What Grinds Your Gears? :)

[MsMarvelDuckie]

Originally Posted by Leo656

I'unno, I've said before many times, I don't think relationships work and I don't think people should get involved with them. But that's not very realistic. I'unno, I used to really try and not vent so much about it, but I got sick of her trashing me on FB to the whole world, so now I just vent when I feel like.

And we're kind of common law "married". Not only does an actual wedding cost money we don't have, I kind of don't believe anyone should ever get married, since, statistically, it doesn't work, and getting out of it once you're in it can literally ruin lives just because of how the laws work. At least with things being the way they are, either of us could just leave if it ever got *that* bad. And even when the subject of breaking it off has come up, we both realize that wouldn't solve anything, we'd each just have a whole new set of bigger problems to deal with and one less person helping deal with them.

I think that's where most people truly are, relationship-wise: Kind of wishing they never got in so deep, kind of realizing that getting out would only make everything worse.

Originally Posted by Dawnatello Turtle Chick

My sister is freaking out and wants him back. My mom & I went to visit her to be supportive and we both really think she was having reservations about marrying him (which she admits she was) and was subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship. I definitely think she screwed up by cheating, but I am afraid she'll screw up more if she talks him into taking her back. But then it will be worse since she talked him into taking her back but she still doesn't feel that she should marry him. I 100% believe he is a mistake and not just a settling mistake but a huge mistake. I feel kinda bad saying this, but I really hope he doesn't take her back. She deserves so much better. But we don't want to say that yet because she is still convinced that he is great. My heart goes out to her and I hope she sees she has much better long term options!

I really feel for both of you guys. Leo, I know it sometimes seems that all relationships are nothing but trouble, but just remember that there IS such a thing as a "match made in heaven". I'm living proof. My husband may not be perfect (he never went to college, has always worked low-end jobs, and he's been diabetic since he was 3- so there have certainly been hardships in our relationship) but he's a decent, caring, and unselfish guy who not only appreciates me, but even now that he's no longer working due to his recent amputation and other diabetic-related problems, he still does what he can to take care of me. I'm now the sole bread-winner, so it really helps to know that he's there to relieve the stress when I come home.

We've been through more together than I care to think about sometimes, like a failed move cross-country that basically consisted of going from Texas to Pennsylvania in a moving van with almost no money, and then having to drive right back when the "family" that had offered to help suddenly changed their minds once we got there. And it ended with us spending a week cramped in the truck with our cat, only to have to call my grandmother to ask for a place to stay to get back on our feet. And at the time, she already had my uncle, his ex-wife, and their four kids living with her in a two bedroom house with a garage that was semi-converted into another bedroom. And we were there for three and a half years.

And then there have been all his health problems- he's had at least five really bad insulin reactions since we've been together, and each time, I was terrified that I'd lose him. All of them ended with hospital stays of at least a day. And two of those happened while he was already there for his foot amputation. Apparently the doctor decided to change his insulin type and it did not work for him. Damn doctor almost killed him three times! (The last one was less than two days after he'd just been released, while still using the insulin the doctor gave him. We went back to his old type.) but We have always been there for each other, and even when we fight, it's never for long, and we always manage to make up and stick things out. There is nothing so bad that I'd ever want to leave him, or cheat, or anything else. And he's never given me a reason not to trust him, even though he's not the best with money and I have to keep an eye on our finances.

The point is that in spite of all those things, I've never felt like I was settling, and he makes me as happy now as we were when we first got together. We laugh together every day, share interests and hobbies, and rarely disagree except over minor things like what movies or music we like. I'm not the best housekeeper, but he rarely complains, and he does most of the cooking since I am usually too tired to do it after a long day on my feet. These things all mean a lot. Truth be told, I sometimes feel sorry for the people who talk about bad relationships, because I consider myself very lucky in finding someone who not only loves me, but doesn't try to change who I am or control me. I lived with that kind of person for 15 years of my life growing up with a controlling, petty, racist, and self-important stepfather. My other half is so completely different from him that it's like night and day, and I', grateful to have found someone so wonderful. So it DOES happen- it's not just a fairy tale. Then again, maybe I just found a prince among frogs.....

