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06-22-2013, 06:50 PM
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#1 |
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Banned
 Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,639
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Turtle without a name
Police sirens breaks the silence of the night , the sound of the fast footsteps echoes through the rooftops, they jump over between the alley and disappear into the night. down below a shadowy figure stumbles through the dark, he is running from someone, he quickly jumps into a first dumpster, he covers himself with garbage bags, slows down his breathing, and lies deadly still. Three guys armed with baseball bats run after him into the alley
-where did that freak go? I can’t see ****! -he couldn’t haven gotten far, split and search., Rock, go left, bebop go to the end, block the exit… He lies in the dumpster for what seems to be an eternity, he hears mumbling, kicking through the trash bags and hitting of the baseball bats against the wall… where are you? come out and and we wont hurt you, much! Yells one of them.... -anything there B? -nothing! footsteps get closer to the dumpster, one of them opens it, his heart starts beating faster and and panic takes over his body, he struggles to keep himself from shaking.. -how am i suppose to find anything in this darkness? One of them opens the dumpster, moves the bags with his bat but finds nothing… -found anything there rock? -seems that ****er got away, yells the one who was guarding the exit… -no **** Sherlock! -Nothing hear replies rock… -****, he yells out loud and slums the dumpster with his bat so hard that the sound wakes up fat man who is living a window about the alley, he turns his light, opens window on and yells out loud… -HEY! What’s going on out there? You better scram before i call the cops… -shut up you fat pig or we’ll come there and shut you up.. The man retreats to his apartment and mumbles to himself -god damn hooligans! -I heard that yells rock to him… -lets go, freak has to show up somewhere sooner or later… He lies still for a long time, can’t risk it, he’s got to be sure, hears thunder outside, the rain is coming… Metallic sound of raindrops hitting the dumpster cover gives him relief, slowly he gets out, thunder enlightens his green face full of cuts and bruises. He pulls his hood over his head and proceeds down the street, voices, he stops and gets close to the the wall, peaks his head around the corner, just three hobos around the barrel fire, talking. -you heard what happened to bobby? -no, haven’t seen him for some time, what happened? -so listen to this, some guy was roughing him, he thought bobby stole some ****, or something, but that’s not important, so the guy throws him to the ground, getting ready to pound him into the dirt when from the roof jumped these four giant turtles, they pull the guy onto the roof and vanish without a trace. -and you believe him? sounds like ol’ bobby’s been hittin’ the bottle again, remember when he swore up and down he saw a giant alligator getting out of the sewer? -I don’t know man, he looked pretty serious… The third hobo who was listening, starts talking. -I don’t know about Bobby, but a lots of folks are saying they are seeing a lot of weird things in the alleys this days, strange men in black masks , something’s definitely goin’ on… -I dunno know, that sounds like a bunch of baloney to me… He pulls back from the wall, looks into his hands and says quietly to himself, -turtles? Last edited by electric_sheep; 04-07-2014 at 06:09 AM. |
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06-22-2013, 07:40 PM
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#2 |
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Stone Warrior
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 698
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You're off to a good start man. Keep at it!
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06-23-2013, 09:31 AM
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#3 |
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,639
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He leans to a wall again to hear what they are saying
-so where bobby now? -probably lying somewhere drunk off his ass… -nah, I heard he’s hiding in the old church, heard he quit drinking. -yeah, that will ever happen… He steps away and accidentally kicks the can that was lying behind his feet -WHO’S THERE? He runs away into the darkness… -it’s probably just a dog, or some god damn junkie, let it go… Sneaking through the dark alleys and hiding in the shadows he arrives in front of the old abandoned church. Once majestic and grand, now abandoned, ruined and covered in tall grass, he steps toward the door and pushes them with both hands, they open with loud screech, he steeps inside, moonlight casts a long shadow towards the altar -GO AWAY! Someone yells with high pitched voice, he steps to the first row and finds an old man with the long white beard hiding on the floor.. -go away, leave me alone, Says old man quietly… -I am not going too hurt you, I just need to ask you something… -I don’t have anything to tell you, just leave me alone, please… -what did you saw? -old man looks with wide eyes into his face -you….you…you are one of them? -one of who, what did you see? tell me! -you, you are a turtle… -NO, I am a fricking horse! Tell me everything… -you’ve come to kill me? -I am not going to kill, I just need to know what you saw, tell me, please… - OH dear god don’t let this demon take me, save me please! He grabs him by the jacked and picks him of the floor -listen Bobby, right? I am not going to hurt you, I just need help -how do I know you are not lying? -if I where lying you would be done already, I need you to help me.. -wha. what, what do you need? -i need you to take me where you saw the others like me… -a..a..a..and you wont hurt me? -I wont hurt you, I promise! Last edited by electric_sheep; 06-23-2013 at 09:50 AM. |
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06-23-2013, 07:27 PM
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#4 |
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,639
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Thunder outside, rain starts pouring faster.
