The New Café - Page 159

*Voltron* · 03-01-2009, 01:48 AM

Some people are just like that, man. I suppose you have to weigh the pros and cons and see which one wins out.

**ThirdMarioBro** · 03-01-2009, 01:58 AM

God man, you sound like a freaking saint. Sounds like a "that time of the month" fit more than anything else, and certainly doesn't sound like anything you did wrong.

SassyGal · 03-01-2009, 01:58 AM

Any boyfriend who writes poems and love letters is pretty much the sh*t in my books.

Is it possible that she may be feeling stressed by doing the whole long distance/weekend relationship thing while she's at school in Ottawa or has she always been like this? Also, Voltron's right. Some people just start fights because they think there always has to be some kind of drama in their lives and relationships for it to be normal. It sucks, but with all the stuff you do with her and for her, it sounds like she could be one of those people.

All you can do is be there for her when she needs you (within reason, of course), but be there for yourself too. You have every right to take 20 minutes to eat and watch tv with your sister. It doesn't make you mean or a jerk and you certainly don't deserve to get yelled at.

*Tinuvielsdreams* · 03-01-2009, 02:46 AM

My thoughts on your situation Peanut fall under something I have been guilty of myself. I know I am way too sensitive at times. A good example of this is when I am trying to handle an undesirable situation. My current relationship may have nothing to do with another problem in my life but because I feel stressed I do not handle things well.
Maybe the distance is your gf's undesirable situation and she is taking it out on you?

Personally, I really appreciate the little things and I think many of the things you listed having done as a boyfriend are very sweet. Sometimes when a girl is upset she doesn't always recall all those sweet things unfortunately.

I hope you can talk to each other about it, communication is the trick even if the other person may not want to hear what they are doing wrong. All you can do is let her know how you feel and you deserve to be able to speak your mind. Give her a moment to vent and calm down and present the issue to her. Make sure you include the phrase "we" and "I" more then "you" so she doesn't get defensive right away. Some of us girls tend to do that

*Spitfire* · 03-01-2009, 03:16 AM

I used to have a girlfriend who would do that to me. It was because of distance*She lived 2 hours away and I had no car* but it was also because I let her walk all over me and never showed any back bone. I finally lost it and screamed at her once and she knocked it off. I'm not saying that's what your doing but maybe letting her win every argument might be letting her think she can control every aspect of your life because your so nice and back down in arguments.

Not saying you should go crazy and yell at her but maybe being more assertive will help her understand she needs to chill out sometimes and you can't always be at her beck and call.

Ra · 03-01-2009, 05:44 AM

I doubt you are doing anything wrong. Maybe there is some sort of stress from school or being away from you where she tries to take it out on you? I mean, any guy who is writing love poems and painting pictures with his girlfriend probably wouldn't be creating any problems.

Being inexperienced in love, I don't really know what I could say to help things. But I do second what Dreams said and see if you can talk to her. Better than letting it all continue.

Best of luck to you!

愛 · 03-01-2009, 07:31 AM

You're doing a wonderful job. Better than most boyfriends out there. I'd just chalk it up to her being a little nutso. It happens.

*Hannah* · 03-01-2009, 09:23 AM

Bleh, your girlfriend sounds a lot like me. Just tell her what you told us. You need to get things out in the open.

You can't let her walk all over you or somewhere down the road you're just gonna explode.

*Cure* · 03-01-2009, 11:24 AM

Yeah, homie, pretty much what some others have said, I think you need to be a little more assertive, especially if you know you're right. That might not fix EVERYTHING but it could help.

*Sewer Bull* · 03-01-2009, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peanut

My girlfriend has been pissing me off recently, and I want to know if I'm to blame for this, or if she is.

