Got Any Jokes??

*Lethal Lullaby* · 02-05-2013, 07:56 PM

Well. Do you?? Feel free to add your favorites here.

I can't think of any at this moment besides this one I heard from a friend (which I posted in Chatter)

"If you have a bladder infection,
Then urine trouble."

**Jester** · 02-05-2013, 07:58 PM

What nationality are you when you have to pee?
You're a Russian.

What nationality are you when you get to the restroom?
European.

*ToTheNines* · 02-05-2013, 08:18 PM

What did Tennessee?

Same thing Arkansas!

*Guitar_Raph* · 02-05-2013, 08:44 PM

I once heard this joke on both Hee Haw & The Gong Show. Roy Clark & The Unknown Comic were the joke tellers & Archie Campbell & Chuck Barris were the straight men.

"Hey, I'm doing a taste test here. Can you tell me what this is?"

The other person takes a drink & immediately spits it out!

"That's gasoline!"

"I know, but is it regular or premium?" (LOL)

*gobo* · 02-05-2013, 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jester

What nationality are you when you get to the restroom?
European.

EUROPE ISN'T A NATION!

*Voltron* · 02-06-2013, 07:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 19thCenturyGhost

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Spoiler:

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A horse jumped in a puddle of mud.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
I just took a shower.

These aren't jokes. Jokes are supposed to offer humor of some kind. This is like a doctor offering someone medicine, and then just standing there staring at the patient, waiting for them to get better.

I feel cheated. It took seconds of my life to read this, and I'll never have those back. In a way, you kind of murdered me. You kind of murdered us all.

Just because we aren't dead doesn't mean we all haven't died inside, even if just a little bit.

On top of that, you robbed us. You promised us mirth and gave none, whilst at the same time brutishly grabbing the joy of our anticipation right from our bosom. You, with sickly grin stretched upon your gray and hateful face forced your hand through our chest and, like a burglar, took what was good and sweet and left only want in our hearts. It is akin to rape, this deed.

Why, now the sun rises cold on our days. The sweet water no longer quenches parched lips! Food becomes bland upon our tongues, and our stomachs never hunger yet never full give no rapture in mastication.

DO YOU SEE, sir? DO YOU KNOW? Graves offer sweet embrace to the dead, but not to us! We walk damned in the noise of these "jokes." The misdirection of these words lead only to Hell! To fates worse than death! The angels cry! The devil gnashes his teeth with this torment unknown to Perdition!

From hence forth, we shall never speak of this travesty again. . . lest the Lord find reason to end this story He has written. . . lest the world stop and die. . .

*Lethal Lullaby* · 02-06-2013, 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Voltron

These aren't jokes. Jokes are supposed to offer humor of some kind. This is like a doctor offering someone medicine, and then just standing there staring at the patient, waiting for them to get better.

I feel cheated. It took seconds of my life to read this, and I'll never have those back. In a way, you kind of murdered me. You kind of murdered us all.

Just because we aren't dead doesn't mean we all haven't died inside, even if just a little bit.

On top of that, you robbed us. You promised us mirth and gave none, whilst at the same time brutishly grabbing the joy of our anticipation right from our bosom. You, with sickly grin stretched upon your gray and hateful face forced your hand through our chest and, like a burglar, took what was good and sweet and left only want in our hearts. It is akin to rape, this deed.

Why, now the sun rises cold on our days. The sweet water no longer quenches parched lips! Food becomes bland upon our tongues, and our stomachs never hunger yet never full give no rapture in mastication.

DO YOU SEE, sir? DO YOU KNOW? Graves offer sweet embrace to the dead, but not to us! We walk damned in the noise of these "jokes." The misdirection of these words lead only to Hell! To fates worse than death! The angels cry! The devil gnashes his teeth with this torment unknown to Perdition!

From hence forth, we shall never speak of this travesty again. . . lest the Lord find reason to end this story He has written. . . lest the world stop and die. . .

meh. Sorry.

Yeah I know I suck at this whole joke telling thing.

I just wanted to see if anybody got any good ones. You know, cause laughter is the best medicine. (Not to mention that I was bored) so *slowly backs away with hands up*

Spoiler:

*AT-Man* · 02-06-2013, 07:58 PM

Pyramid Head: knock knock!
Nurse: Who's there?
Pyramid Head: Lettuce.
Nurse: Lettuce who?
Pyramid Head: Lettuce in.
Nurse: *opens the door* dohohohoho!
she was violently raped to death

*Voltron* · 02-06-2013, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 19thCenturyGhost

meh. Sorry.

Yeah I know I suck at this whole joke telling thing.

