Physical and mental health thread

[pennydreadful]

Like it says, y'all - this is a thread for anyone with physical or mental health issues to come and vent, share, support and more (or hell, even if you know someone who is having an issue along those lines).

I thought it might be a good idea to have a thread for people when they're going through a rough patch physically or mentally; give people in the 'drome who might not necessarily have one a support network.

[Icebot]

It's happening to me now. I was utterly humiliated today, as if I didn't suffer enough. I get punished for trying to be happy a lot and right now, I think I lost all my hope that I'll ever be happy again. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

[BubblyShell22]

So sorry to hear that, Icebot. Humiliation is never a good thing to deal with and the person who did that to you should be sorry they did it.

[Blossombrooks]

Icebot I'm sorry for your troubles, I've been in some pretty dark places myself and wondered the same. Please do hold on to hope though, things will get better and cliched as it sounds, a great healer for any humiliation is time, it will pass.

[Davetello]

Sorry to hear that Icebot :( we are all here if you wish to share.

I have mental health issues, but they are usually under control. Been in some dark places though and been struggling these last few weeks. Been missing my medication.

[pennydreadful]

Hey Dave and Icebot - sorry to hear that you're struggling atm; please don't be afraid to ask for help though.

There are several people on the forums who've dealt with depression and anxiety - so even though it feels like you're alone and nobody could possibly understand, that's just the depression talking. It's a hard thing to fight, so just try to go easy on yourself until you're back on your feet.

I also have major depressive disorder, but as long as I take my meds I'm just like everybody else. Doesn't mean I'm happy all the time, doesn't mean I never get sad, it just means my brain chemicals are balanced out enough that I don't have uncontrollable lows, I can actually feel happy, I can think rationally and I don't flip out over things.

It was a bit of a struggle for me to admit that I actually needed medication because I felt it made me weak, that there was nothing really wrong with me, that I should be able to beat it on my own, that depression wasn't a real illness and it just made me a failure - my brain was throwing out all sorts of unhelpful stuff at me because I couldn't think rationally at that stage. For a long time I tried to tough it out on just natural remedies or cold turkey, but it didn't help. I tried psychologists and psychiatrists - didn't help. When I finally did start trying medications, it was very hard because I just have a naturally high resistance to a lot of medication (I don't know why, it's just my metabolism, even as a kid a lot of stuff just had no effect on me - carsickness tablets, panadol, etc), so it took a really long time to find a medication that worked for me.

Because of that, I lost a very big chunk of my 20's to depression and anxiety before I finally managed to get it under control. (And a bonus bout of PTSD from some other stuff but I won't go into that here). I had zero quality of life for a very long time.

When I finally came out of the tunnel and was able to actually feel feelings again, I rediscovered my passion for TMNT - it was the first thing that I'd actually been able to feel happy about in years. So for that reason, the Turtles are really important to me because they represent the fact that I made it through the bad times and found my way back to myself, and became a stronger person as a result of all the crud that I went through.

Anyway, the point of my infodump overshare is not to rattle on about myself, but just to say - you're not alone, there are people here who do understand if you ever want to talk to them, and don't give up fighting. Remember to be kind to yourself - you are worth more than you think you are.

[Davetello]

Hey Dave and Icebot - sorry to hear that you're struggling atm; please don't be afraid to ask for help though.

There are several people on the forums who've dealt with depression and anxiety - so even though it feels like you're alone and nobody could possibly understand, that's just the depression talking. It's a hard thing to fight, so just try to go easy on yourself until you're back on your feet.

I also have major depressive disorder, but as long as I take my meds I'm just like everybody else. Doesn't mean I'm happy all the time, doesn't mean I never get sad, it just means my brain chemicals are balanced out enough that I don't have uncontrollable lows, I can actually feel happy, I can think rationally and I don't flip out over things.

It was a bit of a struggle for me to admit that I actually needed medication because I felt it made me weak, that there was nothing really wrong with me, that I should be able to beat it on my own, that depression wasn't a real illness and it just made me a failure - my brain was throwing out all sorts of unhelpful stuff at me because I couldn't think rationally at that stage. For a long time I tried to tough it out on just natural remedies or cold turkey, but it didn't help. I tried psychologists and psychiatrists - didn't help. When I finally did start trying medications, it was very hard because I just have a naturally high resistance to a lot of medication (I don't know why, it's just my metabolism, even as a kid a lot of stuff just had no effect on me - carsickness tablets, panadol, etc), so it took a really long time to find a medication that worked for me.

Because of that, I lost a very big chunk of my 20's to depression and anxiety before I finally managed to get it under control. (And a bonus bout of PTSD from some other stuff but I won't go into that here). I had zero quality of life for a very long time.

When I finally came out of the tunnel and was able to actually feel feelings again, I rediscovered my passion for TMNT - it was the first thing that I'd actually been able to feel happy about in years. So for that reason, the Turtles are really important to me because they represent the fact that I made it through the bad times and found my way back to myself, and became a stronger person as a result of all the crud that I went through.

Anyway, the point of my infodump overshare is not to rattle on about myself, but just to say - you're not alone, there are people here who do understand if you ever want to talk to them, and don't give up fighting. Remember to be kind to yourself - you are worth more than you think you are.

Thanks. Your words mean a lot to myself, and I'm sure Icebot as well.

Your situation mirrors mine - I struggled for a long time as well, and the medication has the same effect on me - has a balancing effect, rather than making me hit the high notes. The Turtles are a big part of what keeps me healthy too so I really know how you feel. I'm glad you're feeling a lot better now though :)

[Icebot]

Thanks everyone. I had a better day today than the last 2 days. I didn't have to deal with the humiliation that I did yesterday. I'd say things are better for now but it could change by next weekend.

[pennydreadful]

Well just hang in there Icebot and Dave - and if you feel things starting to slip, that's what this thread is for ok? You just come in here and vent.

In the meantime, make sure you eat well and get plenty of sleep, because if you're depressed it can really mess with your immune system.

[BubblyShell22]

Glad to hear things are looking up for you, Icebot.

I had a lot of anxiety when I was in college and was really hard on myself about succeeding. Once I graduated, I felt that sense of accomplishment at finally achieving the goal, and that made me feel better. Then the economy took a dive and while I tried to look for jobs, nothing seemed to work. I was very upset and really felt that things couldn't get better. But now I just take it one day at a time and don't worry about it at all. At least I have a place to live, food on the table, and clothes on my back.

Now the thing that causes me stress is the drama with my sis. She just won't stop.

[pennydreadful]

Sorry to hear that Bubbly (about the sister thing, I mean). There really needs to be a facility where people can just ship their annoying relatives. Keep 'em in a crate, feed them bread and water and only let them out when they agree to stop behaving like utter pillocks. :lol:

[BubblyShell22]

Yes, exactly. I'm just so sick of the drama.

[Electric]

So I suffer from a disease that affects the nerves and tendons in my feet and ankles, and causes muscle and tissue decay.
It's slowly progressive and gets worse over time. As of now, I have very weak ankles, and some slight foot deformity, which causes me to have poor balance and trip quite a bit. On top of this, I walk awkwardly, enough that if I walk by you you wouldn't notice, but if you stood there watching me walk for a few seconds, you could tell something was off. From all this, my feet are almost always in pain, which makes it painful to stand or walk for long periods of time, and I roll/sprain my ankles pretty consistently. And all of this will get worse as I get older.

Being in high school, possibly the least accepting crowd of people you can think of it, is difficult. I've had a couple issues with people, teasing or making comments, but I've dealt with them and luckily they haven't happened too often. Other than that, I just always feel like that's what others will notice about me, is how I walk, how my feet look etc. And that has actually caused me to develop a form of anxiety, which just makes it worse. Like most high school kids, I'm just trying to fit in, and honestly i have done a decent job. I do well in school, in the top 10% of my class, have good friends, involved in a ton of different extra curricular things, have a job. But because of my disease I'm always worried about people judging me for it, because I know people have. Plus, participating in things, like gym class, or standing in student sections for football games for 3 hours, are painful and uncomfortable for me.

[pennydreadful]

Sorry to hear that, Electric! I can imagine that it must be hard for you, worrying about being judged by your peers - being a teen isn't easy at the best of times. I know it sounds trite, but really, anyone who'd judge you based on your disease isn't worth your time.

As far as being self conscious about how you walk... don't be. So you don't walk the way most other people do - so what? You walk the way that you do. A penguin doesn't beat itself up because it walks differently from a seagull - it just keeps going on walking like a penguin and it don't care. You know why? Cuz penguins are freaking awesome. Did seagulls get a documentary about them voiced by Morgan Freeman? Nope! (Hope that didn't come out wrong; I tend to try to use humor to make other people feel better. Laughing at your fears can sometimes help with anxiety.).

Seriously though - I hope things get easier for you. Til then, hold your head high and ignore the seagulls. And remember to be kind to yourself. You should see if you're able to be excused from gym and football games if they're causing you pain. Honestly, it sounds like you're doing a great job of coping - other people might notice, but most of them are probably not paying nearly as much attention to it as you're afraid they are.

Hope this has helped, and that it didn't come off prattish or lecture-y?

[Electric]

Thanks. And don't worry, you sounded fine!

I know probably 90% of my worry is just me overthinking it, but I'm a teen, that's what we do best. It's always on my mind worrying if others are watching or noticing how I walk. And it's not a situation I can avoid, because it's walking, so anytime I'm anywhere it can be all that I think about, which is where my anxiety comes in.

As far as gym goes, I've luckily gotten it out the way already. Thing is, I'm not really that un athletic. As far as the rest of my body goes I'm fine. Just feet and ankles, which makes running difficult. But miraculously I still play lacrosse for my school, just one of the slower guys on the team. Of course I wear athletic braces which help my balance and keep me from rolling my ankles, but my feet are just In pain constantly when I wear them. It's something I just have to play through, kind of a lesser of two evils thing. And then add in me worrying of people noticing my braces.

football games were just an example, something that involves standing or walking for awhile. I don't have to go, I want to. It's part of being a high schooler that I enjoy. Again it just comes back to my feet being in pain while I'm standing there, and for awhile after.

I try my best to not let it impact me, and I really appreciate your response. It just affects a huge part of my life, so it's hard to get around.

I'm really glad I found this page, because outside of like family, I never talk to anyone about this.

[pennydreadful]

Ah, I understand re the sports thing now... I always hated those things so it didn't occur to me that you might actually want to go to it! :)

Regardless, I'm glad you're finding the thread helpful - I know we have a few people with health issues so I wanted there to be a space where people can come to vent or even ask advice.

Don't feel bad for overthinking - I wish I had some helpful suggestions re pain relief. Does your doctor have any kind of treatment plan to help you deal with these things as the disease progresses? Sorry if that is a stupid question; I don't really know much about your type of condition.

[Electric]

Don't worry about it! Honestly just talking to anyone about it helps. So thanks for that!

There's not much as far as pain relief, other than staying off my feet. I've tried everything from shoe inserts to wraps, doesn't make a dent. Just have to deal with the pain.

[ZariusTwo]

I'm virtually a hermit these days, I don't go outside a whole lot unless it's the backyard. It's strange because in the years following my mental breakdown I was outside all of the time but now I can't bring myself to even take a quick spin around the block or nip over to the shops for a drink. This is partially due to my crippling fear of dogs, I have'nt went near a park since two dogs off of their leashes and ran to me, and I went off on one to their owner, my friend had to apologize on behalf of me because I was on the other end of the park swearing blindly at the woman and calling her thick for playing with her pets in the midst of a car park.:(

[pennydreadful]

Sorry to hear that, Zarius. :(

[ZariusTwo]

Yeah, it's a bummer, I'm going to have to deal with it eventually as I'm starting to put on some pounds and the exercise is lacking at the moment

[CyberCubed]

I hate big dogs too. Can't say I have a fear of them but I purposely don't walk near them while I'm on the street.

[Kanon]

I hate big dogs too. Can't say I have a fear of them but I purposely don't walk near them while I'm on the street.

For me it´s even worse.....:ohwell:
I don´t like big dogs (or dogs generally), buuuut all dogs I met want to play with me, or they want to lick my arms with their ridiculous large tongues.

One thing that bothers me is, that I become thiner.
I am not losing weight (maybe my fat is now muscle mass :D), but my jeans are too big now and it´s tiresome to buy new ones...

[CyberCubed]

I do not trust those huge dogs at all. Especially when you hear stories on the news of a 5 year old boy who had his leg torn off by a dog owned by a neighbor.

Those huge dogs can snap at anytime and attack you if they think you're a threat. Protect any children from them at all costs.

[Prowler]

I'm kinda wary of dogs as well. When I was younger I used to even cross to the other side of the street to avoid walking past one, especially if it wasn't on the leash. I sorta overcame that problem and have no problem walking past most of them now since the most they usually do is smell your pants/legs. Btw, small dogs tend to be more aggressive than big dogs from my experience. But yea, I'm not trusting a Dobberman or a Rottweiler. Especially since their owners tend to be aggressive looking burly guys who most likely just got them for status and self-defense. People who view animals as weapons should have their pets taken away from them, imo. And even small dogs, it blows my mind when I see someone walking a Pittbull and unleashing it in a public garden full of families. They love to go on and on how Pittbulls aren't naturally aggressive but notice how every dog owner tends to say that their dog is harmless.

Other than a slight wariness of dogs, I don't really have any phobia. I do tend to OCD about irrelevant things more than I should, though. Strangely, it's harder to beat such habits than one thinks. When I was a kid, I used to wash my hands quite often.

[Netkeeper]

Hi health thread, what do you do when you want to admit yourself to the ER and you have no hospital in your town

I hate myself lol

[pennydreadful]

Hey Net - hope you're doing ok. *hugs*

I suppose I should add my two cents in the thread; as I've mentioned, my depression's acting up a little bit (for the first time since I started a medication that actually worked for me... so around two years or so). Hence why I'm not posting as much as usual.

I meant to go to the doctor this weekend but stuff's gotten busy so I'll have to reschedule for another couple of weeks - hopefully the doc will either increase my meds, or give me something that'll combine with it to give my system a bit of a kick in the ass.

In the meantime, I've quit all alcohol and caffeine for a while, I'm trying to get more sunlight and exercise as well as trying to keep a lid on my sugar intake, cuz I just feel tired, irritable and flat over absolutely nothing yet still can't sleep well.

Of course, what's most annoying is the fact that the meds I'm on already have a negative affect on my physical libido as it is (mental libido never quits on me!!) - so increasing my dose or adding something to it is just going to make it worse. Which I know seems like a petty thing to complain about, but I'm 30 years old and I resent not having the kind of physical sex drive which I know I have when I don't take medication.

It could be worse, I mean, I've been far more depressed than this - it's just that I have this huge fear of the illness coming back full strength and ending up where I was a few years ago.

[Netkeeper]

I'm doing a bit better since I posted that, but lately, it just seems like my depressive moods have gotten more frequent and more intense as time goes on. All I can do is sit around and wait and it's taking a huge toll on me. I just wish I could do something. Anything.

[Electric]

sorry to hear about all this net and penny

penny, the fact that youre dropping alcohol/caffiene and getting some sun and excercise is great. from anything ive read or heard excercise is a great way to help with depression, as it also makes you healthier too

[pennydreadful]

Thanks, Electric.

Net, are you able to at least see a doctor and see whether they can give you something to get over the rough patch?

[Leofan26]

I have seizures, they are uncontrollable right now and I've had them my whole life since I was a baby. Matter of fact I almost died from one when I was a baby, they are hard to deal with at times.

Some people have only one type of seizure, my brains filled with different types and is active with them daily and night time too. I even have some in my sleep, my body acts different when they are over, my body tends to shut down and takes a while to heal so I have to sleep it off a bit in order get on with my life.

Thing about seizures, they can also cause my emotions to go nuts a at times, mostly depression.

Over all, that's what I have to live with every day pretty much. I'll have rare days that I don't have any.

I'm not the only one that has these, many people do. Just like I said, different types, some could have more than one type or just one. I knew one girl or saw it on TV who'd have one every second and a hard time living.

[pennydreadful]

Sorry to hear that Leo - that must be really hard for you. :(

[Netkeeper]

I don't know what happened to me.

I was doing wonderfully a few minutes ago. As soon as I shut the door to my room I suddenly started feeling completely awful and once again pining for a doctor. I think I'm getting worse -- I want to cry but I can't will myself to even do that. My physical body hardly feels attached any more. I don't feel anything but a downward sort of sadness. It's almost like I'm on a drug right now, except I'm not. I feel like a lost, hopeless cause, and that I'll never truly be fixed and I'll end up dead soon, but I can't make myself care enough about it to cry.

Of course this has to happen when everyone in my house is asleep and I can't ask for any help.

[Mona_Lisa]

I don't know what happened to me.

I was doing wonderfully a few minutes ago. As soon as I shut the door to my room I suddenly started feeling completely awful and once again pining for a doctor. I think I'm getting worse -- I want to cry but I can't will myself to even do that. My physical body hardly feels attached any more. I don't feel anything but a downward sort of sadness. It's almost like I'm on a drug right now, except I'm not. I feel like a lost, hopeless cause, and that I'll never truly be fixed and I'll end up dead soon, but I can't make myself care enough about it to cry.

Of course this has to happen when everyone in my house is asleep and I can't ask for any help.

You gotta have faith, Faith in yourself. You are not a hopeless cause. Your a person of value and you are here for a reason. Don't will yourself to die, fight. And if you need to seek help, do so. Don't be ashamed!

[Leo656]

I feel ya. Me and the wife had another blow-up. Honestly? I'd like to bring the whole place down in flames and send us both to f*cking Hell. Nobody will ever convince me life is worth living. Every single day, when I'm falling asleep, I think to myself, "Man, I hope I don't wake up." But I always do. If it wasn't her it'd be something else.

I don't want to get too deep into it like last time. I just wish I was never born or wasn't such a coward so I could just finish it myself already. It's not going to get better, and I know that. Sick of trying.

Started typing a long letter to my sister that's morphing into what would be a pretty amazing suicide note. If it comes to that, I'll be sure and pass it around before I go. Heavily weighing all options right this moment. Everyone's asleep but me. It would be perfect.

I don't want to talk about why. I just want to make everything stop. I never asked for any of this. Being here. I curse every day. Things get so bad so fast, and stay that way. There's pills right over there, but I'm scared I won't take enough. I don't even know what they do. I heard you just go to sleep, but how would anyone know, really? I don't want to come back, if I go. Just disappear.

I probably won't. Coward. Just keep pretending to live. I promise, if I go, today, tomorrow, whenever, I will say goodbye first. You all deserve to read the letter, at least. It's almost beautiful. And I've put you through a lot. I know that. You deserve to understand, if/when.

Sorry for this. I am. I'm just broken. I truly believe that people who were not meant to be here are made that way, broken. As was made clear to me many times, I was not meant to be here. They told me so. Over and over again. Maybe that's why I'm broken. Made that way. Makes sense.

[pennydreadful]

Net and Leo656 - I know it seems like the most pointless thing you could do right now, and fighting back against this big black cr*ppy cloud in your head is the last thing you feel like doing - but hang on, even if it hurts.

I understand how you both feel. It's ok to not feel ok, guys. You don't have to walk around with a big smile when you're feeling rotten. You're both great people who are just going through a lot of sh*t right now, and that doesn't make you bad people, it doesn't make you hopeless and it doesn't make you irreparably broken.

And hey, it's ok to have a few cracks here and there. You know why? Because those cracks are part of what makes you the person that you are right now, and that person is not someone to be ashamed of.

http://www.deeprootsathome.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/319734_10150835738651213_1588852144_n-1.jpg

You are good, interesting, funny people - and you deserve to be happy. You are absolutely worthwhile, and you are already good enough.

http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/comicsalliance.com/files/2012/06/tumblrm4ya0qi1ca1rr4zq1o11280-1339014088.jpg

If you need me, please PM me ok? If you need to see a doctor, or call someone - please do. Depression is an illness, just like diabetes or asthma. If you were diabetic and you were having a low blood sugar attack, you'd get the help you needed to feel better. It's the same thing with depression - it doesn't make you weak or defective to ask for help, and you DO deserve it, no matter what that voice inside your head is telling you. You deserve help, you deserve happiness and you deserve to be loved.

