[Fanfic] TMNT Movie Script

[ZariusTwo]

Wow, thanks for the compliment there Head Bands, that means an awful lot.

And thanks for your feedback as usual J.

1) I gotta ask was April's journal entry in Chapter 33, supposed to be a nod to the original TMNT movie when April was narrating in the movie when she discussing about each of the Turtles?

Got it in one there.

So it finally made sense now with why Leonardo was angsty...

Spoiler:

I don't know how emotionally in depth you want your writing, but if you describe the thought by thought process, it will help to create a more powerful emotional scene and give the reader more to emotionally relate to. Just my lowly two cents here.

Sometimes that sort of thing comes to when I'm particularly inspired, other times I avoid it just to rush a chapter out. Not a good idea in principle I know, as it seems I'd rather have the result assessed rather than the effort. I'll try to sprouse up on that area in the closing chapters.

3) As for Irma and Donatello, the potential kiss seemed a little rushed here. I guess I should consider the length of the story, but there wasn't a warmth between them like Michelangelo and April had. With Michelangelo and April, there was a serious heartfelt moment during the "heavy stuff" conversation, with Donatello and Irma... it was more or less humorous quipping. I guess I was looking for more of a "foundational principle" (if I'm making sense ) on what was bonding them together, something more substantial like April and Michelangelo had here to elevate the Donatello-Irma relationship to a more serious romantic level.

I kind of approached Don/Irma more matter of factly, being that Donatello is a little more logical about things, and Irma is more sheltered than April is and bottles herself up a lot, hiding behind cynacism and regualrity. I feel the subtle little teases hey had over the whole of the story were sufficient enough to justify their near kiss here. Besides, the story isnt over and you're going to get a real baptism of fire for the two coming up

4) I got to say that your twists on the TMNT elements are unexpected... to say the least.

Spoiler:

With the Technodrome being used by the government and operated by Bishop, Hamato Yoshi being known as the "Rat King", Utrom being used as an acronym for mutations project, the Turtles helping and aiding the government, Oroku Saki being a businessman/researcher before assuming leadership of the Foot Clan. It was a bit odd though that with so much secrecy, (yes I know that Maxwell sensed he could trust the Turtles) Maxwell was so willing to allow such a secret operation to be revealed to the Turtles. It could have been a bit more convincing if somehow Maxwell felt forced somehow to reveal it.

Spoiler:

Yeah, Maxwell just caught up in the exicitability of seeing his organization's life's work yeild some interesting results. If it helps, Mikey even calls him out on his willigness to share information TWICE, a little wink to the audience that I'm unashamedly just trying to move the story along and not bog it down, and I'm having one of the characters reprimand me for it so that the audience doesnt

6) The action scene at Ch. 51 stood out, with its detail, especially with Raphael's anger and language. (I didn't mind the language. ) The physical descriptions were fantastic:
...But to give that real fiery spark, if there was a bit more description on Raphael's racing heated emotions, it would have highlighted the bitterness and betrayal here, of knowing that their only home, their "refuge" from the harsh world was ultimately... destroyed. ...Do you see what I mean?

Perfectly. I can go back in there and add some emphasis if you want.

It could have displayed the more doting, paternal side of Splinter here.

I understand what you mean here, I was trying to make Splinter speak as if everyone was of a collective whole, that they were all his sons, and that keeping the components in check exceeded the need to address them individually. I might put something about that in Splinter's next scene in the story actually, thanks for that bit of inspiration

[ZariusTwo]

Well...we're just about done. I just completed and uploaded the final two chapters of the novelisation. Oddly, I havent actually finished the script yet, but I figured with only so few chapters to go I may as well wrap one manfiestation of the project up here and now.

Special thanks to JYX for his awesome commentaries and opinions (which are yet to end seeing as he's still reading this), Bubblyshell for keeping her eyes out for grammatical errors and other mistakes that often reared their head in this work (basicly boils down to overeagerness and dyspraxia on my end that leads to that), and everyone else who have kept their eyes open for this project and been incredibly gracious and kind

My next fanscript project isnt TMNT related, but if you think this is the end of the story, think again, I have a sequel in mind for this, I'd have to be daft to leave this world behind so readily.

