The Joke Thread

[Lil G]

i think we need a thread that will cheer things up when people are having a bad day. so this is a joke thread! what we pretty much do is tell jokes. i dont know if anybody did this before but i thought i might as well try it out. heres the first joke:

three men were waiting to go to heaven. the better you were to your wife the better vehicle you get. so the first guy goes up to the gate. the guy who admits people in asks him how good he was to his wife. he said he loved her a lot, respected her, and never cheated on her. he got a lamborghini. a second guy came up to the gate. the guy who admits people in asks him how good he was to his wife. he said he loved her, respected her a little, and cheated on her a little. he got a beat down mustang. a third guy came up to the gate. the guy who admits people in asked him how good he was to his wife he said he loved her, didnt respect her, and cheated on her a lot. so he got a powerwheel. so then the first guy was riding down on his lamoughini and saw his wife go by on roller blades. i love that one!

[CudleyCowlick]

Oh jeez - do I know any jokes that are anywhere near all-ages appropriate???


Lessee... OH YEAH! BEST JOKE EVER!

So this cow goes to a horse track and bets the fastest horse there that she can win in a one-on-one endurance race.
The horse says "Are you insane, Cow? I'm a champion pedigree! You don't stand a chance!"
So the cow says "We'll see about that, let's go, Horse!"
And so they race, and they go around and around, 5 laps, 10 laps, and the cow starts to lag behind and then drops in exhaustion.
The horse dances around and says "See, Cow? No way you can beat me."
And so the cow ask for another chance, and she goes off and just trains, trains, trains.
When she comes back, they race again.
This time, 5, 10, 15, 20 laps and the cow once more drops in exhaustion.
The horse dances around and says "See, Cow? No way you can beat me."
And the cow asks for one more chance. She goes off and trains, trains, trains, trains, trains, trains, like her life depends on it.
When she comes back, they race for the last time.
This time, 5, 10, 15, 20 laps, and the cow is still going strong. 25, 30, 35, 40 laps, and still the cow is kicking butt. 80 laps and the Horse finally drops DEAD, foaming at the mouth.
So the cow dances wildly and, turning to a dog sitting near the track, she asks "Did you see that Dog? Did you see that? I beat the Horse!"
And the Dog says "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING COW!"

[NightwatchersOnlygirl]

Why did the monk cross the road?

Cos it was the chickens day off

What's yellow a goes slam-slam-slam-slam?

A four door banana!

[Guitar_Raph]

Have you heard about the woman who lost her bank card?

A woman named Dorothy went to the bank & found a variation of an ATM machine, called an NTM machine.

So she placed her bank debit card into the NTM machine. When she tried to make a transaction, the money wouldn't come out & neither did her card.

She cried, "I can't get my card out! Thieves! I'm frightened, NTM. Give it back, give it back!"

Just then, an evil teller appears on the screen & says...

"NTM, NTM, come back! I'll give you NTM, my pretty!" (Cackling)!

[Bigfoot]

3 guys walk into a bar... the 4th one ducks...


LOL

[Jester]

Blast you Bigfoot.... But I've always heard it, 3 blonds walk into a bar, you think one of them would have seen it.

Ok...here's an old one:
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are standing in a field with a huge sack of money and are trying to decide how much to give to charity.
The rabbi says, "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money way up in the air and what ever lands inside the circle, that's what we give to charity."
The priest says, "No! We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money way up in the air and what ever lands outside the circle, that's what we give to charity."
The minister says, "No! We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he can keep."

Ahhhh....Short Circuit.

[Bigfoot]

< Starts running around

More input! More input!

[Evenstar227]

I am lousy with jokes, so I memorize one at a time and use it for a while before moving on. My current one is:

What do you call a clairvoyant midget that just escaped from prison?

Spoiler:

A small medium at large.