I found a few interesting points in your lengthy post:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peanut

She's a person that there's no arguing with, because losing to her isn't an option. She's probably the most competitive person I've ever met. I'm fine with all of this, when she starts trying to compete with me over something, I always give in, when she wants to argue, I almost always settle for being wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peanut

I do f*cking EVERYTHING!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peanut

Now, maybe it's just me, but as a person who loves their girlfriend so much, would do anything in the WORLD to make them happy

It seems you spoiled her pretty much with all that fawning upon her, so that she started to take you for granted, almost like a servant ready for her every word.

That's why she's flipping over something so ridiculous like spending 20 minutes with your sister.

As others said, more assertiveness is recommended.

*gobo* · 03-01-2009, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ai

So what was the point in even telling us this?

Just venting my frustration over screwing this up and being unable to even sorta fix it. Feedback wasn't required. I was mostly pissed at myself for breaking this unspoken promise. But, my friend tells me it wasn't a big deal since I was at the wake and didn't intend on this happening.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mino

Sooo... he was supposed to pick you up and drive you there, or something?

I would have gotten a ride with my mother had I woken up before she left.

*Sewer Bull* · 03-01-2009, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gobo

I would have gotten a ride with my mother had I woken up before she left.

There are always cabs.

Peanut · 03-01-2009, 05:17 PM

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Lots of good points that I'll need to take into account, especially her stress, which I know is always through the roof for a lot of different reasons. And assertiveness is always something I try that ends up blowing up in my face. I know these moods aren't time of the month related, because when she's like that, she's actually overly sweet.

She called this morning and, as usual, apologized for about an hour. None of the stuff I've said has been kept in at anytime, I've told her about is several times, but she still gets in these moods. Like I said, it's very rare that she does this, this one just pissed me off so much I really needed to vent on it.

Thanks, guys.

03-01-2009, 05:29 PM

Probably a little late to throw this in, Peanut, but one factor that comes to mind along with what everyone else has said is sleep deprivation. Having regular trouble sleeping can really crank a person's mood. Insomnia and such are notorious for making people cranky and bitchy. I myself have been on and off pills for sleep lately.
Ask her if she's been sleeping well.

*Katie* · 03-01-2009, 05:38 PM

good lord, Peanut.....did you ever step in it.

What you need is a girl to english translator. (I'm allowed to say this because I'm a girl so ladies, don't jump my case) What you have to understand is that things you do that you think are perfectly rational, innocent, and have no ill intentions will invariably be misread by your girl, who thinks in a completely different way than you do.

I learned something once that totally changed how I related to guys. Guys think in straight lines (ie, you say exactly what you mean most of the time) and girls think in circles (meaning we are always trying to interpret the "betwen the lines" meanings of what is said and done.)

You think "big deal...I just talked to you. Now I'm eating and hanging out with family. no big deal...nothing's changed." She thinks: "CRAP. I'm not there to remind him why he likes me so his feelings for me might be changing and that probably explains why family takes precedence...mush mush hormonal meltdown...."

Sound about right?

Guys and girls grow up interacting with their same gender peers more than opposite ones until dating happens. Guys are much more direct with each other than girls are. Girls are always picking up subtle clues to test teh waters. Like....two girls are in the hallway, right? one says nice shoes. How she says it and in what context is MUCH more important to the other girl than what was actually said.

The problem is...unless the girl realizes that the guy does NOT communicate in the same "language" that she does there will always be miscommunication. I personally feel like this is why there are so many problems with marriages today. men and wommen just do not understand how to communicate in an effective way with each other.

blah blah blah...i go on and on.

hit me up with a PM if you want me to continue. I could go on and on.

Peanut · 03-01-2009, 05:39 PM

I know she sleeps terribly when she's away, and she's really bad when she hasn't slept. I've gotten kicked out of bed several times because I've disturbed her in some way.

Either way, all this stuff paints a pretty good picture, we've actually discussed it, and chances are she'll be going to school here next year, anyways. Thank Christ. I can't stand Ottawa, and the thought of going back there next September was depressing me.

