disablities: social, learning ect.

[BubblyShell22]

Wow, Leo and DTC, I had no idea you went through all of that. You're so brave for letting it all out there and explaining your problems. I'm glad that some things have gotten better for the two of you, though I'm sad that you and your wife may separate, Leo. That's not cool because I always thought you guys had a great relationship. Still, she shouldn't be treating you that way and should be more sympathetic to your needs. I say better to let her go than to be with someone who doesn't care.

[Type 97 Chi-ha]

Originally Posted by BubblyShell22

Wow, Leo and DTC, I had no idea you went through all of that. You're so brave for letting it all out there and explaining your problems. I'm glad that some things have gotten better for the two of you, though I'm sad that you and your wife may separate, Leo. That's not cool because I always thought you guys had a great relationship. Still, she shouldn't be treating you that way and should be more sympathetic to your needs. I say better to let her go than to be with someone who doesn't care.

And ditto from me.

[Dawnatello Turtle Chick]

Thanks for your kind words everyone. Leo: I feel for you. When my husband and I were first married (about 1 year) we were constantly fighting. I tried to get him to go to therapy with me and such but he refused. One day he got home from work and I told him I was leaving and took all the pets and my stuff. He finally realized that his behavior had to change for our relationship to work (mine did too, but I had been willing and he wasn't). He came up to my work and re proposed to me (which for an Aspie was a HUGE deal). We went through therapy and we have had a very strong marriage ever since. I hope your wife can realize how hurtful her words are and change how she acts towards you. Marriage is hard and it is easier to quit sometimes, but if she is unwilling to work on it you can't work on it all by yourself. I've heard marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100. Sounds wierd but its very true. Whatever happens, I hope it turns out for the best. If your wife doesn't work to keep you then she's losing a good man. Stay strong and as a good friend of mine would say: "Find your Buddah" in other words find something that you can think about or do to help you relax and cope. You'll make it, the best is always yet to come, as long as you believe it will get better.

[Leo656]

Eh, I'm no prize myself, but I do acknowledge when I'm being difficult even if it is after the fact, and take steps to correct my behavior. She's content to lay blame and that's all, which is tiresome. It's been so long I don't want to feel like it was all for nothing, but we'll see. I keep trying to make things right but for now at least she doesn't seem very interested. We're stuck living together regardless, so things might work themselves out, I don't know.

I appreciate the support, at any rate. I often do wish I'd stayed single, because life is undoubtedly easier when you're only worrying about one person and not two, but it's way too late for that. We have everything in common, which is good, but also bad, because when two angry people try and out-spite one another, the results can be disastrous.

[Dawnatello Turtle Chick]

Originally Posted by Leo656

Eh, I'm no prize myself, but I do acknowledge when I'm being difficult even if it is after the fact, and take steps to correct my behavior.

Don't sell yourself short, that is an increasingly rare trait! It is hard to take responsibility for your actions, but it lifts the weight off your shoulders to do so.

Originally Posted by Leo656

I appreciate the support, at any rate. I often do wish I'd stayed single, because life is undoubtedly easier when you're only worrying about one person and not two, but it's way too late for that.

While I see your point, when marriage does work it is so much better than being single. You know you have someone to worry about but it's a blessing, because they are also worrying about you. If you end up in the hospital, you will have a visitor. Not to mention you often end up with 2 paychecks which helps too! When my husband and I were fighting during our first year of marriage it felt more like 5 years. Everyday was a struggle. But these last 4 years have flown by! It's all about perspective I suppose.


I do think it's great that we are talking about stuff like this, because it puts it out in the open and shows that people can go through some messed up **** and still come out as normal as anyone else... (normal is a misnomer anyway). I wouldn't necessarily be willing to talk about it if I were still working for a company, but now that I'm self-employed I guess I feel like it wouldn't negatively impact me as much if someone found out. At any rate, I hope our words reach someone and help, even in some small way. Understanding can be hard, but showing kindness is possible without completely grasping someone else's situation.

[Leo656]

Yeah, having two checks coming in is a big reason we're still together. Possibly the only reason at this point.

