Has being a geek been hard on your love life?
 

As a geek/nerd I have been finding it difficult to meet a woman who is willing to date a guy who collects toys and watches cartoons/ reads comic books. I've had women try to change me and it really hurts. My first girlfriend/fiance left me because I refused to change to her standard of manly and sell off my collectibles and stop watching anime. The last girl I dated back in 2012 basically had the same plan even though she collected dolls.

It's rough out here in the real world for a nerd. :tsad:

Anyone else have similar issues?

Nope. Can't say it has. Though just from looking at me, you wouldn't tell I liked any of this stuff at all.

Like, I have sentimental reasons for being a Superman fan. I usually get a bunch of awws when females here it. :lol:

Nope. I've had plenty of boyfriends of all types. From preppy ken doll guys to fellow geeks. From jocks to insanely smart guys.

No one ever had a problem with my geeky interests.

No, it isn't. It might be just you, breh.

Maybe its an age and generation thing. I'm not sure how old everyone is here but I'm 30. Back in 1997 to 2003 being a teenager who liked things like comic books and anime was a death sentence, or at least it was here in western Michigan. And that has seemed to follow me through my twenties. I'm not a very tall or athletic guy though so I have that against me too but I am outgoing.

Hmm, can't say it has since I left high school. Maybe back then it was a minor hurdle, but it actually HELPED me find my mate, and it certainly hasn't stopped me from finding friends- though oddly enough, most of my friends have been not only fellow nerds, but GUYS. Yup, I have had very few female friends since school, in fact most of them have been guys. (And a disproportionate number of them are/were gay, too....) But my hubby is one, too, to an extent. In fact part of the reason we got together is because we both love fantasy and sci-fi books, anime, and gaming!

A relationship is about making sacrifices and the bad news is very few normal girls who aren't geeks are going to be ok with a huge figure/comic/videogame collection that looks like you will be in the next episode of Hoarders. You really have to balance things out, I myself will be getting rid of a lot of my geek collectibles because I just don't have enough space and it's off putting to guests since it overwhelms them. Now these things are a part of your life and I like my geek stuff I'm just learning not to over do it and when it comes down to it when you have so much stuff you don't even enjoy half the stuff you have and sometimes we as collectors do show hoarder traits like putting emotional value in things, and that's when you have to decide what you prefer, your army of 3 3/4" stormtroopers, marathoning anime with subs or a relationship. Now of course if your SO wants you to get rid of everything or just doesn't like your geeky things as then yeah she isn't right for you but there's a difference between having a few figures and watching shows she doesn't enjoy and making it all your life. Just how you have to make sacrifices to be with her by not going overboard she needs to make sacrifices and allow you to like what you like. Of course if you find someone who is into the same stuff you are then you have no problem since she probably does it too, but that doesn't work for me since I'm usually more attracted to girls who are different than me. It's hard to give you better advice since you don't provide enough details.

I'm a geek who met another geek - we just live in our geekiness together. I respect my partner too much to ever tell them to get rid of their collection; I really don't care how big it gets as long as I have a little space in the house that's mine. We have separate things that we're into and some that we're both into - it's really a non-issue.

I'm not the kind of person who'd ever be appealing to a "normal" person anyway, so no amount of nookie from anyone would ever make me ditch a hobby that meant a lot to me. I'd rather be alone than be with someone that shallow and judgmental. If someone wants to downsize of their own choice, that's another story and is fine, but giving up something you love just to please someone who can't like you for who you are - hell no.

I couldn't care less what someone's into, or how many comics/action figures they have - if I like someone, I like them for them. Are they gonna hold my head when I'm sick and puking? Can they make me laugh when I'm feeling down? Do I enjoy spending time with them? Will they still want to hang around with me when I'm a wrinkled old raisin? That's the sh*t that's important, IMO.

Hasn't been a problem at all. As a matter of fact, I've had better luck making friends & linking up with chicks once I went full geek-mode. For one thing, it helps to stick to your own kind, you know? A partner who is either into the same things or has their own geeky passions is gonna respect & maybe even share in your interest/hobbies. Maybe you're not being realistic with your expectations/choices or something. I mean, as a geek, I'm not gonna go after the Abercrombie wearing sports fan who's heavily into cosmetics, clothes, & pop radio, or whatever. I'm gonna seek those who are into the arts, books, technology, internet culture, comics/cartoons/etc.

& for what it's worth, I'm 24 years old & a fat bastard. But I've still managed to do pretty well for myself over the years.

Never. I'll be 30 in November and never once have my interests had an adverse effect on a relationship I've had. I'm also not a socially inept slob who covers their house in toys either, so there's that. There's a line to everything, no matter how much you love something, that should never be crossed. I could never imagine putting posters or figures in my living room and not because my significant other thinks they're stupid, but because I'm a fully functioning adult first and an insufferable nerd second.

I'm not saying there aren't completely shallow people out there who will judge you based solely on your interests and write you off immediately. People still judge based on race and sexual preference, so of course they can sh*t on someone who owns a Hatsune Miku Nendoroid. However, I find that quite often there's a point where the so-called "nerd" label is used a scapegoat by the physically unattractive and emotionally stunted to justify their hatred for a woman who turned them down. If you're dating normal, decent people, you're generally going to have to do a lot more wrong than own an action figure and watch anime on the weekend to drive them away. It's the same issue I have with the "girls don't like nice guys" mentality out of the same group of people. They don't get that there are far greater issues at hand than "girls like jocks who treat them like sh*t" or whatever other nonsense they tell themselves at night.

It's a harsh reality, but it's true.

