Anger Management

[NameGoesHere1066]

Does any one have issues with anger managment? Is it bad? Does it make you violent? Is it accompanied wih some mental illness or something?

I have serious anger mangament issues. I don't know why exactly but I have always been an angry person. I mean yeah, my childhood wasn't that easy. My father left my mother when I was still very young because he "fell out of love with her" and fell in love with someone else and married that woman and had more children with her. I lived in the projects when I was younger with heavy gang activity where everyone was pretty much a punk. If you could not hold your own and put up a front of toughness in my old neighborhood you were a target. I'm not kidding. I'm talking kids as young as eight years old that would wait outside your home and jump you when you left if they thought you were an easy target. I remember a 35 year old man getting jumped by neighborhood kids between the ages of eight and ten and took his bike from him. They beat the crap out of him, if you think a group of young kids can't do you harm because you're an adult think again.

I think it is these factors that contributed to my anger issues, I often got into physical fights even provoked a few while growing up. Even after my mother got her degree and movied my older and younger brother and I out of the projects and into a good neighborhood and school I still had this confrontational way about me and a amouth that always landing me in trouble. Even right up into my early and even mid twenites I just had this attitide. I recently went though some old threads from 2008 when I first started here, and even then I noticed that I was kind of a bitch with an aggressive attittude with people. I think I have mellowed out and matured since then and I do not think I have as big an attitude as I used but I still have serious anger issues. Recently they have gotten pretty bad.

It is funny I feel I went through a maturing phase around age 26/27 and where I becme clamer and I feel I became a better person and a mature woman andI have enjoyed that over the years. But over say the last year or two I feel like I have become a much angerier person..but in a much different and scarier way then my youth. This anger manifests in pure red hot rage. When it comes over me I am just a monster. It's like something just ignites inside me and I could just litterly tear someone to peices. This isn't the same kind of anger or obnoxious atttitude of the twenty-something year old I used to be. This is dark. I am honestly getting to the point where I am afraid I might very well hurt or kill someone some day while I am in one of rages. It's funny how the smallest thing might trigger it and then suddenly I just get so outraged I want rip someones face off...and I am not saying that figuratively--I really mean it. I also have horriable mouth to. Not that I am swearing over anything I will just say the worst most terriable thing I can think of to hurt someone when I am angry enough. And it does not matter to me who you are.

I don't know why I am like this but it is beginning to affect my day to day life and my relationships. I have a girlfriend who is bisexual like me she said she wants to take a break because of my anger issues. That hurts me because I felt we both had a rapport with each other of our similar sexual orientation and that we boty had just gotten out of abusive realtionships with domineering controlling men. ANd for her to put me in the same category as her abusive ex really hurts. And as a woman I feel ashamed that I am showing attributes that I despised in my own ex and that my girlfriend says she doesn't want a repeat in the same behavior. She says she is afraid of me and for me, and even though I have yet to says a single bad thing to her, she says that she sees how I get with other people and how I blow up in volitale situations and she says she isn't going to allow her self to get in that situation again when she is recognising the signs in me.

It is a ****** situation and it was a sombering one as well for me, that I have a problem. One of these days I am going to either hurt someone or get my self hurt due to my anger issues. I do not want to end up like my younger brother, who spent most of his adolesence in juvinile correction facilites, and is now looking at the real possiablity of jail time (real jail) for assault and battery (maybe longer if one the people he beat up doesn't pull through). My younger brother has always been angry too and was severaly bullied in our old neighborhood and then became a violent bully himself when we moved to a better area. My mother is very dissapointed in him and is a source of grief in our family. My mother always said don't let your enviroment shape your self and that is absolutely the case with my younger brother. I don't want to be the same.

Does anyone else have anger issues on this scale like me? Or worse?

[DarkFell]

Sometimes it's just a good idea to have a close friend or a mentor in your corner especially in those times when you really need one. Because anger never really goes away and can flare up anytime. If you have issues with coping with your past, then seek a mentor (there are actual free mentors in churches and you don't -depending on the religion- need to be a member of a congregation), or if your finances allow for one, a therapist will also work. Your anger might be a sign that some issues from your past need to be dealt with (in a mature way) and a decent mentor or a therapist can really help out a troubled psyche.

