Reasons why Chuck Norris, Mr T, and Vin Diesel are better than you

**GK Punk** · 11-16-2005, 11:50 PM

Why Chuck Norris is better than all of us. (even Voltron

)

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the girl thingy when she didn't give him exact change.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

*The Stryker* · 11-16-2005, 11:52 PM

.........

Buh?

*Tetsu Deinonychus* · 11-16-2005, 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kittie february6

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

I know, I read those before. ON A CONSPIRACY SITE!

**GK Punk** · 11-16-2005, 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ヴァルキリ

I know, I read those before. ON A CONSPIRACY SITE!

So see? IT MUST BE TRUE!!!!!

*damnhooligan* · 11-17-2005, 12:12 AM

Chuck Norris has got nothin' on Vin Diesel.

http://www.4q.cc/vin/

*Tetsu Deinonychus* · 11-17-2005, 12:14 AM

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

Mr. T beats ALL!

http://www.4q.cc/t/index.php?topthirty

Mr.T invented mathematics to keep track of how many fools he's pitied!

It is a common misconception that God will be waiting for you on the day of judgement with a book detailing your sins. No; Mr. T will be waiting for you with an index-card stating whether or not he pities you.

While filming Rocky III, Mr. T punched Sylvester Stallone so hard Sly spoke clearly for a week.

After "Mr. T" heard someone say that Ivan Drago in Rocky IV would beat Clubber Lang from Rocky III he pitied Dolph Lundren so hard that his movie career became what it is.

**Barkworm** · 11-17-2005, 03:58 AM

This is the best thread in a loooooong time. Even though Bruce Lee owns ALL of you.

**Jo Dawn** · 11-17-2005, 07:02 AM

Quote:

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

A HAHAHAHAHA!!

*falls over laughing* *wipes tears from her eyes*

I think I need to put that in my sig...

**Jester** · 11-17-2005, 08:41 AM

What if Mr. T pittied Chuck Norris, would it work?

**GK Punk** · 11-18-2005, 12:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jester

What if Mr. T pittied Chuck Norris, would it work?

Vin Diesel's head would explode

*damnhooligan* · 11-18-2005, 03:15 AM

The only substance hard enough to scratch Vin Diesel is Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel's left testicle speaks fluent Portuguese.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh*t.

*Tetsu Deinonychus* · 11-18-2005, 08:48 PM

Vin Diesel is the reason Waldo is hiding!

*Raven* · 01-07-2006, 10:58 PM

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Heres the site, funniest things I have ever read.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

OA · 01-07-2006, 11:02 PM

Wow...so the true origins of the TMNT at last...!!

**Jo Dawn** · 01-07-2006, 11:09 PM

'F***'n Chuck Norris.'

I LOVE him!

*iris* · 01-07-2006, 11:22 PM

The intro message to his official site frightens me.

Chuck Norris top 30 facts site

"Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants."

**Jo Dawn** · 01-07-2006, 11:31 PM

Chuck Norris talked to me!!

*runs around the thread excitedly*

*hits into the side and falls over*

*sits up, dazed* I wanna see Sidekicks, now.

~~SurfGuru133~~ · 01-07-2006, 11:55 PM

hahahah chuck norris was my grandma's favorite. she used to watch him all the time man

*damnhooligan* · 01-07-2006, 11:59 PM

For the sake of posterity, last month's Chuck Norris/Vin Diesel/Mr. T thread: http://forums.thetechnodrome.com/showthread.php?t=14153

*iris* · 01-08-2006, 12:02 AM

Writing on Chuck Norris' site reads, " The purpose of this web site is to inform and inspire Chuck Norris fans all over the World."

But for some reason I feel like the real purpose of the Chuck Norris website is to karate-chop my rear into the next millennium.