Jester, your joke reminds me of the one I heard earlier this year (am going from memory, so it might not be 100% accurate):

Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were in a plane, en route to a debate. Obama says, "You know, I could toss a $1,000 bill out the window and make one person extremely happy." Clinton, not to be outdone, says, "I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy." McCain responds, "I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make one hundred people happy!" The pilot, overhearing the conversation, leans over to the copilot and says, "I could toss the three of them out the window and make 300 million people happy."

[Lil G]

i just learned two. but ill do the one that i think is more funny first.

there was a bear chasing a rabbit. the rabbit tripped over a turtle on the road. then the bear tripped over the turtle. the turtles called to them saying "if you two stop running i will give you two wished each!" so they stopped in their tracks. the turtle asked who goes first. the bear went first. he wished he was bigger and muscular. so he grew bigger and more muscular within seconds. the rabbit went next. he wished he had a motorcycle. so a motorcycle appeared out of nowhere. then the bear went next again, for his last wish. he wished all of the other bears in the world were girls. the rabbit then hopped on the motorcycle, started the engine and said, " i wish the bear was gay!"

that ones a classic.

[KROW]

A proctologist was going through the motions one day when he received a very difficult patient. Things were just going haywire, causing the doctor to constantly take rectal temperatures and mark them on the patient's chart. This went on for about an hour until the patient's temperature finally stabilized. He finished his work with the patient and left.

The proctologist then got paged to another room. While walking down the hall, he reached into his front pocket to mark an extra statistic on the previous patient's chart and pulled forth a thermometer. "Dammit..." he muttered, to which a nearby nurse asked, "What's the matter, doctor?" The proctologist looked at her and said, "Some asshole walked off with my pencil!"

[Archon_Turtle]

What's brown and sticky?

...








A STICK!

[KROW]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing Mozart's 21st concerto.

"Where on earth did you get that?" asks the bartender, incredulous.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp. Suddenly, a gust of smoke wafts from the spout and a wondrous genie forms from the mist. It towers before him and says in a bellowing voice, "I will grant you one wish -- just ONE wish. Each person is allowed only one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitation he says, "I want a million bucks!" The genie raises his arms, breathes in deeply, claps his hands, creating a very sharp sound like the crack of a whip, then disappears.

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another, and another, until pretty soon the entire bar is filled with ducks. Yet they keep coming!

The bartender nonchalantly turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The man scoffs and says, "Tell me about it! Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?!"

[Lil G]

Originally Posted by KROW

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing Mozart's 21st concerto.

"Where on earth did you get that?" asks the bartender, incredulous.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp. Suddenly, a gust of smoke wafts from the spout and a wondrous genie forms from the mist. It towers before him and says in a bellowing voice, "I will grant you one wish -- just ONE wish. Each person is allowed only one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitation he says, "I want a million bucks!" The genie raises his arms, breathes in deeply, claps his hands, creating a very sharp sound like the crack of a whip, then disappears.

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another, and another, until pretty soon the entire bar is filled with ducks. Yet they keep coming!

The bartender nonchalantly turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The man scoffs and says, "Tell me about it! Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?!"

i wanted a 12 inch pianistbut instead he gave me a 12 inch penis!

[KROW]

Originally Posted by Lil G

i wanted a 12 inch pianistbut instead he gave me a 12 inch penis!

And you're crying about it? Not everyone should live up to their username, ya know.

[Lil G]

Originally Posted by KROW

And you're crying about it? Not everyone should live up to their username, ya know.

that was a good joke right there. well, i bet you live up to your username.

[Bigfoot]

Whats better than roses on a piano?

Spoiler:

Tulips on my organ.

[cMac44111]

hmm ok here's one of my favorites.

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten
apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or youll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The
second one replied, I couldnt help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples.

[XERO]

How did the Grim Reaper die?






He touched himself.

*rimshot*

[The Stryker]

How do you get Chris Benoit to stop hanging around your house?

Cut him down.

[Lil G]

Originally Posted by cMac44111

hmm ok here's one of my favorites.

oh... my... god... cant... stop... laughing... hysterically... BLAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. omg that was hilarious!