I'm thinking of writing to Mattel...
 

It's recently occured to me that there are very few toys on the marketplace today which give children any real insight into real life and real-world issues. All the super-hero and fantasy toys are all well and good, but are we really teaching the children anything when they (or their parents) purchase these toys? I think there is a serious draught in the marketplace, and I do believe I can help, with the aid of Mattel's long-running, incredibly-popular but recently-sagging Barbie line.

Interest in Barbie is not what it was even fifteen years ago when the line battled fiercely with Masters of the Universe for the title of Top Mattel Product. I believe this may be directly related to the dilemma I mentioned previously. Barbie is often marketed alongside her dream man Ken, her perfect Dream House, and her perfect Dream Car. How many young girls or teens can relate to Barbie? How many girls in their teens see Barbie as an attainable goal, a symbol of what they themselves will soon be? How many young girls see their parents in Barbie and Ken? Not many, I wager.

This is the problem I hope to rectify, with my idea for the brand new, "Real-Life Barbie" line...

STREETWALKER BARBIE
Streetwalker Barbie comes decked out in tacky miniskirt, fishnets, six-inch stiletto heels and ill-fitting tube top. Accessories include a pack of cigarettes, oversized mismatched earrings, bangle bracelets, and a "do-it-yourself" makeup kit. Her dream date is none other than "Pimp Daddy Ken", complete with gold chains, fur collar, and a large hat with a giant feather sticking out of it.

EATING DISORDER BARBIE
So many young women have been torturing their bodies for years in an attempt to reach the impossible standards set by Barbie... well now, Barbie is no better than any of them. Eating Disorder Barbie is rail thin, her hair limp and lifeless, her skin almost an orange tone from weeks spent eating nothing but carrots. Press down on her stomach, and witness her Real Vomiting Action (tm). Accessories include a box of Tic-Tacs and a toilet bowl. No version of Ken accompanies Barbie, because no man wants a woman so disgustingly manourished and unhealthy. Truly, little girls everywhere can learn from this one.

TRAILER TRASH BARBIE AND FIRST-COUSIN KEN
Yes, it really IS legal in some states. Trailer Trash Barbie comes barefoot, wearing cutoff Daisy Duke shorts and a flannel shirt tied at the midriff. Her long blonde hair sports a snazzy pigtailed 'do, and her creamy complexion now has Real Freckles (tm). First-Cousin Ken comes complete with a shotgun and a six-pack of Cheap Brew (tm). Gone is the Dream House, instead there is a fully-furnished Double-Wide Dream Trailer. And since these two kissin' cousins can't afford a dream car, instead they drive around in their Dream '84 Ford Pickup, complete with broken ladder and empty paint cans.

DRUNK DRIVING BARBIE
This Barbie is, essentially, the same as any standard Barbie, but with a whole new (and deadly serious) message. Drunk Driving Barbie comes packaged with a brand-new Dream Car, one with a smash-in front end, ejector seat, and break-away windshield. When Barbie loses control of her vehicle in a drunken haze and crashes into a stationary object or even another vehicle, the ejector seat sends Barbie flying right through the windshield. This is where Barbie's accessories come in, removeable glass cut stickers and a neck brace, in addition to a six-pack of Cheap Brew (tm), the accessory which started all her trouble in the first place. Officer Ken is there to make a report, with his Speeding and Reckless Driving Tickets and Breathalyzer Accessory (always set to read well over the legal limit). The message of this tragic Barbie is clear: Drinking and driving NEVER mix.

DRUG ABUSE BARBIE
Like so many young, beautiful, seemingly perfect starlets like Britney Spears or Charlize Theron, Barbie has experimented with drugs. But experimenting can lead down a deadly path, as this battery-operated Deluxe Barbie proves. Drug Abuse Barbie has built-in track marks made for the accompanying Syringe accessory. Failure to inject Barbie with her "medicine" will cause her to convulse at random for indeterminate periods of time, simulating withdrawal. Press down on her stomach for Real Vomiting Action (tm) borrowed from one of our other dolls. Accessories include marijuana cigarettes, a vial of White Powder, and a rolled-up dollar bill.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE BARBIE
The last, most tragic doll in the first wave of Real Life Barbie. Domestic Violence Barbie comes with removable bruise stickers and a box of frozen fish sticks, making her a perfect match for "Where's My Dinner, Bitch?" Ken. Ken comes with Real Wife-Beating Action (tm) triggered by pressing a switch on his back, causing his hand to move in a slapping motion. Deluxe Editions of Domestic Violence Barbie, packaged as "Can't Take Anymore" Barbie, will come with a gun to simulate how many abusive marriages end.


