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Old 11-15-2015, 07:09 PM   #1
Tetsu Deinonychus
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Break up advice.

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said our relationship was good but that we were too different to keep it up together. But, it seems like it's because she just wants to be with this other guy instead.

How do you get past having your girlfriend of two years possibly leaving you for somebody else, a friend of hers that she had a fling with before you (and so many female friends have had bad experiences dating) and once assured you you had no reason to be jealous of, when she still says she cares and wants to be friends, and you don't want to be angry at her because aside from this you still think highly of her as a person, but, you feel really really hurt?

Last edited by Tetsu Deinonychus; 11-15-2015 at 09:48 PM.
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Old 11-15-2015, 07:27 PM   #2
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Being dumped is the worst, and I'm really sorry you're going through that right now. Rejection just sucks.

My advice is this:

You're under no obligation to be her friend, not now or not ever again.

For right now you should concentrate on not feeling like crap. So do things that you enjoy doing. If you feel up to hanging out with friends, do that. If you feel like eating a pint of Hagen Das while mainlining "Brooklyn 99" on Hulu...do that.

Just keep in mind through it all that this will pass.
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just ignore what you don't like rather than obsessing over it and move on with your life.
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Old 11-15-2015, 07:28 PM   #3
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Tell her you don't want to talk to her for the time being, then just distance yourself until the pain heals.

Eh, it's the Netkeeper-approved way of dealing with people problems: ignore the piss out of that person until the bad things go away. Can't always work and I know I'm technically running from my problems, but damn if it isn't a piece of cake to do.
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Old 11-15-2015, 07:32 PM   #4
Tetsu Deinonychus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by plastroncafe View Post
Being dumped is the worst, and I'm really sorry you're going through that right now. Rejection just sucks.

My advice is this:

You're under no obligation to be her friend, not now or not ever again.

For right now you should concentrate on not feeling like crap. So do things that you enjoy doing. If you feel up to hanging out with friends, do that. If you feel like eating a pint of Hagen Das while mainlining "Brooklyn 99" on Hulu...do that.

Just keep in mind through it all that this will pass.
Thing is I do still want to be her friend, but yeah I'm trying to focus on feeling better and that's kinda the reason I'm here.

Edit: And, it's possible said guy might not be the reason she dumped me. I'm just worried if he is it will make things way more awkward. I was listening to a friend of mine who's a little paranoid about him (one of his exes) who's very protective of me.

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Old 11-15-2015, 07:47 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Tetsu Deinonychus Power-5 View Post
Thing is I do still want to be her friend, but yeah I'm trying to focus on feeling better and that's kinda the reason I'm here.
There's nothing saying you can't be her friend...I'd just really advise against trying it right now. Friends are equals, and right now she's at a power advantage over you.

If she's really a friend worth keeping she'll understand that you're hurting and give you the space you'll need to get over the rejection.
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just ignore what you don't like rather than obsessing over it and move on with your life.
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Old 11-15-2015, 07:48 PM   #6
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Speaking as an ex-girlfriend who is still good friends with her ex-boyfriend from 8 years ago, its all time. You need time apart. You need to be with good friends that can help you take your mind off things for a while.
And, after a lot of time with good friends, you need to remember how to enjoy being alone (which is the hardest part). Whether that's reading, music, comics, drawing, writing, etc. Find something that you enjoy doing alone that you do just to make you happy and it will make your life all the better.

Once you remember how to live without that person, it makes it a lot easier to be friends again.
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Old 11-15-2015, 07:57 PM   #7
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Just sever all ties. You'll all be better off. You'll be surprised how quickly you forget about someone when you each go your separate ways.
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Old 11-15-2015, 08:05 PM   #8
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I agree on the alone time. Take the time out to just be you and try to busy yourself with whatever life was like before you were with you.
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Old 11-15-2015, 08:15 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by plastroncafe
There's nothing saying you can't be her friend...I'd just really advise against trying it right now. Friends are equals, and right now she's at a power advantage over you.

If she's really a friend worth keeping she'll understand that you're hurting and give you the space you'll need to get over the rejection.
She pretty much gave me the same advice herself.

