Singles nation: Why so many Americans are unmarried

[Sage Ninja]

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/sin...8ERu?ocid=iehp

When Karin Denison was in her early 20s, it seemed that all her peers were coupling up and planning to live happily ever after. She spent the summers after college driving to friends’ weddings, she recalls. In small-town Minnesota, marriage was just what people did. It was expected.


Today, almost two decades, hundreds of dates, and untold hours on OKCupid later, Ms. Denison, who moved to Boston when she was 26, lives in a far different reality.



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“There are tons of single people in Boston,” she says. “You can be single in Boston and nobody really cares. I’ve never felt the pressure here to get married.”

Indeed, if there is any “normal” in the shifting, complicated world of American relationships, it arguably looks a lot more like Denison than her childhood friends who wed at 21. Last year, for the first time, the number of unmarried American adults outnumbered those who were married. One in 7 lives alone – about 31 million compared with 4 million in 1950 – and many of those are clustered in urban centers.

But even outside cities, there is a distinct rise of the “single.” Almost half of new births are to unmarried mothers. The number of parents living together but not married has tripled. And the number of American adults who have never been married is at a historic high, around 20 percent.

Meanwhile, only 30 percent of Millennials say that having a successful marriage is “one of the most important things” in life, according to the Pew Research Center, down from even the 47 percent of Generation X who said the same thing in 1997. Four in 10 Americans went ever further, telling Pew researchers in 2010 that marriage was becoming obsolete.

In short, academics say, American society is in the midst of a fundamental social and demographic shift, the “greatest social change of the last 60 years,” according to New York University sociologist Eric Klinenberg. It is a shift that goes well beyond the dynamics of relationships, affecting everything from housing and health care to child rearing and churches.

And although single women like Denison – educated, urban, and leading a full life – are often portrayed as the poster children of this new nonmarital world order (think “Sex and the City” and writer Kate Bolick’s new book, “Spinster”), the reality is far more complex. The way Americans now couple – or don’t – offers insight into not only evolving views of marriage and family, but into the country’s growing economic, racial, and geographic divides.

“Just as marriages are no longer alike, singleness is no longer all alike,” says Stephanie Coontz, director of research and public education at the Council on Contemporary Families.

Understanding the various facets of the new Singles Nation, it turns out, is key to understanding much about America today.

• • •

There is little debate that American adults are far less likely to be married than they were two generations ago. In 1950, married couples represented 78 percent of households in the United States. In 2011, the US Census Bureau reported, that percentage had dropped to 48 percent. In 2014, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that 124.6 million Americans 16 years and older were single, or 50.2 percent of the population, compared with 37.4 percent of the population in 1976.

But underneath those numbers, nuances exist.

One of the big ones has to do with when Americans get married. For years, the average age at which both men and women first marry has been creeping upward, to 27 for women and 29 for men. It was 20 for women and 22 for men in 1960. In other words, there may at any given moment be more single people who have never been married, but that doesn’t mean that those singles are going to stay that way.

But this seemingly simple demographic explanation belies a huge shift in culture. Particularly for college graduates, this delay in marriage has ushered in a new phase of life that sociologists are calling “emerging adulthood” or, less charitably, “delayed adolescence.”

This is a time when people focus on their careers and their own personal fulfillment, sociologists say: They go out to dinner, work late hours, and make close groups of friends that are sometimes dubbed “urban tribes.” And while there has been some hand-wringing about this, with worries about a lack of maturity among young American adults today, a number of scholars who study singles point out that this group is the antidote to another point of cultural anxiety: the decline in community.

College-educated singles are moving into old downtown buildings and spending money in revitalizing urban centers. In cities from Denver to Detroit to Boston, they are joining everything from kickball leagues to museum boards, neighborhood associations to volunteer organizations.

“People who live alone don’t want to be alone or isolated,” Mr. Klinenberg says. “So they spend an enormous time out in public.”

It’s a point that University of California, Santa Barbara professor Bella DePaulo has been trying to make for a long time. Dr. DePaulo, who is happily single, debunks what she says are myths related to the country’s “matro-mania.” Her research has found that contrary to conventional wisdom (and a number of studies) married people are no more happy and healthy as a group than their single counterparts. And it is singles, not marrieds, who are the most active in their communities.

“When people get married, they have less contact with their friends, their siblings, their neighborhood,” DePaulo says, adding that studies show this is true even with people who are married and don’t have children. “It’s just the opposite of the stereotype.”

