Dear Alcohol

Moomintroll · 07-02-2003, 11:56 AM

Ok, i thought this was priceless, my friend just forwarded that to me

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.

6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair you do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

(the above are reasons why I do not drink

)
edit: the word cocktail got censord! LOLOLOLOL

*Raven* · 07-02-2003, 12:27 PM

ok thats nice.............

*Skeletoncrew* · 07-02-2003, 03:28 PM

Sweet!

Personally I don't have most of those problems listed. I love getting a good buzz on, but I don't let myself get drunk enough to do people I don't want to, or to have a hangover. Alcohol is my friend!

**Karpo_007** · 07-02-2003, 03:31 PM

Younger I used to get quite drunk... But luckily with age comes more sense too.

*That Matt Guy* · 07-02-2003, 03:57 PM

Agreed. I usually down a few beers to get a good buzz.

Moomintroll · 07-02-2003, 03:59 PM

Since I don't ever drink any more, it's funny to read because the friend that sent it is the lush one and I have taken care of her drunk butt before doing those things.

*Skeletoncrew* · 07-02-2003, 04:06 PM

I think the best argument against exessive drinking is the "boners" section of rotten.com. Many of the most humiliating photos there are directly related to the consumption of great quantities of alcohol.

*Raven* · 07-02-2003, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skeletoncrew

"boners"

I just ah never mind that just sound out place............

~~Leo656~~ · 07-02-2003, 05:44 PM

I don't drink as often as I imply, usualy just a beer or two after work or a six on weekends. I have actually been drinking my entire life, however. My mom was a huge alcoholic, so I was literally drinking in the womb. Then when I was a baby she'd give me bottles of Lowenbrau to keep me quiet and make me sleepy. It's probably a miracle I'm not some big-time alcoholic.

Meanwhile, I love beer and she loves me. Whether her name be Budweiser, Coors, Red Dog, Heineken, Guinness, Natural Ice, Old Milwuakee, Michelob or even Pabst Blue Ribbon, she's always there when I need her to be, and she never talks back.

~~Reznorite420~~ · 07-02-2003, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moomintroll

c**ktail

Why the asterisks?

EDIT: Ah, another flaw in the profanity filter...

**HorseTechie** · 07-03-2003, 12:43 PM

*lol* Doncha love that thing?

Anyhoo... yeah, I don't mind drinking for the occasinal buzz, but since I really, really don't like to puke, I never have gotten drunk.

~~Leo656~~ · 07-03-2003, 01:43 PM

I only puked once when I drank about ten beers in two hours which is way more than usual for me.

*That Matt Guy* · 07-03-2003, 02:18 PM

Man what a light weight. I had around 16 beers in 2 hours once, and I still didn't puke or pass out.

~~Leo656~~ · 07-03-2003, 02:26 PM

Told ya I dont drink that much. I had about 14 in two hours way back when I was 12 or so but I drank a lot more back then.

I think the night I threw up I was also on some kind of medication, can't really remember. I was really depressed that's all I remember.

*Kid Icarus* · 07-03-2003, 03:35 PM

i'm 17, and i still haven't had any alcohol

. Pry good for me though, cause I knew people in highschool that started working just so they could get booze... i'd rather dump my money on comics and toys, but thats cause im a looser

.

*Skeletoncrew* · 07-03-2003, 03:46 PM

You're not a loser! Comics and toys will last MUCH longer than a bottle of booze. Won't damage your liver either and are far less likely to cause an accident.

*Kid Icarus* · 07-03-2003, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skeletoncrew

You're not a loser! Comics and toys will last MUCH longer than a bottle of booze. Won't damage your liver either and are far less likely to cause an accident.

Unless you can see cause you've stuck the new leo fig on your windshield

.

~~Reznorite420~~ · 07-03-2003, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matthew138

Man what a light weight. I had around 16 beers in 2 hours once, and I still didn't puke or pass out.

There are places for people like you

Peanut · 07-03-2003, 06:33 PM

Yeah! Like Canada!

~~Reznorite420~~ · 07-03-2003, 06:33 PM

I was thinking more along the lines of "de-tox chamber".