[BubblyShell22]

I'll get to those chapters in a moment, Zar. It's sad to see this part of the script end, but I can't wait for the sequel and will be keeping my eyes out for it for sure. And you're welcome for everything I've done to help. It has been my pleasure to help you with any mistakes, and I will continue to do so as long as I can.

[Refractive Reflections]

With so many aspects of the story to review about, I'll try to categorize it: Here we go... (I'll try to use spoilers for any significant twists here.)

The Characters:
Leonardo:
His development was good here, you helped to explain why he was so resistant to go to the surface and his hardened, obdurate personality especially after that harsh experience when he went out before. I especially enjoyed how you put extensive detail in that vivid memory for Leonardo, which I believe is very crucial to understanding why Leonardo developed his personality and you nailed it well.

The dramatic fighting scene with Leonardo and Saki on the gantry was well-written with the details of the fire, the fire sprinklers, and the sparks coming off of the broken Mousers. You effectively "painted" the scene physically and emotionally as well, well done Zarius. The only problem I had was that after Leonardo was struck/stabbed(?) twice on the side, with a gash on his face... uh, maybe that needs to be addressed in Ch. 58 a bit. Otherwise for some readers, if you don't address the necessity of healing the protagonist's injuries (Ch. 58 ), it undermines the seriousness of the brutality of the fight (Ch. 57). ...Just something you may want to keep in mind, otherwise if it gets consistently ignored (not saying your fics do this), it could slip into melodrama territory. Because the reader will think, "If this writer ignores these serious injuries of the protagonist without having a period of recuperation, why should I take it seriously then?" Do you know what I mean?

One surprisingly good twist here was having Leonardo confide to Casey about his traumatic childhood experience. It was refreshing because usually the only way we know about Casey is either through bonding with Raphael or April.

The only thing I felt kind of lacking, was that I was kind of hoping the end to have Leonardo be comforted or encouraged a bit somehow after last speaking with Master Splinter about their accidental mutation, but then again you could be holding this out for the sequel.


Donatello & Irma:
I can tell when Irma was beginning to flirt with Donatello after first visiting his workshop, that you seem to be shipping this two pretty hard. Not saying it's bad or anything, but I don't know... I was kind of hoping for them to have a deeper connection (and conversation) with one another like April and Michelangelo did here, which would have solidified why their relationship works so well outside of the flirtatious humor, admiration, and quips. ...But that's just me.

You definitely got Irma's one-liners, and her having a good balance of being dryly sarcastic while still being characteristically clumsy.


Raphael:
Your version of Raphael was unique here because he seemed more "Leo"-ish in wanting save and help others than what we usually see from sulking Raphael, but he still had that fiery, irascible side to him that we are familiar with.

One thing I was confused about was the Splinter-Raphael conversation in Ch.56. As my chapter review, stated before:

I really enjoy these close character dialogues with each other and it was very well written, yet I'm wondering besides entering into this above ground world, Splinter letting go of secluding them to the sewers, and engaging in such a fierce battle with the Shredder for the first time, I wish there was a little more explanation as to what exactly is making these Turtles into "men". Is it the fighting or just going above on the streets? (Sorry if I'm kind of daft here. LOL)

It'll be interesting to see how Raphael could develop in your sequel.


Michelangelo, April, Casey, and Gabrielle:
For Michelangelo, he was probably the most covered Turtle (with Leonardo just a little bit behind) with his bond with April, Zach and the children. Besides having the children highlight Michelangelo's playfulness in front of April and his gregarious and warm personality, I was wondering if there was something a little more you were trying to convey there.

While I was a bit surprised at the depth of the April, Casey, and Gabrielle love triangle at first read, I see now from a hindsight perspective that it was used to help develop the characters before entering into the "wildness" and unfathomable world of Turtles, which was effective because it helped the reader to gradually transition into the sci-fi world of the story instead of just abruptly dropping the reader into it.