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Originally Posted by PangolinFeets
Speaking as an ex-girlfriend who is still good friends with her ex-boyfriend from 8 years ago, its all time. You need time apart. You need to be with good friends that can help you take your mind off things for a while.
And, after a lot of time with good friends, you need to remember how to enjoy being alone (which is the hardest part). Whether that's reading, music, comics, drawing, writing, etc. Find something that you enjoy doing alone that you do just to make you happy and it will make your life all the better.

Once you remember how to live without that person, it makes it a lot easier to be friends again.
I guess. I'm just worried about losing touch completely. I do still want her in my life even if it's no longer as a lover. She's the one who helped me through my mother passing away.

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I agree on the alone time. Take the time out to just be you and try to busy yourself with whatever life was like before you were with you.
I'm trying. I'm even back on the 'drome to tap into some nostalgia. Just don't have much going on right now.
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Old 11-15-2015, 09:17 PM   #10
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I'm trying. I'm even back on the 'drome to tap into some nostalgia. Just don't have much going on right now.
It happens. It's time to discover who you are without her, ya know?
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Old 11-15-2015, 09:36 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Coola Yagami View Post
It happens. It's time to discover who you are without her, ya know?
Yeah. I was thinking since it will be a while before I'll be able to be interested in anyone new. It's time to remember what I'm like when I neither have or want a girlfriend.

Also, I'm going to try to rebond with family now since things have been weird since my Mom got sick. When, I'm feeling better.

BTW thank you all very much.

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Old 11-16-2015, 02:30 AM   #12
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Well make sure you don't rush into anything. Give yourself some you time. And we're all here to help!
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Old 11-16-2015, 05:04 AM   #13
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It happens. It's time to discover who you are without her, ya know?
^best advice so far^

Everyone grieves differently, and mourning the loss of a relationship takes time, like anything else. I've found it's best to use that time to reflect on who you are, and what you really want. This is often the time that a little soul searching will yield the most gratifying and life affirming results. The key in all of it is to try and be honest with yourself.

If it turns out that she is leaving you for someone else, while that hurts like a MF, try to remember that decision isn't about you.

In the meantime, if you feel like being friendly, do it; if not, don't. Just don't try and manipulate the situation by being overly kind or outright cruel. There will be temptations for both, but neither will repair the relationship.
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Old 11-16-2015, 09:46 AM   #14
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Thanks. That sounds like good advice.
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Old 11-17-2015, 10:16 PM   #15
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Well It really all depends how bad the break was. It seems that even though it hurt, it wasn't really that messy. If you're able to e her friend without harboring any bad feelings or bringing up past memories constantly then by all means. I wasn't able to do that 4 times out of 5.
Out of 5 girlfriends that I've had I'm only on speaking terms with 1 because one of them hates me, another moved away and we just lost track of each other and the other two it was so messy I had to get away from them to avoid doing something stupid. Everyone and every relationship is different.
My advice to you is keep your head up. Rewire yourself to being single for a while and don't jump into anything. Cry, vent and talk about it only as much as you need to. Breaking up with someone you care about really sucks and its like relearning who you are without this person.
Also how old are you dude? I find the older I get, the easier it is dealing with break ups. Then again the first cut is the deepest right.
Anyway hope this helps. Got out of a messy relationship myself this past July and while I'm ok, it took a while to readjust myself.
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Old 11-18-2015, 12:00 PM   #16
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Old 11-18-2015, 01:22 PM   #17
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Well It really all depends how bad the break was. It seems that even though it hurt, it wasn't really that messy. If you're able to e her friend without harboring any bad feelings or bringing up past memories constantly then by all means. I wasn't able to do that 4 times out of 5.
If by "messy" you mean angry, then I guess it wasn't messy at all. I still think very highly of her and she said that our relationship was a good experience and that she still enjoys my company. She even said I was the best boyfriend she had. But, that we didn't have enough in common to keep it going for life (I liked our differences and thought they complimented each other, but I guess she didn't).

She also told me to stop being hard on myself when I took it as some kind of failure on my part. Which I still kind of do, really. "Good relationship, but I want to end it" is hard for my "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" mentality to process.

She said herself that she wants to be friends, and I already agreed to that. But, it's just going to be hard getting used to not thinking of her as my girlfriend. We'd been through a lot together, and there's going to be a lot I miss about being a couple with her.