Leo, you're not a failure, and you are more than the sum of your mistakes. Net, you're not a freak and you belong in this world as much as anybody else. You both only see flaws in yourselves - I see two special, unique, witty, intelligent, caring people who are different from other people and who I like specifically because of that. You're both really great people. I know you don't believe me, but I'm going to keep saying it until one day you realize it's true.

You aren't alone, even if it feels that way.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/514b5ea6314c704e7f973dabc70fee7b/tumblr_n5hh3z07X21rpu8e5o1_500.png

[Leo656]

632skZgCTJU

89PmK6FK8kw
"Red eyes...
Just keep my heart beating...
Your secret's safe with me...
Just drive...
I've broken our mirror
So our past won't look so tempting...

I never thought it'd feel this good to quit!
Failure tastes so sweet!
I'm not afraid anymore...
Forgive Me...

I'll swing here...
I'll hang from this rope...
Just at least until they've found me.
Stay close, dear...
The note on the floor says,
'I wish that you were here...'

I never thought it'd feel this good to quit!
Failure tastes so sweet!
I'm not afraid anymore...
Forgive Me...

So long to the future...
I never had a chance anyway!
So when I use my uses I get a problem with my brain...
This is a problem so intense
I cannot explain...
Over and over...
Which way to turn?!
There's no way out...
At this point I'm not concerned!

I never thought it'd feel this good to quit!
Failure tastes so sweet...
I'm not afraid anymore...
Forgive Me..."





I am in a very dark place.

[ZariusTwo]

Please find a light in life Leo, you're valued here greatly by a lot of us here. I was in the place you were in way back in 2010, where I met so many people on the brink of collapse, and it made me realize how much I wanted to stay and keep fighting for what I beleive in.

It has'nt been easy for me either these last few years, I'm more afraid of dogs than ever, I can't walk down the street to buy a magazine because I'm afraid of groups of people, kids especially because I don't trust them, I hate being inside a shop filled with comic books as it sends me into instant feelings of resentment and anxiety attacks. Even last night I had trouble with a friend with OCD who does'nt like sitting through the end credits of a movie and he made a bit of a scene, and I did'nt know how to take it.

I know this does'nt exactly sound like a pick-me-up, but trust me I'm getting to the point...

There are terrible people in terrible posistions and it angers me every day that most people are so low in standard and weak that they allow those jerks to be succcesful at what they do even if they do nothing but abuse their power, but they don't win, because somewhere in some bright corner of life, there exists options. Every so often I find places, communities, where every word I've said against that sort of system is vindicated, I am not alone, you are not alone, none of us are alone, we can be brought together on many a fun topic, focus on the light-hearted irreverency of life rather than the futile side of it.

[Leo656]

Trying to stay distracted in idle chatter.

[ZariusTwo]

Trying to stay distracted in idle chatter.

In Scotland we call that a "blether":)

[Leo656]

I'm Irish. We say, "F*ck Scotland." :lol:

Nah, nah, just clownin' dawg. We good, playa, we good.8)

I needed some yuks today.

[ZariusTwo]

I'm Irish. We say, "F*ck Scotland." :lol:

Watch it, you'll make me complain..but that's all we do anyway:)

[Leo656]

Just you and I as far as this forum goes, or Celts in general as far as real life goes? A case could be made either way. :lol:

[Leo656]

So it's been going bad again. It always does. I don't really have anyone who really cares about me, or genuinely wants to help me. I'm surrounded by people who only want to put me down, tell me I'm not doing enough to "make myself better". Other than you guys, who, no offense, are mostly words on a screen and can't really fix anything. Pieces of sh*t like my wife, or even my family, who only want me to "Do better" so they can take more from me. And when I speak in my own defense - that I've already gone to school, had several jobs, and made more money as it is than ANY of them, and that none of them can do ANYTHING right at all and are thus in no position to tell ME how easy it is, they start calling me names, insulting me. When I yell back, it's them again with "I'm gonna call the cops." THey make up lies and try to put me in jail, because they don't like that I'm ****ing right and they're ****ing wrong. So, when I start grabbing pill bottles off the shelf and tell them "Fine, I'll save you all a sh*tload of aggravation and just check out," they get on me for THAT, too, and again with the name calling and the abuse. I don't want to DO this anymore.

EDIT: Way too dark.

[Rooish]

Leo... So I don't think I've ever spoken to you but I obviously notice you on the forum... Your posts are insightful and deep. As a lesbian it really made me feel happy when you advocated that it was time for a gay ninja turtle when everyone else was a jerk about it. Anyway. Sounds like you've been with your jerk of a wife too long and should ditch that relationship. I know you said you felt like you were born broken and not meant to be here. I feel that way too sometimes, but good circumstances made things way better for me (not to mention some anti depressants and a mood stabilizer). And believe me I was not good. Major hypochondria, depression, anxiety, even a bit of psychosis. My point is that something has kept you on this earth despite everything you've suffered, which sounds like a lot. There is hope that your situation can change and you will look and have no idea how you got out of such a dark place but you did. I know you are not one to believe platitudes but you have been amazingly strong to put up with abuse for what sounds like your whole life. Please hang on and try to get out of that situation.

[Leo656]

Thanks, I guess. Ain't nowhere to go from here though so I really don't think I'm going to waste much more time prolonging the inevitable. I don't even want to. I'm so tired. Nothing's ever going to change, it's not like I'm suddenly ever going to be surrounded by people who aren't taking advantage of me. Pretty sure the "reason" I've made it this far is, "Everyone loves a f*cking sucker."

I don't have the strength to fight the whole world anymore. I seriously never asked to even be here and have specifically wanted to die since I was 6. I just can't handle anything anymore. Don't even want to try. So many things are wrong it would take a year to explain it. I just want to quit.

Of course, stupid me actually does research about ways you can kill yourself, and then reading about it makes it sound like a ****ing hassle. ****ing stupid.

[Hannurdock]

Its horrible to feel something wrong but you don't know what it is. I wish doctors had a better understanding of mental health problems.

I feel I have a switch in my brain that just goes on freaky mode. One minute I'm laughing over a video on the internet till the tears are streaming down my face, the next minute life is such an incessant struggle that death would be a blessing.

As a writer, this has been a huge block to my chosen career. How can you write when emotions are so varied and come and go so quickly?

It's physically draining and so, so tiring.

[Davetello]

I am terrified of dogs as well - to the point sometimes I avoid going out just because of the fear. There's this huge dog about 50 yards up the road, in the garden on the house on the corner. Sometimes I won't even go out unless someone can walk me to the garden, seriously. I was attacked by two dogs when I was young (nothing serious) and it's really left me in pieces. I have a couple of other phobias too, but I saw dogs being mentioned. I didn't realise it was common


Sorry everyone is struggling. I actually spent most of this week lying in bed feeling utterly hopeless and like my life would never turn for the better. An all too familiar feeling and a despair which I wouldn't wish on my worst fvcking enemy. At least we can all confide in each other.


I feel ya. Me and the wife had another blow-up. Honestly? I'd like to bring the whole place down in flames and send us both to f*cking Hell. Nobody will ever convince me life is worth living. Every single day, when I'm falling asleep, I think to myself, "Man, I hope I don't wake up." But I always do. If it wasn't her it'd be something else.

I don't want to get too deep into it like last time. I just wish I was never born or wasn't such a coward so I could just finish it myself already. It's not going to get better, and I know that. Sick of trying.

Started typing a long letter to my sister that's morphing into what would be a pretty amazing suicide note. If it comes to that, I'll be sure and pass it around before I go. Heavily weighing all options right this moment. Everyone's asleep but me. It would be perfect.

I don't want to talk about why. I just want to make everything stop. I never asked for any of this. Being here. I curse every day. Things get so bad so fast, and stay that way. There's pills right over there, but I'm scared I won't take enough. I don't even know what they do. I heard you just go to sleep, but how would anyone know, really? I don't want to come back, if I go. Just disappear.

I probably won't. Coward. Just keep pretending to live. I promise, if I go, today, tomorrow, whenever, I will say goodbye first. You all deserve to read the letter, at least. It's almost beautiful. And I've put you through a lot. I know that. You deserve to understand, if/when.

Sorry for this. I am. I'm just broken. I truly believe that people who were not meant to be here are made that way, broken. As was made clear to me many times, I was not meant to be here. They told me so. Over and over again. Maybe that's why I'm broken. Made that way. Makes sense.

This post is eerily similar to my life. We are the same age so I'd assume we've been through the same sort of things. I too go to sleep thinking I don't wanna wake up - but I wanna die on my own terms.

I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide, as you say you are. I don't have the stones to jump off a skyscraper or slit my wrists, so I just...exist. And my existence seems like a fvcking joke - I almost feel like people wonder why I'm still here. "Why is this mentally ill tool still living? Has he STILL not killed himself?"

I told you about me almost becoming a footballer. Well, I don't like celebrity culture, but I've had some really bizarre suicide ideation - like being a world-class footballer, scoring the winning goal in the World Cup Final. Then killing myself and have people talk about how good I was. It's ****ing mental and surely not the way a normal person thinks. Although I guess some people still fantasise about being an athlete/rock star/surgeon so perhaps I am just taking that to its logical conclusion given my suicidal thoughts.

Btw, as I type this I am not manic, or struggling. I actually feel fine - lucid, coherent, accepting. I feel like I'm in a position to logically state how I have been feeling.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. In one sense it makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone - in another it terrifies me that there's so many of us going through this turmoil.

My comments here extend to everyone who has outlined their struggles. The reason I quoted Leo's post is because he's basically put my decade-long thoughts into words.

[Leo656]

I know what you mean. Sometimes I'm just like, "Wow, so there are a lot of people are hopeless as me. Really should just quit, then. Life is obviously horrible."

I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't see the future. If I could, I definitely wouldn't have made it this long. Not one good thing in my life has been worth the rest of it.

[Davetello]

I know what you mean. Sometimes I'm just like, "Wow, so there are a lot of people are hopeless as me. Really should just quit, then. Life is obviously horrible."

I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't see the future. If I could, I definitely wouldn't have made it this long. Not one good thing in my life has been worth the rest of it.

It's bizarre. Do you think interacting with people of similar feelings helps? Shoulders to lean on? Or do you think it leads to a maelstrom of pity and wallowing in our own hopelessness? A circle which can't be broken?

I'm actually sitting here laughing at how similar our thoughts are. And because of that, it seems to have made me feel slightly better for a brief moment - almost like we're so out of it completely that it's gone beyond misery and into comedy at how surreal a situation it is.

Fvck knows what is going on. Perhaps I should go out and have sex with 5-10 women or get drunk. Problem is I don't like the taste of alchool and I can't seem to connect to females. Even if I could it would only bring brief release, as it's ultimately pretty shallow.

It's like when the Joker and Batman burst out laughing at the end of "The Killing Joke" LOL.

[Leo656]

:lol: Yeah really.

I think it helps in the moment to know people understand, and that's very important.

On the other hand, a lot of us are upset specifically because our problems are very real, and can't be talked away, and don't seem to ever change no matter what we do, and talking about it with like minds only goes so far. What we really want, is less to just die, but for a life worth living. And I've heard "Well, then go make one happen" a little bit too much, especially recently. This implication that's so popular these days, that inside, we're all capable of being rich and happy and owning the whole world if only we "man up" and grab it... is insulting. It's patently false. AIDS babies in Africa cannot "man up" and make a better life, they're going to die, and it won't be because of anything they did wrong, and they were born never having a chance to start with. Some people are human debris, and that's a fact of life.

I'm sick of being the "strong person" people want me to be. I didn't ask for that, all that was projected onto me from other people. Being a "strong person" is just a really nice way of saying you eat sh*t as a way of life. :ohwell:

Ultimately, I kind of look at life like a game of Monopoly. Every time anyone plays Monopoly, eventually, someone wants to quit because they're sick of it, they're losing so badly that the only reason you make them keep playing is because you get off on seeing them suffer. And if you don't let them quit, eventually, they flip the board over and walk away, and everyone's much worse off. I feel like people need to be allowed to say, "No more" when it's obvious they can't win.

I'd be a terrible motivational speaker. Hah. I'm a super dark person, the uplifting jokey stuff is just how I make it through the days, that, and drowning in idle chatter to keep me distracted.

[Davetello]

:lol: Yeah really.

I think it helps in the moment to know people understand, and that's very important.

On the other hand, a lot of us are upset specifically because our problems are very real, and can't be talked away, and don't seem to ever change no matter what we do, and talking about it with like minds only goes so far. What we really want, is less to just die, but for a life worth living. And I've heard "Well, then go make one happen" a little bit too much, especially recently. This implication that's so popular these days, that inside, we're all capable of being rich and happy and owning the whole world if only we "man up" and grab it... is insulting. It's patently false. AIDS babies in Africa cannot "man up" and make a better life, they're going to die, and it won't be because of anything they did wrong, and they were born never having a chance to start with. Some people are human debris, and that's a fact of life.

I'm sick of being the "strong person" people want me to be. I didn't ask for that, all that was projected onto me from other people. Being a "strong person" is just a really nice way of saying you eat sh*t as a way of life. :ohwell:

Ultimately, I kind of look at life like a game of Monopoly. Every time anyone plays Monopoly, eventually, someone wants to quit because they're sick of it, they're losing so badly that the only reason you make them keep playing is because you get off on seeing them suffer. And if you don't let them quit, eventually, they flip the board over and walk away, and everyone's much worse off. I feel like people need to be allowed to say, "No more" when it's obvious they can't win.

I'd be a terrible motivational speaker. Hah. I'm a super dark person, the uplifting jokey stuff is just how I make it through the days, that, and drowning in idle chatter to keep me distracted.

I understand, It's like a band aid. It helps for a while but it doesn't get to the root of the problem. I have a new psychologist - she's obviously very intelligent. Beautiful too. I enjoy talking to her even if it is only her job, and I feel better for a while afterwards. But it never lasts, because as you say talking can only go so far.

If I am being honest, I think my problems right now are more psychologically based than yours. My life doesn't really have practical problems on the levels yours appears to: the people in my life are good people and care about me, I live a quiet but pretty boring life. There's no real animosity for the most part. My problem is that I put too much stock in what strangers think of me and I let my low self-esteem affect my entire life in terms of romance, friends and work.

Your problems on the other hand seem to be more environmental, and it's almost as if you would feel better if people around you changed - as compared to mine which come from inside. It's clearly not as black and white as that, and the lines are blurred, but you know what I mean.

If I can offer some advice - I agree with others who have said you should punt your wife. If you genuinely feel she's a problem, and it's not just a case of venting at a woman you love when you're angry with her, then she's going to bring you down. I'd also recommend cutting ties with blood relatives, as painful as that may be. Obviously I have minimal knowledge of your situation, but there must be a way to escape the poisonous environment you seemingly find yourself in.

your monopoly analogy is pretty appropriate. And you're of course right about starving African kids. It's a ****ing crime that it's allowed to go on whilst other people live in mansions with 255993 rooms which are unoccupied. It's truly an indictment on our species. But it should make us realise that there are plenty of souls out there who have it worse than us. The problem with that logic is that our problems are first world. Once you are in a position where you can take access to food, shelter, water for granted, then we start to worry about the things we are being tormented with. You know all of this already but it's worth reiterating. If we could sit back and think "you know what? There are kids dying of cancer. My life could be worse, and perhaps I should be grateful for what I DO have" then life would be easier. But it takes such a strong soul to think that way for longer than a short while.

All in all there's not a lot more we can say. Just keep doing what you're doing - try to find the joy in anything you can, albeit small. And try not to be so hard on yourself (and that's pretty rich coming from me, by the way).

Keep going m8.

[Leo656]

There's just so many problems. We had a great start together, and a lot of what I lost over the years, I gave up to be with her. And I've never had a lot of friends or anything to start with, but everyone I ever knew has just grown into a worse person than they were, to the point where I couldn't even be around them if I wanted to. Most of our assets are in her name. Everyone believes the lies she tells about me to make herself look better. There's problems with my identity because of some misprinted documents from when I was born that I simply can't get fixed because I can't afford the procedures to fix them (they're needlessly complicated and expensive, I've spent years talking to lawyers off and on about it but nothing gets done without money, and lots of it), and that interferes with basic necessities like having a job, bank account, even ID. I'm lucky to have the jobs I have, they went out of their way to work around that whole complication, but most people won't.

I couldn't even get a place to stay if I left her, let alone a place to live. I've been through too much to go back to being homeless and I can't keep starting my life entirely over from nothing, which is what I've had to do every few years or so. I'd lose my job, lose everything. I couldn't get anywhere. But beyond my own sake, deep down, for what it's worth, I know it's not entirely her fault. She has her own deep mental issues and in a lot of ways, we've needed each other just to survive this far. But she's become such a spiteful, vindictive person ever since she got a FB account. She has all these strangers and fake people who feed her BS, and she talks herself up and puts me down, because she wants that hit of self-esteem. They've fed on problems she already had and made her a different person, telling her things like 'If he yells at you, put him in jail", or, "Why should you get a job? If you need more money, that's his (my) problem to fix, if he's such a man."

And not to piss off any feminists here, but a lot of the things that have gotten in my wife's head and caused our fights to get worse is because of rhetoric. I've seen what people have said to her in PMs. "Any man who says he's giving you advice is just trying to control you, don't let them do that." "If someone raises their voice, it means they have no argument and that you're entirely right, so whatever they say after that is wrong." Now, I know I come off as a bully, sometimes, but as far as my wife is concerned, the simple fact isn't that I'm controlling, it's that she makes bad decisions, especially about how much money she spends and/or who she decides to be friends with or tell certain things, people who can't be trusted, and when I give her advice, it's because I can see she's heading for a disaster that will affect BOTH of us. But, because she spends all day, every day talking to people online who tell her, "You are exactly right, and he is exactly wrong," she won't listen to me anymore. She'll even put me down, call me names, and say "I'm just 'motivating' you, like people say I should. People tell me if we want more money, then you need to go get it, and quit bitching about it. Stop being a f*cking loser." Notice they never say SHE should contribute a goddamn thing? She surrounds herself with these internet parasites who only tell her what she wants to hear, and then she unloads it all on me.

She didn't used to BE like this. I mean, she kind of did, but only back in the day on AIM. I should have taken it as a sign, but she did the exact same thing, and I had to deal with the same sudden obstinance, the same exact "You're not right, you're just trying to control me" nonsense. It's bulls*t. For example, if a person is looking for work, and there's a place across the street that will definitely hire you and work you every day, should you take that job, or one an hour away that "sounds like more fun" but only works you a few hours, three days a week, for less money? Guess which one I advised her to do, and which job she actually took. Also guess how it turned out after about two months. :roll: BUT, she was egged on by her online "friends"; "Do what makes you happy, don't let him 'control' you." Their words become her words, when otherwise, she knows better.

When we went through long stretches of time with no internet, we were a team, on the same page about everything, we helped each other. Every time she goes back online, though, she finds these stupid f*cking people who poison her mind. She refuses to take down her page and I've gone so far as to try and change her password and lock her out, because sad as that is, she can't see or accept that she has a problem. She goes on FB and starts arguments with people, or tells people lies about me, hoping to provoke real life fights with other people, so I can "be a man" and "defend her honor" because that's what her so-called friends tell her is "right". That a grown man should get in fistfights with people and go to jail to prove he loves someone, who only needs "defending" because she called someone an asshole on stupid FB. It's insane! She doesn't even know these people! She's just looking for attention! She obsesses over how many "Likes" she gets or who answers her friends requests! And she does all this instead of getting a job and trying to help us out of the life we're in, the life SHE is 100% responsible for!

We were getting ahead a few years ago, and SHE made a ton of mistakes that screwed it up, because she'd rather die than take my advice when people are in her ear. I stood by and supported her, as I always have, because I do love her and she is a good person in her heart even though she's easily manipulated. But still, it's her fault we're stuck, not mine. I was there for her when she had no one, for 15 years, and now, all she does is try and "stand up for herself" by putting me down. I don't keep her down, she keeps herself down, by making horrible life decisions and refusing to take any advice. "I don't listen to people who yell at me." Well, I wouldn't have to yell if you didn't make the exact worst possible decision in every situation, then act like it doesn't matter because it's not YOUR money that's gonna fix it. F*ck.