Spoiler:

Yet I was surprised that things worked out so amicably between April and Casey, knowing how hot-headed he can be and jealous he was of Michelangelo beforehand, and that things were resolved between Casey and Gabrielle. But there's always that sequel, so... lol

Splinter:
Splinter was the most spot-on characterization here (not insinuating the other characters weren't) with his conversation, wisdom and behavior. But as I mentioned before and as you already know, there needs to be a bit more fatherly affection from him because as wise as he is portrayed here, it also comes off as being somewhat aloof without any type of sincere physical gestures (i.e. embrace, hugging, warm gaze) to give the Turtles the motivation they need.
I noticed in Ch. 56, Raphael's heart was stirred, but there was little description about Splinter's emotions (i.e. "Splinter watched on proudly."). Maybe if there was a description about how Splinter felt somewhat emotionally torn from letting his children go out into the harsh above-ground world versus needing to let them go, it would provide more poignancy to his character.

The Plot:
Wow, so many unusual twists that I couldn't have expected, of course the biggest with Saki as we talked about earlier on ff.net. Was that all just finding a clever way to use all the TMNT franchise elements to create a unique story? Or will all these have a significantly much deeper meaning that will make the reader see these established characters in a completely different light than before? As you know, Saki's backstory was the most surprising for me.

The fighting:
The fighting scenes were wonderfully detailed here, especially with the chase with April and Casey from Rocksteady, Bebop destroying April's home, and the final fights (Ch.55-58 ) and notably the Leo-Saki fight as I mentioned before.

One moment that stood out was with Raphael impaling his sai in Rocksteady's eye. Maybe it's just me, but that seemed a bit intense and solidified the T rating here since it seemed a bit more cruel rather than just using the sai anywhere else on the body. (It's because I'm more of a visual reader, and I was imagining the opthalmic artery squirting out blood, even though you didn't describe the blood.) If there was any gory detail besides blood, then I would have suggested a M rating then. I don't mind any gory details, I'm just trying to get an understanding of how far you are taking the T rating, because the language certainly demonstrated that, but I was curious about how far you would be taking the violence.

The comedy:
Irma's and Michelangelo's characterization, the one-liners in incorporating references from other TMNT universes, and Raphael's quips brought the right balance of comic relief, which is needed in more serious stories. So I certainly commend you on that. The one-liner references are relentless Zarius! Was this all planned out or did they just come into your mind while in the middle of writing the dialogue/story?

So this is the end... or is it? Besides informing us here on the thread, I noticed your last chapter hinting toward that, especially with Bishop talking about the "Leatherhead" cases.

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

Special thanks to JYX for his awesome commentaries and opinions (which are yet to end seeing as he's still reading this),

Awww, thanks Zarius. I'm glad I could help, and I hope my reviews were helpful in your writing. As you know, I like to give more "meaty" reviews to writers, rather than just a "bare bones" review of a couple sentences, so that they'll know what parts I liked or didn't like. In my opinion, at least it gives the writer something more concrete in giving the details, rather than something vague which leaves the writer wondering exactly what was good or bad. But looking back on these long reviews, they were more like BIG ol' meaty "steaks".

If there are any particular characters, subplots, or details I didn't mention, but you're curious about how they were received, just feel free to either post about it or PM me. I'll be happy to reply back. Thanks for the great fanfic adventure! Until next time...

[ZariusTwo]

Originally Posted by JYX

With so many aspects of the story to review about, I'll try to categorize it: Here we go... (I'll try to use spoilers for any significant twists here.)

The Characters:
Leonardo:
His development was good here, you helped to explain why he was so resistant to go to the surface and his hardened, obdurate personality especially after that harsh experience when he went out before. I especially enjoyed how you put extensive detail in that vivid memory for Leonardo, which I believe is very crucial to understanding why Leonardo developed his personality and you nailed it well.

The dramatic fighting scene with Leonardo and Saki on the gantry was well-written with the details of the fire, the fire sprinklers, and the sparks coming off of the broken Mousers. You effectively "painted" the scene physically and emotionally as well, well done Zarius. The only problem I had was that after Leonardo was struck/stabbed(?) twice on the side, with a gash on his face... uh, maybe that needs to be addressed in Ch. 58 a bit. Otherwise for some readers, if you don't address the necessity of healing the protagonist's injuries (Ch. 58 ), it undermines the seriousness of the brutality of the fight (Ch. 57). ...Just something you may want to keep in mind, otherwise if it gets consistently ignored (not saying your fics do this), it could slip into melodrama territory. Because the reader will think, "If this writer ignores these serious injuries of the protagonist without having a period of recuperation, why should I take it seriously then?" Do you know what I mean?