Quite often, she says, single people realize that they enjoy living without a spouse. “People used to think of single life as where you mark time until you get married,” she says. “It’s not. It’s the real thing.”

• • •

But the definition of “single” is a bit vague. Statistically, it simply means unmarried. And that leaves plenty of room for different family structures.

DePaulo, who lives alone, is considered a single. So is Sarah Wright, the board chair of a singles’ advocacy group called Unmarried Equality, who lives with a longtime partner.

“I do not describe myself as ‘single’ because I’m not,” Ms. Wright says. “I am coupled.” When she gets government forms asking for her marital status, she crosses off all the responses and writes in “none.”

Tara Dublin of Portland, Ore., is officially single, even though she was married for years. Today, she says, “I am unmarried, unattached, and have no partner.” Still, she says, friends take umbrage when Ms. Dublin calls herself a single mom, since her ex-husband also cares for their sons.

Hugh Ryan is considered single, as well, even though he lives with two other men in New York, and the three consider themselves a family. (They recently bought a house in Brooklyn together.)

“We have the same stupid fights and the same wonderful stuff as in any relationship,” Mr. Ryan says. “There just happens to be more of it. Once you recognize that the two-parent, two-kid family that married at 22 and are together till the end of their lives is a rarity these days, everything else seems less unusual.”

Denison, for her part, describes herself as “single – sort of.” She has been in a number of relationships since she moved to Boston, some long term, some decidedly short. But she has always lived alone.

Two generations ago, this would have been highly atypical. A female college graduate getting an apartment on her own would have been seen as indecorous. But as Klinenberg points out in his book “Going Solo,” cultural attitudes have changed. Today, living on one’s own is a marker of adulthood.

While openly living with a partner outside of marriage would have been taboo – especially a same-sex partner, as in Wright’s case (not to mention a family such as Ryan’s) – today it is almost expected. The social penalties for sexual relationships outside of marriage have disintegrated, says Andrew Cherlin, a professor of sociology and public policy at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore.

“It’s less necessary to be married than it used to be,” Dr. Cherlin says. “Before, it was not acceptable to have any other sort of adult life. Now there are alternatives – living with someone but not getting married, not having kids, having kids and not being married. There are alternative ways of forming the family.”

Some pretty interesting stuff. There is actually a lot more to the article if you click on this link to read the whole thing. I think I might be heading in that direction as well. Not crazy interested in being married or have a kid just yet. By y age my mother was already married and given birth to me and my older sister. I'm still doing the college and do not plan on getting married until I have some years under my belt in my chosen profession.

[BubblyShell22]

I'll never get married because I find the whole thing to be a crock of crap and there's no guarantee that it will help better my relationship. I'm in a relationship but have no plans to get married at all or have kids. And if this relationship somehow ends, then I'll just be single for the rest of my life and be fine with it as I prefer to be alone most of the time anyway.

[Prowler]

Most developed nations have had a big increase in divorces in the last couple of decades. Also, society is getting more and more individually focused and people are studying more and more. Most people will not get married or have kids in their early 20s nowadays considering they're still studying and don't have stable jobs yet. Current economy does not help at all either.

Also, one must take in consideration the emancipation of the female sex since the 2nd half of the 20th century. Women are getting more independent and no longer need men to support them like they did back in the 40s-50s.

Divorce is also a pain for men. If there's one place where men are below women is in family court. If a couple has kids and they decide to get divorced, the man will never get custody of his children unless the mother is a criminal or a substance abuser, and thus a threat to the children. Considering divorce is more and more common nowadays, many guys are afraid of getting married because they don't want to take such risks of losing a lot of their money and not being able to see their kids in the future.

Plenty of people born in the 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. would tell you that people divorce easily nowadays because they just can't sit and talk about their issues anymore. They're kinda right, but our parents and grandparents are from an era where divorce simply was not an option. You had the same job and the same espouse until you died, no matter how much you disliked both. Many middle-aged and old couples kinda don't get along that well but don't get divorced because it simply isn't a solution for them. That's how they were brought up in their time.

And ofc, nowadays marriage is more secular and no one forces you to marry through a church. Hell, my parents didn't marry at a church and they married back in the late 70s-early 80s. Marriage is mostly a contract. If two people love each other and want tax benefits, they'll just get married. It also helps if you want to see your partner in the hospital at any time, per example.

My vision of marriage? I have no plans in getting married. Then again, I'm not in a long-term relationship, so who knows if my opinion would change if I met "the" girl.

