| Ninjinister |
04-15-2008 10:59 PM |
Allow me to quote my blog entry of June 6, 2006:
Quote:
Uwe Boll. Dr. Uwe Boll, that is. How a man with no knack for storytelling achieved a doctorate in literature is mindboggling in and of itself. If you're not familiar with Dr. Boll, let me run some data by you. He's a German director who is hated by moviegoers and hardcore video gamers alike. Because of a German law rewarding investments in film, he is able to recieve constant funding for his consistantly crappy movies. Worse yet, because of said tax laws, he is able to secure the rights for many, many video game licenses. Now let's do the math; his movies keep getting worse. He keeps getting video game licenses. Thus, he keeps making video game movies that are progressively worse. Want some examples? Let's take a look at a few examples.
-House of the Dead, based on Sega's arcade shoot-'em-up game, couldn't have less to do with the games themselves. Except for a fleeting mention at the end of the movie, there is no reference to Sega's series. The titular house doesn't even
appear in the movie, and the plot is so haphazardly cobbled that it could be very well be called "Generic Zombie Flick #2301". Boll tries to back himself up by saying the movie is a prequel. Nice try. It worked with the Resident Evil movie because that flick actually had resemblance to the games. Not so here.
-The cult classic PC game Alone in the Dark also became a movie thanks to Boll. But instead of a gradually unravelling, creepy, involving storyline set in merry old New England, Boll's version takes place in some hyper crappy future community with a queer tentacle monster. And guns. Lots of damn big guns. Oh, and mention must be made that one potential script for the movie was rejected by Boll because "it didn't have enough car chase scenes".
-Bloodrayne, based on Majesco's most popular property, is about a sexy, seductive vampiress who kicks mucho ass. Boll took this character, changed her birthplace, century of birth, and backstory, then meshed a hodgepodge of the two games in with a bunch of plotlines Boll could have only found floating in a public toilet, in with all of it. Although he again bills Bloodrayne as a prequel to the games, the mysterious organization that is very much a presence in the second
Bloodrayne game is destroyed before the movie is over. Worse yet, he attempted to FORCE Majesco to model Rayne (the titular character) after the actress who played her in the movie, for future incarnations of the series. Seriously, Boll,
lay off the crackpipe. You don't get the license for someone's creation and try to make them change it.
What's worse, is the fact that he is a childish, prudent little man. Observe;
-He seems to have sex on the brain all the time. Okay, so most of us do. But he packs his movies FULL of it, even in movies based on games that had NOTHING to do with nudity and sexual situations.
-He fires elementary school-calibur insults and profanity at his critics. Really professional, man. If it weren't for the fact that Boll were affiliated with video games, violence, and sex, I'd think he was in league with
Jack Thompson.
-Boll once reported that he had the license to direct a movie based on the uber-popular Metal Gear Solid franchise. When
creator Hideo Kojima publicly denied this (and seemed VERY offended by it), Boll switched it up, saying he said that he was "in talks" with Kojima Productions. Kojima retaliated by saying that although an MGS movie was in the works, it definately would not be done by Boll.
So there you have it folks. A man who by all logic should have been cut off from funding to produce utter fecal matter of movies, and yet he keeps doing it. He's currently directing a movie based on the PC game series "Dungeon Siege". Will
this movie be a steaming pile of poo as well? Ron Perlman's slated to play in it, but even a man of his grand talents wouldn't be able to save a quickly sinking Boll production. We must just wait and see.
Oh, and if Dr. Uwe Boll himself sees this and believes he has something to say to me, I have just one thing to say to him...
"Bring it on, punk!"
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