I'm not going to ignore it, that's for certain. I look at the ending as very Back to the Future, and it will develop into one of those "for want of a nail" scenarios for Leonardo. If you know what that means, then you can get excited about what turns the character will take next

One surprisingly good twist here was having Leonardo confide to Casey about his traumatic childhood experience. It was refreshing because usually the only way we know about Casey is either through bonding with Raphael or April.

I just figured Leo was the one with the hottest head of the group in this particular peice and complimented Casey's bull-headedness, it made them kindred spirits. It was essential for the story to move forward and to give Casey more involvement, that way it freed up April for Mikey's own confessions.

The only thing I felt kind of lacking, was that I was kind of hoping the end to have Leonardo be comforted or encouraged a bit somehow after last speaking with Master Splinter about their accidental mutation, but then again you could be holding this out for the sequel.

There's a lot still to be said about Leo and Splinter, and yes the sequel will deal with things like that, mainly the frustrations. I know a lot of families who have cases where the fathers don't readily embrace their sons even if they're hurting, and it leads to both sides of the coin failing to reach a proper understanding, and with the bond between sensei and student, understanding is crucial, the will and intent for that is there, but the action is a considerable component that is missing and you might see conflict come out of that in the future.

Donatello & Irma:
I can tell when Irma was beginning to flirt with Donatello after first visiting his workshop, that you seem to be shipping this two pretty hard. Not saying it's bad or anything, but I don't know... I was kind of hoping for them to have a deeper connection (and conversation) with one another like April and Michelangelo did here, which would have solidified why their relationship works so well outside of the flirtatious humor, admiration, and quips. ...But that's just me.

My intent with Don and Irma was to make that the "old married couple" partnership of the peice. The reader is meant to understand right away they're going to be an item, and that everything building up to it is played for laughs. Besides, it's a more roundly accepted fanon pairing and little elloboration is required to appreciate it.

It'll be interesting to see how Raphael could develop in your sequel.

There was great deliberation in making Raph a little more centered and Leo-esque, there will be conflicts stemming out of that when it comes to judgement calls and leadership stances in the sequel, I feel by the end of the next one Raph may be more "in line" with how he's commonly portrayed.

Spoiler:

Yet I was surprised that things worked out so amicably between April and Casey, knowing how hot-headed he can be and jealous he was of Michelangelo beforehand, and that things were resolved between Casey and Gabrielle. But there's always that sequel, so... lol

Spoiler:

Absolutely. Keep in mind Casey and Gabe had JUST become parents, right now they're still in a fairy tale, but as we all know, eventually things can get stressful with kids. Diaper changes, trying to hold down a job, and wondering just what kind of life hsi ex April's going to have now that she's shacked up with a completly different species? That and reality will play a lot with his head

I noticed in Ch. 56, Raphael's heart was stirred, but there was little description about Splinter's emotions (i.e. "Splinter watched on proudly."). Maybe if there was a description about how Splinter felt somewhat emotionally torn from letting his children go out into the harsh above-ground world versus needing to let them go, it would provide more poignancy to his character.

See my point about Leonardo.

The comedy: Was this all planned out or did they just come into your mind while in the middle of writing the dialogue/story?

A lot of it was on the fly, relying on my memory and knowledge of the franchise.

So this is the end... or is it? Besides informing us here on the thread, I noticed your last chapter hinting toward that, especially with Bishop talking about the "Leatherhead" cases.

Who knows what that was about...part of the next plot or a missing adventure? We'll see

Awww, thanks Zarius. I'm glad I could help, and I hope my reviews were helpful in your writing. As you know, I like to give more "meaty" reviews to writers, rather than just a "bare bones" review of a couple sentences, so that they'll know what parts I liked or didn't like. In my opinion, at least it gives the writer something more concrete in giving the details, rather than something vague which leaves the writer wondering exactly what was good or bad. But looking back on these long reviews, they were more like BIG ol' meaty "steaks".