[*NormalGamer*]

I'm really glad that there are diverse options for people to choose to live the life they want to live whether the're single or not single;we're no longer being restricted by the nuclear family option anymore and other amatonormative practices.

[ZariusTwo]

I believe in the family, with my ever loving wife beside me
But she don't know about my girlfriend, or the man I met last night


Nah, but seriously, I do think marriage is important, it's never easy, but it's worth it if you love and care for the person.

I'll pass on ever having kids. I'd make a lousy father because of my aspergers and the simple fact I am very focused on "me, me, me" almost all of the time. Fortunately my best friend is terrified of becoming pregnant herself.

[BubblyShell22]

Well, my parents never had a happy marriage, and I'm just the type to not want that for my life. I'm too protective of my relationship, and you can never be sure if it'll happen to you. It happened to my sister, too, where she married a guy and as soon as she had that ring on her finger, he treated her like crap. She left him for a week and then was dumb enough to go back to him even though I begged her not to. So, the way I see it, I don't want to get married because it doesn't always work out, and that's not the life I want for myself. I'd rather just live with the guy I love and leave it at that. Plus, I don't wear jewelry, so I know I'd probably never wear any of the rings anyway, so what's the point?

[MsMarvelDuckie]

Originally Posted by BubblyShell22

I'll never get married because I find the whole thing to be a crock of crap and there's no guarantee that it will help better my relationship. I'm in a relationship but have no plans to get married at all or have kids. And if this relationship somehow ends, then I'll just be single for the rest of my life and be fine with it as I prefer to be alone most of the time anyway.

No, there's no "guarantee", but that's everything in life. And relationships can end at any time, whether there's a ring and/or kids involved or not. What MATTERS is that the people involved love each other and are committed to the relationship, ring or no ring. Marriage in and of itself isn't a crock of crap. It's the reasons people go into it (usually unready and often with unrealistic expectations) that make it that SEEM way at times.

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

I believe in the family, with my ever loving wife beside me
But she don't know about my girlfriend, or the man I met last night


Nah, but seriously, I do think marriage is important, it's never easy, but it's worth it if you love and care for the person.

Ditto to this. I fully believe that when it's with the RIGHT person(s), it is worth all the difficulties. Also- nice use of Genesis lyrics there! Love that song, LOL!

[BubblyShell22]

Originally Posted by MsMarvelDuckie

No, there's no "guarantee", but that's everything in life. And relationships can end at any time, whether there's a ring and/or kids involved or not. What MATTERS is that the people involved love each other and are committed to the relationship, ring or no ring. Marriage in and of itself isn't a crock of crap. It's the reasons people go into it (usually unready and often with unrealistic expectations) that make it that SEEM way at times.

Well, it may not seem that way to you, and I'm glad you have a happy marriage, Duckie. I just don't trust in marriage and just don't believe in it. I feel you can be committed to someone without a ring or a piece of paper. I agree that relationships don't always last, and I'm not just saying marriage is the reason. I just feel that marriage can be one of the reasons, and based on my parents' experience, I would rather just leave marriage out of it.

[MsMarvelDuckie]

Yeah, I understand that- my point was just that marriage itself isn't the problem. Actually, my biggest arguments FOR marriage are primarily legal ones. For instance, "partners" don't have the same legal rights in regards to their significant others as spouses do, like income tax deductions, hospital visitation and medical decisions, etc. If, for example, your partner wishes you to be their primary executor or beneficiary in the event of their death, their wishes can be overridden EVEN IF IT'S IN WRITNG, if you are not legally married. Because in the government's eyes, you're not "family", no matter how committed and long-term the relationship was. Same if they want a no-resuscitation clause and you are the "next of kin"- you have no say, because it's not on that little certificate that states you have the legal right to make that call. Or social Security- legally, if you're not married to someone, you can't collect their benefits under any circumstances, even if they wish to allow it.


People make a big deal about marriage having so many down sides, but no one ever mentions the positive aspects, and it's usually the religious aspects that get all the attention, rather than the legal rights and responsibilities. I mean, you have churches that make a big stink about refusing to honor some marriages, or perform them for certain couples due to religious issues, but the reality is that it's the official consequences of getting that piece of paper that are most important.

[snake]

Spoilers because I don't want to cause a sh*tstorm

Spoiler:

I support marriage

[Refractive Reflections]

As Prowler mentioned earlier, there are a lot of factors that are contributing to this trend, such as: women's movement in terms of employment and resources, increased globalization and employment competition, increasing moral relativism in regards to relationships and sex, and the Millennial generation being considered self-absorbed, etc.