Perfect example of what's been going on literally just happened; she started to tell me something and I coughed to clear my throat, which I have to do constantly because I have a sinus condition. Literally, I have to clear my throat every couple minutes. So immediately she comes in with accusations like, "Y'know, it's really convenient how you have to clear your throat every time *I* try to talk, like you just don't want to listen to me." I've been coughing all day, so her ridiculous accusation made me angry, so I yelled at her to stop f*cking accusing me constantly of doing things for the sole reason of pissing her off, because that's not what I'm doing. Every day someone accuses me of being a liar, or having some ulterior motive behind things I say and do, and I'm sick of people questioning my sincerity, and it's usually her, who should know better by now. So instead of thinking "Hmm, maybe I shouldn't make baseless accusations and assume the whole world revolves around me, and everything anyone does is about me. Maybe I should take it at face value that he had to clear his throat." Instead she yelled at me for yelling at her and called me "insane". I calmly explained that I'm simply sick of her accusations and can't take it anymore without flipping out, and she replied "You're just an assh*le." I again reminded her about my schizophrenic disorder, which yielded "Yeah, whatever, you need to suck it up and get over that sh*t already." She's very empathetic, in case you can't tell.

I've pretty much written it off at this point. I usually don't like to air our laundry in public but she's been attacking me on FB for weeks, telling people personal conversations and arguments and flat-out lies mixed in, so I'm venting. We absolutely have no future if one person in a relationship can NEVER be wrong. And not to be misogynistic (although I am, and readily cop to that as well) but it's a common theme I've noticed in women and can't stand: The majority are never wrong about anything, and I'm the kind of person who will fight to the death if I know I'm right. All of my married friends are like "Nah dude, you're always wrong, you're the guy, that's The Rule," but I'm not interested in being someone's scapegoat for the rest of my life.

Ah well. Like I said, we're stuck living together for the time being, so we'll probably just make due like my parents did, ignoring/avoiding each other entirely unless absolutely necessary until massive furniture-smashing fights ensue resulting in someone being arrested. It really is foolish to think a person can break that cycle, I guess. I mean, if it "worked" for my parents, my aunts and uncles, etc., what makes me any better than them? Further, what delusion ever allowed me to convince myself I'd succeed where they "failed"? I guess I deserve this. I don't know.

I've learned that in southern parts of China, people called the Mosuo have a tradition called "tisese", sometimes called a "walking marriage". Basically, it's just a "steady sex buddy"; if two people want to hook up, they do, the guy leaves in the morning and there is absolutely no talk of ever living together. These relationships can be made public or kept entirely secret, but living together is unheard of, and even if the woman has kids, she raises them alone or with the aid of brothers in her family; the Mosuo men are not considered "fathers" and have no responsibilities toward the child. The man stays at his own home and helps raise his sister's children instead. In each family, the woman acts as the head, and children have no fathers but each has various uncles. According to one strain of logic, this lets each man raise a child that he knows is his relative. When you marry a woman, you can never be quite sure if the children she bears have any of your genes, after all. To the Mosuo, the concept of marriage and staying with one person forever is an abomination, a form of torture and punishment, and in fact, parents threaten their children by telling them they will marry them off if they misbehave.

I know we knock the Chinese for their massive human rights violations, but at least some of them figured out ONE thing the rest of the world got wrong: relationships. People would be much happier if the whole world worked that way.

[Dawnatello Turtle Chick]

Originally Posted by Leo656

Ah well. Like I said, we're stuck living together for the time being, so we'll probably just make due like my parents did, ignoring/avoiding each other entirely unless absolutely necessary until massive furniture-smashing fights ensue resulting in someone being arrested. It really is foolish to think a person can break that cycle, I guess. I mean, if it "worked" for my parents, my aunts and uncles, etc., what makes me any better than them? Further, what delusion ever allowed me to convince myself I'd succeed where they "failed"? I guess I deserve this. I don't know.

Just because your parents survived their marriage (without divorcing or killing each other) doesn't mean it worked. You deserve better or you wouldn't see what was wrong (and that part of the fault was your own- takes 2 to tango so they say). There was never a failed marriage in which only 1 person was to blame. The hard part is when one person feels that they aren't adding to the problem and sees no reason to change. No one is perfect and I know I've accused my husband of things that turned out to be nothing more than my own paranoia. The only way things can change is if you take a big risk and MAKE them change. I don't know your exact situation, but there is always a way, it just might take a while to figure it all out.