*Mecha Cow* · 03-03-2009, 11:49 AM

Mino makes a pretty good point, but yeah, generally speaking it sounds like whatever's bothering her is her problem and not yours. It's good that you've discussed it with her, and hopefully it'll be fine.

Ra · 03-15-2009, 01:15 AM

Okay. My life is a little bit of a train wreck right now. I think I've messed up a friendship, for one, but I'm waiting for a bit before I whine about it.

But for now... I've recently had another stalker.

Yes. I've had one in the past (2007) that I managed to pick up from cosplaying, and now I've got another one in my class. You know the stereotype of the greasy fanboy who lacks even the most basic social skills? Well, take that and add a stalker element to it.

I've been going to TAFE for about a month now. My classes are great, I've adjusted from going to an all-girl's school to an all-male environment, and I'm really riding the wave with what I'm learning. Heck, in our recent weapons assignment, I've received full marks. Unfortunately, ever since week one, there has been this particular fellow who had been watching me from a far. I didn't really like it, but hey, I just naively shook the feeling off as paranoia... well, that changed when he first spoke to me.

Five minutes of talking later and it was clear that he was thinking I was more than just a stranger to him. He was trying to get close to me and keep on talking about whatever floated into his mind, clearly grasping to make this the longest conversation he ever had with anyone. Heck, he kept on droning on when class started. Managed to give him later by darting into the women's restroom, having a gut feeling that this wouldn't be the last time I saw this guy. He then started popping up EVERYWHERE. When I was eating, when I was going to the train, when I was trying to grab tickets for a movie, leaning over my shoulder eating while I was trying to play multiplayer on my DS... You know. The usual things stalkers do when they don't know where you live. Then the guy started touching my goddamn hair as if I was his girlfriend or something. That was definitely the final straw. I told him bluntly that I was uncomfortable and to back off. He backed off... for, what, just the rest of the day?

Being the smart young child I am, I told a few friends. If things got any worse, I was prepared to go to a teacher. I've made different routes to two different train stations in case he follows me, and I've been sure to try and leave class before or after he does. Lately he hasn't done anything much, which is good. I've also seen him hanging around a few other girls who I've befriended in my short time here.

If you are wondering how crazy this guy is, let me tell you a story that I put up on some other forums.

Quote:

It was just one week or so ago. Me and some of my friends were sitting around chatting as per usual. Things were going fine, until guess who runs up? Yeah. Mister Stalker was carrying a white box at the time, and he looked like he was high on... something. Eyes wide and bloodshot, he threw the box down at the table we were sitting at with surprising force.

"HERE." He screams at the top of his lungs. "EAT IT."

He then laughs like a maniac before running off in the direction that he came from.

Now, it is not every day that anyone dumps a box in front of us, screams at us, and then runs away. So it was natural that the small group of us were staring at the thing in silence. The boys were stiff and unmoving, all eyes on me. Fingers twitching, I slowly remove the cake lid and revel the contents: a very mutilated looking chocolate cake. I have no idea if it was eaten, if it's virginity was taken by my stalker, or if he stuffed it full of drugs, but my god, that cake looked like a warning to me. "Please..." I find myself whispering. "Please, no one here be stupid enough to eat that cake." The lot of us murmur in agreement and throw the cake out.

Later when I'm gone to the bathroom, it turns out my stalker showed up again, filled with rage and screaming at my friends. Turns out he was watching from afar, waiting to watch us eat the cake he dumped. Apparently he was full on screaming at the guys before walking away.

I have no idea what was in that cake, but I'm seriously glad no one ate it.

Long story short? I've got a stalker who is a psycho.

The cake story still makes me laugh though.

In a "oh god WTF" way...

*The Stryker* · 03-15-2009, 01:31 AM

Read Kick-Ass already!

Ra · 03-15-2009, 02:29 AM

Once I find a copy I will.