11-16-2005, 11:50 PM	#1
GK Punk I'm your Devil Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 12,439	Reasons why Chuck Norris, Mr T, and Vin Diesel are better than you Why Chuck Norris is better than all of us. (even Voltron ) Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fk with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the ** out of little kids. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the girl thingy when she didn't give him exact change. Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead. When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

11-16-2005, 11:52 PM	#2
The Stryker Stupid Rich Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Room 237 Posts: 11,152	......... Buh? __________________ @~<3 Mom~@

11-17-2005, 12:12 AM	#5
damnhooligan Mad Scientist Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Dorksville, USA Posts: 1,745	Chuck Norris has got nothin' on Vin Diesel. http://www.4q.cc/vin/ __________________

11-17-2005, 12:14 AM	#6
Tetsu Deinonychus The Iron Dinosaur Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Studio Snowlion HQ Posts: 3,021	If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode. Mr. T beats ALL! http://www.4q.cc/t/index.php?topthirty Mr.T invented mathematics to keep track of how many fools he's pitied! It is a common misconception that God will be waiting for you on the day of judgement with a book detailing your sins. No; Mr. T will be waiting for you with an index-card stating whether or not he pities you. While filming Rocky III, Mr. T punched Sylvester Stallone so hard Sly spoke clearly for a week. After "Mr. T" heard someone say that Ivan Drago in Rocky IV would beat Clubber Lang from Rocky III he pitied Dolph Lundren so hard that his movie career became what it is. __________________ (Image hosting by Postimage.org) And here's a list of all my old wacky threads!

11-17-2005, 03:58 AM	#7
Barkworm Draconian leftist ruler Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Germany Posts: 6,731	This is the best thread in a loooooong time. Even though Bruce Lee owns ALL of you. __________________ Make ****, not kill!

11-17-2005, 08:41 AM	#9
Jester Rat-faced Dude-guy Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Arkansas Posts: 26,298	What if Mr. T pittied Chuck Norris, would it work? __________________ "Clearly, you're Ninja Turtling incorrectly." - Leo656

11-18-2005, 03:15 AM	#11
damnhooligan Mad Scientist Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Dorksville, USA Posts: 1,745	The only substance hard enough to scratch Vin Diesel is Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel's left testicle speaks fluent Portuguese. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives." When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh*t. __________________

11-18-2005, 08:48 PM	#12
Tetsu Deinonychus The Iron Dinosaur Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Studio Snowlion HQ Posts: 3,021	Vin Diesel is the reason Waldo is hiding! __________________ (Image hosting by Postimage.org) And here's a list of all my old wacky threads!

01-07-2006, 10:58 PM	#13
Raven follower of Jesus Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 6,212	Chuck Norris facts Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Heres the site, funniest things I have ever read. http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ __________________ TMNT Future Despair Deviant Offical Ultimate Ninja Turtles Site!

01-07-2006, 11:02 PM	#14
OA Scatter the nuns!! Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 3,981	Wow...so the true origins of the TMNT at last...!! __________________

01-07-2006, 11:09 PM	#15
Jo Dawn Inactive Moderator Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Authority On All Things Don Posts: 5,190	'F***'n Chuck Norris.' I LOVE him! __________________

01-07-2006, 11:22 PM	#16
iris moddy mod mod Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: finally escaped the lab Posts: 1,886	The intro message to his official site frightens me. Chuck Norris top 30 facts site "Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants." __________________ Appeal to nobler motives. Like pie. [ life is at best bitter sweet ]

01-07-2006, 11:31 PM	#17
Jo Dawn Inactive Moderator Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Authority On All Things Don Posts: 5,190	Chuck Norris talked to me!! runs around the thread excitedly hits into the side and falls over sits up, dazed I wanna see Sidekicks, now. __________________

01-07-2006, 11:55 PM	#18
~~SurfGuru133~~ Banned Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: riding a wave or skating somewhere in OC Posts: 53	hahahah chuck norris was my grandma's favorite. she used to watch him all the time man

01-07-2006, 11:59 PM	#19
damnhooligan Mad Scientist Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Dorksville, USA Posts: 1,745	For the sake of posterity, last month's Chuck Norris/Vin Diesel/Mr. T thread: http://forums.thetechnodrome.com/showthread.php?t=14153 __________________

01-08-2006, 12:02 AM	#20
iris moddy mod mod Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: finally escaped the lab Posts: 1,886	Writing on Chuck Norris' site reads, " The purpose of this web site is to inform and inspire Chuck Norris fans all over the World." But for some reason I feel like the real purpose of the Chuck Norris website is to karate-chop my rear into the next millennium. __________________ Appeal to nobler motives. Like pie. [ life is at best bitter sweet ]