One thing I found that help us, was if my husband and I were talking about an uncomfortable topic it would quickly turn into yelling (during our 1st year of marriage). So if it was a sensitive issue I would find a way to send him the information where he could read it while I was gone and think about it for a long time before he saw me again. I'd email him things that were bothering me and explain that I wanted to vent and help him understand why I felt the way I do. It helped us to understand each other better without arguing as much.

One thing that really helped us in the beginning stages of working on our marriage was to start pointing out the good things the other person was doing. It's hard to train your brain to do that after you've spent so long doing the opposite, but it helped. I always felt stupid saying stuff like "I liked how you put the wet laundry in the dryer" because who says that? But then I'd laugh at myself and sound happy and it would further diffuse any situations. Hard to argue if you're laughing.

I don't have the answers, I wish I did. All I can say is if you love who she is when you aren't fighting, then try to find more ways to bring that person out. Maybe after her mood improves you will find a way to help her see that your feelings are real and perfectly valid. If she can't see that you as a person (not just the parts she chooses to recognize) are worth the effort then there is nothing more you can do. Settling is always a regrettable decision. Sometimes life just requires a gigantic leap of faith. The hard part is recognizing when it is a good idea...

[BubblyShell22]

That sucks, Leo. Sounds a lot like my sister and her husband who haven't been getting along either. He's a jerk and even refused to put her on his insurance after they got married despite her having medical problems. She moved out and went to my grandma's house but after a week, she wanted to move back with him. I told her not to, but she insisted she had to, so she did. I think she's an idiot and I really hope she gets rid of him because she doesn't deserve someone who's going to treat her like sh*t. I know I wouldn't stand for that and would leave after the first sign of disrespect. I just don't take sh*t from anybody, and my BF knows it.

Then again, I really don't want to get married because I feel that sometimes marriage ruins more relationships than helps them. I'm not saying all marriages are like that, but most are.

[Leo656]

Too many people get involved too young, for reasons mostly about physical attraction, which is scientifically proven to fade over time, and often they have few common interests. Most people I know who got married or seriously involved before age 25 either have since split or they are very unhappy in the relationship. I now completely feel that people are not capable of making sound decisions before that age; hell, Current Me wants top kick Younger Me's ass for some of the stuff I did back in the day. Statistically, people who get married older stay together longer. But most people aren't patient enough to find someone who really fits them, or else refuse to lower their physical standards of attraction in order to find someone emotionally compatible.

Just a few observations about why some relationships fail, or seem to be failing.

[BubblyShell22]

Yeah, and a lot of people have this idealized version of what a relationship is and that they'll be with someone forever when reality is that sometimes that isn't the case. You really have to be sure this is what you want and work it out if you really love someone. It's a two way street whether you're married or not. I'm thirty years old, and I'm in no rush to get married if I ever do. It's kind of complicated though because we don't know if my BF would lose his disability if he married me, so that's one thing we don't want to happen to him. I'm okay with not getting married as I feel you don't have to get married to prove you're in love with someone. I don't want to wear a ring all my life anyway because I just don't wear jewelry at all and never felt the need to.

But, back on topic, I hear you about not having any knowledge of your disability until later in life, Leo. That happened to me at college when I finally learned what my disability was all about and why I had it. I always knew something was different about me, but when it came to college, I finally learned that I can't learn things as quickly as others can. Of course, there were some things I did learn faster than others, but other things I couldn't do. Fractions was a big one for me, especially reducing them. I could never tell if a fraction had to be reduced or not. Gah, I hated that.

I know I already said that before, but I felt the need to point it out. Let me tell you, it sucked when I had to do math, and I'm so glad I don't have to anymore.

[Jelly Bean]

well it is now confirmed that I have dyslexia. My tests just came back. In a way I am sort of relieved because for the longest time I thought I just had a problem. My dad rolled his eyes at me, and asked if this means I need special treatment now. My dad's opinion on disablity seems to be shared by more people than I thought apparently alot of conservative people tend to think that it just an excuse to to be catered too.

