but there is a choice exchange between Leo and Splinter down the line that I think you'll like.

[Refractive Reflections]

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

Thanks again for the extensive series of reviews J.

Leonardo's overreactions absolutely do have a storyline purpose to them. I've already given you big clues as to why and a question you asked once plays a big part in why he is how he is, read on to find out.

Hmm...looks like I'll have to focus a bit more on that. (Got a lot on my plate to review here, which is probably why I overlooked those clues. )

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

I've put Irma back into Chapter 23, not a big role, I just gave her a c couple of redudnant lines of Aprils'. I needed to go back in and polish that chapter anyway. And the duct tape issue will be brought up in one of the final few chapters as a coy nod to your nit-picky nature, rofl

"Nit-picky" nature. LOL, yeah... I guess when I'm seeing somebody trying to make a gem of a fanwork, I like to help the creator "polish" and make it brighter when I notice so much effort has been put into it. Maybe much more than what's wanted... As always, and of course you already know this , it's always just my lowly opinion and perspective.

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

Since there's an action beat every few chapters, and so much is going on with so many characters to deal with, I don't think I've had time for many Turtle-Turtle interactions for most of the story I'm afraid, but there is a choice exchange between Leo and Splinter down the line that I think you'll like.

I'm fine with that. As always, wherever you want to take the story Zarius. I write reviews sometimes with a bit of speculation and anticipation, just so the author knows where the reader is coming from and is expecting. For me at least, it's helpful if reviewers include some of that so I can take the aggregation of reviews from multiple different readers, and know if my foreshadowing and hints in the writing is coming off the way I expected or not. That's all.
So it's not disappointing or anything if there is few to no Turtle-Turtle interactions. The plot and twists are captivating!

Keep doing your great writing!

[ZariusTwo]

New sample

Spoiler:

INT: MIRAGE THEATRE
(Inside the theatre, there was a faint flicker of light as Rocksteady and Bebop naviogated tyheir way thorugh dark corridors using a small lantern they had appropriated from elsdewhere in the building, they are looking for a place to place the bomb. Saki is behind them setting up a video recorder)

ROCKSTEADY:
Boss, can I ask you something?

SAKI:
Ask. But make it quick

ROCKSTEADY:
Why are you dressed like that?

SAKI:
Dressed like what?

ROCKSTEADY:
Like some kind of Samurai.

SAKI:
It's incognito.

ROCKSTEADY:
But why did you dress like that around us?

BEBOP:
Yeah, we all know what you look like

SAKI:
I have to get into character

BEBOP:
Character?

SAKI:
The world's great enemies need not a face, but a shadow. We will forever BE shadows, my mask, my outfit, my character, will convey that threat to those that watch the recording I'm setting up. Every great flight of a doomed bird requires a black box to go with it so when the fall is so great, those on the ground curious will reach for the box and find their answers..we will drop a name to associate with the shadow

ROCKSTEADY:
...You got this from the Doctor Who marathon didn't you? That Vashda Nerada whatdoyoucallit?

SAKI:
It matters not where the idea originated

ROCKSTEADY:
Oh you so got him Bebop....nerd

(Saki charges towards Rocksteady)

SAKI:
Do you wish to stand shoulder to shoulder' with Bebop?

(Rocksteady looks on as Bebop tensely rubs his wounded shoulder)

ROCKSTEADY:
Carry on, carry on...

[BubblyShell22]

Awesome sample. I really liked it and can't wait for more.

[Refractive Reflections]

First of all, sorry for the delay but you know stuff happens.
Phew...Get ready for this detailed review. (I'm putting some spoilers in the the review, just for any new readers that come across this thread.) This review may be choppy, so I'll organize it here by numbering my points.

1) I gotta ask was April's journal entry in Chapter 33, supposed to be a nod to the original TMNT movie when April was narrating in the movie when she discussing about each of the Turtles?

2) One thing I enjoyed was the bonding conversations especially with April & Michelangelo, and with Leonardo & Casey.
2a) It was good that you made April ask if Michelangelo explored "heavy stuff", because knowing how comical Michelangelo is (at least how you made him here) it would have appeared to be an awkward relationship between a juvenile, spontaneous fun-loving person with a serious, stubborn journalist without that conversation.