-I will take you there, but we should wait for the rain to stop first... -alright, I will doze off for a while, didn’t have a good sleep in days, wake me up when the rain stops, and don’t try anything funny, and don’t run! -run? On this weather, I would rather risk it with you… -alright, just keep quiet… He goes onto one of the seats close to the wall.. -hey, throw me that old rag there in the corner, Bobby grabs it and throws it to him, he rolls it into a pillow and puts it under his head -good night, he closes his eyes and quickly falls into a hard sleep, outside rain is pouring like the sky is broke… Bobby makes a cross sign with his hand towards him and than quietly sits in the corner, he grabs one of the bottles that was lying there, tries to drink from it but it is empty… two hours later, the rain starts slowing down... -hey man, wake up, wake up.... -(yawn), what, you are still here, how long has it been? -I don’t know, couple of hours I guess, c’mon, we have to go… -the rain stopped? -it stills drips a little, but nothing terrible… He gets up and rubs is eyes… -lets go... They leave the church and head toward the alley… -so what are you? I mean I know you are a turtle, but, you know what I mean… -i have no idea… -what’s your name? -I have no idea… -you kept talking in your sleep… -just a stupid nightmare… |
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06-25-2013, 06:58 PM
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#5 |
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,639
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They take a turn into the darkest part of the street and they find themselves into a dead end…
-here, it was here, they jumped of that building there, bobby points his finger onto top of building… -yeah, I was lying right there where you are standing now. -you sure they where just like me, you are not just pulling my nose? -you have no nose man.. -Snout, you know what I mean, don’t **** with me… -Yes, yes they where just like you, only nakeder and had weapons… so what are you gonna do now? -I have no idea, I’ll just wait and hope they show up, I guess… -need some company? I kind of have nowhere to be now… He walks to the huge brick wall and sits down back leaned against the wall… -sure Bobby walks to him and sits besides him… -so what are you going to do if you find them? -I really don’t know , I have a lot of questions, maybe they have some answers… -yeah… They sit there, staring into darkness, silence is creeping in… -So, why was that guy beating you? He breaks the silence … -stole some money… -mans got to eat… -and drink.. -yeah… -man, can that guy hit… -I know the feeling.. -yeah… Loud sound of trash can turning over stops their heart in the tract, expression of utter terror on their faces.. -what, what was that? Bobby says, his voice shivers… A gray cat walks in front of them, bobby grabs a rock and swiftly throws it, hits her in the backs, cat shrieks loudly and runs away.. -GOD DAMN CAT, IT ALMOST GAVE ME A STROKE!! He sits down again… -I think you killed it… -nah, but it will remember me… -so, what’s your story? -what do you mean? -how did you end up here? -uh, funny story, It was many years ago, I came back from work, found my wife with neighbourg in the bed….so I grab my gun I unload it towards them.... and miss every single ****ing time…so he grabs me, beats the living **** out of me and throws me out, I wind up in a prison for 10 years for attempted murder, when I walked out I had nowhere to go, I grabbed the bottle and here I am… -that’s harsh man… |
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06-26-2013, 03:11 AM
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#6 |
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Mad Scientist
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,371
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No offense, but you really got to work on the dialogue aspect of your story. You have to put in the names of who is speaking before each hyphen, otherwise your readers are going to be clueless as to who is speaking, especially with three or more people.
(There's nothing more frustrating to a reader, then being confused over who is speaking and trying to decipher that.) Try reading some other fanfics and take note of their format (both the characters' dialogue and description of the scene). It could substantially help to improve your writing. Hope things work out. 
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06-26-2013, 06:06 AM
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#7 | |
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,639
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Quote:
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07-07-2013, 02:45 PM
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#8 |
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,639
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I am not going to finish this, but i can give you some of the details. Basically i had Hugo, the turtle who had wondered off when they mutated he was the main character. Hamato Yoshi was a ninja master back in japan much like a Mai Pei from kill bill, but as he gotten old he gotten soft. One of his students challenged him on that. Oroku Nagi chalenged him to a fight to the death, Hamato killed him, but his brother Oroku Saki wanted revenge, Saki retailed. He and his lackeys attacked at sleep, they killed Hamato's 3 sons, Hamato's wife, they burned down his house. Hamato managed to get away, he was broken, humiliated. Saki vowed to find him where ever he was, Hamato managed to run to America, where he got job as a janitor at a lab. He took name Splinter to hide his identity, but one night the foot found him, they had a fight at he lab, they stabbed Hamato but in the heat of the battle they broke canister of ooze and the turtles cage, the foot left splinter, they believed he was dead. But the ooze healed him and it also mutated him that's when Hugo wondered off, when splinter woke up he found only four of them. Instead of reincarnation turtles are spiritual successors to his sons. Hugo would have been a very damaged turtle, afraid of people, because of the way the treated him he hid in the shadows, he wasn't a martial artist, and he didn't wear a bandana. There was a lot more going on, but that's basically it...
Last edited by electric_sheep; 03-28-2014 at 03:09 PM. |
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07-07-2013, 04:21 PM
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#9 |
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,639
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03-28-2014, 04:42 PM
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#10 |
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,639
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any way i can change a thread name?
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03-28-2014, 05:40 PM
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#11 |
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Hench Mutant
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Panama City Beach
Posts: 474
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just read it pretty cool.
PS just read the date of this LOL, its old. You got any concept art for your characters?
__________________
"Whats the most you've ever lost on a coin toss?" "you have meddeled with the primal forces of nature Mr. Beale" |
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03-28-2014, 06:10 PM
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#12 | |
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,639
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just the one that's already there, i thought it wasn't really good so i quit. But thank you
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03-28-2014, 06:15 PM
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#13 | |
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Hench Mutant
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Panama City Beach
Posts: 474
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Quote:
__________________
"Whats the most you've ever lost on a coin toss?" "you have meddeled with the primal forces of nature Mr. Beale" |
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03-28-2014, 06:36 PM
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#14 | |
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,639
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Quote:
Last edited by electric_sheep; 03-28-2014 at 08:20 PM. |
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05-09-2014, 05:43 AM
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#15 |
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Banned
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,639
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a fistfull of ooze
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Linear Mode