[BubblyShell22]

Originally Posted by blindturtle02

I agree Leo and Bubbly, people who won't listen tend to grind my gears too. I've learned over the past 5-7 years or so to listen to the people who matter the most to me. Ya never know how long you have with them. It's like everyone in my family has had some form of cancer over the past few years. Mom, two uncles, my bh's late mom. So I've certainly learned to value advice even more than I already do, and that was actually allot to begin with. I guess all you can do is be there for a loved one even when he/she isn't wanting to listen. Especially if it's a spouse or a sibling. You two sound like you're doing all you can. I really don't get why your sis would keep that tomber to herself, Bubbly. Did her husband put her up to that? I'm not really sure what he hoped to accomplish by that.

Leo, as long as her parents aren't still trying to run your lives, sounds like you've got something good there. Were her parents like uber control freaks? If so, it makes sense as to why she won't listen to anyone. She probably doesn't want anyone to even appear to be telling her what to do again. I wonder if she's in a different place when you guys are having a tif? If her parents were as messed up as you say, most of her is probably reliving that stuff during arguments. Maybe she doesn't necessarily mean to lash out at you. I don't know and won't pretend to know about your spouse's situation, but what if she's not mad at you at all? She could just have trust issues. Has she ever stood up to her folks? Sounds like they're the ones she should be angry at. As long as you're treating her better than they did, well that's about all you can do.

She didn't keep it to herself, but when she was in the hospital for having seizures, her husband didn't even have the decency to call us and tell us she was there for three days. She called us about the tumor as soon as she found out about it, but she was by herself because her husband was working.

Duckie, I'm glad you're in a good relationship and that you decided to get married. I'm just the type to not take stock in things like that and feel that I don't need a piece of paper to bind me to someone or wear some stupid piece of jewelry either. I'd rather have a common law marriage myself as it's just easier. I've seen too many relationships get messed up over marriage, and I don't want that to be me.

[blindturtle02]

Yeah Bubbly, that's how my brother feels. It's working pretty well for him. He and his sweetie have been together for like 6 years now, I think. They just didn't want to do the whole ceremony paper signing thing. She was cheated on before and my bro also knows what that's like. His mom-- my wicked stepmother and no kidding, cheated on our dad years ago. He doesn't want to go through the same thing himself, so he's always been extremely cautious. Becca really wants a ceremony, even if it is justice of the peace. We're both hopeless romantics so I doubt I could have refused either way. haha

[Leo656]

Originally Posted by blindturtle02

Leo, as long as her parents aren't still trying to run your lives, sounds like you've got something good there. Were her parents like uber control freaks? If so, it makes sense as to why she won't listen to anyone. She probably doesn't want anyone to even appear to be telling her what to do again. I wonder if she's in a different place when you guys are having a tif? If her parents were as messed up as you say, most of her is probably reliving that stuff during arguments. Maybe she doesn't necessarily mean to lash out at you. I don't know and won't pretend to know about your spouse's situation, but what if she's not mad at you at all? She could just have trust issues. Has she ever stood up to her folks? Sounds like they're the ones she should be angry at. As long as you're treating her better than they did, well that's about all you can do.

Yeah, it's all of that. And I do understand all of it. But 14 years is a long time to be with someone and wait for them to not only realize why they're damaged, but to stop repeating the same script and actually change something for the better. I just get tired of repeating the same arguments all the time. And that's really what it is; it's not that we have fights all the time, it's that ALL the fights are exactly the same, the same 2 or 3 things, the same petty little nonsense, and I get really sick of it.

I know I'm part of the problem, too, in that I'm a very direct person, and a lot of people see being "direct" and being "mean" as the same thing. If someone does something stupid, for example, I come right out and say, "That was a really stupid thing to do," and a lot of times people take that personally. Pragmatic people struggle with relationships because they're less willing to patiently wait for people to struggle with things before they "get it on their own". And that's part of our problems; she's one of those "I need to do it my way" types, and I'm the "That isn't going to work. It's not even possible that it could work. You absolutely have to listen to me on this" type.