Part of it is the fact that if she can get rid of those parasites things might go back to normal, that gives me hope for us. She'll go out of her way to try and make up for things, sometimes, but then she'll talk to someone and they'll say something stupid and then we're fighting again. Beyond that, we've had so much amazing history on the other side of it, so many amazing good things that only happened because we were together. I can't stand the thought of throwing it all away because it got hard. We were both ready to die when we found each other, and in a lot of ways we saved each other. But it hurts to feel ever-more like I'm the only one who still cares, who still wants us to exist. She says one thing, the next day the opposite. One day she hates me, the next she'll talk about our future. I don't even know what's real between us anymore. What we had was special, I know that. And I knew, going in, that she had her own problems and was easily misled, and I was always trying to protect her from that. It worked for a while, but I swear, she's one of those people who feels like everyone's persecuting her, even if they're just helping her, and these people in her ear the last two years or so have NOT helped one bit.

Past that, even if I hated her, I couldn't bear having nothing again, no money, no home, no job, no nothing. I can't do all that again. Over and over already, just too many times. I'd rather we just go back to what we had, once. Why is that so hard? Why is it so hard to just HELP me instead of putting ME down for not doing "enough"? Why can't we just work together to put things back the way they belong and fix everything? Why can't she just f*cking LISTEN to me?!?!?

It's just all so ****ing hard, and I just don't know. Yes, the environment is toxic, but on the flip side, I have a roof and money and food and a job. I have none of that if I walk away, and none of those things can be replaced from square one, not in my position.

No matter what I choose, I suffer. I just can't believe things got so bad. Nothing was supposed to be this way. I don't care if there is a God, but I would sell my soul to Satan right f*cking now in exchange for an easy life, consequences be damned. I would. I've screamed it aloud. I've begged. He never shows up, and I've always heard The Devil never wastes an opportunity, so I guess he isn't real, so I guess God isn't, either, so if there's no chance I'll ever go to Heaven when I die or even be happy while I'm alive then why the mother****ing **** am I putting up with all this?!?! WHY?!?

I wish I lived in a really sh*tty area where some ****ing punk could just make the decision for me and kill me at random on the street for no reason. ****ing suburbs.

Is it really ****ing obvious I'm having a breakdown or am I just being ****ing paranoid?

[Davetello]

Went offline there man. I have read your post and tried to comprehend as much of your situation as possible from what you have outlined.

In regards to your wife, it seems to me like she is a good person (as you say), but she's very gullible and weak. When people become obsessed with things like Facebook and what people there tell them, that's when you know they are way too taken in by social media (harks back to what i said in CC's thread). Social media is great - in moderation and with perspective. She is obviously living vicariously through it and her online life is impairing her actual life.

It sounds like you're trapped. On one hand, you want away from her. However, on the other, you will lose everything. It's a dilemma mate and I really can't think of any solution. I assume you've talked to some sort of life professional who is an expert in this sort of thing? Possibly not in fact, because that ironically costs money.

But yes, it does sound like you're reaching out. I don't think you are having a breakdown - I am sensing frustration more than panic. You just feel like you can't escape your social setting. That's fine as many people feel that way (myself included sometimes). But you're clearly dealing with far bigger constraints. There's a real problem when you feel the need to stay with someone just to avoid being homeless or penniless. Nobody should have to be put in that position. But as I say I can't think of an answer.

The issues over your identity are clearly a major barrier as well, and not your fault. It sucks that you're being penalised for something you didn't cause and there really should be laws to protect you from that. It's pathetic that there is not sort of way to iron out your documents etc and confirm your identity without going to great expense.

I can understand your frustration man. I just don't what the solutions are. You're a smart, resourceful guy but these things are completely beyond your control. But your case is an example of how governments have failed many of their citizens.

I suppose in your position you have more chance of changing your gf than starting again from scratch financially without her. So perhaps sit her down and explain everything to her in full detail. I'm assuming you have already multiple times but you need to make her finally get the message.

It sounds like the people who are manipulating her views are pure poison. They do seem to be the very worst type of feminists (nothing against feminism, but referring to the people who twist its innocence into misandry). My first port of call if I was in your situation would be to somehow limit her access to the internet. I know she's an adult and can do what she wants but she's not helping anyone by being online constantly - apart from all these issues it's not healthy to be online constantly even if you're having a pleasant time, never mind what she's partaking in. Try and get her to obsess over something else - something where she won't be talking to pr!cks and hence won't affect how she feels about you and your relationship.

That should be the first thing you do. Make it crystal clear to her that the people she's talking to are having a devastating effect on your relationship, as their comments are manifesting in said relationship through her actions. If she doesn't get the message then at least you know for sure she isn't the right person. But that brings us back to the problem of leaving her...

[Leo656]

I absolutely don't want to be away from her, we've spent almost two decades building a life together. I just want things to go back to what we had before. I've tried talking it out, many times, it always becomes a fight because of Those People... "Yeah, so-and-so said you would say that, and they told me not to listen because it's all bullsh*t."

My sister, sadly, is very much the same way, and her ex (who recently passed away, leaving her with two kids) used to beat her, so she has her own man-hating issues. She always hated my wife for her own reasons, but when they do ever get together, they just feed each other that same bullsh*t about how I'M a bad person and everything is MY fault. And that sister, sadly, is the only family I have. She's also weak, spineless, can't do anything for herself, lives off of other people's sympathy and has no thoughts of her own beyond whatever the last person she talked to told her to think. So, anyways, she hates my wife, but when they get together and start talking about how horrible *I* am, it's ridiculous how fast things get out of hand. I literally have no one in real life to talk to, because my own sister would rather just hate me because I'm a man than consider my feelings because I'm her family and another human being. It's like a conspiracy or something.

When I was a kid, I went through therapy because I was diagnosed with PTSD and showed signs of paranoid schizophrenia. I have always been paranoid people were talking behind my back or conspiring against me, a lot of times because they WERE. But when a lot of those people went away, things calmed down a lot. But now, knowing for a fact that people ARE talking about me, conspiring against me... I feel like I"m slipping, again. It's like nobody even WANTS to hear my side, or even wants me to have a side. And it's scary, because when I have an "episode", things get dark really fast and I'm not entirely in control of what I say and do. I spent many years trying to avoid "triggers", and now, the people who are supposed to be helping me are all turning against me. And I didn't DO anything!

I don't want to lose anybody, but I got rid of my sister after we just recently reconnected because she's the same as ever, because I can't handle letting some welfare case, who only lives in poverty because she let some drunk knock her up, TWICE, and now can't work or support herself because she's stuck with those kids 24/7, tell ME how easy it is to "suck it up" and "just go make more money" when she can't even hold a goddamn job in the first place. Her life is only miserable because she chose it for herself. She didn't get herself pregnant, she CHOSE that. Then, after the same guy put her in the hospital, she let him knock her up AGAIN. How DARE she ****ing judge me. How DARE she ****ing INSULT me. She's just like my wife, exactly the same, because when I told her exactly what she needed to do, she refused to listen. "You need to let people make their own decisions," she says. Not when those decisions are disastrously goddamn WRONG! You ****ing MORON! She's ****ing WORTHLESS. We were so, so close when we were kids, and now she's ****ing bitter at me because she can't handle the life she gave herself. I've tried to help her a thousand times, and still, she sh*ts on me at every chance. Well, let her join her baby-daddy in the ground, then. Serves her right. I don't care if I ever see her again.

I wish we could have fixed things for real, just like I keep hoping my wife and I can fix things. She just needs to really LISTEN, not just cut me off and spout some nonsense some invisible FB person told her to say. All her canned responses and pre-prepared comebacks don't fix anything, they only make it worse. But she can't see that because these people have her all twisted around.

Things used to be so good between us. People used to point at us and say, "If they can't make it work, then nobody can," I swear. I guess nobody can. I hate that.

[Davetello]

It just sounds like they're being completely idiotic. I mean my mum does things which annoy me sometimes, and make me angry for a while - but she's absolutely nothing like the two women in your life. How come you don't have friends or other people you can turn to or talk to? Are those two really the only people you see on a regular basis (other than working acquaintances etc)?

I know what you mean about the paranoia and feeling victimised - almost punished - for being male. I get the same feelings, although not quite to the extent that you outline. Remember that the two of them haven't got a clue and are very insecure, so does it even matter that they're slagging you off? They're only doing it to make themselves feel better - deep down they don't believe any of the sh!te they spout, which is why they keep saying it i.e. they are trying to convince one another.

Perhaps you could do something for yourself? You seem to have some good qualities, couldn't you try and meet some new people who aren't common to both you and your wife? Perhaps then you would have people to talk to and you would be able to cope more. The environment is toxic but perhaps being able to cope with it more (a big ask I realise) is something that would make things easier in the temporary sense.

Your sister really sounds like she has serious problems. I've seen the occasional post from you before in regards to your family, back when I lurked, and it did seem like these people are holding you back in life. It's a shame because you have plenty to offer but you're trapped by your surroundings and company.

But it's good for you to get out your frustration by posting here. It will do you good for a few hours or a day so it's best just to let it out.

[Leo656]

All I do is work. I have no time or money for anything else, never did. I don't have the luxury of just taking time to go "hang out" with people. That costs money. And all my problems come down to the fact that I make more every year and it never goes far enough because everyone just wants more and more and more.

The irony is, every day at my job people tell me how much I've made their lives better and how grateful they are, then I come home and my life is miserable, when I get assaulted with how I don't "do enough", I'm not "good enough"... I do goddamn PLENTY. It's not FAIR that I be expected, demanded to do every goddamn thing. "It's easy, just go get another job, and another, and another... and then come home and cook, do dishes, do laundry, just go ahead and do everything, since you're such a 'Man'..." When is it enough? I went through hell to get the jobs I already have! I have friends who were in college for years and they flip burgers or pump f*cking gas! I broke my back doing manual labor for almost ten goddamn years, literally ruined my neck and spine, and I'd rather just crawl in a hole and die than ever do that again! Why can't I just do the job I went to school for, and have that be enough, and have the people who say they're helping actually help? It would be enough, if she would make just the slightest contribution. Instead of listening to everyone else. "It's his job to make all the money, you shouldn't have to help, he's supposed to be such a man." I want to kill those people, I do. Just f*cking murder them. I would love to see how they live, and meet the f*cking suckers they leech off of.

Again, didn't used to be that way. She had a few jobs, but she's kinda slow and can't take being told what to do, so she always got fired. Once people got in her ear, though, she gave up trying. Wasn't her responsibility.

I'll never understand how people only listen to the WRONG advice, from people who don't know the situation and don't even really care, and are just talking to make themselves heard. But they won't listen to someone who's actually trying to help them, or actually solve a problem, because that might entail listening to things they don't want to hear.

[Davetello]

All I do is work. I have no time or money for anything else, never did. I don't have the luxury of just taking time to go "hang out" with people. That costs money. And all my problems come down to the fact that I make more every year and it never goes far enough because everyone just wants more and more and more.

The irony is, every day at my job people tell me how much I've made their lives better and how grateful they are, then I come home and my life is miserable, when I get assaulted with how I don't "do enough", I'm not "good enough"... I do goddamn PLENTY. It's not FAIR that I be expected, demanded to do every goddamn thing. "It's easy, just go get another job, and another, and another... and then come home and cook, do dishes, do laundry, just go ahead and do everything, since you're such a 'Man'..." When is it enough? I went through hell to get the jobs I already have! I have friends who were in college for years and they flip burgers or pump f*cking gas! I broke my back doing manual labor for almost ten goddamn years, literally ruined my neck and spine, and I'd rather just crawl in a hole and die than ever do that again! Why can't I just do the job I went to school for, and have that be enough, and have the people who say they're helping actually help? It would be enough, if she would make just the slightest contribution. Instead of listening to everyone else. "It's his job to make all the money, you shouldn't have to help, he's supposed to be such a man." I want to kill those people, I do. Just f*cking murder them. I would love to see how they live, and meet the f*cking suckers they leech off of.

Again, didn't used to be that way. She had a few jobs, but she's kinda slow and can't take being told what to do, so she always got fired. Once people got in her ear, though, she gave up trying. Wasn't her responsibility.

I'll never understand how people only listen to the WRONG advice, from people who don't know the situation and don't even really care, and are just talking to make themselves heard. But they won't listen to someone who's actually trying to help them, or actually solve a problem, because that might entail listening to things they don't want to hear.

I've really put myself in your position after reading this particular post and I can understand why you feel this way. You obviously go to work then have to come home and do all the domestic bollocks as well - despite the fact your wife has done nothing all afternoon.

That's more common than you realise btw - people who are adored at work or by the people who consume what they do but are taken for granted by those at home. You're sourrounded by leeching parasites mate who are feeding from you financially, emotionally and manually. You're right that yo shouldn't have to be knackering yourself physically and draining yourself mentally. To be honest I'm quite lucky in that I have someone who cooks plenty of my meals - I'm not lazy or anything and I do enough, but I have someone who actually enjoys that sort of thing, so I am free to worry about life and experience my problems without having to zone it all our while washing clothes or cooking dinner on a regular basis. All of that stuff - without any help - after you come home from work is just taking the p!ss really and your wife needs to realise asap that your marriage is a partnership - you don't exist to make her life easier, your relationship exists to make both of your live easier. You also have to cope with a sense of emotional loss because you know what things USED to be like and what they could potentially be like again, so there's that sense of 'what if?' At least if she has been acting this way almost from the start then you'd know there was no hope and you wouldn't think of what things could be like.

I suppose I shouldn't be so harsh on your sister if she's slow etc. She seems like someone who doesn't really understand things or get why what she is doing is having a negative effect on other people. But at the same time that doesn't give her some sort of free pass to behave however she likes.

I think if I was in your position I'd be grow just as frustrated with the pair of them as you are.

[Leo656]

My wife's a little slow, my sister is just an idiot. Just a minor correction. If anything is wrong with my sister, it's that she smoked herself retarded years ago, and nothing more. I've blatantly copped to having lots of issues with women; that's because without fail, every single woman in my family is a clinical f*cking moron, just, completely dangerously stupid. Whether it's the ones who go out with guys who hit them, or the ones who aren't married but have three kids by three guys, and the guys all know and can't stand each other, or the ones who smoked a pack a day for years after already having emphysema... the only women I was around for almost 20 years were complete goddamn imbeciles who were constantly broke, constantly miserable, and/or constantly in and out of jail or rehab. And to this day, none of them has ever learned a damn thing.

To be fair, fairly recently my wife's picked up on some of the cooking and things, a little. And she gets a stipend from the government, so it's not like she gives zero cents, but it's almost always gone in two days. She racked up a ton of points on her license so the car insurance is astoundingly high, she has surcharges, credit card bills; it's a mess, literally neither of us could survive without the other because we keep having to pool all our resources just to break even. And we aren't really. But it's part of why I keep trying to make her see that we need to get on the same page and work together, that if I'm "telling her what to do", or "controlling" her as she'd put it, it's because I know what we have to do to fix things, I just need her to listen to me because I know what's going to work and what won't, that if she doesn't listen, we fail, and that failure is not an option in our position!

I didn't even used to like talking about that stuff, but the hell with it. She talks so much bad about me to those idiots online I may as well. I was raised that you don't make your family problems other people's business but if she can, I can, I guess. I'm not comfortable with it. It really makes me no better than her, in a way, but whatever. I didn't start it.

[Davetello]

My wife's a little slow, my sister is just an idiot. Just a minor correction. If anything is wrong with my sister, it's that she smoked herself retarded years ago, and nothing more.

To be fair, fairly recently my wife's picked up on some of the cooking and things, a little. And she gets a stipend from the government, so it's not like she gives zero cents, but it's almost always gone in two days. She racked up a ton of points on her license so the car insurance is astoundingly high, she has surcharges, credit card bills; it's a mess, literally neither of us could survive without the other because we keep having to pool all our resources just to break even. And we aren't really. But it's part of why I keep trying to make her see that we need to get on the same page and work together, that if I'm "telling her what to do", or "controlling" her as she'd put it, it's because I know what we have to do to fix things, I just need her to listen to me because I know what's going to work and what won't, that if she doesn't listen, we fail, and that failure is not an option in our position!

I didn't even used to like talking about that stuff, but the hell with it. She talks so much bad about me to those idiots online I may as well. I was raised that you don't make your family problems other people's business but if she can, I can, I guess. I'm not comfortable with it. It really makes me no better than her, in a way, but whatever. I didn't start it.

Ahh, I misread that part. Yeah, your sister clearly has drug problems, that much is/was clear.

The problem is that because of all those parasites feeding her garbage, in her mind you're delusional and don't know what you're doing. She probably thinks that your suggestions and plans will make things worse. Obviously that's not the case but it is what she's being told, and seeing as she's not as sharp as most people she is easily tricked. If you think about it it's a really sh!tty trick for those people to pull - they must be aware by now that she's slightly mentally deficient yet they still knowingly manipulate her just because of their own twisted outlooks. Scum.

I know what you mean. I didn't even feel right bringing up my own issues originally, and there probably are people who would judge us for it. At the same time, however, this thread's purpose is for people to lean on each other, and surely that culture of 'keeping things behind closed doors, real men don't cry' etc is part of what has fvkced society up in the first place? Vent away man.

[Leo656]

Hah, holy sh*t, I cry at The Lion King, f*ck those people, man. :lol: If anything I'm over-emotional. My therapist use to say I "feel things too deeply". Which can be great, but it can also turn frustration into psychotic goddamn hatred really quick, which isn't good at all.

And yeah, you're absolutely right, people have her thinking I'm delusional, insane. She says that all the time, because I yell. In frustration. After saying the same thing over and over again in a calm voice. To prove my point, once she starts saying that stuff, I can switch gears no problem and talk calmly again, at first... "Listen, I don't WANT to yell, but I'm upset, okay? So just listen..." And then she'll just interrupt, not let me talk, until I have to yell just to be heard! I've explained it all, my mental/emotional problems, everything - and I was told, very plainly, I don't need medication to function, I am perfectly fine as long as people are not deliberately making me upset. But she's all, "Nope, everyone *I* talk to says you should be on meds or in jail, because you're insane." For yelling. Occasionally punching walls and breaking things, yeah. You all would too, at some point or other. That's not, "insane", that's, "I'm frustrated, and if you won't listen to me, or even let me talk, then this rage has to go somewhere, so I guess it's going through the wall." And further, those people are therapists? I doubt it, I'd wager most of them are just bitter ex-girlfriends themselves, making themselves feel big with idle sh*t talk.

I'll say in her defense that once things get going, I can say things that are awful hard to apologize for. I'm vicious. I know that. But it's like a cornered cat lashing out... I never want for it to happen, I never even want to yell... but I get so mad at the fact that I even have to yell at all, combined with whatever the problem was in the first place, and... well, it's not good. I know that. The escalation of our arguments is unbelievable. The things we say to each other it's a wonder we're both still breathing. I'm not proud of that. Neither of us means it... but by that point, neither person wants to say "sorry", either, because each person feels the other one was the one out of line.

Sigh. It's a mess. And it was all so much easier without that goddamn FB. I knew it was going to happen, I just knew it.

[Davetello]

Hah, holy sh*t, I cry at The Lion King, f*ck those people, man. :lol: If anything I'm over-emotional. My therapist use to say I "feel things too deeply". Which can be great, but it can also turn frustration into psychotic goddamn hatred really quick, which isn't good at all.

