Personal Confession

[ThirdMarioBro]

I don't know if all of this fits in this forum, but this is where I'm putting it. I need to say these things and I don't know where else to say them. I'm going to do it professional style. Its broken up into two posts.

The proceeding article is editorial content. The views expressed are those of the author and do not neccessarily reflect the official position of the Anyone Else Who gives a fu*k about what this nut is saying.

Okay, maybe not so professional.

I am so damn shallow. I really am. Okay, I'm a writer. To be a writer, you must dig hard to pull the lowest and craziest thoughts from the deepest levels of your subconcious. I've been thinking about the last few years, and suddenly I realize I needed to do a deep personal review on my attitude twords life. Now, it's my job to write things that make other people think about their attitudes twords certain subjects. I try to make people think about themselves and maybe not be quite so damn judgemental twords the things they claim to care about so much. I am guilty. I have been guilty for so long. Guilty of the things I write about, guilty in committing the very actions, sins, and atrocities that I accuse others of in different areas. Let me explain some history for you.

Like many, I was born into the 80's. Decade of crazy hair, whack ass style, moonwalking, break dancing, Nintendo, and Electronica. It was a wonderful time and it ended too soon, but that's besides the point. Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, Michael Jackson, MC Hammer, Hulkamania versus Roddy Piper, Fine Young Cannibals, Vanilla Ice. Some legendary, some slutty, some cheesy, and some just plain stupid. Regardless, it was a great time in my opinion. I may have been young, but you'd be suprised just how alert I was to the world at a yound age and how much I remember. When other kids were watching Seaseme Street, I was listening and learning the words to Time After Time.. Me and that song have a little history. When I was two years old I heard it on my Mother's stereo, I crawled up to it and would lay against the speaker. I didn't understand a word of it, nor did I know anything about the singer or what the words meant. There was some kind of simple beauty and......what would I use to describe it.....perfect elegance and magical aura about it. Every time I heard it play I would run into the room like crazy to get near the stereo. I would run from te table, from the upstairs floor, and once from the potty. My Mom wasn't pleased with that as I left a trail behind me. Hey, I was a little kid I would run to that speaker and sometimes try to chew on the foam covering it, but that song was what drew me there like a beautiful magic whistle lulling me to the point where it was eminating as though I was a mouse and it was the piper. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard then and now. I still cry when I listen to any version of it that Cyndi sings then or now (btw, fu*k you Celine Dion).

When I was five, I could moonwalk. I almost broke my ankle several times trying, but it made me the coolest little bastard in the whole school. That was the year my "badass" uncle on my Mom's side would come to pick me up on occation. Seriously, the guy was big enough to kick Hulk Hogan's ass and rode a Harley everywhere. He lives in Alaska now. Such a badass, yet really kindhearted under all the leather. I miss him. He would come to pick me up on Fridays with the dead bear skin seat on his Harley (yes, he killed that fu*ker when it was trying to raid his ice box) and we'd blast Smooth Criminal all the way home. Wonderful years. Well, years passed and times changed.

When the 90's began, I was a bit older and more cynical, but still me. That was when circumstances around me started to change little by little. My Dad started to not like the fact that we lived in the city (if you can call Little Rock Arkansas a city, but that's a book in itself). He wanted to move us to the southern half of the state so many times but my Mother wouldn't allow it. Thanks heavens, for I have no doubt I would have slit my throught by age 13. He wanted me to grow up in a more "country" setting, surrounded by beer swilling, wife beating, hillbilly hunters. Those were my Uncles. Still are. Pieces of sh8t. Still, that never came to pass and I'm still here. But things got worse. Now, I had left public School by then and was being homeschooled by then because kids at school had begun try to ram broomsticks up my ass. Ghetto city. But my Mom felt I needed to be around people my age. That's when it happened. We went to a private Baptist school three times a week. Now, we blonged to no Church because we thought they were full of sh*t. They wern't there to worship. They were there to judge each other's clothes. If we wanted to talk to God (whatever his real name is), we kept it to ourselves. But to go to this school, we had to walk the walk and talk the talk. So we faked it. We lied our way in and pretended to agree with their docterine bullsh*t while we were there.