I'unno, everything's fine, yesterday was just one of those days where she started stupid fights over stupid things that could have been entirely avoided had she only listened to me. You tend to overreact when it's such a recurring theme. Silly example: She kind of drives crazy, and whenever she leaves food or anything in the back seat, it gets wrecked on the sharp turns, so I always tell her to stick the grocery bags on the floor next to my wrestling bag, so nothing moves around. Flat-out refuses, every single day. So long story short, a bottle of soda ruptured and sprayed all over the interior of the van, made a big mess, and I'm like, "Well, that's what you get. I only tell you every day not to put the bags on the seat," and she's like, "I didn't know that was gonna happen," and I'm like, "Well, I've been telling you it was going to happen, AND it's happened before, sooo... what the hell is it gonna take before you listen?" And then she starts screaming at me for "giving her sh*t."

SO not the biggest deal in the world. SO not even worth arguing over. But when that's kind of the daily routine, it's like... come ON, man, just play along for once so we can both just relax! Y'know? And what really kills me, is when I know for a fact how many people have REAL problems - like some of you fine folks and the things you deal with everyday - and meanwhile, I guess I should be grateful that we "just" have these stupid, petty arguments, but when a chick is cursing you out because things went bad exactly the way you warned her they would, and she's instead harping on the "Why are you so mean?" thing, it's like... "Again with this? Again... with THIS?" You just get fed up sometimes.

Another part of the cycle I hate is that it's entirely her stupid period. Every few weeks, same thing. She starts fights all over the place for no reason, I tell her not to take her period out on me, she gets MORE mad and says that's not at all what it is, I remind her that's exactly what she said LAST time, too, she gets MORE mad... and then a few days later she's all "I'm so sorry about that fight we had, I was on my period." And I'm like, "I KNOW, I told YOU that and you called me an idiot, and we do this every month like clockwork and I haaaate it!"

It's why we can't have a woman President. Imagine the headlines: "North Korean Dictator Insults Hillary's Hat! U.S. Triggers Nuclear War!"

[BubblyShell22]

Well, to be fair, being on your period isn't pleasant. I get cranky when I'm on mine, too, and I never mean to be that way, but I can't help it. Hormones are just all over the place during that time, and believe me, I hate it. Well, that and the fact that I lose a lot of sleep at night during that time, so that doesn't improve my mood.

And, Leo, what you're saying right now is exactly what we're going through with my sis. She and Mom had an argument this morning about her going to the doctor and asking about the tumor because we need to know more. She says he won't give her the time of day and that she's not going to bother. Then Mom told her that she had to take charge of her life just like Mom and Dad did in '99 when she was in the coma and critically ill. Then she started saying that we're living in the past and we need to let things go and that Mom's always yelling at her. On and on it goes, and it's just ridiculous. So she said she isn't moving down here because all Mom will do is yell at her. And get this: The reason her hubby didn't call is because he said that he was afraid of getting yelled at. Uh, what? We wouldn't have yelled at him and would have just thanked him for calling and would ask more info about what's going on. No yelling or fighting. So messed up.

So that was our day today. Frankly, I'm not going to worry over her anymore as I've had enough of it. If she wants to be this way, then she can fend for herself.

[Leo656]

Yeah, family can be difficult. Not going to get into it now, but it's unlikely I'll ever see my brothers and sisters again, maybe one of them specifically, but the rest of them, likely not. Their choice, not mine, if it were up to me things would be different, but for things I don't feel like getting into right now they've decided we shouldn't speak. It has to do with our parents, specifically that we had different mothers, and things our Dad did, and it's complicated, but frankly, I've tried to reach out to them many times and they're not interested. We'll see, but I'm pretty ambivalent at this point.

And I totally understand and sympathize with how tough a chick's period can be. Hers are actually really, really mild, as far as how a lot of women get great amounts of physical discomfort, she pretty much doesn't have any of those issues, but always some emotional explosion. And then a day or two later she's an entirely different person, like from yesterday to today. Yesterday she was threatening to call the cops on me because I said something she did was "f*cking stupid", and today she's like a puppy. Like clockwork, every few weeks.

What kills me is, I *know* that's the reason why it happens, but when I say "Mary, calm down, you know why you're getting so worked up," she gets SOOO MAD, like violently, and insists that her period has nothing to do with it, and then two days later she's like, "I'm sorry, that was absolutely my period." And I'm like, "Yeah, I know, I tried to tell you I understood, but you were too busy throwing things at me to listen."

