Joke thread
 

This is a thread where people post Jokes for others to read......

Knock knock

Who's there

Thread

Thread who

If yer goanna put up a jokes thread then why didn't put up a joke?

(ya, ya, corny... I know.)

All I have to say is, "Down with the hamsters!"

A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.

Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"

So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"

And Arnie says "I'll be Bach!"

*Groan* ;)

:lol:

LOL!

Heres mine:

A redhead walks into a sport s bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next
to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was
on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump. The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You
know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The redhead placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive
off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money." The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o 'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Aw man, my uncle e-mailed that blonde joke to me. Here's a good one-

A man is in the hospital hooked up to the respirator when the nurse comes walking in and he asks "Are my testicles black." The nurse asks him to repeat himself and he says "Are my testicles black?"
Feeling too embarrased to check, she decides to get another nurse to check for her. When the second nurse asks what's wrong, the patient says "Are my testicles black?" the patient removes his breathing mask and exclaims "I said ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"[/b]

A man was sitting at the bar on the top floor of the Empire State Building sipping his drink. There was an oddly dressed drunk next to him who suddenly turned and said, "You know, if you jump out the window on this floor you'll be sucked into an open window on the way down due to change in air pressure."

"Yeah right," said the other man, "why don't you prove it?" So the drunk stood up and stumbled to the window, and without a second thought jumped out. The sober guy watched in horror as this man plunged....

then suddenly was drawn into an open window about 10 stories above the street.

"See? What did I tell ya?" The oddly dressed drunk said as he got off the elevator and ordered another drink. The sober man, obviously astounded leaped out the window and fell to his death.

The drunk stumbled over to the bar and picked up his drink.

"You know", said the bartender to Superman, "youre a real asshole when you drink."

LMAO!!!!

LOL I've heard that one before but I still laugh........

Good one! :lol:

LOL! The Superman one is great.

2 guys get captured by a primitive amazon tribe while visiting the forests of Brazil. The tribe chief says that the penalty for trepassing is death unless they pass "the test." The chief tells them that they must find a fruit and let the natives shove it up their butt, and if they don't make a sound then they will be let free. If not, they will be put to death.

The first guy finds a bunch of grapes, and gets ready for immense pain. It comes and the guy doesn't make a sound for a couple of minutes, but then all the sudden he bursts out laughing! He is then put to death. The guy goes to the pearly gates to be let into heaven, and a minute later, his partner comes up with him. His partner says,
"You were so close!! Why did you start laughing!"
"Sorry man, but I couldn't hold it in after I saw you coming with a pineapple..."

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's one...

Three women; a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, were sentenced to be put against a wall and shot by a squadron of men for their death penalty. It was the readhead's turn first. She stood against the wall, as her executioners were ready to fire.

The general began, "READY... AIM..."

But out of desperation, the redhead said "TORNADO!" The men dropped to the floor and covered themselves, allowing the redhead to break free. Now it was the brunette's turn. She was standing against the wall, ready to take her punishment, as the general commanded.

"READY... AIM..."

But the brunette said "THUNDER!!!" The men ran about, trying to avoid any lightning that would come their way. The brunette escaped. The blonde caught on to the trick and decided to do the same gameplan. So she stood against the wall, wide grin and confident look. The general began the command.

"READY... AIM..."

And the blonde yelled out, "FIRE!!!"

:D

Playing baseball alone in his backyard, a boy announced, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world."

He tossed the ball into the air, swung hard, and missed. "Strike one!" he yelled.

He picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Feeling confident this time, he lobbed the ball, swung – and missed. "Strike two!" he yelled.

The boy examined his bat and then his ball. He spit on his hands, rubbed them together, then tugged his cap and repeated, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball, swung and missed. "Strike three!" he yelled.

"Wow!" the boy exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

"Leave the comedy to professionals, Michaelangelo." - Raphael, from "Split-Second"

heard it before, but it's still pretty funny, lol

Here's another one I heard:

If a person was to throw a cat out the window while driving, would it be considered kitty litter?

"Not that again!" - Raphael, from "Four Musketurtles"

LMAO! I love blonde jokes......

Another blonde joke...



A blonde a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops and decide to hide in a barn. They hear the sherrif comming and think that he might check the barn so they find 3 sacks and hide in them. The sherrif and his deputy walk into the barn and see the three sacks. The sherrif tells the deputy to find out what's in the bags. The deputy goes over to the bag that the brunette was in and kicks it. "Meow." "It's just a cat." He goes to the second sack the one the red head is in and kicks it."Woof." "Just a dog." He goes to the third and final bag that the Blonde is in and kicks it. He doesn't here anything so he kicks it again. And the blonde yells out "Potatos!"

I heard a joke like that 'cept they hide in trees in a forest and the brunette says "tweet tweet!" and the redhead says "meow meow!" and the blonde says "MOO MOO!!"

LOL I haven't heard that one.......

i heard a very similar one to that, so here it goes . . .

there was a canadian, american and brit on the top of the CN Tower. the american says "you know, with all the updrafts up here, if you were to jump off you would be thrusted back up."
the brit couldn't believe this so he told the american to prove it. so the american jumped off and up he went again. the brit thought that was so awesome that he tried it himself. he plunged to his death.
the canadian says "stupid brit, doesn't even know who superman is :roll: "

just remembered another one . . .

there are two hunters deep in the bush hunting for moose. all of a sudden on of the guys falls to the ground panting and holding his throat. the other guy panicks and has no idea what to do, so he gets out his cell phone and phones the hospital and says "oh my god, my friend is dead! he's on the ground with his hands wrapped around his throat . . . HE'S DEAD! what do i do?" so the person on the other end of the phone says "ok ok calm down. first you have to make sure he's dead." so the person hears the phone being put down, and then hears a big BANG. then the hunter comes back on the phone and says "ok now what?"