And yeah, you're absolutely right, people have her thinking I'm delusional, insane. She says that all the time, because I yell. In frustration. After saying the same thing over and over again in a calm voice. To prove my point, once she starts saying that stuff, I can switch gears no problem and talk calmly again, at first... "Listen, I don't WANT to yell, but I'm upset, okay? So just listen..." And then she'll just interrupt, not let me talk, until I have to yell just to be heard! I've explained it all, my mental/emotional problems, everything - and I was told, very plainly, I don't need medication to function, I am perfectly fine as long as people are not deliberately making me upset. But she's all, "Nope, everyone *I* talk to says you should be on meds or in jail, because you're insane." For yelling. Occasionally punching walls and breaking things, yeah. You all would too, at some point or other. That's not, "insane", that's, "I'm frustrated, and if you won't listen to me, or even let me talk, then this rage has to go somewhere, so I guess it's going through the wall." And further, those people are therapists? I doubt it, I'd wager most of them are just bitter ex-girlfriends themselves, making themselves feel big with idle sh*t talk.

I'll say in her defense that once things get going, I can say things that are awful hard to apologize for. I'm vicious. I know that. But it's like a cornered cat lashing out... I never want for it to happen, I never even want to yell... but I get so mad at the fact that I even have to yell at all, combined with whatever the problem was in the first place, and... well, it's not good. I know that. The escalation of our arguments is unbelievable. The things we say to each other it's a wonder we're both still breathing. I'm not proud of that. Neither of us means it... but by that point, neither person wants to say "sorry", either, because each person feels the other one was the one out of line.

Sigh. It's a mess. And it was all so much easier without that goddamn FB. I knew it was going to happen, I just knew it.

Hahaha yeah I am emotional too, but I am getting better. I've become more laid-back over time, well as laid-back as I can really be and still function on a level which isn't lying to myself.

Yeah, it sounds like thing spiral out of control. I can't blame you for punching walls or unleashing your rage on things because I've done the same things in the past. And yeah, it's so annoying when people bait you about your emotional issues and then when you react they use it as confirmation of those emotional issues. It's like, "well, if you push me and keep saying I am something, there's only so much I can take",

I've been in arguments with people who just yell, even when I'm trying to speak calmly. You say "listen just calm down and we will talk even if we disagree" but sometimes they can't handle others telling them what they might not wanna hear. It sounds like she specialises in avoidance of issues tbh.

LOL at those tools telling her that you're insane etc. How exactly would a flock of nobodies on the internet who don't even know you you anything like that? :lol: I've said before that sites like facebook and twitter just lead to problems - 90% of the people who post there are childish and it just leads to this sort of thing.

[Prowler]

Crying, eh? I'm not a robot or anything but I hardly have such strong emotions. I'm a bit cold, I guess.

Many people seem to cry when watching on the news that there was an earthquake somewhere and thousands of people died. For a more common example, there's millions of people who have cried while watching a movie or a tv show. Honestly, I can say I've never cried in either situation.

That being said, I've cried before, obviously but it's been a long time since I've last done it.

[Davetello]

Crying, eh? I'm not a robot or anything but I hardly have such strong emotions. I'm a bit cold, I guess.

Many people seem to cry when watching on the news that there was an earthquake somewhere and thousands of people died. For a more common example, there's millions of people who have cried while watching a movie or a tv show. Honestly, I can say I've never cried in either situation.

That being said, I've cried before, obviously but it's been a long time since I've last done it.

Yeah, it depends really. It's pretty rare that I cry but it has happened.

Going by your posts, you don't sound THAT cold, you sound more like you are balanced; I mean you're obviously not a sociopath.

[Prowler]

Yeah, it depends really. It's pretty rare that I cry but it has happened.

Going by your posts, you don't sound THAT cold, you sound more like you are balanced; I mean you're obviously not a sociopath.

I know I'm not a sociopath. But I'm mostly referring to connection when it comes to human relationships. I always find it a bit hard to comfort someone when they're going through a hard time. It's like I get a mental block or something. Then again I was fairly awkward when I was a kid. Improved my social skills over the years but they're still not that great, I'm afraid.

[Davetello]

I know I'm not a sociopath. But I'm mostly referring to connection when it comes to human relationships. I always find it a bit hard to comfort someone when they're going through a hard time. It's like I get a mental block or something. Then again I was fairly awkward when I was a kid. Improved my social skills over the years but they're still not that great, I'm afraid.

I know what you mean. I'm sorta the same in terms of social skills - mine aren't great either but I have a lot of compassion and can empathise with other people's pain strongly.

Anyway, I am gonna go offline now. Gonna watch some football (I guess you're watching the Benfica game?) but talk soon Prowler.

Leo - take it easy pal. And continue venting if it helps you. Will talk to you both again later.

[Leo656]

Dave: Yeah, she's an avoider. I do yell, but I also have NO problem in calming down and talking it out later on. Me and my old man used to f*ck each other up, then have dinner an hour later once we were calm. People never understood that, but it's just how we were and I am. "Okay, so that happened. I'm over it, what now?" Friends who'd be over would see me and my Dad having these fist fights and want to call the cops, which I understand, but it was just how it was with us, and when it was over it was over.

When we fight, she'll stay mad forever, and not want to ever talk about it. A lot of times she just leaves, which I hate, partly because it wastes gas, partly because I worry about her getting into an accident while she's driving around all emotional, and partly, because when my parents used to fight, my mom used to pull random disappearing acts too, sometimes not come home for days and other times my dad would find her f*cking some guy, so all of that really messed me up. So when she up and leaves in the middle of a fight, it really messes with me, partly because it brings all that sh*t back into my mind, but because nobody ever fixed a problem by running away from it. I completely understand not wanting to stay and be yelled at, but holy sh*t, now I'm even more pissed off than I was before, and I'm literally begging you to just stay and listen to me and not fight with me. But her "friends" say she has to up and leave every time I get mad. Which wastes a ton of gas, by the way.

I know some people are non-confrontational, but I seriously don't want to fight, either, I just want to be heard. And I know she does too, it's just... when you make a lot of bad decisions, you have to defer to people who know better. A lot of times, it's, "I hear you, okay? I do. You know I love you, or you should know that. And I know you feel like I'm putting you down, controlling you, whatever... I know it can seem that way. It's not that I don't hear you, and not that I don't listen... it's just, you are NOT right about this. This thing we're fighting about, you're not even a little bit right, I'm sorry. So, I hear you, but you have to understand, you can't take something Wrong and turn it into something Right. The thing you said/did/didn't do? It's just wrong. And I need you to understand that. Please." "Nope, you're just an asshole."

I'unno, it's hard. I knew going in that she was going to be a project because she's a little bit slow (I mean, I'm not putting her down, it's not like she's retarded, it's barely noticeable there's anything wrong with her unless you have a long conversation with her, and she's really smart about certain things). And she was always overly emotional. It's just... we were in high school, I thought she'd have matured by now, but if anything she's regressed.

Anyways, later bro.

[Storm Eagle]

I know what you mean. I didn't even feel right bringing up my own issues originally, and there probably are people who would judge us for it. At the same time, however, this thread's purpose is for people to lean on each other, and surely that culture of 'keeping things behind closed doors, real men don't cry' etc is part of what has fvkced society up in the first place? Vent away man.

I cried a couple of months ago when I realized I hurt someone I care about and respect. Two months before that, I cried for ten consecutive days because I thought I'd never see this person again.

[ssjup81]

I don't have any physical issues, but I do have depression issues. It isn't too severe, but I do have days where I don't want to do anything constructive and I never understand the cause of it.

I was taking anti-depressants last year, but going to the actual doctor is a bit difficult (going to Tokyo is too expensive and far for me to go regularly), I went off of it. It's been over a year now. Someday I'll go back....if it ever gets to a dangerous level.

I've always had depression issues, ever since I was super young, but I always kept it to myself and last year it got so ad I had to see someone.

[pennydreadful]

Sorry to hear that dude. Do you have any support systems, since you're living overseas?

Have you ever tried any herbal remedies, like St John's Wort, SamE or Ginkgo Balboa or anything like that? I never had any luck with them, but some people have found natural remedies to be helpful in managing their depression, and with fewer side effects than prescription antidepressants.

[Leo656]

Not to derail the conversation, but since this is also the physical health thread, I felt like sharing a little of my own recent progress. Long story short, a few months ago at a wrestling seminar, a few people took a few cheap shots at how I looked, particularly that I have a distinct lack of ab definition for a trainer/wrestler. There's a good way and a bad way to take things personally, so I decided to step the game up. In May, my body fat was around 25%, which is really high for me and proved that even though I was working out almost every day, I may have been slacking in a few areas. I also got really, really sick of having to go dry-heave or puke into a garbage can every single time I had a match because I'm too lazy to run during the week.

Soooooo, I quit drinking sugar (including with coffee, I only flavor it with a little milk now), only drink water otherwise, cut pizza and Chinese down to no more than once a month, upped ALL my lifting weights by at least 5lbs (doesn't sound like much, but going from chest-pressing 225lbs to 230lbs sure as hell FEELS like more than 5lbs, trust me; a few weights have gone up even more since then), quit making excuses to skip leg day (you HAVE to squat to be healthy, cats. Sorry, I hate 'em too), cut back a little on bad carbs (who needs bread when you got pasta and rice, anyways? Bread sucks), started eating more vegetables, and stepped up the cardio (just a little, I still hate it, but I'm getting there).

So, as of yesterday, my total body fat is down to about 15%, muscle mass 41%, and what really surprised me, my visceral fat went down almost by half, from 10 to 5%. That's important, because visceral fat is the fat you can't see, the fat inside that collects around your liver and other organs, and while it wasn't "bad" to begin with, cutting it in half in about two months is awesome, since visceral fat is mostly related to the "bad" stuff you put in your body, so I guess cutting sugary drinks made a bigger difference than I thought.

Still getting to where I want to be, but I already feel a lot better. Just wanted to share; good things can come quicker than you think if you really apply yourself. :)

[Netkeeper]

I swear to god it's like I can't have a ****ing good day without something going wrong

Why the **** can't I just have a ****ing good day? I was doing SO GREAT for a while. Now all of a sudden I can't stop seeing red and I can't stop hating myself and I want to go outside and scream and punch the brick walls that we don't have until my knuckles bleed

[TheBlueTurtle1]

Not to derail the conversation, but since this is also the physical health thread, I felt like sharing a little of my own recent progress. Long story short, a few months ago at a wrestling seminar, a few people took a few cheap shots at how I looked, particularly that I have a distinct lack of ab definition for a trainer/wrestler. There's a good way and a bad way to take things personally, so I decided to step the game up. In May, my body fat was around 25%, which is really high for me and proved that even though I was working out almost every day, I may have been slacking in a few areas. I also got really, really sick of having to go dry-heave or puke into a garbage can every single time I had a match because I'm too lazy to run during the week.

Soooooo, I quit drinking sugar (including with coffee, I only flavor it with a little milk now), only drink water otherwise, cut pizza and Chinese down to no more than once a month, upped ALL my lifting weights by at least 5lbs (doesn't sound like much, but going from chest-pressing 225lbs to 230lbs sure as hell FEELS like more than 5lbs, trust me; a few weights have gone up even more since then), quit making excuses to skip leg day (you HAVE to squat to be healthy, cats. Sorry, I hate 'em too), cut back a little on bad carbs (who needs bread when you got pasta and rice, anyways? Bread sucks), started eating more vegetables, and stepped up the cardio (just a little, I still hate it, but I'm getting there).

So, as of yesterday, my total body fat is down to about 15%, muscle mass 41%, and what really surprised me, my visceral fat went down almost by half, from 10 to 5%. That's important, because visceral fat is the fat you can't see, the fat inside that collects around your liver and other organs, and while it wasn't "bad" to begin with, cutting it in half in about two months is awesome, since visceral fat is mostly related to the "bad" stuff you put in your body, so I guess cutting sugary drinks made a bigger difference than I thought.

Still getting to where I want to be, but I already feel a lot better. Just wanted to share; good things can come quicker than you think if you really apply yourself. :)


Good on you man, added sugar is the biggest NO NO, if you wanna stay in shape.;)

[Mayhem]

That's some good progress there Leo, keep it up :)

[ssjup81]

Sorry to hear that dude. Do you have any support systems, since you're living overseas?Not really. I just keep it to myself, but I know it's getting worse at times. My apartment is suffering for it. It's a mess because of my "I don't care attitude". I can't even be a good hostess and invite people over.

I also go into an antisocial mode where I don't want to deal with people at all. Right now, since I have a week off from work for the Obon holiday, and am traveling around Japan with a friend, I'm getting into I want to be alone mode and don't want to do anything.

I'm in Kyoto now. I'm enjoying it ok but still feeling empty and apathetic over everything. Have you ever tried any herbal remedies, like St John's Wort, SamE or Ginkgo Balboa or anything like that? I never had any luck with them, but some people have found natural remedies to be helpful in managing their depression, and with fewer side effects than prescription antidepressants.No I haven't and wouldn't know where to even look.

[pennydreadful]

Glad that you're getting results from the new training, Leo. I find that sugar packs on the most weight for me as well; it's crazy.

Net... hope you're doing ok, little buddy. My anxiety's been cropping up a little of late myself - if you don't have anyone around you can talk to, the best thing you can do is just try to distract yourself. It doesn't always work, but even taking five percent of your brain's focus away from feeling awful can help. I also find that doing some body pampering can help as well - like having a bubble bath or putting on a face mask. Times like these, you have to take really good care of yourself. Be kind to yourself, even if that little voice in your head makes you feel like you don't deserve it.

ssjup - damn, that's not good. The apathy is never a good sign, so I'd be lying if I didn't say I was worried. You might be able to access some of the herbal remedies through health food stores. In the meantime, the only thing I can suggest is just to try to eat healthy, try to get a little sun and exercise if possible and stay away from alcohol, as it is a depressant and will probably make things worse (believe me, I know the urge to reach for it just to block things out is really tempting, but in the long run it's not a good idea). If you find that things are getting worse - please go to the doctor. Even if it's too far and too exxy to get there regularly, they might be able to suggest some resources for you that are closer to your area.

[Davetello]

I cried a couple of months ago when I realized I hurt someone I care about and respect. Two months before that, I cried for ten consecutive days because I thought I'd never see this person again.

Sorry to hear that mate - life sure can be tough.

I hope everyone who's posted here is feeling like they're doing okay at the moment. Life can be a hell of a struggle, that is for sure.

[Storm Eagle]

Sorry to hear that mate - life sure can be tough.

I hope everyone who's posted here is feeling like they're doing okay at the moment. Life can be a hell of a struggle, that is for sure.

I've been feeling better since, but thanks.

This is someone I know professionally. She's an instructor for an agency that helps mostly high-functioning autistics get jobs, and she worked with my group as an instructor for a number of weeks. Once we started working at the place we work at now, she'd come by every now and then for chat sessions to see how we're getting on with the job. After my second chat, I realized I probably wouldn't bee seeing her around as much anymore, and that's what made me sad.

In our third chat, I realized I brought things up that might not have been appropriate, even though I no harm was meant. She even e-mailed me about this once, and I apologized, and told her I wanted to discuss what I might have done wrong the next time she shows up. We did, and she explained what I said wrong, and why it was wrong. Even though she had long since put it behind her, it still hurt me to know that I hurt her. I felt closure from finally getting to hash it out with her, but I still felt as though I couldn't apologize enough. I was sad enough to cry later on that day, and even the morning after, I had a bit of trouble getting out of bed, and getting ready for work was basically a struggle too. I cried at work, but quickly stopped myself because I don't like crying in public. It turns out that she showed up that day too. When I saw her, I thanked her for giving me a chance to hash things out with her. I also told her that I felt better. That wasn't entirely true though, since I only felt better for the closure, but still was shaken about my offense. Getting to see her and talk to her that day actually made me feel even better, but I still wasn't at 100%. She'd show up at my job a few more times, and even though I didn't chat with her, I'd feel tense just exchanging words with her. It sucks, because she's more the victim than I am, and she has forgiven me. So you'd think that would be good enough for me too. Her forgiveness does speed up the recovery process, but the guilt still lingers, and it probably will for a long time to come. So I'd just have to cope with it, and I am. As a matter of fact, I started seeing a therapist some weeks ago, and I've been discussing this with the therapist. Talking with her helped me understand just why all of this affects me so greatly.

The instructor hasn't come around my job in so long, but I actually haven't been so saddened by it lately. To think I'd cry for ten days straight about the idea of never seeing her again. See, she made the training stint enjoyable, and she related to us rather well. She allowed us to chat with her at times and it was good of her to do so, and I always knew I wanted to be respectful about it. When the training stint would end, I didn't think I'd see her again, and I knew I'd miss her. Then near the end of it, she decided she'd come around the job once we started working to check on us, and chat. She's one of the best people a person could ever meet, and future groups will be fortunate to have her working with them. I even told her that too.

[pennydreadful]

Sorry to hear you're going through that, Storm Eagle. I can't think of much to say except that I get that dealing with people and interpersonal relationships can be tough, and I totally empathize.

[Leo656]

I hear that. That's rough. It's partly why, even though I'm constantly surrounded by people, I do my best to avoid them. Every friend or relative I've ever had eventually had more than enough of me, for one reason or another, so now I try and keep everyone at arm's length. It's gotten to the point where I have a hard time looking people in the eye, because then we're "connected" and I have to think of them as a "person" instead of a customer, a client, a fan, a co-worker, etc. And since "people" always leave me eventually, I try not to let "people" get too close so that it won't hurt when they eventually do leave.

I don't mind being alone, really, it just hurts a little that nobody ever "really" liked me or wanted me around. I actually prefer being by myself, so loneliness isn't an issue at all, I have more than enough to keep me busy and I actually don't like sharing my time with people... it's just that feeling, y'know? That certainty, that "nobody wants you around" feeling, knowing for a fact it isn't some insecurity, it's the truth, that even if you wanted to go hang out with someone, they wouldn't want to, that if you did want to call someone just to talk, they wouldn't answer.

It's why I pretty much only care about work and making money, and long ago stopped reaching out to people. It just got too awkward. Those phone calls, like, "Hey man..." "Oh, uh, hey, what's up?" "Nothing... well... actually it's my Birthday..." "Really? Oh, uh... Happy Birthday, I... uh... well I mean, it's just been a while, and..." "Yeah, I know. It's fine." "Listen, I'm kinda busy, but... well, I mean, I can't do anything today, but..." "That's alright." "Dude, call me this weekend, I promise we'll get together. "Alright. Catch you later." They never, ever answer when I call back. At some point, you just take the hint and stop bothering people. :ohwell:

Sorry, just been in one of those moods lately.

[Electric]

I've seen on this thread that a few others suffer from an anxiety disorder.

My anxiety has recently gotten a lot worse, and I can't explain why. I'm constantly worrying and panic easily. I'm so irritable that the littlest of things set me off and I get so distressed about them. I've had a constant headache for about a week now, and just a day ago I'm pretty sure I had an anxiety attack from sitting there worrying. I suddenly felt very weak, felt like breathing was so difficult and my chest started hurting. It only lasted about 5-10 minutes but it was unbearable.

Has anyone had this before,?

And also, is there anything that helps you relieve some anxiety? Because it's getting to the point where it's taking over everything I do. The majority of my thoughts have become irrational worrying, which I know, but I can't stop. I haven't even been able to sleep well lately, which only stresses me out worse, and I think it's all because of anxiety

[Netkeeper]

I used to suffer from anxiety. It was horrible, and I've experienced the exact thing you've described [though with me, digestive system problems were much more common than headaches]. My anxiety was like a monster that was always there, threatening to make things worse or to take away what little good I had in my life.

Honestly, I'm not sure what to suggest. What worked for me was a complete change of environment. Not even medication helped mine, but as soon as my family moved, I was completely cured and I haven't had a panic attack since. Obviously, this is not an option for hardly anyone and I certainly wouldn't suggest it to most people. I don't think anybody expected my panic attacks to stop once we moved, it just ended up happening.

I think it also depends on what the root cause is [or one of the root causes as the case may be] of the anxiety. The biggest fear you have. It's not easy to identify because with anxiety, it seems like EVERYTHING is the biggest fear you have, but in my experience, many things I was scared of were ultimately tied to one huge problem [which was, you guessed it, my environment, both physical and online].

But this is all assuming your anxiety is the type that happens because there's something in your life that caused it. I think some people develop anxiety young, and it just carries over all the time, but I don't know enough about it to know for sure. All I can really say are my own experiences with it, which was only two years worth. But it's better than nothing, I think?