Also I want to say that I am amazed at some of the things that some of you had to guts to reveal about your selves and how unjudgemental all of you are being toward the people who revealed their problems and not blasting them for it or saying they are using their disablities as a way get special consideration. Leo in partcular kind of touched me. It's a shame youre disablites/issues is affecting your relationship with your wife. She sounds inconsiderate and bitchy. Bet she doesn't have the same life experiences as you to act that way.

[Leo656]

Eh, I appreciate that, but I don't think I'm particularly brave, I just don't give a sh*t what people say or think about me. I don't feel I have anything to hide about myself or my life, and I'm used to being judged, accused, what have you. So I just put myself out there and let people say and think what they want, because they will anyway. All I ever wanted is/was to be *understood*.

As for her, it all comes down to a basic lack of empathy. She openly admits that she doesn't really care what happens to anyone else, as long as it doesn't affect her in any negative way. I can be that way at times, but not *all* the time. I've been trying to keep things civil, and trying to be nice, but so far she's just being obstinate. We haven't said we love each other in over a month; in 13 years we never went more than two days. She didn't even say it on my Birthday. She did get me a present for my Birthday, but even that was kind of spiteful, as when I went to hug her she tried to push me away, and a few minutes later when she was leaving the room she stopped and said "I want you to know, I still hate you." She still talks about the future as if we'll be together when it comes, but refuses to let things mend. I can't understand it, but it kills me that we are now almost exactly the same as my parents, except we aren't both cheating on each other all over the place. Case in point, I started typing this at about midnight... she started a screaming match because I cooked something she apparently wanted to eat, after she specifically told me she wasn't hungry and wasn't going to eat anything. Everything I do anymore is wrong. I had a dream last night that I killed us both. I've apologized for every single bad thing I've ever said or done, and all I get is people constantly telling me what a horrible person I am, because I want MY feelings to mean something. Men aren't allowed to have feelings, society says, but I say that's bullsh*t. She again tried using things I've said and done during "episodes" as proof I'm a horrible human being, and once again when I calmly tried explaining my condition IN DETAIL she again belittled me and it. It's not that she doesn't understand, it's that she doesn't WANT to understand. Anything that makes things more complicated than "NO, you're just an ASSH*LE!" is something she doesn't want to hear.

Things have been going very well in every other area of life, but I've seriously started contemplating suicide again. My life is seriously irreparably ruined, all because I made the "mistake" of wanting to be in a relationship with someone I had literally everything in common with, and at the time figured she would grow out of her immature, selfish, irrational behavior. I have no friends or family really because they all hate her and long ago decided if I stayed with her I was cut off. I'm too old to start over with my entire life, so I really don't know what's going to happen. This is in no way a "cry for help", because nothing anyone can say or do can help, and if I decide to do something stupid that's my prerogative. Ever since the first time I threatened to kill myself when I was 7, and my mother told me "Go ahead," I've been convinced it was my destiny to kill myself. If we split up and I have to live on the streets again after everything I've worked my whole life for, I'm definitely going to. I don't deserve that after everything I've been through already. It's not like it would affect anyone really, since the only person I see often enough to care apparently hates me.

Full disclosure: I'm a strong advocate for suicide, in cases outside of my own, even. Several people in my family have done it; it's really not that big a deal. People get over it. Life is pretty lousy for most people, and I feel it takes a solid mixture of delusion and naivete to want to live in this world for 80 or so years, especially when even people who "care" about you are judging you and calling you names behind your back. People should be allowed to punch out when they feel like, and if they're not happy it doesn't make them "weak" or "stupid", it just means they're tired. If you hate your job, you quit. If you hate your neighbors, you move. If you hate your life, you end it. Seems completely logical, rational, and enviable to me. Frankly, I've tried and haven't found a way to follow through. Deep down, I'm afraid of it. But I'll probably figure it out if I have to.

My niece is 14 now and started crushing on boys, getting upset when the ones she likes don't talk to her, etc. I sincerely wish she would ignore all that stuff. Not one person in my entire family has ever had a happy relationship, male or female, and all the women end up with abusive guys and all the guys end up with selfish bitches. A couple even killed themselves over it (Seeing a pattern?). I don't care what anyone says, in my experience you become your parents or at least carry on their behavioral cycle, and fall for the type of people they fell for. I'm not sure if it's the mental disorders or the drug abuse or both that causes it. If I could FORCE my niece, or anyone, to follow just one bit of advice, it would be Stay Away From Relationships. It really isn't better to have loved and lost; you just feel like everything you ever did was a huge waste and wish one of you was dead. That's all you get, in the end. In case I haven't made it clear, I've given *everything I have* to this girl and our relationship, and now I have nothing at all.