I just wanted to see if anybody got any good ones. You know, cause laughter is the best medicine. (Not to mention that I was bored) so *slowly backs away with hands up*

Spoiler:

No, it was sarcasm for the most part. They were awful jokes, though. I wish you didn't delete them in embarrassment.

*Lethal Lullaby* · 02-06-2013, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Voltron

No, it was sarcasm for the most part. They were awful jokes, though. I wish you didn't delete them in embarrassment.

Well. I feel less confused now.

most of time it's things I say or text my friends that they find funny. (Not those dead jokes from earlier. 2 were from my brother. One from a teacher.) But I don't want to really say much here. Since most of you are grown ups. And probably won't find my randomness all too hilarious. I will put something I would randomly say just as like a teaser.

Spoiler:

joefsas · 02-07-2013, 02:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AT-Man

Pyramid Head: knock knock!
Nurse: Who's there?
Pyramid Head: Lettuce.
Nurse: Lettuce who?
Pyramid Head: Lettuce in.
Nurse: *opens the door* dohohohoho!
she was violently raped to death

WTF!!!

*Lethal Lullaby* · 02-07-2013, 05:44 AM

Well aware that this isn't a joke, but I find these lyrics amusing. (Maybe I should have called this the Comedy Thread?)

Quote:

Hey I thought we had an interview with DJ Clue
([Em:] No I had an interview not you two)
You gonna be late for soundcheck
Man I ain't goin' to soundcheck
But our mics are screwed up and his always sound best
You know what man I'ma say something
Hey yo Em
([Em:] You got something to say?!)
Man no
I thought you bout to tell him off, what's up
Man I'ma tell him when I feel likeit, man shut up

**Jester** · 02-07-2013, 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 19thCenturyGhost

Well aware that this isn't a joke, but I find these lyrics amusing. (Maybe I should have called this the Comedy Thread?)

How are those funny/amusing?

*BubblyShell22* · 02-07-2013, 08:20 AM

They didn't make me laugh.

Here's my joke:

There was a girl who was on her way to school, and she met another girl. The second girl said, "Hello, my name's Mary. What's your name?"

"Happy Butt," the first girl replied.

"Come on, you have to have a real name," said Mary. "Now, what is it?"

"Happy Butt," the other girl answered.

The two girls went to school, and the teacher was taking down names for the record. She approached the girl and asked for her name.

"Happy Butt," the girl responded.

"You must have a real name," the teacher told her. "Now, what is it?"

"Happy Butt," the girl answered.

"Either tell us your real name, or we're going to the principal's office," the teacher commanded.

"Happy Butt," the girl responded.

So they took her down to the principal who asked her name, and she responded with, "Happy Butt." The principal then asked to speak to the parents and wanted to know their phone number, so the girl gave it to him. He talked with the parents and then faced the girl.

"Your parents tell me your name is Gladys," he said.

"Glad Ass, Happy Butt, same thing," the girl said.

2222

Another joke:

What did the baby corn ask the mom corn?

"Where's pop corn?"

Why was the chicken arrested?

Because he was suspected of fowl play.

Why was the bluejay arrested?

Because he was caught jaywalking.

**Jester** · 02-07-2013, 08:38 AM

2 blondes walk into a bar.

You think one of them would have seen it...

Type 97 Chi-ha · 02-07-2013, 08:53 AM

"Eat your Wheaties, Johnny, you have to go to school!"

"But I don't want to go to school!"

"You know you have to go to school, Johnny!"

"But really, I don't want to. The kids don't like me, the teachers don't like me. Why should I have to go to school?"

"Well, here are two reasons. First, you're 42 years old. And second, you're the principal."

*AT-Man* · 02-07-2013, 09:27 AM

Pyramid Head walks in to a bar.
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
There were no survivors.

*AT-Man* · 02-07-2013, 09:37 AM

What do you get when you cross an octopus and the Abyss?

I don't know, but it's damn good at staring back at you!

*Lethal Lullaby* · 02-07-2013, 11:12 AM

Um.

Here's my attemp at another one. (a simple

'BOO!' will do if you hate it. Thank you very much

oh and please don't come in here with a chainsaw and try cutting off my head.

)

Dude One: And what do you learn from "Cinnamon Toast Crunch"?
Other Guy:

That cannibalism is OKAY!
Dude One: *_*

(Okay that sucked.

Oh well. )

**Jester** · 02-07-2013, 11:28 AM

You're trying to hard NCG.

02-05-2013, 07:56 PM	#1
Lethal Lullaby Foot Elite Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 4,816	Got Any Jokes?? Well. Do you?? Feel free to add your favorites here. I can't think of any at this moment besides this one I heard from a friend (which I posted in Chatter) "If you have a bladder infection, Then urine trouble."