Medication might work to make it more manageable, though, if you haven't tried it. It didn't work for me, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't work for someone else.

[Davetello]

I've seen on this thread that a few others suffer from an anxiety disorder.

My anxiety has recently gotten a lot worse, and I can't explain why. I'm constantly worrying and panic easily. I'm so irritable that the littlest of things set me off and I get so distressed about them. I've had a constant headache for about a week now, and just a day ago I'm pretty sure I had an anxiety attack from sitting there worrying. I suddenly felt very weak, felt like breathing was so difficult and my chest started hurting. It only lasted about 5-10 minutes but it was unbearable.

Has anyone had this before,?

And also, is there anything that helps you relieve some anxiety? Because it's getting to the point where it's taking over everything I do. The majority of my thoughts have become irrational worrying, which I know, but I can't stop. I haven't even been able to sleep well lately, which only stresses me out worse, and I think it's all because of anxiety


Hi mate,

I suffer from panic attacks sometimes, yes. I get anxious and feel like I am dying, but diazepam normally calms me down. As occasional use in an emergency I highly recommend you ask your doctor to prescribe you some.

I haven't mentioned this here, but over the last year I have developed a fear of choking. As such I haven't really been eating as much as usual, and have dropped a lot of weight. I tend to stay with stuff like mashed potatoes, soups, mousses, milk etc - mostly soft stuff. I'd love to go back to eating chicken but I am paranoid about bones etc - even in breast of chicken, that is how irrational I am at times. I'm getting better but it's a hard slog. I had the same thing back in 2006 but I got over it for about 6 years.

Anxiety and panic attacks are absolutely brutal, but I'm here to let you know that ther eis light at the end of the tunnel. Seriously, try and get some diazepam aka valium.

[Leo656]

Anxiety and panic attacks are absolutely brutal, but I'm here to let you know that ther eis light at the end of the tunnel. Seriously, try and get some diazepam aka valium.

At the very least, you'll be able to take out Sniper Wolf much, much easier.

[Davetello]

At the very least, you'll be able to take out Sniper Wolf much, much easier.

LMFAO. I had to google that - I have never really played the Metal Gear Solid series.

[Leo656]

It's also an extremely dated and obscure reference. That's kind of my gimmick. Good job doin' the work though. :)

[Netkeeper]

At the very least, you'll be able to take out Sniper Wolf much, much easier.
I ****ING SNORTED WITH LAUGHTER

IIRC it's even described as an anti-anxiety drug in the game omfg

[Davetello]

It's also an extremely dated and obscure reference. That's kind of my gimmick. Good job doin' the work though. :)

:lol:

Hey, if I can stay up to silly o'clock then thirty seconds of googling should be a breeze :)

[pennydreadful]

Sorry to hear you're dealing with anxiety, ElectricN - like you and Net, I've had the chest pain and I also tend to get nausea with mine. Heightened irritability is also common with anxiety.

There are a few things; like others have said, medication can help (though I know like I sound like the poster child for the pharmaceutical industry, it can help). Other people find more holistic approaches like aromatherapy to be helpful.

Another thing when you're panicking or getting anxious is to focus on your breathing - make sure you're taking deep, full breaths, then try holding them for a count of 7 and breathing out slowly. A lot of the time, when you're anxious your breathing changes without you really being aware of it.

If you're able to work out what it is that's making you feel anxious, try to challenge the thought (though I know it's not always that easy, especially as anxiety is so illogical).

The other thing I try to do when my anxiety plays up is just to keep distracted, even if I can't fully concentrate on what I'm doing, anything that takes some of my focus off how awful I feel can help.

[Storm Eagle]

Sorry to hear you're going through that, Storm Eagle. I can't think of much to say except that I get that dealing with people and interpersonal relationships can be tough, and I totally empathize.

Thanks. I talked about this to some of my friends, and one of them says to just try not to beat myself up over it, even though she understands that it's easier said than done. The instructor also told me she doesn't want me to beat myself up over it. There's just something about her though. She's a great person who deserves the best, and I've been feeling as though I pissed in a pure mountain spring or something.

There are other pretty bad things I've done in the past, and they don't affect me as much anymore. What I've been talking about seems to be the biggest one yet, but I still think that, like all the other things, I'll begin to feel less guilty about it in time. It'll just take longer. The guilt might remain, but the shock doesn't stick around forever. Anyway, I'd really like to overcome this. It would be a shame if I just couldn't talk to her anymore or be around her anymore after I've formed such a good rapport with her. So it's worth fighting.

I hear that. That's rough. It's partly why, even though I'm constantly surrounded by people, I do my best to avoid them. Every friend or relative I've ever had eventually had more than enough of me, for one reason or another, so now I try and keep everyone at arm's length. It's gotten to the point where I have a hard time looking people in the eye, because then we're "connected" and I have to think of them as a "person" instead of a customer, a client, a fan, a co-worker, etc. And since "people" always leave me eventually, I try not to let "people" get too close so that it won't hurt when they eventually do leave.

I don't mind being alone, really, it just hurts a little that nobody ever "really" liked me or wanted me around. I actually prefer being by myself, so loneliness isn't an issue at all, I have more than enough to keep me busy and I actually don't like sharing my time with people... it's just that feeling, y'know? That certainty, that "nobody wants you around" feeling, knowing for a fact it isn't some insecurity, it's the truth, that even if you wanted to go hang out with someone, they wouldn't want to, that if you did want to call someone just to talk, they wouldn't answer.

It's why I pretty much only care about work and making money, and long ago stopped reaching out to people. It just got too awkward. Those phone calls, like, "Hey man..." "Oh, uh, hey, what's up?" "Nothing... well... actually it's my Birthday..." "Really? Oh, uh... Happy Birthday, I... uh... well I mean, it's just been a while, and..." "Yeah, I know. It's fine." "Listen, I'm kinda busy, but... well, I mean, I can't do anything today, but..." "That's alright." "Dude, call me this weekend, I promise we'll get together. "Alright. Catch you later." They never, ever answer when I call back. At some point, you just take the hint and stop bothering people. :ohwell:

Sorry, just been in one of those moods lately.

I'm not really much of a people person either, but I don't think I could ever shun people for too long. I guess I've met enough good people in my life to keep me from being totally bitter against people in general.

About people having more than enough of you, I tend to think that way about others too. Like, maybe they're tired of having me around, or I'm overstaying my welcome. So the time to part ways is probably near. I think I think that way about women mostly, since they're different from men. I'd rather let them come to me, but unfortunately, that's usually not how it works with them. What's ironic about that, is how although they're the ones that would do most of the turning down, there have been times where I've had to do it.

[Electric]

Sorry to hear you're dealing with anxiety, ElectricN - like you and Net, I've had the chest pain and I also tend to get nausea with mine. Heightened irritability is also common with anxiety.

There are a few things; like others have said, medication can help (though I know like I sound like the poster child for the pharmaceutical industry, it can help). Other people find more holistic approaches like aromatherapy to be helpful.

Another thing when you're panicking or getting anxious is to focus on your breathing - make sure you're taking deep, full breaths, then try holding them for a count of 7 and breathing out slowly. A lot of the time, when you're anxious your breathing changes without you really being aware of it.

If you're able to work out what it is that's making you feel anxious, try to challenge the thought (though I know it's not always that easy, especially as anxiety is so illogical).

The other thing I try to do when my anxiety plays up is just to keep distracted, even if I can't fully concentrate on what I'm doing, anything that takes some of my focus off how awful I feel can help.

thanks, to everyone

im kinda terrified to go on medication for anxiety. cant say why, probably just my anxiety, or something like if im on medication then that means its definitely an issue and wont just go away on its own. but at this point i think i may need them.

ive read to focus on breathing, and i tried it, but it was just incredibly difficult the get air in and out that i feel like it could frustrating to the point of making my panicking worse.

and with the distraction thing, it definitely helps, giving my mind something else to occupy with other than worrying. but again, it always drifts back.

i just cant stand how everything i do im never truely enjoying, im mostly just worrying about all this irrational things, and now i find a way to become anxious at almost anything

[pennydreadful]

I totally understand not wanting to go on medication - lord knows I was strongly opposed to the idea for many years. I think the thing to remember is - if you try it and you don't like it, you can always stop taking them. Worst-case scenario, you're no worse off - best case scenario, you feel better.

And there isn't any shame in taking them (believe me, I thought the exact same thing). It's no different than taking a course of antibiotics to get rid of an infection, or a diabetic needing insulin. It's not like you chose to have anxiety. Nobody chooses to be sick. And a lot of people do have the same illness - so it's not a reflection on you or your worth as a person.

Have you noticed whether there are any particular things, circumstances or people who trigger your anxiety, or is it a general state of anxiousness? It's ok to not have a reason for being anxious btw, plenty of people do - I've just found that with my own anxiety, the generalized state does get triggered by specific things (I'm not always very good at recognizing/admitting when I'm upset over something else... I prefer to try to block out negative feelings so I don't have to process them, because hey, it's natural to want to avoid pain whether it's physical or emotional - so I'll find that if I get anxious over one thing, it leaks into everything. And sometimes it'll take me a few days to figure out what I'm actually upset about.)

I wish I could think of something more helpful to say - the only thing I can come up with is that you're not alone. Having anxiety doesn't mean you're a failure or any of the other rotten things your brain's probably telling you.

[Netkeeper]

im kinda terrified to go on medication for anxiety. cant say why, probably just my anxiety, or something like if im on medication then that means its definitely an issue and wont just go away on its own. but at this point i think i may need them.
Anxiety is an issue, but that doesn't mean it won't go away. The medication is to help make it more manageable, but you will probably have to do something along with it [like therapy].

But it's okay to do that, you are not broken.

[Icebot]

Right now, my mental health is extremely poor.

[pennydreadful]

Sorry to hear that Icebot - make sure you try to take time out to look after yourself, ok? I'm a big fan of what I call "mental health days" - where you just have a whole day to do nice stuff for you. For me, that entails not talking to anyone, watching some sort of trashy tv show (like Tabatha Takes Over, or Tattoo Rescue or America's Next Top Model), and doing my nails, giving myself a facial and just taking a break from the world in general.

[Slade]

I'll put this here, since it seems like a good place to do so.

So, my sister thinks something is wrong with me. Hell, a few others I know do too. Basically, I don't seem to show much emotion about anything. Don't get me wrong, I can get pissed the f**k off and act beligerent (:P), but mostly I'm just whatever about everything. What got me thinking about this was the fact that my sister asked me was I excited that I'm having my second child. I just shrugged and said whatever. She looks at me and then says, "Why do you do that? You just don't get excited about anything." By the way, not my real sister, but might as well be. I only see her on Sundays. Not the point though. Anyway, that got me thinking about what my old boss told me once. I'm evil. Haha. Reason being, they where talking about me. I don't like people. Hell, half the time, I don't like anything. The topic was brought up about how I don't love my parents. She asked me, do I love my son. My answer? I said he's cool. I mean, I don't want anything to happen to him. I want the best for him, and to do right by him, but I don't feel anything inside like people always talk about.


I don't even know if I'm making a point anymore.

[ssjup81]

Sorry to hear that Icebot - make sure you try to take time out to look after yourself, ok? I'm a big fan of what I call "mental health days" - where you just have a whole day to do nice stuff for you. For me, that entails not talking to anyone, watching some sort of trashy tv show (like Tabatha Takes Over, or Tattoo Rescue or America's Next Top Model), and doing my nails, giving myself a facial and just taking a break from the world in general.I agree, this is a good idea. I usually fake sick when in those moods. At my last job, though, I had to do that a lot.

[pennydreadful]

I don't think you're evil, Raph. Some personalities are more emotionally detached, to be sure - but you don't strike me as the type of person who takes joy in hurting people (just based on my online impressions of you).

The potential that you have some sociopathic/psychopathic traits is there, however chances are equally good that you could have an antisocial personality type of disorder, or affectless schizoid disorder... it could be a lot of things, and that's something you'd need to spend some time figuring out (if you were inclined to do so).

That being said, even if you were diagnosed as sociopathic, that doesn't in and of itself make you a bad person. People don't have control over their brain chemistry or personality type. It all comes down to what you do with your life and how you treat others - that's what makes you a good or bad person in my book. It's perfectly possible to be a high-functioning, non-criminal sociopath. We don't have control over the cards we're dealt, but you do have a choice in the hand you play with those cards, is what I'm saying.

I agree, this is a good idea. I usually fake sick when in those moods. At my last job, though, I had to do that a lot.

I'm lucky enough that I have a buttload of holidays stored up (due to my "If I do not work and contribute to society, I am a terrible person" quirk) - however in this instance it's come in useful as I am planning on taking some down-time over the coming months, which I'm quite looking forward to.

[Slade]

Yeah, I get'cha. I've actually accepted it. Idk. Preciate you taking the time to read all that and give some thoughts on it. I could look more into it, but ehh...whatever...there I go again. :lol:

[Icebot]

Sorry to hear that Icebot - make sure you try to take time out to look after yourself, ok? I'm a big fan of what I call "mental health days" - where you just have a whole day to do nice stuff for you. For me, that entails not talking to anyone, watching some sort of trashy tv show (like Tabatha Takes Over, or Tattoo Rescue or America's Next Top Model), and doing my nails, giving myself a facial and just taking a break from the world in general.

I agree, this is a good idea. I usually fake sick when in those moods. At my last job, though, I had to do that a lot.

Thanks. I want to take time off as soon as possible. I was also thinking of taking time off from work without pay if I run out of vacation time. Does anyone think that's a good idea?

I have a meeting at work coming up in 2 weeks. I really really hope it's not about new tedious and confusing rules and that my whole department isn't doing good enough. That's the last thing I need and it could really hurt my mental health big time. If that happens, I'm really thinking about quitting my job.

[Davetello]

Thanks. I want to take time off as soon as possible. I was also thinking of taking time off from work without pay if I run out of vacation time. Does anyone think that's a good idea?

I have a meeting at work coming up in 2 weeks. I really really hope it's not about new tedious and confusing rules and that my whole department isn't doing good enough. That's the last thing I need and it could really hurt my mental health big time. If that happens, I'm really thinking about quitting my job.

Your health is far more important than any career, so I'd say that you should definitely quit your job if the pressure becomes overwhelming. At the very least I agree that you should take some time off without pay, assuming you can still cope financially.

Keep us updated on your progress man - everyone is here to help and offer support.

[pennydreadful]

Agreeing with Davetello here - if it's feasible for you to take time off without pay, and it won't put you in a bad situation moneywise, I'd take the time out to get treatment.

I speak from experience here - if you keep pushing when you're falling apart mentally, your work performance will suffer and you'll just end up having to deal with more stress at work as a result of that.

Take some time out if you can, and get things right with you - whatever that takes.

[Icebot]

Thanks! I will take time off! I'm planning to take at least 1 four-day weekend per month.

[pennydreadful]

Well I'll be working three-day weeks through October, because my depression and anxiety are acting up - like some malevolent hydra, they've arisen from the sea of my brain to sink their fangs directly into my butt. It's not fun at all.

I have to figure out how to battle them... but I forgot where I put my magic sword and shield.

[Whatswiththeheadbands?]

I'll put this here, since it seems like a good place to do so.

So, my sister thinks something is wrong with me. Hell, a few others I know do too. Basically, I don't seem to show much emotion about anything. Don't get me wrong, I can get pissed the f**k off and act beligerent (:P), but mostly I'm just whatever about everything. What got me thinking about this was the fact that my sister asked me was I excited that I'm having my second child. I just shrugged and said whatever. She looks at me and then says, "Why do you do that? You just don't get excited about anything." By the way, not my real sister, but might as well be. I only see her on Sundays. Not the point though. Anyway, that got me thinking about what my old boss told me once. I'm evil. Haha. Reason being, they where talking about me. I don't like people. Hell, half the time, I don't like anything. The topic was brought up about how I don't love my parents. She asked me, do I love my son. My answer? I said he's cool. I mean, I don't want anything to happen to him. I want the best for him, and to do right by him, but I don't feel anything inside like people always talk about.


I don't even know if I'm making a point anymore.

I'm actually kinda like this in many ways. The only emotion I pretty much emphasise massivly is anger. I don't get excited very easily, or happy, or even sadness, but I can get angry very quickly and easily, but not as easy as I used to be able to.

[Icebot]

My mental health is extremely poor right now. I'm so glad I have a four day weekend next week.

[Davetello]

My mental health is extremely poor right now. I'm so glad I have a four day weekend next week.

Sorry to hear that man, I can relate. This is the thread for support, and feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to.

[Netkeeper]

My inbox is also open. I have no problem being there for someone to vent to at any time -- my own mental health's stabilizing to an extent, since I've found that I can distract from the self-loathing by drawing.

...So I've been drawing at least six or more times a day if I'm not writing a script.

[Davetello]

Happy to hear you've been felling better, Netkeeper.

[Icebot]

Thanks everyone.

[tmntpower1988]

I've had mental health issues for a couple of years. Have OCD, Anxiety, Agoraphobia and Depression. Also have some physical problems too Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Asthma and Restless Leg Syndrome. My dad and two of my brothers have mental health problems too. I only leave the house if I really have to for a doctor's appointment etc. Just the thought of being outside in the open spaces scares me and I can never stop thinking my mind constantly has racing thoughts.

I used to be bullied a lot when I was younger because of my weight and I was always quiet, never stood up for myself. The bullies used to also say stuff like I'm useless, ugly etc. I ended up turning to alcohol and drugs to try and cope with the stress but that just made my mental state worse in the long run. There was one stage where I was drinking every day, I was in a bad way throwing up blood, getting bad shakes and was suicidal. I finally managed to get off that stuff thanks to my family, the psychiatrists etc. I'm on medication now which helps me cope a bit better.

[RaphaelinSTL]

I've been in a rut for what seems like over a year as far as my physical health has gone. Of course, I'm the one that did this to myself. Last May, I got my first real job after graduating college in 2012. It took me a year to find a job in my marketing and advertising field after getting my degree, but I was finally glad to get out of working in retail. Don't get me wrong, I loved working at this retail job (I was there 7 years) but it was time to get my real job. To be blunt, I hated it there and found myself getting super depressed having to go back in there every day. I didn't want to lose this job as it took me a bit to find this one, but my boss was such an asshole and the job made me have panic attacks every other day. I have trouble with anxiety and this job just made me a worried mess.

It was around this time that I started not working out and doing my cardio as regularly. In 2009 to 2010, I gained a lot of weight after being super depressed about the ending of a very serious relationship. I let myself get to myself and found myself in a huge rut. I went out and bought an elliptical machine and all of 2011 was dedicated to better myself and my health. I was happier for the most part and felt great. Sure, not every day was perfect...but I didn't feel as out of shape as I once did. Now fast forward to the fall of 2013 and this job just wore me out all the time. My retail job was in the back room, so I was constantly on my feet...lifting things...climbing ladders...I was incredibly active at what I did and I did a good job at it. Now at this new job (I was a marketing director for a real estate investment company...it was as bad as it sounded) I was sitting for 7-8 hours a day and would worry myself into a panic every other day or at least twice a week. All I wanted to do was sleep when I got back.

I totally lost my motivation for exercise, but then I eventually found another job in November of last year. I am still employed there and like it very much, but I still find myself lacking motivation to work out and be healthy. I have gained a fair amount of weight again since last fall and am up to 220 pounds. I hate myself for this and I want to get better, but I find that I'm using food as an excuse to make myself happy. I'm not content or happy until I stuff my face with crap, but then when I do...I feel like ****. Then if I don't eat the crap, I'm agitated and cranky.

I'll eventually figure it out, I did three years ago and I'm sure I'll be able to do so again....but right now is a real rut time for me. I just need to find that motivation again.

[BubblyShell22]

Sounds like my mom, too. She had to go on a diet because of her weight, and she was doing good for the most part, but every time my sister would call and start her sh*t, she'd get back into the bad habits even though I kept telling her not to and to not let my sis control her. It got to the point where certain foods were giving her the runs and I'd tell her to stop eating them, but she wouldn't listen. Well, now she has, and she's gotten so much better. She still snacks occasionally, but she's not nearly as bad as she was. And since my sis hasn't called anymore (and I really hope she doesn't) things have been better. But I can understand feeling so upset and wanting to wash it all away by eating stuff even if it isn't healthy.