>>continued in next post

[ThirdMarioBro]

Now this was fine for a couple of years, but it began to take it's toll on me. I had to pretend to be against all the things I loved to stay in that place. Madonna was a crazy deliver of satan's teachings, Cyndi Lauper was this freaky woman who needed to be excorcized, Michael Jackson needed to be burned at the stake, and Hollywood was the bain of all evils in the world. They started on video games, but I fought them on that and would regularly get in trouble. Privately, I knew this was all bullsh1t. But to fit in, I had to simply suck it up and go with the flow--pretending that I agreed while within it was all I could do to not explode at the shere audicatity of their judgemental bigit-ism. The stress got to be too much. My Mom wouldn't take me out of that school, and as such, I had to make compormises to keep from blowing up. I trained myself to not care. I trained myself to not argue. While I was there, I trained myself to not care about the things I loved simply because I knew it hurt to hear them slam those things, while waving their hands in the air preaching to me that I was a sinner and ********. Did I believe them? Hell no, but little by little, the things I loved began to slip into the back of my mind day by day as I was being programmed without even knowing it. I basically slipped into a Pop Culture Coma. I was a gaming, movie, and music nut for years, but then I just stopped. Being around those fu*kers so long just took my will away from me. You can't imagine what it's like having hundreds of brainwashed minions of sh*t stare at you and talk about you as though you were Satan's spawn because you were caught whisteling the mealody to Billie Jean or the Spice Girls in the later years. When I was young, I didn't care what the lyrics were about. Hell, I loved Like a Virgin when I was a kid even though I had no idea what the fu*k the freaky lady in the Wedding Dress was singing about while she rolled and humped around the stage on Live TV.

Even after we left that place, I wasn't able to get away from that. Some family friends from that place kept in contact with us for years onward and they basically finished the job that school had begun. I didn't even realise what had happened to me. It went on for years like this and I just let it all slip away from me. Sure, every so often a new song or movie would come out and I would enjoy it, but I would subconciously let it just be taken away from me so as to not risk my family's reputation in it's little Social Circle. I had lost a major part of who I was inside and didn't even know it. Sure, there were things that survived on in my mind. Star Wars comes to mind, and various other things I'm too distrught to remember right now, but you get the point I hope. All in all, Nintendo is probobly...no, is the only thing that was never taken away from me either by my own doing, my family's browbeating, or those judgemntal fu*ks that I went to school with. They were my crutch through all of it. Perhaps that's why I lean on them so hard and stay so attached to them through all. It's like everything you loved when you were yound was slowly and subconciously taken away, and Nintendo was that one teddy bear who you were still able to cling to through it all.

Years passed, and now I live in another place. I slowly started to get back into the things I used to love. Music culture, enjoying movies again, and merging that inch by inch with my love of gaming, yet never knowing why the hell I had stopped enjoying them in the first place. Never knowing why I had started bitching about them. I didn't even realize why I had grown a distaste for all of it until not long ago. I finally starting to make sense of it all. A couple of nights ago, that Cyndi Lauper concert was on VH1 Classic, and when I watched it, I completely broke down in the Middle of Time After Time. I collapsed in my room sobbing all night. That song brought it all back. I relived my life all in 30 seconds. I think only Cyndi's voice has the power to do that. That song hit me in the head like a sack of bricks. I remembered everything. I remembered why I had become like this. WHY THE FU*K?!? WHAT THE FU*K HAVE I BECOME? I'm only 21 and I feel like a 50 year old man who's woken up and realised he's wasted his life away. There were so many songs I liked throughout the years, both past and present, so many movies, and so many other things, but I refused to let myself enjoy them. I shunned everything. Hell, maybe even this can trace why I'm so hostile twords Sony and Microsoft if you want to drag that ******** into it.

I feel like I've wasted my life. I just feel defeated and totally empty because I was basically the exact thing in real life that I complain about in other people concerning the gaming world. I hated everything, and for no reason whatsoever other than Brainwashing by others and myself. I feel like a complete bastard.

I am an American music fan, a Japanese music fan, VGM fan, wresteling fan, movie fan, and a hardcore gamer. Don't let people ever tell you that you can't like something. I did, and look at the immature waste I've been since you've all known me. I've been a hate filled dick twords everything. Twords culture, twords the country as a whole, twords gaming, twords everything. I'm a different person now. I'm the person I used to be in the first place again. I'm me now. Thank Heavens for that song. Time after Time broke through my mental ice, woke me up to my true self again, and brought me back to life. Bless you Cyndi Luper. God Bless you.



Now you understand why I put this in the music section. I'm sorry if I bored you to death with my rambeling, but I had to say this to someone who would listen to me.

[ThirdMarioBro]

I'm so damn depressed right now.

[GK Punk]

It's something alot of people go through. You have to learn you can't just hate something for the sake of hating it, or because it doesn't fall in to the Niche that you are suppoused to like.

I was never that way with music, but like one of my guitar heroes (Megadeth's Marty Friedman) I devoloped a real liking for Japanese pop music and rock because it offered something so different, yet similar to Western music.

...Now when I was a teenager, I hated all American toons simply 'cause "The Japanese could do it better"

Yeah, I was a tool

as you go through life, you gotta learn to just like things for the sake of liking them. A good friend of mine, who is quite the headbanger has recently started listening to older hip hop, 'cause he realized it doesn't suck just because it's hip-hop, but it's good because it's good music that he can enjoy. And that goes for everything. Music, Animation, Games, Comics etc.