It just drives me nuts that one can understand the problem, expect the problem, take steps to correct the problem... and yet, can never actually avoid the problem. It's just an exhausting routine.

[BubblyShell22]

Ah, yes, a never ending cycle. Has she ever thought about maybe seeing a doctor about it and getting on some type of medication to control the mood? I know you guys have a hard time affording things and aren't on insurance, but maybe something like that would help.

[Dawnatello Turtle Chick]

Originally Posted by BubblyShell22

Ah, yes, a never ending cycle. Has she ever thought about maybe seeing a doctor about it and getting on some type of medication to control the mood? I know you guys have a hard time affording things and aren't on insurance, but maybe something like that would help.

Not necessarily prescription either since I've seen you post about your dislike of pills for everything.... Sometimes just having a great combination of vitamins can turn my mood around. B vitamins in particular pick me up and give me a boost. Maybe talk to someone at a health food store (but check prices elsewhere since they tend to be higher).

[blindturtle02]

My future father-in-law telling my fiancé that she should sell a book whenever she's done reading it. I mean, it doesn't make me livid but that's just strange. Neither of us really get it. Becca loves to read and she charishes the books she enjoys. Yeah she's got allot of them, but she doesn't hoard them or anything. So he comes over and talks about having a garage sale. Says he doesn't get why she doesn't just sell a book as soon as she's done reading it.

"You're including the books you got me for birthday and Christmas there, daddio?," she asks. He just says,"Yeah," with all seriousness. I couldn't help it. Cracked me up. I mean, I can understand selling books you read once and don't care to read again. However, if you have a collection of books that you cherish and plan to reread time and time again, why part with them? Sure there's the library but those books wouldn't be ours to own. This guy really doesn't go for the sentimental value kind of thing anyway. He's just... practical through and through. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose. My gears aren't grinding. I guess this would fit in the things that make you go http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NefM2gVo9mw category.

[Blossombrooks]

Hmm, yeah vitamins are good but make sure to have plenty of iron, lots of dark green veg or even a supplement can truly work wonders on the stresses of the monthlies!

Blindturtle that would grind my gears, I totally get how your fiancé would want to hang onto her books. I rarely let a book leave my possession as I invariably re-read them, some of them are like old friends I couldn't possibly part with. (Although many of my friends have my books on 'permanent loan', lol)

Grinding my gears is pain! So much pain I'm being a bit of a wuss really and I've been though things a million times worse but I've just had cryotherapy and holy frakking heck does it hurt! Won't be doing that again in a hurry, you know it's bad when the doctor politely asks you not to scream before he starts....

[blindturtle02]

Hope your pain lessens Blossombrooks! Wow, I'd be pretty nervous if some doctor asked me not to scream before a procedure as well. That seems like an odd request. What's doc gonna do? Like Cat Stevens says, if you want to sing out, sing out. I probably wouldn't be able to resist! My pain tolerance is ok but whenever someone says don't scream, I usually get scared enough to be tempted to do so.

I'm glad I don't have to worry about anyone selling any of my books. I've got a few online libraries of books which I can download to my computer, read, then delete and download them again whenever I want to reread them. But nothing like holding a book in your hand and reading it. I hope brick and mortar bookstores aren't going out of style. That would definitely grind my gears. Kindles are alright, but I hope my kids also learn to appreciate ink and paper. I don't own a kindle or any sort of ap which allows me to read books. I might try it but I hate having to depend on a phone for pretty much everything.

I don't own a smart phone, weird as that sounds. Not sure if they make one accessible for the blind or not. Should probably look into getting one once I have the money. Not reading books on there though! haha What's next? iPhones that dispense toilet paper? It'd be cool if it could make your coffee for you though. I'd get behind that. Yeah I'll probably love it once I get one. I know I know. lol That Siri thing sounds interesting, I admit.

[RaphAndDonnie]

I know the feel with people wanting to get rid of books, BT. My family moves a lot and my parents always complain when they pack up my stuff because I have a lot of books (along with comics, video games and toys) so the subject of pawning a few of my books has come up occasionally but I almost always refuse, unless its a book I don't really like or read often.