LOLOLOL, I heard on the radio that that was supposedly the funniest joke in the world

yeah i heard it on the discovery channel a few months ago . . . they were doing a study to see what type of joke was the funniest (those are the jokes i find funny too). Apparently brits and some other europeans prefer this type:

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! I have a strawberry on my leg!"
Doctor: "Would you like some whipped cream with that?"

:roll:

A kid gets on a bus and sits behind the driver.

"If my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow i would be a little bull." the kid said.

He continued with other animals.

"If my dad was an elephant and my mom was a female elephant i would be a little elephant."

the bus driver getting sick of the kid asked.

"What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute."

The kid grinned and said "Then i would be a Bus Driver."

LMAO!!!!!!!

HAHAHAH!!! LOL!! havent heard that one before!

here's anotha

A lady went jogging every afternoon and everyday she passed an old wisened man sitting on his front porch smiling widely. One day she finally built up the courage to talk to him.

"Sir, what is the secret to a long, satisfying life?" she asked

He replied, "I smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day, drink 2 cases of whiskey every week, I never excercise, and I eat nothing but fatty foods."

"Wow, that's interesting, how old are you?" she asked him.

He looked at her and said, "28"

HAHAHA... :lol: I heard that one!!!

Here's one, it's pretty strange, but here ya go...

There was a man that searched for treasure in a mine and found a lamp. It looked pretty dusty, and he decided to rub it. After rubbing it, a genie popped out... "YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM MY LAMP... I WILL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES!"

The man was pretty excited and wished for money, a lot of babes, and a Corvette. And so it was done. A couple years later, another man found the same lamp. He thought it was pretty dusty and decided to wipe it down. The genie popped out and said, "YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM MY LAMP... I WILL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES!"

The man was pretty excited and wished for all the chocolate in the world, wealth, and beauty. And so it was done. A couple more years later, another man found the lamp. He found that it was pretty dusty and wiped it down himself. The genie popped out, and yep... you guessed it! He said, "YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM MY LAMP... I WILL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES!"

The man was pretty excited and wished for two things: a GT Viper and a lot of money. He had one wish left. The man cruised around the town, showing off his car and showing his money to the whole town. His boasting became very tiresome and needed entertainment, so he decided to turn on the radio. As a commerical came on, he rested a hand on the lamp, unintetionally rubbing it.

As the commerical played, it was the Oscar Meyer weiner song! The man was so happy to hear it and decided to sing it just as the genie exit the lamp. He began to sing, "Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner! Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weinerrr....."

:D

A Blonde man was in a club. He was sitting next to a Brunette woman. So he decided to ask her out, "Hey, baby, where have you been all my life?"

The Brunette then said, "Sorry, but I am a Lesbian."

Then the Blonde man asked, "So what part of Lesbia are you from?" :lol:

OMG, that Oscar Meyer joke is so funny, and the lesbian thing is just a really funny twist on dumb blondes.

Thank ya... thank ya!

Almost every joke I know is dirty and/or offensive... but that never stopped me before! :evilgrin:

Here's one...

Little Jimmy comes home from school one day confused. "Daddy," he says, "my teacher was trying to explain the difference between 'in theory' and 'in reality', but I didn't understand. What was she talking about?"

Dad looks up from his newspaper. "Well, son, I'll explain it. Go ask your mother if she would perform oral sex on a complete stranger for $500."

Jimmy goes to ask his mother and comes back a few minutes later. "Mommy says yes."

Dad nods. "Now, go ask your sister if, for $1000, she would have sex with any guy that could pay her."

Jimmy does and comes back. "Sister says yes."

Dad nods. "Now, here's the difference between 'in theory' and 'in reality'. In theory, I have a wife and a daughter. In reality, I have a couple of whores."

LMAO!!!!!!!! All of the jokes are great! I love the genie one...........

Of course... the genie one would get everyone... :lol: Got another one!!!

There were three men on top of a mountain... a MAGIC mountain, where a wizard would explain everything to the three men.

"The magic to this mountain is... when you jump off, the first thing you say is what you turn into!"

The first man was very exicted and jumped off, then yelled "Eagle." And so it was promised, he turned into an eagle and soared into the sky gracefully.

The second man was even more exicted and decided to jump off, yelling "The richest man in the world!" And so it happened. It was only a shame that he had nothing to break his fall, and so fell to his death.

The third man watched the second one fall to his death, and became a bit nervous, having second thoughts of it.

"Jump!" the wizard ordered.

"No... no... no!" the man stuttered in fear.

The wizard had become very impatient with the man and decided to push him off. The man yelled in fear as he fell off the mountain, "CRAAAAAAP!"

:D

i heard that mountain joke as well, it's great . . . here's another one i remembered . . .

There was a pilot on a military plane in a practice run, but they had a problem. the plane had too much weight, so the pilot told someone to throw something off to lighten the load. so the guy threw off a handgun.

there was still too much weight on the plane so the pilot told him to throw something else off, so he threw down a machine gun. but there was still too much weight so the pilot told the guy to drop something else, so he dropped a bomb.

so when the pilot was walking home that day he saw this kid crying and asked him what was wrong. the kid says "i was just running around playing and i looked up and a handgun hit me in the head!" the pilot then saw another kid crying a couple of blocks down and asked him what was wrong. the kid said "i was just running around playing and i looked up and a machine gun hit me in the head!"

so the pilot kept on walking and a few blocks down he saw this kid laughing his head off. he asked him what was so funny and he said "I farted and my house blew up!" :lol:

Simple riddle:

Q: What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

A: They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons...

:lol: Good one Rez!