03-01-2009, 01:48 AM	#3161
Voltron Handsomest Boy in School Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: The Realm of SJW Posts: 4,642	Some people are just like that, man. I suppose you have to weigh the pros and cons and see which one wins out. __________________ I AM FOR ACTUAL! . . . and the White Savior. . . and the Right Hand of God. . .

03-01-2009, 01:58 AM	#3162
ThirdMarioBro Tea Time! Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 8,905	God man, you sound like a freaking saint. Sounds like a "that time of the month" fit more than anything else, and certainly doesn't sound like anything you did wrong. __________________

03-01-2009, 02:46 AM	#3164
Tinuvielsdreams Nothing without passion Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 1,722	My thoughts on your situation Peanut fall under something I have been guilty of myself. I know I am way too sensitive at times. A good example of this is when I am trying to handle an undesirable situation. My current relationship may have nothing to do with another problem in my life but because I feel stressed I do not handle things well. Maybe the distance is your gf's undesirable situation and she is taking it out on you? Personally, I really appreciate the little things and I think many of the things you listed having done as a boyfriend are very sweet. Sometimes when a girl is upset she doesn't always recall all those sweet things unfortunately. I hope you can talk to each other about it, communication is the trick even if the other person may not want to hear what they are doing wrong. All you can do is let her know how you feel and you deserve to be able to speak your mind. Give her a moment to vent and calm down and present the issue to her. Make sure you include the phrase "we" and "I" more then "you" so she doesn't get defensive right away. Some of us girls tend to do that Last edited by Tinuvielsdreams; 03-01-2009 at 03:02 AM.

03-01-2009, 03:16 AM	#3165
Spitfire Writer • Director Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 12,035	I used to have a girlfriend who would do that to me. It was because of distanceShe lived 2 hours away and I had no car but it was also because I let her walk all over me and never showed any back bone. I finally lost it and screamed at her once and she knocked it off. I'm not saying that's what your doing but maybe letting her win every argument might be letting her think she can control every aspect of your life because your so nice and back down in arguments. Not saying you should go crazy and yell at her but maybe being more assertive will help her understand she needs to chill out sometimes and you can't always be at her beck and call. __________________ Check out my online portfolio http://www.christopherpelletier.com/

03-01-2009, 05:44 AM	#3166
Ra It's my desire? Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In your pants. Posts: 4,441	I doubt you are doing anything wrong. Maybe there is some sort of stress from school or being away from you where she tries to take it out on you? I mean, any guy who is writing love poems and painting pictures with his girlfriend probably wouldn't be creating any problems. Being inexperienced in love, I don't really know what I could say to help things. But I do second what Dreams said and see if you can talk to her. Better than letting it all continue. Best of luck to you! __________________ "So. The whole lot of you against little old me? How retarded."

03-01-2009, 01:58 AM	#3163
SassyGal Mad Scientist Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: London, Canada Posts: 1,349	Any boyfriend who writes poems and love letters is pretty much the sh*t in my books. Is it possible that she may be feeling stressed by doing the whole long distance/weekend relationship thing while she's at school in Ottawa or has she always been like this? Also, Voltron's right. Some people just start fights because they think there always has to be some kind of drama in their lives and relationships for it to be normal. It sucks, but with all the stuff you do with her and for her, it sounds like she could be one of those people. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you (within reason, of course), but be there for yourself too. You have every right to take 20 minutes to eat and watch tv with your sister. It doesn't make you mean or a jerk and you certainly don't deserve to get yelled at.

03-01-2009, 07:31 AM	#3167
愛 Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 7,449	You're doing a wonderful job. Better than most boyfriends out there. I'd just chalk it up to her being a little nutso. It happens.