I probably shouldn't be writing all this in the middle of having an "episode", but f*ck it, right now this is how I feel.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aaaaaanyways, that's a tough break about being dyslexic, but lots of people struggle with that. That's a legit disorder that I was pretty sure most people had accepted as legit by now, but I guess not. I do get what you mean; as someone who's mostly-neutral but leans conservative, we don't ALL think everyone with a disability or disorder is looking for a free ride or a hand-out. Sucks some people in your family seem to think so. If you've made it this far without "special treatment", why would he think you're suddenly going to use your diagnosis like a crutch? Some do, sure, but in another way it's kind of liberating when you find out there's an actual cause for the problems you've been having. People should be more understanding.

[Dawnatello Turtle Chick]

Hey Leo. I hope you figure it all out. My life was hell with no seeming hope for any other outcome for several years. But as I've learned , if you stubbornly cling to life long enough, things change and you end up with something you didn't think would ever happen.

This is a great explanation of where I felt like I've been, I bet you can relate, or at least get a laugh.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co...t-two.html?m=1

I hope you find your piece of corn.

[Leo656]

HAH! That was clever and well-written. Definitely easy to relate to. Well, up until the ending. I've never had anything like that happen to me. What generally happens after an episode is, since I can't find the will to die, I just ignore everything around me except my work. Since at least there I have some control over things and can at least *pretend* I'm appreciated by the people around me, I become obsessed with work and working out and wrestling, things I can control. And like I lot of people in the "sport", I wrestle partly because I can hurt people at least a little bit and pay no consequence, and also because I've become physically addicted to pain, because it's an alternative to that "nothing" feeling. And now and again, I'll accidentally drop the "happy-go-lucky" act in front of someone and have to come up with some version of "I'm just tired" to use instead of "I've long since decided life is a zero-sum game, and during the dull moments of our conversation, I'm trying to decide if I have any days next week where I'm not too busy to off myself. Because if I have too much sh*t to do, I'll have to put it off." Makes no sense, right? I don't get it either. While acknowledging that I don't seem to be moving towards anything worthwhile, at the same time I'm kept alive almost entirely by the fact I'm too busy!

That's something else that pushed friends and family away; none of them EVER understood any of my "issues" or bothered to try, so whenever I'd shun socializing (and their false "Cheer up!" platitudes), and jump headlong into work (which, to be fair, I can't really afford financially to NOT do, anyway), they'd take it personally, some even verbally attacking me for "not being there for them", because I don't or can't just go out drinking or to a movie or whatever. And seemingly all of them have tried to "help" me relate to people better with this tried and true gem of advice: "It's not that we don't care about you, but the thing is, nobody cares about anyone else's problems, and that's just life. It's not that we don't want you happy... we just don't want to hear about why you're not." As far as me and Mary, the few people who bothered to hear me out would remind me, "The most important thing you can do... is not tell anyone your problems and keep it between the two of you. Nobody ever wants to hear about that sort of thing." So basically, "Be someone who makes us laugh or just disappear," are my options if I want to be around people.

I mean, I get it, I know perfectly well nobody really cares about anyone else's problems, I just don't care anymore. If I do end up dead, I at least want people to know who was responsible or what the reasoning was.

Aaaaaanyways... this clip always makes me chuckle. George Carlin really was the Smartest Guy Who Ever Lived.

[BubblyShell22]

Sorry to hear about your problems, Leo, but you're wrong that no one would miss you if you died. We'd miss you here on the Drome because you're an awesome person who really brings a lot of insight into your posts and you really make all of us think about things when you do. Also, I'm sure your wrestling family would miss you, too, as you've contributed a lot to that company and have done a lot of good things for them. So don't think that you're alone and that no one would care.

I'm lucky to be in a good relationship now, but if it doesn't last, then it doesn't last. I'm not going to be like my sister who decided to keep going after guys in search of "the right one." For me, the one I have now is the only one I want, and if I can't have him, I don't want anyone else. Screw it. I'll just give up and stay single.