Roman, I get where you're coming from on certain aspects. I do get excited about things, but there are times where I just don't care anymore such as during holidays. They're just days to me. I don't think it's a sign that you hate anyone or even your son, but you just have a hard time expressing your love for him even though it's obvious you do love him dearly. I hate people, too, and that's why I want a work at home job where I don't have to go out and deal with all the horrible human beings that are in the world. Sure, I'll still have to talk to people, but at least I'll be at home and I can escape to my room if it gets too bad after my shift is over whereas I wouldn't be able to do that at a regular job where the shift would be much longer. I'm just not a people person and prefer to be alone most of the time. That's just the way I am. I'm in a relationship, but I love being by myself the most and having my space. I do love the guy, but if we were to break up today or tomorrow, I wouldn't care anyway because I'm just that type of person who likes to be alone. I don't want to get married or have kids, so if it doesn't work out, I don't see the point in going for another relationship anyway. I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than to try again when I don't want what everyone else wants. I know this may make me sound horrible, but I'm just being honest here.

And, Leo, your wife sounds like my sis. She doesn't like to listen either and constantly defends the jerk she's with. It's so aggravating.

Also wanted to add that sometimes I get in a mood where I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I haven't had it a lot lately, but when I do, I just pretty much want to be left alone and not be bothered.

[pennydreadful]

Hey folks - just thought I'd touch base and let y'all know I'm still alive! Going through a bit of a rough patch with the depression, so I haven't been logging in at all lately... I'm feeling ok today so thought I'd let everyone know I haven't dropped off the face of the earth - just haven't felt up to talking to anyone of late.

I'm almost totally weaned off my last medication and am about two weeks into trying my new one - will probably be another month or so til I know if it's helping; if not, I have to wean off and then try another one and see if it works (as antidepressants often take 6 - 8 weeks to fully work, this process can be very frustrating and it can be really hard to keep going when you don't know if it's even going to work). It's awful when you just want to stop feeling this way - and for me, those are the times when alcohol (and binge-eating, cuz I'm one of those people that eats their feelings when they're down) start looking really tempting, because at least then I can block out the misery and the bad memories and bad thoughts for a while. I'm staying strong though, cuz I know long-term that kind of thing isn't going to help me.

In the meantime, I'm exercising every day and eating healthily - my weight's gone up a little over the winter so I'm doing what I can to try to feel better about myself - though lately I just don't like anything about me, but I know most of that is the depression talking.

I think the worst part about being back in the dark zone is knowing that when my depression's in the drivers' seat, I don't think logically - it's like looking at everything through beer goggles, except they're beer goggles that make everything look and sound completely negative, even when it isn't. It's like walking through one of those funhouse mazes filled with those mirrors that twist everything, and I get so angry that I have a mental illness, that I'm going through a relapse when I've been trying so hard and doing so well for a while, that I don't deserve this, that other people are able to just be effortlessly happy - just feeling really angry at the world.

Based on that, it's hard to trust your own thoughts, and I've really had to rely on my partner and my doctor to just tell me what I need to do treatment-wise... which is hard, because when I don't have control of my depression, I tend to want to super-control everything else in my life just so I don't feel so helpless.

I think probably the best analogy for depression is The Swamps of Sadness and The Nothing in The Neverending Story. First you feel sad and hopeless, and then bit by bit, The Nothing starts eating you up, just this big dark void that consumes everything until there's nothing left.

Hmm, anyway, this has turned into a bit of word-vomit here... anyway, just thought I'd share how I'm feeling and where I'm at. Right now I'm just taking things one day at a time, so my posting may be a little sporadic for a while. For those of you who are also going through a tough time, I hope you make it through ok. Remember to try not to be too hard on yourselves.

[BubblyShell22]

Well, glad you're alive, Penny, though I can understand where you're coming from and how you want control over these dark and sad feelings. Just hang in there and do what you can. You know we're here for you if you need us.

[Leo656]

Thanks for checking in, penny, I figured you were going through a patch when I didn't see you on for a while. One day at a time. Good on you for keeping up with staying active, it can be tough when you're not feeling it. Technically, I have it easy because I'm literally in the gym every day for hours, but between actual work and problems at home that pop up sometimes, it can be tough. Like Raphael_STN said, sometimes you just wanna say "screw it" and head home, just grab some garbage food and worry about stuff until things all of a sudden feel different.

Personally, I've developed a very symbiotic relationship with a lot of my clients, where seeing them work hard makes me work even harder. I'm at my very best when I have lots of clients and they're all coming in every day doing the work. It gets tough sometimes, time-wise, but there's plenty of days where I come in kind of knowing I'm gonna put certain things off until tomorrow, but instead, I'll get a whole new inspiration, like maybe my one client who's in her 80s will talk about how her back hurt and her hips were stiff when she woke up, but she made herself come in to the gym because she knew she'd be anxious over it if she didn't... it kind of makes me wanna throw my excuses in the garbage, like, if these people are making the effort, the least I can do is do the same, some of their obstacles are way, way bigger than mine and I'm supposed to be leading the way for them.

Raph, most of my clients have the exact same issues you're having right now. I really wish I could take you on, because that's pretty much 90% of my client base. It's just a reality of the world we live in now, as far as too many people have no choice but to make a living sitting on their ass, and after all that "nothing" the last thing we want to do at the end of a long day is, "anything". The biggest thing I can tell you is: It's just an hour outta your day, bro. We all get into those ruts, and it's like, "Yeah, tomorrow, I know exactly what I have to do, I'll start tomorrow, or maybe next week, yeah, I'll start fresh on Monday." We all do it; I confess, I skip leg day about 50% of the time, and I often skip cardio, too. If all I had to do to get into "great" shape was lift weights all day, oh, how I would. I'd rather try and lift 300lbs than run a single mile, but that's mostly my own fault. I'm only in "pretty good" shape because I'm just as prone to talking myself out of things as everyone else is. But I'm working on it.

Meanwhile, you gotta just do it, find any hour of any day and just do it. There's 24-hour gyms all over the place, nowadays. I just got home from working with a dude who works a couple hours away, and once a week we meet up around 8-9pm and it's his last tough thing he has to do before he goes home to his wife and kids to relax a little before doing it all again the next day. Sometimes, it's a real drag, and I get that. He'll yawn and be like, "End of a long day," but he's still pushing it. We did really great today, actually. It's not the ideal situation; I'm fully aware that nobody wants to be doing this sh*t pretty much anytime after 8. But the fact is, you can undo that 8 hours of sitting with one solid hour of hard work, and not much more than that, but you just gotta find that hour and do it, even if it's an hour that just sucks. Once you make it routine, the hard part is over, and the progress you make will be its own reward. I'm amazed sometimes who I see coming in at like, 11 or 12 (or 2 or 3, even); I'm like, "Man, late night, huh?" and they'll be all, "Well, gotta get it in," and in the back of my mind, I'm like, "Damn, that's crazy commitment." They don't kill themselves, either, they do about as much as anyone else, just at the weird-ass times which are the only way to make it work for themselves.

Finding that hour can be a beast, but you gotta do it. I got faith in you, bro. Feel free to hit me up for any general info or whatever. Get 'er done, buddy.

Meanwhile, I been doing okay, my gym days are all scrambled because of an influx of client appointments so I been hitting things on weird days (and missed legs a couple times - I know, I know, my knee still kinda hurts). But I upped my incline chest press to 235 yesterday, which is a personal best for sets of 5. So that's pretty good.

[pennydreadful]

Thanks for the support guys - and yeah, if I'm ever not on for a while, know that I'm still thinking of y'all and miss shooting the breeze with everybody; social interaction's just really hard when you're feeling like crap and I don't want to spray my self-pitying BS and negativity all over the forums. There's nothing more undignified than a public meltdown. :lol:

[BubblyShell22]

I can understand that, Penny, but sometimes it is good to vent and let it out, and this place is the best place to do that. So if you ever feel like doing it, go for it.

And good for you, Leo. Yep, sometimes you just gotta get motivated to do something, and it looks like you're committed to what you're doing which is good.

[Icebot]

Sometimes I think I'm going through the same kind of pain Leonardo went through the first half of season 4 of the 4kids TMNT cartoon. I'm thinking about watching the episode called The Ancient One. That might help with my depression.

[Davetello]

Lol, not sure where to put this, but I told someone I've been awake for 31 hours and she asked me if I am taking speed or coke. Made me laugh since I've never done 'illegal' drugs, never smoked and rarely drink. I have taken prescription valium and medications though.

"Sometimes I think I'm going through the same kind of pain Leonardo went through the first half of season 4 of the 4kids TMNT cartoon. I'm thinking about watching the episode called The Ancient One. That might help with my depression."

Yes man. That's exactly what to do - relate your real-life problems to those of characters you care about. It's a comforting thing, I do it.

[BubblyShell22]

Oh, I felt that way in college, Icebot, which is why I can relate to Leo in that respect during that time. I think watching TMNT might help you feel better. It certainly helps me when I feel better.

[Icebot]

Yeah I'm thinking about watching The Ancient One everyday to help myself. I want to think that doing your best is always good enough and that episode proves it.

I do need help in defining "doing your best". I'm hoping it doesn't mean keep working hard even if you're exausted.

[Mauru]

I do not feel like doing anything anymore...

[Davetello]

I do not feel like doing anything anymore...

Sorry to hear that. I know the feeling.

I'm having a really bad day. It's one of those days where I feel and look tired and run down because the weight of the world is on my shoulders. It's one of those days where I feel like I will be messed up and trapped in this tiny town until I am 80. I just don't know where to go in life.

I also have this problem where bad things which happened to me in the past are constantly troubling me, and I just cna't seem to let them go. I've often wished someone would erase my memory.

Then there's the fact that a neighbour put up blackout blinds for me in my bedroom last night. I go to open them earlier to let some light in and they won't go up for some reason, only down. I'm sure we will fix it but this is the sort of thing which is a minor annoyance to some people, but it really gets to me because every little thing that goes wrong in my life feels like fate is playing some sort of twisted game with me.

Tl, dr? I'm way too highly-strung and can't chill out.

[pennydreadful]

Hey Dave - sorry to hear stuff's not going so great for you. It's easy to get overwhelmed by the small stuff and feel like nothing's ever going to go right.

For everyone in here who's doing it tough right now - I can't really think of anything useful to say except to try to do something nice for yourself or to take your mind off things. Don't think too much about the future or the past if you can help it - just focus on getting through the next hour. And when you get through that one, try to make it through another one.

[tmntpower1988]

I hate anxiety so f****** much! Getting sick of having it every day. I get anxious over the most stupid little things that aren't even worth panicking about. Hate my stupid body.

[BubblyShell22]

Well, try your best to stay calm, tmntpower. That's all you can do. I hear you about the every little thing not going right, Dave. I get that way too.

[blindturtle02]

Same here. The Ancient One always calms me down when I get stressed, and boy, times have been a wee bit too stressful around here lately. All to do with being given the run around where school stuff is concerned. So gotta love TMNT, Simpsons, and MST3K. All of this stuff, plus my better half and posting on this thing helps ease tension.

[Davetello]

Thanks guys. Feeling somewhat more positive tonight - I realise that I'm punishing myself way too much and it's really unnecessary - it's causing me unnecessary distress. I will try not to be so hard on myself and be somewhat more laid-back. Tonight I'm gonna pull an all-nighter I think and then get some sleep tomorrow night before playing soccer Thursday & Friday.

I've been thinking about pulling out of my course but it depends on how quickly I can sort out my mental health. My first assignment is due in three weeks so I need to do it quickly. I do know that a big part of the problem is that there's an imbalance in the serotonin levels in my brain, and that's the major thing which causes depression and anxiety. But I don't do myself any favours because I am so inconsistent with my medication. When I am on my meds I function better and feel better. That's some light at the end of the tunnel I guess - that things can get better if I take my pills. I've taken them once in the last few weeks.

When I'm on meds I'm a different person - yeah I am trouble by the same things but I can cope relatively well with them, and feel more at ease with people and don't take my frustrations out on them. But when I am depressed I turn into an angry slimeball. Depression is a very selfish disease - it turns some people into selfish individuals, sadly.

[BubblyShell22]

Glad to hear things are looking up, Dave. Just do your best and keep your chin up. That's all you can do.

[Davetello]

Glad to hear things are looking up, Dave. Just do your best and keep your chin up. That's all you can do.

Thanks. I am still struggling but, as you say, there's nothing else but to try and solider on.

I seem to be ultra cynical and suspicious. I know a lot of people are but I seem to have an incredible "glass is half empty" outlook (funnily enough literally as well because when I'm drinking something I always think to myself "I've already drunk about half of this"). It makes life difficult and I'd rather be of the opposite disposition, but I genuinely don't have the slightest clue about how to alter my mentality. I've tried and it's virtually impossible.

[pennydreadful]

Hey folks, still not doing great - if anyone needs me badly or just wants to shoot the breeze, y'all can PM me or just post on my wall. Right now, I just don't feel like I have much to contribute in the way of group conversation, and talking to people properly is taking a lot of effort so I'm not up to talking too much lately unless it's in a one-on-one setting. I'm still checking in every few days and reading everyone's posts in the forums, even if I only post a couple of times a week.

Thinking of y'all, and big hugs to everyone.

[Davetello]

Hope you feel better soon, Penny. I often wonder what would happen if lots of depressed people got together - it could be like an AA meeting with people supporting each other - they know what each other are going through.

But in other ways it could lead people to wallow in their own despair and lead to a habit of negative reinforcement i.e. people tell themselves something negative over and over again, and they end up believing it.

[Icebot]

I'm not doing well. I got clobbered with negativity today big time.

[BubblyShell22]

Yeah, Dave, I hear you on the "glass is half empty" stuff. I never get my hopes up about anything anymore.

Penny, sorry to hear you're feeling bad. Feel better. *hugs*

Icebot, that sucks. Hope you feel better soon. *hugs*

[Icebot]

Oh boy I just got bombarded with things I can't deal with.

I just did a project. I worked very hard on it. I was just about to finish it when someone just threw it away because that person has a problem with me being happy. That person was very strict and threw it away only because it made me happy. I am really really really really really really really upset about this. I wish that jerk would get the **** out of my life. I ain't forgiving this person anytime soon. Now I gotta do the project all over again. I just hope I don't get caught this time.

Also confusion about where to park at work.

I feel like a bad person and my mental health is really bad. I'm thinking about taking antidepressants and I hope I don't get caught by the guy who says I'm not allowed to be happy.

[Cure]

They seriously can't have thrown out your work only because it made you happy. What's the real reason?

[Icebot]

They seriously can't have thrown out your work only because it made you happy. What's the real reason?

That's exactly what happened. I swear.

[Netkeeper]

Stop accusing people of lying. Some people really are out to make others' lives a living hell.

[Cure]

Right, the world is out to get you guys. MY BAD, back to your pity party.

[Hannurdock]

When I feel like s*** I put the 2003 series on and watch an episode. It almost always has a positive effect; Fly Me To The Moon and other comedic episodes help bring back my sparkle.

If I'm having a real bad day, turtles are on TV for the majority of the time.

[BubblyShell22]

Right, the world is out to get you guys. MY BAD, back to your pity party.

He's not saying the world is out to get him, but there are people who relish in making others miserable because they don't want to see others happy when they themselves are unhappy.

And I usually watch TMNT or wrestling to feel better.

[blindturtle02]

He's not saying the world is out to get him, but there are people who relish in making others miserable because they don't want to see others happy when they themselves are unhappy.

And I usually watch TMNT or wrestling to feel better.

Hey, there's that OT episode called Planet of The Turtles which has wrestling turtles in it. That one is guaranteed to make ya feel good.

[BubblyShell22]

You mean Planet of the Turtletoids? Yeah, I remember that episode. Have it on the Cowabunga Classics DVD so I've watched it at least once. But just watching a wrestling DVD does make me feel better at times, so that's why I pop them in.

[Netkeeper]

Bumped this because I'm just having a terrible week. I've had so much go wrong this morning that when I woke up I just didn't want to wake up and my body feels worn down and emotionally paralysed. I feel like it's hopeless and that it will never get better and that I'm just going to remain this adult child that nobody can relate to and can't understand other people for the rest of my life. That trying to find help is useless because nobody is going to be able to figure out what my problem is anyway. That whatever disorder is going on up here will be impossible to diagnose because it's an unsolvable mystery and that's why I was never taken to a doctor as I grew up. Because there's no answer. I'll never know what it is and nobody will be able to tell me.

[Leo656]

Ya really want my advice? It's not particularly good advice, and I kinda don't know sh*t about sh*t, but I do know that life is generally pretty easy if you don't over-complicate things.

1. Keep the number of people in your life small. Nobody needs friends or family, they're parasites. If they're around, great, but trust me, when sh*t hits the fan, everybody's gonna be "too busy" or have their own sh*t going on. Nobody has your back and nobody ever will, don't ever think they'll come around 'cuz they won't. If they DO, that's the exception and not the rule. You don't NEED people to go to the movies with or bullsh*t at the bar with. All that's just time and money down the drain. They'll share some chuckles with ya, but they won't let you crash at their place if you're on the streets. Trust me. If you have 5 "Good People" in your life, that's plenty, and maybe one too many. If you're ever bored, start by weeding the losers out of your address book. People with blood relations are the best place to start.

2. Keep yourself busy. Everyone has problems; busy people have no time to dwell on them. And if you're busy as in working, then you're not just keeping your mind off your problems, you're bound to be fixing some of them, because there simply ain't no problems more money can't solve. Believe me, I'm not belittling you or your problems, but I've made it through sh*t that would put most people on their knees with a gun in their mouth, and I only did it because I had to get my ass up and go to work. Even sometimes to the detriment of my relationship with my wife, but to me, I put work before everything, because it's a fact of life, if you don't got a job, You Ain't Sh*t. No matter what other problems you have, if you even TRY talking to anyone, they're gonna tell you, "Well, if you were working more..." So that's a big one. And it's out there, people say the jobs aren't there but they are, you just have to eat sh*t sometimes, or take something you know is just part-time or temporary. I got a brother who's much older who ain't never really done sh*t, because he never took a job he thought he was "too good" for. So he sits on his ass a broke-ass 50-year old living with his Mom, because he never found a job he "liked". Fact: 1% of people end up with their Dream Job. The other 99%? Your "job" is Eating Sh*t. Life didn't go your way, so suck it up and do something else.

And it's only partly about money; people NEED to feel useful and productive. Even a part-time job that doesn't even pay sh*t but gives you something to do every day is PROVEN to improve people's confidence and self-esteem. I know you've said your work is spotty sometimes. Boy, I can relate. Just throw yourself into whatever it is you do, make it what you're good at and remind yourself you're doing good things. And if you're not at work, go to the gym or something, go to the park, start a long-ass RPG or something that you know is gonna take you 20 years to finish. If all you do is dwell on your problems, they'll never get solved. Going to work or just messing around with games won't directly fix anything, but it'll give you something else to focus on so you don't go crazy.

3. Related to #1, don't worry about other people so much. You've mentioned a lot of times that you're afraid of people and worried about what they think of you. I empathize, but I'll never understand it. I've never been afraid of anyone, and I've never cared what they think, or if they can relate to me or not, or anything like that, because I don't grade myself based on other people. And it's not like I'm some bad-ass or anything, it's just that people can sense insecurity and they see it as a weakness and insecure people go absolutely nowhere in life, because Other People don't let them. Man up a little bit. The absolute last thing anyone should ever be afraid of on this Earth is another human being, or what they think of you. People ain't sh*t.

Not knowing the specific nature of your life problems, that's as much advice as I can give. BUT, those are some general tips that have proven to work for absolutely anyone. Might not fix everything, but definitely get things moving in the right direction. There's no reason at all anyone can't at least hit those three little steps. Makes a whole lot of things better, believe me. The rest eventually takes care of itself.

[pennydreadful]

Sorry you're having a tough time, babe. You know you can always talk to me. Despite how it feels, you're not alone. You do have people who care, and I promise, there's nothing wrong that can't be fixed. My mum always says that everything in life is fixable.