When people go into a marriage, they need to have the same or a similar value system (i.e. finances, politics, spirituality/religion, how they value career growth, if and how many children they plan to have, personalities), otherwise it will fall apart because you have to live with that spouse constantly and if that spouse doesn't share the same values and principles, it will eventually wear down. I think society focuses too much on the emotional romantic high (the infatuation and romantic dates) and the "party" aspect of marriage (the wedding) rather than the selfless commitment that is necessary to maintain a marriage. Every day isn't going to be romantic dreamy time, there are going to be boring days and difficult days. It's probably more important to observe and witness your potential spouse during these times to see their temperament and personality when things don't go their way, as it will be a foreshadowing of what to expect when you do marry that person when the storms of life approach.

Although my parents had a bitter divorce, I still believe in marriage, because there's something about having an explicit promise (the vows) that makes the relationship tangible and solid, that despite the changing environments the relationship will face and encounter, at least that loyalty in a relationship is something constant and dependable... and therefore priceless. I just think that a majority of those who wed don't have the maturity, or are simply just naive, to what a lifelong commitment truly entails. I mean this is a generation who is noted for being self-absorbed and wasteful with their money. If these same people don't have the foresight to save/invest for the long-term, how can they have the foresight for something as important as lifelong marriage? If these same people are noted for being incredibly narcissistic, how can they be expected to commit to something as selfless as marriage?

I'm all for premartial counseling before getting married and obtaining a marriage license. I mean for every other "license" (i.e. driver's, physician, etc.) you need education and training, so why not with marriage?

[BubblyShell22]

Originally Posted by MsMarvelDuckie

Yeah, I understand that- my point was just that marriage itself isn't the problem. Actually, my biggest arguments FOR marriage are primarily legal ones. For instance, "partners" don't have the same legal rights in regards to their significant others as spouses do, like income tax deductions, hospital visitation and medical decisions, etc. If, for example, your partner wishes you to be their primary executor or beneficiary in the event of their death, their wishes can be overridden EVEN IF IT'S IN WRITNG, if you are not legally married. Because in the government's eyes, you're not "family", no matter how committed and long-term the relationship was. Same if they want a no-resuscitation clause and you are the "next of kin"- you have no say, because it's not on that little certificate that states you have the legal right to make that call. Or social Security- legally, if you're not married to someone, you can't collect their benefits under any circumstances, even if they wish to allow it.


People make a big deal about marriage having so many down sides, but no one ever mentions the positive aspects, and it's usually the religious aspects that get all the attention, rather than the legal rights and responsibilities. I mean, you have churches that make a big stink about refusing to honor some marriages, or perform them for certain couples due to religious issues, but the reality is that it's the official consequences of getting that piece of paper that are most important.

I get that, Duckie, but for my relationship, we can't get married because he's on disability and if he marries me, he'll lose a lot of money, and he can't afford that because he's legally blind and has a seizure disorder. But whatever. I'm all for common law marriages, and that's what I want anyway. I agree about the legal stuff, but this is the sort of thing that we can't really do anything about so we'll just do what we can and leave it at that.

Originally Posted by snake

Spoilers because I don't want to cause a sh*tstorm

Spoiler:

I support marriage

No sh*tstorm here, Snake. That's great that you support marriage. I'm just the type to not believe in it and believe that you can be committed without the piece of paper no matter what.

And, RR, another factor is that most couples choose to wait to live together until they're married and that can be problematic as it can cause issues. That's what happened with my parents, and I'm the type to believe that if you want to get married, you better live with them first to see if you can coexist together.

[ZariusTwo]

Originally Posted by BubblyShell22

I get that, Duckie, but for my relationship, we can't get married because he's on disability and if he marries me, he'll lose a lot of money, and he can't afford that because he's legally blind and has a seizure disorder. But whatever. I'm all for common law marriages, and that's what I want anyway. I agree about the legal stuff, but this is the sort of thing that we can't really do anything about so we'll just do what we can and leave it at that.

He's very lucky to have you as a partner Bubbly, it seems you two have put up with a lot.

[MsMarvelDuckie]

Originally Posted by BubblyShell22

I get that, Duckie, but for my relationship, we can't get married because he's on disability and if he marries me, he'll lose a lot of money, and he can't afford that because he's legally blind and has a seizure disorder. But whatever. I'm all for common law marriages, and that's what I want anyway. I agree about the legal stuff, but this is the sort of thing that we can't really do anything about so we'll just do what we can and leave it at that.