[zkarlette]

Opening A bill and getting a paper cut in the process.

[blindturtle02]

Originally Posted by zkarlette

Opening A bill and getting a paper cut in the process.

Oh! Two for the price of one! Yeah it happens to me too at times. But I get my revenge by throwing the bill in the shredder once I pay it online.

[BubblyShell22]

I hear you guys about the books thing. I have so many books that I've read since childhood and would never really part with them because I love to reread them from time to time. I know that sounds unrealistic, but that's just the way I am about these things.

[Jelly Bean]

People who don't learn their lesson about "sexting." A friend of mine is horrorified that her malicious ex-boyfriend just sent a video of her performing a striptees for him in a video she did on her cell phone to several of people on campus. I told her not to do the video but she said she wanted to send him a sexy video of her self (apparently he asked her to do this) and said she trusted him. Now the relationship just ened in a nasty way because she called him out when she caught him cheating and the situation turned and she kicked him out of her apartment. He rataliated to her kicking him out by distributing the video to everybody, and I mean everybody. And now people are bashing her on facebook.

The guy is a spiteful asshole especially when he was the one that cheated on her, and it sucks he is getting one over her when he is the one that cheated on her, but at the same time, my friend gave him the tools to screw her over. Why do so many people do this? Especially girls.

This is so common at the school I go to it's ridiculous. First of all why would you do somehing sexual and film it? Where is the self respect? Second, why would you trust another person with such damaging material, especially a guy who can use it against you the second they are not happy with you? Almost all my friends have sexted to their boyfriends or guys they like and it's biten them in he ass for about about half of them. One girl I know had a guy use sexually explicit pictures she sent him as a threat to control her. She was stuck in a conrolling, demeaning relationship because he was using pictures she gave him as leverage to keep her under his thumb. The girl's mother had to get involved and went to his parent's about the situation. The parents of the boyfriend made him, in front of the girl and her mother delete the pictures from his cell phone and computer. Whats messed up is that this girl lives in constant fear that he still has pictures of her some where that he could put online. She's not sure if he doesn't have back ups some where.

Why would anyone ever do this? And really don't undersant the logic, but alot of girls my age say that many guys they date ask them to do this at least once during their relationship. I would never do this, and if I guy asked me to I would immediately get suspious.

[blindturtle02]

Wow! I think whoever decided to hold that sort of stuff over someone is truly sick. I mean, what folks do behind closed doors is their business, but they've got to think diligently before sending vids like that. I mean, why in the world would anyone send that kind of stuff knowing it could be spread around like wildfire? These guys sound like they're looking for tools to use against said partners should the relationship fail. I feel for the folks who've had those vids posted everywhere and are getting bashed. However, a little forethought wouldn't have hurt in the beginning. I agree JB, someone who asks a partner to send them something like that should be evaluated very carefully in the beginning. People should ask themselves,"Wait, where is this going to go if things don't work out," etc. Glad this particular individual had parents decent enough to admit that what their son did was wrong and good to know they did something about it. Sad that there are people who get away with making the lives of others miserable.

[Leo656]

It's ridiculous how that stuff happens so much. I feel bad for the girl when it happens but, holy sh*t, use your head. Of all the people any teenage girl could ever listen to, a teenage boy is the absolute worst choice. It's like Vanessa Hudgens. F*ck you kids think you're doin'?

[BubblyShell22]

Yeah, exactly. If my BF wanted me to do stuff like that, I'd say, "Hell no!" and that would be that. Luckily, he's the respectful type who would never even THINK of asking me to send pictures like that. Well, and I can't anyway since my phone doesn't have that feature, but he still wouldn't do that even if I could. And that's the type of guy to have, not a guy who's going to possibly exploit you if it goes wrong. People just don't use their heads anymore, and it's sad to see.

[Whatswiththeheadbands?]

People who hold up modern pop stars (Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber etc.) as 'role models'. It's just ridiculous how people can class them so highly, and say that it is right for young people to alter their actions to closer follow them. They are pop star and celebrities, not important people in history. A real role model would be Martin Luthor king, or Nelson Mandela, they affected the people around them and left an impression on the world. I very highly doubt Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber will do the same