More like wholesome helpings of fish...a dish that's good for the brain.

[Refractive Reflections]

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

There's a lot still to be said about Leo and Splinter, and yes the sequel will deal with things like that, mainly the frustrations. I know a lot of families who have cases where the fathers don't readily embrace their sons even if they're hurting, and it leads to both sides of the coin failing to reach a proper understanding, and with the bond between sensei and student, understanding is crucial, the will and intent for that is there, but the action is a considerable component that is missing and you might see conflict come out of that in the future.

Spoiler:

Absolutely. Keep in mind Casey and Gabe had JUST become parents, right now they're still in a fairy tale, but as we all know, eventually things can get stressful with kids. Diaper changes, trying to hold down a job, and wondering just what kind of life hsi ex April's going to have now that she's shacked up with a completly different species? That and reality will play a lot with his head

I guess with my reviews I'm forgetting that there are a lot more developments in store for the characters. ...And this story isn't the end of it.

Spoiler:

As for Casey and April, I just thought it was a bit fast that after April and Casey broke up at the Technodrome scene, that soon afterward we see him saving Michelangelo (which is understandable since the Turtles saved Casey's life), and in the end, Casey and April behaving as if they were friends again. I thought there would have been a bit of awkwardness, that's all...

My intent with Don and Irma was to make that the "old married couple" partnership of the peice. The reader is meant to understand right away they're going to be an item, and that everything building up to it is played for laughs. Besides, it's a more roundly accepted fanon pairing and little elloboration is required to appreciate it.

I didn't mind their shipping at all. I guess what I was focused on, was seeing exactly the how and why the Don/Irma relationship worked so well from the writer's perspective, and to see that explored deeper. With that, it would help convince the reader, on a far deeper level beyond the OT humor and humor within the fanfic, why their relationship works.

There was great deliberation in making Raph a little more centered and Leo-esque, there will be conflicts stemming out of that when it comes to judgement calls and leadership stances in the sequel, I feel by the end of the next one Raph may be more "in line" with how he's commonly portrayed.

That's a development that I'm looking forward to. Usually whenever we are introduced to Raphael, he's already hot-headed and irritable from the beginning, but very rarely is there a full explanation as to why he has become so irritable, and why he sulks into the character we are all familiar with. I applaud you for taking on this feat since very rarely is this particular character trait of Raphael, explored as deeply as we (the fans) want the official material to go into. So I'm interested to see how he will be transformed more and more into the personality we are traditionally introduced to.

[ZariusTwo]

Originally Posted by JYX

I didn't mind their shipping at all. I guess what I was focused on, was seeing exactly the how and why the Don/Irma relationship worked so well from the writer's perspective, and to see that explored deeper. With that, it would help convince the reader, on a far deeper level beyond the OT humor and humor within the fanfic, why their relationship works.

You have a point, maybe I was too distracted by my OT fanfics and developing their relationship there, coupled with juggling the development of April and Mike's little get together, made me think I'd lose the pace of the plot juggling three pairings (in addition to Casey and Gabe), and it'd feel more like a hopeless romance novel than an action/adventure yarn. Definitely something to work on in the sequel too

[blindturtle02]

You've really put allot of hard work and passion into this. Great job. I haven't been able to read very much besides the first 2 chapters or so but hope to devote some time this weekend. It sure feels like TMNT to me.

[Refractive Reflections]

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

You have a point, maybe I was too distracted by my OT fanfics and developing their relationship there, coupled with juggling the development of April and Mike's little get together, made me think I'd lose the pace of the plot juggling three pairings (in addition to Casey and Gabe), and it'd feel more like a hopeless romance novel than an action/adventure yarn. Definitely something to work on in the sequel too

LOL, I understand where you are coming from, and it can be difficult trying to handle several relationships, subplots and plot lines to create a decent looking piece of storywriting "tapestry".