03-01-2009, 09:23 AM	#3168
Hannah Once more, with feeling! Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Chicago, IL Posts: 4,111	Bleh, your girlfriend sounds a lot like me. Just tell her what you told us. You need to get things out in the open. You can't let her walk all over you or somewhere down the road you're just gonna explode. __________________

03-01-2009, 11:24 AM	#3169
Cure Y'all need Jesus Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: New Jersey Posts: 8,938	Yeah, homie, pretty much what some others have said, I think you need to be a little more assertive, especially if you know you're right. That might not fix EVERYTHING but it could help. __________________

03-01-2009, 05:17 PM	#3173
Peanut Second Gear Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: The New World Posts: 15,422	Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Lots of good points that I'll need to take into account, especially her stress, which I know is always through the roof for a lot of different reasons. And assertiveness is always something I try that ends up blowing up in my face. I know these moods aren't time of the month related, because when she's like that, she's actually overly sweet. She called this morning and, as usual, apologized for about an hour. None of the stuff I've said has been kept in at anytime, I've told her about is several times, but she still gets in these moods. Like I said, it's very rare that she does this, this one just pissed me off so much I really needed to vent on it. Thanks, guys.

03-01-2009, 05:29 PM	#3174
Ryona Guest Posts: n/a	Probably a little late to throw this in, Peanut, but one factor that comes to mind along with what everyone else has said is sleep deprivation. Having regular trouble sleeping can really crank a person's mood. Insomnia and such are notorious for making people cranky and bitchy. I myself have been on and off pills for sleep lately. Ask her if she's been sleeping well.

03-01-2009, 05:38 PM	#3175
Katie Just...way too serious. Join Date: May 2005 Location: purgatory Posts: 3,519	good lord, Peanut.....did you ever step in it. What you need is a girl to english translator. (I'm allowed to say this because I'm a girl so ladies, don't jump my case) What you have to understand is that things you do that you think are perfectly rational, innocent, and have no ill intentions will invariably be misread by your girl, who thinks in a completely different way than you do. I learned something once that totally changed how I related to guys. Guys think in straight lines (ie, you say exactly what you mean most of the time) and girls think in circles (meaning we are always trying to interpret the "betwen the lines" meanings of what is said and done.) You think "big deal...I just talked to you. Now I'm eating and hanging out with family. no big deal...nothing's changed." She thinks: "CRAP. I'm not there to remind him why he likes me so his feelings for me might be changing and that probably explains why family takes precedence...mush mush hormonal meltdown...." Sound about right? Guys and girls grow up interacting with their same gender peers more than opposite ones until dating happens. Guys are much more direct with each other than girls are. Girls are always picking up subtle clues to test teh waters. Like....two girls are in the hallway, right? one says nice shoes. How she says it and in what context is MUCH more important to the other girl than what was actually said. The problem is...unless the girl realizes that the guy does NOT communicate in the same "language" that she does there will always be miscommunication. I personally feel like this is why there are so many problems with marriages today. men and wommen just do not understand how to communicate in an effective way with each other. blah blah blah...i go on and on. hit me up with a PM if you want me to continue. I could go on and on. __________________ THE WORLD IS JUST AWESOME

03-01-2009, 05:39 PM	#3176
Peanut Second Gear Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: The New World Posts: 15,422	I know she sleeps terribly when she's away, and she's really bad when she hasn't slept. I've gotten kicked out of bed several times because I've disturbed her in some way. Either way, all this stuff paints a pretty good picture, we've actually discussed it, and chances are she'll be going to school here next year, anyways. Thank Christ. I can't stand Ottawa, and the thought of going back there next September was depressing me.

03-03-2009, 11:49 AM	#3177
Mecha Cow Gorgeous and modest too Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 3,699	Mino makes a pretty good point, but yeah, generally speaking it sounds like whatever's bothering her is her problem and not yours. It's good that you've discussed it with her, and hopefully it'll be fine. __________________

03-15-2009, 01:31 AM	#3179
The Stryker Stupid Rich Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Room 237 Posts: 11,152	Read Kick-Ass already! __________________ @~<3 Mom~@

03-15-2009, 02:29 AM	#3180
Ra It's my desire? Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In your pants. Posts: 4,441	Once I find a copy I will. __________________ "So. The whole lot of you against little old me? How retarded."