Hope that helps.

[Leo656]

Oh absolutely. In another thread (the one about having abusive parents) I actually started to do a post that went into great detail about all of my own history with that, and how it led to various anger problems, but I had to scrap it because it would have been 4 full-sized posts long even after I trimmed it.

Long story short, both my parents had huge drug problems, and they both hit me a lot and when Mom was really drunk sometimes she'd just terrorize me. I got to a point where I didn't care who it was, the next time anyone put a hand to me, I'd make them regret it. By the time I was ten I was really angry and paranoid and was so sick of being picked on at school and at home that I decided I'd just make everyone too afraid to even come near me. I was never a bully, but for a while I definitely made it known that I was someone to be avoided. I got in way too many fights, including flat-out fist fights with both of my parents, all the way up through the end of school. I was notorious for, if I walked into a room and people were talking, and they stopped when they saw me, I would just walk up to whoever I felt like and slap the sh*t out of them, because I was convinced they were all talking about me, or laughing at me behind my back, and I couldn't handle being disrespected. I became obsessed with hurting people and beating respect into them. In my mind, I was defending myself, but it went way too far. I used to overhear my mother crying to my sister that she was scared to death of me, that she was scared one day I was going to kill them all (not gonna lie, I'm not proud of it but the thought crossed my mind a lot... it was a really dark time). I'd overhear them talking about sending me away someplace, and that only made me more angry, WAY more angry, and way more paranoid. In my head, it was, "I'm only like this because of all the sh*t they did to me, I'm tired of being beat and called names just because I don't like them doing drugs! I'm right, they're wrong, and they want to throw me away like garbage." I hated everyone. I was threatening to kill them all and then kill myself. It was bad.

Eventually the school and my parents got me into counseling, and that helped a lot, but only to a point, because the problems never went away; my parents still got drunk and high and hit me whenever they felt like (and when Mom was drunk, there didn't have to be a reason, the fact I was there was enough). I couldn't "happy think" or "count to ten" my way out of what was going on, and once counseling stopped I was more or less on my own. After my Mom died, it got a little better, because her drinking was a HUGE part of the problem, but in his grief my Dad got really lonely and hooked up with some chick who was into even worse drugs than he had been before, and that started him on a huge downward spiral, so now the fights got even more frequent, and there was a whole new train of scumbags to f*cking beat the fear of God into just for walking in the door. This went on until my mid-20s. I still don't regret a lot of that; those people shouldn't have been in the f*cking house and I don't feel bad at all about beating the sh*t out of them until they left. I do regret having my wife and my friends witness a lot of it, because I've always tried so hard to grow past that part of my personality and keep it bottled up, and I only go off on people who really deserve it, and it really takes a lot to set me off, especially nowadays, but it's kind of like, the way I go off, you can't ever forget what you've seen, it's like a friggin' disaster. Punching out windows, smashing furniture, putting holes in the wall, setting sh*t on fire... half the time I don't even remember any of it afterwards. Other times, it's like I'm watching someone else do it, like I'm outside my body watching it all happen and I have zero control at all over what I'm saying or doing. And I've said and done some horrendous things. I mean, most of them deserved it, that's really all I can say in my defense, is that for the most part, they all deserved even worse.

Not being around those people the last 6 years has definitely helped; I rarely lose my temper anymore, but it's still pretty bad when I do. Thing is, for the longest time, I'd just beat the piss out of whoever was pissing me off until they were afraid to ever do it again, but after a point you just can't do that anymore, so I tend to punch walls, doors, and furniture. Sometimes, very rarely but sometimes, for lack of any better alternative, I've lost it and started punching myself in the face, or start slicing my shoulder or forehead with a razor or scissors, because in that moment, if I didn't, I'd literally kill someone. That was more when I was younger, I can't remember when that happened last. One of the stupider things I did was, just to put the fear into someone who was pissing me off, I snatched the cigarette out of their mouth and put it out on my arm while giving them the "Death Stare". I don't even pretend to know what the hell that was supposed to accomplish; I mean, it killed the argument dead, but it was still really stupid.