No sh*tstorm here, Snake. That's great that you support marriage. I'm just the type to not believe in it and believe that you can be committed without the piece of paper no matter what.

And, RR, another factor is that most couples choose to wait to live together until they're married and that can be problematic as it can cause issues. That's what happened with my parents, and I'm the type to believe that if you want to get married, you better live with them first to see if you can coexist together.

Bubbly, why would him being married have anything to do with his disability? My hubby is currently trying to get on it, too, and his marital status isn't an issue. It's more based on income and physical matters, from what I've been told. Being married or single has little if anything to do with your disability status- because it goes by HIS past income(if any), although if you're married the y DO require income status on other members of the household for legal verification reasons. That shouldn't affect either of you, though.


As for the marriage before living together- in the past, that was usually the case. Nowadays, though, MOST couples DO live together first, often for at least a year or more. In fact, that's what we did. We were actually together for over three years before getting "legally" married (and our hand-fasting or "religious" wedding was after almost a year of being together even before the "real" legal wedding.) Living together before marriage is now the norm, rather than the exception- which might explain why so many people no longer consider marriage such a big deal- because they're already LIVING as "spouses" with OR without the paper that makes it official, so many don't even think of it as an issue until something like hospital or taxes come up.

[BubblyShell22]

Originally Posted by ZariusTwo

He's very lucky to have you as a partner Bubbly, it seems you two have put up with a lot.

Yes, he is lucky, and he's a great guy. I'm lucky to have him as well because we have that common bond of knowing what it's like to be visually impaired. It's one of the things that drew us together.

Originally Posted by MsMarvelDuckie

Bubbly, why would him being married have anything to do with his disability? My hubby is currently trying to get on it, too, and his marital status isn't an issue. It's more based on income and physical matters, from what I've been told. Being married or single has little if anything to do with your disability status- because it goes by HIS past income(if any), although if you're married the y DO require income status on other members of the household for legal verification reasons. That shouldn't affect either of you, though.


As for the marriage before living together- in the past, that was usually the case. Nowadays, though, MOST couples DO live together first, often for at least a year or more. In fact, that's what we did. We were actually together for over three years before getting "legally" married (and our hand-fasting or "religious" wedding was after almost a year of being together even before the "real" legal wedding.) Living together before marriage is now the norm, rather than the exception- which might explain why so many people no longer consider marriage such a big deal- because they're already LIVING as "spouses" with OR without the paper that makes it official, so many don't even think of it as an issue until something like hospital or taxes come up.

About the disability: He's already on it and has been for quite a few years. I think it depends on how long you've been on it. I know your hubby's trying to get on it, so that's one thing, but it's different if you've been on it for a long time which he has. He looked into it, and he found out that he'll still get disability but it'll be greatly depleted, and that's just not something I want given his condition. And like I said, I don't really think marriage is the be all end all of a relationship, and I'm willing to sacrifice that for him. Not many women would be willing to do that because they want the whole package of marriage and kids, but I don't.

And I agree about the religious aspect of it, but that's why a lot of couples don't live together before marriage, though it's not as common for that to happen as it used to be.

[tmnt transformer]

I believe in marriage, but fear that I never will. I would like to, but there really isn't many girls that fit into my standards...

[Ninturtle]

I don't want to marry with kids because divorce screws a guy when it happens.

[BubblyShell22]

Originally Posted by tmnt transformer

I believe in marriage, but fear that I never will. I would like to, but there really isn't many girls that fit into my standards...

You shouldn't be afraid of that. Not everybody gets married, and that's okay. And sometimes standards change.

[Candy Kappa]

I'm pretty neutral to marriage, there is some nice legal laws that goes for married couples compared to partner couples, but that's about it for me. If my partner ever want to get engaged and get married I'm not gonna say no. I mean, there's also a big party involved with god food and gifts.

[Katie]

Marriage is a serious commitment that I think people really don't understand.

I think the reason so many people are sour on it is because too many people rush into marriage with people they don't really know for petty superficial reasons, or worse, to satisfy some psychological need. Then, when those relationships go bad they tell war stories and people start to believe that all marriage is that way.

If people would take the time to come to their own maturity, figure out who they are, find a similar minded person, and take time to really get to know them and their family and their story.....it wouldn't be such a dirty word.