Ehhhhh...I don't know if this is strictly the best advice to go by. I've dated very few people in "my scene" or whatever, but it always felt like a suffocating echo chamber. Sickness breeds sickness and being trapped in that space, needing that specific type of person to co-exist with, is dangerous during the dating phase of your life. To each their own, of course. Some people really do need that exact match to be happy, or to even have a chance at a happy relationship, but limiting yourself is never the answer. I think it's a good idea for this dude to run in his own circle a bit more, but to say maybe he shouldn't be looking for a partner outside of it is something I can't agree with, especially when he's in this situation where he'd rather call off a marriage than get rid of some toys.

My fiance is, outside of moral values and life goals, my complete opposite. It's because we're so different that I changed my tune at 19 and actually did something with my life. I wouldn't be as well rounded and successful as I am today without that view to the world outside my little comfort bubble of video games and bullsh*t on the Internet. Dealing outside of your comfort zone is the absolute best way to grow as a person.

My collection is quite small actually. Mostly it's been because I like things at all. Though the area I live in is quite conservative. Most girls around here like country guys who rather get dirty and go offloading in big trucks. there really wasn't any nerd girls in my town until a few years ago but all the nerd geeky types around here are all in their teens and early twenties. Dang, I was really hoping this thread would make me feel not so alone and misunderstood but it's actually making me feel worse. :tcry:

I was gonna say, I had a bad feeling it was gonna go that way for one reason or other. Even though some folks are just sharing their own experiences I can see how it can feel like "piling on".

My advice? Don't worry about it so much. One of my best buds has been in similar straights - even having a kid with a woman he shouldn't have even been with, just because he was so desperate to hang onto a relationship after being alone for so long... that ended in disaster - but now he's finally met "the right one", is happier than he's ever been, and is getting married soon. He's almost 35. And if anything, he's MORE of a geek now than when he was a kid (he does LARP and stuff like that, which probably would've gotten his ass kicked in high school if he wasn't captain of the wrestling team).

There's no blueprint for these things. Don't let a relationship, or lack of one, be the sole barometer of happiness in your life. Chin up, brother.

Don't feel bad, dude.

Look, opinions are like @ssholes - everyone's got 'em and they usually stink. You won't find two people in this thread who have the exact same opinion on the matter regardless - I, for example, don't think it matters at all whether someone has posters or figures in their living room. YMMV. Some prefer action figures as decor, some prefer a bowl of waxed fruit. Neither one is right or wrong - it's your living space, you should do what the hell you want with it.

Within reason, of course - I wouldn't recommend taking decorating tips from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. :lol:

Seriously though, do what makes you happy. And don't be ashamed of your hobbies or passions, because that's part of what makes you you. If everyone were exactly the same, the world would be very boring.

Have you tried internet dating? Cuz that's how I met my partner - some folks here will doubtless laugh at that but hey, I'm antisocial and never go out - I was never going to meet anyone any other way. :P Nonetheless, there are plenty of normal, functional folks on online dating sites - why not take a crack at it?

:lol:
yes. I agree with all of this, its pretty much how I feel. Only that I'm not a fat bastard, but its refreshing to hear someone say that about themselves.

I'm only two years younger than you, homie. Also short and sickly. Soooo that's not it.

So be realz with me, if you met this fine honey who was super into you but she kept quoting memes incessantly, you'd be alright with that? If yes, it's cool, but I wouldn't, man.

"Oh, Powder! OOOH! So touch! Much sex! Y U NO talk!?"
"Uh...um...I..uh...zer...zerg?...Uh...sperm!? Sperm rush!? KEKEKE....ke..?"
"Powder...i am disapoint!"

That's actually not bad advice. I've never done it, so I can't really speak to it, but I do know quite a few people who are in happy, long-term relationships that started through dating sites. I think some of the stigma surrounding it has mostly gone away. The old "go to a bar/club and pick up a conversation with whoever catches your eye, and expect that to lead to a healthy relationship" way of doing things has proven to be full of holes at best, and a recipe for disaster at worst. I mean, I've seen it work, but I've also seen cases where the bloom falls off the rose pretty damn quick.

Meanwhile, more and more people are finding out that, even though it's a little bit of a sterile and impersonal way of meeting people, being matched up with someone who has literally everything in common with you definitely has a lot of advantages and eliminates a lot of the guesswork. Obviously, there's intangibles like chemistry, but it seems like at the very least it would narrow the field a little bit.

I imagine it would be easier for a guy trying to find a partner that way than a girl. A guy is less likely to get inundated with creepy "So, wanna f***?" messages, for one thing.

Uuuuuuuuuuugh you're killing me!

Penny hit the nail on the head, here. It's a matter of respect and understanding that counts, no matter what a person enjoys or is into. I know my other half has teased me off and on over the years for my level of "geek-ness" being much higher than his. (My love of comics developed after we got together, and has grown since then, while he's kind of eased off his geek-ness.) But he still respects and appreciates me for who I am, even if he ribs me about my "obsessions" with turtles and dark elves on occasion. I take it in stride as the light poke it's intended as. And it reminds me to try to keep it in check- most of the time.

I was gonna suggest that in my next post. Even if you're just looking (online) locally, it can make things SO much easier. Alternately, if you're really in need of the emotional connection more than the physical, there's always long distance dating. I've given that a whirl, too. Limitations aside, it can be pretty fulfilling so long as the person is right for you.

What, my admitting to being big? Do people try to act as if they're not? I sure as hell couldn't pull that off, at least not in person. :tlol:

Noooooooooo, dear God, no. That's not at all what I meant. When I said internet culture I guess I just meant that they'd be involved in online fan communities or hang out on the same sites as me. Guess I should have been more specific. I can't stand people who use memespeak, online or otherwise. :dead: I can't even tolerate "XD" & excessive abbreviations, let alone that stuff.