"I'm not the only one ..."

[Sahtori]

This topic might be a bit depressive, but I figured. I should write it out somewhere right? I know I'm not the only one and all my life I considered other their problems much worse than mines.

But I battled, cancer, abuse, bullied and right now I'm battling severe depression.

Whenever I have faith in something, I try so hard to show and give my all. But then the "talk" comes. CFS, PTSD. No matter how hard I try, since I was a kid, I try so hard to become a comic artist. My idol was Crisse and he used me to get a friend to work for him. Because, ... I wasn't good enough. My style was bad and I wasn't good enough. Can you imagine a kid, reading all his comics, copying his style to the end that my art style looked close to his?

Sometimes I see comics published that I wonder: "Why am I rejected?"

Few months ago, DDDT - a gallery said: "Wow, we want to publish your work! WE love it and I will personally assist you!"

The moment I got home, the words got different and by now I am forgotten.

I'm starting to give up, with everything. Life is becoming such a bore, it's like a cape on your body. It's like, each little bit you see. "Why am I here?" ... "To see more of this pain?"

I just had my birthday and it feels like torture to see a kid of 16 publishing a successful book, made later into a movie.

How can I believe people, all my life they say: "Your art is wonderful." yet no one wants to hire me.

Had a note of Kevin Eastman and even Rob Paulsen. But I feel from 'pity' or to just 'tell' everyone: "you're awesome for loving us!"


I don't know how to deal with all of it anymore. Maybe I should just "hibernate" - or face the facts that I'm not "good" enough and people lie to me.


sorry if this sounds so depressing, but after a while, when you see that and you try so hard with everything. To please people and forgetting in that process yourself. I guess there are people who can relate to this feeling right?

Sorry ...

- Kay