And I hear you about suicide, too. I've thought about it myself many times, but I never went through with it because I knew there'd be people in my life who would miss me and who would probably not like the idea of me being gone. I know there are some out there who feel they have nothing to live for anymore, and if that's how they feel and they don't have any measure of support in their lives, then they should just do what's best for them. Depression is a bad thing, and while many view suicide as selfish, I disagree because you don't know what's going on inside of the mind of that person.

Back on topic: Sorry to hear about your dad, JellyBean. He really needs to get educated about this stuff. My cousin has dyslexia and has struggled but is doing very well for herself. I'm sure you'll be fine, and if you need help, there are always ways to get it. Good luck.

[Leo656]

Thanks. Feeling better today, slept through most of the day since I didn't have work until 6. That's usually how I "settle" after having an attack, I just waste a day and try and forget about everything. Nice light day at work, no stress tonight so far.

What kills me is how we'll fight and get so vicious and she'll say she hates me, but then she'll do something sweet for no reason without being asked, like today she got Chinese so I didn't have to cook after work. I have no idea what she really wants anymore. She tells me one thing, our friends another, they swear she says she wants to reconcile (conditionally, of course) but tells me she isn't interested and that she hates me, then turns around and buys us food or concert tickets or whatever. I hate mixed signals.

Either way, I have a good weekend coming up so I'm trying to gear up for that. Mentally, I'm pretty unfocused, but somehow that seems to help my ring work a lot of times. Sometimes we fight all day on the way to a show, and I get there ready to kill someone, but then when the bell rings everything's crystal clear. Things I usually screw up, I don't, I'unno it's weird. Could be a coincidence; I've gotten a lot better in the ring this year anyway. Looking forward to it, either way.

[Dirty Blond]

Originally Posted by Leo656

I'm a strong advocate for suicide, in cases outside of my own, even. Several people in my family have done it; it's really not that big a deal. People get over it.

I 'd

[Leo656]

Well I'm not rooting for EVERYONE to do it, but fact is some people just wanna get the f*ck outta here, and I think their feelings should count. I mean, I know how completely fake and BS it sounds sometimes when people are all "Hang in there".

Occasionally people have told me in private that they're suicidal, and it kinda seems more like they just want someone to talk to, which I'm cool with, but it's very uncomfortable, because they're like "What's good about living?" and in my head I'm like "Sh*t, do they have any idea at all how bad I am at this?"

Luckily I haven't had anyone I know do it since I was a child, and those people didn't talk to me first, so as far as I know I don't have anyone on my conscience. I just feel like if someone really feels that bad, it's almost disrespectful of me to suggest otherwise, y'know? I don't know what they're going through.

[BubblyShell22]

Glad you're feeling better, Leo, and I hear you on that. I think though that most people who do kill themselves don't want to talk about it and hide the pain more often than not until it's too late to help them out. And that's sad.

[blindturtle02]

I'm totally blind as some of ya already know. It's funny really because when I mention this on other forums hardly anyone replies to pretty much anything I write. Cool forum, the technodrome. One thing that never ceases to frustrate me is that people often equate a physical disability with a behavioral etc. I have no idea why, but people associate blindness with mental/social/behavioral disibilities and all that jazz. My x's dad was just plain prejudiced period. He said she needed someone more than a nice guy to support her and all I'd ever be was a nice guy. Sounds pretty funny from a guy who does the door to door salesman thing and who's get rich quick schemes always went straight down the crapper. I'm really blessed to have a future father in law and bride to be who aren't that way at all.

Did you guys know that before 1975 or so that people with disabilities weren't allowed in public schools? I kid you not. And the Americans with Disabilities Act was only passed in 1990? I'm learning all kinds of interesting little factoids since deciding to become a teacher. Before that act went into motion, there was all kinds of discrimination. Still is actually. No elementary schools where I reside in a district that boasts 30 to 40 or so will allow me to come in and do my 40 hours of field based experience which is a part of the teaching certification process so I gotta go 30 or so miles to another town to do this. Oo fun. My fiancé's dad who worked in the special education field did say there were some pretty corrupt folks around here though. lol he was right.