[BubblyShell22]

Sorry to hear you're having problems, Net. Like Leo said, having something to do is always a good way to get rid of these feelings. I don't have a job right now, but I still try and do something to take my mind off things if I'm feeling down whether that's reading a book, watching TV, or even listening to music or hanging out with my mom. So if you can find something to do that'll take your mind off your depression, that'll be a good thing. Just hang in there and try to keep your chin up.

[Refractive Reflections]

1. Keep the number of people in your life small. Nobody needs friends or family, they're parasites. If they're around, great, but trust me, when sh*t hits the fan, everybody's gonna be "too busy" or have their own sh*t going on. Nobody has your back and nobody ever will, don't ever think they'll come around 'cuz they won't. If they DO, that's the exception and not the rule. You don't NEED people to go to the movies with or bullsh*t at the bar with. All that's just time and money down the drain. They'll share some chuckles with ya, but they won't let you crash at their place if you're on the streets. Trust me. If you have 5 "Good People" in your life, that's plenty, and maybe one too many. If you're ever bored, start by weeding the losers out of your address book. People with blood relations are the best place to start.

To add that thought about friends, I typically say that one's actual friends (or at least the potential to be actual friends) are not the people who attend the party you host, but they're the ones voluntarily helping to clean up the mess afterward when the party's excitement is long over.

[Rooish]

Right, the world is out to get you guys. MY BAD, back to your pity party.

Yeah no one said that. Go to hell you asshole.

[Davetello]

I just came home from playing football (on no sleep and not a lot of food, again). Guy was there who's only been a few times. Seems a nice guy - smiley, talkative etc. He asked me how old I was. I told him. He said I don't look near 32 and then started talking about how fit I am and how I'm able to run all day.

I'm sitting there thinking about the great dichotomy. Apparently I look like I'm in great physical condition, but every day I feel like a fvcking octogenarian on the inside. Sneezing fits, headaches, nausea, general tiredness. Yet this guy thinks I'm able to run about like some sort of athlete in his prime. He's right to an extent - I can play football for hours. It's a bizarre state of affairs, that's for sure. Wouldn't be surprised if I spontaneously combust. At least if I do it will stop me moaning like a knob in this topic.

[Leo656]

HAH! Ain't that the tits? I kinda know what you mean. People tell me I physically haven't aged a day since high school - that's what *mostly* clean-living will get ya - but between my respiratory condition, my neck problem, and the wear and tear on my joints from wrestling and other stuff, I definitely feel older than my years, most days. :lol:

Ah well. Least we're pretty.

[Davetello]

Suppose it's better than being done in outside and in. Still, that just doesn't compensate for physical ailments.

In all honesty, I think I like complaining. Almost as if I wouldn't be me if I wasn't being a negative, cynical, pessimistic misanthrope. But it doesn't make the problems any less real.

[BubblyShell22]

Yeah, I feel like I'm aging, too. I've noticed that my knees always start hurting when it's going to rain or snow, and I haven't had that before. Seem weird since I'm only in my early thirties, but there you go.

[Davetello]

Sorry to hear that Shell.

I know what you mean though. My limbs and joints always feel sore after football. Much more painful than five years ago. That's normal for an athletic person but surely not to this extent.

I guess the fact that I eat one meal a day or two max doesn't help either.

[BubblyShell22]

Yeah, it's just weird because I didn't have that last year at all. I know we're going to get snow though. I can feel it.

[Davetello]

At least you can stay inside for most of winter next to the fire/heater. That can be very cosy.

[BubblyShell22]

Very true. And sometimes my headaches are a good thing because I can predict the weather better than the dumb meteorologists who most of the time get it wrong anyway.

[Leo656]

You gotta eat, man. My forte is training and not nutrition, but I have had to study a bit of it, and yeah, man, that ain't healthy. Even a good chunk of your depression issues are likely being affected by the fact your body's internal systems are all screwed up from lack of nutrients.

I never get how people don't eat. If I had nothing at all to do otherwise, and was interested in feeling sh*tty all the time, I could easily be 300 lbs. :lol: Some people say they don't have time to eat but that's daffy. Gotta keep yourself alive and all that. :)

[Davetello]

Very true. And sometimes my headaches are a good thing because I can predict the weather better than the dumb meteorologists who most of the time get it wrong anyway.

Hahaha, weather predictions from 'experts'. Stealing a living, they are :)

You gotta eat, man. My forte is training and not nutrition, but I have had to study a bit of it, and yeah, man, that ain't healthy. Even a good chunk of your depression issues are likely being affected by the fact your body's internal systems are all screwed up from lack of nutrients.

I never get how people don't eat. If I had nothing at all to do otherwise, and was interested in feeling sh*tty all the time, I could easily be 300 lbs. :lol: Some people say they don't have time to eat but that's daffy. Gotta keep yourself alive and all that. :)

I want to eat. I have a fear of choking - irrational I know but I have it. It's been going on for about sixteen months now (not the first instance of this fear) and my stomach has shrank. As a result my appetite just isn't there any more. Even if it was I don't think I could face the ordeal of eating three or fours meals per day.

[BubblyShell22]

I always make sure to eat something during the day because I'm hungry otherwise. If I'm not super hungry (and it does happen sometimes) I tend to eat chips. There are times where my headaches will cause me to not have an appetite, and I hate that. I usually don't eat until I actually hear my stomach growl and then I know I'm hungry again.

[Leo656]

One way I can always, ALWAYS tell I'm getting sick is I have no appetite. I shovel down a metric f*ck-ton of food. Like, I stopped doing it, but for years, about once a week for dinner I would have a whole pound of spaghetti and about 25 of those little cocktail meatballs. And I'm a huge fan of four-egg omelettes with lots of cheese and peppers and mushrooms and ham and sausage and onions.

I can eat, is basically what I'm saying. :)

But when I'm sick or getting sick, I have zero appetite at all, but I still force myself to eat, even though swallowing is really hard and it takes me an hour to eat a burger. I know that if I don't, I can't get better, because my immune system isn't going to do sh*t when my body is sucking protein out of its muscles and organs just to survive. So I force myself. On the other hand, I always know I'm getting better when my appetite comes back and I start getting super-hungry.

[Davetello]

Great to hear you're able to persist, man. It's good to hear that you are strong that way.

I can eat with the best of them too, or at least I could. I went through a spell in my early twenties where I was eating about five burgers per day. I was drinking about 8 litres of water per day (very dangerous but nothing ever went wrong). I was also eating sh!t like sweets, yoghurts etc, and massive meals. I never gained weight back then. But I ate like a horse.

An annoying part is that I'd like to start using some dumb-bells again but I know I can't gain muscle without eating, so it's totally pointless, really.

[Leo656]

That's the thing with me, I stay the same weight because budget-wise, I can't afford as much food as I'd need to bulk up, even though I lift 4-5 days a week. People don't realize that you have to eat, and I mean like, a meal, not a snack but a full-ish meal, like every 2-3 hours to gain serious mass. Most people either can't afford that much food or simply can't choke that much down.

Still, you gotta stay tone and keep your joints strong and all that, so no reason not to. Anything's better than nothing.

[Davetello]

Suppose.

It does amuse me how clueless some people are, though. You get these people who eat nonsense foods yet work out for ages per day and wonder why they aren't seeing results :lol:

[snake]

I work out weekly, but Pizza is my weakness. Craptastic domino's pizza.

[ZariusTwo]

I work out weekly, but Pizza is my weakness. Craptastic domino's pizza.

I remember the day I broke it's hold on me...

...Not that KFC twice on weekends is any better

[snake]

I remember the day I broke it's hold on me...

...Not that KFC twice on weekends is any better

Pizza in general or Domino's?

[Leo656]

I remember the day I broke it's hold on me...

...Not that KFC twice on weekends is any better

How's your bout of complete and total renal failure treatin' ya? :lol:

Naaaah, jus' plaayin'... for real, though, you're probably like 80% salt and lard, now. You should stop that. :lol:

[BubblyShell22]

I just had McDonald's Chicken Nuggets today and some fries.

[Netkeeper]

So I'm experiencing something really odd...

I'd been joking around with people all day, having fun, playing around, doing a little roleplaying, the usual... everything was going swell. Family gathers to watch a really great movie tonight. We all talked about it after it was over and had a great time.

The second I come into my room I start jabbering at my friends all excited, still on that emotional-high kinda state. Except my friends weren't there. They were all online, but none of them were there. And all of a sudden my emotional state took a gigantic plummet that I really don't know how to explain or justify. I just suddenly feel... alone. Empty. Like as if everything that happened up until this point wasn't real.

What the ****? Why am I not allowed to feel joy? Why, and more importantly, how, did my emotions crash and burn all within the span of 15 minutes? And why does it feel like all the events of today that I'd recalled in the beginning of my post not feel real? I don't think I've experienced anything like this before and I'm so confused.

[snake]

So I'm experiencing something really odd...

I'd been joking around with people all day, having fun, playing around, doing a little roleplaying, the usual... everything was going swell. Family gathers to watch a really great movie tonight. We all talked about it after it was over and had a great time.

The second I come into my room I start jabbering at my friends all excited, still on that emotional-high kinda state. Except my friends weren't there. They were all online, but none of them were there. And all of a sudden my emotional state took a gigantic plummet that I really don't know how to explain or justify. I just suddenly feel... alone. Empty. Like as if everything that happened up until this point wasn't real.

What the ****? Why am I not allowed to feel joy? Why, and more importantly, how, did my emotions crash and burn all within the span of 15 minutes? And why does it feel like all the events of today that I'd recalled in the beginning of my post not feel real? I don't think I've experienced anything like this before and I'm so confused.

Take a break from the internet (Like I'm one to talk) and maybe take a walk or something.

[Leo656]

I kinda think maybe that's it, too. I mean, when you're happy in "real life", and then you go online and you're immediately miserable, something's clearly wrong.

Not trying to shoo you away or anything, you know I'm you're boy, but sometimes I get the feeling you kind of put too much stock in online relationships and stuff. Or that you just spend too much time online in general. Or maybe just spend too much time of it talking to the wrong people.

Just throwing it out there. I can't say more without knowing specifics, but it's still probably pretty close.

[Netkeeper]

The friends in question were ones I met back in school in Vegas. I don't live there any more, and my only means of talking to them is through Skype. We've been through a lot together and are very close.

[Davetello]

Sounds like bipolar.

[Netkeeper]

I suppose I won't reject the possibility. My late half-brother was bipolar.

[Hannurdock]

I always make sure to eat something during the day because I'm hungry otherwise. If I'm not super hungry (and it does happen sometimes) I tend to eat chips. There are times where my headaches will cause me to not have an appetite, and I hate that. I usually don't eat until I actually hear my stomach growl and then I know I'm hungry again.

I find not eating right severely alters my mood. I have been a bit lax in the past few months, but plan to start a new eating regime in January. Hopefully, it will make me feel better about myself and I will have something to focus on.

[Davetello]

Thinking twice about posting this as it's showing a vulnerable side, but, it might help to get it down on paper.

I've been messed up for weeks. I hate the fact that I'm utterly dependent on medication and without it I lose all grip on sanity. I feel like a total failure in terms of mental health. I hate taking medication because it's not real and dulls my senses. Other people argue it simply makes my personality the way it should really be, and stops it being an exaggerated version of itself, but I struggle to buy that long-term.

I'm extremely messed up and I honestly don't see a way out of it, medication or not. I'm tormented. I honestly don't know why I'm like this. I'm more messed up than anyone I've ever met and have severe deep-seated problems which stretch back to adolescence. I'm not a threat to society but I'm certainly a threat to myself. Living is pure torture. I find no pleasure in anything.

Thinking about taking Gunpowder's advice and getting hammered on drugs. I was always against it but it might help me escape for a while.

[BubblyShell22]

I can see why you'd feel that way, Dave. I know if I had to be dependent on meds, I'd probably hate it, too. Sorry to hear you feel that way though. Sucks.

[Davetello]

Thanks, I appreciate the comment. Most of the time I can cope but occasionally I hit the rocks.

[pennydreadful]

Thinking twice about posting this as it's showing a vulnerable side, but, it might help to get it down on paper.

I've been messed up for weeks. I hate the fact that I'm utterly dependent on medication and without it I lose all grip on sanity. I feel like a total failure in terms of mental health. I hate taking medication because it's not real and dulls my senses. Other people argue it simply makes my personality the way it should really be, and stops it being an exaggerated version of itself, but I struggle to buy that long-term.

I'm extremely messed up and I honestly don't see a way out of it, medication or not. I'm tormented. I honestly don't know why I'm like this. I'm more messed up than anyone I've ever met and have severe deep-seated problems which stretch back to adolescence. I'm not a threat to society but I'm certainly a threat to myself. Living is pure torture. I find no pleasure in anything.

Thinking about taking Gunpowder's advice and getting hammered on drugs. I was always against it but it might help me escape for a while.

Dave, you're not a failure. And I appreciate your feelings on the meds thing, because I used to be the exact same way - thinking that it was just BS to mask how sh*tty the world is. But it is your mental illness making you see it that way.

Depression is no different from having diabetes. It's an illness, you didn't choose to have it. You need medicine to manage a chemical imbalance you have - that's all. It's not a reflection on you as a person, and it doesn't make you weak.

Have you told your shrink how you're feeling?

[Mayhem]

Two of my previous girlfriends have been on medication (maybe I just like them crazy bee-atches), one for bipolar disorder, one for controlling severe mood swings and migraines. Took them a while to find the right medication for them, that worked effectively and had little downsides. Do you think you've found the right meds for yourself Dave, and if so, is that why you feel you can't live without using them?

One of them stopped taking the drugs eventually as she said they were slowly turning her in a zombie. That's the other danger, you get so drugged up you lose the sense of who you are, and the person that people love. She's now off them and coping without, she has to sadly. She just gets knocked out by major migraines instead for hours at a time.

Having to take drugs to stabilise yourself is not a failure, in the same way that people have to take insulin because they are diabetic, or blood thinners because they have high blood pressure. It's just one of those things, and I don't think less of you because you need some pill to normalise you. I'd be far more worried if you were taking something when you didn't need to.

[pennydreadful]

It's extremely common that people have to try a few different medications for mental illness to find the one that works best for them. Some people are able to get by without any medication at all - but some aren't. The way I see it, if you're feeling miserable and see no point to life... you should be taking something. Why suffer when you don't need to? Nobody likes to feel awful - if you had the chance to feel like a normal human being just by taking some medication once or twice a day, why not do it?

[Davetello]

Thanks for both of your posts, but I will get through it. I always do. Thanks, though.

[Gunpowder]

Thinking about taking Gunpowder's advice and getting hammered on drugs. I was always against it but it might help me escape for a while.

Uhhh, that's...not exactly what I said. :tlol: Don't get "hammered" on the stuff, I'm just sayin' it can be used medically; but it might not even be worth the legal risk over in your area.

Like I said man, practice some legitimate meditation exercises, or start exercising. Go running. Try everything you can before you resort to weed, and if you do end up smokin' any, make sure you ease yourself into it. Don't go getting stoned out of your mind (at least not right away). And you especially don't want to become dependent on the stuff; so make sure you've tried absolutely everything else first. Make a habit of doing something that'll calm you down for the rest of the day and also make you feel accomplished; exercise is your best bet.

[Davetello]

Thanks, I wouldn't smoke anything though. I would try pills and cocaine, though. I don't want to but my mind is fvcked.

Anyway, that's enough about me now.

[Gunpowder]

Thanks, I wouldn't smoke anything though. I would try pills and cocaine, though. I don't want to but my mind is fvcked.

Anyway, that's enough about me now.

Stay away from hard sh*t like cocaine. It won't solve your problems, believe me.

[pennydreadful]

Agreed - illegal drugs will just make it worse.

[Leo656]

Yeah man, nothing good EVER comes from that mess. Don't even joke. I don't care what anybody says about using it "just to party"; that sh*t's the devil. I'm only 32 and I've outlived a few people I used to work with who started with "this'll get me over the hump, I'm having a bad day" and next thing you know they're all ****ed up.

Nobody needs that sh*t, man. Ain't no problem so bad you can't make it WORSE by adding a habit.

[Davetello]

Thanks for all of your posts, guys.

Mayhem - I really didn't answer your questions earlier. Yeah, my meds tend to help me. But it will be a few rough weeks until they fully stabilise me. I haven't taken them for months, hence my gradual deterioration of the mind. They do tend to tire us out like zombies, yes. They're not magic pills but they do make life manageable. But they're not like Jack's beanstalk beans or anything like that.

[slashpieturtlemix]

Resorting to drugs is never a good thing unless the doctors prescribed it. I suggest seeing a doctor to see if you could get something assigned to you and taking up a fun hobby. I took up martial arts. You would be amazed on how fun that kind of distraction can be.

[Davetello]

I have meds, thanks for the advice though. I also have plenty of hobbies, I just rarely enjoy them. That's part of the illness/problem. I used to be immune to that when playing soccer but now I've started to think about the outside world even when playing.

It's okay though. I will get through it. Thanks for all the help, everyone.

[BubblyShell22]

I agree that drugs aren't the answer and will only make things worse. Same goes for alcohol. Just don't do it, Dave. Try other things that might make you feel better like exercise, meditation, or even reading a good book. If you feel horrible, maybe start a journal to document your feelings and see if that'll help.

[Davetello]

Thanks Shell. I appreciate the concern. A journal/diary has been recommended to me before, actually.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandad's struggles with his cane, by the way. Hopefully you have a nice Xmas.

[BubblyShell22]

Thanks. Yeah, it's very hard to see him that way as I haven't seen him in a long time. It just sucks that he's getting worse and I have to see him deteriorate like that. I think that's one thing that's definitely been bothering me today. And thanks for the holiday wishes. Same to you.

[Davetello]

Thanks. Yeah, it's very hard to see him that way as I haven't seen him in a long time. It just sucks that he's getting worse and I have to see him deteriorate like that. I think that's one thing that's definitely been bothering me today. And thanks for the holiday wishes. Same to you.

Thanks. Tell your grandad that everyone on the technodrome is hoping he has a nice day on Xmas day. Or at least tell him your online friends are hoping he does. Small comforts and everything.

[BubblyShell22]

I don't really tell him about my online life or anything. I like to keep that to myself for the most part, but I know he'd appreciate it all the same.

[Super Goku]

I think I was probably having some mental issues earlier this week. I feel fine now. I don't know what it was. I've never been diagnosed with any mental health problems. Here's hoping the mental issues don't return.

[BubblyShell22]

Well, if they do, maybe you should see a doctor about them and get a diagnoses if they get too bad.

[Super Goku]

Well, if they do, maybe you should see a doctor about them and get a diagnoses if they get too bad.

That's a good idea, I guess.

The more I think about it, I think my problem is that my personality clashes with different types of personalities. I think anytime you (speaking of myself) discuss politics or other controversial subject matter, especially online where people can quickly type their ideas or emotional responses without really thinking about what they are saying, that there are going to be debates among those discussing the subject matter.

So there's nothing wrong with me or anyone else as far as I know. We all just have different opinions and need to learn to co-exist and be respectful of each other's ideas, thoughts, and opinions. :)

[BubblyShell22]

Yeah and learn to follow the rules when posting said topics.

[Netkeeper]

Thought this would be best put under a spoiler tag because of the sensitive subject matter.

What do you do if you don't want to/don't have the means to kill yourself, but

You don't want to be alive any more

[Jephael]

I try my best to be carefree no matter what, but sometimes it's very hard. I enjoy being by myself, but there are times I feel lonely and want a friend to talk to, but it's difficult when so many people in my life are too busy to return a phone call or reply to a text. A year and a half ago my family and I moved to a town close to Harrisburg to be closer to my sister and her family. I was hoping to find some new friends, but I just keep hitting the same frustrating dead ends.

I still have a few good friends back home in the Philadelphia area who I can talk to over the phone, like my buddy Patrick, but at the same time I'd much rather actually see them face to face.

[Leo656]

I just work, brother. Like I'm always saying, busy people ain't got time to dwell on their problems. I been "sick of livin'" off and on for as long as I can remember, but as long as I got sh*t to do, it eventually goes away.