2b) As for Leonardo and Casey, it's a bonding moment I don't think I would have ever thought of before. Usually we're so used to seeing Raphael and Casey bond, but this was refreshingly different in a way. Was that intentional, or were just trying to find a way to reveal Leonardo's backstory here? As I mentioned before, Leo's hindsight narration brings the emotions out and it's an applaudable moment here.

So it finally made sense now with why Leonardo was angsty...

Spoiler:

that he had a relationship of sorts with Venus, who was destroyed by Shredder. It would explain the feelings of inadequacy and guilt Leonardo is experiencing. The reason I was uncertain was because Leonardo was a child (3 years old here? Since they are 18 and the flashback said 15 years ago.) and I didn't know if it was his girlfriend or just a friend. These lines give it that poignancy:

What once was a lively, slow but gentle creature was now a mess of barely recognizable goo. Leonardo gathered as much of the solid chunks of the trodden corpse as possible and nursed them in his hands. Tears welled up in his eyes. He stared up at the stars.

The more you describe the mental and emotional thought process of the characters, the more it helps to engage the reader's emotions on why the tragic situation is so immense and heartbreaking. I don't know how emotionally in depth you want your writing, but if you describe the thought by thought process, it will help to create a more powerful emotional scene and give the reader more to emotionally relate to. Just my lowly two cents here.

3) As for Irma and Donatello, the potential kiss seemed a little rushed here. I guess I should consider the length of the story, but there wasn't a warmth between them like Michelangelo and April had. With Michelangelo and April, there was a serious heartfelt moment during the "heavy stuff" conversation, with Donatello and Irma... it was more or less humorous quipping. I guess I was looking for more of a "foundational principle" (if I'm making sense ) on what was bonding them together, something more substantial like April and Michelangelo had here to elevate the Donatello-Irma relationship to a more serious romantic level.

4) I got to say that your twists on the TMNT elements are unexpected... to say the least.

Spoiler:

With the Technodrome being used by the government and operated by Bishop, Hamato Yoshi being known as the "Rat King", Utrom being used as an acronym for mutations project, the Turtles helping and aiding the government, Oroku Saki being a businessman/researcher before assuming leadership of the Foot Clan. It was a bit odd though that with so much secrecy, (yes I know that Maxwell sensed he could trust the Turtles) Maxwell was so willing to allow such a secret operation to be revealed to the Turtles. It could have been a bit more convincing if somehow Maxwell felt forced somehow to reveal it.

5) The humor is very good. The TMNT references are cleverly subtle, and the humor tone between the characters is properly dry and witty here; some examples: Irma and Donatello's exchange (Ch. 45), the brotherly joking between Raphael and Donatello (Ch. 50).

6) The action scene at Ch. 51 stood out, with its detail, especially with Raphael's anger and language. (I didn't mind the language. ) The physical descriptions were fantastic:

"Stay down, you sniveling little BASTARD" Raphael cried out and viciously kicked Baxter square in the gut as he tried to get to his feet. Raphael grabbed Baxter's head and smacked it off the floor, Baxter's glasses were crushed in the impact.

...But to give that real fiery spark, if there was a bit more description on Raphael's racing heated emotions, it would have highlighted the bitterness and betrayal here, of knowing that their only home, their "refuge" from the harsh world was ultimately... destroyed. ...Do you see what I mean?

7) Lastly, before I end, you're writing Splinter remarkably well here with his speech, wisdom, and outlook. One thing that bothered me a bit was that Splinter seemed a bit aloof with Leonardo (Ch. 45), I was expecting more fatherly warmth after Splinter noticed how troubled Leonardo looked (i.e. an embrace or some type of personal encouragement) rather than giving some "teachable deep wisdom."

For example in this scene:

"It is not the method that moves us forward, but the choices. A good heart and a sane mind cannot be artificially constructed or programmed into us, it must be built by experience and enhanced by the care and attention we receive from others. We move forward through acceptance of the experience, of the memory, and the choice" Splinter advised.

I was hoping for Splinter to personalize the advice more to Leonardo, of how unique and wonderful Leonardo was himself. It could have displayed the more doting, paternal side of Splinter here.


Looks like the story is coming into the home stretch here Zarius! It'll be interesting to see how everything ends. Keep doing your good writing!

[Whatswiththeheadbands?]

Maybe Michael Bay should take a look at this script.