So what do you think?

Hm... all I can say... is good luck. :D

Yeh, yeh... I'll see you when I'm rich... :P

That old joke again?

Old? I came up with most of that stuff with my friends last night at Denny's.

What do you know that I don't? There aren't already patents on these, are there? (nervous)

I used to have this issue of MAD magazine that had pretty much the exact same stuff in it.

:o

No sh*t.

Well, I've never seen it, and we already did have some ideas for Wave Two...

TEEN PREGNANCY BARBIE AND BUSTED CONDOM KEN
Teen Pregnancy Barbie comes with Real Inflatable Chest (tm) and a pregnant tummy, along with G.E.D. accessory since most teen mothers have to drop out of high school. Busted Condom Ken mysteriously vanishes not long into the pregnancy... like most fathers of teen pregnancies.


ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE BARBIE AND OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET KEN
"They're here, and they're..." you know how it goes. Alternative Lifestyle Barbie and her platonic friend Ken sport matching Rainbow logo t-shirts. Barbie comes with Real Leg and Armpit Hair (tm), and comes with a snazzy blue jeans and work boots ensemble. The look is complete with Feminine Mullet Hairstyle and Ani DiFranco CD. Ken's hair is neatly cropped, and he sports a neatly-trimmed mustache. Barbie and Ken come packaged together, but they don't spend much time together once you take them out of the box. They don't exactly travel in the same circles, if you know what I mean.


Seriously, dude, I made this stuff up. I swear.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
I'm going to beg you for money, when you have become rich. Any ideas of toys for boys, like "Horny He-Man" or "Masturbating Man-At-Arms"?

No, because I'm actually trying to give children toys with a clear, moral lesson. Like the lesson "don't drink and drive"... "don't fall into an eating disorder"... "don't marry your cousin"...

You know, actual educational issues. Masturbating He-Man toys don't go far enough into real, educational territory.

But if I get any solid ideas for Self-Discovery Ken, I'll let you know.

http://www.spicyhumor.com/pictures/goth_barbie.jpg
http://xanadu.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew...e-got-back.jpg
http://xanadu.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew...sta-barbie.jpg
and there's plenty others out there, but i dont think they're patented.... so good luck w/ the marketing! there's always SPENCERS.

Blah... them aint official, they're just NORMAL Barbies dressed differntly... just like ours will be but kids are too stupid to know better...

But yeah I like the hash pipe on Gangsta Bitch Barbie's shirt. :lol:

Uh... Why does Gangster Bitch Barbie have her hand down her pants?

:lol:

Polishing the jewelry no doubt...

:lol:

Here's my favorite Barbie.
http://www.toybox2.fsnet.co.uk/images/ilsa1.jpg

Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa...


By the way... since it's gone now... did "Gott Mit Uns" mean anything in particular?

Gott Mit Uns means God With Us. It was the slogan on German Army belt buckles before 1945. I just like the saying.

http://pic6.picturetrail.com/VOL181/...5/29233072.jpg

See I always thought it was a subversive jab at "Got Milk".... "Got Mittens?" :lol:

:lol: I never looked at it that way. Got Mittens :lol:

Thanks, dude, I'll buy them all! :D
:lol: This kind of joke is quite impossible in Germany because Swastikas are forbidden by law.

It's also illegal for Germans to buy items relating to the Third Reich from overseas. It's a ridiculous law in my opinion.

What if....

We could combine the two!

Masters of the Universe Barbie. Think about it.

Sayonara.

The "old joke" actually goes even farther than what was mentioned here :D

So, what "lesson" is the "Alternative Lifestyle Barbie and Out-of-the-Closet Ken" supposed to teach?

That specific one sounds a bit stereotypical to me.

Tolerance, of course. :D