Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy
 

I got this added to my AIM profile, heres the link

http://www.tremorseven.com/aim/deepaim.php?job=adding


But here are some really funny ones:

At summer camp one night it was my turn to tell a ghost story around the campfire. I started to tell this story about a murderer who has a hook for a hand, but then I saw that one of the kids sitting there had a hook instead of a hand. When I saw that, I let out a big scream and went running for my tent, as fast as my little legs could take me.


-#298: People need to realize that every time they talk about how "fragile" our planet is, it's just like asking outer-space aliens to come invade us.

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#377: There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house.

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#101: I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

#18: If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.


#145: I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.

#164: I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.


#338: One of the bad things about panning for gold is maybe sometimes you'll get a crawdaddy in your pan, and you start to wonder if you should give up on the gold and just go for crawdaddies. I can't make that decision for you.

#78: It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.

#224: Sometimes I wish Marta was more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield, so I wrote "This car looks like a fart" in the dirt. Later, I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do. She said, "Well, maybe." Man, whose side is she on, anyway?

#188: If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.


#111: If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

This almost sounds like a ripoff of George Carlin material...

Doubt it, This junk dates back to the 80's versions of SNL.

*looks down at her sig* I rest my case.

Jack Handey is the man, and has always been an inspiration on me... yeah his "fuzzy moments" bit on SNL wasn't that great... but he has a lot of other good lines. I only wish I could find a complete collection of his little sayings.

BTW George Carlin is a genius too, except he is a lot less random, and more satirical.

man jack handey always has somthing funny to say!

I have that in my profile, it's quite funny.

The best one was...something like... "If you drop your keys in molten lava, don't go after them. Their gone, man. Their gone." Something like that... Yes....

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Those two are my favorite.

I loved the one that was something about him taking his nephew to an abondoned burned down shack and saying "Sorry, looks like disney land burned down"

*Tired cant think of the whole quote*

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!