I'm just kind of scared of losing that closeness with her and not being special to her anymore. And, I'm worried about how weird and awkward it will feel hanging out as friends the first few times, or seeing her with another guy (especially if it's who I think it is), or if something brings up memories of us as a couple. That's kind of why I want advice on how to deal with those feelings, especially from people who are good friends with their exes.

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Out of 5 girlfriends that I've had I'm only on speaking terms with 1 because one of them hates me, another moved away and we just lost track of each other and the other two it was so messy I had to get away from them to avoid doing something stupid. Everyone and every relationship is different.
My advice to you is keep your head up. Rewire yourself to being single for a while and don't jump into anything. Cry, vent and talk about it only as much as you need to. Breaking up with someone you care about really sucks and its like relearning who you are without this person.
That sounds rough. Sorry man.

Yeah, that seems to be the consensus I'm hearing from friends, people here, and even the girl who broke up with me. So, I let all my friends know that I'd rather not talk about the break up for awhile unless I bring it up. And, just want to talk about other things and have fun, etc. Until I get used to being my own person again.

Last night, I watched funny movies at a friend's house. It felt good.

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Also how old are you dude? I find the older I get, the easier it is dealing with break ups. Then again the first cut is the deepest right.
I'm 32, but very inexperienced. I didn't really start dating until my late 20s, and I only had one relationship before her. That relationship only lasted a couple of months though, and was turning sour anyway. It wasn't anything like this.

So, yes this is my first time dealing with the break up of a long relationship that I was still happy with, and I realize that's a factor.

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Anyway hope this helps. Got out of a messy relationship myself this past July and while I'm ok, it took a while to readjust myself.
Well, thanks. You hang in there, too.

@Amaranthus: LOL. Well, I'm glad she didn't do that.
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Old 11-18-2015, 01:23 PM   #18
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How do you get past having your girlfriend of two years possibly leaving you for somebody else, a friend of hers that she had a fling with before you (and so many female friends have had bad experiences dating) and once assured you you had no reason to be jealous of, when she still says she cares and wants to be friends, and you don't want to be angry at her because aside from this you still think highly of her as a person, but, you feel really really hurt?
By having a lot of sex with a lot of other girls.

OK, that's terrible advice. But then I really shouldn't be giving anyone relationship advice.
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Old 11-18-2015, 01:58 PM   #19
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By having a lot of sex with a lot of other girls.

OK, that's terrible advice. But then I really shouldn't be giving anyone relationship advice.
I'm sure you're not the only one who thinks that might help. Although not everyone is into casual sex. OP seems like he cared about his gf, so I doubt he'll be wanting to have sex with other girls anytime soon.
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Old 11-18-2015, 04:25 PM   #20
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If by "messy" you mean angry, then I guess it wasn't messy at all. I still think very highly of her and she said that our relationship was a good experience and that she still enjoys my company.
Messy as in you both love and care about each other but something is irredeemably broken in your relationship that you really have no choice but to break up and avoid each other.
I was with someone for 4 years that started my senior year in high school and we both just had enough of each other. I had a lot of growing up to do and I felt unappreciated and the last 2-3 months were a passive aggressive dance. I totally self sabatoged that looking back.
The last one was messy because we decided to have a small break while I'm in my last year of college, after about 3 1/2 years. I come home to Chicago to visit her at her and her sister's apartment only to find that she moved in with her new boyfriend. I was hurt and angry and just cut ties completely because I don't need that in my life.
Glad that yours went a lot better than that.

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I'm 32, but very inexperienced. I didn't really start dating until my late 20s, and I only had one relationship before her. That relationship only lasted a couple of months though, and was turning sour anyway. It wasn't anything like this.
So, yes this is my first time dealing with the break up of a long relationship that I was still happy with, and I realize that's a factor.
After the first one I talked about I was pretty depressed. I felt like an utter failure, even though I was mostly to blame, I was 21 at the time.
My most recent one had me feeling depressed but only for like a week or so, with waves of sadness coming in and out every once in a while.
Been talking and dating people, but nothing serious. You seem pretty level headed and you're older than me, so I think you'll be fine. Sounds cliche but time helps and heals.
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