Break up advice.

[Commenter 42]

Originally Posted by shuriken

I gotcha (had to read over the replies for it to make sense)
And I would have to agree actually.

Cool. I was't trying to antagonize, just add on to what you said.

[shuriken]

I just though it was funny because I was called a misogynist once before. Apparently it's misogynistic to call a woman out that drinks from a buddy's glass of beer without his consent.
Also speaking of misogynistic here's this.
http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/10/...uldnt-believe/
Food for thought.

[Commenter 42]

While I've never been accused of being a nice guy, (Shocking I know. ) I've met dudes who roll out this line all the time. "Why do women want a$$holes!" they whine...

Knowing yourself is the first step to understanding how to have a normal healthy relationship. If you think you're a "nice guy" chances are, you're also 100 other things people can't stand.
Me, I'm a know-it-all a$$hole, hot-headed and curt. I'm a visible minority in a white world with a chip on my shoulder. But I own it. It's important to.

If you don't know you, she won't try to. (Translated from the original "don't front for the ****." )

[pennydreadful]

Ugh, the "women only want to date assholes, not Nice Guys like me" schtick. Barf.

I'm just gonna put this out there - confidence. Confidence is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Even if you don't have it, fake it. Save your insecurities until you've got 'em hooked.

Seriously though - insecurity is self-defeating in the worst way. Being confident doesn't mean that you won't get knocked back, but it'll certainly improve your odds. At the end of the day, people are animals - and when you get approached by another human bean, you read their body language. People are lazy - we look for visual cues to evaluate how we should react. If you roll up to a fellow bean with insecure body language/posture/tone of voice, the other person is going to pick up on it. If you don't think you're any good, why should they? If, on the other hand, you roll up with positive body language, you're more likely - not guaranteed, but more likely - to not get shot down immediately. People look to how you act to work out how to treat you.

I mean, look - rejection sucks. But it happens to everyone - even the gorgeous people, believe it or not. It happens to dudes, it happens to gals, it happens to you whether you're gay, straight, bi. It happens if you're rich, if you're poor, if you're genuinely nice or if you're the human equivalent of a headache. It happens if you're good-looking, average, below average - there is not a single person on this earth who has not been rejected numerous times. The only way to avoid rejection is to not enter the dating game at all. If you want to make a genuine connection with someone else on an intimate and meaningful level, you've got to put yourself out there and be vulnerable to having your heart ripped to shreds. It's just the way it is.

In the game of dates, you win or you die.

[shuriken]

Ya know I was terrified of rejection all through high school. Once I got into college I kinda learned to deal and not get hung up on it. Know that sometimes a woman just isn't into you, and that's ok. Someone will like what they see/hear/feel and gimme a chance. It's happened before and it'll happen again.
I'm not necessarily nice, I'd say I'm courteous but pretty blunt and awkward at times. But yeah I learned a while ago that nice guys can also be lazy, judgemental and completely insecure about themselves. There are also those dudes that just don't try, and complain about it. Like damn take some pride in how you look man.

[Commenter 42]

Hitting the gym, going for a run, eating well...those are the basics of life. These are things that feel good to do just cause. I like to sweat, but that's me. I like to cook, and eat clean. I like nice clothes, and Saturday mornings at the barber; thing is, all that stuff, it's basic -almost expected. Women want you to be concerned with them, not yourself, to make them feel good about being with you, and not someone else. If you got you squared away, everything will be fine. If you're spending all your time worrying about what she thinks, you're doing it wrong, because that's your mind saying you're not taking care of you. If you doubt, she doubts. It's not about acting the part, like in the movies where guy's all try on personalities to win the prize. It's doing the work so that you're prepared to get to know someone else.

[shuriken]

^^Yeah. Some of the best relationships I've had I've just sort of fallen into. Like a mutual friendship blossoming into something more. Granted there has to be an initial attraction, but being yourself is pretty damn important too.

[sdp]

Cybercube's comment about women being an investment and how you can't spend so much money on a girl and let her go is so funny. Some of the things he says are so out there.