07-02-2003, 11:56 AM	#1
Moomintroll Stone Warrior Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Somewhere between being and becoming... Posts: 878	Dear Alcohol Ok, i thought this was priceless, my friend just forwarded that to me Dear Alcohol, First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review. 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am. 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. 5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. 6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair you do your part, I'll do mine. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan (the above are reasons why I do not drink ) edit: the word cocktail got censord! LOLOLOLOL __________________ Want to go out for lunch some evening? Peter Parker to Mary Jane, Spiderman

07-02-2003, 12:27 PM	#2
Raven follower of Jesus Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 6,212	ok thats nice............. __________________ TMNT Future Despair Deviant Offical Ultimate Ninja Turtles Site!

07-02-2003, 03:28 PM	#3
Skeletoncrew Foot Elite Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Bearing in on your spicy brains Posts: 3,275	Sweet! Personally I don't have most of those problems listed. I love getting a good buzz on, but I don't let myself get drunk enough to do people I don't want to, or to have a hangover. Alcohol is my friend! __________________ Adult TMNT fan art and fiction contest Now accepting entries!

07-02-2003, 03:59 PM	#6
Moomintroll Stone Warrior Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Somewhere between being and becoming... Posts: 878	Since I don't ever drink any more, it's funny to read because the friend that sent it is the lush one and I have taken care of her drunk butt before doing those things. __________________ Want to go out for lunch some evening? Peter Parker to Mary Jane, Spiderman

07-02-2003, 04:06 PM	#7
Skeletoncrew Foot Elite Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Bearing in on your spicy brains Posts: 3,275	I think the best argument against exessive drinking is the "boners" section of rotten.com. Many of the most humiliating photos there are directly related to the consumption of great quantities of alcohol. __________________ Adult TMNT fan art and fiction contest Now accepting entries!

07-02-2003, 03:31 PM	#4
Karpo_007 Inactive Moderator Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Finland Posts: 8,798	Younger I used to get quite drunk... But luckily with age comes more sense too.

07-02-2003, 03:57 PM	#5
That Matt Guy Honey Bunches Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Lone Star State Posts: 5,840	Agreed. I usually down a few beers to get a good buzz.

07-02-2003, 05:44 PM	#9
~~Leo656~~ Banned Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: nWo Country Posts: 27,703	I don't drink as often as I imply, usualy just a beer or two after work or a six on weekends. I have actually been drinking my entire life, however. My mom was a huge alcoholic, so I was literally drinking in the womb. Then when I was a baby she'd give me bottles of Lowenbrau to keep me quiet and make me sleepy. It's probably a miracle I'm not some big-time alcoholic. Meanwhile, I love beer and she loves me. Whether her name be Budweiser, Coors, Red Dog, Heineken, Guinness, Natural Ice, Old Milwuakee, Michelob or even Pabst Blue Ribbon, she's always there when I need her to be, and she never talks back.

07-03-2003, 12:43 PM	#11
HorseTechie Inactive Moderator Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Midwest Posts: 5,677	lol Doncha love that thing? Anyhoo... yeah, I don't mind drinking for the occasinal buzz, but since I really, really don't like to puke, I never have gotten drunk.

07-03-2003, 01:43 PM	#12
~~Leo656~~ Banned Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: nWo Country Posts: 27,703	I only puked once when I drank about ten beers in two hours which is way more than usual for me.

07-03-2003, 02:18 PM	#13
That Matt Guy Honey Bunches Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Lone Star State Posts: 5,840	Man what a light weight. I had around 16 beers in 2 hours once, and I still didn't puke or pass out.

07-03-2003, 02:26 PM	#14
~~Leo656~~ Banned Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: nWo Country Posts: 27,703	Told ya I dont drink that much. I had about 14 in two hours way back when I was 12 or so but I drank a lot more back then. I think the night I threw up I was also on some kind of medication, can't really remember. I was really depressed that's all I remember.

07-03-2003, 03:35 PM	#15
Kid Icarus Foot Elite Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Angel Land Posts: 4,150	i'm 17, and i still haven't had any alcohol . Pry good for me though, cause I knew people in highschool that started working just so they could get booze... i'd rather dump my money on comics and toys, but thats cause im a looser .

07-03-2003, 03:46 PM	#16
Skeletoncrew Foot Elite Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Bearing in on your spicy brains Posts: 3,275	You're not a loser! Comics and toys will last MUCH longer than a bottle of booze. Won't damage your liver either and are far less likely to cause an accident. __________________ Adult TMNT fan art and fiction contest Now accepting entries!

07-03-2003, 06:33 PM	#19
Peanut Second Gear Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: The New World Posts: 15,422	Yeah! Like Canada!

07-03-2003, 06:33 PM	#20
~~Reznorite420~~ Banned Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 3,851	I was thinking more along the lines of "de-tox chamber".