I guess what my long-winded self is trying to say here is that if Don & Irma had the same brief, deep moment like April and Mikey had, it would have given the Don/Irma pairing a bit of convincing depth. That's it, just one small scene. If there were multiple scenes of romance (i.e. being heartbroken, smitten, hopelessly infatuated, unrequited love), then yeah Zarius, it would have evolved the story into a romance novel. And you would have heard about it from me.

[ZariusTwo]

I thought I'd sort of given Don and Irma that kind of scene when they were bonding outside the Technodrome and Don made that remark about living colour, ah well, I sort of stick by my creative choices with those two, and nobody else seemed to take issue with it, but I appreciate that you just want me to give readers a more complete experiance

[Refractive Reflections]

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

I thought I'd sort of given Don and Irma that kind of scene when they were bonding outside the Technodrome and Don made that remark about living colour, ah well, I sort of stick by my creative choices with those two, and nobody else seemed to take issue with it, but I appreciate that you just want me to give readers a more complete experiance

Eh, it's just me and a tiny nit-picky thing...
It's totally cool how you want it.

You know that I wouldn't be that detailed about it, if I didn't think your story was already good stuff!

[ZariusTwo]

The sequel won't be out for quite a while (I intend to finish my novellas and work on my next fanscript project, which will take me through much of early to mid 2014), but I've finalized a title for it. For extra fun, I'm only giving you one letter from all four words. Have a swell time guessing.

"B. O. T. L"

[ZariusTwo]

So the time has come to start commencing work on the sequel to this script

I can now reveal that the initials B.O.T.L stand for....

Blossom of the Lotus.

I will be doing something different from script samples for this one, instead I will be dropping samples of scene breakdowns...basically a synopsis of a scene that I will map out in a script and later a novelization.

Without further ado, here's what I've written up for the first act

Spoiler:

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE

We begin IN DEEP SPACE, with a voice-over from APRIL O’NEIL, who talks about her father taking her stargazing as a child, she talks about how much we know of space, but that we can never extend our grasp far enough to understand it’s true potential.

She confesses there were many times she would stay up at night dreaming of a time where our efforts to touch the stars would be rewarded in kind by an attempt, somewhere beyond the other side, to give something back to us, to grasp our outreached hand and shake it in a firm bond of hope and understanding.

That’s what she would like to think.

A part of her however, wondered if the hand that reached out to us would want to hold it tight, or sever the hand from the body, to threaten the human race, to destroy it.

We suddenly ZOOM IN on a small TEAR in the fabric of reality, and SPEED THROUGH IT at an accelerated rate, to a far-off DISTANT PLANET located in DIMENSION X.

On the planet, several TURTELOIDS, one of whom is KERMA, are holding their ground against a battalion of ROCK SOLDIERS commanded by SHREEKA, mistress of LORD KRANG, an exiled Dimension X warlord who had been captured by the RESISTANCE.

We learn through the resistance that their planet had been swallowed up by the dimensional tear the opened and enveloped their entire quadrant. This is the means by which KRANG conquers whole galaxies, earning him the title of “twenty-four seven sovereign” based on his daily conquests.

The resistance leader asks KERMA if he has remembered the exact co-ordinates for something, having heard it off a dying trooper who previously had the information in his head, KERMA assures him he has. The resistance leader makes note of Kerma having a bad memory.

The small resistance group manage to put enough distance between themselves and the soliders and reach a RUN-DOWN LAB. Contained in the lab is a MATTER TRANSPORTER.
They reveal the cargo they are taking is in fact LORD KRANG. The aliens load up the transporter and send a rambling Krang into it.

SHREEKA and her ROCK SOLDIERS storm into the lab and brutally gun down the aliens, but not before the sole survivor, KERMA, destroys the transporter.

Mortally wounded by a blast from SHREEKA’s energy ring, KERMA defiantly tells her KRANG is out of her reach, he has dispatched him to the ICE ASTEROID OF MOR-TAL.

As he perishes, SHREEKA takes a look at the damaged control systems of the transporter and reveals to her minions that is hope...for the co-ordinates set do not match the ones that pinpoint MOR-TAL.

Instead, the co-ordinates point in the direction of a planet somewhere within the TERRAN SOLAR SYSTEM