Anywho before the OP takes any advice you have to remember a few things, if we don't have more background like how many girls you've ever dated how old you are and that's not even mentioning the relationship you had with this girl we can't really give you good advice as it would change depending on all those factors. With the vague references you give us what you need to do is cut all ties, ALL. Yes the next few weeks will be horrible but you'll get over it. If you continue trying to be friends or whatever you'll probably only hurt yourself more over a longer period of time. Not that you can't be friends or you can't get back together, of course that happens as well but those are the exceptions to the rule most likely this is over and you need to move on.

[pennydreadful]

I think the OP said he was 32 earlier and hasn't done a lot of dating. Don't think I've seen him in the threads for a week or so - probably busy with real life stuff, but hopefully he's starting to feel a bit better.

[CyberCubed]

I also imagine adults who break up and are in their 30's-40's have trouble dating again because at that point everyone has an established career and a kid or two. A lot of people don't want to be step parents, and if they see someone already has a kid with a previous marriage, its hard to get into that.

When you're young and only in your 20's everyone is just starting off so you're able to do whatever. Its a lot harder when everyone is older, has full-time jobs, and so forth.

[Bry]

Originally Posted by plastroncafe

My advice is this:

You're under no obligation to be her friend, not now or not ever again.

Late to the thread, but I can 100% vouch for this. She may have (or think she has) the best intentions, but the person playing the "let's still be friends" card is almost always the person who's moved on already to some degree. And that's an important thing to remember, because if you're the one being broken up with, that means the other person has been thinking about it or even planning it for a while. They've had time to sort through their feelings and come to terms with the change... but you haven't. So asking for friendship in that moment is a very unfair, and I'd say even selfish, situation for them to put you in. Just because they're ready for that doesn't mean you are, and you shouldn't be pressured into a situation you're not comfortable with or ready for.

Some romantic relationships can transition into healthy friendships, but not all, and even the ones that do will always take some time to get there. And if you're hurting like it seems you are, you're going to need time and space to move past it and kind of rediscover who you are on your own. She may want you in her life, but she chose to end your relationship, and all choices come with consequences. I think a lot of people make major life decisions but don't want to "lose" anything in the process, but that's not how it works. And you may still want her in your life, but if any part of that desire is romantic, spending time with her is very likely just going to stop you from healing. You don't owe her anything now, and you should 100% focus on yourself -- doing what you want to do, making yourself happy, and kinda "rebooting" your life. Try to enjoy that as much as you can. You can do anything you want. Enjoy the freedom and put your energies toward building an even better life.

I hope things have gotten better since you first posted.

[Jephael]

Originally Posted by Commenter 42

Knowing yourself is the first step to understanding how to have a normal healthy relationship. If you think you're a "nice guy" chances are, you're also 100 other things people can't stand.
Me, I'm a know-it-all a$$hole, hot-headed and curt. I'm a visible minority in a white world with a chip on my shoulder. But I own it. It's important to.

Would you mind if I made this my next Twitter post?

Originally Posted by shuriken

Jephael and CyberCubed you guys come off sounding kinda cheap. I get where you're coming from but yeah, maybe a little better wording next time.
Honestly though I prefer either cooking something for someone, or have her cook something for me. But every one in a while it's not a bad thing to whine and dine your significant other, make em feel special.

Hey living on a budget is tough. I got bills to pay, man! If I had the means, I'd eat out at Olive Garden every weekend, date or no date! Of course I'd probably end up looking like that Don Visioso character from the last season of TMNT.

[Andrew NDB]

Originally Posted by CyberCubed

I also imagine adults who break up and are in their 30's-40's have trouble dating again because at that point everyone has an established career and a kid or two. A lot of people don't want to be step parents, and if they see someone already has a kid with a previous marriage, its hard to get into that.

When you're young and only in your 20's everyone is just starting off so you're able to do whatever. Its a lot harder when everyone is older, has full-time jobs, and so forth.

That's actually very true.

[Jephael]

In short, being a grown up sucks donkey turds! Excuse me while I lament the fact that I'll be turning 35 this Saturday.

[Andrew NDB]

Originally Posted by Jephael

In short, being a grown up sucks donkey turds! Excuse me while I lament the fact that I'll be turning 35 this Saturday.