I mean it seems so trite but it's really the only thing that keeps most people goin', the simple fact that they got too much to do to even think about calling it quits. It'd definitely be nice if life had some kinda Pause Button, though.

[Mini-Turtle]

Happy New Year! Just FIVE more years 'till Neon Night-Riders!

[pennydreadful]

Thought this would be best put under a spoiler tag because of the sensitive subject matter.

What do you do if you don't want to/don't have the means to kill yourself, but

You don't want to be alive any more

You keep going, even though it's hard. That's all I can say.

[BubblyShell22]

Thought this would be best put under a spoiler tag because of the sensitive subject matter.

What do you do if you don't want to/don't have the means to kill yourself, but

You don't want to be alive any more

Try to find something that makes you happy and makes you want to stay alive. I realize that life is hard sometimes, but there's always something that motivates people, so just find it.

Gah! Bad sinus headaches again, and that's because we're getting freezing rain tomorrow.

[Rooish]

Just wanting to check in and see how folks are doing.

Remember that lives can turn around.

I was at a point when I was 22 where I had dropped out of university due to mental health related stress and depression, developed intense hypochondria, and eventually some minor psychosis (I basically got so hung up on existential questions that I became convinced I didn't exist).

Now: finished school, have a job, a relationship. I don't know how it all happened. I got tons of help so some are not so privileged or lucky. And psychiatric meds. But given time things could drastically improve and your mind will turn away from the darkness as you are distracted by your life. And you will not look back.

[CaliperCat]

Just wanting to check in and see how folks are doing.

Remember that lives can turn around.

I was at a point when I was 22 where I had dropped out of university due to mental health related stress and depression, developed intense hypochondria, and eventually some minor psychosis (I basically got so hung up on existential questions that I became convinced I didn't exist).

Now: finished school, have a job, a relationship. I don't know how it all happened. I got tons of help so some are not so privileged or lucky. And psychiatric meds. But given time things could drastically improve and your mind will turn away from the darkness as you are distracted by your life. And you will not look back.

I have just done a celebratory elbow dance in your honor, because I'm happy you're life got so much better. :) It's encouraging to see that it is possible for lives to turn around: For a lot of people, it's darn near impossible to see how anything ever will, so I hope it perks some others up as well. If I may ask, what type of help did you receive besides meds? Did you attend therapy, or did you just have a really solid support group?

[Jephael]

I was at a point when I was 22 where I had dropped out of university due to mental health related stress and depression, developed intense hypochondria, and eventually some minor psychosis (I basically got so hung up on existential questions that I became convinced I didn't exist).

Now: finished school, have a job, a relationship. I don't know how it all happened. I got tons of help so some are not so privileged or lucky. And psychiatric meds. But given time things could drastically improve and your mind will turn away from the darkness as you are distracted by your life. And you will not look back.

Thanks for that uplifting story, Rooish. I was kinda having a crappy evening after things got a little intense at my sister's house earlier, but reading your post helps me feel a lot better.

[Rooish]

I have just done a celebratory elbow dance in your honor, because I'm happy you're life got so much better. :) It's encouraging to see that it is possible for lives to turn around: For a lot of people, it's darn near impossible to see how anything ever will, so I hope it perks some others up as well. If I may ask, what type of help did you receive besides meds? Did you attend therapy, or did you just have a really solid support group?

Well I'm not sure how much detail I want to go into, because the fact is that I did get a lot of support and I don't want people who don't have much support to be discouraged. The psychosis experience passed on its own for what it's worth--I held on to enough rational thinking to decide that even if the delusion I was experiencing was true, I should probably act like it wasn't in order to "fit in" better and have an easier time in the long run. The hypochondria also passed. I researched methods for dealing with it, and antidepressants helped too. And time helped it pass. It started after a traumatic experience and time can heal that stuff a bit. People who are in a lot of emotional distress should look at the external factors that may be contributing, including trauma or ongoing traumatic environments. If you think you're crazy, remember that your situation may change and you may become less crazy; it's not just you. We live in a very invalidating, insensitive culture that denies people's right to feel what they feel (not saying they shouldn't control their behaviour or question midjudgments they make).

A lot of the recovery was my own perseverance and reading about depression and self-help stuff, spiritual or scientific--I dabbled in everything. Not to mention that my family is supportive, not as much emotionally (although they can be!) but in that they were a financial safety net and I could live with them late into my twenties as I returned to school, and they are tolerable laid-back people. I know this isn't the case for many. I also tried not to isolate too much and to spend time with friends. Even when spending time with others made me feel bad about myself I kept at it. It may have thickened my skin a bit, but I probably could have respected my own boundaries a bit more, in retrospect. I was faking it a lot to learn to fit in, leading to more positive feedback from others, leading to me developing the confidence to eventually go my own way and be my idiosyncratic self. Granted I'm pretty naturally needy of other people; many would not need such frequent social contact or validation.

I had a psychiatrist for a short while, which is covered by my province's health coverage, and this person was able to refer me to therapy groups including cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness based stress reduction. I know that finances, housing, and medical coverage are much bigger barriers for others.

I was on antidepressants for a while, then upon reading studies describing bipolar disorder as a "spectrum" rather than just one discrete disease, I asked my doctor if I might have a very mild form of it as my mood swings were so rapid and I got so agitated. She tried a mood stabilizer in a very small dose and it has really really stabilized me. Like sometimes I am too calm, and not compassionate enough.

I also volunteered and stayed active--I'm lucky to be in a big city with lots of activity. I spent time outside and exercised (now that I'm happier I'm lazy about that, but with my job I am also too busy to be depressed.)

I was hoping to meet someone in my volunteering. I went like 3 years without a relationship from it, ended up in one that was crap, went close to another 2 years after breaking up, and then met a really nice person who loved me for my insecure crazy self. I'm not going to overanalyze why. So that's working well. I try not to get ahead of myself and assume happily ever after, but it helps. :)

[CaliperCat]

Well I'm not sure how much detail I want to go into, because the fact is that I did get a lot of support and I don't want people who don't have much support to be discouraged. The psychosis experience passed on its own for what it's worth--I held on to enough rational thinking to decide that even if the delusion I was experiencing was true, I should probably act like it wasn't in order to "fit in" better and have an easier time in the long run. The hypochondria also passed. I researched methods for dealing with it, and antidepressants helped too. And time helped it pass. It started after a traumatic experience and time can heal that stuff a bit. People who are in a lot of emotional distress should look at the external factors that may be contributing, including trauma or ongoing traumatic environments. If you think you're crazy, remember that your situation may change and you may become less crazy; it's not just you. We live in a very invalidating, insensitive culture that denies people's right to feel what they feel (not saying they shouldn't control their behaviour or question midjudgments they make).

A lot of the recovery was my own perseverance and reading about depression and self-help stuff, spiritual or scientific--I dabbled in everything. Not to mention that my family is supportive, not as much emotionally (although they can be!) but in that they were a financial safety net and I could live with them late into my twenties as I returned to school, and they are tolerable laid-back people. I know this isn't the case for many. I also tried not to isolate too much and to spend time with friends. Even when spending time with others made me feel bad about myself I kept at it. It may have thickened my skin a bit, but I probably could have respected my own boundaries a bit more, in retrospect. I was faking it a lot to learn to fit in, leading to more positive feedback from others, leading to me developing the confidence to eventually go my own way and be my idiosyncratic self. Granted I'm pretty naturally needy of other people; many would not need such frequent social contact or validation.

I had a psychiatrist for a short while, which is covered by my province's health coverage, and this person was able to refer me to therapy groups including cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness based stress reduction. I know that finances, housing, and medical coverage are much bigger barriers for others.

I was on antidepressants for a while, then upon reading studies describing bipolar disorder as a "spectrum" rather than just one discrete disease, I asked my doctor if I might have a very mild form of it as my mood swings were so rapid and I got so agitated. She tried a mood stabilizer in a very small dose and it has really really stabilized me. Like sometimes I am too calm, and not compassionate enough.

I also volunteered and stayed active--I'm lucky to be in a big city with lots of activity. I spent time outside and exercised (now that I'm happier I'm lazy about that, but with my job I am also too busy to be depressed.)

I was hoping to meet someone in my volunteering. I went like 3 years without a relationship from it, ended up in one that was crap, went close to another 2 years after breaking up, and then met a really nice person who loved me for my insecure crazy self. I'm not going to overanalyze why. So that's working well. I try not to get ahead of myself and assume happily ever after, but it helps. :)

Thank you for sharing some of your experiences. :) There were a lot of aspects that I hadn't considered before in trying to heal one's self, such as trying to be social despite wanting to shut everyone else out. It's important to always keep fighting and consider anything that might improve your situation, and always try to keep on top of everything. You've given me a lot to think about, and maybe a bit of the hope I've kind of been missing. :D

[pennydreadful]

That was a wonderful post, Rooish - I appreciate you taking the time to type it up and share. I can relate to a number of things you said - and I'm really glad that you're doing better now.

[BubblyShell22]

Really glad everything's worked out for you, Rooish. You're proof that things can turn around in the long run even if it may take time for them to come full circle, so good for you.

Just really wish the temperature would get better. So cold here, so it's not helping my sinuses as usual. Ah well.

[Mew]

Me is a bit plump.
I need to shed of some pounds.

[Jephael]

Me is a bit plump.
I need to shed of some pounds.

Same here. It doesn't help that my sis got me a gift certificate to Papa John's.

[Leo656]

Christ. Don't you live near a REAL pizza place at least? She couldn't have done a little better than that?

[Mew]

Same here. It doesn't help that my sis got me a gift certificate to Papa John's.
Yeah, and I got a comedic box of chocolates from Mum.

[Mayhem]

Post Xmas means back to the gym as well to try and shift some pounds :P

[Jephael]

Don't you live near a REAL pizza place at least? She couldn't have done a little better than that?

We have a few mom-an-pop style pizzerias in the area (there's even a Vinnie's), though for some reason I just prefer Papa John's.

[BubblyShell22]

Papa John's is okay though I haven't had it much.

[Mew]

Honestly, I like Dominoes.

[Leo656]

We have a few mom-an-pop style pizzerias in the area (there's even a Vinnie's), though for some reason I just prefer Papa John's.

Holy sh*t, man, a $5 Tombstone Supreme from Shop-Rite is better than Papa Johns. I want some'a what you're puffin', guy! :lol:

I mean I'll eat it if it's there but I'd literally never ask for it.

[CaliperCat]

I will admit to having very frequent cravings for Totino's pizzas. You know, the little ones that are kind of like cardboard. Those are like $2.50, but they're goooood. :D

[Mew]

I will admit to having very frequent cravings for Totino's pizzas. You know, the little ones that are kind of like cardboard. Those are like $2.50, but they're goooood. :D
I crave thst pizza that you cut into 3.
What's the brand, me have brain fart.
._.

[pennydreadful]

My parents are convinced that I'm insane. This morning I yelled at my mother when she asked a question I already answered and she was disturbing me while watching television. This lead to several fights (physically).
I then threatened them with my lifting weights, played with deodorant and a lighter and walked around with 2 knives and a pizza-cutter, ready to attack.
Ugh f*ck.

That kind of behavior sounds like a good way to get sent to Brat Camp.

[Icebot]

My mental health is still bad. I'm gonna watch Avatar The Last Airbender the second to last episode of book 2. I think that'll help.

[Super Goku]

Hey guys and gals, I'm doing good. My obsessive compulsive disorder is still here though. It is like how villains in cartoons keep coming back. For example, I buy a new action figure and my mind keeps saying that it might be damaged, or I'm going to break it by moving the articulation, and I just worry about it. It doesn't make sense to me, but the thoughts won't go away. :ohwell: Any advice for me?

[Peanut]

My parents are convinced that I'm insane. This morning I yelled at my mother when she asked a question I already answered and she was disturbing me while watching television. This lead to several fights (physically).
I then threatened them with my lifting weights, played with deodorant and a lighter and walked around with 2 knives and a pizza-cutter, ready to attack.
Ugh f*ck.

Sorta hope this is a joke. If it isn't, you need to seek help pretty much immediately.

[pandaderek]

I then threatened them with my lifting weights, played with deodorant and a lighter and walked around with 2 knives and a pizza-cutter, ready to attack.
Ugh f*ck.

I think, because you picked those specific incidents, you know how crazy those events sound. That's a sign that you're not crazy, if you're able to identify such events that would be projected as crazy.

So, you kinda need to ease-up on your parents. I'm sure they take a lot of abuse at work, so they don't need it at home. I would try making your parents feel less abused and do something nice for them. Cook, clean, get good grades...something that will help them with their equilibrium, so they won't be stressed, all the time. I guarantee that if they're able to have some kind of balance, they'll be more concerned about your happiness, too.

[Netkeeper]

It's not a joke. I'm fine though.
No, you're not fine. Tell your parents you know something is wrong, and find a therapist or something if you don't already have one. If you don't do this, you're going to seriously regret it later.

[pennydreadful]

It's not a joke. I'm fine though.

Dude - get your ass to a therapist and learn some anger management techniques. I appreciate that I don't know the details of your living situation but that behavior is not acceptable, and it's a behavior pattern which you do not want to carry into the future with you.

I guarantee that if your little deodorant+lighter adventure had backfired and you'd wound up with burns, you'd be feeling like the world's biggest jackass right now. It might seem cool and bad-ass when you're 16, but if you'd ended up stabbing someone and wound up in prison for assault or manslaughter, you would be wishing that you'd handled things differently. I guarantee that nobody's gonna give two sh*ts about interrupting your tv schedule when you're in juvie - in places like that, the guards decide what, when and if you watch anything at all.

There are members here who actually had abusive parents/step-parents, so unless you're in that kind of situation, I don't have much sympathy for a television-viewing schedule being interrupted.

Write this off as me being a b*tch, IDGAF - this is real talk and threatening your mother with weights is not cool. Don't be a punk - be the bigger person and walk away. Take control of your own future and if you're in a toxic situation, don't take other people's baggage on board. You're the only one who decides what kind of person you're going to be in life.

Don't be a fool, yo.

http://a.fod4.com/misc/Mr%20T%20Bling.gif

[Mew]

I'm getting quite worried.....

[Mew]

I have horrible eyes.
My left eye is really blurry. Basically, my left eye serves no purpose whatsoever.
I wear glasses, but they don't help my left eye.
:(

[Super Goku]

I have horrible eyes.
My left eye is really blurry. Basically, my left eye serves no purpose whatsoever.
I wear glasses, but they don't help my left eye.
:(

I'm sorry you have that. Have you been to an eye doctor recently and reported this?

Well guys and gals, I'm going to do my best to beat obsessive compulsive disorder today. Metaphorically speaking, it is time for me to go super saiyan and defeat the evil super villain known as O.C.D. once and for all.

[pennydreadful]

Meow, sounds like you definitely need to talk to a doc about that.

SG - good luck with your battle against the villain known as OCD. If you need any energy for a Spirit Bomb, just give me a holler. :)

[Netkeeper]

I have horrible eyes.
My left eye is really blurry. Basically, my left eye serves no purpose whatsoever.
I wear glasses, but they don't help my left eye.
:(
Is this a recent development or has that eye always been that way? If this is recent, you need to have it looked at ASAP.

Well guys and gals, I'm going to do my best to beat obsessive compulsive disorder today. Metaphorically speaking, it is time for me to go super saiyan and defeat the evil super villain known as O.C.D. once and for all.
Hey, if the idea of going super saiyan helps you feel stronger, more power to you. You can do it.

[Super Goku]

Hey, if the idea of going super saiyan helps you feel stronger, more power to you. You can do it.

It does help. Thanks. I'm glad you think so. I have been dealing with this O.C.D. for years. It seemed to get worse in 2008.


SG - good luck with your battle against the villain known as OCD. If you need any energy for a Spirit Bomb, just give me a holler. :)

Thanks. I think that's a good idea.

http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/dragonball/images/2/2d/GokuSpiritBombFrieza02.png/revision/latest?cb=20100203100108

Lend me your energy. :D

[Netkeeper]

http://i.imgur.com/CicIlrP.png

Is this good enough?

http://i.imgur.com/EHWVMRb.png

How about now

[Mew]

My eyes were always like this.
I go to the eye doctor more than the average peep.
:'(

[Leo656]

Still sick. Kind of worse today. Probably shouldn't have gone to work or worked out yesterday, but... I did.

I'm supposed to wrestle tonight but totally not feeling it. I don't know. Right now I feel awful but maybe if I take some Zyrtec-D I can fake it long enough to get through. Then tomorrow is my busy day at work. I enjoy things like food and having a place to live, so I probably should go.

Or I could cut my f***ing head off and call it even. F***ing sinus infections.

[Super Goku]

Yes, that is good, Netkeeper. I almost have what it takes to defeat O.C.D.

*energy builds*

Still sick. Kind of worse today. Probably shouldn't have gone to work or worked out yesterday, but... I did.

I'm supposed to wrestle tonight but totally not feeling it. I don't know. Right now I feel awful but maybe if I take some Zyrtec-D I can fake it long enough to get through. Then tomorrow is my busy day at work. I enjoy things like food and having a place to live, so I probably should go.

Or I could cut my f***ing head off and call it even. F***ing sinus infections.

Get well soon, man.

[Leo656]

I didn't go to the show but my wife did. Turns out I would have won. Of course. I'm never booked to win, but the show I don't go to because I'm COUGHING UP BLOOD is the one I'm booked to win.

F*ck. My. Life.

[pennydreadful]

Leo, do you think you'll be able to go to the doctor in the near future? That really doesn't sound good.

Energy to keep fighting the good fight for both you and SG:

http://i.imgur.com/Fkt1OIj.png?1

[Leo656]

Doctors can't do anything for an infection, they just give placebos.

Not interested in getting better anyway. "Better" is only temporary. Finally figured out a way to be "better" forever. Won't ever have to worry about this again.

[pennydreadful]

Well eventually we're all going to die, but still... I for one would be sad to see you shuffle off the mortal coil this soon. If nothing else, you're one of the only folk who gets my sense of humor!

[Leo656]

I know. Always lettin' someone down one way or the other, seems like.

[Super Goku]

There's good days and there's bad days. Don't give up, Leo.


Energy to keep fighting the good fight for both you and SG:

http://i.imgur.com/Fkt1OIj.png?1

Thanks for the support. I'm loving the enthusiasm of Yamcha and Master Roshi.

Alright, this is going to sound weird, but here it goes:

"Super villain, I have been fighting you for years. You might have gained strength in 2008, but today I have surpassed you! O.C.D. is the doubter's mindset and a trap of repetitive behaviors, and I completely rebuke you now!"

*builds energy for the Spirit Bomb, now with enough power to defeat the villain known as O.C.D., thanks to the energy provided by Netkeeper and Pennydreadful.*

"The nightmare ends tonight! No more will I allow you to control me! It's over.... now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*Powers up as a super saiyan, and then launches Spirit Bomb energy at the super villain known as O.C.D., using my full power to make sure the villain is defeated.*

[Mew]

Leo, do you think you'll be able to go to the doctor in the near future? That really doesn't sound good.

Energy to keep fighting the good fight for both you and SG:

http://i.imgur.com/Fkt1OIj.png?1
Roshi is actually paying attention?
I thought he would be starting at Bulma or something!
:lol:
LET'S GO GOKU!

[Leo656]

So I'm MUCH worse today than yesterday, all signs point to it continuing to get worse before it gets better. I haven't been THIS sick in about a year, if not longer. The amount of blood coming out of my face is disturbing, and if I gave a sh*t about whether I lived or died I MIGHT actually consider going to the hospital.

Instead, I'm just hoping I suffer a heart seizure in the middle of a severe coughing fit. Mostly because I'm pretty sure that's how my Dad died, and that'd be super-poetic.

[pennydreadful]

Leo, I'm ordering you to go to the hospital. Not just for the physical stuff - you're sounding like you're in a really bad place. You might think that you're crap, but you're not - you're a lovely person and folks like you are the reason I stick around here.

There are too many jerks in the world and not enough wise-asses with self-deprecating humor. If you die, the cool people quota goes down by one.