jokes come and laugh youre head off
 

An Old Man's Dying Request

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live.
So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer

"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here,
because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor.
Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.
When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said,
"I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills.
But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church.
It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two
taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it in!"

A hillbilly walks into a bar, orders three mugs of Budweiser and sits in
the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after
I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The hillbilly replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers, one is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Tennessee. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank
together. So I drink one
for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The hillbilly becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way.He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss and this round is on me."

The hillbilly looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he
laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that my
wife had us join that
Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. It hasn't affected my brothers
though.


Enjoy!

That's One

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship.
On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain
passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse
stumbles and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts,
walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes and says, "That's one!"

The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree.
The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!"

He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again
lost its footing on a mossy slope.
The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man.
Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly
says, "That's three," removes a
pistol from his vest, and shoots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband,
"That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
_________________

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear
a "redneck" joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should
know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is
6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three
times."

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness,
faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving
your fellow man during your life
has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the
gates without delay and are granted
free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader,
including the Father without prior appointment."

"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the
mysteries which have puzzled and
confounded theologians through the ages.

Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations
between God and the prophets of old?
I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library
and explained how to retrieve the various documents.
The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels
came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word
on a parchment, repeating over and over -
There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began
passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new
diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced...

"It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"

so post back and tell me what u think

JOKES JOKES JOKES POST YOURE JOKES HERE

Heh heh those were pretty funny. Unfortunately I can't think of any good jokes at the moment.

Ten Recruits

Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.

"Hey johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, " those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen! "
"Yes, sir" the young man answered.

"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the D.I again
"Yes, sir!"

"And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?"
"Yes, sir", answered the recruit.
"So why didnt you get a haircut?"
"I was saving up for shoes, sir!"

A duck goes to a store and asks "Got any grapes?" The clerk says no and the duck leaves. 2 minutes later the duck is back and asks again "Got any grapes?" Once again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. After another 2 minutes the duck asks again and the man now irritated says no again. 2 minutes later the duck comes back and asks again about the grapes and the clerk says "If you ask again I'll nail you're beak to the floor". So the duck leaves, and 2 minutes later comes back and asks
"got any nails?"
"no"
"good, got any grapes?"

Ok so that wasn't very funny but its the best I know :P

:lol: welcome back Nicko!!!! :P

HE HE THATS FUNNY

ya, it's kinda good to have a thread devoted to jokes.

Thank you Nturtle :anime:
:nod: i think it's a neat idea :)

Obi Wan Kenobi and Luke were sitting at a Japannese restraunt one day. And Luke was having trouble with the chop sticks so Obi Wan said "Use the fork Luke" :P

sorry another bad joke

no that was quite funny

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

It's legal to play hockey professionally.

The puck is always hard.

The protective equipment is reusable.

It lasts a full hour.

You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

Periods last only 20 minutes.

A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.

You can count on it at least twice a week.

Your parents cheer when you score.

You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she
wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God,
please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to
church...." And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got
back up she began praying again, "Please, God don't let me be late to
church -- but don't shove me either!"