Not for you, on your side. You have no excessive baggage. You get your pick of the litter, in theory. Unless you muck it up.

[Netkeeper]

Originally Posted by pennydreadful

there is not a single person on this earth who has not been rejected numerous times.

Not me, I've only been rejected once. I'm a ****ing stud.

[Darthknuxward]

So I need some advice too. Coming from someone who is a teen, being the nice guy and being confident are hard to do after so many times of every girlfriend you've ever had being an abusive @$$hole. Especially my most recent girl I was attracted to, here's what happened. I'm not someone who thinks I'm a particularly "nice guy" but everyone's always told me that I am, so go figure. I already told this in the despair faction. I was very confident, even if on the inside I wasn't always. I literally did every single thing for her I could, and then she just lies to me, dates a "friend" who called me worthless to my face, and then says she'll only date me for a week after she knows I've been chasing after her for three years. And now she says she's "sorry" and "wants to be friends". But I'm just not sure I could ever do that because she's never been just a friend to me. It's been particularly hard to deal with and there are some details I can't even begin to elaborate on.

[Katie]

Teenagers.....


First, there's no rule that says you have to be friends with an ex. Why torture yourself. The only one of my past boyfriends that i would give the time of day to is dead. The others can go to hell.

Second, teenage years, in highschool, you shouldn't take dating seriously and i hope no sex is involved. Teenage girls that i knew barely knew what they wanted, how can they have a serious relationship? I sure as hell didn't know how to be in a serious relationship in highschool. It would have been a disaster. I dated casually ( ie went to movies, dances, etc) but nothing serious.

Finally, if some girl expects you to bow down to her, she isnt worth it. There are nice girls out there. If some girl expects the moon from you shes living in a fantasy. Run away fast.

[shuriken]

Damnit Katie making me edit my post cuz I took too long to write it. LOL jk
Anyway DarthnuxWard, it sounds like she just isn't that into you dude. You might be doing both of you a disservice. My advice to you is give yourself some space. If she doesn't like you and you're with someone that doesn't feel the same way or even goes so far as to only date you only a week. I know it sucks, but sometimes the object of your affection is just not as awesome as you'd like them to be.
I had something similar happen to me when I was a teen though. I was super into a girl named Ana when I was like 10. Didn't have the guts to tell her or really talk to her until I was like 12. Once I got to know her and hang out with her, she ended up asking me out. At this point I was 13 and of course I said yes and was just happy to have my first official girlfriend. Unfortunately I had no idea what I was doing and I couldn't hang out with her as much as I would have like and we broke up like 3 months after. I tried to patch things up but she was already dating a "friend" of mine and I was like alright, lets be friends.
Only reason I wanted to "be friends" was because we went to a private catholic school together (with only 1 8th grade class) and I had to see her every day for the next year. If not I woulda avoided here like Superman avoids Kryptonite. After a while though things just got bad between us and she hated my guts for some stupid reason I can't even remember. Sometimes its better to cut your losses and move on. It was a good learning experience if anything. In retrospect I probably should have held off dating until highschool.

[Bry]

Originally Posted by Darthknuxward

I literally did every single thing for her I could, and then she just lies to me, dates a "friend" who called me worthless to my face, and then says she'll only date me for a week after she knows I've been chasing after her for three years. And now she says she's "sorry" and "wants to be friends". But I'm just not sure I could ever do that because she's never been just a friend to me. It's been particularly hard to deal with and there are some details I can't even begin to elaborate on.

What Katie said.

But this part says a lot to me: "she knows I've been chasing after her for three years"

As someone who suffered from a few bouts of unrequited romance when I was a teenager and wish I'd figured this out at the time? If you have to chase someone, odds are it's just not going to work out. It's not easy to put aside your strong feelings for someone, but it's not fair to you or them to keep pursuing them if they're not interested in pursuing you as well. If they're not into you, you have to let them go.

Nothing's harder on your confidence than being perpetually rejected by the person you're interested in. And if you're pursuing them every day and they're not reciprocating, you're just cutting yourself down bit by bit. You both deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them, and if that's not what's happening here, you both need to move on and let each other move on.

Believe me, I know it's not easy. But I assure you, it gets easier to deal with these things with more time and experience.