10 Years ago, I would have Hated Tommy february6's music simply because it's retro 80s style pop, and as a kid who was in to indie rock that just sucks. But I've really grown to love her music because it's catchy, cute and just fun to listen to. (And I don't sit there analyzing it like I do with Rock music. It offers a completley different listening experience.)

Meh, Im getting long winded and cant seem to get my point across very well. I hope you can figure out what I mean by this long winded response

[ThirdMarioBro]

Well said. Thank you. That makes me feel somewhat better

[Barkworm]

There's NO f*cking excuse for that Madonna sig of yours!!!!

"Like a Prayer" is one my favourite songs ever...

[Mecha Cow]

If you ever get depressed just listen to Time After Time or whatever song you like, or play your favorite game or whatever. Just know that it's little sh*t like that that people can't take away and that make life worth living.

[damnhooligan]

Very interesting post, TMB. It really made me sit back and think the songs that I've got strong memories associated with. I think everyone's got a handful of sounds, smells, sights and tastes that can trigger some pretty emotional memories.

I'm pretty sensitive to smell, but I find sound, above all others, can transform you to a different time, a different place, a different you so quickly. It's so easy to get lost in a song, in the sound, in the lyrics. Sometimes they trigger good memories, sometimes bad. Listening to Steely Dan can actually make me sick to my stomach, because my father always played it in the car when I was a kid and I would always get a nasty case of car sickness. A cheesy Bryan Adams song always reminds me of the first time I got my heart broken. Afro Celt Sound System reminds me of a very dark and depressing time in my life, even though I absolutely adore their music. I've thrown away entire CD wallets simply because my memory association with the music was just simply too strong.

So I'm not surprised an eye-opening epiphany about life was sparked by an old song. I'm glad you're starting to feel like you are yourself again, and maybe it'll inspire you to do things you've always wanted to do, go places you always wanted to go, and indulge yourself in all the music/movies/games you always wanted to.

[Jo Dawn]

Also for me, music is the big thing to break through me. Heck, I found a song that just 'hit' me recently, and makes me cry like nothing else, and I've been listening to it the past few nights. Because if I can't express my emotions any other way, well, music helps, you know? Music is very important to me, and always has been. I spent my life thus far involved in playing instruments and singing. Probably the best moment of my entire school career was winning the John Philip Sousa Award (important band award, for those who don't know). Even now, I play or I sing. And I listen.

And now I've rambled. But read on, dearests...

I'm only 21 and I feel like a 50 year old man who's woken up and realised he's wasted his life away.

That is a very familiar feeling to me. It's hard to explain, but... *hugs TMB tightly* I understand what you're going through. Please, IM me, PM me... if you need to talk. I'll always be here to listen.

[Kid Icarus]

Totally know what you mean.

With music, it was always grunge this, indie this. Then it hit me... I did like some of the music I was supposed to hate. That's why you'll find Madonna right next to The Melvins in my case, or some classical orchestrated music by Shonen Knife.

And don't even get me started on my new found love of Techno, which is everything I'm supposed to be against. But hey, some of it's really good, and some of it actually says something.

And it's the same thing with videogames. While I have a general distaste for Sony and Microsoft (no, really?), I can appreciate what games they have. I can also appreciate, now that I know more about the industry and game development, the 3rd parties. I used to *only* buy games by Nintendo, for a Nintendo system. Now, if the game's fun to play, I'll get it. Funny note: I used to hate Nintendo back when the Genesis came out. Yes, I was a SEGA fanboy.

But, TMB, I know what you mean. That's why I consider myself lucky having to switch schools every year... it showed me that just because some people think one thing's popular doesn't mean everyone does. Taught me to find my own intrests. I also had a big 'grown up' spurt lately. I'm looking into 401k's and other stuff to start getting some retirement funds going, I'm getting health insurance from work, going to the gym... basicaly I'm comming of age, finally, and ignoring all the stupid **** my teenage hormones used to tell me. Is it selling out if I won't have to work pointless jobs after 55? I dunno, and honestly, I don't care anymore.

Great movie you might wanna check out is SLC Punk! it deals with this entire notion of realizing that everything you held so close turned out to be wrong.

To keep this attached to music, Nirvana's Nevermind broke my brain, then fixed it so it worked better. To this day, that's still the only CD that I can listen to for days on end and not get tired of it. It also triggered me to learn to play guitar, and to start digging around for the 'good' music. "As long as it sounds good, and has passion..." - Kurt Cobain.

[Hannah]

I HAVE A CONFESSION.



in my music folder, i have a subfolder called misc. it has all my embarrassing music in it.

SUCH AS

avril lavigne
ashlee simpson
bowling for soup
relient k
AND
3 doors down

GASP!

i am such a loser. XD;;