All of that sh*t was stupid. I'm not exactly proud of any of it. Well, that's not true entirely. I'm proud of myself for being someone who never has and never will take any sh*t from anyone, but still, that's not a good way to live. I mean, it started out as a reaction, but then at some point it went way too far, even if it was justified to some degree. I know that. When I was in counseling in 7th grade, I was diagnosed with PTSD and several symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia (particularly the rage blackouts, committing borderline atrocities and not remembering any details later, and being absolutely convinced people were talking about me/conspiring against me/laughing at me). I still struggle; apparently it usually develops in early teens and can get worse as you get older, but I was never recommended for medication or anything, I was just advised to avoid people who "trigger" my attacks, which is why I still mostly avoid my family, because I've fought more with them than anyone. It's tough though, because my wife and her mother are the kind of people who don't understand mental instability (despite having plenty of it), and think all anyone needs to do is just take a Happy Pill. It's like, no, for one thing I was flat-out told I'm not "bad" enough to need it, people just need to not piss me off on purpose, which is just common decency, and secondly, if I'm not the one who's in the wrong, and someone else is pushing my buttons on purpose, why should *I* be the one to stifle, or be medicated, just so they can walk over me even more? It was made very clear to me in counseling, "You're not the problem, those people are the problem. The people who are getting drunk, doing drugs, hitting you, lying to you, stealing from you, and telling you you're worthless, are the ones who are wrong. You're not wrong for being angry with those people, if anything you just need to express it in a healthier, less destructive way." Easier said than done, though.

((Shrug)) Again, I'm not proud of any of that, but it happened, and I still struggle with it. I mean, it's definitely better, because it's not an everyday thing like it was for years and years, it's very rare now when I have an "attack", and things don't get physical anymore but I do still say really hurtful things to people when I'm pissed off. It sucks, it's always the same sh*t my parents would say to me when they were pissed, and I really don't mean it, but that's one of the worst traits I inherited from my parents, is "Hurt them before they hurt you, and do it so bad they can't even try to hurt you back." I hate it, but I'm trying.

[Slade]

I don't want to post a lot, but yeah. Right there with you. Been to classes a couple times. Half the time, I'd leave pissed off.

[pandaderek]

Well, I think anger is a symptom of stress. The symptoms of stress are dependent on how you're raised.

When people are stressed out, they no longer have complete control over themselves. They revert to a default state, the way they acted as a kid when they were stressed and frustrated. So, as a kid, if you took your stress out on others by harming them, you're probably do so into your adulthood. Or, if you inflicted harm on yourself, like when I was a kid. Some people just take "time-outs." So, a lot of the stuff that you did as a kid, when stressed, continues onto your adulthood because that's your default way of dealing with stress. So, you can't, just, change your past experiences. You'll have to change your current situation, where you're not in a position to being stressed, excessively...stress is inevitable, so, it just needs to be controlled in manageable proportions.

For me, not being around so much noise or something that calms my thoughts helps me with thinking more rationally about my problems. Often, I find a lot of the problems are not as big, I'm just overwhelmed. Then, I'm able to dismiss a lot of the small problems don't feel overwhelmed with problems, which helps make it more manageable.

[pennydreadful]

Otter hugs in here for people who've posted - cuz I think it's needed.

[BubblyShell22]

I definitely have a temper at times, and sometimes I get so mad I just want to hit someone or something. I know that's not a good thing, but it does happen at times.

[Prowler]

I have a bit of a temper but I'm not physically aggressive at all, not even when I'm drunk.

I think I'm more nervous/anxious than anything.

[Icebot]

When I get embarrassed, that causes extreme anger in me. I lose my ability to be courteous and polite and I just have to ignore people who are trying to talk to me in person. I think I ended a friendship with someone because I was so rude to him and I didn't want to talk to him because I was utterly humiliated.

I get even angrier when I get tricked into doing something wrong.

Being bullied has been killing me with anger too.

I don't handle these types of anger well.