02-05-2013, 07:58 PM	#2
Jester Rat-faced Dude-guy Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Arkansas Posts: 26,296	What nationality are you when you have to pee? You're a Russian. What nationality are you when you get to the restroom? European. __________________ "Clearly, you're Ninja Turtling incorrectly." - Leo656

02-05-2013, 08:44 PM	#4
Guitar_Raph Superhero musician Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Dallas, Texas Posts: 2,191	I once heard this joke on both Hee Haw & The Gong Show. Roy Clark & The Unknown Comic were the joke tellers & Archie Campbell & Chuck Barris were the straight men. "Hey, I'm doing a taste test here. Can you tell me what this is?" The other person takes a drink & immediately spits it out! "That's gasoline!" "I know, but is it regular or premium?" (LOL) __________________ Mikey drums with nunchucks!

02-06-2013, 07:58 PM	#8
AT-Man I SEEN IT Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: FIN Posts: 2,206	Pyramid Head: knock knock! Nurse: Who's there? Pyramid Head: Lettuce. Nurse: Lettuce who? Pyramid Head: Lettuce in. Nurse: opens the door dohohohoho! she was violently raped to death __________________ Through the Golden Door

02-07-2013, 08:20 AM	#14
BubblyShell22 Leo-holic Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Indiana Posts: 16,912	They didn't make me laugh. Here's my joke: There was a girl who was on her way to school, and she met another girl. The second girl said, "Hello, my name's Mary. What's your name?" "Happy Butt," the first girl replied. "Come on, you have to have a real name," said Mary. "Now, what is it?" "Happy Butt," the other girl answered. The two girls went to school, and the teacher was taking down names for the record. She approached the girl and asked for her name. "Happy Butt," the girl responded. "You must have a real name," the teacher told her. "Now, what is it?" "Happy Butt," the girl answered. "Either tell us your real name, or we're going to the principal's office," the teacher commanded. "Happy Butt," the girl responded. So they took her down to the principal who asked her name, and she responded with, "Happy Butt." The principal then asked to speak to the parents and wanted to know their phone number, so the girl gave it to him. He talked with the parents and then faced the girl. "Your parents tell me your name is Gladys," he said. "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, same thing," the girl said. 2222 Another joke: What did the baby corn ask the mom corn? "Where's pop corn?" Why was the chicken arrested? Because he was suspected of fowl play. Why was the bluejay arrested? Because he was caught jaywalking. __________________ "A warrior who never fails, never learns."-The Ancient One. "Embrace your inner a**holiness."-Mr. Anderson.

02-05-2013, 08:18 PM	#3
ToTheNines Col. Stinkmeaner Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 19,226	What did Tennessee? Same thing Arkansas!

02-07-2013, 08:38 AM	#15
Jester Rat-faced Dude-guy Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Arkansas Posts: 26,296	2 blondes walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it... __________________ "Clearly, you're Ninja Turtling incorrectly." - Leo656

02-07-2013, 08:53 AM	#16
Type 97 Chi-ha Mad Scientist Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Brookfield, IL Posts: 1,333	"Eat your Wheaties, Johnny, you have to go to school!" "But I don't want to go to school!" "You know you have to go to school, Johnny!" "But really, I don't want to. The kids don't like me, the teachers don't like me. Why should I have to go to school?" "Well, here are two reasons. First, you're 42 years old. And second, you're the principal."

02-07-2013, 09:27 AM	#17
AT-Man I SEEN IT Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: FIN Posts: 2,206	Pyramid Head walks in to a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?" There were no survivors. __________________ Through the Golden Door

02-07-2013, 09:37 AM	#18
AT-Man I SEEN IT Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: FIN Posts: 2,206	What do you get when you cross an octopus and the Abyss? I don't know, but it's damn good at staring back at you! __________________ Through the Golden Door

02-07-2013, 11:12 AM	#19
Lethal Lullaby Foot Elite Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 4,816	Um. Here's my attemp at another one. (a simple 'BOO!' will do if you hate it. Thank you very much oh and please don't come in here with a chainsaw and try cutting off my head. ) Dude One: And what do you learn from "Cinnamon Toast Crunch"? Other Guy: That cannibalism is OKAY! Dude One: _ (Okay that sucked. Oh well. ) Last edited by Lethal Lullaby; 02-07-2013 at 11:19 AM.

02-07-2013, 11:28 AM	#20
Jester Rat-faced Dude-guy Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Arkansas Posts: 26,296	You're trying to hard NCG. __________________ "Clearly, you're Ninja Turtling incorrectly." - Leo656